Girl, YES 🎉🎉🎉 it’s so overrated.

I loved this. I feel like so much of wedding is "because your supposed to" and that saying is what has drove me mad during most weddings I've been closely involved with. My sister wanted a slightly alternative wedding reception, she didn't have a sit down dinner but just a large variety of apps and snack style menu, but still felt super scared and judged for doing so which stressed her out and made the experience so unenjoyable for her. I don't want that for myself.

I loathe big weddings, as both a guest and the idea of having one for myself. You never get to spend time with the couple, half the time single guests aren't given a plus one and don't know most of the couple's various friend groups from throughout their lives, the waste of a giant party, the upcharging by venues, the need to take a thousand photographs that you probably won't look at again, the people you get stuck inviting because it's family or friend drama if you don't...the finances are a huge part too, but even if I could afford all that I simple would not put myself or my loved ones through it. Sounds like a giant migraine. I've also very intentionally turned down multiple Bachelorette party invites these last few years (because now they extend past the bridal party to other friends) simply because they were multi day trips and I didn't have the time or money to do those and the actual wedding weekend or even the desire to.

Interesting to hear your thoughts on this - I also find it eye-watering to see how expensive some weddings and hen-dos are these days. But important to say some - maybe it's just the circles I move in but most of my friends have had quite budget weddings - they've still been wonderful, meaningful days, but having the reception in a church hall instead of a fancy hotel, and going for afternoon tea for the hen do instead of going to Greece etc all adds up to make a big difference.

This is PERFECT timing for me 😂 my bestie is getting married next week and I just got back from 4 nights in Morocco for the hen do. Not only was a bridesmaid's passport stolen on day 1 😀 but the Bride went home on day 2. Yes the rest of us stayed. Honestly the societal pressure to do your BEST as MoH is doing me in, no fault of the Bride but fr we need to change these expectations.

For my best friend we did a Mama Mia themed pizza, movie, coloring book, and s’mores night at someone’s house. We also did breakfast and nails earlier in the day and then had a break for everyone to get what they needed done

this is so helpful! I love how in depth your thought process is and how much you care about stuff - it really comes across in the way you create your content. It's just really fulfilling content to consume - both artistically, and practically. Love hearing your thought process on all of this <3 Keep doing what you're doing!!!

For Milllennials I blame TLC show ''Four Weddings'' where people were rating each other wedding i'm sure a lot of people didn't ''knew'' a lot of thing were ''tacky'' if they didnt watch that show. I got married in 2008 and it was a biggish affaire 100 guests but there was no supper, we had a wine and cheese and then if people wanted more alcool they needed to pay for it (but at really small cost our goal wasnt to make money selling alcool) we had a late Pizza buffet at midnight. I only had my sisters kids as page and flower girl ... I just think having like 10 bridesmaids is so ludicris! Didnt rent any limousine or town cars just ask my uncle to drive us around in his ''nice'' car and he was so proud! I feel people are more entitle then back in the day (social media). I do think if you want a big wedding you should front the bill and not expect ''help''. if because of family pressure you ''need'' to throught a big wedding then the family need to help you financialy ''aka overbearing parents'' if there is family drama because you want to go a friday afternoon to the Townhall to get wed then they need to help the grooms and bride to front the bill. .... as you are not throwing the wedding of your dream but your parents wedding. And I know in some culture and income brackets that's is the case. Final thought didnt need to borrow money for my wedding, nor my parents (they only fronted the money for the alcool purchased as a gift but recovered all they money with the sell) and to this day my friend say it was the most fun wedding they attend! :)

I couldn’t agree more with most of your points!

Something maybe to mention is that there were traditions for women prior to this it might have just happened in the home. In Ireland at least, hen parties were celebrated with all of the women in your community. They would gather in the bride to be’s parents home and neighbours, friends and family would come and usually everyone had some talent to share, sing or dance for the bride. At least this is what I’ve heard from my mam and granny.

if i marry, i honestly plan to spend as little as possible for my wedding. i will get married in my back garden or my friends field, in a dress i’ve owned for years (or made myself). ill cook dinner for my family and we’ll eat it at the kitchen table or on the sofa, and we’ll watch a film. might get one bouquet from my favourite florist and dry it to keep. big wedding culture realllllyyyy gives me the ick

Also where is your lovely top from please?

