Trapped in a Cycle of Burnout: the Grown-up Hero Child

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Being the hero child or the favorite in a family often comes with high expectations and constant pressure to succeed, which can lead to burnout in adulthood. Many individuals who were raised as the golden child feel the need to maintain their role by achieving perfection in every aspect of life, from career to personal relationships. This relentless pursuit of excellence can result in overwhelming stress, chronic anxiety, and ultimately emotional exhaustion. As adults, these former hero children struggle with setting boundaries, fearing failure, and experiencing difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, as they prioritize others' needs over their own. Recognizing this pattern and getting help to heal from it is essential to moving forward and breaking the cycle.
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Опубликовано:

16 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 647

@dot555. Месяц назад

Caregiver, peace maker, people pleaser,rescuer

@rogerunderhill4267 Месяц назад

ah… that’s me 😮

@caroleyre9144 29 дней назад

Yes and the Mediator…every time …I’m tired of it all now lol …I don’t have to work hard and mediate with my own family …that’s how I know the difference now …my Hub and Children are so different and are there for me too. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl 27 дней назад

Been there, done that

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl 27 дней назад

My childhood report card " Candace is a good student but we can't get her to talk" my grandfather " that's funny because at home we can't get her to shut up 😂. My counselor " that shows you were" safe" at home Ok keep telling yourself that 😂

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl 27 дней назад

This is why I practically passed out after coming home from school 🏫. I was exhausted from "masking" all day. I still do this as an adult.

@cestlavegan5793 17 дней назад

“Everybody suffers in the family. But everyone outside of the family gets the best ‘them’” Damn

@Mermare Месяц назад

Excelling academically also got me approval from teachers that I didn't get at home.

@mademsoisellerhapsody 28 дней назад

Same

@di3486 28 дней назад

And the hate of your classmates :/

@ALLinHerMovements 26 дней назад

My life story. The approval of achievement still feels good but I’m burning out all the time.

@deborahlincoln-strange622 26 дней назад

Same

@EarlofSedgewick 18 дней назад

It continues with bosses who paid attention and praised your good work. However, those are typically one of two things: a fellow overachiever, or the next step, an overachieving manager. The fellow overachiever will praise you for being similar to them. The praise will be honest, and will remain so unless they shift into the greedier form. This typically happens in large organizations where progression is always kept in view. The boss's achievements will be increasingly based on getting more out of their people, so they do that with the lowest accepted inputs. If you are an overachieving worker, this will be that praise, and they'll start to drip-feed it to you, or even neg you. This isn't always the case, but it is with people who start taking capitalism as a drug to fill in their lack of nurturing, true relationships. Growth becomes an object of religion, where you never wanted to do what you are doing, but did anyways because "someday it will be worth it". Much better to take the time to find out what matters to you, really, and then go out and gather enough resources for that.

@garyhomanick6129 19 дней назад

What makes this world so draining for “the hero child” is that you constantly find yourself surrounded by people who have absolutely no sense of self-awareness simply because they refuse to address their own ongoing identity crisis.

@user-il2oy5kb7f Месяц назад

So funny, I love getting sick bc it’s the only time I allow myself to take a break. I feel so guilty for taking a break.

@TimFletcher Месяц назад

We have heard this from a number of people. Sometimes when you push yourself all the time, having a 'good excuse' like being sick is the only time you feel allowed to rest. It's important to work on this - Rest is one of our 12 basic needs!

@evadebruijn Месяц назад

@TimFletcher Where can I find the other 11 basic needs please? ✌️

@paygecasady-christensen4952 29 дней назад

Or, when I've needed a surgical procedure.

@Thalanox 28 дней назад

Or a work injury. Its still stressful, but theres some elements of rest involved.

@ivastipetic5211 27 дней назад

Exactly ❤

@moondoggie7478 20 дней назад

I had to play that role for a long time. Parents, grandparents, friends, partners, co-workers.. Now at 27, all my social media is gone. Most times it takes me weeks to answer texts, and I spend most of my time alone. My social anxiety runs me up the wall because I can't tell if someone wants to use me, perceives me as weak, or thinks I'm a useless idiot. Phone calls are exhausting, going to the store is an event, hanging out with anyone is something that happens once in a blue moon. It's even affected my work and hobbies.. It's painful.

@hopefulpellinore5490 17 дней назад

I relate strongly to some of what you said, though perhaps for different reasons. I hope that you are able to find a place of peace for yourself where you can flourish and enjoy your hobbies and passions. I think it is doubly hard for a perceptive person to make headway in this struggle, you're constantly getting reads on people while you're interacting with them, taking on all of their problems, etc. It's absolutely exhausting. I still think there is a way to have balance, to give of myself and my time to be a listener and helper, but I learned the hard way that I must have boundaries or I will be consumed by the misery of others.

@AJ-ev8gw 16 дней назад

I felt this in my bones, about to turn 27 and I'm feeling this.

@innerwestie1446 29 дней назад

The scapegoated child is also over- functioning in the hope they will be validated. The difference is that the scapegoat is not recognised and is taken for granted.

@tinkingtinking2134 28 дней назад

❤

@petenkim2005 28 дней назад

Yes 1,000,000,000%

@tinkingtinking2134 27 дней назад

@@jakeylakey619 im the scapegoat and we need to be awakened first to the truth and once we accept that it wasn't our fault and no matter what we do they will never love us then we can move on. My healing started when I got sober but it took 7 years of Sobriety to finally see it, that OMG moment. See we are told it's us that's the problem from the start so I thought if I changed they would love me but that wasn't the truth, the truth is there was never anything wrong with me. If the Scapegoats you attract are not awakened then move on, but some of us are and we are happy.

@innerwestie1446 27 дней назад

@@jakeylakey619 I can see what you mean. However in my experience, the healing comes from realising that those people will never give them that validation. Once that is faced and grieved for, the person can start validating themselves and then they start attracting others who see their true light. BUT, they need to put person/s with NDP behind them for that to happen.

@jakeylakey619 27 дней назад

@@innerwestie1446 I had the love and adoration from my parents even though they emphasized how “responsible I was or quiet or giving..” so, although I’m secure in their love and know those things are essentially an asset. I had to learn to love those parts of me that I felt made me easily overlooked when it came to needs not being met. The kids who are labeled the problem child or black sheep or outright treated differently because they have a different dad from the dad in the home or the mom hated that dad. I felt so fucking bad for. I would see their light, no matter how dim and wish I could get their parents or siblings together for their sake. The programming is so strong that it hurt to stick around because they really couldn’t figure a way to be dismissive of those that hurt them to the point they self-sabotaged everything. Jobs, housing, health.. it’s heartbreaking. It is up to the individual but sometimes the programming runs so deep. That they need some immersive therapy. Something powerful and consistent. Then you see the cycle in their parents and grandparents and it’s like where do you even start. That’s the healer and fixer in me that sees something even more profound in people with more hurt than I can conceive of. I honestly couldn’t imagine it but I do wish I had the magic words or potion to fix it. The friends I found most endearing where those types but I know that’s my own trauma being that, that was my dad’s role in his family and wishing I could fix or heal him. Thus, creating this hero complex in me.

