I’m so glad I found the channel. I’m 42, I was adopted at 5 days old. All my life I’ve struggled with feeling like an outsider in my own family, and feeling like an outsider in general. I struggled too with not seeing myself. As brown haired, brown eyed baby from Italian and Hispanic descent sitting in a family of blonde hair blue eyed English/Irish/German descent, I never “saw” myself. Despite being in a loving adopted family I’ve struggled with feeling unwanted my whole life. My adopted parents divorcing when I was 7 years old just complicated matters.
I can relate!! I was adopted at 3 months old and I also had a breakdown over my middle school family tree assignment - I can still remember the confusing emotions I felt. Thank you for opening up the dialogue on grief and loss.
Yep, we talk about that one a lot. That's Dave-O's story pretty much exactly. There's quite a bit to process there. Hard, but totally worth it. Thanks for watching!
As a 21 years old South-korean adoptee this video helped me put 1 and 1 together. The self doubt, trauma, no one to attach to, etc. I am extremely happy I found this video as I believe adoption in general needs more attention then it gets. Thank you both!!
I was adopted a week from being 3 yrs old. Was adopted by my fathers parents. Yes, I know be grateful that you got to stay on one side of your family. 🙄 I never thought of that exploding part of when all of those feelings was actually grief. I know I felt a lot of hurt, abandonment, rejection and I also thought it was my fault too. It bugged and hurt me so much. It turned me suicidal but I’m so glad I pulled through all of that.
I feel it is the responsibility of the adoptive parents to keep the child connected to there culture, even bringing the teenager to visit there home country, and family counseling to help everyone to be open and communicate.
This was everything. Im am an adoptive parent of two boys ages 13 and 18. AND Im a trauma coach. So, fair to say...SPOT ON. Thanks so much for sharing in such a profound way.
Sorry I just now found this channel. Thanks for your vulnerability and amazingness. 🙏🙏🙏 I'm a therapist in training (I'll graduated in July from the MSW program at IU Bloomington) and certified yoga teacher (love the somatic). And I want to specialize in serving transracial adoptees, folks struggling to cope with grief and loss, and parenting. Thanks for blending informal/raw/authentic stuff with research and evidence. Absolutely love it. I'd love to partner one day on a podcast or something via internet- but I'm focusing on my graduation now and frankly the idea of editing videos makes me want to avoid putting myself out there on the internet. Just saying - love this video, this is the first one I've seen from you guys. And I'm an adoptee ^_^
Guys thank you so much for this video. It was sent to me by my Mom. All of this hit me so hard. I’ve met my birth mother and everything and i am constantly thinking about how my life would be if i wasn’t adopted. This video has helped me a lot as a growing person. Thank you guys so much.
Glad you found it helpful! There's definitely a lot to learn and we've spent the better part of a decade digging into it. It's not typically easy, but definitely worth leaning into.
We plan on adopting teens in the near future. Hearing your perspective was very valuable. I thank you for sharing your insight. This conversation helps us to better understand the underlying feelings we will undoubtedly encounter. We have raised 3 biological children and are attempting to prepare ourselves for something that is going to be a totally different experience. I thank you for sharing and caring to share. I appreciate your brave journey.
Guys, this is fantastic and absolutely spot-on. We have two adult daughters who were adopted from Korea as infants. Things are a lot smoother now (they are in their 30s) but for so long I was blamed for everything. It made me wonder, as I listened to your video, why only the mom/mother is mentioned. I mean, emotionally I understand it as it is the primary bond we have in life and that was broken. Yet my husband and I parented as partners and mutually agreed on decisions, yet for years my daughters would paint me as the villain and him as the good guy. Intellectually we all know that there was a birth father in the picture and in the case of both our daughters, they abandoned the mothers when they discovered they were pregnant. And I am sure I don't have to tell you how impossible it is to be a single mother there, doubtful the child could even attend school. So the primary abandoner is the father and these mothers feel so helpless. I am new to your channel so I will go and watch the other videos, and if you haven't mentioned the birth father yet maybe you can in an upcoming episode. Thanks, you're really entertaining and honest about your very real pain.
Thank you so much for your support and your story! It is interesting that Moms tend to bear the brunt of the effect of trauma and grief. I know this was certainly true for my (Dave-O) Mom. I believe there is one older episode where we talk about fathers, maybe for father's day, but the reality is it just doesn't come up as much. It definitely warrants revisiting, so keep an eye out for season 3. Thanks again for watching!
This is great. I am an Asian American who adopted a little boy from China. This is good info because my son will go through this and I want to be there for him when the time comes. How come there aren’t more Asian Americans adopt? That is a good topic too!
Man...when you mentioned middle school...being hard on top of dealing with grief and trauma...hit me in the gut. We just adopted from China. She's 11...middle school...and we recognize the difference of middle school age stuff and trauma stuff. This video has been enlightening on seeing the difference of trauma and grief.
That's awesome that this is something you can recognize now. We both had that "aha!" moment much later in life and in retrospect, so it might be more helpful to know this stuff earlier in life! Thanks for following!