I AGREE I AGREE I AGREE. I got married in June, town hall and then had a party at the pub with our family/friends, it was the best day ever because it was cheap and relaxed allowing us to focus on the point of the day. I have my Grandmother's engagement ring which is about as unfashionable as it gets, but it's an absolute dream to me. Like you I was raised on non-traditional weddings, and I've always despised wedding culture. However, as a 28 year old on social media, it was difficult to ignore the 'expectations' of society and felt I had to 'justify' my decision not to spend 40K on a wedding...I felt like I was going mad in conversations with friends sometimes. We desperately need to start questioning these traditions and stop blindly following the herd just for an Instragramable photo. Weddings are about love, unity and brining your families together.

Couldn't agree more with all of this--I got married in the park during COVID and we had food delivered and it cost a few hundred dollars and then we all went home. It was great. I do have to say though, I think you're also underestimating how much pressure there is from family for things to look and be a certain way. I did not want a fancy wedding at all, but I experienced and I think a lot of other brides experience a lot of pressure from their families where the intimate wedding they want snowballs into this large event because it's almost more about the parents and the family than the bride and groom.

I recently got married and I definitely felt the pressure to spend money I didn’t have. Me and my husband decided to elope to Cornwall for four days with our best friends. Our friends each did a reading. I had dried flowers which i still have and last 3 years. My dress was actually a bridesmaid dress and was less than £100. After the wedding ceremony we took our friends out for dinner on us, we then ended up at a pub doing a quiz night. It was relaxed and chilled and stress free. I’m someone that doesn’t usually feel pressured into doing things but getting married was the closest financially I’ve been to being put under pressure and we scaled back by so much. In total, for the venue and hotel and meals and dress and suits, we probably did our wedding under 5k. My engagement ring was a secondhand ring that was an antique, and our wedding rings were both plain gold. My husbands was made out of his grandparents rings, and mine is a simple band. The most expensive items were our photographer and videographer.

Hi 👋 and 🎉

Thanks

Lab grown diamonds all the way!

I am at the start of the video only, but as with all my furs, my one diamond and all the future will be only vintage! We are also searching for vintage wedding bands. This is no brainer for us :)

I agree with almost everything except for the "unpaid" labor part. If you're close enough with someone to be their maid of honor, you should be able to express stress/inability to take on things, etc. Friendships/relationships are not transactional in my opinion, and if my best friend asked me to do something I couldn't do, I would just tell her

As a late-identified queer I feel relief that I'm never going to be expected to do the whole "bride in white is centre of attention" thing. But it's my political disabled self who feels the most rage re: destination weddings and the other palaver you insightfully critique here. I'm tired of seeing my fellow single disabled folks worried about the cost of train tickets and hotels just to go down to London to attend an ordinary hen night and then support a friend on her big day, let alone go on one of those "yay girlies, the hen do's in Amsterdam!!!" £££-fests. It's humiliating enough for us to constantly have to remind abled friends that disability benefits, or the shit wages for whatever limited part-time work we're managing to do, don't always stretch to paying our bills or nights out, never mind propping up the wedding industrial complex. And that's before we even get into the challenges of attending that are directly related to our disabilities. You always worry that it'll be seen as a snub if you can't go and just send a card/gift. Speaking of... The other frustrating thing is wedding gift lists: with so many people living together before marriage, and marrying later, most of us have all the household bits and bobs we need, and I would gently suggest that every day of the week there's people leaving domestic abuse situations, or arriving here as refugees, who are in more need of kettles and toasters than the average middle-class, dual-income couple.