@Travishibachi87 28 дней назад

Putting yourself first before others is not being selfish...it's called setting a healthy boundary. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others 😉💪

@jacquelinepaton9143 22 дня назад

You have hit it on the head. It's self care with boundaries.

@doloresparlato 17 дней назад

It's not selfish, it's learning to steward yourself. You have limited resources within, you have to learn to use those resources judiciously. This is life is going somewhere, you want to make sure you use what you've been given for good.

@Casually_Him 11 дней назад

Ok it's quite literally the definition of selfish. It's just not bad

@Travishibachi87 7 дней назад

@Casually_Him You're missing the point. You have to take care of yourself first so that you are able to help others or take care of them equally in turn. Have you heard the phrase, "You can't pour from an empty cup?"

@f.t.9889 Месяц назад

This happened to me. Graduated best in my class. Suffered first burnout at 19 and second burnout at 31. Now I'm working on healing myself.

@DanielPrado-n2r 28 дней назад

Another may come.... I know it has with me.... Currently in one climbing out..... I'll pray for you bro while I pray for myself to not stop helping, but to start being selfish again.

@jakeylakey619 27 дней назад

Same ages I had burnouts 😩 now at 46, I’m burned out from all the emotional toxins that I’ve embedded in my body. Talk about a healing crisis 🤦‍♀️

@shruthiswaminathan2907 26 дней назад

Oh god same. Had my first one at 19 and second one currently at 31 😢 just crawling my way out 🤞🏽

@CedarSpringWolf 20 дней назад

In my forties and just now realizing I have been having life changing burnouts about once every ten years since a teenager.

@nak3dxsnake 14 дней назад

Its so wierd to realize you were always just reflecting the negative things around you while trying to actually be your positive self. Any time you achieve it though the things you fix seem alien to the people around you who didn't navigate their ability to be critical of themselves adequately. So sad. It can be explained so easily if it wasn't done through cartoons, and dogma, but just an adult you trust telling you to not trust yourself first and make good decisions only so when you experience other people making bad ones, no thought process or debate is necessary, you simply know they weren't told to check themself before they wreck themself.

@NANASplash 29 дней назад

After I fried at 45, I could never go back to my high energy super self. I went to all kinds of therapy and worked on me for 15 years. I never went back to perfect me. She died when I was 45. Took me years after that to fully find my way to sanity.

@L6FT 27 дней назад

This is me too at 45. I'm starting to come to terms with it. I kinda still miss the naivety of the situation, but I'm more grounded and at ease with myself and my needs. Still working on it though I'm 47.

@Freedom-is5st 26 дней назад

@@L6FT im 45 now starting this journey im scared of what i will find trying to change this style

@NattyByNature- 26 дней назад

I can finally vocalize what I’ve been feeling for about 5 years. It’s like I can’t get it together.

@user-vs8et8gk5s 25 дней назад

❤

@OlgaHolger 24 дня назад

GOOD FOR YOU :) HURRAYYYYYYY YOU HAVE WON!

@Neresdipity Месяц назад

When I started treating my family of origin the way they treated me - that is to say, living for myself instead of living for all of them - I sure enough went real quick from being an 'amazing person ' to them to being the worst person alive.

@irenelopps1852 29 дней назад

Me too!!! After 13 years of raising my family running my own business and taking care of my dad‘s medical needs I had to take a step away from being the perfect daughter/ sister. My father was on hospice and in a nursing home, he was dying from bone cancer. I literally took the focus and energy off, pleasing my brothers and my mother and completely focused on spending time with my dying father. It only took four months for my older brother and sister-in-law lose it with me. They verbally attacked me in my parents home, they didn’t like the way that I was handling my dad’s care and my tone with them. They live 3 1/2 hours away and only came to see my father a few times during the 11 months that he was on hospice, but they felt like they could tell me what to do. I literally stopped catering to their needs and decided to focus on my father and they couldn’t handle it! Their verbal assault woke me up to the fact that no matter what I do, they will never love me. Don’t get me wrong. It hurt at first but three years later, I am at peace with that. I am a Christian and I find my identity in God, my creator not and what people think of me. I am 47 years old and I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life! Sometimes we need to go no contact or minimal contact with the toxic family members in our life!

@DrManhattan8472 26 дней назад

Same

@robertclark8991 24 дня назад

Bro. Amen.

@scottwstevenson 18 дней назад

@@irenelopps1852Kudos to you!

@AishatheMermaid 5 дней назад

@@irenelopps1852thanks for the validation that I’m on the right path. I’ve gone no contact with my family and the void it left (which was only ever the illusion of love) caused me to fill it with God. Tim keeps saying to “look at your stuff” but not what you do after that. God is the only support and guidance that I’ve found as a solution.

@x-mess Месяц назад

When you get to your adulthood, you realize you cannot keep up… you isolate bc you realize every interaction is a transaction that costs you… with no reciprocation.. u wait for the reciprocation but it’s not coming. Screw the trophy, screw the carrot, screw the ‘love’.. screw it all bc it’s never enough! No. No to everything and to everyone… except for me. My needs, my immediate family gets my best. Everyone else is a no, and a very low maybe at best! I run away from the predatory needy bc i now know they are lazy with a mask of misery and pity… I see them, and know they see me. They are unveiled and it’s a NO. There’s only enough oil in my lamp for me!

@youtubedespiser Месяц назад

a-fucking-men, brother 🙏

@tammyaiken3800 Месяц назад

Thank-you for this. You perfectly articulated my current energy mindset, and my moving into this energy and physical reality

@x-mess Месяц назад

@@youtubedespiser ehem... it's sister... but I'll take it! 😂

@x-mess Месяц назад

@@tammyaiken3800 ❤ here's to keeping our oil in our lamp for ourselves!

@wafia333 Месяц назад

Same! I experience that right now. I am getting rid of every toxic and jealous person. The fake friends. And focusing on myself and my husband. I am very isolated right now, not doing much. Being burned out so i had to stop working, but still studying for my bachelors. I am trying to be healthy, working out finding joy in things again. But it is very difficult. And i am afraid of getting social again, because i can't trust a lot of people anymore.

@Dumbledoresarmy13 Месяц назад

Relationships always burn me out, they reach a point where the other person thinks I'm some kind of perfect angel or soul mate, meanwhile I am exhausted and have turned from enjoying their company to wondering how I can escape. Only recently I realize it's because I'm being a 'people pleaser' so rather than just being authentic I am bending over backwards to accommodate them as much as possible...and burning myself out. I have to learn to let go of the fear that people will leave me behind if I ever tell them 'no', but it's a hard feeling to shake.

@earthrooster1969 29 дней назад

Read all. I lived with the fears of being left out but when chronic health conditions showed up, I know I cannot let the fear rule as the people I turned to won't magically come around and help me. Once this acceptance has set in, it's such a freedom. It allows me to realise I am safe, safer even, mentally at peace and that I am my best protector and my own best friend. Reaching this point has taken time, four years, maybe more, but each day feels like a win.

