You missed one: That when you do ask for help, they throw it in your face later and use their help as a tally of all the things they've done for you and expect you to be grateful - or they create an exchange-rate system that weaponizes their help, in order to get you to do chores or obey a rule they've established out of the blue. They often will guilt trip you and treat their help as a "favor". In fact, they generally will treat their overall parenting as something they're doing as a charitable act, and therefore you owe them. This turns a parent-child dynamic into a transactional relationship, where you constantly feel indebted to them or obligated to pay for their "kindness". This then leads to a hesitation or unwillingness to ask for anything bc you dont want to be a debt slave, so you start to budget "requests" for only the most important occasions like asking for permission to hang out with friends or to be allowed to participate in a social event like an out-of-town wedding or be part of an after-school dance/play. It never occured to me until adulthood that parenting should be seen as an obligation that they signed up for which requires their own sacrifice, and not the sacrifice or penance from their child. If a child feels anything less than safe and secure with their place in the home, then you've failed your job as a parent. Children should feel taken care of, not feel like they have to share the burden of taking care of themselves and everyone else. No child should feel like they're an inconvenience or afraid of racking up debt if they ask for help!
I totally understand where you're coming from. My son, who is 29, told me something very similar a few years ago right before he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again. I have to say that was the most devastating moment of my life. For months, I left tearful messages on his voice mail, apologizing to him and begging him to forgive me. Finally, after about 7 months, he called and forgave me. Thankfully, we have a great relationship now and there are bo hard feelings between us. In reference to your comment, being a parent means loving and nurturing your child, but also teaching them important values. Sad to say, many parents just don't know how to teach values in a loving way. Most of us are just going by the way we were taught. The best advice I can give is to have a heart to heart talk about the situation. Both sides have to try to understand how the other feels and where their coming from before anything can be resolved. Best wishes 😊
i really felt this comment. this is how my parents are. they would hang those times i do sk for help over my head. even now i still struggle with asking for help because i fear that people would do the same, tallying the times they helped me
Yep, I know that very personally. My mother always says that we( her daughters) have to earn EVERYTHING, that we eat her food and we live under her roof. But not for long, God willing.
Because it reinforces that belief that they don’t love you. “If they did, they would” and having that thrown in your face over and over again is painful.
Worse still is getting "help", and then being called stupid because despite their efforts you still don't understand whatever it was you asked for help about.
It's even worse when they bring it up again about helping without you asking again and then nothing happens. You also feel stupid if it's a basic need like a haircut, and then asking for any little thing feels like asking for way too much. It's honestly easier to neglect yourself and pretend it's not a problem.
In my late twenties, I asked my mother if she loved me when I was a child. She said of course she did. I asked what she loved me for, and she said "because you never wanted or asked for anything". Apparently, I was one of those children who never cried as a baby, never fussed. They had to occasionally check to see if I was still alive, my mother told me cheerfully. When I was a bit oldrer, I was very aware that my older sister and younger brother would frequently ask for clothing or toys they wanted, and they often got what they'd asked for. I genuinely didn't think this was an option for me, so I just went without. In my early teens, I didn't have any underwear that wasn't completely falling apart, so I found my mother's old knickers that were way too small for her, but too big for me, so I tied knots on both sides and wore them. I seriously didn't think I had any other option 🥴😔
I understand you so much. Until I read your comment I've never thought much of it, but when I entered into puberty I started to develop my body very rapidly, I started to get breast by 11 I guess or before, and by 12 I really needed to wear a proper bra, but I felt so ashamed to ask for help to my mom for a new bra, not because I didn't want her to note that I was developing so fast (cause it was pretty obvious), but I didn't want to feel weak or be a burden to her for having a need, knowing that my whole childhood was appalled by her shaming and mocking me, and even threatening me to hit me for seeking her help with something, so I just decided to resolve the issue with my breasts, by stocking napkins inside my short blouse that I used under my school uniform, it was so uncomfortable and embarrassing cause people could notice that something was off with my underwear, so I used to hunch over to not receive any attention, I was already very insecure and that didn't help at all. I hope your life is better now and gets even better in the future. Blessings.
Yes.... All throughout my childhood my parents would boast to otherd how little i cried, how little fuss I made, they could just toss me into a room while they worked, and i was such a good child.
My bf and I were just talking about how we both didn't ask for much growing up because we felt all of the resources our parents had to offer were reserved and depleted for the other children and man was that an eye opener for me as a parent. Which is funny bc now my parents always extend an offer for help and I rarely ever consider them for assistance, but when I do, they've already helped another sibling (they are separated I might add) so I never really get the help anyway. The only time they really contribute is when it's one of my children's bdays... my mom assisted me with the down payment on a car and my dad helped me moved. But those are the times I can count them helping since I've truly been on my own. But endless help for the others, except my brother, he gets more help than me but less than the other two.
I was recently forced to ask several friends to help me through a surgery because my family of origin shamed me for needing help. It was a huge slap in the face turned wake up call. This video explains everything. But my friends rallied around me and helped me through what was apparently too much of a burden for my mother. If you’re reading this: you are worthy of help-you just need to find your people.