Weddings have gone fucking insane. Over the next few years my husband and I will spend thousands attending weddings, destination weddings, elaborate hen and stag parties etc. Like in replace of our own holiday for that year. Puts your friends in such an awkward predicament financially as you feel guilty and that you have to go! We got married in 2020 after 7 years together it cost us around £3000 we had dominoes pizza, donuts and beers and the whole thing was very informal. To this date I am so glad I never got into debt for it, a marriage shouldn’t start with a huge debt but I have financial anxiety so who knows 🤣 let’s normalise small cheaper weddings and then big honeymoons we spent over three times our wedding cost on a 16 day tour of Italy together and it was epic xx

hi hun, you can move that plug socket and its a small job, thats an external jack socket so its a case of taking it off a wall and moving it and repainting

100% agree about planning hen parties. I was bridesmaid to a dear friend while a student and living off savings, the maid of honour didn't bother to plan the hen party so it fell to me while at the height of an incredibly stressful postgrad. It ended up costing me personally so much money, the party was fine but I know not exactly what she had wanted which felt a huge responsibility, and I just ended up feeling resentful. I'm recently engaged now and I'm not having a bridal party - I'll still have my gals with me but I'm not asking anything of them apart from getting to the day and having a nice time. I hate the idea of buying people a dress they don't really want which they'll never wear again too - hello climate emergency? Wear something you have which you'd love to wear again or rent a dress or whatever, or come as you are, I just want to have my loved ones around

I’m 13 and I was addicted since 8

I've been watching you for soo many years and this has been one of my favourite videos of yours. Consider making more of the same casual, chatty type of content :) Also looove those glasses on you!

Lucky girl.❤

Things I did when getting married that weren’t “traditional” *My partner got me a vintage opal ring as an engagement ring (apparently opals are deemed the worst stone for an engagement ring but I do not caaaaaare!) * Hen do was staying in an air bnb, making pizzas, doing karaoke in the garden, having our own taskmaster tournament and just hanging out * Didn’t wear a “wedding dress” at my wedding *Got officially married in a 2x2 registry office, but had a party at a village hall and had a symbolic ceremony with a celebrant in the garden *Made a Spotify playlist instead of band or dj *Had buffet food in the day and pizza truck in the evening which saved loads. *Didn’t have wedding favours *Flowers came from a seasonal and sustainable flower farm and we bought buckets of stems and made our own table vases. *Didn’t try to have a “wedding body” *Had a colour palette for bridesmaids but let them wear whatever they wanted *Cake was from M&S *We walked down the aisle together in the symbolic ceremony as I didn’t want to feel like people were just looking at me *My late Grandma’s dog was our ring bearer so she still felt part of our wedding *Made a lot of our decorations and they were mostly paper streamers or cardboard signage so could be recycled *Only invited family and closest friends (people we actually see on a regular basis!) *No open bar *Didn’t have a photographer until the wedding actually started (no getting ready shots) *Spent way way less than the national average!

Thank you so much for speaking about this!! Couldn’t agree more.

I am in my first relationship that is still new and not anywhere near thinking about marriage, but I loved this video format and topic! Anything discussing ways we over consume is interesting to me, especially when it is done out of societal pressures. Lots of food for thought

i feel you could dye the bag navy or brown and it would solve the stain issue ?

In this economy, yup lets hope so.

Yes so my fairly good friend is getting married and having a weekend away. $200 for accomodation, +food + transport + booze + activities. That, plus a whole weekend with people who I don't neccessarily know well, or at all 😅 (and away from my own partner and young daughter). ...I said thankyou but apologies no. Low key convenient that my birthday was on the Monday so I pleaded already having birthday plans 😋

Tbh imo weddings imo are less about the bride and the couple and more all about their family and friends. We were pushed for visa reasons but in hindsight I'm glad i only had 4 months to plan mine cause it just made it a lot more strightfoward, no dilly dallying lol. And we had been together for nearly 10 years so defs no engangment party lol; lovely but low key night at the pub + night over at a mates house for hens. Oh and i bought my ring (emerald, encircled by tiny diamonds) second had off etsy :-) ~50 guests, at a big property air bnb, we did our own food and booze and music and cake and a family friend was the celebrant. Sprung for professional photos and flowers and a pretty nice dress, very happy with all those choices :-) Was March 14th 2020 and amazing at the time but even more so after everything that followed.

this was soooo validating!! i’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding and the combo of cost and gendered expectations has been really bothering me. i don’t make much money at all, and we’re taking an expensive trip + dresses + professional hair and makeup + gifts, etc. i’m also nonbinary, so all of the “girls trip!” “girls night out!” stuff feels icky

LOVE this format, Lucy!!! I've been a big fan of your video essays, and I love this approach as well. So appreciate your research and also willingness to just let er rip.

i’ve never agreed with anything more, no further comments!!!

