I've been wondering the same thing about where my anxiety stops and where i start. Once, a therapist asked what i would do if all of my anxiety was gone, and i couldn't answer because my life is run by my fear. Keep fighting the good fight!
I've had a similar conversation, and it really sucks to feel like you don't have an answer. I do think you only really start to find the answer once you're in a better place. Thank you, and I hope you do the same :)
For the past few months i have been ruminating about sucide and what not, i have always been a sufferer of social anxiety but now my symptoms matches more with avpd, i know this is not what you have asked for as an answer or anything, but i wanted to express myself, its been a long time and only at night when i feel a little clam this things come to me,if i were asked that que i would reply with i would smile more, and my face would light up, people would come and approch me more, at work or anywhere, which is not whats happening right now, and i don't want that either ,i guess, i would enjoy working, and after a completion of a particular work i would find some sort of satisfaction, i would be at ease with other people which would make simply existing a lot better experience, and allow me to have friends and personality, which would make living a better experience which would then make me wanna have a family, earn money and lot of other things that people do normally, and all this would result in better self steem, which would help me to tackle social situations, without feeling defeated, which ultimately leads to not being afraid of people or confrontation. I wouldn't want to die then even if my wife cheats on me, i know that kind of pain would heal since i would have lot other women as options, also because i do think i am quite handsome and life would be so good not just for me but for my family too who right now are worried about me and my future, i then would give them grandchildren which they would love to have, which would result in more smiles and feeling of being loved. I might also have some kind of pride in me because i would be successful in a lot of area in life. A life well lived. With less stress and more happiness.
Hi Jake. I'm glad you didn't delete this video because I relate to everything you're saying. I've often wondered what kind of person I would be and where life would have taken me if I didn't have AvPD. I've always been attracted to alternative subcultures and had some pretty crazy ideas about clothing but I could never dress the way I wanted because I was too afraid of what people would think. So instead I dressed very boring and could only dress the way I really wanted to in my imagination. I finally got up the courage to get a facial piercing but I ended up taking it out after a couple years because I was so hyper aware of people looking at it. So I think it's really cool you are starting to feel more comfortable expressing yourself. You seem much happier now than you did in some of your earlier videos.
Thanks David. I really am feeling a lot better these days. I hope that someday you feel able to dress the way you want to. I think it's really important for us to express ourselves as the people we are inside, but the attention that standing out can draw to us feels excruciating. Figuring out what small steps we should take to build comfort is a nigh-impossible guessing game, but it feels to me like it's finally, gradually, working. I hope you are able to keep trying :)
Honestly i am in a state of confusion since i started healing anxiety, i feel like i'm not a real person anymore, it's like in someway i have to go back to my old self, but i know my old self was isolated from the world, being with people made me realize i have to work on my self costantly, but this sense of depersonalization it's so bad, somedays i want to isolate myself in my room dark like the old days and i feel so melancholic, i think so deep about my life that i get confused, who am i to the others? i still feel like i'm too weird to be around people, i can't keep up with my looks and attitude when i'm not in a great mood, and overthinking like i do makes me want to stay in bed not caring, and the cycle repeat... I have to work on this disorder at all costs, because i'm 26 and still don't have a job, i still feel the underdog everywhere, i wish i could reprogram my mind.
I totally feel you. That's very close to where I was around October of last year when I started thinking about this subject. I didn't know who I was other than anxiety, and now that I was making progress on anxiety, I was beginning to wonder if my anxiety was ever real either, leaving me feeling like no one. 6 months later and I'm feeling much more confident in who I really am. I really hope you're able to keep pushing forward, because I think we can all find out who we are, but it's hard to say what and how long it will take. Remind yourself how strong you've been so far, and keep it up :)
You know, I'm noticing that a lot of avpd folks actually have a really nice sense of humor, contrary to what we may think/believe about ourselves. Enjoyed the video, glad to see you smiling so much in this one.
awww is this really true? Whenever I crack a joke some people usually laugh when they hear it but I'm anxious because I feel like they don't really find it funny, they just laugh because they pity me and that causes me to become more anxious about myself:((
Last year I started coming out of my shell so to speak, and I found that I enjoy writing fantasy (including silly fanfiction), I like birdwatching and especially love taking photos of random unsuspecting living beings (not as nature photography, but as a way of facilitating learning about each one). I make sure not to bother any organism I take photos of (though I may step on a bug or a plant but those are accidental). I like wearing hoodies, but I also have some t-shirts with some really cool fantasy artwork on them. I used to think I was just some nobody, but now I know I'm more specifically a nobody who likes science, arts and fantasy and who will gush about random birds I found at the park!