@@bluebonnetbutterfly5728 I can tell you that I feel absolutely liberated! I hope you have a similarly positive experience. If you can find trust that you are being taken care of, that all will be well I have a feeling that you will be! I know it might look hard to face, but once you realize that your fears were just that, the reality of the confidence you will be able to claim, the freedom of having any future obligations lifted-worth every fret, every tear. I wish you the smooth process I experienced. And even if you get a bumpy ride, use it to prop yourself up for your bravery and resolve. Whatever your experience to come, may you receive blessings galore on the other side.❤
Finding one’s people is SOOOOOOOOOO important!!! But it’s also SOO frickin hard. Especially when coming from a background like ours. This is where I’m at, where I’ve been at, actually. Trying to find our tribe for myself and my kiddo. We need our people.
You can, it's called reparenting. It's where you learn to parent yourself. There's 2 versions of people with childhood trauma: the scared little kid inside you that doesn't understand what to do and then there's your grown up self. I've learned to allow my grown up version to take control of day to day activities of life and it works so much better. My grown up version is so much more capable and strong than my young, scared version.
Journaling also helps. Wishing you the best in your journey. Let's do this for our inner child. It's about time we heal ourselves. We are all equally important, remember that.always.
What helped me is journaling, self care (exercise, hair masks, face masks, eating healthy) and finding new people who value me and appreciate my presence.
My mother's burdens were very great with a violent alcoholic husband, 5 kids to be fed, clothed etc so I kept to myself so as not to further burden her. She was not a narcissist she was a kind person. So this type of trauma can happen without parents being narcissists.
A parent who stays by choice or peril is enabling violence and alcoholism to become normalized and tolerated. It is so dangerous. Low grade terror in the nervous system all the time.
I can understand that feeling. My parents weren't narcissists, they were just incredibly work obsessed. They did everything to further their careers and line their pockets with money, only to blow it on their accumulated debts. And I was shown the debts, told of their importance, and showed the money they spent on me. Nevermind that I was abused and abandoned by my birthmother, nevermind that I was raised by a nanny for my infancy instead of my surrogate mother, being shown the absolute debt pile we were in and how much I contributed to it(and was thus an unwelcome burden)damaged me. As did many other things. And now as a grown man who has never had a romantic relationship and has few friends and no future, I still don't know how to express my needs. They have never been valid to anyone, from birth. Sometimes makes me wish I was dead. At least then its all even.
@@atomic_poppy Understand that debt has been repaid already. Your existence has given her purpose, attention, validation. She has a debt to you in fact. But she will never pay it.
Not only when you ask "much" of others. My experience as an adult is more that if I dare to ask anyone anything, no matter if it's just a little favor, and I finally dare to trust someone enough to ask, I immediately get scolded and abandoned.
@@smokingcrab2290 is it? I think every man and woman is different and has their own level of need. Not saying this is you, but most women don’t like feeling obligated or like sex in their relationship is a transaction/servitude, rather than a chance to be intimate and bond with their male partner.
He forgot one; being poor. Recognizing from a young age how little your parents could afford to spend on you also goes into feeling burdensome. This goes for having older siblings who seem to get better stuff than you at Christmas because your parents have to prioritize them due to different developmental stages, compounded with getting hand-me-downs because you’re the youngest and your family can't afford to be wasteful.
@@suzlee1780Especially when the family was in a better financial situation before “now” (perhaps one parent quit to stay home or someone had to take a pay cut or expenses increased due to inflation and relative pay to expenses decreased) or maybe grandparents greatly subsidized holidays and birthdays with the older siblings - and the grandparents had since died or are no longer able to help as much.
It's bingo night over here!! 😂😭 It's not easy. When you ask for your needs, you are shamed and abandoned. But when you don't, you are starved and abandoned anyway. You end up learning to rely only on yourself. It's exceptionally hard to trust again.
The only reason I don't want to be a burden is because I know no one will pick up that burden. I am on my own, no one has ever helped me so I must believe that I cannot expect help.
The other day, out of desperation, I asked my dad to help me find a medical record from childhood which I needed. I was genuinely surprised that he helped and didn't make fun of me for being so inept as to have lost it. I realized that to me, asking dad for help feels like calling emergency services. There must be a disaster going on. Before calling him, I ran through the scenario and came up with defenses against his usual insults. It upset me to think that my own father is enemy #1 for my sense of self-worth.
I really knew that one. I wasn't joyful about anything he suffered. I wish I could've been glad the last 13 years since he died, but my beloved wonderful sweet husband died 5 weeks before he did.
Bingo....you nailed me!! I'm in a desperate situation right now, and I need to ask for help, I can't! I was raised by a narcissistic mom, our Dad died young. My mom is a millionaire- she's in a position to help me, but she never has. Idk 🤷♀️ what to do? My husband recently passed away after 41years. My heart is broken and my house flooded. Contractors broken and stole from me. Insurance is no help! They are the biggest scam! Liberty Mutual- stay away from them.
@@user-ty2xv6xw8j I just prayed for you, call on the name of the Lord Yeshua and He will rescue you. Put your life on his hands and he will set you free. What else do you have to lose? Trust him.
Thought I was as ‘adaptable’ to any environment, even used that as one of my “strengths” in job interviews. Until I realized, I just disappear whenever I’m not alone.
You learned to hide. It's a survival strategy and serves its purposes, except for if we need to be seen and feel secure in that. I recently discovered this in myself as well. I'm now practicing putting my own needs and desires first, being assertive in what I need and want.
