whoop whoop! That sports bra looks so comfoRtable ! That's always the most important thing for me when I am running :d !!! Such beautiful park! duckies !
Heeeeey Beautiful! What a thrill. I have never left South Africa. The plane food looks almost like hospital food. Looked creative😅! I totally always skipped eating in public in general! Not anymore though! Hope it was tasty. Maybe i missed it..but how long was the flight? ❤❤❤
I love airports ! Growing up near O'hare near Chicago, it was fun to go and have my dad teach me which planes were what- I remember when 747s were new !! You look great- not obvious that you'd been crying.
Thank you for sharing this! I am 25 this year, grew up being omnivore eating everything, but I got ED 5 years ago due to eczema and stomach issues from lactose and spicy food… and some more food intolerances that led me to vomiting and nausea… I decided to cut out meat and avoided dairy 3 years ago for health reasons, but since I got into yoga and more ethical topics, I decided to become pescatarian soon, and recently turned ovo vegetarian, I understand I am still underweight and malnourished, with missing period now, I want to stick to being ovo vegetarian because I feel terrible if I had to eat meat, but the dietitian advised me really to eat some animal so I can gain weight quickly, and believed I don’t eat meat or fish now because of ED…. hope you can give some advice, thank u so much and have a great day xx
Hi there! I really like youre videos! They are so so helpfull for me. I was wondering, if you have some tips for me. i really struggle with seeing my legs especially. How to cope with fixating on one bodypart especially. Thank you already!❤
Thanks for sharing your journey. Im also strugling with disordered eating and most of the time an ED too for over an decade... Its hard and sometimes I wonder if there ever comes an end to it... Anyway, (*the following question might be triggering for some*, feel free to skip ) Do you also have that you miss your old sick body? I just watched videos back from my body when i was much much skinnier, not sure how sick i was back then still but pretty sure that its so much lighter and leaner then now. I feel often very very bad about this. Idk what to do, and just wondering if anyone else feels like this too? 😢
This is absolutely common! I will make a video about this very topic soon, it’s very important! Thank you for sharing your experience, but it’s nothing to feel ashamed about! I missed my sick body way longer than I thought I would, but there comes a point of change, I promise!
Heeey Beautiful lady!! I hope you enjoyed your boxing class ! I'm so delayed to comment ! So I'll wish you a great Thursday, Probably your rest day! Enjoy , can't wait for a new video!
I loved this message ! I think there is a purpose behind all of our suffering. Pain always serves in our best interest. IN the grand scheme of things. I have a very spiritual out look on life. I can imagine for person who isn't spiritual it can be much harder to be thankful for pain. I just wanted to pop on here to let you know that .....I start FULL recovery over the weekend and yes , it's all thanks to you. I just want what you want, I want peace and a life without fear. Thanks for remindeing me of what is possible !I really appreciate you. You know , you said in a short not too long ago , that if your content could only help one person , you would be happy . So there you go , not too say mission complete , there are many more that is really going to need this message ..again and again , relapse through relapse ,...till it sticks . So thanks Malin , you came at the perfect time. <3
I agree! I’m always careful to say that, because not every trauma itself should be seen as that, but I think that a lot of our suffering will teach us important lessons nobody can take away from us. When I’m telling you, I teared up in the car because your comment touched me so much, this is not an exaggeration. You’re amazing and so brave to decide to go this route! I promise you, it will be SO worth it!!!
I got to the point of being as close to pleased with myself as I could be for getting to the kitchen multiple times a day to find food. I still hate/hated eating it, but I was doing it. Then another medical issue came up, and I had to completely change what proteins I could have, and the amounts of those, when I already had protein limits for another chronic disease. I went way backwards. It's taken a year to be able to get enough in to 'count', and being in a larger body, the weight gain from restricting more again has been hell. I know my memory is better. My physical strength is still lousy... going to one appt a week means 3-4 days of my time for that 30 minute appointment. One to get ready, the day of, and then 1-2 days to recover... Today is a 'get ready' day, and I'm already exhausted. It's hard to remember the days when I worked 12 hour shifts as the only RN on a 27 bed surgical floor (mostly orthopedic) with 3 LVNs and one nursing assistant if things were really busy. Most nights were non-stop on my feet. Now, 30 minutes up, and my heart rate is bonkers.