That's so awesome! My personal favorite organisms are bugs (especially beetles) and fungi. I also love fantasy. I love using fantasy art as device wallpapers. I also have some fantasy t-shirts I love, but they're not *exactly* artwork; they're weird inside jokes about video games that include cartoony artwork. Not the sort of thing I'm brave enough to wear outside, but they make me laugh.
I’ve always been afraid to wear sandals because my mom always used to make fun of people wearing “mandals”, but I’ve found that letting my toes breath is quite refreshing😂 and now they’re my preferred shoe choice during the summer. Even though I still care and in my head I feel like everyone is judging me, I still wear them because I prefer them, just like with your purple t-shirt. Thank you for sharing this, youre vulnerability is inspiring
Sandals are awesome, man! My best friend wears them constantly, and I feel like they give him a super chill vibe. Thanks for sharing, and for the kind words :)
There's certainly more to person than his diagnosis and people having the same diagnosis are still different.glad to see you're happier now than in earlier videos
Hi Jake! Thank you very much for your uploads 🤝I am 38 years old from Sweden and I have been diagnosed with AvPD since then years. I am also bipolar type 2, so I can really act kind of funny sometimes 😅 The difference now is that I am more acceptant to who I am and just try to communicate how I am thinking, even to people that arent so close to me. The shame and embarresment really held me back and forced me to become un actor in most situations. My biggest issue now is the tiredness after a day at work. All the interactions and impressions is sometimes too much for me and I cant nor want to do anything more that day. Keep up the good work bro 👊
It's fantastic that you've developed that level of self-acceptance-I think it's really key for everyone, but us especially. And yeah, I totally feel you about the social exhaustion. A one-hour doctor's appointment can feel like a full day to me sometimes 🙃Thanks man!
Thank you, and I'm really glad you find it encouraging :) I really am much happier these days, and I wish the same for you! Also, I'm so sorry I never answered your previous comment on a different video-for some reason I can't figure out, RU-vid randomly chooses comments to not notify me of, so I only end up seeing them when clicking through my channel (much) later. You wrote about your experiences winning singing contests, and how it kind of felt like the 'you' that won them was a different person, and that is such a great observation. I could never quite figure out why my performances in school band never improved my self-esteem or anxiety in spite of going well, but reading your comment, I feel like it might be a similar sort of thing-my brain was so busy with anxiety that it hardly even registered what actually happened. And as to your troubles with quitting jobs-I have worked only one "real" job, during high school, and have simply been unable to since (partly because of how stressful that experience was). So I hope you can give yourself some credit for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot out of us to even try.
@@JakeAvPD Wow! I wasn’t expecting an answer to be honest, cause you’re kind of famous 😅but I’m happy to get one 🙂 It’s EXACTLY this: our brain doesn’t register the events because it’s too busy being anxious. It’s a great explanation. Also, when things happen that are supposed to validate me, I can’t help but to think that people will figure out the real me and how shitty I am and they will see how the negative things are way more present than positive things. I also just today made a connection with daydreaming which you talk about in other videos. Anyways, so many things I can relate to as a person who newly found out about Avpd. I’ve been pretty functional but I feel like I’m being less and less functional since I’m getting more paranoid and paralyzed with shame (After writing this comment I’ll probably think about erasing it for several minutes out of shame of being too much). Your recent videos help me see that positive change is possible. Sorry, English is not my language by the way.
@@vickyauger2576 I've been there. It takes time, effort, and lots of luck, but things will turn around :) You got this! (Oh, and your English is great. I never would have guessed you're not a native speaker.)
