Hi thanks Shelise for being a lovely host, and hi Kendra, it’s was mentally tough to listen to your abusive upbringing, and I still feel very sad inside. I’d written something but I cannot share it. I’m not as brave as you. I want you to know how much I appreciate your bravery though And yes, trauma is trauma. I have never been in a cult. I can’t pinpoint exactly what in your story that made me relive part of my experience but it doesn’t really matter anyway. I wish you and your precious son all my best. *And Shelise* thank you again for keep these difficult conversations going. I wish everyone my best and I hope we’ll do our best to help one another understand each other’s different situations and that we’ll have more patience for others. Kindness is precious and priceless. With kindness, compassion and respect Grace🩰 (I’m sorry this comment is all over the place)
@@Grace.allovertheplaceI don’t know what your story is, but I don’t think your comment is all over the place. Sounds like you’ve lived your own story, your own tough moments. If you need help or resources to deal with whatever you’ve experienced, I’m sure someone can help or hopefully you are able to get help. Not trying to make assumptions, just want the best for you. I’m sure I’m not alone in wishing you nothing but love and happiness in your own life. ❤
Hi Kendra! Maybe you and your son can find some grandparents. There are plenty of lonely older people who would love to have some company and maybe that relationship can grow. Maybe an elderly neighbor, visiting a senior center or nursing home. I know some seniors who enjoy being read to.
I was raised hearing "spare the rod, spoil the child" and was always told that is why we spank kids. But then i found out Shepards used the rod to gently guide the sheep and protect them from predators. It was never used ro beat them.
That's the same verse my father was taught, and he very definitely took that in so very many, many ways to heart... It was what made me so emphatically opposed to the use of violence as a means of discipline for my kids.
I grew up hearing that phrase too. Recently found out it is not biblical but from an erotic poem that was written as satire of the whole spanking issue.
YES! It was used to protect and also to rescue them! Think about how the true meaning.. if parents focused their energy into protecting their children… so they will be safe. ( that would be beautiful )
Amen! I learned that this year. Now, I was spanked in the most loving way possible (explanation, hugging, etc) and knew my parents loved me. It was minimal and ended after a certain age. What scarred me was completely unrelated and I'd take spanking over it any day.
Not crying in a crib is a sign of abuse and neglect in a child. It is them as a tiny baby recognizing no one cares about them when they cry. I cannot believe there is a whole group of people who think this is an acceptable way to raise children.
I was a baby that never cries for attentu9n. I spent my first 5 weeks in a humidity crib, so crying never got me picked u0 or fed so I didn't b9ther. Made me weird and was never treated much better after getting out. So I am messed up
I remember I sobbed tears of joy when our foster daughter (at the time now our daughter) cried when she woke up from a nap! Months of intervention and work with an occupational therapist and attachment behaviorist. She suffered much trauma in a very controlled environment with ideologies influenced by the pearls and a few like them. She was 7 months old and never cried never. Her older sister was 3 and would hide in closets underneath beds and behind furniture and remain for hours I would find her and sit on the floor of that room talking soothingly reading children’s books and playing happy soothing music the first time she came out from her hiding place crawled on my lap and wanted to be held was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. They are in college now and doing well. I appreciate so much this discussion. it was hard and I had to stop it several times. But I’m glad I listened thank you for sharing your story.
I know! It was reminding me of what I've heard about children from neglectful orphanages. When I was little, the stories I heard most came from behind the former Iron Curtain.
This is so true. These children will self soothe because they aren't soothed or get attention. Baby's cry to communicate their needs, there is even different cries for different needs. I get it is sometimes annoying when they cry, but you must be a terrible parent to neglect your child like that. It can even be dangerous, because it can cause SIDS and if you ignore them, how would you know they cry because they are in danger.
Not surprised. Their welfare laws are pretty rad when it comes to animals, I'm an animal activist, which is why I know they have good animal laws. Certain "training" devices (prongs, ecollars, etc) are banned in Germany, so I'm sure CA promotion is banned and shunned as well.
It is guised under 'religion', like Amish and Mennonites have special treatment regarding laws - so do the Pearls because they claim it is part of their religious beliefs.
Well what happens to people who get locked up go thru way worse at hands of the state. Think about it carefully. I spanked my children but it was capital punishment for extrema behavior
Actually I kind feel like this is worse because it's strategic child abuse. Like they actually plan to cause the most emotional damage they can with it.
My sibling raised her kids with these principles and she is estranged from all 4 of them as adults. Awareness will stop it in the end so spread the horror.
My daughter is a 3rd generation non-spanked child. She’s getting her PhD, as a 23 year old. I remember hearing my grandmother tell a friend that it caused her pain knowing there were generations of children that were brought up thinking child abuse, and physical abuse, was normal.
I will say my mother was spanked, and doesn't have a negative view of it (grew up in Germany in the 1940s being raised by her grandparents for 10 years). Yet, she never once spanked me or my brother. So not sure why she thinks in some instance it was okay while not doing it herself to her own children. Deep down she must have a reason. In the end, it doesn't take multiple generations -- all it takes is one person to stop doing it.
@@elissa3188it’s not uncommon for victims to not register abuse towards them but draw the line at “smaller” abusive actions when it concerns other people. Maybe because they’re usually also groomed into believing that they could’ve had it much worse.
In Sweden spanking is illegal. It's been illegal for decades and we've now had several generations of children that haven't been spanked. So yes, you can raise children without spanking that are upstanding citizens. We all agree nowdays that hitting your wife is not OK. Hitting those that are weaker than you is not OK. Why is it then OK to hit those that are totally dependent on you, the way your children are. it's bizarre.
@@magdalenabozyk1798I just LOVE you Northern Dweller's mellow, intentional, human(-istic), practical , happy way of living. 👏👏. I SO WISH we, in America, would take a few pages from you guys's book. It's ALWAYS bewildered me how anyone could not find it self-evident that hitting kids or, ideally, anyone is ok, and a decent way to ' Train up a Child' 💫into anything other than ANGRY! It just makes my stomach turn over.
How is this even a conversation anymore? No, a grown adult hitting a literal child is not normal or healthy. It's sick. Having a cutesy name for it does not help.
As a girl who suffered severe and crippling depression that almost took my life as a kid and who was literally saved by horses...I have never understood why it seems to be the common conception that being a horse girl is "embarrassing". Horses are amazing, beautiful and healing creatures.
I agree, I had a horrible childhood. Nothing with a cult, but extremely abusive. Horses saved my life. If they didn’t exist I fully believe I wouldn’t be standing today. Thank goodness for horses and their healing powers ❤️
I agree. More kids with PTSD should have horse therapy. Being near horses can help kids learn about consent and trust, its literally being next to something that could be dangerous but aren’t because even creatures that are bigger don’t need to hurt things that are smaller. I love horses, Ive always loved them and still want one of my own. My friends had them and the highlight of my childhood was trailriding and just spending time with them
I grew up poor with horses and I think the embarrassment is particular groups of “horse people” for a long time I never wanted to mention anything about horses because I didn’t want associated with those that bullied me. Not that all are, absolutely not. I just think that’s where part of the stereotype comes from unfortunately
Funny thing. . . in the classic socio-political satire Gulliver's Travels, the main character travels around the world experiencing all kinds of exotic societies. Finally he finds an ideal society, and it's horses.