It is so hard to witness the change in your strength and energy. I would even say it is one of the most challenging things to deal with. I think creating a system that works for you (as preparing for appointments and taking time for recovering) can be very helpful but also very hard to cope with, because it shows you how things have changed. Thank you for sharing your experience! ✨
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That's exactly what I told my therapist- "If I could change one thing, I wouldn't have gone on that diet, when I worked at camp the summer when I was 17", back in 1981. I was already restricting, but went nuts. But, looking back, had I not been hospitalized at a psych hospital in 1982 (pretty much all that was available then), I never would have gone into nursing- one of the nursing students asked if she could braid my very long hair- and being treated as an individual made me want to go into a job that involved being kind to people, and I loved the 20 years I was able to work, of the 35 yrs I had my license. I met some incredible people during the time I worked in Texas (17 yrs before returning to my hometown), and getting away from the toxic food environment at home was definitely good, even though I went through various medical and outpatient eating disorder clinics. I relapsed severely in 1995, and was sent to a hospital in Port Hueneme (place is closed now), and it wasn't helpful at all. I got through it on my own when I returned home, but never got to the root of any of it. Then, I saw Peggy Claude-Pierre on 20/20, and she was the first person I saw who truly "gets it". I'm fortunate that she is now my therapist, and I have a great dietician here in town- that was Peggy's requirement, that I be seen in person by someone here, so she knew how my body was doing, as well as getting help with the multiple medical issues with nutritional implications and restrictions. My body has been very damaged by the years of restricting (even when not overtly doing so- I never learned to eat normally in a disordered family when it came to food). Osteopenia, teeth falling out, diabetes, neuropathy, dysautonomia, chronic kidney disease, gout, muscle wasting, etc. I also smoked to avoid food, and ended up with a very severe type of leukemia (APL), and needed arsenic x 50 doses (among other kinds of chemo daily for 20 months); the arms of 2 chromosomes switched places- that's what causes the disease, but smoking is a risk factor, and i was also nutritionally messed up. The average lifespan from onset to death without treatment is 30 days... had I not gotten my annual lab work done, I would have died. I know of 2 people who did die from the same thing- one was 11 and the other was a local news anchorwoman. There were no symptoms, so I'm very lucky to have survived; I got to the hospital at about 3 1/2 weeks from the time i found out I was in big trouble. I'm finally back to being able to get food throughout the day, even though I have to know numbers because of medical dietary restrictions. At some point, I hope I can do what I used to (though likely not in person), and reach out to others. I used to speak to high school health classes in the mid-80s, as well as making a video of my talk to the county health department nurses. I never thought I'd fall back into this at my age- but it came back stronger and faster than ever. I'd been trying to lose some needed weight for my knees, spine, and hips (degenerative joint and disc disease), and within 2 weeks, I was in big trouble. My kidney function fell to its lowest point ever, and dialysis was only about %7 away from where I'd been. I am now relatively stable at %37 kidney function, but that is 22% away from dialysis- and I'm increasing NG fluids to help with that, since I had gotten to %44 about 6 months ago- then got nuts about water weight. It took a while to get past the water weight showing up on the scale, but I'm not supposed to get on the scale any longer- Peggy is in charge of my weight... so my head can't yell at me as badly about that number. She has given me instructions (along with my dietician) about what to eat, so if she says it's OK, my head settles down a bit- though there