Great video. One correction is that we don't really have a naturally constrained supply of diamonds; the diamond industry maintains an artificially inflated market to make more money from us :)

In the US at least, I think a big driving factor of vacation-style bachelorette parties is that our closest friends often do not live in the same city and can be spread across the country, making a separate trip the only possibility to have a bachelorette party. I’m definitely in favor of going back to a one-night style party- in the case where your friends are spread out, it could make more sense to plan this a couple days before the wedding so that the wedding party only needs to figure out their accommodations and flights once, rather than planning two expensive trips.

WHERE IS THAT TOP FROMMMM?

So much it comes down to the consumerism and money side. I live in the Midwest US and nearly everyone I know doesn’t have tons of money (we’re mostly educators at various levels) and there are SOOO many ways to do weddings, bachelorettes, etc by just planning them yourselves and keeping things simple. What’s made them meaningful has always been cheaper: themed food at the bachelorette selected by the bride, a playlist for dancing and DJ by the couple, going to a piano bar if we’re getting fancy. I think going to the non-capitalist roots is actual a hack to get a beautiful celebration and a great way to take the pressure off. (My plan is finding a winery in a pretty spot for a bachelorette-that would feel so me!)

I think a lot of money being spent was involved in many traditions as a way for the older generation (the parents and parents' friends) to pass down wealth to the next generation. Now a lot of those expenses are taken on my couple themselves and asked of their friends of similar ages when really people getting married in their 20's/30's aren't at the financial stage in life to afford to spend money on weddings. Over economy changed faster than our traditions. Like registries don't really makes sense anymore especially when people already live together but people still do them anyway.

by the time youre in your late twenties, you can just decline the wedding invitations. Used to feel guilty that i missed the weddings but now these people are divorced in their 30s, so glad i didnt attend. Also those who get married, also have children and you never seen them again as they are in a different life path than yours.

Agreed re diamonds. I've never understood the appeal/obssession. I'm a historian so I want an antique ring maybe with a coloured stone 😂

I love my ocean bottle, I got one for free when I volunteered for cop26 and it's been almost 3 years. If you unscrew the cap and turn it around it's kind of like a little espresso cup and i think that's the cutest design ever

loved watching this, super interesting and values I feel v similarly about 💛

Alternative interpretation of documentation being the priority of a wedding. This is the case for me, I am having a very budget wedding but choosing to invest in a photographer because I want the keepsakes from the day, since I’ve got engaged I’ve loved the women in my life describing their weddings and showing me their albums as a snapshot in time, learning about family members and friends that are no longer here. No photos will be shared anywhere on social media, they are just for me and my family. Just a different perspective. I think it’s great to interrogate reasons why for many of your points but some of your conclusions are a bit reductive of individuals choices and personal priorities just because they may be different to your own

It's so interesting, we decided to hire a pro to do portraits of family and us (which saved a small fortune rather than do the whole day) and then a friend who is interested in becoming a wedding photographer did the big party - if he hadn't offered, we would have only had photos people took on their phones. Because I figured those would be more authentic anyway. We got married at a brewery and basically just paid them a chunk over what they would make on a normal night and had the place to ourselves with an open bar for our guests. And then had a taco truck come 'cater'. And people still tell us it was one of their favorite weddings they went to. We really didn't spend that much but we had an absolute BLAST! But then all these engaged couples who told us they loved our wedding and wanted to rethink other options are now doing the very big "traditional" thing. Makes me wonder if it's family pressure, societal pressure, something else?

very enlightening, but truly if you're floored by this, buckle up for utah weddings, they're quite insane. with that said, they are traditionally more conservative, however, the age that people get married is a lot younger, so elaborate same-sex pre-wedding celebrations are smaller and there's more financial help from family. still, i think it'd be good wedding cultural practice increase the awareness of the couple, the individual bride and individual groom, the *perceived* expectations, and what it really actually takes to get what you *think* a picture perfect wedding is

I just talked to my bf about this, and we both said we want to have a board game night or a video game night with movies and pizza and sweatpants. We also want a small wedding if affordable and if not an eloping to save for a house or something. We also want to have realistic gifts. Like why give us a set of dishes or silver silverware if they are meant not to be used? I say this all as one of the first gen Z 2000s kids.