When she talked about her baby brother awake in his crib terrified to make a sound, I had to go sneak into my kids' rooms for a few minutes just to hold them. I wish I could reach through time and space just to pick up that little baby.
Same!! I had my first baby three months ago and ever since I've felt so much pain hearing about any sweet baby being hurt. I just want to adopt them all so they have someone who will love them
My mother was adopted at almost three years old back in the 60’s. Apparently she couldn’t eat solids or walk. The kids were just left in the cribs and “taught” not to cry. For years into adulthood she didn’t understand why she felt so disconnected and broken. My grandparents weren’t the best either, so she had a lot to work through. I would want to adopt children like my mother. They are just waiting for love and some therapy. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to adopt where I live -especially for gay couples like myself. Somehow, I just know a needing child will find me, so right now I am waiting. Hug your little ones and keep them safe ❤
I essentially raised my baby siblings, and my parents were also ones who got annoyed at babies for crying and would punish or ignore it at times. It was so healing for me to be able to reach out and help my baby siblings and teach them that their emotions are important.
@@universal_stupidityyou were and are wonderful. You may not realise (I know in America it is written with a z🙂) it but even having only one person showing kindness and empathy to a child/children in an abusive and neglectful situation can make a huge difference. It is the difference between growing up broken and it being very, very hard to heal, sometimes impossible, and growing up very badly hurt mentally and often physically too and being able to heal either completely or to a very large extent. I hope your siblings appreciate what you did for them although I am sure you didn't do it to get their appreciation but did it because you are inherently good.
My mother died recently at 92, alone and lonely in a nursing home despite the fact that she had 8 kids. None of us could stand her and avoided her for years, especially when she needed help. We couldn’t face helping her when she didn’t help us when we were little. But mostly it was the beating. If you want your kids to hate you, refuse to help when you need it, keep your grandkids away, and die alone, lonely and forgotten you should hit your kids. It’s the best way to a lonely old age.
That’s awful - I think there’s balance - when I got my ass beat I really did deserve it - difference between abuse and discipline-my parents are the best! My son and I have a great relationship and I have one with my parents - and we’re all well rounded, polite and successful-
Ugg. I totally sympathize with you! Sorry for having to survive that 😢 I work with many elderly who have been estranged from their families. Ive learned to appreciate family trauma and my younger self used to judge family members who are not involved. Now I understand if I have an elderly patient who is alone, it almost always indicates they were a sh!tty person to those around them when they were younger. So I give my patients the love and care that all humans deserve (even if they didn’t give that to others). I wasn’t hurt by the person so I’m free to love on them and give our elders proper care, and I no longer judge family who choose to stay away. It’s awful how some parents treat their OWN children.
It's wrong to assume that people who aren't visited when they are frail and old were bad people. It could be, but it could just as easily not be true. There are plenty of abusive people whose kids take care of them. It's not fair to people who are the most vulnerable.
The last time my mother spanked me she sprained (or broke) her finger and her wedding ring had to be cut off. I didn’t cry or make a sound. But she did, twice. Once when she hurt herself on my body, and once when my dad cut the ring off. And all I did was think to myself, “Serves you right, bitch.” I do occasionally check in with her. In 18 years she’s seen my son 4 times. He doesn’t know her and doesn’t care to.
Exactly. Luckily I did not need this podcast to hear this for the first time, I've been saying it for years. But I am happy it is out there for people to hear it.
I don't think it can be pieced apart like that. What happens to us makes us who we are, for better or worse. I was raised in a cult... I wouldn't change anything, even though I suffered because now I have the ability to navigate situations others don't and to help others experiencing trauma. I also love myself *just* as I am, which means I accept what my story has been. Acceptance doesn't mean you don't stop trying to ensure it doesn't happen to others.
I left my parents home at 13. No one looked for me. I am now 72 years old the competencies I developed brought me to this age with out any real problems. It saved me. Of course I am the weirdo of the family and I’m proud of it.
As someone who actually did buy into this mentality for a number of years, I can testify that it does NOT create happy, healthy children. I’m still working on repairing the damage I did. 😭
You will be very fortunate if you are able to have any relationship with your kids and grandkids. My step dad was only allowed supervised visitation with our kids as he was the primary culprit in the beatings. My mom stood by and allowed it. As a result my mom and step dad were not allowed to see my sisters child for years prior to my moms death. My sister was barely speaking to them when mom died and has no contact with step dad or dad (she rightly blames him for not staying involved). I had a strained relationship but did see them. I am LC with step dad and dad. My sister was far more traumatized than I (oddly because I took the primary beatings) and as a result has been divorced twice. She is unable to have healthy trusting relationships even in her 50s. My sister got very clever about getting me blamed for stuff so I took the beatings instead of her but I think she has more guilt for throwing me to the wolves. I will also add that the physical abuse was often paired with sexual abuse. I found this out talking to other survivors of this abusive cult.
@@phuck8627 indeed. It’s easy to plead that you were influenced by others to beat and abuse your kids. It doesn’t really hold water though. Nobody makes an adult do evil. It’s a choice. The kids don’t have the choice.
I'm glad your working on repairing those relationships and you know now that you were wrong then even though at the time you didn't realize it due to the influences surrounding you.
Exactly or like my 4 yr old daughter she is non verbal level 3 autistic. She can say words here and there but she can't communicate. Trying to do what that book says to do to an autistic child is just barbaric and inhumane. They are wired different. Those people who smack a child like mine for stimming or screaming from being overwhelmed with something. I hope none of those people ever have an autistic child.
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 as an autistic adult who wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago, thank you for this. Childhood while being undiagnosed - even as someone who's verbal - was really rough when it came to overstimulation and the like. I wish you and your daughter all the best, and I hope that some of the methods of alternative communication may turn out to be a good fit for her! This world can be rough for non-verbal folks.
My mother used to get compliments in church about how well behaved her children were. Every time I would hear that as a child I would cringe because they were validating the regular beatings we were getting
Yep! Oldest of 5 here. People were always telling my parents how well behaved we were. And I grew up with people always telling me how perfect my parents were. We were afraid of them and highly controlled….not abusively like this guest, they did love us. But the high control cost us our autonomy
Oof! Someone gave my parents this book when i was a kid. They read until the part where they advised against using diapers so a newborn is automatically potty trained. Dad said anyone who was too stupid to put a diaper on a baby probably won't have any other good advice. I met some of the Pearl children as an adult, and they are seriously messed up individuals
How are they messed up? What are some examples? I’m not challenging you; I’ve always thought their kids would be broken, obedient zombies. Don’t they make their kids publicly support the public at times? I could swear I saw clips of the kids doing that in a 60 Minutes or Dateline type of show.
I'm curious what they were like? The only thing I know is a clip where one of the daughters says she was just fine and grew up normal, which seems unlikely.
I was born in the Soviet Union and my parents had no diapers the whole time I was a baby and now in the US, after they had my sister, they said it's the best invention ever created, second to electricity lol
Not only is it shaming and humiliating, it hurts physically to be paddled. My father paddled us often. When you are older it seems more humiliating. I have an anxiety disorder and depression as an adult woman. A lot of it stems back to that. Instead of talking through behaviors we were just yelled at and paddled. It was confusing.