are still some numbers that freak me out as I slowly get my caloric intake up while dealing with weight gain in a larger body, for the purpose of resetting my metabolism, as well as getting nutritionally sorted out. I was in Germany in 1978, as a young teenager. I remember driving down the road next to the Rhine River, and seeing so many beautiful sights. Dad loved the Autobahn. I was the navigator with the map, so I liked it as well, since it meant I didn't have to worry about the next instructions for a while ! That was also back when there were razor wire and tanks on the east German side... intimidating. But Germany is so beautiful. In Köln, my dad and I had to walk several blocks away from the cathedral to get it all in the photos- the spires are so high ! We went to several other cities as well. In Rothenburg ob der Tauber, we stayed with Hanns and Gloria Teichert, and the art in that house (that had been a prison at one time) was mind-boggling. I have many wonderful memories of being in Germany. 🥰
HEheh , You are really cute when you are get angry! I just love your accent ! But it's really not cute what happened to you! I'm so happy to hear you made it through that ..and stood up for yourself. Agh that's just horrible. This video ties right into the "Ugly" video you posted recently. So many people go through this ! With these cases , doctors really does more harm than good ! I trust you will next time find the right doctor. I truly think that once you have done the reural rewiring . Situations like these are like tests. And you got 100% on this one ! Dealt well with it ! <3
Me too...45 years old stuck in quasi recovery by years because normal bmi 20 but hipotalamic amenorrea and hipotiroidism, gaining weight but exercise everyday and eating max 1800/2000 cal day no Hunger cues and no craving food so i count.... anyway thank you sooo much for this wise words ❤️
I so agree with you. I hate the numbers. Because of diabetes, kidney disease, and gout, I have to know numbers I don't want to know to avoid dialysis (or death -I won't do dialysis). I either have to deal with protein, carbs, or purines (for gout), as well as fluid intake to be sure I'm getting minimums, not exceeding maximums, etc. It's exhausting, BORING, and after decades, I'm so over it- and at the same time, if I don't keep up with those, I'm toast. My ED therapist and dietician are great with helping me with things that I don't have to be as concerned about (cream cheese is one of the safer foods, and I'm encouraged to consume nuts and nut butters in amounts I'd never consider without "permission", which has been a scary process).
Do you think it is ever too late to recover completely from a restrictive eating disorder? I am a 67 year old woman who has struggled since I was 16 years old. I have had times when it seems to subside and not be the center of my life, then I relapse and lose a ton of wt and it triggers that awful cycle again! It can be very discouraging and sometimes feels quite hopeless! Thank you for what you are doing. You have given me a sense of optimism and encouragment! Congrats on reaching 100 followers! I know uour channel will keep growing! I am also looking forward to the English wersion of your book! Keep up the great work! Hugs and blessings!❤
Thank you so much 🥹🥹 you guys make me very emotional in the best way possible 🙏🏼 No, I don’t think it is ever too late. I am 100% sure that everyone can recover. You struggled with restriction for a very long time, so your brain and your nervous system got used to it. That’s why it can feel so wrong to change habits, but the good news is, that you can re-teach your nervous system and rewire your brain! It might need some time and a lot of consistency, which are the most challenging parts. But I truly believe that it is never too late!
Just tossing in my 2 cents... I'm 60, and in therapy again (first hospitalized at 17). It's never too late. My therapist has worked with women in their 70s. And they get well- not just remission, but well. I've been in the same cycle as you have. It's HARD when it's been in our brains for that long, but one of the things that has been helpful (and terrifying) is not getting on the scale.
