Your fear that the narcissist will REPLACE you 

Yes. We do and do and do and give and give and give and never measure up. Nothing ever makes them happy long enough. To know your replaced by someone who could be your own daughter is heartbreaking. When I think of it my whole body reacts on a similar level to when I found out. Heart races, trembling, sometimes that start of a panicky attack where your hearing goes off wack and you feel a little dizzy. I've yet to read the book but have it on my to do list ...the body keeps the score. How true it is. I have guilt for what mine has gone thru, it makes me sick to think about it, but I can't live like this any longer. The daily misery and brokenness is so hard to bear. 3 decades you give your all, you have your dream, you know things are not right but somehow you keep plugging along and hoping every day. But then you see what you can't unsee (this knowledge of info about npd) and nothing is invisible or excusable any longer. I feel crushed and grief like none other. At times I don't think they even have an emotional bone in their body, except when it's to screw with our minds

So true

Yes! You're so right!

Only they dont 🤭

@@gallevran yeah which is a relief to me xD

My husband always seems to scoff at any achievement I've made when we're alone, when my kids express they're proud he seems to right away agree, then either walks away or changes the subject. He acts like he's angry at my achievements and others mention that maybe because he's jealous of my time, or he's afraid I won't need him now that I have my own money. As a passive aggressive he's always the victim. But that's one way he keeps control and gets pleasure, he puts me down and then pretends it hurts him.

I grew up with that mentality Having another enforce the same mentality later on in my adult life hasn't helped me grow but regress in some aspects and it doesn't feel by choice but by necessity. 😩

@@patricehoward9831 I've seen your comments here often. Curious, I clicked on narc survivor channel to see what the channel is about. To me the robot voice & the background music seems hypnotic. The about page - interesting. Who IS narc survivor? I couldn't find anything about the actual person? 🤔

@@patricehoward9831 My gut instinct is uneasy, I can't quite put my finger on it, something seems off. However I listen to myself. To your own self be true.🖤

Oh my goodness😳😳

It hurts so bad tho

​@@daleroymunashe4ikr best iv found is to not care but yh very painful

​@@daleroymunashe4why care?

​@@daleroymunashe4nah It's awesome to be free:)

Very true

100%

So true!

Well said

Exactly. :(

Not that large of a loss, right? Not really. Not in the end. Wishing you well.

💯✔✔✔

❤️

Congrats :)

Just found out about my replacement after years of fear around this.

You have to have guts to face things as well as you do.

@@cymbolichuman433 thank you, but that just means you have the guts too. I'm still learning, healing, and educating myself as that type of treatment is inhumane when you go through it. We have to break the cycle within ourselves to cease these people from our existence.

So true. I experienced this recently at work. Suddenly realized I wasn’t going to be replaced at some future point for a special project...but the game was already in play and my shiny replacement had already won.

he told me the 1st weekend he was replacing me! Then couldnt understand when I bolted for that. Took him 6 months to find a replacement, and she is a downgrade that he claims to be extatic about!

I think "he's not worth fighting for" is one of the healthiest statements I've ever heard.

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 Praying for strength to get wisdom and self love

You WILL come out of it--just don't rush into another relationship and ruin what might be the real thing but got sabotaged because of the baggage from the previous toxic relationship.

@@wolfgangk1 yessss I agree with you 💪🏾 🙏🏾time to focus on self

Sweetheart...know that you are Loved and are Beloved.

Same.. I can SO relate to you!! It's been devastating to feel like you cannot even trust YOURSELF! I'm just now seeing that EVERY man ( and several friends) I'm tried to love in a committed relationship has been a Narc... It all stems from my narc Mother. I'm terrified of people and now know that I'm going to have to stay away from people until I heal and get help to break MY codependency and empathic patterns, to stop being a narc magnet and repulse them hopefully!!

same with me.. everytime I get depressed she comes and make me feel good.

Me too.

It’s like she already speaks what my soul tries to express!! She wakes up my subconscious and gets me thinking for the better. So amazing.