When I was removed from my alcoholic parents and put with my aunt and uncle I was praised for being adaptable and adjusting to change so well. It was a matter of throwing out my own wants and needs and adopting a new mindset to make it through. But I still do this, and find myself just powering through situations I'm uncomfortable with
Wow, I’m now realizing that my adaptability keeps me unseen, I’m not vulnerable with people, I try not to burden other but hurt myself by isolating in the process
The most messed up part of having narc parents like this, is when you grow up, they still wonder why you don’t like them or want anything to do with them. Or they just blame you for it all, even though they’re the unbearable ones.
I was badly bullied at school because of my ethnicity and my younger brother was diagnosed with autism, which resulted in my parents essentially throwing me under the bus because my brother needed help more. When I did try asking for help for my depression and anxiety, my parents kept insisting that I was fine, that I was asking for attention, that everyone gets depressed or anxious. I had to tell them I was contemplating suicide in order to be taken seriously.
At least someone finally heard you. I don't think my mother ever heard a word I said. She worked two jobs to be out of the house, shop all she wanted, not have to deal with us-- and so she could afford really nice clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelry, trips, etc.
Janey I am so sorry for your experience. I'm glad you got help. I am also an invisible sibling of someone on the spectrum so I know how incredibly hard it is. My whole family including grandparents put me at the end of the line for all the ' needier 'ones. You are a good and valuable person! God bless you.
Wow, its surreal to see you write that, i can very much relate to your your situation, having a younger sibling diagnosed can really get you overlooked, and being ethnically different is just a double up. I feel for you and despite it all, i believe full recovery is possible
I was also diagnosed with autism as a teenager (diagnosis hidden for 10 years, mind you…), but my parents help with mental health in general was a bit hit and miss. Sometimes if I was anxious, worried or some other issue was arising because of my undiagnosed issues, I would just be dismissed. I wasn’t ok, I knew I wasn’t, but got told I was.
I’m always told how proud people are of me that I am so independent and self sufficient - this really makes me afraid asking for help because they think I can do this all on my own and I don’t get the help I ask for and I get convinced this shouldn’t need others help. I feel shame by the end of the interaction and feel alone and weak.
This could be sign #19: "When you see parents helping their young adult children (ex: taking care of documents to enroll in college), you think how weak their kids are that can't do that by themselves... and you feel extra proud of yourself for having done that on your own." This video really opened my eyes... My pride is now destroyed, knowing it's the result of trauma... I feel like I don't know who I am anymore...
My mother kept all receipts of any money she spent on me: doctor bills, school receipts, personal possessions. She'd pull that box out every so often to remind me.... but never did it to my 3 older sisters.
I feel like you've watched my relational interactions all my life because you understand EXACTLY why I realized, at the age of 50, that I couldn't even ask God for anything. Thankfully I've at least improved my relationship with Him❤
I can relate to this. I felt like I couldn't come to God unless I was perfect, that my problems were a burden to him. It took me 30 years to realize that came from how my parents treated me. Now I've been born again and God is parenting me the way I should have been.
I was trying to help others and not ask anybody for help so much that I found myself in hypocritical religion instead of relationship with God. I was born again in 18 and spent 32 fruitless years in a lie. I never listened to God when he was talking to me about it because of fear what will happen if I will not be there for others. In march this year I felt strong presence of God when my mind was cyrcling around "what should I do" and He said: I just want you to be happy.
It definitely messes up a person's view of God and faith, because it makes you view God in light of how your parents treated you. If you weren't perfect, you didn't deserve to be loved. If you messed up, you deserved to be ridiculed or beaten. If you disagree, your stupid, or challenging their authority, even if you're an adult. If you ask for anything, you are also stupid or helpless. If you don't do what they say, it's rebellion, even if what they said to do is unethical. They live by a different standard than what they hold you to. They need you to forever feel inferior and insecure, because then, you will always need them, and never be successful. They, despite all the religious self-righteousness they often project, are the exact opposite of the biblical description of righteousness, and by their hypocrisy often drive their children to reject God; because how could God allow them to go through what they did, and if God is like their parents portray him, they don't want anything to do with a God like that. Sadly many people are atheists, many commit suicide, and many go to hell for that very reason. Because the people/parents who claimed to be good people were the exact opposite, and others who know them, or who were raised by them reject God as a result of how they were treated. Scripture states that everyone will give account/an answer for the things they have done when they stand before God on judgement day, and that includes how they treated others, unfortunately many people disregard that part of scripture.
@@Godloveshischildrenyou're so right, that's one of the main issues of parents abusing their children, cause when they grow up like this, they just think everybody else in this world and some think that even God is like this, it's so hard, to deal with narcissistic parents cause I'm sure they have their own traumas, and one wants to be empathetic with them but they just persist on doing evil and harming their children so much that it's hard to feel any compassion towards them anymore, like, when will you stop blaming people for your own actions?, why do I have to pay for what others have done to you?? When do you think you'll be satisfied enough with the damage you have caused? These are the questions they will never answer, at least not with logical reasoning.
I am so emotionally disregulated about feeling like a burden to my family that I can't keep employment, even part-time. So they give me their money, and I feel like a burden, and it gets worse and worse.
Indeed, it's a vicious cycle. Watch out that you might be subconsciously wanting to remain in this situation because your brain is addicted to the feelings it gives you, which makes it into a kind of comfort zone you don't want to break out of (Especially if you're afraid of becoming a burden to other people too, of course!)
