My name is Alex Howard. I'm an author, therapist and entrepreneur with a passion for bold projects that help make the world a better place.
My RU-vid series and podcast, In Therapy with Alex Howard, is a first-of-its-kind series that places YOU directly in the therapy room. Join us each week as we follow every step of our brave participants' journeys, both in and outside of the therapy room. As well as the tools I give the participants in the sessions, I’ll also be sharing weekly tips to help guide you on your own path so that you can begin to unlock your true potential.
How does one unlearn this? For some reason, it’s not as simple as “just don’t do it”. I have a fawning response and it is ruining my life. It has made me a toxic person and I end up causing more hurt for everyone. I want to be better
These four things can also occur when an autistic individual isn't aware that they actually have Autism. Going through many years of your life struggling with Autism but unaware you've got it, can result in symptoms/problems that are very similar to how PTSD/trauma affects the individual. Suffering with PTSD makes the individual more vulnerable, and walking about with Autism unaware of it also makes the individual more vulnerable. Both are pretty dangerous situations to be in (in your head), and even though both are in the mind/brain and outsiders can't really see either from the outside (especially PTSD), it's easy for the individual to give off that vibration unconsciously that says "I'm vulnerable". Getting treated for PTSD/trauma is essential to get the "processing" work done so that we feel stronger and less vulnerable. And individuals out there who have Autism but have no idea they've got it... hard to say, but I had to stop everything one day, and really step outside of myself and pay attention to myself and stop allowing others to keep pushing me around (because Autism was mentioned to me twice in different ways...some kind of strange synchronicity), and look into what Autism really was. I got my diagnosis when I was nearly 40, but it could have been much worse. Now that I've conquered the PTSD and learned to get to know myself as an autistic female, life is less risky, less worrying and less dangerous for me. I hope this comment helps some of you, and wish those of you who are suffering much happiness and calmness asap.
Ive broken my neck a year ago, by God's grace He saved me from dying or being paralyzed but I had trauma fits for a year. I didnt have seizures for 6 months now, but get anxiety just thinking of that night. I don't go out a lot anymore, I'm always scared I fall again. I walk every day but just around or near the house
I feel like whatever i do i am never safe not even in my own body not even in my own brain no matter what i do no matter how much i try to provide that safety for me i never actually feel safe i just feel like a little kid left in an empty cold room and have to sleep on its own and deel with their own nightmares all alone and face those little monsters under the bed all alone too i feel scared really scared to the bone that deseappearing while not actually doing so is the solution, more like dissociation.
I was neglected and rejected. The only time I was visible was when I was silent and looked happy. So I became silent- I hardly spoke until I became 27 years old and had a breakdown. (I was also very good in school)
My comment is the same as Salshealing… exactly. Always seeking validation from others. Married to a narcissist. In a bad way currently as I’m trying to break free of his control and he hates it and life is tough right now. My confidence is growing but I’m scared a lot of the time. My family can’t understand why I’ve changed and becoming more assertive. Will I end up alone and lonely?
Not at all and unfortunately it ended up in a chronic depression and being unable to like and love myself,…! I have no idea how it is possible to do that! 🤷🏻♀️ But thank you, I think your tip is a good one, although it needs lots of practice!
This is exactly what I'm working on in therapy. So, no, my needs around feeling loved and being validated were not met in childhood. I've been codependent with people in my life for years and I'm now recovering from that. I also learned as a child to make myself very small at every age, to the point of feeling like a ghost. Thank God I'm in therapy. Your videos are so helpful and clear and validating. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
No, I didn't get my care love needs to meet as a child, so I searched for validation from outside sources all my life , especially from the opposite sex.Which or course wasn't sustainable. So it's taken me 60 plus years to discover finally what seld love is . Thank you for confirming because sometimes it can be a confusing journey ❤
No sadly did not get the love as my parents were so codependent of each other we had to view violence and live in a constant state of fear and fight or flight mode ..I became the clown to calm my father ..to stop him being violent to my mother ..for a short time at least .they we not very evolved sadly ,
Racism teaches you every day that you're unlovable, no matter how lovely your parents are! Yet when you say this, you get the eye roll and "oh, there you go - using the R card again" 😅 Still 💯 agree that conditional parental love teaches a child that they aren't worthy without ticking all the boxes to receive love. Thanks for raising important issues Alex. Love these new thought provoking sound bites 😊
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on! At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E. Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound. I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body? I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me. Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me. Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic. My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles. 🙏 .