We got you girl! 🎉❤ 100 is a lot! Imagine having to talk infront on a 100 people in person! Then it will sink in some more...or feel like a lot! Let goooo hehee! Excited to be here when you reach 200! ❤❤❤
Gooood Morning Lovelies ! Thank You so much for responding to my comment ! hahah , It got me super excited ! Yay. Thanks for just reassuing me. I also feel as though beauty is subjective , and true beauty is freedom, Bravery, courage. Yes sure we could go on for hours about what beauty really is. Since we are on the topic. I think you are extremely beautiful Malin are on the outside though. . Your eyes are so stunning and your hair and just you in total. And yes , it's defintiely not just your outer looks. It's always bizarre to know to hear other people perception of attractiveness. It's all just brainwashing at the end of the day I think. We are raised in a society that only focuses on one form of beauty, and we all know why. You are so right about Quasi,..Othorexia to be exact. It's the worst of the worst...haha , I feel like it's the final End Boss that I need to finish to complete the game. But I still choose to be stuck here . Your videos help me so much ,ATM I am saturating my brain with your vidoes and other videos alike, in order to prepare for starting again. I am healthyish! At my worst when I was Bulimic I was diagnosed with "skinny PCOS" .I had all the symptoms of PCOS , but I was at a low / normal weight according to the BMI ( Bullshit Mass illusion) ..I was too low for my set point. So I lost my hair and period, hormones out of whack and I could literally see the ovarian cycsts on the sonar scan. ....When I was in recovery for 1 year almost..or it was quite a few years where I gradually became better physcially , up in weight also ,...I went back for a check up , Everything was perfect , no symptoms at all , I saw clear ovaries . I was so proud . But yeah . I struggle with the mental side of everything. I've been eating only meat , veggies and fruit for a couple of months. Most people would consider this healthy and think I am super heallthy....But I am not , I feel ...not in authentice , I feel like I live in fear and I am not free. I look free , but I am dying inside. It's been 15 years of not knowing how to eat ...I want to tell people "I WANT TO START RECOVERY AGAIN" ..but I am ashamed , they no longer care , my close people , they no longer care what I eat or do , I've relapse so many times and have never been in true recovery , that ..I don't blame them , They all have their own issues. This is the hard part,. But thanks for giving me a space to vent ! Here is a the trigger that made me go back to my ED , when I was healed physically but not mentally and which ultimatelty triggered me to going back 180degrees., - 1. Me minding my business in the shopping Mall , I was picking out Crisp's (Ships) and stood with the packet in my hands. Down the isle an older man comes by and mumbles something in a polite manner I didn't quite at first understand what he said , but I heard "hips", but he looked cheerful, so I kind of made way for him and smiled. So I turned to my boyfriend asking what did he say. My boyfriend just looked quite neverminded and said "the man said you should 'Watch your hips'". Immediatly I felt like I had a heart attack. I started to shake and have almost like tunnel vision, I kid you not. and just I couldn't even shop after that, I was so angry...and just shocked. I don't know , I just really thought ...I don't even know , it was just as if someone stabbed me. And I was a little hurt that my boyfriend didn't say something to defend me , he knows exactly how sensitive I am. The ironic part is , I have no hips or butt. I gain wight all over , the same as yoursef, I actually wish I could gain weight in my hips. I just ..I hate it when people go out of their way to push their opinion on you. I realised then and there...Poeple WILL joke or insult you in person ...and you have to prepare ..I mean ..It will take time for your body to not have that severe reaction like I did in the shop. I though that "trolling" happened only online and that in "real " life people won't commment or think bad things. But that moment It changed me. To know that when you are out in public ,,..this can happen en you need to seriously do the mental rewiring and just face the comments ...Stand up for yourself. Let it go. Have compassion for those people who make the comments . They are trapped in their negative and very low vibrational state. Be prepared for this. Use it as tools. Ask yourself, Why did that hurt so much ; If comments like that still hurt...sure , your human , but at the other end . It could be an indication that you aren't healed yet...or there is work still left to do. -2. So one of my best friends, or well people who I confide in..He has a lot of mental issues and deals with addiction also. We have been trauma bonding for about 5 years . We come together and vent and ..yeah share negative views of the world..but also talk alot about self improvement. I try and help him with his Alcholism , I was an alcoholic myself. I use to drink to be able to binge. Let me know if you ever want to know how AWFUL DRUNKOREXIA IS . that is the most toxic of all ..haha ..don't mind the pun. He has even encouraged my recovery. Just be yourself he always says. So one day..he just randomly messaged me and went off on me. "You are so fat , omg. You need to lose weight,. You are build like a barrel . Like seriously , DIET......that is the just of it...he said some other things