@doreensmith6791 29 дней назад

I can relate! No wonder - we were NEVER allowed to say no, likely, in our families. I was shut down immediately if I showed anger. So of course we feel like people will just leave us if we show displeasure with them, or disagree with them. I was never shown the "limits" or the "ceiling" of how much room I have with other people to be real, to even argue, or disagree. It still feels very scary to me. I just HATE that I was given no parameters within my family - we needed to develop skills to relate to people beyond trying to please them. Ughhh, it's so annoying and the burnout is very real. At least we can see it for what it is!!

@Freedom-is5st 26 дней назад

you described me and my journey in relationships so accurately - thank you for posting

@Freedom-is5st 26 дней назад

@@earthrooster1969 i so want to get there so bad like you

@Travishibachi87 23 дня назад

@Dumbledoresarmy13 You are explaining conditional love my friend. A lot of us have grown up with that being our definition and experience of love. But it's not true. From what I have learned each of us has the ability to express unconditional love as human beings. This means we can give AND receive freely to our own selves and others. A perfect state of flow and harmony. You're not going to get left behind at all. In fact, if others are not on your level they will be left behind because they don't deserve your company. Good luck and best wishes to you all 🙂💚

@Miracle-Needed 29 дней назад

Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest.

@Travishibachi87 28 дней назад

This is very similar to what Ram Dass has spoken about in his previous talks. "Prolong not the past, invite not the future" 💚🙏

@tishaturner8079 22 дня назад

Yes

@pat7917 21 день назад

You forgot to add “unburden what has been”. LOL

@mauricioesma 17 дней назад

Amazing ❤

@ShodhikaSharma 15 дней назад

🙏😊

@moscowcowboy_13 Месяц назад

The index of my high school year book has more notations for me than just about anyone else in my entire school. I was trying so hard to be the best at everything. As an adult I noticed how my narcissistic family wouldn't miss the chance to see my half brother, the golden child, drinking beer and playing softball (like it's a serious sport), they would drive hundreds of miles to see one of my childhood friends, but when I celebrated 2 years of sobriety and went to a karate tournament (where I beat 20 men in a row fighting and won first place) they refused despite it being only about 20 minutes from their home. I proved that someone from my family could be good, even great at something and they hate me for it.

@jl3268 Месяц назад

Your light aggravates their demons. Keep shining, survivor. ❤

@patrickpoulsen1 Месяц назад

Fuck those demons. Stay strong.

@truthspeaks623 Месяц назад

You are not alone

@karencarney7595 Месяц назад

This is me!!!! My mother drove all the way to my sister's Roller Derby game, a very lame 'for fun' sport. (As adults) . I beat heroin addiction, benzo addiction and severe alcoholism, alone, with a stroke...and zero intervention or rehab. No one even came to see me or send me a mere text 'congrats' ((i later got yelled at by my spineless father, same man who shook hands w my rapist knowing he violated me and yelled at me for crying. He yelled at me for wasting my adult years getting high, but i was severely damaged by him. I was on my own since 17 yrs old & was full functioning even as an addict, supporting myself even going thru school and paying bills .. just for reference ) The whole family drove 8 hrs roundtrip for w BBQ w my sister (no kids, lesbian) in it. I was not invited or informed. I had a baby, alone. No baby shower. A few texts 'congrats' and not even a phone call or follow up TEXT! (Single mom, went home ALONE!!!! Lived alone !! ) Opened up my first business w my life savings. No one showed up!! My sister had another roller derby game and eveyrone traveled to see her. None of my big milestones and accomplishments were noticed, or appreciated . I could well up w tears over the years. Sister still the golden child.

@GodiscomingBhappy Месяц назад

❤❤❤ i feel you man, you are not alone

@Babeatrice Месяц назад

This burnout I’m in right now is the last. Quit my job, stopped fawning and people pleasing with disrespectful people no matter who and in all kinds of trouble with people pleading for the old me to come back. IDGAF anymore because I can’t. She’s gone.

@earthrooster1969 29 дней назад

Yup. Allowing them back in, even a millimeter is asking to go back to square one!

@RealBradMiller 29 дней назад

Did the same and people hate this Brad so much. But, that other one was left to rot by the very people who are upset about it now.

@farcyde2948 16 дней назад

Nobody even gives a fuck. Stop making a sad story. Take the lessons.

@Cedarsunrun 25 дней назад

I don't think a video has ever resonated more with me than this one. Growing up I was a year-round athlete and top student. I went on to become a Marine Corps officer, where I was successful and performed at a high level in combat in Afghanistan. As a leader, there was absolutely no room for weakness, emotion, or introspection. You have to be the foundation on which the team functions. I left the Marines and joined the State Police, where I was the honor graduate. It was around this time where I think I finally hit burnout. My life fell apart. Everything became a struggle and I slipped into a pretty bad depressive/anxiety state. Where I once was a man who craved danger and challenge, it had become difficult for me to complete menial tasks like grocery shopping. I ended up resigning from the state police to go to grad school. (I told everyone that school was the reason I was leaving, but really it was just because I needed to escape where I was). I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD, but I never really believed that was my problem. I always knew it felt like something different, and I think this video describes it perfectly. I just can't believe how relevant this video is to my life

@NorthStarPNW 23 дня назад

Thank you for your service!

@rainorshine7816 21 день назад

❤

@volkoff6357 13 дней назад

Semper Fi. You're not alone. We have to learn to love ourselves. Our lives depend on it

@jn8922 27 дней назад

I realized this on my own some time ago. I was the hero child but ironically the scapegoat. It was affirming seeing this video. I'm burnt out and can't figure out why I'm such a loser now in middle age when I was so successful in my youth. I am burned out because this pattern continued for so long. The hero child syndrome presented itself with my relationships outside my family. It got too much and I just gave up completely. I tried so hard and did all the right things but it came to nothing.

@cajampa 20 дней назад

Same, the hero child while at the same time the scape goat and all for nothing in the end. I just left a similar comment.

@SuperStella1111 20 дней назад

You live under capitalism; you aren’t a loser. ❤

@nixtrix84 19 дней назад

And then there's no substantial help. How are my bills going to get paid on a burnout recovery? How can I not only put the pieces back together, but heal all those broken pieces without the space to rest?

@nayp4892 17 дней назад

Same here, I ended up getting scholarships to elite schools and universities. Now at my mid thirties I completely gave up. I burned out since 9 years ago and all the effort I put came to nothing. Not even money saved. Even I got a chronic debilitating disease. I try to not compare myself with my class cohort or former friends, because I feel the most loser of them all. But it is what it is, I burned out since very young and it takes many, many years to recover from it.

@shadowshatto 7 дней назад

@SuperStella1111As if living under anything else would make us feel like not a loser. This isn't about "the system" go away with that to some other video, this is about our parents.