I ALMOST spent $69.99 today, to get a Spy app --for his phone. Then, I caught myself, and said WHY... Do I REALLY GAF??.... The gaslighting, the cruelty, the (probable) cheating, the fact that he Rarely goes out of his way to spend any quality- time with Me....(unless he's horny). Why do I care? I actually Don't. So "Bye bye bye"..loser-boy

Same here. Was dating a Navy cdr who just ghosted me after I told him I liked him and wrote to him about my feelings for him. It wasn’t what he wanted so he just left. Now I know he was vulnerable narcissist and understand emotionally unavailable. He’s meeting g more people now in a new city. During pandemic I was his stop gap. Terrible behavior. He actually takes care of his family so well. But they can shed you in a heart beat. He was meeting all kinds of new people. Twists your mind these people. So please stop, value yourself. You are okay by yourself. Actually more than okay.

well said! fuckyeah!

Idiot prize 😂

what to wear, how to do your hair, what to eat, when to eat, when to go to bed, how to sleep in the bed ...

Yep exactly

Your narc sounds like mine

"left on read for 6 hours"? try two months mate... i only WISH he'd answer in 6 hours!!! 😆

When He left me...I cleaned the car washed and ironed his clothes and wished him well.

@@cymbolichuman433 i helped moved what tiny bit of stuff he had over my place, changed his address, and made sure there was no reason for him to come back over.. when he did come back over to see me, i didn’t answer the door and blocked his calls with a spam filter..

I tried to talk to my ex-narc. I asked him why he was treating me so badly. He told me that I was nothing special. That woke me up, and I told him to get out. I said "we are done". That was the end of my nightmare!

@@FlowerGrl20 I was told to take my kids and get out almost weekly the last years

Amen! Help them pack. At that point you should no longer care.

That’s perfect. I mean actually it probably didn’t feel funny to anyone involved but it’s so predictable. At least you’re free.

Terrible. Just terrible. Yes they do seem to look for others they’ve been with ....not only looks.... but I knew this before I saw a photo of a previous ex and the ‘look’ he goes for.

@@dubliner1303 Oh yes! My ex narc has a specific look that is all the same . His ex wife and his past GF’s and me all look alike ! I find that so strange ! What is that all about?

The narc I was seeing definitely has a type. People we work with said he brings women around that look like crackhead versions of me. It's weird!

You were replaced every time she cheated, you just got to keep paying the bills!

Dr. Ramani, you are so awesome!

I agree. Sometimes you have to know the person you're dealing with, and no matter what you do, it won't change. They are in constant need of supply to flll their empty souls. Like a snake...It is their nature to bite you. Just a matter of time. If you're lucky, discard them before they do you. Save yourself alot of pain down the road because if you catch them cheating ( and you will ) they won't admit anything and then will blame you.

Thanks, good idea.

Yes..thank you

I'd also recommend writing down the negative interactions you had with the narc. It helps me to read it when I'm feeling down. I'm like whoa I never ever want to go through that again! But then sometimes I'm like what is wrong with me to have allowed myself be treated so poorly? I can be forgiving to a fault, and I always want to see the best in people.

@Seventeen Raccoons -This is /so/ true. Our minds sometimes overlook all the bad times so we need to be reminded of them. This happened to me the other day when I remembered a really bad argument we had. It made me grateful that I wasn't on that sickening emotional rollercoaster any more.

journaling was a huge helped in this arena!

Sorry about that.

Hahahaha! Great analogy!

Even tho your analogy is funny, there is no selling happening. Its more like someone else steal your bad defective car. You invested a lot in it and could have get at least a little money by selling the car, but u have no car cuz it was stolen from you. So you lost your investment and also lost your hope and possibility to get at least something back. There really cant be talk about selling, grabbing money and run. Its only a loss. No money.

@@DZ-jz8bj True, but some cars are so bad you need to pay someone to take them away and out of your life.

Be strong cuz that's what you are!

@Veegee333 many kindest thanks. As an aside, I did go through all the stuff Dr. Ramani talks about, love bombing, gaslighting, devalue and discard. If I had not started watching her videos, I would have never figured out what was going on.

Congrats on your new job! 🥳

@@justinalee7306 many thanks😃😃😃

Yes!! My ex was similar. Not just vehicles, but also expensive bicycles, cameras, phones, outdoor gear & clothing, etc... He was CONSTANTLY selling things that he just bought, in order to afford the next newer/better thing. He'd rave about how wonderfully his new thing was designed and made, until a 'better' one came out in a few months. At first he would convince me that I needed to spend my $ on this stuff toom. Ughh. It was so time consuming, exhausting, and financially draining. Early on I foresaw him trying to trade up on me too, and I was very distraught. But he tried to convince me that he viewed people differently than objects. 😂 Unfortunately I chose to stay barely disillusioned for too many years before being 'replaced' anyway.