I was the oldest of 3 (I was adopted) and the shame was so intense because my two siblings were allowed to laugh and taunt me when I was beat and punished and allowed to continue for days. 😢
This interview woke me up to the fact of, How is this book still being sold on Amazon???????????? For the exception of the minority that bought into this BS,- if you took a survey just in the US, I would bet, it would be 99% of people ,would say take the book off of Amazon & or anywhere else. Pearl's might as well have titled the book, "How to abuse children" it is sick. I bet if there's a petition out there now, we can get a lot more than 100,000. 😉✌️
@@CultstoConsciousness listen to the crazy transformed wife on here . She promotes them. I got blocked by her because of her spreading of misinformation about autoimmune disease like my oldest daughter type 1 diabetes. She blew me off. Anyone c with type 1 cannot go without insulin. They also need straight junk food for lows. Their highs and lows affect them. Sugar and diet doesn't cause or cure type 1. And it infuriates me that she can influence people who have a kid like my oldest daughter with type 1. She's a covert narcissist and is trying to change the younger generation to go back to days where is women couldn't vote or speak up against a husband. That's no way of life. Marriage is a team and no one should be above another human being. The transformed wife also has a video about how she used this book to train her kids. I was appalled at that too.
@@Jo-razz What's even worse is that the teachings decribed in this book are linked to the deaths of 3 children: Sean Paddock, Lydia Schatz and Hana Grace-Rose Williams. In all three cases, homeschooling parents acted on the Pearls' teachings.
Right, we know that, ,but there are so many people out there who just don't see it that way. They demand obedience above all else. As early childhood educators we are looking to teach skills so the child can be healthy and happy. We want kids to explore and experiment to learn and find their own strengths and boundaries. At least that's how I work in the classroom and with my own child.
This talk inspired me to go leave a negative review on Amazon. As a former psychotherapist, I am only too aware of what kind of damage this kind of "training" does to a child. Thank you for sharing your story and helping educate the rest of us. You are an inspiration.
You'd have a flid day with not just my life but especially the abouse from my childhood being raised by my "parents" after losing my real mom in hurricane Andrew....
@@JeantheSecond No public publicity points though please. "No publicity is bad publicity" or "No publicity is the only actual bad publicity" because even bad publicity increases the marketing name-brand which increases the naive/partisan to fall prey to it or support it in their "Us vs Them" shallow 2-D sports view of the wider world.
I'm sort of torn on this, obviously you don't want to give these monsters any support, but it is better when the person has read the book. I know Savvywritesbooks has said she tries to get as many of the toxic self-help etc books she tears apart second hand or from women/queer owned bookshops.
I’m a nanny I have successfully ‘trained’ alllll the kids I ever had the pleasure of knowing. I actually don’t yell at them and go with their kid energy. I comfort them when their sad and celebrate with them when they’re happy. The results are: perfect manners, easy-going attitude, and immediate listening when their parents talk to them. They are also very happy and smart kids. Your brave Cult of Consciousness. Thank you for sharing your experience so other people can learn. Children and animals are a GIFT ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
My heart dropped when some friends of ours at church had the Pearl book. I was so scared for their baby. We moved away and they blocked us on social media years later. So sad. And the more commercial book "Babywise" by Ezzo is the same abusive book washed and santiized. I'm so sad for all children and now adults who suffered under this book. The fruit shows what this content really is all about. This is from the pit of hell. Since when does Jesus treat us like this???? These people hate children. Pure and simple.
Secular parents can go to jail and never see their kids again for abuse less than this. The Christian card should be worn out by now. But oh the RESPECT!
@@Cara.314 ...that doesn't actually save any lives... and people have lost their kids in the West because they weren't willing to let their kids mutilate their own genitals that way...
I am a born again Christian and I am completely 100% against this book and “parenting style.” Where is the free will that God gives us? Where is the love? This is abuse and a disgusting mask of narcissism, lazy parenting and fear based parenting. Children NEED to feel protected, loved and their autonomy honored. Jesus healed and set me free from the affects of generational abuse that broke my sense of self worth and boundaries. He gave me eyes to see my selfishness and self destructive habits. These people are glorifying the sins I had to healed and set free from!!! I am just appalled!!!
The rod that is referred to in the verse, refers to the shepherd's rod. The shepherd uses it to beat away wolves, lead the sheep, and used the hook to rescue any that had fallen. It's often used as a metaphor for the bible. This is why another verse says, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
Okay, but Xtianity is a patriarchal religion with a horrific history. No matter how you slice it there has been and still is a lot of hate leveled at sexual minorities, women, other religions and poc. Without Evangelicals Trump would have never stepped foot in the White House. I don't think you can put lipstick on that pig.
We homeschool, and I've never hit my child (now 12) on purpose. I like the idea of kids being whole people worthy of respect and as much autonomy as they can safely manage.
Besides not abusing your children, I hope they are getting a quality education. That is, advanced math, science, etc. Most homeschooling parents aren't qualified to teach those things so they're children don't have a chance at becoming doctors, engineers, etc. That's my biggest concern with homeschooling.
I think my parents co-authored that tome. I'm 75 and still recovering from this horrific abuse. I think it's so strange there aren't many documentaries these days on the serious damage of physical/emotional/psychological abuse. It's as though society has assumed the problem went away. I have been dissociative all my life, all memories blocked until I was eulogizing my father. Thank You, Kendra, for sharing your story. I believe hearing others' stories is some of the best therapy out there. I identify with so many of your experiences. My mother had a variety of "weapons." A riding crop was kept handy above my bedroom door. The most painful was the bamboo switch. My father's weapon was the belt; he would beat me until he was exhausted. I realized I was out of my body when I was being interviewed for disability. Because of severe PTSD, I never really was able to work; could never concentrate. Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO, has so mistreated his employees that he's proven he's a sadist, so he'll keep selling anything that adds to his billions. The Pearls are actively promoting sadism and go unchecked. Kendra, your accomplishments are so vast. I hope you hold yourself in highest esteem.
Yep, one of the first forms of gaslighting. Followed up by the, "This hurts me more than it does you" or "I am doing this because I love you" while they may true, it is confusing for children and COULD result in not listening to our intuition or gut instincts, negative projections/feelings about God, learned helplessness, aniexty, perfectionism, ADHD, disassociation, etc.
Ugh that phrase! My mom would say that but she stopped after cps was called on my parents luckily it made them realize their wrong doings and stopped and became better parents. That phrase though ugh.
Yup. Same with my father. "Stop that crying or I'll GIVE you something to cry about!" What this told me is that what I was already crying about didn't mean shit. My emotions were an annoyance, and neither of my parents explored my feelings with me, they BOTH left me in my room to "cry it out", alone, with no talk afterwards. It really fucked me up. It's taken me 42 years to heal just enough to actually be happy, not feel extreme guilt and shame when crying, to let my rage out, and love myself AND my emotions. This book....if I had the money I'd buy the rights and BURN ANY REMAINING COPIES while discontinuing printing.
I read this book when I got pregnant, it's the only book I've ever thrown away. I refused to abuse my children the same way my parents abused me. In fact, as an adult raising my own kids, it was the abuse (in an evangelical home) required against my own children that ultimately drove me away from religion altogether .
Sadistic parents have no religion. They crave to satisfy their hunger for pain of others. It's ironic how they might shift when being old. No sympathy though. Let them practice on themselves what they preached
@@evenbetterthanthereaIthing Oh they have whatever religion allows them to express their Sadism on innocent defenseless victims such as minorities or their own children.