too. The moment I read it....Straight away ..my body went into shock again , and like tunnel vision and just ....this time Heartbroken. . That really killed me , the recovering me ...For him to do that ...without any warrant. I only help and want to better him. And then to come and stab me to death...without a care. I blocked and deleted everythign i know about him. And from that moment, I;ve been spiralling out fo control. I was done cryign over it .....I wanted action.,.and that is what you mentioned at 7:55. I was going to use that pain from the comment as motivation and like I WILL PROVE TO HIM I CAN BE SKINNY if i want. I know how ...SO yeah . here I am now. I have already unblocked him after some really deep thinking. Turns out...he was the one who felt bad about himself when he made that horrible comments. Actually he gained weight and was frustrated and angry with himself...and then he projected those feelings on my , and wanted to make me hurt , just as him. I have compassion for that , and for those people. So i have forgiven him. He will never admit it though. But to bring awareness to people with eating disorders. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL WANT TO HURT YOU , because they are hurting , they face fat phobia , they have build that jail for themselves and they don't want to be alone in there, they constantly try to suck you into their mental jails in their mind. Be aware that most people project and when those comments come...always keep this in mind and look deeper...maybe you would even offer this person or people help,,. I could talk for days on this topic. I basically just wanted to say , Your videos are awesome and helping ! <3 I don't ever want to hear you say that you don't feel confident inyour beauty always. Let's not...lets try even harder to love ourselves harder. I think You deserve to feel beautiful All the time , Cause that is what we are , We are litral beautiful , immortal light beings trapped in a temporary body , in order to understand ourselves better. You are LOVE I want to attempt full recovery soon. I will , It's about that time again ! Have a lovely day!
I think what I meant with my comment you mentioned in the video was , You are "conventionally" pretty or well beautiful according to social standards. I know beauty is different all over , but from a very masculine side , you would be considered attractive . And men would probably be attracted to you even if you had to gain 20 more pounds. It's your eyes and beautiful hair and just those things which MOST people would consider pretty. ..My ED tells me , agh but that so easier to recover since the external judgment will be less harsh...and yeah , that whole concept gives me brainwarms , and I struggle to accept some things surrounding that topic. ..but yeah , Those are definitely ED thoughts , Thanks for just saying that again. It's important
If that person is watching this, and reading comments - I'm in a larger body, and completely understand how you feel. But when I look at OTHER people, I see their spirit- and how they interact with others, no matter what they look like or how much they weigh. I dated a guy who was pretty big- and he was a sweet, dear man. Other people probably don't really care what we look like; those who bully others aren't worth the relationship, and their "opinions" say more about them than the person they are bullying. Cruelty from anyone is never OK; we're already cruel enough to ourselves. 💜 I also don't like how I look, but other people are generally working on their own stuff and don't bother much with what other people look like, and if they're truly friends, they see our spirit as well. If they're not friends, their opinion means nothing to me. 😍 I don't believe there are ugly people on the outside... I think there are some people who have ugliness inside and don't treat people who have unique features as the individuals that they are- and that is sad, and says more about them. Malin- one of the things that caught my eye when I first saw your video thumbnail on my screen was your eyes- they remind me of someone I've known since she was born, and she now has a newborn granddaughter! (I used to babysit this woman !! Where does time go?). She, and her entire family have been family friends for decades, and the positive association was instant. Your eyes are very much like hers, and gorgeous- and I also see someone who is sincere, and genuine. I was drawn to your video because of your eyes- and I've stuck around because you are doing such an amazing job with these videos, and are beautiful inside and out- I don't say that often about many people. You're very good at explaining things in a way that is intelligent, but also doesn't overload a mind that isn't working at full power because of restricting food. That is very helpful. Thank you.
I completely agree with you! You mentioned something extremely important. When I look at my loved ones or even at people I just met, I often see a lot of spirit, drive, intelligence, love and more. These are the things that make a person truly beautiful. When I recovered, people told me that they finally see ME again, that I’m not a numb body anymore but a person full of emotions. Your comment touched me so much, it nearly made me cry. I can’t tell you often enough how much it means to me, that you and others are taking their precious time to watch my videos, but your words touched me on a deeper level. Thank you so much for your kindness, I can tell by the way you write what a wonderful human being you are!