It is Hell. Its just another word people use to try to describe it. Heaven is not feeling that way about being alive. Jesus is you when you realize it finally without backsliding. God is your brain and body functioning in sync. The devil is your shadow self manifesting and you recognizing it but not addressing it and telling it to lend you its strength and make you impervious to the weaknesses. Its why every religion is the same in every culture. Its just people thinking they have to learn how to think, but really they have to unlearn how to not think bullshit and negative solutions to that bullshit.
This video basically explains my life. It's also why I became self taught in many aspects. It also explains why I'm always alone and why people pleasing became so easy for me and and why I stuck with toxic people that at least shared a drop of kindness. The kicker here is though that even after hearing the why from this video, I still can't see what it would be like to not be this way since it's all I've ever known ... I've tried seeing mental health experts for years and never once did I feel like I got the help I needed but also people that have offered here and there over the years, I'm not sure how anyone could help me. The best idea I have is to serve God and pray that He makes me into what I'm supposed to be.
I'm at a very difficult crossroads in my life right now, getting divorced from an abusive husband of 31 years who I tried to appease and people please from the very beginning. I do reach out to friends because I need help packing and moving, and moral support, but it is extremely hard for me to ask them because I don't want to be a burden. I could check off practically everything on those lists. I'm so thankful for your ministry, Tim. You're helping me understand my toxic childhood and how I ended up marrying an avoidant man who became emotionally abusive and eventually physically abusive. I listen to your videos all the time because I want the next chapter of my life to be fulfilling, healing and freeing. God bless you, and all those who are in the same boat.
I was raised by a covert narcissist and an alcoholic. I wasn’t shown that I had any value. I was supposed to intuit that from the fact that I had food, shelter and clothing. I have always felt that if I am not providing value for someone there is no use for me. When I had my own kids, I showered them with love, never wanting them to feel what I had felt. One of my children has a condition that took almost all my time and energy so my firstborn was praised for not needing very much. Now she feels the same lack of value that I did. It’s so hard to forgive myself for the problems I have caused her. I am there for her now and as I go through therapy am able to help her more, but oh the guilt. How did I do the same thing, just in a different way? She is amazing and forgiving and loving, and I am just so sorry for making life harder for her.
My goodness! Everyone reading this would tell you that if you could have predicted what your oldest child would go through years later, you would have done some things differently, because you love all your children. No perfect people exist, and no one can predict the future! I was shocked to hear some comments my college-age child made about certain things in their childhood. We were all abandoned, evicted, had to go on welfare because one of my babies had a 24/7 medical condition, so I couldn't work a job for 2 years. After that was resolved, I always had at least two jobs-- so you can bet that I defended myself against the complaints. I did the best I could every day, but we all make mistakes. I suffered so much childhood abuse that I didn't believe I'd live to be an adult, so for me, it was all gravy!
As someone who was neglected and abused in so many ways, I have to tell you that you HAVE to forgive yourself, I'm sure your daughter has told you already, but I want to tell you as well that you ARE forgiven, especially because you really tried your best, you weren't dumping all of your problems on your firstborn, the situation occurred (of your other child being ill) and you did the best that you could, because you actually tried to give what you didn't receive as a child, and you're not making excuses now, you're admitting your fault, so i will dare to give you the forgiveness, at least by a comment, that you need to give yourself. I think that you should now, with the permission of your daughter of course, start over, and be a good mom while you can. The only type of mother that I wouldn't allow into my life again is an evil, narcissistic one. I'm sure your daughter wants to recover the care that she lost when she was a child.
What's odd is becoming independent because you have growing up, yet, when asking for help 99% are too busy. Or seen as i'm not worth helping through trauma eyes. So a guy can only ask for help so long before having to become a Jack of all things and master of one out of necessity. Or pre destiny ? Thank you. It's tough thinking a man has to know all see all be all to others but never see it come back round. I only know of One that has had my back my whole life. 😊 🙏
As I read the chart - I ask myself at 61 - WHAT parent WASN'T like that in the 1950's and 60's? My Mom sighed and rolled her eyes A LOT - my Dad "escaped" this by being in the military and was always overseas... These series of Tim's help SO MUCH to see the origin of my "situation" lol
This is how I feel when interacting with other humans - like there’s something deep down that tells me I’m somehow burdening them if I want to speak with them as a friend, or even if I’m just in the same space as them I feel bad like I’m inconveniencing them 😭I’d definitely never ask anyone for help as it’s true people _do_ have their own issues… and yes I know I can’t look weak. I pride myself on NEVER needing help, I choose to suffer or be inconvenienced rather than seek any kind of help no matter what. My oven is broken but I won’t let anyone fix it 😢 I know I have to heal this somehow.. but I still don’t want to be a burden 😭
I had a whole comment relating to my childhood typed up...but then I deleted it because it got too long and I didnt want to be a burden to other comment readers 😅 Tl;dr - My parents were not narcissists, but indirectly taught me that airing any familial "dirty laundry" was the ultimate betrayal.
As a victim of both parents (not to mention teachers and peers) being narcicists it was never said to me in so many words but in the lack of opening the wallet and in support (or lack there of) spoke more than the "no your not a burden dear" (you could hear under the breath 'your f-ing anvil').
It's estimated that 1% of the human population are narcissistic. If you are in the US, that means roughly 1.6 million adults and 1.6 million adolescents. Is it more likely that so many people in your life are narcissists? Or that you are generalizing? It's important, because labeling someone a "narcissist" is often dehumanizing behavior. A signal that you can treat them "less than."
