Wondering if YOU had a relationship with a narcissist? Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
What would you say when he says to get out of his house, turns off your phone, take his car back and tell you to never see him again...😂 so you'll lose a high value narcissist😂😂😂
I dealt with a covert narcissist for 14 yrs because we had a child. He was home with him while I was working and was apparently telling him to only listen to him etc and would interrupt any time me or other family were bonding. He would withdraw love and/or constant talking to so he learned to follow and mimic his dad. I was so beaten down I was a mess. Unfortunately, my child is still under his spell.
@Sheila-G I think you're missing a lot of the story and only focusing on the parts that make you sound right. Otherwise, why would a father want his kids to listen to other people besides himself 🤔. I wouldn't want my kid to listen to other people. They puck up bad habits and do stupid stuff all because I didn't prevent it. You want your kid to listen to the town drunk, the village idiot or the murderer down the street? Or if you had a daughter the town s!ut?
1. I’m not responsible for your feelings 2. I’m not going to do what you want 3. I don’t agree with you 4. I need some alone time 5. I’ve already made my decision 6. That’s not acceptable behavior 7. I trust my own judgment 8. I deserve respect 9. I don’t need your approval 10. This conversation is over
My favorite was: I'm not going to continue telling you no. I will not have sex with you. I'm done. Goodbye. And don't come back. It's been a great year without my particular narcissist. 😊
Thank you Christina, always love your content. Here is the list 1. I'm not responsible for your feelings 2. I'm not going to do what you want. 3. I don't agree with you. 4. I need time to myself. 5. I've already made my decision 6. That's not acceptable behavior 7. I trust my own judgment 8. I deserve respect 9. I don't need your approval 10. This conversation is over
Any time you try to take control of the convo or responsibility for yourself they feel entitled to gain back that control and will tantrum to do that. Even if they complain later about being expected to meet your needs. Or punish you for having them, like “I need time to myself.”
I started saying, “oh, okay,” not like what was happing was acceptable but that this phrase let know I hear you, but I don’t have a reaction. I was dating a malignant borderline which is much like a NRC, but with anti social behavior. It was very hard to break the trauma bond but getting educated on the cycle and taking notes and keeping a journal can be super helpful. What’s the worst thing is that when I tried to leave, and leave I did several times, I was physically attacked. Call the police on these people when they rage on you, make sure they know that they will not get away with being violent. People, get out and save yourself.
@@roadtrip808 hahaha I’m imagining using those words and I’m laughing at the thought of it. It makes me think of when they try and to “word salad” us and then they NEVER give a break or wait for a response. Did you experience that? When they talk and the veins start popping out of their neck and they don’t take a breath and then somehow are able to talk for tens of minutes and never care to hear feedback?
"I know what you mean". That's what I began using when I realized they were feeding off of my reactions. That either want you to give an answer that accepts their view that they are trying to force on you, OR they want you to fight back - either way, it gives them the power. They know that you NEED them to change their minds, to understand you, to accept/forgive you and to validate you - so if you just let that go and don't need to explain yourself to them, you take away all of their power. The truth and what's fair is not dependent on their ability to understand and accept it. Once you start thinking this way, it helps you to not get caught up in their irrationality. Fair is fair, and the truth is the truth. Saying things like "I know what you mean" works really well with a narcissist (unless they are violent like you mentioned) because it doesn't give them any satisfaction. You aren't arguing, you aren't trying to change their mind, and you aren't getting upset or reacting, but you also aren't accepting anything they are saying. You are just neutrally taking in the information they are relaying to you and tossing it aside. Since you aren't arguing and are staying very stoic, they don't know how to deal with it - they will eventually get frustrated though and will realize that they can't even accuse you of being the problem like they've done before (though they will probably accuse you of being "confusing" - aka "I don't know how to push your buttons anymore"). It's usually at this point though where they realize they've lost control and will start getting pretty egregious with their manipulation tactics, throwing differing strategies at you in rapid succession. They'll say you're confusing and accuse you of being awful then storm off and give you the silent treatment, then they'll pout and say they miss you when they realize the silent treatment didn't work...but if you reach out, they'll give you the silent treatment again. Then they will start smearing your name to other people to try to get you to confront them. Then when that doesn't work, they'll revert back to saying they miss you again, etc. and this repeats over and over. This went on for months. I finally let my guard down and reached out to them one night when they had my friend tell me they wanted to talk to me - they immediately turned on me and said "I CHANGE MY MIND - I DON'T NEED THIS ROLLER COASTER ANYMORE!" All I did was laugh and say "I know what you mean".