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I think the interview with your boyfriend would be super interesting! Go ahead! Him being a fitness trainer. I've always thought of them to be so judgemental of woman. Especially about our weight. Haha reminds me that i am judging when make this statement. I think my boyfriend honestly think my eating has become a joke. Because i have relapse so much in the past...must be hard for him to keep supporting me when the next week I might just choose to cut back to old habbits. . Being in a relationship with a person with ED must really tough and confusing. Lately i just keep all ED related talk to myself...for now. . Your boyfriend sounds awesome. Happy for you guys!❤
He is amazing and by far the best that could have happened to me ❤️ And I know exactly what you’re talking about, that was subconsciously a thought I had for many years, until I learned that most people, especially trainers, are actually the opposite. Of course there are always people who judge in every profession, but I got to meet a lot of amazing, non-toxic people. For me, it was also very important to learn, that many people don’t just work out because of their looks, but rather because they enjoy moving their bodies. That mindset shift helped me to finally get to a point of joy when working out and to cut the line between food and sports - I learned that I don’t have to change the way I eat just because I’m working out. Lastly, to respond to the situation with your boyfriend: I honestly believe that honest communication is key. When I look back on my eating disorder years, I feel a lot of guilt and shame because of the way I made my family and friends feel. But everyone I opened up and was vulnerable, it was easier for them to understand me and it always strengthened our relation. I think it is Important for both of you to set and respect boundaries, but also to talk openly about fears, concerns and emotions ✨
@@HealwithMalin OMG I just wrote a loooong comment and hit sent and then realised my wifi was off and then it refreshed and comment was aborted... NOOOO...Damnit. I sat here 30 mins to type., Basically I just wanted to say " wow , boxing sounds fun. But also exausting! I love dancing again , but in a bigger body it just doesn't feel great to be honest, I always look at heavier dancers with such respect . But it's also very triggering , when you just aren't as agile and just light ..easy to move. I bought a scooter though , an old school one you have to put some leg into it. It's so much fun. I think that is definitely the key , To find something that doesn't even feel like a workout. thanks so much for your response though ... I have a questions...or sooo many , but let's start with one . Did you have extreme binges in the begining of recovery infront of him. How did you guys navigate through the fact that you probably ate more than him for a while. I don't know if you have talked about your extreme hunger in a video before , probably in your book . But yeah , did you feel ashamed or embarrarest or held back in front of him? <3 Thanks so much ...
The interview with your boyfriend sounds interesting ! It'd be nice to hear another viewpoint from 'the outside', seeing if someone is going down an unhealthy path.
For me it was the opposite: I ate vegan for more than 15 years but I for recovery I went to eat everything again, my body needs it like that. I am a nutritionist who always takes care to get all what my body needs.❤
Thank you for another amazing video. I also like that the videos are long enough that I can follow along; attention span is still an issue. (and this got way longer than I meant to) This is something I have struggled with for decades- even when I've been at my sickest, because I never was "underweight" (though at my lowest adult weight, my ribs were visible; I have been 165 pounds heavier than that as well- likely because of restricting since age 6). My oncologist threatened to send me to a bariatric surgeon after gaining weight on the second bunch of chemo drugs for APL leukemia; I told him I had a history of eating disorders, and he made it about him "saving me". I'm SO thankful that my current therapist and dietician 'get it' VERY well. The doctors here are not great with anybody with "heavy" numbers on the stupid BMI chart. I had one doctor (who never made eye contact, or examined me at all) use a 'get away' motion with her hand as she said "Don't do that not eating thing anymore" as she was walking out of the office... I had an NG in, and that didn't even cause her to ask why. I'd slipped backwards a lot over the last 8 months, and recently gained back weight I didn't need to gain, because of not enough protein and calories. I'm doing better now, and am losing more by eating more, and getting the protein in (scares me because of kidney disease and gout). I'm lucky that I can order my own labs at a free-standing lab, that doesn't have