"In a healthy home, there's an understanding that your needs are just as important as my needs" The way I reflexively wanted to laugh at the audacity of that statement and then instantly realized "OH. Oh yeah this probably applies to me"
Same. Usually, for these kinds of evaluations, where you pick the things that fit you, I hit on a few, a few are borderline, and a few are a miss. For example, online ASD evals, I come up slightly on the spectrum. For ADHD, I come up as somewhat that way, etc. This one? Boom, hit on almost all of them! Seems like maybe I've learned something here
Holy Spirit, direct me in my career, and finances. As a single mother with two children is an overwhelming journey, especially when faced with financial difficulties. Lord I struggle to provide the basic necessities for my sons, like groceries and rent. I pray for your divine intervention in my life, that you would provide for my children’s needs and guide me towards financial stability. I will keep faith in you Heavenly Father.❤️
don't look, find..... it is the only way to give an opening for the love this universe has for you. I have been there with two children and extreme and unrelenting circumstances, do your best to have some supportive healthy friends that look out for your best interests but be OK if there is no one. A lot of people exploit single mothers and narcissists will triangulate you and cause a lot of damage to your future self. There is no quick fix to being a single mother in need, but you know, as long as you are breathing you actually do just keep going. Funny that. After a while, you realise that most of your shizz is just figments of imagination sprinkled with hopes and dreams. Just let today be today, and not force it to be other than what it is. Sometimes we can sit in a corner in time and think about what we have done (not in a mean way, but taking responsibility) and understanding that no one owes you anything. It is at this point a real opening to provision begins to take place. I spent my whole life trying to make it something that it was never supposed to be, for instance, if I had known that I was never going to find love, I would have made different decisions for my and my children's life but now in retrospect and by rearranging how I viewed my past failures and difficulties I am grateful that I went to places that few people go and experienced life in THAT way. You are not a bad person if you miss a few meals or have to occasionally give your children cereal for dinner.. no biggie... people have done worse in the past, but if you plug into the fact that because you breathe, life wants you here and because of that, life itself has a responsibility to provide for you. sometimes you can't see the end of the day and what it holds, but you still live it, and walk through it and get to close your eyes at night, so don't worry, just cos things are the way they are, life has a way of giving you things that you didn't know you needed until you need it and we are constantly taking from life things we don't need. Sending my thoughts to your part of the matrix and wish you and your children all the best. Be kind to yourself, in spite of your circumstance, be strong. (Sorry to sound preachy).
was in your situation 20 years ago made this prayer... both my children are well educated believers of Jesus and well placed ... all the gift of listening to the Holy Spirit....
WOW! This speaks to my heart and very core. I always say that I don’t want to be a burden, an inconvenience, or a hindrance to others. I’m stubbornly independent, to a fault. Others don’t understand why I don’t reach out for help; as you just pointed out, I would be perceived as weak. This all roots from my father literally abandoning me, as a preteen, because it was too far to drive for visitation. Even when I humbled myself to approach him, now as a teenager, I cheerily introduced myself as his daughter, he coldly walked away, saying nothing, no emotions; he just simply walked away as if I wasn’t present, into his residence, and shut the door. This further confirmed my thoughts of not being wanted, and seen as an inconvenience. He was a cold abusive man, to the whole family unit, with narcissistically psychopathic traits. He enjoyed the very punishments he commenced onto others, with absolutely no remorse. Thank you for sharing this, as it helps me connect the dots of “why”… I have reached out to a professional cleaner/organizer. My second step of self-care, after investing in 20+ years of therapy. 🙏🏻
DAMN. I had ALL of the signs of feeling like a burden(until I started to work through them). But my parents were not narcissistic and didn't sigh or anything.They just kept making so many sacrifices for me and putting my neesds above their own and I couldn't bear that. They were poor and so were workaholics but they weren't exasperated with me... I just decided myself that they have so many problems to worry about I can't be another one. They definitely expected me to be perfect tho........so I also struggle with perfectionism paralysis and procrastination At least this really HAS made me strong and self sufficient and capable I have slowly started to see progress but some things will probably never change
I know 100% how you feel! Working through this myself. Then you feel twice as shameful because youre aware that you are fortunate to have 2 loving parents yet youre too young to help them financially. Praying for you! Love and light to you sweet friend
The sighs and crying over being a bad parent. was my primary parent, where the other one is a narc... When you look at it that way, it makes sense I feel like a burden.
The fucked thing is that my poor mother couldn’t have helped many of the mistakes she made with me. Here’s to overcoming this stuff and being better people
I knew from studying your lectures on complex trauma that one of my deep wounds is feeling like a burden. It was so very difficult noticing over 90% of the symptoms and the causes were to be checked off for me. Every new slide I would need to pause for extensive periods of time. It took me about 50 minutes to get through this one video. Which is extremely out of character. My focus kept leaping to distractions and even to write a poem which I never do, but would like to. It seemed like "yeah, I know all this already. I know it applies to me." And even with the intent to drill into it, something keeps trying to pull me away from looking at this. And because I've noticed how powerful the resistance is, I know unfathomable power, capability, and confidence rest on the other side. The ego used to be able to distract me from things. I've just learned to run towards that which my body is afraid of. That trick no longer works because I've flipped my conscious response to it with the simple acknowledgement that life's greatest desires rest on the other side of fear. I'm very grateful to say that after experiencing Somatic Therapy, I've evolved into an entity who is allowed to feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them. I may now make decisions with emotions as contributing information rather than they determining an automatic course of action. I'm sure obviously I still have automatic reactions. But now I have the ability to consciously face the dragons, as Jordan Peterson calls it. Thank you Tim Fletcher. You gave me the knowledge necessary to acquire the help I didn't know I needed. I've made more progress this year seemingly than in my entire life where I adapted an interest in psychology. It truly is remarkable what having a path may do for ourselves. Most gratefully I'll take your lessons and further study and understand the implications across multiple levels of analysis concerning the spheres of influence I'm affected by.