@@guinevere8492 I think it's a type of brainwashing. I was seeing so many things but made excuses. I guess I just couldn't believe someone could be that selfish, shallow and self-absorbed.....He always had the best of the best for himself! He also had more lotions and creams for his face and body than any woman I've ever known. One time he was visiting me, I realized my sheets had some holes in them. I made an innocent comment about them when I noticed it. He offered me his older sheet set he had at home but later I realized he'd just bought a new 1000 thread count sheet set for himself, and he was giving me his "old" ones, lol! Unbelievable! I realized months later that these Narcs are so shallow, it's the only way they can fill the endless void that is their soul....with STUFF, preferably new stuff. And they see people the same way. I was like the old, comfy sweater he kept in his closet for years, but finally got tired of it and threw it out for a new one (the New Supply). It's really that simple for them. These Narcs are about as deep as a puddle. Someone once told me that finally realizing what a narc really is..is like getting a nicely wrapped present but opening it and finding out there's stinky dog poop inside. Good analogy, lol. Hope you're doing better these days. Hugs!

Wow, very similar to my ex narc I was with for 8 years. No loyalty to anything.

Same I realized this the other day with my ex. He always got new phones, traded music equipment, etc. He also didn't take care of things well too, picking at them or playing with them until destroyed which could just be a separate thing but just my observation.

Same here!

I can relate to this! These are things we need to look at within ourselves. Give ourself the love and attention we want from them. It’s hard because for me it feels narcissistic (especially when the ex accused me of being the narcissist even though he checks the boxes) to look in the mirror and tell myself “I love you! You’re amazing! You are loved and are loveable” but that’s exactly what we need to do.

I am still in but I know it will end. I constantly think about the beginning and how beautiful it was and how I know someone else will receive that. I guess my fear is that the beginning experience will go on with a new person. That it'll be as amazing as it was in the beginning all through their relationship. Then I'll think I must have been the failure. That I ruined things.

@@jajairaberrios2981 WE FEEL LIKE THAT.....BUT THAT IS NOT REALITY.....A HEALTY PERSON DO NOT DO WHAT THEY DID TO US NO MATTER WHAT...PERIOD.....A HEALTY PERSON WOULD HAVE REACTED IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY....THAT MEANS WE WERE NOT THE PROBLEM......WE MUST WORK ON OUR MINDS AND ALSO GET CLOSER TO GOD.... IM CATHOLIC AND JESUSCHRIST HAS SAVED AND TRANSFORMED MY LIFE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY

😥😥😥😥😥😥 This is me right now.

My replacement is the guy 14 years before me. 😥

I experienced that also. She swore she was gonna be alone after discarding me. Then 2 weeks later I saw her out on a date with her ex boyfriend. I was hurt, but wasn't surprised. I drove past her house late that night and she never came home. I knew she stayed the night with him. She can't keep her legs closed... Moral of the story...Trash attracts flies.

Thank you, I needed to hear this. 💝

You too. X

Yea, I can definitely say that it was only when I started to do a deep dive into my issues that I started to realize what fears and weaknesses I had and how they were contributing to my situation. The whole thing really sucks but I am happy that I've at least started that journey and I hope that by facing these fears and working on these issues, it will help me now and also keep me from falling for this type of stuff in the future.

I just took a screen grab of this comment. I love your take on the concurrent desire for and fear of being one’s authentic self as a driving force behind fear of rejection/replacement. Brilliant contribution, and thank you!

@@80islandia I’m sincerely glad I could help 😊

They are also afraid to face the reality of what happened to them because they fear that it will mean something horrible about reality itself. Trauma creates stories for us in our minds, and the most painful part about abuse is that we come to believe those stories. Looking back at the things that happened, it’s important to look very closely at the underlying beliefs that we adopted from those situations and to question them very intently.

@@Fuzballoffur I would agree with that. There is research coming out about something called “moral injury” which is an injury of a person’s conscience and values from a perceived moral transgression. So a soldier in battle or a victim of assault can witness things so incomprehensibly wrong to them which in itself is traumatic. These are tough things to reconcile...you can’t go back to the way things were before, but you have to resolve the trauma somehow if you want to have any semblance of a normal life. People often cope in dysfunctional ways, which is why a good therapist is so important in straightening people’s thought patterns out.

Yes, I understand that so very well. It is the driving force behind my replacement fears. This sets kids up to go into narcissistically abusive relationships.