@IsaacGriggs97 26 дней назад

The hero child is like Darth Vader. Powerful and perfect on the outside, projecting an image of invulnerability, but under the mask is a burned out (literally in Anakin's case!), ashamed, tortured person that is in desperate need of help. The problem is that as "hero's" we are terrified of asking for help, because if we need help it means we are not perfect after all and the mask we put up and the version of ourselves we created to survive in the world will start to crumble away. We also fear we are a burden to others and letting them down means they will run away. It took a lot of self compassion and courage for me to look at my shame, and slowly now my mask is falling away and I am beginning to see real me in the mirror sometimes. Saying no is also a lot easier now. Thank you Tim.

@TylerBlok-y8h 28 дней назад

Buddhism has taught me that its always expectations that lead to misery. I now try to limit expectations to only the people and things I truly care about. To live is to suffer, to suffer is to be human. We choose what to suffer for and we can choose how to react to suffering. If you ever have an itch and choose to ignore it, the itch usually goes away. Because there is no expectation of that itch getting scratched, the sensation is nullified in a way. Suffering can act in a similar way if we choose not to impart expectations on the situation. I’m not a psychologist so take all of this with a healthy dose of salt but I have found that this way of thinking has really improved my mentality on life and given me a solid foundation to build upon. I hope this helps. Peace and Love!

@jazziew2148 23 дня назад

🤗🤗🤗

@illlogick7151 19 дней назад

“…… Lowered Ex Pect tayyynayyynshuuunnsss! ! “

@marciamartins1992 19 дней назад

That's right, sometimes it's the only way through.

@Oi_Portuguese 12 дней назад

@@illlogick7151Ha😅

@illlogick7151 12 дней назад

@@Oi_Portuguese mad tv was such a great show

@gracefulexit2023 23 дня назад

I am at a point in my life when I JUST DON'T CARE anymore.

@marciamartins1992 19 дней назад

My moment of zen is when I tell my self, it's not my problem. Lol

@nak3dxsnake 14 дней назад

thats actually the beginning. its crazy but we were always just supposed to be calm, but the world never took the time to explain that to us. we've been racing through a maze that exists but we created the tempo. we wanted to be our best, but we were so busy doing that somewhere else for someone else that we forgot to become epic. its so stupid. all we ever had to do was whatever the fuck we wanted.

@grantwithers 11 дней назад

@@marciamartins1992 not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem not my problem

@justjamie6458 Месяц назад

This is very true for me. Worse part is I had a CBT therapist who had me focus on performance. I did well for a while, my house was clean and my mood was good. Eventually I was unable to keep it up. My therapist didn't understand why I didn't keep it up. She said "CBT works for everyone," she said "people with depression are selfish" and she dismissed the fact that I had sleep disorders, diabetes and low thyroid claiming that my medications solved all my physical problems. CBT helped with a lot of things but didn't resolve the fact that I've been burning the candle at both ends for decades and lost myself in the process. Thank you for your videos, they have been very helpful.

@lesliebean4594 Месяц назад

Sounds like your therapist needs to find a new line of work. So sorry to hear she failed you. Proud of you for all you were/are able to maintain. Just know you’re not alone. The house could be spotless, and all the tasks done. Allowing for everyone else to lay around and do nothing. Or travel, do whatever they “want” to do. But, my mental and physical health has suffered to afford them that for years. I totally get it. Praying you find peace, joy and contentment. 😊

@justjamie6458 Месяц назад

@@lesliebean4594 thank you. I think my therapist had a mom with depression, she hinted at it, she had her own baggage.

@laroseblanche9435 Месяц назад

Nutrition!

@theodorurhed Месяц назад

I feel like this is the advice you will get from most tow-the-line therapists. A quick diagnosis and easy solutions. I've found a therapist now who actually was interested in hearing my story and burden and shame and that has been incredibly validating to hear I'm not crazy for "thinking too much" like my other therapist said. These videos with Tim have been further validating and The Body Keeps the Score also speaks of the truth and complexity of CPTSD.

@jaydee2072 Месяц назад

CBT is such a shitty form of therapy, especially when administered by females to males. Women literally don't understand mens mindsets, or fears, or really anything that drives them emotionally, at least in my experiences. They just have their silly little gaslight therapy, where you gas yourself up with fakery and go out and do what you were already going to do. Never found any traction in CBT, it just made me go deeper into my head and twisted the wires up even more. It's a hard knock life getting back up in a world that doesn't care a bit about you. Good luck.

@s3rj81 Месяц назад

That's how I feel. I have always the comments of my parents in my head. You have to, you can't, look at your brother, you're lazy, you have no friends, you have no girlfriend, this is not a good girl for you, this is not a good friend for you ecc ecc ecc. No matter what I did it was always wrong.

@sfstucco 29 дней назад

Hi. Are you still in your 20s? If you are, I would say those comments will likely fade away. If you are an adult, YOU are the boss of you, and YOU get to be the one who forms your values & decides if you’re doing things right, or whether you “should” have this girlfriend or that platonic friend, etc., etc. When you start working on changing that perspective, their voices will start having less power over you. -- I had my mom’s voice & comments in my head for a number of my first years as an adult. They eventually morphed into my own voice but with the same comments. When I was around 29, that changed for good. I was on the phone with my mother, she started scolding me about something I told her I did that had zero to do with her. It was a choice that only affected me. Without processing the situation at all, I suddenly hung up on her as she was scolding me. It was shocking. I had never done such a thing before. I was always the perfect one, so behaved, so patient. It came out of nowhere & was so reactive. She called right back and acknowledged that she shouldn’t be scolding me. But it only took her another 60 seconds to start right back into the scolding again. I hung up on her again. From that event on, the mean “mother comments” left my brain. I actually could not remember them anymore. To this day I can only remember one. Somehow, the act of drawing the line and sticking up for myself had the effect of dispelling the awful self-talk. I’m not “fixed,” but it’s a relief to no longer be burdened by the constant self-denigration. I wish you the most luck.

@ScorpionMaiden75 28 дней назад

@@sfstucco thank you for sharing your story 💞🫂💞 I had similar experience with my dad. Every time I think for myself and not what my dad would have wanted me to do I flinch, start looking around like he's about to beat me. Mind you I'm 49 years old. I was a "Daddy's Girl". Everything I ever done was to earn my dad's approval. It was never enough. Therapy has helped alot. It's hard to unlearn things that I thought would keep me safe, but were actually getting me in hotter water with my dad. 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

@sfstucco 27 дней назад

@@ScorpionMaiden75 -- 🤗🫂🌸 Funny how we can make some sweet, heart-warming connections by exchanging our little stories in the response margins of RU-vid! I'm glad to know you are on the road of learning, understanding, changing. We need to be ok with whenever we manage to switch the gears towards healing & changing. I'm 63. I worked hard on myself in my late 20s for about 10 years. My relationship with my partner unraveled all of that hard work, & I crashed/broke down/burned out at 58. Still trying to put myself back together. But just reading your experience (and sometimes others') brings me back in touch with the emotions that I keep stuffing down, and that's a good thing (for me). So thank YOU for sharing AND for all the sweet emojis. 🤗🫂🌸🌼🌺

@nak3dxsnake 14 дней назад

@@sfstucco The extra voice that always seemed like me if I was mean to myself and did things just to get the other guy in trouble or noticed. Took me far too long that was everyone else's negativity attacking my subconcious and creating my shadow masked self. The versions that forgets and hides, and stagnates and projects and villifies anything and everything because everyone assumed I had given up, not that I was bing whittled away. I can only hope the rage and sadness I brewed this leg of the journey will make me capable of the push just to return to what I always knew.