I won’t wallow in the things my parents failed at. They had been raised with neglect and sometimes violence. It’s an ancestral issue. I real comments and people love victimhood. Get past it. Recognize you would have been a screw up in your own ways with perfect parents. It’s how we grow and learn. I appreciate this man for helping me on that path of healing and now I can help heal my parents and kids so my grandkids can heal. My son also has this issue so I somehow passed it to him. Unwittingly. We all sin and fall short of the grace of God but my Risen Savior will take me through it and help me heal my family. Praise God for forgiveness for my mistakes
Realizing one was a victim at all... Is part of what's necessary to heal at least for me. Often, we may have been brainwashed to a certain extent or heavily gaslit, making us doubt our victimhood. I agree that we ought not STAY in the victim state, absolutely not. but acknowledging what happened allows us to see how greatly we need self compassion. Only with self compassion, self respect, healthier boundaries, can we heal. My reality was denied to me, no affirmation of the abuse, no evidence to help my mind make sense of why I was being treated by the same people that were supposed to love me. I had to validate my own childhood memories before I could start working to heal from the circumstances that hold me back even to this day, due to parents false programming of me being a burden. I'm not completely blaming parents either... It is a multigenerational problem that keeps getting passed on. Even still, we deserved better growing up, and it's okay to mourn the loss of childhood. Mourning helps us move on.
@@dutchberean2804 huh interesting that what humans did for thousands of years is now called perfect. They had nothing but drudgery and hard work, limited food, zero technology, no handouts, non existent healthcare unless you count herbs and that kind of thing, had amputations with no anesthesia, yet they kept going. Yes. I suppose determination and resilience in a world of so much opportunity looks like perfection
never thought of my self sufficiency or independence this way, but if they tell you enough times “you don’t need anyone” you begin to believe it. that is so mean
This is EXACTLY like my parents were like. To the neighborhood kids, they were heroic. But, to their own kids, they were evil. True Evil. Intentionally inflicting pain on others for their only peace of mind. Greedy. Narcissistic. Sociopathic.
It's always been extremely important to me to be independent and to keep my dignity, so I actually never asked anybody except my parenents for help. People always say that you only should dare to ask for help and then you will be helped. So I tried to do that. I asked friends and therapists. With the result that I either received no help at all or some that -well- didn't help me. Then you either feel bad for asking too much and for having revealed your neediness. Or you're being communicated that it's your fault if their help was not what you would have needed. I seem to only be made for giving help, not for receiving it. But I really begin to loose motivation...
I had a crazy narc mother Who didn t go to work, spent her entire life at home yealing and screaming, make our life miserable! She never ever made me a Tea, prepare food or anything for me and my brother Who unfortunately is like her! I have all the traits this man said, i don t think i will ever recover! I m 38 never had a loving, healthy relationship!
Surrender ALL to God. He WILL help you!! Thoughts, Love and Prayers. You are a 🎁 to the world (unique, individual, loved by God). Whether you realise it or not, that is a FACT! 💔❤❤❤🙏💯🎊🎉🎁
This was difficult to listen to but extremely therapeutic. I believe I’ve experienced all of the reasons you’ve provided. If not by my mom then by others who I trusted. God bless you for this one! Very much needed 💝
I once asked my mom to come watch one of my softball games. She responded, "Why would I want to do that? I hate baseball." That describes her parenting pretty well. But, unlike a lot of people, she wanted to do better. She knew that her horrible childhood robbed her of knowing how to be a parent and how to even love. It has taken her 30 years, and it doesn't excuse her mistakes, but I appreciate that she has worked hard and trying to be a good mom now. I'm trying to heal from that childhood.
I come from a family that straight tells you that you are a burden. "If you can't do it yourself. Don't do it at all" is what they tell me. If I ask for help their will be none. You're on your own.
My mum had cancer when I was a preteen and eventually passed after a hideous few years of being treated and in and out of hospital. It's been 25 years since then and I've never really understood my own behaviour and how I hate feeling like a burden to others but could never articulate that that's what I was feeling. Everything he said here *clicked*.
The worst thing to happen is to also be bullied at school a lot and be abandoned by your "friends" and then it also teaches you that nobody needs you and nobody likes you. I grew up with a covert narcissistic single parent mother and ngl I wanted to off myself since I was 8 years old. I remember every night I cried myself to sleep.
This lecture by Tim is spot on. Seems like the owners of social media apps knew of this and exploited it by helping us fulfill or unmet needs with social media..what a tangled web. Thank you Tim!