anything to do with my MDs. It's still hard to wrap my head around eating more when I was paid to lose weight by my mom as a 6-7 year old kid, and wasn't anywhere near 'fat'. Because of not knowing that my whole life had been restricted eating (first my parents, then the 'official' diagnosis of anorexia at age 17- which was 43 years ago), I thought it was all my fault. I knew I didn't like my parents' way of dealing with food, but I was the one being told I was too fat... when I wasn't. I'm literally having to learn how to eat for the first time at 60 years old. My body isn't used to it, so I'm generally fairly uncomfortable. The 'heat surges' are also rough- though I'm guessing it's some kind of adjustment to eating more. I went through menopause and got off fairly easily... maybe from not eating enough. I'm learning now that the under-eating was the cause of the 'hibernation' reaction that my body is designed for, and had basically been keeping me alive for 54 years of restriction. Did I have times in there when I did overeat (holidays, birthdays- so kinda normal)? Yup. But when I was in the hospital for leukemia, I lost too fast, and for the first time in my life, even though I was overweight on the charts, the dietician wanted me to eat more. She literally gave me every menu in the hospital from pediatrics (I ate baby food fruit for about a week) to the doctors' dining room (they ate well !). I was losing weight too fast with the first chemo drugs (the inside of my digestive tract from mouth to arse was ''burned'' from the chemo). She asked me what I ate, and it boiled down to one average low-fat meal spread throughout the day. I'd eaten like that for decades. To me it was normal. My mom never talked to me as much as when I wanted to go on a diet- and she'd pay for any diet foods. For the 'non-diet' meals, my parents and I shared one 15 oz can of mini ravioli (gross on its own, but that was what was there- eat it, or don't eat). I started riding my bike to the store with babysitting money at age 11-12 (and through high school and nursing school; I still lived at home) to get food to hide in my desk... I didn't want junk, and often got fruit roll-ups (back when they weren't all sugar and artificial stuff), crackers, etc... stuff with some energy in it. Even as a RN x 35 years (worked 20 of them before my body gave out, then was the go-to for my family when they needed medical 'translations'), I could see that other people needed to eat 'normally', but I wasn't good enough for that. I still struggle with even feeling like I deserve a name, because I've felt like an 'it', or property, for so long (even though I've been out of the house for nearly 40 years, and my parents are dead). I don't blame my parents- one didn't have much to learn from, and the other had a parent who was hospitalized for TB for the first 2 years of life, so had to reattach when she was well; the care provided while she was sick was with good family friends- but not his mom, and his dad was working his butt off as an immigrant, to create his American dream. I'm thankful that the therapist I have now (international, but it's working well via WhatsApp), who deals with all of the trauma (much more later in life as well), and gets it put in perspective. I can tell her anything about my past and current life, and there's no judgement at all. She and my dietician are both on the same page, even without knowing each other. They're consistent, and see something in me that I can't. This is my last shot at this, because US treatment options (for a lot of things) aren't designed to heal, because healthy citizens don't generate more revenue. But I couldn't ask for anyone better; I'd known of her since the late 90s, and while I've been fairly hopeless in the last months, I'm seeing a bit of light at the end of the road.
Thank you so much for taking the time to watch and to share your story here! I am once again shocked what you had to go through! So many phases, complications, so much trauma. You can be incredibly proud of yourself for not giving up!!!
You are so beautiful thougggggh! I think that definitely helps when you are in the process of gaining weight. It's like not all is lost. Not to come across as vain . But yeah :/ just a thought that came straight from my ED. <3
Thank you very much! But don’t forget that beauty is very subjective. I don’t feel pretty most of the times and full transparency: When I film I do my make up, I make sure to sit in a good lighting etc. I had the exact same feelings especially during recovery, I told myself that if I was taller or prettier, recovery would be easier. As you pointed out already: This is clearly an ED thought. I always say: Things scream when they are dying, so you’re ED is looking for reasons why YOU can’t recover, why it’s different for you than it is for other ones. Your warm hearted comments show me, what a beautiful human being you are, please don’t listen to your ED!