@sfstucco 14 дней назад

@@nak3dxsnake - Congratulations on getting the understanding part under your belt. (: The daily recognition, application of understanding and better choices is very challenging. We need heavy doses of self-forgiveness along the way. My best to you.

@dianaprince7713 29 дней назад

I remember having thoughts as an adolescent and young adult that i must act perfect to receive love. I'm not sure that's true, but is how I felt. The person i gravitated to as my "best friend" was very needy. I was their best friend, but they were not mine. After decades of neediness and rescuing them but not receiving much in return, i ended the friendship. They never asked why, just stopped communicating. I'm pretty sure they have turned others against me,but they weren't real friends either. It's as though everyone wants me responsible for this person. For the first time, I don't care. I matter too. I will not give my best to those who do not reciprocate.

@Travishibachi87 28 дней назад

YESSSSSSSSSS. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, DIANA! 👏👏👏💚💚💚

@jkd6969 25 дней назад

This happens a lot in life…. Just pick yourself up and never repeat the lesson!

@2010lrain Месяц назад

I was called a Rescuer by my friend. I didn't understand at first but now I do. I'm trying to make it all right again.

@OliveWeitzel Месяц назад

Also I , but I learn to let people do their own mess!

@sandra8991 Месяц назад

Wow! This is me and my parents in a nutshell. First breakdown with 17 as I couldn't hold up having the best grade in every subject. I'm 45 now and totally burned out, have severly struggled for several years now and just recently realized how much shame I carry inside. I'm working on it. Thank you. That was very helpful 🌸

@valerieelisebethcooper83 28 дней назад

My mother said a breakdown was a luxury. I lived where my mother wanted, I did the office job she wanted. Never got to do the things I wanted. Father busy watching tv and out with his friend, barely interacted.

@christineklutts4991 28 дней назад

Maybe ur dad’s friend was more than a friend

@ManzaMvsa 16 дней назад

Your father was happy living his life.

@valerieelisebethcooper83 16 дней назад

@christineklutts4991 sure, leaving us on our own, then coming home after drinking to start a fight. Miserable times.

@valerieelisebethcooper83 16 дней назад

@@christineklutts4991 drinking buddy.

@christineklutts4991 11 дней назад

@@valerieelisebethcooper83 I am so sorry I myself know all about that. I used to say hell must be full tonight

@braininjurydiy 29 дней назад

I can't believe i came to this realisation recently, I was always fighting shame, running from it, trying to deny it, trying to reason with it, nothing worked, then the other day i turned and faced it and said 'what, what are you trying to tell me'. All these memories came up of feeling shame or embaressed, i let myself feel it, then I explored it and managed to reframe it in a way that made me feel better, you know by thinking of people I know who've also done stupid things, then I realised we all do it so why do I feel like people are judging me when they themselves have done the same stupid things. Most of my shame has come from an abusive mother who critisised and attacked every day, I'm sure I have a long way to go but they say if you repress emotions they never leave and control us subconsciously and cause chronic pain, so I'm trying to see what's there and see if I can function better.

@Mimi.Ambroise 28 дней назад

Same! I had a similar breakthrough with my relationship to shame just this week. I realised that shame is the fear of being judged but mostly I am just judging myself. As you said, everybody does stupid things and I'm generally very quick to forgive others but not myself. I don't show myself that same compassion. What helped me was realising that we easily forgive children because they are learning but in our society you suddenly go from being an innocent child to reaching an age where 'you should know better'. Do we really though? 😂 Do we ever actually stop learning? When I see us all as just big kids learning lessons the pressure dissipates and the shame dissolves.

@Travishibachi87 28 дней назад

Bless you for having the courage to face those unpleasant feelings. It's definitely not fun but it's definitely worth it. Good luck and keep going my friend 💪💚

@ThScarletPimpernel 8 дней назад

Resonates strongly with me.. Hope I can do this someday.. congrats on moving past it

@claireh.7605 Месяц назад

I had a bad injury from SSR drug withdrawal but it left me numb; so I stopped being a fixer, helping others, or caring about other people’s problems and I feel great in that regard I never knew I didn’t have to get involved in other people’s lives before

@earthrooster1969 29 дней назад

Slowly discovering this joy, myself after post Covid complications. And when I do help out, it's because I choose to and ensuring that I am not spreading myself thin...

@JaceFalcon 29 дней назад

Lol. Injury. The withdrawal effects, etc. Happen to everyone. Not just you

@susanne4370 27 дней назад

@@JaceFalcon very disrespectful and dismissive comment

@letslearn8789 14 дней назад

@@JaceFalconIt is an injury. Not everything is physical. Also their point made sense and remains

@darid17 Месяц назад

I was the perfect child at least studying wise which it was made clear to me was the most important thing, I was like a miniature adult - wanting to take responsibility for myself and do evething myself and independently but I burnt out as adult and became very lazy in every other aspect of my life. Work became the new studying with all my energy devoted to it. I feel like I am one trick pony, only successful at work and nil else.

@AncientIntegrations Месяц назад

People applaud them because they’re extracting whatever that person produces like predators.

@earthrooster1969 29 дней назад

Very true!

@juhgfdsapiyhhnnxc3517 14 дней назад

I’ve cut everything off

@a.a1309 Месяц назад

Every word of that video describes me perfectly …

@ayemiksenoj5254 28 дней назад

This is the kind of stuff that needs to be taught and learned in the teens and early adulthood before too much time and life is given away. I'm just NOW realizing how much adapting has cost me in personal relationships. Not just people pleasing. Being anything and everything to whomever at any given moment. Now, that I can see I'm doing it and know that I can choose myself, I won't be doing it in new relationships. I'm free of all my old relationships, except one and that remains because it's helped me see and learn so much.

@MrAgmoore 21 день назад

teens is much too late - my child abuse started at age 3 years old.

@ayemiksenoj5254 21 день назад

@@MrAgmoore, mine started at 5. Often it's too sensitive to deal with other people's children in certain areas. It's ultimately the parents job, but if they don't there needs to be a designated age and social settings for these lessons.

@RayneyKayLa Месяц назад

The dysfunctional family trains this child to sheild the family's skeletons by over performing. 🏆 It makes the child feel like they are out running the core shame that their family is so messed up. The dirt is swept under a rug....the rug being the success of that child. But their mental health is secretly in shambles, and the parents dont really deal with their own issues. The parents have used the childs performance to dismiss their own shame. The parents are reassuring themselves with that child----using that child. It makes a robot or shell of the child. It teaches them that they better not show any cracks or have any break downs. Ive also seen parents who then resent/guilt/condition the child for the SAME success of the child---they had no promblem soothing themselves with. The child can grow up into an adult that has depression issues do to the constraints of their role and the perfectionist standards they have set for themselves---to out run the shame.