P.S. A memory came to me and just wondering if anyone can relate. So when I was younger I got bullied a lot and when I went to my mother for comfort she would tell me that I shouldn't listen to that stuff because to her I was a good child etc. For context the tone my mother said this was in a tough, assertive let's move on and not feel sorry for ourselves tone which bordered on dismissive... Over time it did kinda become dismissive because to her she felt like why waste your time on none sense ... I am not putting her way of parenting me down as she had a very difficult life in Europe growing up.. I think that as a kid who was sensitive I wanted wanted her to sooth the pain I felt from the bullying and sit with me as I was very sensitive and still hurting over the divorce. Can anyone relate, so the parent cares however the way they try to sooth you is too tough for your character and age... Some may read this and say why complain your parent cared however I am explaining this from my view. Cause later in life I can tell you I didn't ask for my needs to get meet...felt guilty. And lately for context my Dad was a narc and shamed the heck outta me for being so sensitive and crying over things. My goal is to heal and these videos and comment section are helpful so I figured I'd share.. Thanks
@@artbysidI think I get you, I didn't want to bother my mother or father with that kind of " small things in that happens in any children life" . My parents raised us as an old school mentality, that you are not anyone, you have no rights because you are a child, only adults have priorities
@@artbysidshe was definitely unable to meet your emotional needs. What she said to you only echoed her beliefs about what she thought she deserved to hear herself so no doubt she was also a wounded/scarred person. Imagine yourself as a parent to a child, what would you say or do with yourself in that situation? Would you not seek to comfort the child? Let the child feel the hurt of being bullied? Think about transferring the child to a safer environment where it could thrive without fear?
I was unwanted. Always inconvenient. Never smart enough or pretty enough. In under 5 minutes of being in my mother's line of sight, she'd end up with a migraine. She tried to drown me in a public pool when I was 3. Not her last attempt to kill me. I became an overachiever. I joined anything and everything that I could fit in a schedule, arranging my own transportation to avoid needing a ride from my parents if it could be prevented. I won a 1st place medal on a red ribbon, and on the way home I was told that "everyone knows real winners get blue ribbons". I was perpetually grounded, most of the time I was not sure why. Straight A's were expected as well as placement within the top 3 in everything I competed in. Even then, she would find some reason that my performance was undeserving of recognition. I started menstruating while away at camp, could not muster the courage to tell anyone. My mother never asked if I started, and never brought it up at doctor's appointments. Nothing about me is of any interest. Every single point you listed, I could check. I will never, ever ask anyone for anything. Yet if anyone asks for help I respond immediately. I do, however, graciously accept assistance is really needed and it is offered. The guilt I feel afterwards can last for days. I used to comfort myself by thinking perhaps my mother was simply not aware of what she was doing. As time went on, I have come to believe she knew exactly what she was doing. In fact, she restrained herself from doing far worse lest someone outside the household might notice. My parents are also very financially secure. I had the best of everything, all for show really. What would be considered abuse in a working class home is discipline in rich families. Yeah...I am fucked. Turns out, Mother was right.
Lots of Love and hugs for you dear💖💖💖 Healing is a long and difficult journey, but it is the only one which can free you from your painful past and allow to create a better, happier future💖
At 66, finding out my family wasn't what I thought it was. I've been so sad for so long. I been praying ,God I don't want anynstuff, I just wish I could be happy the time I got left here. And he led me to this . I have so much anger. My parents weren't nice, and I thought it was me. That's what they told me. Love really is blind. I think I was a pretty good parent, even with all the struggles of being a single parent. Of course I married the biggest narcissist I could find and he beat me mercilesly. I'm glad my stay on this planet is almost over. It will be such a relief.
God hears your prayers and your tears are treasured in his skin bottle - Psalms 56:8 You can find peace despite your difficult past. If you ever want to talk lmk :)
Nowadays i feel like parents do most of the damage in me & my partner that it is so hard for us to work on ourselves and on our marriage, that i don’t want to create another ‘us’. Ironically my mother in law even asked why we don’t want kids, although she didn’t want one for herself to begin with. I know nobody is perfect, no parent is perfect. But i certainly have seen a ‘less damaged’ people.
I always feel like when someone asks me for help that they are just using me, or trying to bond with me. Both leave me feeling like a robot who's purpose isn't to understand it but to just keep moving without maintenence until you seize up. I never understood people were just being healthy and trying to distribute their challenges amongst people they trusted or at least appreciated for taking part.
Our oldest sibling is autistic, and that in itself puts strain on a family. His needs had to come before anyone else's and my other brother and I knew at an early age that he needed more care. So there was no narcissm, just the reality of a difficult situation with a special needs child. This got my dad into drinking so he wasn't emotionally available for us, though he provided financially when he was alive. I didn't want to ever be a burden to add stress to an already stressful situation. I was praised for being the good, responsible one though. I help take care of my family to date, helping take care of my mum, now that she is unwell, and also my siblings especially supporting financially. I also just seem to see other's needs as so much more complex than mine so I don't know how to even share problems with friends and ask for help though I will try help them when they have needs.
Another variation - asking for help and parent taking over the task saying they can handle it (and you obviously can't) and doing it their way. Without instruction or explanation or offering incremental assistance. So asking for help is like "giving up". Or asking for help and being told to "just ignore it". Including way you feel about it. Same parent both instances, and never quite sure which one you'd get. Grew into "I can figure this out better for myself if I just 'sit with it' for awhile, and try taking small steps." And, minimizing my own difficulties too...along with moments of catastrophizing my own problems (overwhelmed). Best way I've found is connecting with Sprit and learning to trust that and go with that, one step at a time.
I've encountered this in my marriage. I cannot depend on my husband for support during difficult times because it will get thrown in my face at a later point.
I think this is also true if you were raised by someone who didn’t know how to deal with the emotional side of being a parent. My mom provided for me physically (dentist,made sure I was fed,knew my birthday), but when came to anything emotional,I don’t think she knew how to talk about it.