@@HealwithMalin agh it's horrible to hear how screwed up our ED brains are. I'm sorry you have ever felt that way. But yeah so relatable how you mention the height also. I'm also short. I've been trying to recover for years. 2 years ago i finally attempted full All-in recovery again..and i managed to quasi recover for about a year. I did gain a lot of weight ..but still restricted. Till the comments became unbearable and i started relapsing in total. So here i am again. Normal weight and struggling to keep it up. That is the thing i struggle with the most...the fear of how people view me when i am in a large body. Fear of comments being made. We can't keep people from being cruel, the only way is to take it ..not attach to it ..or let it impact you. It's hard. My face and chin pisses me off the most. I think it's genetically just fatter ..i have no idea..i have never been in real recovery. Or given it long enough.. Anyways .i don't mean to be negative..i would like to end this comment on a positive note. Your channel came at a good time and i appreciate all your free content. It really helps and gives me hope. I will start recovery again soon. I just need to prepare mentally x(. You are so inspirational. I don't know if you have already checked out Jessie Riemanns channel but i think you would like to hear about her journey to full recovery and in my opinion...Recovery succes 😀. Anyways. Keep posting! 🎉 And congrats on your book. Wish it was availability in my country.
@@nagmerrie4600 again, thank you so much for your comment! I will actually answer with a video later, if that’s okay. As to the book: It should be available in most countries on Amazon, but just in German for now. The English version will be available soon! 🙏🏼❤️
I was kind of forced into vegetarianism because of gout and intolerance to medications that help it, though I do like meat and seafood- and to get protein volume wise, I have had to use some meat options now and then. I do like the vegetarian food (much easier to prepare, as well), and not worrying about the quality of the animal proteins (though I do have a good place to source humanely raised proteins). For now, the biggest issue is volume, and vegetarian options fill me up so much, so nuts and olives have become 'supplements' of sorts. Side note- I love your cat tree, and I don't even have a cat !
Hii!! Off topic buttt..... I need help or advice! I'm a month into recovery and my body is so triggering to me. I'm actively gaining but i feel like i need to eat more because the intake right now is making me hungry. Idk I'm so hungry and i just want to hide my body in loose clothes but at the same time, hiding my body makes me think it is something wrong, something to hide. What would you advise me??
Hey there! First of all: What you’re going through right now is something the majority of ppl in recovery experience. I know how much it sucks, but you’re not alone and this feeling will not stay forever! Your brain has a lot of neural rewiring to do and you will eventually feel way better in your body, no matter how much it changes. I also think it’s more than fine to wear wide, comfy clothes for now. You don’t have to do everything at once and for now try to focus on being gentle with yourself. Buying new clothes, finding your style again and trying out new fits may come later, whenever it feels right. Maybe the following videos help you as well: The first summer in recovery - how I survived it. Tips&Tricks ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-4gDyKHlacrc.html I wish I knew that before I started Eating Disorder Recovery ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-N3D-FkKc8wg.html Don't make these 5 mistakes in eating disorder recovery! ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-hYW75Y-DPtY.html 2 Years into eating disorder recovery - overshoot weight, extreme hunger, relationship update ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-0ZgBv1pxcms.html I am so proud of you for choosing recovery! It will be so worth it!
I am in that situation as well... but in a bigger body. I've found that the loose clothing helps me a lot- if my clothes 'touch' me, it's so much worse. Malin is right- it's a process. I'm 60, and am learning how to eat for the first time in my life- and it's hard. Whatever helps make it easier that is going to get all of us to the point of being healthy is fair game in my book 🙂
@@tatteredquilt well done! I can just image how hard it must be to recover after literal decades. You owe this to yourself. I actually struggle with relearning to eat myself. My childhood is a blur and i don't remember ever eating "normal"..or whatever that would even look like. Good luck..i wish you all the healing ! ❤️
Have you done a complete Eating Disorder story , maybe about talking about how your eating disorder started and a little more back ground. Ofcourse , would completely understand if that would be too personal , but It would just be super interesting. Thanks ! <3
