Something to remember: Don't call monogamous people "jealous". What they're experiencing isn't jealousy, because jealousy implies selfishness. A selfish person doesn't say "I bind you to me and I to you". A selfish person demands polyamory, saying "I will indulge with as many people as I want, and you must let me". What a monogamous person experiences isn't jealousy; it's simply pain, incurred by unrequited love. "I am loyal to this person. I love them, why don't they love me back?" Never forget: what a polyamorous person calls "jealousy" is simply the pain they inflict on those who've fallen in love with them.
3:53 but why if you have one partner you crusing for other if heterosexuals will be doing that ther will me masive healt issue like venereal diseases -- this is not homofobic it just pure SENSE
Connecting because you enjoyed a date with someone other than me? Lmfao. Yea, no. 😂 Unrelated sidebar No, this isn't scratching the surface.This is click bait. The only tool that was actually offered is that relationships are hard. Main point here is "Hey come spend money For generic advice" because i'm a Clickbait youtuber. 👍
Wow. Was wondering why my newly open relationship has been a struggle so far. It’s because we had a lot of these unhelpful unrealistic rules in place. Thanks for this.
Opening the relationship and making it poly for my bf (I am mono, my feelings just don"t work that way) is only making everything a lot worse for me. Because those feelings of unworthiness, now that he is dating someone aside from me? They're hitting me like a bullet. I get angry, jealous, and overall I'm feeling utterly miserable. And he and the other girl are wonderful people and they don't deserve to be dragged down by me. I clearly have a lot of therapy to do before I can be on a relationship with anyone (and still I doubt any ammount of therapy will ever make me feel less of a piece of shit). So I have made up my mind. The kindest thing I can do both for them and for myself is to break up with him and let him go, even if it kills me. Better me than them.
Hot intimate contact is hot contact. I heard a guy on Reddit once say “I’m not gay but I love dick”. I’ve heard of ppl finding MFM threesomes better on Grindr
What's selfish and immature is wanting an open relationship. Instead of solving the issues you're facing together, people that want an open relation want to look for solutions elsewhere... It's true that someone is not good enough, but it's not the person that wants monogamy, it's the self absorbed narcissistic gaslighting immature person that wants an open relation. He's not good enough to commit to someone else, so he wants to keep an open door to just leave... There's a reason why over 90% of all sorts of poly and open relations fail and over 85% of these don't last a year...
just because you say a percentage, doesn't make it true. (a) show me a legitimate study finding that and (b) show me how many monogamous relationships end
Sorry I don’t buy it. I respect your opinion but i just find you’re trying to justify a bad behavior in my mind. Open relationships fail 85% of the time. It’s not that someone is or isn’t enough for their partner. It’s that u are changing the dynamic of a relationship. It’s clearly you aren’t enough because if you were the other person wouldn’t want sex with others. You’re basically just friends with benefits and have multiple friends. U just so happen to be the best friend. One day ur partner might want to be intimate but you just got done having sex with someone else and now you can’t be 100% there for ur partners needs. No go for me. But I respect your opinion. I see it works for you but the data shows it fails the vast majority of the time. I have been in relationships that were open and have given it a healthy and honest try. Never again. Always ended in conflict. My advice is if you love your partner and want to be monogamous but he wants to have sex with other people, the truth is u really aren’t enough. He wants the comfort and security of having you but the luxury of having sex with who he wants cause u ain’t cutting it for him. Simple as that I’m afraid. Run for the hills and find someone who values you and is satisfied with you. Relationships take sacrifice and one of those sacrifices are not screwing everyone u find attractive. That is not a selfish thing to expect!
"open relationships fail 85% of the time" is a WILD stat to claim with absolutely no study backing that up other than V I B E S even still, monogamous relationships end all the time, that doesn't make monogamy invalid (I sure hope!)
@@thisisbgm I respect your opinion, but I think you're just trying to justify your own choices in life. I am not just coming up with the 85% number out of my butt. No pun intended lol. In fact, 85% is a very generous number...It's more like 93%! In fact I think pushing the open relationship idea is what really hurts the gay community significantly. We have a serious problem with a large portion of our community ending up old and alone because they feel they can just up and have anyone they want in bed with no consequence. They use up their 20s and 30s chasing everyone and sleeping with everyone just to end up 50, old and alone and now they WANT to settle with someone for life but have a difficult time because by then they have had hundreds, if not thousands, of partners and are completely desensitized to having intimacy. Sorry but relationships, healthy ones, typically require sacrifice and compromise and that sacrifice and compromise come in the form of not screwing everyone who you find attractive. This idea that people in open relationships are more "mature" and "secure" is serious copium! RESPECTFULLY! We can agree to disagree! If it works for you GREAT, but I still think that it's not healthy to promote this kind of life style!