! ALWAYS take into account the level of psychopathy in this particular narcissist. If it is high, you can end up dead a few moments after saying these words to them. If you realise that you are dealing with a narcissist, try to end up the conversation as politely as you can and leave a.s.a.p. Your main goal is to save your life and protect your sanity. You can never have a reasonable conversation with someone who is unreasonable anyway.
I agree with this. I feel like a lot of these responses could be like adding more fuel to the fire. Instead of resorting to other manipulation tactics, I treat them like someone very unsafe and my main priority is to get away.
The biggest thing that shut my Narc mother down was when id finally had enough the day she tried to guilt trip me into guilt tripping my sons (grown) into making them call her more. I told her that HER relationship with HER grandkids is HER responsibility not mine. I just kept repeating " Just because someone is born doesn't mean they own anyone anything. Just because your grandchildren were born, does not mean they owe you a damn thing for existing. Just because i was born doesnt mean i owe YOU anything. " Had to say it several times. Its been months since ive heard from her 🤷♀️😅
Since I rarely speak to my narcissistic mom,who lives next door lol, I don't get guilt trips about my daughter not making efforts to talk to her. Sometimes I feel bad because my daughter is the only human I've ever seen my mom has genuine love for and unfortunately my daughter has grown up watching the things my mom has done and said about others that my daughter loves besides me,my grandmother, my aunt, my ex wife who helped raise my daughter and my mom loved as long as she could use and manipulate her to get to me etc. My child is extremely observant and has little patience for drama or games and she's 17 now but she has had an impressive backbone for years. I'm jealous of her resolve often. But im extremely proud of the kid I've raised.
Is she the Narcissist? Or is this family cruel alienation? I wanted my mother to be a grandmother. When you've grown up without grandparents you would understand. I've seen great families with all Uncles, Aunts, Grandparents etc. it's great for the kids to grow up with all points of view.
This is very common in my family. They expect me to be an extension of them. And though by marriage or DNA, on paper, I'm connected. But not in reality. Not my reality. This neighbor, an in-law escalates his attempts to make contact and he hit me.
“I need some alone time” was fighting words to my narc. He’d get SO MAD, then when I came back from my alone time, he expected to be treated like a saint for being “so cool” with it 😆 He acted like a 45 minute break to read was the same as me abandoning him in the woods.
Mine was the opposite. Multiple times through the short relationship, when I asked for space so I could think about things, he would immediately start hoovering. It worked a couple of times, but after about six months of chaos, I dumped him.
Absolutely. Mine was trying to bully me into watching TV with him when he had been a whiny screamy tool all day, I told him he wasn't going to get what he wants by being everything he hates about his father, that shut him right up and I got some peace
My soon to be ex husband would refuse to let me have any space when i asked, he would lock me in my room for hours to prevent me from having any time to myself to escape a verbal attack from him and then somehow he flips that around and says Im being abusive by giving him the “silent treatment” yikes…
I know that all too well. I just learned to walk away, and keep busy in another part of the house. Sometimes, unfortunately, you can’t avoid it. He blows up, and starts smashing stuff for stupid reasons. And none of it is anyone else’s fault but his own. And it’s never his fault he acts like a 2 year old. We are all constantly walking on eggshells, and the grenade still goes off, although no one has stepped on it.
@@ginahorvath9663 so true.. “the grenade still goes off.” I noticed you said “he.” I’m dealing with a “she” and I can still relate to everything you said.