Yes, all narcissists do the same crap, they are very predictable when you understand them!

True, the boys next door only 7 and act just there narcissistic dad. The mom is so afraid says he'll change

The golden, scapegoat & invisible child is a form of replacement. If you don't please me or come up to my standard....... you're not my child, you're trash to be thrown aside. Worthless.

@RU-vid Vivo It wasn't an imagined or perceived fear. It was reality. Belonging is part of a person's identity. Take away that & you become a hungry ghost.

I know this comment was two years ago.. but I’m sorry you had to go through that. How are you now? I’m in the midst of the no contact. And pregnant smh. do you talk to any of his family or have you completely cut ties?

It's my fear too

But the fact is that they can't live happily with anyone ever.

As soon as you disengage and go no contact they don’t bother with you. But if you keep up with replying and engaging... then they will continue forever. That in itself says it all. Ignore until death.

Thank you this is a helpful technique.

I can't have compassion for Him. Not yet

@@suzanne4396 I don't have forgiveness for my ex narc and I wish him the absolute worst in life!

@@amberparedes875 Maybe he should hook up with my soon-to-be Ex.....

@@amberparedes875 THAT would be the worst in life!!!

Thanks for the analogy. Sometimes the trash takes itself out too.

This is what affected me too "loss of time"... however, everything I've been through has educated me to who I am today.. Wishing you the best in 2021.. ❤

@@sophieh9387 thank you I wish you all the best as well :) yes, you are 100 percent right, it is not only a loss of time but a lesson and it definitely played an important part in sculpting the self I am today. But the brain is a tricky organ, sometimes I forgot this and say to myself that if I had another chance to use my time it will be never for such a person. Better alone and doing the things that I love :) And then I remember that healing is not a linear process. I guess it is ups and downs ups and downs.

So well said.. once you've been taught to see by Dr. Ramani,you can't unsee anymore

Bingo.

That's what my daughters did to me. No therapy no relationship, period. So, they've taken away 6 grandchildren from me and blocked me on all social media.

Therapy is good ...pretty much everyone on Earth needs psychological deep dives. ☺️

@@cathygail9204 Physician heal thyself. Can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. A person has to want to sort their OWN ISSUES first, not everyone else's. There's none so blind as those who cannot see.

I am totally with you on this one. Exactly how I feel too

Holy hell!! Your comment is exactly the reason why I left. My health was in jeopardy. If I stay...it would destroy me. If I left...it still hurts but at least I heal and move on. If it was a good relationship then why did I feel so unhealthy? My body was telling me it was gonna end badly if I stay. All I know...I made a choice to leave and save myself even though I miss her and the good times. It's sad, she moved onto new supply and making new memories, even after telling me she would remain alone. Constant LIES and contradictions.

I'm so sorry, one was bad enough, I can't imagine 25

So jealous, this thought is destroying me. I’m jealous that you don’t have this fear 😩

@@ruthpeterson1478 My thought is “better her than me”. She’s doing me a favor!!

Oh God.... Pack my bags I'm going on a guilt trip!

If you are that serious about it,stop doing what is preventing you, you will get better in time.

Your intuition is right. His feelings are his responsibility. They try to alter your reality. I have dealt with a "nice" Covert narcissist. Its manipulation. Good luck.

@Barbara Yep! Apparently, I selfishly "abandoned" my family because I woke up one day out of the clear blue and decided that I simply didn't want to be a wife or mother (my chilren were both adults by then) any longer. Ugh.

Hope you found the strength to leave. You owe him nothing.

I completely understand that! Mine has gone, but I'm hoping he'll find a new 'love' so he won't try to return.

mine says the same, always says that he never had any issues with other relationships, and that I 'broke him'....

@bestdeals7295 Thing is.... At the end, he let a couple of things slip. He mentioned 1 ex and said "I couldn't go back to THAT misery!" He mentioned another and said "She didn't know how to fight properly." (Whatever THAT means) So, see??!! He DIDNT get along with quote "everyone except ME" They always slip up eventually. Cheers Christi

I am literally in this situation right now

Same here. But I think it must be doable to heal to that point :)

The good thing is: you are aware of it. That's a great start to finding out who you are, what you want and love yourself. You need to do that first, before you step into a new relationship. Or you luckily rjn into a great, loving, humble, nice kinda partner who is really good for you. But still: don't ever forget to love yourself and take time to be YOU♡

Take care Vaishnavi..

Did you leave?