@@evenbetterthanthereaIthingHell is sadism. Putting people in hell because they don't believe in you is sadistic. At least 2 religions are pure sadism. 2 of my grandfathers became abusive to their wives & children after becoming Christians.
I think it’s super important to remind everyone that iblp is just one expensive program for fundamentalists. There are plenty of others. It’s a whole industry.
Yes! Thank you! That is absolutely immensely important! There's now an entire industry which solely caters to the fundie Christian subculture: there are clothing brands, publishers, media products, service industry businesses, etc. which cater exclusively to fundie customers. IMHO, that makes these beliefs & practices even more dangerous than they already are, because it allows members to isolate themselves even more fully & effectively from the "worldly" world. This in turn makes it even more difficult for both adult practitioners and their children if they do decide they want to leave their fundie. community.
In my family we were seriously abused physically and as we got older in other ways. The blanket training and testing our compliance was always a thing. My dad would leave then come home and asked us if we watched TV and when we would admit to it because he would start screaming at us and threaten beatings, he would beat us because we shouldn’t be watching TV. Nothing ever made sense, fun outings, food that any kid would like, was always a test or something came with it. I knew when he would be so nice it was to eventually beat us and my job was to figure out what test he was putting us through. I started catching on and hiding things with my younger siblings. I remember my 4 yr old sister peed on herself and I remember taking her in the closet and changing her and hiding the clothes. I was 8! I was 8 and already aware of the danger my dad brought to us and especially my younger siblings.
It took us a while but my sister and I learned to get together to hide stuff to reduce the abuse. Yes, anything would set him off. It was walking in egg shells all the time.
Nydia, your dad belongs in prison ! What he did, those entrapments was pure sadism, and nothing less. At no time did Jesus ever tell people to treat their kids this way ! He should still be reported. Outings and food as testing opportunities ?? Yikes ! What a monster !!
@@JulieSevelson-nb9nj my step dad did similar stuff to us. Thankfully I was already 13 when they started so we were not little kids. The statue of limitations means they don’t pay for what they did. He did apologize but his memory has always been terrible and he claims he doesn’t remember all of it. It was bad enough that my sister believes God does not exist. I go to church but I am not regular. I realize that this abuse is not what Jesus taught and is not biblical but I am still unable to be invested with other Christians after this experience. One of my GFs was abused like this and she didn’t even go to her dads funeral. It was very sexist where we were also. The girls were punished more than the boys and it was just her with three brothers so she caught most of the anger and abuse. All of the girls that I know who grew up like this have eating disorders even in our late 50s. We were pulled from public school to avoid reporting the abuse so it wasn’t caught.
My sister's abuse was so bad that she intentionally shoplifted something so she could go to Juvenile Hall and get away from the abuse. They sent her home with a warning, after calling my parents. Of course she got abused again.
Kendra, I know you’ll probably never see this, but keep preaching. You’re making a difference. My siblings and I were raised with many of the same teachings you were reached with. Some of us were molested as kids. Many of us attempted suicide. It was a terrible way to be brought up, but we have the power to try to stop it from continuing. You inspire me to continue to fight out. My aunt has worked with me to rescue my family from the hell hole we grew up in. My dad is currently in jail. My siblings are finally in a safe caring environment. Thank you for fighting. To everyone who is reading this, thank you for fighting. Please keep fighting. There’s so much to look forward to.
I've raised 7 children and I am horrified to think that anyone would believe striking a child is a good form of discipline. Are you kidding me? My heart aches for children being raised in this environment😢
My parents had this book called The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson…which is very similar and also focuses on breaking a child down. They were avid followers of Focus on the Family. I remember once as a child, after being spanked, I screamed I’d never do that to my kids. And they responded with “you will if you love them”. They still use this phrase to justify some of the things they do.
My dad told me that after I told him I would never hit my kids. He said it again while I was pregnant with my oldest too, so I asked him why loving someone means that you get to assault them. We got into a huge argument and we don't talk about the subject anymore.
Christianity rebrands the word "love" by attaching the word to acts of physical and mental abuse as if using the word justifies the atrocities. In Christianity, even a human sacrificial murder is presented as an act of "love". There is no love in an act of murder. The word love and murder do not belong in the same sentence. Yet, John 3:16 says God loved the world so much, he had his Son murdered for us. No one asked for anyone to be murdered for them. It's a story of psychological manipulation to manufacture guilt. What kind of a "father" has their own son murdered and calls it "love"? A psychopath. It's so twisted. It's false. And it's horrific to teach these things.
@@EllEss331: The penalty for sin is death, Jesus won victory over death, the proof for that is that is He is the only person whose body is not still in a grave. Anyone who believes in/trusts in Jesus for the free gift of eternal life has it.
Hey, I hope you have come through to some happiness now. And something I appreciate about how this channel present things is 'high demand' and 'controlling' as being hallmarks of abusive/cult situations. Whatever various groups/people believe, or not, about gods, saviours, sky fairies, UFOs or whatever is secondary. So controlling abuse can happen in 'secular' settings as well. Just seems to more random there and systematic in the enabling/distorted belief systems.
Exactly 💯 I feel the same like for me no cult just abuse but omg it's so twisted how people treat their children. I love my boys so much I could never hurt them.
I broke the cycle of abuse when my kid was born. I cannot imagine what life would be like taking it out on my child how miserable i was. So glad you've changed your family line too!
@@newgabe09agreed. And i have a crap ton of issues, but i broke the abuse cycle when my kid was born, so knowing that brings me joy. She's an amazing person.
I live in Arkansas, and during the 2000s, I worked at a popular health food store in Little Rock where the Duggars occasionally shopped. I remember praising Jim Bob and Michelle for having such well-behaved kids. Little did I know then that they were abused.
MY FAMILY USES THIS BOOK!😭 All of this is SO FAMILIAR!😭 My sister & I were “trained-up” & my cousins, & their kids, too. My parents rules, punishments & beliefs very much align with IBLP, but they never claimed to be any denomination. We were forced to attend church every Wed & Sun, plus participate in all holiday activities/plays; but my parents didn’t attend unless they were watching our play. The church was called Bible Fellowship, and is an independent Baptist church. I have been beaten severely with belts and paddles of all sorts by my mother mostly; but she would also hand it to my stepdad and he would take over. I remember in 4th grade (1988), I had sold enough washcloths to win a Geoffrey the Giraffe paddleball. I practiced all day at school, every chance I got. When I got home from school, I was so excited to show my mom how good I’d gotten at it. She watched, gassed me up about how good I did, and then asked to try. I handed it to her, she ripped the ball & string off, and declared that it was her new paddle.😭💔🤬 My mom would start swinging, and even if we were screaming and bawling, she would just get this rage face & loose her shizzz on us. Wherever it connected was where it connected. She was pretty careful about not leaving marks on any place that wasn’t covered by clothing. Soo many stories I could tell. Things like “the pottyman” when I was only 3yo.😭 I met my current partner in 2016, and a few months into our relationship we were playing and being silly. He had playfully smacked my butt a couple times (not hard at all) and all was fine. Next thing I know, he grabbed my waistband in the back and yanked just a little, like he was insinuating that he was going to spank my bare butt. Although I rationally know that he had no intention of actually hurting me or hitting me or anything like that, I still reacted with fear. I turned around SO fast while letting out a scream, grabbed my pants that hadn’t even been pulled down, and just started bawling. I had no idea that I would respond like that to something so minor and playful. He felt absolutely terrible. He apologized repeatedly, reassuring me that he would never actually hurt me. We’ve been together almost 8yrs now, and I’ve never had any reason to be afraid of him. If anything, he’s the one who has helped heal a lot of my old trauma. I’ve been no-contact with my family since before he & I met, so he’s never seen my narcissistic mother’s head games for himself; and for that, he says he’s glad.