@@vickyauger2576I so relate to this comment, been going through a vulnerability hangover for the last week+ over an email I FINALLY sent after working on /agonizing over it for over 2 months. Also relatively new in discovering my AvPD (and Schizoid) adaptations and still trying to process what it all means. Your English is very good, much better in fact than most of the native speakers I commonly encounter, so please take that as encouragement to post more freely (advice I'm trying to follow myself)- I'm glad you posted this comment, and that you didn't delete it. Best wishes on your self-discovery, I hope you're finding and liking yourself.😊
I just finished binge watching your videos and it's been kind of surreal to see you improve so much in that short time period, lol. When I found a channel made by someone with AvPD, I didn't expect to actually see regular uploads, but I'm really glad you've done so! I was just diagnosed with AvPD recently and I'm still figuring stuff out. I find myself wanting to reject or disbelieve your progress (to defend myself, I guess?), but it seems so genuine that I can't. You've been so genuine and honest throughout this project and I really admire that. Thanks for the videos; they have been encouraging. I wish you the best!
Haha, now imagine how confused I am, having made no progress over the 6-7 previous years and suddenly changing so fast. It truly is unbelievable. I often question myself, whether things ever actually were as bad as they were a few months ago. It did take a long period of thinking and emotional working to get here, so it looks more accelerated than it actually was. I'm really glad I started uploading when I did, because I think how rough the first few videos were especially demonstrates "where I was" for so long. I'm pleasantly surprised that I've been relatively consistent with uploading as well, and I only make a video when I think I have at least a little bit of something useful to say. Thank you, and here's hoping you see similar progress in yourself in short order :)
You know, Jake, you look great in purple! Keep trying new things! It is the simple things in life that makes life wonderful! I see flowers, and I think, wow! Thank whatever God for life! So happy you are working out! You do look athletic and healthy and you are SMILING!!!!!!
Hi Jake! I love this video!!! It is really helpful to do the little things in life that make us happy! I have found that doing these things are not stupid, nor are they meaningless. They provide great stress relief in dealing with anxiety disorders. For myself, I love watching ASMR videos to reduce stress and anxiety on You Tube! They take me to another place and time of happiness and tranquility. I also love listening to music as all music and songs tell a story and ease or minds of tension and anxiety. I also like eating fast food. I know that's not healthy, but I also eat healthy to help strike a balance. Another thing that helps is writing. I love to write and I especially love writing poetry and narratives. The feelings and words of my poems often depends on my moods. When I have mood swings, and I am sure you can relate to this as well, it are the little things in life that male us happy that truly matter. Sending peace and comfort to you Jake! -Jack
Thanks Jack! Music and food are definitely some of my favorite things as well. I also like writing songs and lyrics as a sort of emotional exfoliation, haha. Hoping you're well!
I found this video very interesting. To be honest i wasn't quite focused on listening. But just hearing you talk about this specific topic was very nice because it's exactly the thing i struggled today and also my childhood. Now i am finding my own style too. One by one. And it is fun to try new things. But also i feel often incomplete because im just in the process of finding out and other people where there long before me. But it does make no sense to compare me with other, non avpd people. Have a nice day
Absolutely right. It's really hard not to compare ourselves to others, because we just want to be able to function like everyone else, but that's not the cards we were dealt. Gotta try our best to be fair to ourselves. Thank you so much, I hope you have a great day as well ☺
Hey Jake, Super interesting to hear about the small things you learned you like and it's a delight to see you more happy and confident :) The clothing is definitely a big step! (nice shirt by the way ;) ) Many people call clothing a form of self-expression and it makes sense. I have always been very focussed on clothing and looking put together because it was a way of controlling at least a little bit how people would perceive me. I don't wear anything very out there and prefer muted and dark colours though. A little more than a week ago i went to a general practicioner. I was nervous but it went alright and I have gotten a referral to get tested for AVPD, so I am just starting my journey of recovery. I cannot really think of the little things you mention, but I have been realizing that under the AVPD is someone who is actually good with people. It's not that I didn't know this before but I have always kind of automatically dismissed career-paths revolving around people despite being interested in them. Now I am taking the first steps towards some sort of progress, I just wonder whether I would have done something very different with my life if I didn't have AVPD.