@theeffect3927 27 дней назад

well said, relatable. then, breaking out of this pattern - i somehow transitioned into skapegoat role. letting go of the shame and all the roles.

@RayneyKayLa 26 дней назад

@@theeffect3927 that is typically what happens. Once the hero child stops performing the shielding and trophy role....they are then denigrated to the scapegoat..most children/people blame themselves at that point.

@theeffect3927 26 дней назад

Yes, feeling depressed about it. Grieving..

@nak3dxsnake 14 дней назад

Just turned 40 and am trying to call my Mom out on this. I realize though she is a product of it too in some way and likely genuinely doesn't realize she scapegoated me into oblivion.

@nak3dxsnake 14 дней назад

I'm a starving artist. Always carried the weight of the world. I was fast and agile, but let my body twist and shrink like I was dying for the last 30 years.Never knew success. I used to drink water, and run everywhere, and take risks that were calculated. Then I noticed I was always the worst of the four siblings, the black sheep of a broken family. We were dysfuntional, on food stamps, trying to find a place to land. Only now do I even see ground I would set foot on at age 40. But I miss flying because I want to, not because thats the only way to avoid being shamed for being mentally shackled for 40 years. Taught what life is by people who are so confused about what it is or how to tell someone in simple relatable terms. Who cares what someone wrote down. I woulda believed anyone who could tell me the truth. Just live and be happy and only worry when there is time for it or it is needed. Don't make worrying your life or you automatically become prey.

@yveqeshy Месяц назад

Described my entire childhood

@asabovesobelow7981 29 дней назад

ditto argh hugs

@En_theo Месяц назад

Thank you for all you're doing, every word you say correspond so much to what I'm living. And it's so hard to get rid of all these traumas...

@oliviaindie9241 Месяц назад

Perfect timing. I want to get out of the customer service field and work in forensics or psy, but I get overwhelmed with the idea of picking the right thing and having fullfillment

@maidofcornwall 29 дней назад

Go for the thing that excites you the most. You already know that customer services isn't right for you because it doesn't excite you. Pick something that does and go for it. Even if you accidentally pick the wrong one, or change your mind in a few years, you've learnt from it, so it was right at that time. You can do it 😀

@matthewsheeran 26 дней назад

Do a broad degree or diploma in the space which gives you all the options as major strands to choose from in the later years after earlier units covering them all.

@truthspeaks623 Месяц назад

Been burnt out and living in survival mode since I was 12. My father wanted me dead and he damn near made it happen. I think the only reason I'm alive is because he didn't want to get caught.

@parnianfaizi5471 18 дней назад

I hope you are ok now

@doctord9029 Месяц назад

My story completely! I’m already burnt out and in recovery

@Hellohzbsh 18 дней назад

On the flipside people will take you for granted too much. So, it's also healthy to say "no" at times. Don't be too pleasing.

@Duszka Месяц назад

I feel seen

@Charmainecharmainecharmaine Месяц назад

Same

@debfox Месяц назад

As an only child, I took on most of the roles! Definitely the hero role. I’ve had to do a serious deep dive into healing codependency issues!

@kathypariso6102 11 дней назад

Tim, every video I watch, I see myself. I am learning so much about my own struggles to be “normal” over the years and at 67, I have given up the pursuit of “normal”. I am alone now and frankly, I am finally at peace with who I am.

@Justfor2day10 21 день назад

I’m that hero child. I got tired of being that character and had to let some people go including family

@selah71 18 дней назад

My mom always told us kids we were perfect while telling us how to live and run our lives, etc. She was happy as long as I mirrored her wants, desires , needs and shoulds. The happiest time in my life is when I lived thousands of miles away from my family.

@davidmckayii752 Месяц назад

This helps me. Thanks, Tim. I am slowly starting to get better at not caring about what others expect from me, or how I look. More, about what I deeply love and want to pursue. It's like a giant catharsis. Wonderful.

@tomusic8887 27 дней назад

I'm just fed up with people period 😂❤

@NoraGermain 12 дней назад

Cynical. Hope you heal and find people who nourish and support you - and don’t drain you. ❤

@il3mendo 28 дней назад

Pica/esting disorder/social anxiety/autoimmune diseases/bpd/adhd/ Schizoaffective disorder/ chronic pain/neglect/self loathig/narcisism trait/ neurodegenerative disease and then with the answer back into the sick inner child as an adult . Emotional neglects is the worse

@dailylifeexperiences560 Месяц назад

I believe some People have no idea they are doing these things.

@earthrooster1969 29 дней назад

Yup. But the information is for those who are trying to survive, swim against the currents...

@bradleyboyer9979 27 дней назад

Most don't know. We all have our biases and blinders, though. There are probably things you do that you don't realize as well. We all do.

@johnt5897 25 дней назад

I didn’t, but you start to become more aware of it the more unsustainable it becomes

@Ilfenomeno-sp2hk 4 дня назад

I’m only 34 years old, but mentally and physically I feel like I’ve been alive for 80 years! I’m beyond drained and tired. As much as things can get better, pain/trauma will NEVER heal! I truly can’t see me going through this pain for another 40+ years if God allows…

@user-ll1nc2ru4t 28 дней назад

I thought stress and lack of sleep were just a part of life...then I had my first tonic clonic seizure. I am a full on epileptic and have learned how real stress is. You have to take care of yourself because it will catch up with you one way or another. Im sick of picking people that dont appreciate me and expect me to do everything for them. All of my family, all of my ex partners. I just wish I had a shoulder to lean on in life.

@Adelita-r6c 27 дней назад

Sounds like you are an empath surrounded by narcissistic people...learn about both and free & heal yourself...💖🌅

@msdimi01 25 дней назад

I think I have had a burnout since 2019. Started a job in 2018 and gave it my all. Gave more than my all. Gave more than 100%. Then in the same job in the end of 2022 to jan 2023 gave even more than my all and didn't even received a thanks. Literally worked 18-20 hours a day for three months. Ever since these I can't get up to the same level of energy I had. I now fail at everything. Can't quit because of bills and too tired to start a new job. An endless cycle of nightmare.

@NorthStarPNW 23 дня назад

Tim is completely right except for one thing -- this Hero Child never "WANTED" to be a Hero Child, it became a role that was forced upon me due to parental divorce. That responsibility then led to a college major,, career, partner and lifestyle that are mostly unsustainable because that were not built on a solid foundation. Stepping off the hamster wheel is essential, but that will cause a train crash of very real consequences to those around us. Becoming sadly resigned to fate becomes known as 'being an adult.'

@mailill 22 дня назад

Yes, I agree. The roles are often forced on the children, and it often take years until they "give in" and accept the role that is forced upon them.

@user-ms4ef8xz9t Месяц назад

This nails my sister pretty well. Now the cycles have picked up pace. I fear she will fold soon.