Kendra's experience of having the things that brought her joy taken away is so heartbreaking, I hope that her embarrassment about being a 'horse girl' is not rooted in the trauma and shame of her upbringing, and that maybe she has had a chance to be a 'horse girl' again now that she's safe from that environment.
One of my close friends was in a church that encouraged its members to use the Pearl's To Train A Child book. She used it on her children until she broke free of that church. Another girl (adopted into a family in the church) died after being routinely punished differently than the parents' birth children. She was forced to eat cold left overs and was left in the rain outside. She collapsed in the rain in the dark on a 40 degree night. The parents were charged with murder. The case was out of Sedro Woolley, WA.
I was there. I did not see the church encouraging the book, but the family obviously used it. Was in a Bible study with the mom. She seemed to genuinely want to be a good wife and mother, so finding out what she did just sideswiped me. There was a "perfect obedience" trend in the church circles. This book and others like it ruin family relationships and in this devastating case, takes lives.
Sadly, I used some of these things on my children. Not to the extreme. Never hit a baby! I did spank. Never with a paddle. I have apologized to each of them. I have encouraged each to go to therapy as I have. So glad we have overcome our past. We all have great communication and I love my grandchildren as well. When we know better, and do better, and accept responsibility for our actions we can seek forgiveness.
I was evangelical light when I became a new mom(my kids are 17, 14, & 10 ) and I never followed extreme things but I did follow James Dobson and he had me so freaked out that if I didn't discipline my "sassy rebellious prescooler" they would grow up to be a juvenile delinquent and it would be my fault. I was to nip it in the bud. I did spank the way Dobson coached in his books. I never liked it, it was horrible and even though it happened very infrequently I have apologized to my children and I have told them if they become parents themselves instead of reading "Christian parenting books" please read child development books backed by science/Evidence-based research. children are not these wicked beings just waiting to test their parents, that teaching is so messed up.
I appreciate both of your honesty. I never used the Pearl method, but when my sons were young, I used Gary Ezo 'babywise' book, which is another book that encourages parents to let the babies "cry it out" in order to "learn" to self sooth early. I was around a lot of young parents (my former husband & I were very young parents) who took pride in how quiet their babies were. I hated having my sons cry it out & if I could take it back & not do that, I would. I spent a lot of time in evangelical Christian culture and the 'spare the rod' approach was expected...my former husband & I spanked our sons when they were little & we hated it... always felt wrong, but we were so new at choosing to think for ourselves.... we didn't have the confidence yet, in our early years, to throw that programming away & adopt a new parenting method....thankfully, we are both friends and we have a great relationship with our sons now, who are adults. We talk openly about those years where we now know we inflicted harm onto them and we sincerely apologize and give them space, time & the right to share what their experiences have been and to vent when they need. We are conscious abour repair and strengthening who we are today. I am very thankful for the time to have adjusted our parenting, & teach them to trust their gut intuition. Trust when they feel something this off and have the courage to openly articule it.
You guys are brave to be so open and honest. These comment sections can be daunting! Thank you though... I needed to hear this. I've made so many mistakes with my now almost 12 year old, still do sometimes. And every day I try to unlearn those behaviours conditioned within me and be better for her.
That's religious people for you. It doesn't take much critical thinking to realize that maybe beating a defenseless child is not okay, doubly so when said child is utterly dependent on you and you are their whole world. Sadly, if someone believes in an imaginary friend in the sky, even that iota of critical thinking is evidently beyond them.
I cannot even begin to imagine the longterm psychological damage to these children, being beaten even as babies by their “caregivers” for crying. What destruction that must cause to the longterm ability to form healthy bonds with others, much less to ever feel securely safe or loved.
This was so upsetting. I was raised in a Pentacostal cult and this video is making me realize how much I'm still affected. What a strong woman. She's amazing.
What vile pos hits a baby? I've heard some things about those monsters, but not that. It's sickening! What would posses an adult to do that to a baby? Truly revolting!
The Pearls are truly two of the most evil people on the planet, I get the argument that Debbie is also a victim but she's helping abuse vulnerable women and children and bragged about yanking on her tiny baby's hair when she bit her during breastfeeding. You stop being a victim when you become an abuser. But when you have 14 kids, its easier to beat them into submission I guess
@@lemsip207 that's pretty much how I felt about it too with my kids. Sharp teeth seem to be a fine sign to move on from breastfeeding. It was no stress for either of mine, they were also starting to eat some solids around then, there was no apparent hunger or drama around it and we still had loads of years of cuddles
@@newgabe09 I think they are under pressure to keep breast feeding until the child is two years old and not because they want to keep their weight down. I hated the thought of one day breast feeding until it came back into fashion in the 80s. I think I was on solids from six months as well. I went straight from breast to sippy cup as I could sit up by then. No bottle.
@@lemsip207's not really a sign they need to be weaned, although it's okay to wean them (but then use formula, as babies are too young to be off breast and bottle at 4 or 5 months when the teeth start coming.) It just means that the baby is teething. I found it very simple to train mine not to bite. I jumped and screamed, scared them! 😅 Or if it wasn't that painful that I had that reaction, I'd end the meal for the moment. Very natural consequence. Didn't have an issue with any of my kids.
My parents didn't use this book, but they used corporal punishment. It caused sexual problems at a staggeringly young age, resulting in me becoming addicted to masturbation by no older than age 10, but it was probably even younger than that, and also developing sadomasochistic kinks before I even turned 12. My parents of course had no idea, but I remember knowing inherently that what I was experiencing, physiologically, was something no child should ever be subjected to. It was utterly humiliating, and I would often storm off to my room, after it was done, and scream my lungs out in rage until I ran out of breath. Even if it happened to a sibling and not myself, I would do the same thing. One day I didn't even wait until I was in my room, and my anger frightened my mother so intensely that she began to cry. She said I looked like I was ready to kill her. To this day, I consider it an act of divine intervention that I never said the words "I hate you" to my mother. My parents eventually stopped using corporal punishment, and it has never happened to my three youngest siblings. I can't help thinking part of the reason why is me. I don't know *what* my relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, would be like today if they had continued.
Oh I did say l I hate you “ to my mother after a beating….and she grabbed me and beat me again. Psychological , emotional, and physical abuse…nit spankings ( gotbyhose at school for an undiagnosed learning disability) but beatings with a belt , her hand or “switch” ….she broke my nose once but that’s the only broken bones.
Same. My childhood was the same as you describe. Except mine didn't stop. Whenever I have the misfortune of speaking to my mother, i, at 43 years old, still tell her how much I HATE HER.
I went to one of these seminars and by the end of it I was the only one sitting at my table because I kept asking questions that went against this crap. Come to find out, they implemented this ideology in the church daycare that I was about to put my child in. The pastor refused to meet with me when I expressed major concern. Needless to say, my daughter never went to that daycare and I’ve been screaming about the abuse in this book and these institutions.