Hi Lisa, and thank you very much :) I definitely understand your focus on looking put together as a means of not just self-expression, but also somewhat reducing anxiety by controlling the impression you make with others. These days I feel the same way. For most of my life until now, I kind of felt like I was controlling how people saw me by dressing in a way that set their expectations as low as possible, so I could only exceed them (kinda funny, but also painfully true). Society tends to put very different expectations & pressures on young men vs. women as to their appearance, which are each harmful in different ways. I guess I felt like I would stand out more if I tried at all to have a decent appearance, where I imagine many young women feel conspicuous if they *don't* put a ton of effort into how they look. I'm so, so proud of you for starting your recovery :D It's nerve-wracking, but no matter how things go with the testing and any treatment you decide to try or not, it's something you should be very proud of. I totally relate to wondering about how things could have been different. One irony that I actually found very encouraging is that, in some sense, "AvPD me" might end up interacting with people more than a non-AvPD version of me might. Even now just through RU-vid I've had more and deeper interactions than a lot of people typically have in their normal daily life (especially video game developers, like alternate-timeline me probably would have been, haha), and I'm not stopping here. You are very kind and super easy to interact with. Don't rule out anything you're interested in doing involving people, because while I obviously can't say whether or not it would be right for you, I'm pretty sure you'd be very good at doing it. Best of luck to you, and I hope to hear more about how things are going in time :)
@@JakeAvPD Thanks a million Jake, your comment made me smile :) Your videos played an important role in my decision to seek help, so thank you very much for making them. It's sad that you tried to keep expectations as low as possible by how you dressed and I'm happy this seems to be changing for you at the moment. I do relate to this, although in a sort of reversed way. Whenever there is a moment where I feel like I look nice, it tends to make me insecure. I start thinking that people might have certain expectations that will immediately be countered whenever I say something or when they would get to know me. It's indeed funny that you are having more profound interactions with people than a lot of 'normal' people have, and that alternate universe you would have had. Besides, in my opninion, having this disorder also gives you a level of insight into thoughts and feelings, and ways in which your mind can work against you, that can help in connecting with people (who struggle with mental health issues). I always see this as one of the positive sides about dealing with this disorder. Best of luck to you too Jake, looking forward to your next video!
Hey Jake, that's awesome with you starting to feel your world more sensually (if that's the word?😅) It is also a big part of the enjoyment of my day to day. I love tending to my many plants and cuddling my dog (sue me). I can only say that my autonomy is the source of my happiness and I think you'll thrive when in your own space.
Thanks! I'm super excited :) If you had to pick a few, what are your favorite plants? I think I'm going to start out with just a handful of herb plants for cooking, but I'll most likely add some cooler-looking stuff later on. My cat is coming with me as well, and she takes every opportunity to nap on my legs :)
@@JakeAvPD For decorative stuff I love Devil's Ivy. It just always look cool and make interesting twists and turns if you prop it up against something. I also love dumb cane plants because they are large and looks like something that belongs in a jungle (which they very well might) and they are easy to care for. Right now I am growing tomato and cucumber seedlings to be planted out into the greenhouse in a few weeks. Herbs are nice. Thyme, oregano, marjoram and rosemary are easy as you can have them in pots outside year round (In a Danish climate) or in your window sill and they'll be fine. Leaf herbs like parsley are trickier. They like space and should really be planted in a flower bed rather than a pot.
@@horisontial Hey there, sorry to bug you, but someone else let me know they aren't getting my email replies, so I just wanted to let you know if you also didn't get a reply that I did answer you. If that's the case, let me know here and we can get in touch another way. If you did receive it, no worries at all!