Parent who didn’t value herself, didn’t stick up for herself or me… and basically ingrained that same sense of unworthiness and ‘femininity’. Stay scared, silent, deferential, helpless. Also Parentified. I’m middle aged now. At least that’s how my body and emotions remember it.
Was passed back and forth between divorced parents and beaten/abused by both. Never wanted anywhere. Never went to the same school 2 years in a row, sometimes it was 2 or more schools in the same year. Was told by mother "you're just like your father" and vice-versa, in a hateful tone. Now, I'm 60, still trying to figure out what and how to fix what is screwed up in me by my parents. Many failed relationships, failed marriage, so much so that I have given up on having a family. Im always alone, sometimes it's better to be alone than to have to try to deal with people, but I wish it weren't this way. I could go on and on, but I think I made the point.
These videos are so helpful. Learning more about CT helps me to have self compassion which is very hard but I believe is the first step to any kind of healing. Thank you for putting these on YT.
Child of two people on the NPD spectrum. Went No Contact almost eight years ago. There are times I would rather swallow a live scorpion than ask anyone for help.
Thank you for this information. I am 81 and it is yes to all the questions. I still feel I can't ask, because people will say no. Or just don't show up. I have to work way to hard for my age and health. I am the one always helping others, risking my health, well being and finances. I also feel abandoned by everyone.
I've suffered from keratoconus throughout my life so I WAS in fact a burden on everyone around me. A burden that no one really cared about. Ended up getting tons of psychological biases, including extremely low self esteem, and a sense of unworthiness. It sucks, but it is what it is...
My mother did this to me. Literally told me, im a burden, a mistake, a cancer on the world. That she had kids to help her around the house and her religion forbade her not keeping us.
That's crazy this is exactly how I feel. But I can't tell anybody. I've recently had surgery. I just sit here quietly in this room by myself. I'd rather not ask for anything. It feels too bad.
Yep. We were never allowed to share anything outside of my immediate family. Could only talk during commercials. I talk a lot but dont say the stuff that would make people focus on ME, personally. Feel invisible. Feel fake. But, i am working on changing my brain. Wish me luck!
At age 7, I was responsible for my 10yo & 4yo brothers and my 6mo sister, before, during & after school. So, ensuring everyone got where they should, dressed in suitable clothes, had enough to eat & drink, got treatment if hurt, but ideally preventing the injuries. At 18, I left, as a way to escape responsibility for the 15yo & 11yo. During this time, I was expected to be top of the class in everything (which I did fairly well). My parents, especially my father, repeatedly told me I was so ugly, no man would want me, so I had to be clever. The kids repeated this often, though they stopped after I walked out of a family gathering at 36, telling them how horrible I thought they were. Now 69, I have only fairly recently understood that some little girls do have good relationships with their parents, and as adults they keep in touch with their families because they want to, not out of some sort of duty. I still don't like mirrors. I see my family as rarely as possible. Thanks for giving me some understanding of my life through your videos.
I began to get chronically ill as my wedding was approaching. I begged my fiancée to call off the wedding. She refused. A few years later, she left me because I had extreme difficulty communicating as an adult in our marriage. I can vouch for how necessary it is to address these issues. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
Father often got angry. Learned to not ask for anything. He would give, however it was most often difficult to know what to expect. Mother was single and I guess I learned early on not to burden her. She would feel bad now if she heard me say this and understandibly, she did her best. Coming into adulthood which is a constant process, I think it is necessary to learn and acknowledge these things of how we were shaped as people, but then to address and forgive our parents for our grievances within ourselves, accepting them as they are, since we are no longer the dependant child, but adults on equal terms. We may keep learning and keep having to forgive the past, however as adults we may also exert ourselves and set the necessary boundaries we need to set for our own wellbeing.
If you're a burden, other children will let you know through physical and mental means. If you ask an Adult, or someone with authority, you'll be told something like "You're fine".
I definitely have every single one of those characteristics, though I'm trying to pinpoint what would have been the biggest catalysts. I do believe that my mom was definitely affected by a situation like the one that was spoken about in the beginning. I can't remember a time when my grandparents were nice to her, even though they were amazing to me. I was present for many of their fights and arguments and the way they would talk to my mom, like she was stupid. My mom told me that they would always tell her she was a difficult child, referring back to the when she didn't want to put her shoes on at 2 years old. My mom seems to have histrionic personality disorder, which can have some narcissism-esque behavior. I don't feel like my mom ever made me feel like a burden, but she did often choose things for me that I didn't necessarily want for myself. She would drag me to events that she wanted to go to. What I wanted didn't really matter. I run into this issue with my mom regarding my daughter. She'll say things like "You have to force kids to have fun". My daughter is 21 now and my mom will tell me that I need to make my daughter call her. Unfortunately, my daughter had a much worse experience with my mom than I remember having while growing up. Even if my mom never told me that I was difficult or a burden directly, maybe having indirect cues that your feelings and perspectives were not valid can lead a child to the conclusion that it's emotionally safer not to say anything.
Wow, the unwanted child fits me to a tee. I'm nearly 60 years old and have never wanted to be here. All those thoughts and feelings are 100 percent accurate.
While at work I started watching this video as something I might use to help me not be a shit father to my daughter. I had to stop everything. I was doing because in the middle of this video he started describing me.. the same thoughts, feelings, inner dialog. 😮