It is not embarrassing being a horse girl, I was and still am even thought I am well over 50. I am so sorry that all of that happened to you and that they sold your horse. When I was in school I was bullied and the horses saved my mental health. It is to me very hard to understand how it can be ok by law to abuse children and peopel. Thanks for letting us know
They do get to determine how they are. Wanting to discount what they have to say about their own experience is a control issue on your part. Maybe take some time to determine why you're compelled to do so. And no, I'm not condoning nor condemning their raising. That's for them to do.
I had a friend who was sexually abused by a male family friend for a period of time when she was four and she also says she's fine and it hasn't affected her. Soooooo. Children can survive a lot (orphaned, war zones, famine) but that doesn't mean it was a good practice.
@@spirals73 yeah well when they use their assumptions about their current state of being -- which frankly most people are not very good at self reflecting and hide a lot from themselves -- to promote abuse and physical punishment, just fuck them honestly.
Because she was referring to the kids killed under the Pearls’ toxic teachings, I think she did mean capital punishment-she mentions states in which it’s legal.
@@queenmotherhane4374 I'll listen to it again. I just can't imagine there's any state where it's actually legal to have capital punishment meted out by parents.
I just Googled this : capital punishment leads to the death of the punishee. Corporal punishment is punishment for an action. I think both are relevant here but that's just my take on it. Edited to add: there's an article I found from the beginning of this year that says it's still legal to hit children in schools in 19 US states. (I'm English for context and this info is wild to me)
@@KatieM786 capital punishment refers to execution by the state/government, not just any death. So it's not relevant. A child dying at the hands of their parents is not capital punishment. "Corporal" means "body" so it refers to physical punishment specifically, not just any punishment. A time out on the naughty step is not corporal punishment
When she mentioned that her nieces and nephews are being raised like she was... my first thought was immediately "Did she call CPS on her siblings for the sake of her nieces and nephews?"
I'm pretty sure they live in states where corporal punishment is not considered abuse. I've called them in TN for signs of severe physical abuse and nothing happened. It was deemed discipline.
@@tiryaclearsong421TN and the rest of the South is stuck in Europe's Middle Ages mentally and politically. That's why they won't rescue kids, and call abuse discipline ! It's that settler mentality.
CPS may do some good but they are often overburdened with cases and many slip through the cracks. My grandchildren are in a bad environment half the week and cps hasn't done anything as far as I can tell.
I remember hearing about these tactics on Shiny Happy People….people don’t realize that “perfect children” is just a broken spirit and it’s absolutely heartbreaking!! I do gentle parenting, I communicate with my child, and he talks with me and knows he can trust me and shows every emotions because I will always be there for him! He is so much happier than I was as a child because I was afraid of getting in trouble and breaking rules (grew up UPCI) and it affects me even as an adult. And absolutely I agree it drove me right into an abusive relationship with a narcissist and I thought it was normal to submit to that. Thank God I got a divorce, full custody and found a gem of a man.
i was trained as a baby not to cry, my mom bragged to me about it how i never cried never made noise. there are pictures of me as a child where my eyes just look empty and terrified, like the only thing i know to expect is being hurt.
Learned helplessness is one of the concepts I’ve been learning about in my psych classes. When we train children to believe they aren’t in control, that nothing they do has an effect, that they can’t improve or get better, we literally train them to give up. That’s what children who are neglected often do: they give up. There’s no point to making decisions or working harder or even TRYING. It’s heartbreaking and should be called out for what it is: abuse.
Children should not be in control. Able to make choices? Yes. But children deserve to have parents who are willing to be responsible and protective - even if the child does not understand what they are being protected from.
@@Keylimelife I think you’re misunderstanding the concept of learned helplessness. We don’t teach children that they can control EVERYTHING. No one can control everything. Not even adults. I can’t make it stop raining right now or make the car keys that my husband accidentally took to work appear in my purse. But I CAN wait a few minutes for the rain to stop and search for the spare set of keys that I know is somewhere in the house. Kids with learned helplessness believe that there’s nothing they can do to improve themselves of their circumstances. If you tell them they are too stupid or untrustworthy to find solutions, they don’t even try. If you tell them they will never be able to figure out how the works works or make good decisions, they never try. If you tell them they are too stupid to do well in school, guess what? They don’t try. They believe nothing they can do will make a difference. To wit, it’s raining and my husband took my keys this morning. My son needs something up at the school. I can’t walk or ride my bike because lightning kills people all the time here in Florida. I can’t drive because I don’t have keys. Should I give up? No. I looked for the keys. I thought creatively about where they might be. And I found them, even though my husband swears he looked everywhere. Together we combined our different perspectives and I thought of a place he hadn’t. Problem solved. That’s the opposite of learned helplessness. I KNOW that I (and children) can try to think up a different solution than someone else’s. I KNOW that I (and children) are smart and creative AND we can get smarter and more creative when we TRY. Does that make more sense?
Like a lot of adults, I was spanked as a kid (with a wooden spoon). I was a very sensitive child, so it was quite traumatic for me. It's horrifying to imagine how much they would have psychologically damaged me if they followed the Pearls' child abuse manual. My parents were pretty bad at discipline, but at least they weren't intentionally trying to break my spirit and make me fear them.
Me to I was petrified when she went to get the wooden spoon. She would spank me and then tell me to 'get out of my sight'. I hated her for years but through therapy I learned to forgive her. I would never hit a child.
I totally remember that book! 😮 A lady that I worked with gave one to me when she thought that my baby as too "vocal". She had such strange speculations about my little daughter and she thought that I didn't know how to raise my baby properly. I recall she being angry at God because she couldn't have kids at the time and she seemed to be extremely judgemental towards parents who were not super strict with their children. My baby was only about 11 months at the time. I couldn't even read the entire book. I told her that I couldn't agree at all with that book and I was highly offended that she had given it to me!
This video brought up so many hurt feelings about my childhood. I wanted to cry and wanted to comfort the little girl I was. These emotions were so deep inside me and i relived everything. I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.😢
I’m not a licensed therapist, so not sure if this is what you need. But I would suggest journaling your feelings and allowing them to pass through without stifling them. Maybe it was time for it to bubble up and be addressed. Self care! Deep breathing, laughing, dancing and massages are all ways I like to decompress after hard interviews. ❤️
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is a book out their that teaches parents how to abuse their children! Shame on Amazon! The last time I checked, child abuse is illegal! Makes my tummy hurts so bad hearing about this deplorable behavior and book!😢
Me too! I just want to reach throu the screen and hug all these people that have been abused like this. I would never in a million years abuse a child not at all. I don't want kids of my own, but at the same time I could never abuse a child.
My mom's cousin is in prison for child abuse she followed this book and her family was apart of the IBPL she was estranged from our family we learn of her and her husband's arrest on national news it was a big case in Arizona
Wow😮 glad he's in prison. I think anyone using that book should be investigated. I think fundamental Christian parents need cps called on them . Us normal people get called on for less and alot of wrongfully calling.
I Hope her children are with family and not in the foster care gamble. My mom had me taking care of my 3 siblings and 2-3 foster kids at 15. I am ashamed for how abusive I was to all of them. I was young and only had my own upbringing to pull from. Now my mom has 3 adopted foster kids and she is cruel to them. She literally adopted the youngest one so she would care for her developmentally delayed foster sister after my mom dies.