Jill a lot of what you talk about resonates, not the details but the things like conscious decision to repress emotions etc. I just wanted to share I've had M.E since 1993, 13 years before a diagnosis was confirmed, in which time I now realise I'd gone into stage 2 or recovery but Kept running my pushing, perfecting, pleasing, peacekeeping patterns without getting the full rest I needed in stage 1. Desperate to get back to college. I've done the Reset program and The Heart Program. And it has turned everything around for me. I'm currently in stage 3, learning to love myself, and take care of myself and starting to feel signs of peace in my body for the first time in 53 years. I believe you can do this too, as Alex says Go gently and be proud.
Nope, wasn’t shown any love, not that I’m slating my parents as they just a product of what received as the cycle rolls… it caused me to constantly seek validation from others which made me bait for narcissists and other toxic people. I’m trying to heal myself best way I can through educating myself which can have its own pitfalls.
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on! At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E. Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound. I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body? I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me. Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me. Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic. My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles. 🙏 .
Spot on, Alex (Dr Howard). I'm a therapist and I am turning more to strengths-based modalities because the clients are so resilient already, often through their spirituality, culture/family, or simply having lived through trauma and survived.
What about 30yrs of living with a ND spouse, diagnosed for 6! I was already filled with trauma when I met him, but obviously I made his trauma more important than mine, So my trauma has never been dealt with, I'm exhausted 😢
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
don't worry man, only advice I can give you that will help is to not feed into those thoughts and try to look at the relationship as a lesson, reflect and see what you've learnt from that relationship as there is a lesson that can be found in any relationship or experience, my next piece of advice is to practice self love cuz only you can fill that void, wish u the best of luck on your healing journey.
So like every argument we seem to have is one sided where he shouts at me how I’m destroying our marriage with my behaviour. I just feel I am a worthless wife and no matter how hard I try to please him I fail every time. He says I’m very selfish but I try to give my all. And give up things to please him. I don’t argue back because I feel shouted down and that it wouldn’t make Any difference to how it ends. I give him the silent treatment because I don’t know what to say to change things and it makes me sad. My feelings don’t really count for Much.
This is so helpful I’m dealing with very similar issues. Great thanks Alex and Pierre for doing this huge respect for Pierre and all the best. The videos deserve a lot more views and should be on national TV instead of the useless junk that is being shown.
1:10 I feel you're missing a big piece here: If someone wants to help a man who needs help, first thing I would want that person to do is to honestly look at the relationship they have with this man: Are you the right person to help this man? What is your motivation for helping this man? Is it about his suffering? Is it about how uncomfortable his suffering makes you feel? Do you want to change him? If so, why? Does it have to be you who helps him? Or would you be ok with someone else helping him? I grew up in a narcissistic family. Much of what looks like or even tries to be helpful in interpersonal relationships fails or quite often backfires due to unrecognized behavior, communication and relationship patterns that are inherently destructive, objectifying, disparaging - based on a (possibly shared) fantasy. In this context an "attempt" to help or talk sense to a man who's unwell will likely make the man feel worse because the relationship pattern does not allow him to feel understood or seen and instead instrumentalizes his difficult life experience for the (probably unconscious) gain of the person "trying to help". I have only very rarely encountered someone wanting to help me who was not a) a partial cause of the problem (typically family), unable/unwilling to grasp my situation before wanting to change it.