@marciamartins1992 19 дней назад

I can relate, my sister is a pleaser to the max. She works for a rageing narcisist, and feels she has no choise, because it maintains her lifestyle. I couldn't put up with 3 minutes of him.

@stacey5204 12 дней назад

I am done. At 37 I realised how messed up my childhood was and I am still living in it. My father I am convinced is a narc and my older brother is the version of him. My mother died in hospital and my father wasnt even there or with when I rushed her to hospital after being married for 47 years. Ive been abused most of my life and still being abused by my older brother the golden child. He causes havoc in the family but my father allows it and justifies his abuse towards me. Pathetic! I cannot stand this anymore

@user-eg6xu7cr8e Месяц назад

Sorry, I can't do it. It's too scary. I've just recently interrupted a group psychotherapy, I mean I've escaped from it. I am too afraid to meet "myself", but it's true that I can think over and over about solving problems of other people.

@switzerlandful Месяц назад

Ya it's true. Many do not see a free forgivingwoŕld open enough to let them spill and cry out about their world. Most bottle it up n are afraid to open up. Easier to r email alone n heal in silence Ina quiet place

@Jess-kn8vl 28 дней назад

It's okay, go at your own pace.

@LittleDezzyRocks Месяц назад

This really hit home for me...

@jakanon4418 5 дней назад

This dude just largely explained my entire adult life in 12 minutes 😂 I have a work life balance…I live to work!

@leopardoelcatorceno 28 дней назад

💯💯💯 Burnt out before 40.

@queddogg22 25 дней назад

Same 🤦🏾‍♂️

@hkodavid 15 дней назад

I went to 4 psychologists in the past 10 years. I left all after 5-10 hours. One told me I need to meet new people. The others didn't have a clue. This only video is worth that 40 hours.

@fettbub92 11 дней назад

The oldest, the "hero" child, third parent, and step child was fun. I was an overachiever, especially in high school. 3.0-4.0 gpa, sports, clubs, and volunteering to coach. I earned a full ride to a D1 school under an Army ROTC scholarship. I dropped out my sophomore year, after burning myself to the ground. My imposter syndrome sunk in as soon as I crossed state lines and on campus. Id probably be rank Captain by now. I definitely had done a lot to keep people at bay, keep my emotions hidden, and functioned like an android. Add to that being autistic, im surprised I didn't explode earlier. My father, technically step father, is a narcissist, and very much used my success to fuel his supply. For me, school, sports, and involvement was my escape. Busting my ass to improve and succeed was how I could enjoy it all. I still struggle, even in my 30s. My wife has been helpful, being there and helping me find ways to be normal, not to try to be superhuman. Its been hard, especially when I am alone with my thoughts.

@SurlyOne13 Месяц назад

Too real. I couldn’t even get through video. 😑

@RealBradMiller 29 дней назад

🫂🫂🫂

@Orrly5 20 дней назад

Wow. Tim just summed up my whole life in less than 12 minutes.

@user-eu7cx9gv1t 29 дней назад

I was the perfect overachiever hero daughter. Did whatever I was told and became what my parents wanted me to be. Woke up one day at 28, depressed and miserable. I didn’t know who I was. Left Texas and moved to DC. Changed careers and loved it. Found out I was an excellent dancer even though I was not allowed to dance but had to take piano lessons for 20 years. Excelled in piano too, of course, but just for them. Haven’t played piano in 30 years and never will again. I had to literally leave the state to become who I was but eternally grateful. I was on a collision course for suicide trying to be what my parents wanted. It’s sad to be an adult and not know who you are or what you like. Glad I was able to save myself.

@HMhandmade 28 дней назад

I wasn’t celebrated or shown off to others because I was doing the parental role and was never to disclose that it wasn’t the parent/s doing their job. I did develop perfectionism etc as part of the need to maintain a veneer of family normality and respectability. Just wanted to point out the payoff was different and not public.

@catmafia-tc2yt 25 дней назад

You just explained my last 45 yrs. 😞

@MegaZoomeZ 27 дней назад

Every time i think ive had a unique experience i find a video that perfectly describes me

@bonnacon1610 Месяц назад

We all clicked on this one, haha.

@sarahyip2825 Месяц назад

The first part rings true about having a role from young that worked. Such as a fixer role that happily carried the family thru challenging times. But I feel some qualifications needed on a few generalisations mentioned. Being a Workaholic is true of the majority, hero or not. Which inevitably leads to Burnout. Yes experienced both. Lack of direction/success/meaning in life were clues. However aiming to look good may NOT be the driver as suggested, nor any fear to look inwards (shame or brokenness). More to do with a well trodden track of being a fixer and not knowing a different mode... Knowledge is key- Self Awareness. How? Through feedback from others (positive +negative), introspection and reading. Awareness about the cycles we get "caught" in. And wanting to press Pause to heal. I did. Despite lack of support from the very family whom I had wholeheartedly supported...

@g11gamer15 13 дней назад

I was planning a season of focusing more on God as a Christian. The day before I was to put my plan in action, this video shows across my recommendations. I don't think I have heard of Tim Fletcher before. After watching it, I'm wondering if this isn't what God intended for our time together- to truly heal from my past. The fact that I recognize myself in this talk is so uncanny, especially the idea of a relapse holiday. The number of times I had tonstart over is exhausting. I'm alsways wary of falling backwards. I know I need to be healed of my past trauma, otherwise I will never be truly able to fulfill my life's purpose

@ATXviIIIe 21 день назад

Stolen childhood is the tragedy of our times

@Bealtaine947 Месяц назад

Thank you Tim for you're insights on trauma!

@g11gamer15 13 дней назад

9:54 "Take on projects called needy people." The people I have considered my best friends were all like this- someone in need or who could use help with their life. But when they no longer need help, it changes things. My role as the "hero" no longer works. It requires me to find another way to relate and it usually doesn't go well at first because, before I understood what I understand know, I didn't realize my friendship was based on their needs.

@AristoclesPlaton 22 дня назад

Wow. I know someone who fits this description exactly. He tries to please everyone, says what he thinks they want to hear, but at some level there is an echo of something in-authentic about this behavior. Then, from time to time, he becomes overwhelmed by all the promises made that cannot be met, not even by a superman. He flies into a rage and shouts at people: Colleagues, friends, children and pets. Many people are amazed when this happens, asking themselves: "Where the hell did that come from?" And today, as I write this, he has been at home sick for months with severe burnout. His wife (a narcissistic gas-lighting borderline-disordered manipulative succubus) rules the roost, squeezing from him her demands. And to recover he is trying once again to be everyone's friend and loyal supporter.

@DarthJarJar10 Месяц назад

Describes me to a tee... Except no drug addictions. Trying to heal and stick in limbo.

@kagame6524 29 дней назад

Same, no drug addiction but screens, workaholic or approval seeker.. those are sanctioned drugs lol

@Travishibachi87 28 дней назад

What do you feel is keeping you in limbo?