@@waterlily2743 wow that's sad. My heart goes out to you and them children. Poor child. She needs someone loving and caring or she will not ever have progress. That hurts my heart for her.
Not liking having pets is not the sign of a sociopath. I am sorry for this girl’s situation, but she’s making a lot of general claims that are not true . hating animals and hurting them is a sign of a sociopath. I don’t want any pets to have to manage , I can’t afford an animal, but that doesn’t make someone a sociopath. Also, I noticed she mentioned the rest of her family is still involved with the “cult.” Except for her brother. this is an indication that not everybody is unhappy with that upbringing.
I think it’s also abusive that she couldn’t be happier that her son doesn’t have family. Even though her family may say they’re backslidden I don’t have any doubt that they would still love their own grandchild. She hasn’t said they abused anyone, so why not make amends with her grandparents ?
My heart is breaking into a million pieces. You have described my upbringing so succinctly. I’m 72 and still so messed up. My tears are for so many of us.
This experience mirrors mine in many ways. My dad liked "the strong willed child" which was very pro beating kids with belts and didn't consider disabilities. I'm also autistic and have adhd and it's definitely impacted me and I'm grappling with it at 36.
@@SuzetteKathAll these religious narcissist fanatics are beyond belief !! Jesus never said they should act the way they do. Perverts are just using these books as their excuse.
My parents had that book too. I was (and still am) ADHD and bipolar 2. So you can imagine the rod was not spared. Once I took the paddle to the workbench and sawed it in half. Once.
My parents raised me to not have emotions because they didn't want to deal with that stuff. Sort of backfired on them because now they want me to be present in their lives, and have tried guilt-tripping me into having a relation with them, but I remained emotionally detached from them to the point where I'm not even sure if I'll show up to their funerals. I really don't feel much of anything for them at all... Definitely won't bother with caring for them in their old age, which was basically their main reason for wanting a daughter in the first place. Funny thing is that if they had simply focused on being somewhat half-decent parents I probably would be naturally willing to care for them in their old age. Meanwhile I have gotten very close with my in-laws over the years, and can see myself being there for them as they grow older and increasingly need it.
Not sure if this is applicable to your situation, but just in case it resonates: There’s always 3 choices… the ‘wrong’ choice is usually pretty obvious, and typically requires no effort… the ‘justified’ choice is what most people consider the correct option, and tends to require some effort… yet there’s always a higher ‘right’ choice, that demands an investment of energy, so isn’t even a consideration for most people, which is fine & totally ‘justified’ - but the most beneficial results come from rising to the challenge.
@@KaijuSocial I agree with this in some situations, but when dealing with abusive people it's often better to walk away and avoid them entirely. I've seen some of my aunts "rise to the challenge" of taking care of their elderly abusive parents. They just ended up having to deal with the same BS well into their old ages, while they sacrificed countless time and energy to care for their vampires. One of them was 78 when her 94 year old mother died. The abuse lasted until the day her mother died.
Every mum has guilt about not being a good mum all the time, heads up, you can only be the best you, you can be and learn from the worst parts of your own childhood. Remember to love yourself and be kind to you as well as others.
Exactly. Also, bare minimum - don't hit your children. Simple. No minimizing hitting your children by whether or not it was 'soft' or 'hard' or 'on their buttock'. Just. Don't. Seens simple enough. There are other ways to address your kiddos without resorting to hitting then to comply with you. Study early childhood development.
I will just say to parents that if you’ve spanked your kids, it doesn’t make you a horrible mother and there is hope. Parenting is very hard. We need to learn to self regulate and get support, just like our kids do. Studying early childhood development can help, but more so I think therapy and working through our own triggers and trauma. This woman was horribly abused in many many ways. Many a loving mother has spanked their child in frustration or trying to discipline. This book and the systematic abuse it recommends is very different. Hugs to everyone here healing - Moms and adult children.
My mother would jeer, calling me a scared mouse when I cried. When I learned to shut down, she called me a sociopath and a robot. I don't think there was a natural response that would have made her happy.
It's just wild that a parent would not change their interactions with their nerodivergent children when the interaction is harming them. My mom read up on caring for an autistic child when I was diagnosed at 13 and adjusted her behavior.
I'm autistic and so are my kids and grandkids and they are treated differently depending on their type of autism because some are different and they learn very differently too. But we are very close and don't spank. My grandkids were watching this with me and were in shock anyone could do this to anyone let alone a child.
This book is the reason i struggle daily with PTSD and DID. I wish people would wake up and realize this is only gonna break people. Literally break them.
I was raised by drug addicts and have been stunned by the similarities between that and cult childhoods. Kendra is amazing, and such an inspiration - not just as a woman, or single mother, but as a thoughtful, compassionate human being. Thank you both for sharing your stories. The biggest thing that helped me get out was coming to the realization that I wasn’t the crazy one, that what the adults in my life were doing to me and the other children in our family were wrong, and evil and damaging. I can only imagine that there are people who see these videos, hear these stories, and have that ‘ah hah’ moment of realization like I had - that they aren’t the crazy ones. Thank you both.
When she laughs talking about her trauma’s… I feel for her. It’s sad that’s what us adults do as a nervous reaction, it’s just easier to laugh our problems away.
Very true. Some of us start using humour to hide the fact that our parents damaged us. Many of us cut out our toxic family members. And due to various reasons we also end up having to cut out the non-toxic family members. So that they don't give away where you may be living.
I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Paddles, belts, spanking were still in common use even in public school. I am a sensitive person and was already emotionally broken by the time I went to school at 3. No idea all that happened to get me there. I did everything I could to not get in trouble and lived in constant fear. I saw other kids get beaten and it was traumatic for me to see. Still the memories affect me now.
Never forget that Candace Cameron Bure talked about blanket training her kids. This was/is so main stream. Keep speaking up and letting people know this is a huge problem.
She also promotes corporal punishment so there’s that too. Her and her brother are sick. I think true Christians are great; it’s just that I’ve never met one.
I never knew they believed all this I feel bad for their kids cause with now knowing I don't understand how parents can even do anything like this to children that they claim to love.
@KPm397 when you put an infant or toddler on a blanket and try to coax them off the blanket with a toy or treat. When they crawl off the blanket you hit them, usually with some kind of implement. You keep repeating this until they learn to just stay on the blanket. I.e. torture.
There's a Finnish? possibly youtuber who tries to pretend she just likes big families and has well behaved kids. When you can put multiple active, mobile toddlers on mats and leave them there, you used blanket training
I swear children have killed their parents for less offensive Acts, the strength you have shown to be able to endure and then exit without hurting your parents is amazing.. u are so amazing thank u for sharing ur story
My religion was less controlling, but I RELATED SO HARD when Kendra seized the moment to leave when infidelity was revealed. I honestly wished for it when I knew the marriage was over... would have let me leave without any guilt. That's a weird way to live. Ugh.
I hate that all Christians get thrown under the same bus. I still believe the Bible and when I was young… went to Bible college… and asking a professor about divorce and what to do about abuse, physical abuse… pretty much was told that’s not enough to get divorced, but to get the wife to safety… ugh … I divorced. My husband of 21 years choked me … he wouldn’t let go. And several psychological professionals kept asking if I felt safe … I didn’t take the clue … I’m glad I survived him. He was dangerous.
