10 changes (you might not love) that TRANSFORMED our tantrums! 

Recently watched a video where the mom, in order to help her daughter take some deep breaths, said “Smell the flowers, then blow out the candles”. Implemented that with my toddler and it is crazy how it helps deescalate a tantrum💁🏽‍♀️

Our daughter is almost 2 and she loves animals and has started to hate brushing her teeth. The ultimate game changer for us was acting like there are a ton of animals in her mouth that need to be cleaned out. „Oh I hear a Lion siting on the back side of your teeth. Where is he? Let me see?” She opens her mouth in a second and giggles. Then we roar when we got the lion. “What is else there?” “An elegant?” She laughs all the time and the 2 minutes go by in no time. And every time she doesn’t like to brush her teeth we start with the animal noises and she is happy to clean all the animals out 😂

Today I felt that I was getting triggered and I said, “I’m feeling frustrated.” Then my 2.9 year old sang me the song from Daniel Tiger “when you’re feeling frustrated take a step back and ask for help.” Then I asked HER for help and she WAS HAPPY TO HELP. Got that tip from the Angela Santomero book “Preschool Clues” she created Daniel Tiger’s neighborhood, blues clues, super why… those shows always ask the a audience for help. Little kids are natural helpers. My daughter has learned so much from Daniel Tiger and so have I, as a parent, modelling Mom and Dad Tiger. We play out the scripts often and sing the songs in relatable situations.

My child is 2 1/2 and something that works when I start to feel frazzled is to softly sing one of her favorite songs. It helps keep me calm and I feel like it helps calm her because if Mom is calm enough to sing in the situation then it can’t be that bad!

My 2.5 year old toddler was whining and crying and screaming at me as I was trying to put away groceries and I took a breath, ready to lose my mind on him, and instead I asked “bud, do you need a hug?” And he said yes, my heart literally melted.

My little trick with my 1.5year old is to set my alarm with a cool Disney song that means its time to get ready to leave for daycare/preschool. He loooves it, hes so into it he runs to get his shoes and jacket and bring me my shoes 😊. So nice to have all of your tips in one place! I have been practicing at least half of them 😁

🙌 🙌 Understanding your kids individual personality. There is so much merit behind the 4 general personality types! The toddler whisperer uses a different name for each, I am an advocate for the "4 temperaments" (Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic, Phlegmatic). But in a nut shell, dated back several hundred years, personality can be characterized by these 4 different temperaments! Typically, every human is considered to have two of the 4, a primary and a secondary. Learn yours, learn your spouse's, and learn your children's, and 90% of conflict in a home can be resolved just by understanding each other!

One thing you "totally missed" as you told me to say..is REPHRASING (better still, injecting playfulness with it) instead of INSTRUCTION that really helps my strong willed 3 year old. Instead of "Please put on your shoes.", "Your shoes are saying I'm hungry hungry! Give me your feet, feed me feed me!". From gently asking to meltdowns and FRUSTRATIONS when I try to "help her, when I do that, she smiles and almost runs to do things. More examples, "Shower head is saying, let me wash you!" "Toothbrush is saying I want to get into your mouth!". I think playfulness is underrated in parenthood. It's HARD when I'm tired and getting annoyed with whining but more often than not, it HELPS! I agree to say YES more but from people who are wondering, what if I REALLY CAN"T in the moment. "Mama, can you play with me?" while you are in the middle of cleaning up after lunch. Instead of "No.", "Yes! I can't wait to play with you after I finish cleaning!" then use the timer 😊 We do a lot of things similarly and I love to be reminded or all these things. You do SO well with staying calm. I find that the older she gets, the more I forget that she is actually still REALLY young and my patiences seem to be A LOT less. Just a reminder..our toddlers are still babies! Brains not fully developed! BIG hugs to all moms! You guys rock!

Love these!!! So hard to be calm. Definitely involves taking care of ourselves first which is one of the hardest parts of being a mom.

You had me until bag-gel 😂 my oldest is 27 months so we’re just starting this phase

“I can see that you are feeling (insert feeling here, like frustrated/disappointed/upset/etc), let me know when you ready to talk about it” is a phrase we use A LOT. I find this phrase helps name and acknowledge the feeling, gives my 3 year old time to sit with that emotion and know that I am here to talk things through.

My kid is 2.5 and he is like your sister and has been his entire life. Biggest problem I have with it is when other people are around and want us to comfort him or not put him in his room to calm down. We get a lot of judgement from our family and friends who think every kid just needs a "time-in" or to be comforted when they're upset, and just, not every kid responds to that. He really needs his calm down time. It can sound like he is being tortured, but any acknowledgement of his behavoir, or attempts to comfort him in the moment just make it worse. We just have to be the eye of the storm and wait for it to pass, then he wants comfort.