@DarthJarJar10 18 дней назад

@@Travishibachi87, thanks for asking... It's a lot of things. Some are too sensitive to mention here but I don't really fit in where I live and can't really emigrate. I'm in the middle of a tough round of board exams that will make moving easier (one more to go) but recently had a traumatic few years... Had to cut off toxic family members, then help a parent from which I was estranged navigate losing her husband, being diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease (she's in denial and I had to fight with her employer to have them do the basics and medically board her)... Amongst other things... I realised I was battling to concentrate at work and was diagnosed with ADHD... The Concerta worked initially but then a symptom which didn't go away turned out to be epilepsy (my mother's father also likely had Alzheimer's so I'm now worried it's genetic and has already taken grip of my brain)... Throughout all of this, from 2021 until now in 2024, most of my friends have emigrated and I've lost touch with so many. I can't easily relocate without getting the board exams out of the way as they directly affect my pay and I have some student debt. My mother still hasn't been entirely sorted out but I'm at my wits end. Between her not realising she will need dedicated care and the toxic family rearing their every so often, together with adjusting to the epilepsy in my early 30s, it's just been an unfun time to be alive.

@DarthJarJar10 18 дней назад

@@kagame6524 preach!

@L6FT 27 дней назад

So important what Tim displays, having compassionate people who aren't afraid of seeing the vulnerability beneath. I recently became aqcuainted with the concept of toxic shame. Starting down this journey and addressing my fears I'm not afraid to share my experiences and insights with people, having developed more compassion I can more easily gage people where they are at, not pushing an agenda, but have more compassion for their perceived shortcomings and what they might be hiding from themselves. The perfect hero type is another aspect of the niceguy pleaser who was neglected being met in their needs often without a fatherly rolemodel.

@antoinettepierce3330 19 дней назад

I can relate to most of this topic although not all. It's taken me about 3 years to go through my internal healing, still working through it. It's been a long process. Thank you for sharing.

@lesneatelier 27 дней назад

This is such a genius way to explain it. And it's very true. I have been in all those stages.... recovering now, slowly...... thank you so much for all those videos!

@pawdaw 19 дней назад

This is 100% my story. Always busy, rushing from one thing to the next. My identity bound up in people pleasing. Outwardly everything is going great, I have boundless energy. Covid happens, and I have to stop - I'm forced to sit with the me that I had neglected for so long, and find myself burnt out and depressed. Almost five years later I'm still emotionally 'locked down' but have a therapist to help me disentangle everything. People around you may be fooled by the curated performance, but it will catch up with you.

@beaujones5124 11 дней назад

Tim calling me out completely lol this is spot on. Feels pretty good to start checking people more often and enforcing boundaries. Opens up an entire world I never knew could exist. Just trying to lean into it as much as possible without redlining my stress levels. Wish me luck

@Naiaworship 20 дней назад

Geez, the shoe fits. I need to listen again. Not quite sure how I came upon this, but I did. All the symptoms. Especially the picking up needy people - it makes me nervous not to be needed. I'm not sure what my value is if I don't serve others.

@nialeemaria 28 дней назад

I finished high school at 13. Its been 20 years, I’m a stay at home mom of 3, and I still have nightmares about underperforming.

@anisjt 19 дней назад

exactly me.. my issue is the times i tried to be vulnerable people look at me like im crazy, or say im dramatic and those things never happened, or some sort of way to discredit me and say im just being negative. i shared I was molested once with a friend and they just cut me off and started talking about their mundane stress 🙃. i'm silent because no one believes me since i "look so good" on the outside

@sleepmutterer9746 Месяц назад

I wonder if it's possible to be the hero child, then when you see the truth of the situation, become the scapegoat? I've always flittered between the 2 - even to this day with work, relationships - but never known if that's possible 🤷‍♀️

@RealBradMiller 29 дней назад

Oh yeah! Certainly was both, now I don't communicate with them. Let all their dirty laundry out on Facebook and said "Tata!"

@tannerrule2556 13 дней назад

Tim, I am 31 years old and I thought that I had seen all the helpful content pertaining to my situation by now. Your posts are not only new, but even more specific to my situation. Thank you for continuing and uploading your work.

@tothemoon8465 Месяц назад

Yeap this was definitely me. Still is partly.

@shmeleu 26 дней назад

Good explanation of my autistic burnout.

@jontyscho 25 дней назад

Much of this rings true to me, the problem is i feel fine really. I have no idea if theres something inside of me that needs digging up and therapizing. I just know that i feel incredibly guilty if i feel too tired to do something my wife wants to do, and she thinks i just dont wanna do stuff. Really im exhausted from working 65 hours per week for the last decade. Its not a workaholic thing, its that life is expensive.

@TL-ch1xd 24 дня назад

I say: Enjoy feeling fine. And if you feel incredibly guilty if you feel too tired to do something your wife wants to do after you working long hours every week, explain it to her exactly as you did here. If she doesn’t respect or understand you being too tired then it’s on her, not you. If she understand and respect that you are too tired: ❤. If she doesn’t: calmly repeat what you said (plus that you understand if she feels disappointed but that you need to recharge your batteries if you are going to last a lifetime) until she does and ask if you can set a date to do that thing in the future.

@skylerwilson5378 16 дней назад

Needed this video.. thank you. 26 been in a burnout for 3 years.. although I’ve been accomplishing a lot I never feel enough

@KimElliott-d8k Месяц назад

Wow, I've never heard anyone else say that before. I always say that...but I never get sick.

@dontberash 4 дня назад

This void in me will never be filled because I am the void. Inside I'm empty.

@coldblooded568 20 дней назад

OMG THIS IS ME 😢I didn't realize I'd become a robot...

@jamsey3298 24 дня назад

Thank you Tim fletcher for all your hard work. I have listened to you now for 3 years and you have changed my life for the better.

@schiz0phren1c 6 дней назад

the phrase "if you want something done, give the task to someone busy" is one of the most insidious pieces of sarkology ever coined.

@byron8657 19 дней назад

I was raised and born in the 60s with an alcoholic father and a workaholic mother, alone neglected despised.With four siblings to take care of my beloved aunt use to say on me on how hard to raise such parents. I have became strong morally and spiritually upright and independent self sufficient became working student and put myself in college. In order for one to be strong learn to walk alone. From the Buddha. Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day but teach him h to fish and he càn eat for a lifetime. K

@vickyfellers7046 19 дней назад

I am awestruck! Well done! You even sounded like angels singing out my favorite quote! You could be me if my mother worked instead of just running away from home all the time! I hope God gave you 2 sense of humors, also, as a perk for all the s**t you lived through... And thrived, in spite of! Be Safe! If you can't be Safe... Be SMART!

@Heyokasireniei468sxso 23 дня назад

it seems when you mix the hero with the golden child is how you get the overt narcissist but when you mixed the caretaker with the golden child is how you get the covert narcissist

@houndmother740 4 дня назад

I have a friend that this describes perfectly. Elements of it or me but this person really fits the description.

@coreycleven8414 24 дня назад

My brother treated me like a punch bag, my mother treated me like the at-home therapist she could lie to a little less than her regular, and my father treated me like a source of things to pawn. It's taken a long time to learn that I was appreciated simply because I was quiet.