A point about holes in a paddle: not only does it have a whistle when swung, but the extra speed and concentration of force make them hurt worse while having less mass to be less likely to cause lasting physical damage. This is what a retired teacher from the age of corporal punishment explained to me when a collection of paddles was found while helping him move.
My aunt recently died. I am a cry baby. I cry over everything. I sobbed when David Bowie died. But when my sister called and told me my aunt died, I FELT NOTHING. Didn't shed a single tear. She was a horrifically violent woman. When I picture my little, super skinny, little-girl body and the amount of violence she, a large, obese woman, meted out on that little body, it is simply amazing. Getting my hair braided as a little black girl was also a torture, because my hair is extremely coarse and she enjoyed giving me headaches while braiding my hair, the pain was incredible. I would raise my hand to my head when she pulled my hair and she would use a pin to poke my hand away when she was combing my hair. I know that she (and my violent mother) were in turn abused by my grandmother. Thankfully, my own childhood abuse has had the opposite effect on me. I empathize greatly with children. I understand that their developing minds and bodies need love and care, not harshness and abuse. My sister has also managed to raise 3 children without using any violence.
It sounds like a textbook on how to raise a sociopath. It’s physical, psychological and spiritual torture of helpless, innocent babies and children. It is a miracle that anyone has survived. 😢
My parents used corporal punishment on me growing up with wooden spoons or paint sticks, I don’t recall them hitting me but once or twice, but it put enough fear in me to avoid anything that would upset them. All of this stuff coming to light has made me realize that maybe I’m still being affected by experiencing that. My brain is actually invalidating that experience right now because I wasn’t hit as severely as some of my friends.
Sounds like you’ve possibly blocked out some traumatic memories. I hope you have access to a professional to talk to cause this isn’t the sort of thing thats easy to work through alone
@@emilybarclay8831 thankfully I do, I got ALOT to work on, I already know I have trauma from growing up gay in the church, my family ironically sent me to a Christian therapist to “sort out those feelings” when I was 19, but my therapist is very liberal and can do secular therapy. I am VERY lucky.
@@morganmann5366 that’s great to hear. I’m an atheist raised by atheists in a country where religion isn’t really taken seriously outside of a few areas (UK) so I genuinely cannot understand what you and people like you are going through, but I damn well respect it
I had to leave certain Facebook groups that glorified this abd that I joined in good faith originally. I stayed for a while to troll and report such posts to Facebook community standards but to no avail. I eventually left the worst group last autumn.
Yeah I was spanked and slapped when I was a young child, but as me and my siblings got older it stopped. I still kind of feel like "well, it wasn't really so bad" because kids at my school would talk about being hit with belts, and I couldn't imagine that! My parents only ever used their hands.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too. Our stories are so similar I had to double check to make sure we didn't have the same dad 😂. I also was terrorized by my father, and the belt story really got to me. He would come up behind me when I was least expecting it and snap the belt behind my head, just to see me freak out. It was sick. I still have an incredibly high startle response from that. I tried to hang myself when I was 9 but I broke the closet rod and I'm sure you can imagine the punishment I received for that. I wanted out so bad but there was no path as we were so isolated. Makes me nauseous to think about all that, and as triggering as this episode is, I'm glad I watched because it is oddly healing to hear other stories like mine. People need to know this is still happening to children and we are scarred beyond belief. If you're going through this, or you've just escaped this, it can get better. I'm so grateful to be alive now because I also didn't think I'd live to adulthood. It's been a long crawl out of the dark place I came from but the battle to get where I am now was worth it.
Hi Kim, thank you for sharing that. I’m so sorry you went through that as a child. It’s not ok. I hope you are doing much better now ❤️ thanks for watching and supporting
Please don't forget that a person who finds JOY in scaring & harming a child is evil, simply EVIL. These people call themselves good, Christian or whatever, but they serve the dark side.
I've recently gone back to primary care (as a physician) and I'm doing wellness checks on children and expectant mothers and even though I thought I was well aware of domestic violence and abuse, it just hit me that I need to completely undress the children to look for welts and bruises (usually I undress them by parts for modesty's sake) but I need to lift those shirts all the way and check bums and the back of thighs). Thank you for this, it's very eye opening.
Way more than 3 kids died out of this sadistic & twisted method. Kids being molested develop really bad (ie substance abuse, violence, dissociation, PTSD etc.) They are destined to die earlier in harder sufferings. I can’t fathom how fuck*d up adults could do this or even why the Pearl couple was not charged in the first place. Blows my mind. Thank you to the speaker for sharing her story and spot these incredibly cruel ways to « educate ».
Dear ladies, you are so strong and bright. As a survivor of an emotional deprivation "training" as a child I am so grateful for your work and for sharing so many painful personal memories. It does help heal all of us!! You are amazing and so so strong❤
YES !!! Yes! Exactly! We DON'T have to be greatful to our trauma for the people we became! Finally I heard it from someone else too! Thousands of times I've heard the idea that I have to be thankful to my traumatic past .... But I dont! and am not going to! Absolutlely agree with your words - "You dont have to go through trauma to become someone amazing"! thank you!
Absolutely sick and twisted 😢 I was abused as a child when she was talking about the belt sound that so resonated with me. If I hear a belt buckle being undone or a belt cracking I literally get physically sick and start to shake.
"Your father will give you the belt when he gets home" (after she believed her spanks or slaps often across my face weren't enough) was one of my mothers biggest threats and would leave me feeling terrified. (my parents didn't read that book and weren't in a cult).
You are such a perceptive and empathetic interviewer. Even when the stories are incredibly dark, the journey into and out from that feels safer knowing you're guiding it and giving the interviewee all the time they need
I'm 3-4 months away from having to tell my dad that if he ever lays an unkind hand on my child, he will be dead to me. I'm not having my children abused like my sisters and I were. We didn't even have it as bad as a lot of people, but what did happen isn't going forward.
This woman is amazing. Her childhood sounds absolutely horrific. She broke the cycle and provided a healthy environment for her own son to grow up in and that is truly inspirational.
My child is first generation abuse free. I am lost when she complains that life is so hard for her. I can't help but say that so many kids have very painful lives. She should find joy in gratitude. Yet she doesn't know how it feels to be afraid of the adults in your life. It's a complication I face as an abuse survivor. I do try to be compassionate and learn about life from her point of view. I also left my entire family behind to keep my child safe. I wish she had a big family to learn from and to lean on. All she has on my side is a traumatized mom. All we can do is try to learn and find joy in the little wins. Great interview. Really hit home.
It's ok to share your experience with her so she can learn about the reality in which she doesn't live and at the same time she can be more understanding of your struggles too. Because it's important that she understands she is misbehaving and it's a bad thing.
You are a cycle breaker. That is the hardest thing to be. While not raised with to train up a child, I had an extremely emotional and physically abusive mother, and so much of what you said hit home with me. I had to stop a few times but I watched all the way through because it was important to hear I was not alone in some of the horrors I went through as a kid I am so so proud of you for breaking the cycle - its the hardest thing one can do in life is to break down all that trauma and be better than the ones that came before us. Let go of that guilt if you can - you did better because you sought out better. We're not perfect but I am so so proud of you! I know reliving this stuff can be tough - thank you for being vulnerable and honest here. Know that it will make a difference to so so many. I .