Thanks so much Jake for your channel and for putting yourself through all the anxiety and behind-the-scenes rigor to do it- I'm wrestling with a decision of whether to peek over the wall and risk the "rotten tomatoes" myself (as a guest on someone else's channel), so I give you a big round of 👏 and a triumphant metal🤘for your courage! and for the great insight into a vastly under-researched topic for the benefit of a shamefully underserved community. At the time I first found your channel (maybe 9 months ago) I would never have dreamed of posting a comment, but your content was the first to give me an inside view of the DSM (misleading) description of AvPD, and it eventually led me to further content similarly describing SPD, and between the two descriptions the first explanation for my 56 years of confusion and some validation of the experiences that I previously thought were mine alone as a singular misfit. I have since become more involved in the RU-vid SPD discussion (not really so different from AvPD as it turns out, according to the research of Harry Guntrip, aside from semantics and another layer or two of denial and dissociation, IMHO and experience). So, quite a bit late, my thanks and congratulations to you for sharing your experience and progress, it's both shocking and inspiring to see how much growth you've managed since my earlier discovery of your content. I'm excited to see the changes as you discover yourself and hope that an old dog like me might learn a few new tricks, so I've subscribed this time, better late than never. Some things stand out in your character and presentation that I believe deserve recognition and further self-exploration: -you are always very well-spoken, genuine, thoughtful, and kind in your content and replies to comments, and it's clear to me that you have true compassion and empathy for others. - you clearly do your homework and due diligence, and have the capacity to extract understanding from often murky sources by filtering the data through your own experience, which you somehow manage to relate very well- I wish I could do half as well. - you always present such a cheerful and optimistic demeanor, especially for someone who deals with a condition that is so problematic- that alone is worth the time to watch, in addition to the helpful insights (like finding the small things, such as liking purple, that help you know who you are- that's something I'm really wrestling with right now, so those small hints make a big difference) -plus you're a handsome guy and have no objective reason to be self-conscious or shy about your appearance, I hope you can learn to take that honest assessment to heart - you remind me quite a bit of my younger brother who I suspect also has AvPD traits and issues, and would benefit from being able to accept the same compliment. Dude, you're crushing it and I don't see any reason you shouldn't be proud to be who you are and whatever you decide to be. Keep at it Jake, you're doing great! "Give me the sense to wonder, to wonder if I'm free. Give me a sense of wonder, to know I can be. Give me the strength to hold my head up and spit back in their face! Don't need no key to unlock this door, gotta tear down the walls, break out of this bad place!" -Iron Maiden "Can I Play With Madness?" 🤘
Thank you so much for all the kind words, it really means a lot to hear those things :) if you do appear on someone's channel I would love to see it! Either way, I hope things only keep getting better for you. Cheers 🤘
@@JakeAvPD Thanks for your reply Jake, and sorry for the delay in answering back, it's hell out here in the trenches sometimes. Thanks for your interest in my potential guest appearance- I'm currently in the process of arranging an interview with INFJ Penzy (she has a psych degree and the best psychoanalytic content I've found) on Schizoid Vision (also Type Tube) channel(s) after several months of contribution in her comment forums. I have also been invited by Jeff, an INTJ content producer with AvPD (Trauma Type channel) to tell my story. I would suggest to all your viewers to check out their content in addition to yours for a wider perspective of AvPD/SPD content that I have personally found very informative and validating, as well as Schizoid Angst, Jalen The Automoton, and Mind Mastery channels. As I mentioned in my initial comment, there is a LOT of overlap between SPD and AvPD adaptations, and the DSM descriptions artificially and arbitrarily delineate what many see as variations of the same condition, with insights to be gained by studying them both; additionally, both these "disorders" are under-researched and those of us suffering with them are mostly left to our own devices and community support for help- it is advantageous to share information and build alliances to help increase awareness of these conditions to improve quality of life for us all. If we all promote those advocating for our concerns, maybe we can FINALLY be heard; every "like" and comment on their platforms amplifies YOUR voice by driving the algorithm, so be generous.😊 Thanks Jake, looking forward to your next post, and I'll drop you an update.
:~) another gr8 video...resonated! reminds me of those "coke or pepsi?" books that were popular around the 2010's with all those "little" questions to answer with your friends. also, it was rlly fun to hear your anecdotes on style & expression! purple shirt!! big deal! + 🍓🚗 the only flaw of the video is that there was a reference to your cat but no video clip or photo of them!
Haha, I'm glad we agree on the purple shirt :) And that's a fair point. Here's a picture of my friend on her (quite furry) blanket: i.ibb.co/PMw59Qf/20230421-225034-1.jpg
Would you say you have/had anhedonia? Like lack of.. joy or lack of pleasure? It sounds like you are finding morsels of the little things to enjoy, like your shirt and car scents. Do you enjoy nature?”Awe walks” are something I never knew had a name but I do think are cool, they are not really social but they can help with just absorbing and appreciating the world and muting the ruminations and whatnot.