Love your channel! So relative. not even just applicable for us adopted, but for anyone whos lost a parent, anyone whos perceived abandonment even parents who couldnt meet emotional needs, emotional abandonment.
yo this is great, you talk about this so thoroughly and objectively but also don't turn down humor. damn as an adopted person myself, i needed this. thanks and love
to add, i've never heard anyone openly talk about these experiences with such precision. diggin the VErNAC thumbs up. can't wait to watch more of your stuff
Thanks so much!!! It's been interesting to make these videos and engage with the community. We've seen a huge surge in interest on our Facebook page and website over the last few months. So keep an eye out at www.yesimadopted.com . Thanks for watching!!!
not too long at all! It is so helpful and insightful. I'd like to know, if we are seeing these things in our kids, and suspect it is due to the trauma of adoption, should we bring it up? Or do we wait for our kids to bring it up? You guys are the best! Thank you!
Wow. I knew I needed to listen to this as soon as you started defining terminology. YES. It's amazing to "hear your own story." I've always loved connecting with fellow adoptees. No one else quite "gets" the primal wound (trauma), the attachment, abandonment, rejection, control issues. I'm a 45-yo adoptee, adopted at 5 days, private adoption. Reunion happened 8 years ago, but I don't retain the relationship (definitely a control issue.) When we did family trees, I didn't include my bio family. The worst assignment for me - as a Caucasian female - came during my freshman year of college - "Explain the importance of your ethnic heritage." I'm sure you're having a laugh about that one too. I wrote that it wasn't important because having a connection to a country/traditions you've never encountered personally is useless. I got a B-. Wow guys. THANK YOU. This was my first video of yours - I think that's a good thing - I am looking forward to getting into more of your content as I continue to work through my adoption/grief/trauma/anger.
Guys, seriously, thank you so much. My daughter is only 5 but it is so good to hear honest thoughts about this stuff. Please keep up the good work, it is greatly appreciated
Thank YOU so much. This has been really interesting and entertaining to create. We just had our live kickoff for season 3 yesterday, so keep an eye out for more content in the coming weeks!
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 It's 100% difficult growing up having two parties in a person's ear, trying to throw a sales pitch to convince a person that they are their "real" parents"....... Just saying.....If this doesn't bring up cognitive dissonance and PTSD I don't know what will.....
Only just seen this but I honestly can't explain how much I feel hearing this was like hearing myself that I've never been able to open up about and knowing it wasn't just me myself feeling this way has changed me I'm 26 I got adopted at 8 years in care from. 2 xx
Great episode! We adopted our kids domestically at birth and I often wonder if there is grief that they need to feel/express that I’m not aware of. While we have open relationships with their biological families and the kids have contact with them pretty regularly, they have asked questions I don’t know the answer to and that their bio parents won’t answer. I would love additional resources on this topic!
Thanks so much! In our experience the grief is real, but we didn't really know how or what we were experiencing/describing until much later in our lives. We always recommend the two books by Nancy Verrier as a good starting place for understanding grief and trauma... and our channel of course! We have a pretty good (read: not toxic) community happening on our Facebook page, if you're into that, and thinking about launching a new website soon. Is there anything you'd like to see/hear discussed? We're open to suggestions.
You guy are amazing! Great conversation! I watched all the way even though I am not adopted. And it was totally worth the time! Subscribed! I want to hear more!
Ah, the infamous family tree project! As an adult, I've figured out that my family tree is three-dimensional. But the middle school one just felt like a lie, a bold-faced lie. I sucked it up, because I didn't want to bother anyone.
Love your channel. I really appreciate your honesty. As the mother of a (still very young) adopted child, I am learning far more from you than from those dreadfully boring, overly dramatic and for the most part totally useless adoption preparation classes. Looking forward to the next episode (and the ones after that, obviously).
Thanks for watching. It's been fun making these and hopefully they're as educational as they are... entertaining. Ha. We're coming up on the end of this "season" and starting to plan how we're going to make episodes going forward. Is there anything you'd like to see/hear discussed?
@@AGAProductions Any insights on things that people said or did that were really helpful while growing up or things that really made no difference would be great. For instance one of you mentioned going to heritage camp and it didn't sound like it was particularly useful experience. Would a camp for adopted kids worked better? What would you have liked more of, what less and particularly why. (If that makes sense)
Yeah. That's great. We're taking our season break right now to plan out this next bit of content and these are definitely topics worth touching on. We think a lot of the things that would have been the most helpful for us as kids didn't really come around until we were adults! Hence the channel. =-) Thanks again for your questions and insight.
So as a mom of two adopted boys from Taiwan I see these things forming in my boys. We are a Christian family and we are always telling them how loved and accepted they are and showing them in God’s word who they are to Him. However, my 7 year old struggles with when he isn’t “perfect” at something he really beats himself up. If he is disciplined for something or if he doesn’t do something perfectly he just wants to give up and definitely seems to go to a dark place in himself. How can I beat encourage him through this? Should I encourage him to talk out his feelings of birth family? I will add we have a very open relationship with his birth family(my two boys are bio siblings and we are in the process of adopting their sister). We talk about his Birthmom and try to shed a positive light on her and the situation any time he seems open to it. Help?!! Thanks so much!
There are just so many theories and perspectives on this it's hard to know where to begin. A lot of this is really difficult and unexplainable until kids reach their teen years because they just don't have the words to describe what they feel. But openness and honesty are always the best approach. A LOT of adoptees have issues with perfectionist tendencies, and you just do the best you can. Thanks for watching!!!
I wasn’t adopted, but my father abandoned my family when I was 14-15. I’m 21 now. I look nothing like my mom’s side of the fam and, for a long while, I knew nothing about them. You put a lot of the feelings I felt into words I can finally understand. My brother and I often wonder what life would be like if we could still see them. Thank you so so much
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