This is all very situational advice mind you. My ex was not only extremely narcissistic, he was physically and mentally abusive. I was with him for almost 20 years and I was beyond broken. Saying any of these lines made him retaliate and made my life absolute hell. It depends on your circumstances and the individual. Some people will go to great lengths to get what they want.
This, these phrases do not help one be safe in a situation where leaving immediately is not an option or safety isn't guaranteed. This all could be dangerous advise to the wrong person.
Did better than I did. I pretended to get along with mine for two years while planning an escape and then left without a word and blocked the whole family's phone numbers.
The key to defeating the narcissist is to convey that you don't give a damn. Don't let the words affect you. Show them that they have no effect or influence on your life whatsoever or your feelings and emotions. Just smile and give them answers that are irrelevant to what they are discussing, and it will drive them insane. Always remember to keep smiling also while doing so, that will drive them out of their minds.
I was the proverbial submissive wife - quiet, everybody's servant, overly helpful, always saying sorry for things that weren't my doing. It was how I was raised. To always be the good girl. To do whatever was needed to keep the peace. Grey rock and ownership were my salvation. I now take firm, unrepentant ownership over my feelings, decisions, and actions. I don't need their permission or agreement to be myself. They can either fall in step with me as I journey through life, or they blaze their own trail. I don't care which.
I couldn't agree more. I have a narcissistic neighbor who goes below the belt with each encounter. She tries to drag me into her web with nasty veiled insults. I refuse to "play her game." She will not steal my joy. ❤
I worked for a pair of narcissists. I've used basically every one of these phrases with them, and they melt down exactly the way you describe. I even filled a formal complaint about one of them detailing patterns of abuse and misconduct. They fired me, then realized their fragile egos led them to make a decision that almost crippled their business. They begged me to come back, and had the nerve to tell me I needed to beg for my job back. I told them to get lost and never contact me again. To this day, they still try to tell me I need to come in and do work for them. It blows my mind how they can't understand the very simple concept that they do not own other human beings.
I’ve used these methods and it created a narcissistic injury. They then spent most of their time doing covert bad behaviors, created issues in the home, started rumors, gossip, said I was wrong ETC. it was a constant power struggle, I isn’t allow them to create power struggles and to your point, stood my ground. Drove them batshit crazy. To your point, acted like an adult child.
I've used these methods too but I can add one. "You do you, boo" - it's not saying that they or me are wrong, it's just stating a preference. Or, "I don't feel comfortable doing that for you". That will cause a reaction for sure but then I'm coming back with, "you do you, boo" - LOL. It works.
I understand all that as when i began to " handle" the abusive outbursts and manic behaviour, he simply changed his approach, into something more unaccetpable like havjng sex with vulnerable patients in his care.. ( he was sa cked from his employment) eventuall I had to leave him...
@@socrates123ish I agree - I've been out of 'that' marriage for over 20 years because I saw very early on how weird it was and how one-sided it was - I didn't come from that and knew I wasn't staying. But there are people (either at work or in other groups) where there are narcs within the groups of people where I like the others a lot - you can keep the narcs at a distance by almost having an indifferent mindset.