2 years and some change over here. Acknowledging is so helpful with emotions, too. Naming the feeling for them, or now I ask if he is sad or upset, that gives them an idea of how to handle it. My boy actually came over to me one morning that I got frustrated and teary over being later than I wanted to be, he said, "Mama's sad, let's do bubble breaths and a hug." So cool to see him recognizing and having a strategy for those feelings. We role play with stuffed animals having different feelings to get more practice, too. And you definitely hit it with predictably. It sets up a comfortable space when they know what is most likely happening next.

We trued Hiya, my kis qill NOT eat them. Even tried the drink mix, nope. Its blue, i tried to tell him it qas blue berry water... Now he wont drink water from his blue cup. Ugh Most of thebother things do qork for us. I get worked up and i beed to be better about regulating that. Great tips!

I would like to add one that I find works very well with us. When denying them something they want, or trying to get them to do something that is needed (like not eating too much sugar, brushing their teeth etc.), say it calmly and explain the reason honestly. Sometimes I may even use words or concepts that they don't know yet, but it feels like they understand your intention is good and appreciate you took the time to explain. I have a 1 and a half and a 3 and a half and this helps a lot with the older one, not yet as much with the younger 😊

we're in a tough spot right now. my 21 month old son only says about 5 words and his tantrums are increasing when we leave the house or do anything social. I can't wait for the day he can communicate with me

I noticed that when my little isn’t well rested he’s extra tantrum prone. Great tips and I definitely need to slow down and allow more time more often!

After a meltdown my daughter was still upset but enjoying a juice while resting.. and then started saying "**** I'm crying, ***** I'm crying" and all she wanted was people to say "I see you I know you're crying" all it took to get her to move on 😊 she's 3.. I also give her the option to take a break, which for her means to go into another room and scream, this is lnt enforced or a time out its just an option to go and have her moment away from people of she chooses too..

A book that has helped me so much is "good inside." It is a parenting book and the psychology helps you with any relationship too. (the most important tip is that everyone is good inside and that thought can change the way you approach other people)

I don't comment on things often, but I just feel so validated in my parenting watching this video. These are all things I have done and help me and my toddler get along. And really enjoy our time together. Of course we have our moments of meltdowns because that's life. But I'm just glad to know I'm doing something right and doing something that's written in books and other people agree with. ❤️

My 14 month old laughs when I say the word "No" so...love that for me. 😂 Love these suggestions! 👏

My toddler LOVES Hiya!!! Fun fact ☝🏼 You can request what flavor you want in your bottle. Every month we only get pink because that’s the flavor my daughter loves the most. She happily chews them everyday 🎉❤!

Super strong willed 3 year old here. I second acknowledgement! That's the BIGGEST but currently as I stepped up, my challenge stepped up too. Currently having a rather hard time with almost zero time for myself due to my husband being on crutches and unwell. My girl wakes up upset most days. Then she screams to be carried but when I hold my hands out, she will run away and say no carry and when I walk away to do something she will scream and cry carry and it’s just very triggering and exhausting. When I try to carry, she will say “just one hand!” And then “the other hand!”, yes!, no!, I want a toy!, I want a toy!. And by then I am so frustrated, I will say “I’m counting till three and if you won’t let me carry, I will go make breakfast.” Followed by HUGE screaming meltdown. If I give her what she wants, a toy, 2nd toy, 3rd toy, somehow she calms down. I noticed if I become playful, it usually ends quite quickly and stop it before it begins but when I am ALREADY exhausted, it’s SO triggering. Anyone experienced/experiencing similar toddler? It ALSO helps that I STAY calm but IT'S. SO. HARD.

Is telling your kid germs are bad guys going to cause them to have OCD around germs? Idk just thinking out loud here 😅

I have a 2 year old. What has been helpful and worked well for her is my husband and I remain as calm as possible. Almost robotic. We affirm her feelings but put up boundaries. We sit with her until she's ready to calm down. She doesn't do well with being by herself or ignored. Once she is ready to calm We hold her and let her cry and calm down. Once she is calm we acknowledge her feelings again and talk her through what happened. We hug and kiss and it's over. Just being there helps her knowing we are a calm safe space for her. I think you're number one tip is what is most helpful for us with her! She's a really emotional intense child. Thus has helped us to calm the storm as quickly as possible.

Love this! My son is almost 2.5 and just starting to get into the thick of some tantrums and very sassy talk. There are often big shifts if I give him a hug and say I’m here what do you need from me. Hope that could be helpful!