I've talked about this in the past but I feel like the way different people are emotionally 'wired' is so very different between monogamous and open! I know they can work for some people but frankly open relationships sound like an absolute nightmare to me. When I love someone, I'm unable to be ok with that partner sleeping around, even when I'm just dating and a partner is flirting with others can be a deep and unsexy disappointment. Knowing that my partner is putting effort and intent into connections that that lead to sex isn't a comfort just because it's a certainty instead of a suspicion doesn't make it any better for me at all. flirting and dating, having sex with someone - these are the medium by which humans naturally form deeper relationship-forming connections and desires with people, so despite all the talk of commitment, that easily represents a constant existential threat to any relationship. every ding on their phone is you getting a smaller slice of their interest and care, or needing less of yours. If you're talking about commitment without sexual fidelity then, well, theres a reason why commitment struggles to function under those conditions. Many people are ok with them. Some are just built different! Many people are on a fundamental level locked into the dating game mode by their nature. A slice of the 'ol hookup culture right in their DNA. For me trying to even imagine it, its dating with a favorite or two. At that point, any re-assurance from a partner just feels like exactly the same thing any player would say to keep their partner from ending things. "Oh na he's just a friend" or "Ah that was just 'hookup energy, you're always my favorite!" How do you stand out against everyone the'll be getting with? Your worst day could be their other other boyfriend's best, that memory might outshine you forever. Its human nature that people would stray in an environment designed to fuel them with more great possibilities with others ongoingly. Little wonder why so many opens fail. Its the worst part of dating someone you love, only extended infinitely, you never really land them. I say if you land an absolute baddie and you guys feel the same? then try to lock them into monogamy. If sexual freedom with others is a need, then I say stay single.
for 2:02 I mean. Monogamy on some level is a mutual agreement or arrangement meant to curb active behaviors which, among other things, cause jealousy. *Thinking about my partner being with someone else would make me feel jealous. perhaps you could even say the thought of it makes me feel a twinge of jealousy? But it actually happening? KNOWING they are actively doing this-and-that, in reality and with intent? Thats the level of jealousy that I want to avoid suffering, and I'm starting to become convinced that open-relationship folks are just built different and don't feel the same emotions in that regard. It just feels like pre-relationship dating, gussied-up to look like a domestic relationship in-between an endless string of hookups. I'd never feel important to a partner if I know the buzz on their phone IS them flirting or setting up a hookup. There is no peace or calm there. I'd feel like a convenient little slice of their time instead of the pie, a portion of whatever romance or sex life they want to experience, and probably only there until their freedom has them come across superior competition. Signing up to be a cuckold? No thank you. Just stay dating, I say. I'm very convinced that for many people, "on to the next one" is the best choice for them. It doesnt need to be relationship-cosplay.
Me and my partner were on the brink of break up. We have two kids, a house and 8 years together. We've done relationship counselling a few times, with good but limited results. The dynamic being she was exhausted (clinically) and I felt I was entering that stage as well as none of us really having our needs met. We just got on each others nerves in different ways. Long story short, we decided to give an open relationship, to let each other of the hook. I've met a few people and she's done it too. I obviously felt A LOT of jealousy, and also envy because of all the attention she received in the dating space. But the jealousy also revealed to me how much I care about her, something that kind of got lost in all our more trivial matters the years leading up to this. When embracing the jealousy I find that it gives me a lot of clues as to who I want to be in our relationship and what I need from her. She hasn't had any issues with those feelings as of yet, even though I've also met other people. The thing is - jealousy will be there and if you let your partner help you through it can be a very enriching experience emotionally. I'm a very emotionally dysregulated person so I think I have a harder time than most with this but I still feel that when my partner show me support and show up for me in the ways I need we both will grow a hell of a lot more than if we would bash our heads against a wall, not finding a way out, and probably go our separate ways. My love for her has grown so much since we decided to go down this route, not in spite of the jealousy rather because I'm deciding to le the jealousy tell me where it comes from.
Lets get real fuck buddys,or independent financial otherwise men always get fucked ,raising other mens kids ,stds,sti no respect, monkey branching ,never doupt their always looking for a upgrade!it human nature...