I definitely had anhedonia, yeah. I'm super lucky to be doing much better now! "Awe walks" sound right up my alley. I'm not necessarily the sort of person to want to see specific parts of nature or go traveling, but I do enjoy just walking around outside and looking at random plants and bugs. I'm still super anxious about it when there's anyone else around, but I plan to make myself practice it more after I move into my own place.
I’ve just started “awe walks!” They’re amazing!! They’ve been super helpful for me to feel more connected with my surroundings. Glad you mentioned this!
I have a question, how do you see women in general? Do you struggle to understand them and feel they are too hard to be with? Do you have resentment towards them, and how does that show up in how you talk to them? I never really hear you talk about it.
Since starting puberty, I've struggled with the fear that I was involuntarily making girls/women uncomfortable just by being around them. I know how bad it feels for someone to make you uncomfortable, so I avoided them persistently. I hope to change that very soon! I've done a lot to increase my self-confidence over the last year. I have known a few women who I was very comfortable interacting with, and I admire greatly. Those who come immediately to mind are some of the English teachers I had throughout middle & high school. Different genders definitely face distinct physical & societal difficulties, but we are all just people :)
@@JakeAvPD it's interesting that you say that since puperty you struggled with the fear that you were making girls uncomfortable just being around them, because you knew how bad it feels to be made uncomfortable, so you avoided them. I would think that girls are more emotional and caring, so they would not feel uncomfortable around you, unless you were actively provoking to them. And I meant how do you see women, as in ones you could have relationships with. You mentioned teachers, I wonder why. Thanks
@@Cashalfstory Hey, guys can be plenty emotional and caring too :) It's just coincidentally the way my social anxiety developed that I was more comfortable around people of the same gender. I certainly wasn't provoking anyone, and retrospectively I'm aware that I wasn't really making anyone uncomfortable. I just had new feelings (i.e. crushes, attractions) that I had no idea how to handle, and I felt like I was thinking & feeling things that were wrong, though obviously those things are normal. Ah, I didn't realize you were just talking about relationships. Obviously I would not include my teachers in that category. So I've never been in a relationship, but it's because of my hangups about myself, and not any problem with girls themselves. I'm hoping to go on my first date later this year :)
@@JakeAvPD okay, I meant women that you have had crushes on, I wonder why you were scared of them and felt you made them uncomfortable. It must have something to do with you, because as a woman myself, I would not be scared of avoidant personality disorder in guys, as long as they were being kind, not yelling or being rude and hateful to me. Did you feel that you were too unable to care about others, and you didn't think others would be able to care about you?
@@Cashalfstory Yes, it was entirely because of how I felt about myself. At the time, I didn't even know about AvPD (I haven't really interacted with a girl my age IRL since I was 18). On the occasions I did talk to girls, they didn't seem at all uncomfortable with me; I just felt like they were hiding discomfort to be polite. I didn't know how to get to know people, or how to outwardly express emotions, and I thought I was so awkward that girls would prefer I didn't try to talk to them. I'm learning how to be more forgiving of my awkwardness and get past it.
I understand how you feel. I think it's important to remember that it's just a label for how you're feeling. If you do have AvPD, you're not any different than you were, you just know now that there are other people dealing with the same shit. There are a lot of us, and we aren't anything to be afraid of :D
this topic reminds me of the poem "Everything is Waiting for You" by David Whyte Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone. As if life were a progressive and cunning crime with no witness to the tiny hidden transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely, even you, at times, have felt the grand array; the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding out your solo voice. You must note the way the soap dish enables you, or the window latch grants you freedom. Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity. The stairs are your mentor of things to come, the doors have always been there to frighten you and invite you, and the tiny speaker in the phone is your dream-ladder to divinity. Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation. The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness and seen the good in you at last. All the birds and creatures of the world are unutterably themselves. Everything is waiting for you. source: onbeing.org/poetry/everything-is-waiting-for-you/ good day to y'all!
Hi! I don't have other social media at the moment, but you can reach me by email-the address is on the "about" section of my channel, and I added it to the description of this video too-and I'd be glad to hear from you! If email doesn't work for you, let me know, and I can look into opening some other options.
Hi again! I wanted to let you know I got both of your emails, but I'm not sure you're receiving my replies. If you still don't see an email from me, please let me know here and we'll figure out another way to get in touch.