I read several books on toddler management, including the first you recommend. Here is what works for my 17-months old: - Breathing deeply. I get down to his level, hug him (if he lets me) and start breathing very deeply: long breath in and long breath out... He starts to mimic my breathing, and it calms him down within seconds. But this does not always work. - Distraction. It only works with smaller children like mine, as the experts from "The whole brain child" book do not recommend distraction with older children, as it means ignoring their emotion. - Physical play. Lifting your child, doing an airplane with him around the room or anything involving physically engaging his body. Its hard to remember your tantrum when there is physical play. - Repeating the boundary that you know he understands: "It is not yours", "It is papas, not yours". 17-months old is in the age where he knows that some things are his and some things are not his. We set a clear distinction between "mamas", "papas", and his. Even when he throws a tantrum when I do not let him touch "mamas closet with spices", he quickly calms down after I repeat the boundary: "It is mamas closet. Not yours. Close it now". However, it's important to be firm with your boundary and consistent. Otherwise, it leads to big tantrums as the child cannot understand why sometimes he can play with something and sometimes not. - Removing the child. In all the books I have read, they say you cannot expect a small child to behave like you would expect an adult or older child. Everything is an exploration for them, everything is play. More often than not, you need to simply remove the child from the "thing" and repeat your boundary, even if it gets exhausting and repetitive. - Trying to avoid saying "no" all the time because you just teach them to ignore it. In the book "Positive discipline", the authors argue that we say "no" too often without any consequences or simply to stop them from doing something, even when we know our child will continue and not stop. First of all, you teach your child to say "no". Second, she hears it so often that she does not take it seriously. You need to try to keep the "no" for very serious cases, like when he is about to touch electricity of a hot stove and you are too far to get to her on time. So here is what you do instead. 1) If your child is about to do something (open a closet, drop a basket, splash water everywhere), ask yourself: do I really need to say "no"? Or can I let her explore, even though it means clean up after? Is it putting her at risk or is this just normal exploration? 2) You should also never say "NO" unless you can carry out a consequence or a lesson or model a desired behavior. Just shouting "NO" and not doing anything about it is only shows your child that you do not mean it. You might as well just shut up and say nothing if you are not going to follow through. 3) Instead of saying "No", give them a "yes" alternative. For example, when my toddler is not hungry anymore, he sometimes starts to throw food on the table or the floor. I firmly take his hand and stop him and say: "Food is for eating, not throwing. We put food in our mouth to eat". Sometimes he puts it in his mouth after. But if he tries to throw it again, I stop him again and say: "It looks like you are in the mood to throw things. Let us find you a ball to throw". Interestingly, since I stopped saying "NO" all the time, he actually listens to me when I do say "NO" in more serious cases. It startles him so much that he stops what he is doing and looks at me.

Mine's almost 2. In addition to trying most of these, another thing that's worked for us is a short, easy explanation of why something is happening. For example, she refuses to take her shoes off. I'll say, "Shoes are for outside. We don't wear shoes in the house." Sometimes it's that easy. (Sometimes it's not, haha, but worth trying). One more, I find she's more likely to cooperate if I appeal for help. If she refuses to put her jacket on, I'll say, "I need help, I need to put your jacket on to keep you warm. How can I do that? Can you help me?"

I have a 2.5 year old and she definitely responds to different tactics depending on if it’s me or my husband there. With me, getting on her level, asking her if she wants a hug, affirming what she’s feeling and offering a solution to whatever is triggering the tantrum usually works. My husband can’t reason with her on the other hand. It never works because she won’t even listen to him lol. What he does that works (for now) is do a random silly thing-like break out in a silly dance-to get her to focus on him, this usually distracts her, she stops crying and then he can talk to her. 😅

One thing I discovered that works with my almost 2 year old for transitions is telling him to say “bye bye, see you later” to whatever he’s currently playing with. Sometimes he’ll even blow a kiss to it too. Instead of me just picking him up and taking him away from the toy / play area.

My advice to prevent tantrums is not to just say "don't do x,y,z", but to give an alternativ along. Because when they do something their mind is set to do this now and it is difficult to think of something else.

Random Q but where did you get your vest?!

This was SO helpful. Thank you so much!! So true about the time thing- it is so much more difficult to remain calm & understanding for your babies when you are in a rush. We have an almost 2 year old & 2 week old and I have referred to your videos so many times this week lol. I was curious do you have any videos on what naps look like for your bed sharing babies? Thinking ahead already but my newborn bed shares & in a few months i’d love to get in a routine of her taking some naps by herself so I can spend one on one time with my toddler! Thanks shayla for all your motivating & supportive content! 💗✨

Also love the book hunt gather parent and the book how to raise upright kids in an upside down world by dr. Ray

Hiya is great! Started them in the summer before my first started kinder and he just now got sick instead of right away. I’m giving the credit to the vitamins because we’re hermits and aside from his therapies, we’re not around a ton of people lol. He’s picky about food, taste and texture and he loves these! They remind me of the old school flintston vitamins. By that I mean there’s a hint of a hint of the flavor in them lol. But they’re great, easy to chew compared to the hard gummies and got my 2 year old daughter to start taking them and she always signs more after eating hers🤣

So my daughter is 22 months. And she’s in the stage of throwing everything. How do you handle that without losing your cool? Also, where can you get the visual timer at?