Regarding open relationship. Open relationship is when your partner wants to have sexual and intimate love relationship with anyone but you. Of course he is looking for a better option, of course you are not enough, of course it is over. Be honest with yourself. Sharing your partner with random multiple people never works. Because we have feelings and emotions. We are not like animals in the zoo. Jealousy snd insecurity are most common human emotions. Sitting at home knowing your partner is railed by men in the orgy, or falling in love with a better looking younger version never works in reality. Unless the partner is with you for other reasons than love ( money, convenience)
In addition to you is not the same as "with anyone but you." When I was 6, my parents decided to have a 2nd child. It's not because they didn't love me. It didn't even me that I got "half" their love. They love me with their whole hearts and they love my sister with their whole hearts. And I got a sister!! Win-win-win love and affection are not scarce, they multiply.
Thank you so much for making this video. My partner has recently brought it to my attention that they might want an open relationship one day. At first I felt I was doing something wrong. I felt they just weren’t satisfied with me but now I’m understanding that it’s not that. They want to be with me and love me and I feel a lot more settled after watching this video. So thank you!
there are whole COLLECTIONS of research on the importance of friendship. If anything, I understated the benefits of it. Lots of gay men have friends with other gay men. We have thriving gay communities.
While it’s great that gay community and friendship have worked out for you, a large part of certain gay people’s coming our journey is learning to be okay with being friendless and lonely. It sucks, but I had to be without real friends for five years because I still couldn’t learn that most people are fake friends. Painting a pristine picture of “found family” is good marketing and PR for the gays, but it’s unrealistic for those of us who are new on our journeys.
I think understanding you can't control the other person and it's possible they will do things you might not like. Communication is everything me. I'm not in a open relationship but we are open to most stuff and communicate our boundaries. We had a threesome mmf my wife wanted only to give oral to the other guy but it was such a fun and hot experience. But you do have to accept there is someone out there better with more money etc. but take care of you be your best self iif that isn't enough for you partner well it's best to move on. Live communicate and have fun. 😊
you can call it whatever you want, but having a threesome with your wife means you're not monogamous! welcome to the club 💙 Hope the videos on this channel can you help you navigate your feelings and any issues that come up. Always happy to help if I can.
I’m in one and hate it. Has nothing with being insecure it’s just some people are wired differently. Doesn’t make one person better than another. But there are definitely times that the open relationship cost a price. There’s times where I can tell he’s clearly not into intimacy and he’ll go out and find someone else for the night. Telling someone that is ok and it’s just insecurity is kinda wrong in my opinion. Think it’s just people who can’t control themselves justifying their inability of control. I find other guys attractive too but I don’t have this issue of staying monogamous.
For me it’s definitely a combination of all of those. I’m in a relationship now and love him dearly but he can’t stay monogamous. Says it’s just sex. Sometimes I feel I don’t do it for him fully. Bummed out. He swears I do but words are cheap and sometimes I feel like I’m more into him than he is into me.
if being monogamy is a must for you and nonmonogamy is a must for him, then it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners. That's really sad but if that's the truth, you'll need to uncouple. If infidelity is part of your relationship history, you may find "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel helpful. Either way, if you decide to try to stay together, "Poly-secure" by Jessica Fern could help! (also always happy to talk about coaching with you, more info is available on my website)
@@thisisbgm thank you for ur response! An update: we ended up splitting and I found a guy who has the same views as me! I am in love all over again and it’s perfect! We both have strict views on monogamy! I honestly never thought I’d find someone like this in the gay community. Seems so rare. I the chemistry is unreal! Never been happier!
i’m that person like truth hurts but i just try to help my friends better themselves and have a better understanding of things and a bigger perspective on situations sometimes i kinda feel like a dick tho
If YOU'RE the Person that these people are having to say this stuff to, you already think that you're the best version of yourself so they're definitely not going to be taking your pricless advice. I really can appreciate the message you're trying to get across, but you're directing it at the wrong person.
Most annoying myth... I told someone online once that I was polysexual (falls under the bi umbrella) and they conflated that with polyamory. Their reply was "Oh, so you're a cheater!" I have a higher percentage of monog friends who have been cheated on than polyam friends. So, to me, it seems like monog people are more likely to be cheaters, but, I guess he can go off or whatever. tl;dr People conflating ENM with cheating.
How would your "ok" rules apply to a married couple with children? Happy marriage at home, and having love affairs outside? Also, anybody that has 1 kid will know that you won't much time for yourself (unless you pay nannies or both take turns to give the other partner free time to hook up with others)???