Look up the "physiological sigh" and teach it to your kids. It's the fastest way to lower the heart rate and bring you back to a state of calm. Also an amazing tool for parents

My first one is emotional 3 years old right now and it’s been really hard for me; my second is 1 and the determined and she’s so wild but the emotional is much harder for me

I literally do all these things and they work 60% of the time 😅

Being the calm is such a major (and tough) part of parenting!

This is super helpful! My 2 year old daughter has a strong preference for me over my partner, and she has a meltdown when my partner wants to put her to bed or feed her(“I want mommy!”) and it’s like she cant hear or process any other thought till I come in and take over. Any tips on how to handle this?

Thank you for this video! So many helpful tips 🙏🙏🙏

I love your videos ❤ I always take something away to try with my daughters and try to demonstrate to my husband. I would love if can you so a video about getting family on board... grandparents, spouses (older generation)

LOVE this video! Thank you! I have an almost 3.5 year old and I do most of these things but was a great reminder and seeing what works for someone else.

Definitely watching this now while my son is 4 months old trying to prepare myself for when he’s a toddler 😂🙌 Great tips! I think Raising Good Humans is a really good book for this kind of thing too 😊

This couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you ❤

Love it!! You’re always giving the best practical advice Shayla!!

THANK YOU! I have been pulling my hair out with my 2.5-year-old for months now! I started my motherhood journey out with all the best intentions and it was all going well until about two months before my second baby was born. I don't know what happened. It's like my son just changed from one day to another. At first I thought it might just be a transition and I dealt with it fine. But then birth and the post-partum phase and having a new born..... I have definitely lost my patience and screamed at him too many times 😢 For months now I have been running in circles trying to reel him in, all while having a baby attached to me in one way or another. He yells so much because that's what he's used to from me now 😢😢😢 I cry so much, wondering if I have ruined my relationship with him... I will try all of these because I want my sweet little big boy to know and feel that I love him! And I want to re-open our line of communication and be gentle and caring with him again!❤❤❤❤

Love your parenting book recommendations

My daughter was the one that needed to be alone to have a tantrum and then she’d come back in a better mood. My son who is 2 is a whole different person. Sometimes he needs to be alone and sometimes he needs a hug and guided breathing. We’ve started using a visual timer for bedtime and it’s helped so much! He also has a picture chart to do list and at the end of the day he moves pictures from to-do to done if he did them. He likes doing that with dad.

Young 2 year old son here. Whenever he just skips to being frustrated and whiny trying to get my attention, I take a knee. And he stops complaining and almost laughs at how easy it was to get me to listen. And I explain on his level what the deal is (I’m cooking, maybe play with your legos?!?) and it’s like over. Usually. But getting eye to eye is huge. Staying calm cannot be overstated either.

First of all I want to say thank you very very much!!! I will try all of them. We are all having the toughest time of our lives with my 2 years and 3 months toddler, who is not just entering the terribles 2 but also became a big brother 3 months ago 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

These are all good! I like saying "I'll wait until you're ready." This is more of a pre-tantrum strategy, but something about it works 9 times out of 10 in under a minute. Probably because they feel like they're in control then.

Loved, loved LOOOOVED this. ❤

This is so helpful. Thank YOU!

What an awesome mom you are

Say what you mean!!! 👏🏼👏🏼

Loved this video! Any advice on tantrums when I leave the room? My 13 month old is super clingy at home, when i move out of the room she will be hysterical. Will telling her mommy will be right back and validating her feelings help this stop?

What age can you start using a timer? These tips are so helpful, thank you!

I absolutely appreciate so much how you've been big on how we can work on OURSELVES to help our little beings and situations. Not constantly blaming the little person learning for "just being a toddler ". You're approach helps me much, and gives me ideas how look up other advices to guide me to guide my children ( 18 month, and almost 3 year old). Giving choices and giving myself ALOT time to get out the door helps me insanely . I do follow your other advices (when learning them from your podcast or was already doing them) but these 2 I would recommend to anyone... oh and SNACKS! My issue I'm having now, that no matter what I try to do, is when he wants to leave to go for a bike ride or walk, and I say no (because i need to do something outside) just keeps at it. I try choices , playing, involving and simply going back inside but he's so stuck on going he just runs towards the road or throws a tantrum. I don't usually seek advice like this on any social platform. But I'm so desperate for any ideas or advice. I'd be very thankful for some help from someone 🙏. Keep being such a positive ,amazing momma! Love your videos, huge hugs!❤

One of your best videos ever, so succinct, helpful, and absolutely true!! You rock so much for putting this good energy and information into the world! 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