I've been dealing with my covert narcissistic husband of 28 yrs , for the past 13 yrs.. He has been emotionally neglecting me, starving me of my female emotional needs by stonewalling/gaslighting me , and has been verbally abusive to me for many years now . I have had health issues since I was a child and our relationship has literally made me physically sicker.I have done everything I can to help him, us, and make our relationship work. I was the best wife to him, let him do everything that he wanted, and stuffed my own feelings for many years to try to keep things peaceful and happy.. It has been a shocking and painful experience because I truly thought he was my soul mate and would have NEVER MARRIED HIM had I known he would do the bait & switch on me..He knows that he has issues, claims he understands why I feel as I do and promises to change. Then he does the same exact thing again the very next day and acts like he has no idea what hes done to TRIGGER ME.. I dont hold my feelings in anymore & dont let him get away with his manipulating mind games anymore..Needless to say, he gives me less, the more I tell him what I need.. I know that he doesn't LOVE ME because you can't intentionally hurt the one you LOVE. He's become so emotionally detached now that he doesn't even apologize to me anymore. He thinks he can just be able to treat me the way HE WANTS ,and I have to ACCEPT living in an empty & abusive marraige!! He is MISTAKEN as I have FREE WILL and REFUSE to be in a marraige any longer with someone who doesn't love, honor, cherish & protect me!! I am a very happy & positive person (empathic) and I would have been absolutely FINE never getting married! I love being alone (with my animals) & spend 98% of my time ALONE, anyways. His energy absolutely affects me and I don't want to be around him anymore. Ive been praying that he would WAKE UP and finally GET IT , but I've lost all hope now. His denial of what he KNOWS that he does and LYING right to my face is what makes me the sickest and I'm NOT doing this to MYSELF anymore..I am so fed up and emotionally exhausted that I don't even WANT to be married to him anymore.. He forgot that he married a very strong woman who SPEAKS the TRUTH and EVERYONE is going to find out why our marriage ENDED 😂. His little cover will be BLOWN and he will finally be UNMASKED.. I do have an issue tho..I have horses & all my animals on our little ranch and I'm NOT LEAVING WITHOUT THEM. He will NEVER LEAVE...His inflated EGO is so disgraceful to me. He has betrayed me BIG TIME. I use to get upset with myself for marrying someone like him...But, we really had a great relationship for 10+ yrs..When life got stressful for him/us, he completely CHANGED on me. I am now married to a monster..I am going to have to learn how to DEAL with him until I can leave..This ridiculous and immature BS he's been putting me thru has only made me STRONGER. And, counselors NEED to be more EDUCATED on NARCASSISTS (covert/overt) as we went to TWO and he manipulated them BOTH! I even texted the last guy and TOLD HIM to please look into " COVERT NARCISSIST " as my husband has many of these behaviors/habits.. That counselor (Samir) was the WORST! He made me cry just as much as my husband! He was blaming me when I KNOW for a FACT that ITS NOT ME!!! of course, because i QUIT the therapy as it was literally geting us NOWHERE, Im the one who has the PROBLEMS...The GOOD therapist that deal with these issues are 200.00 an hour..Thank you for making these videos and allowing me to vent my frustrations🙏. Its so sad that I have to vent to a channel instead of a loving husband...I hope these people will feel the pain they have caused others one day. This has been a very painful experience for me that I will NEVER do AGAIN!..💕😘🤗2all😇 Please excuse any typos or any mistakes. If I reread this I may chicken out on posting it😳
We teach people how to treat us by tolerating their behavior and treatment. The longer we stay the worse it gets. They know we won’t leave because we don’t. Going on 34 years myself. I wish I had left long ago but for many reasons - the kids, the church, … still here. So at this point, it’s on me and I am no longer complaining. Obviously it’s my choice.
It sounds like you were love bombed in the beginning and now you're given bread crumbs of false promises. And I suspect your husband has always been difficult to please. Most narcissists don't change unless they get worse. What you need to do is learn how to cope and the reality of your situation. You need to start thinking about yourself more. Living with a narcissist can rob you of your health, so you need to protect yourself. Find a therapist that understands narcissism and go alone. Of course he's not going to take any responsiblity for his behavior. Narcissists never do and they will gaslight the hell out of you making you believe it's all your fault. What you're going through is typical. This is typical behavior of narcissists. And it's not you! It's him. Look up Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Ramani. They both specialize in narcissism. You can get help through Dr. Carter's group. I have learned so much by watching these two and reading their books. I've had therapy too. Please get help for yourself. Stop worrying about HIM. You sound like a wonderful person and my heart goes out to you. You deserve better!!!!
He can say and react however he wants. I just find a cozy spot for my eyes to rest where it looks like I"m looking at him and let him tire himself out and whatever he says I agree with him or I just stay quiet. I take nothing that is said to heart and know anything that is said isn't true and is manipulation. I stay calm, don't react and let him come to his own conclusions. It doesn't actually matter if I'm listening or not because when I finally get my turn to speak he's already looking at his phones and has moved on. That's because it's not a conversation, it's a monologue, or a temper tantrum. He doesn't want input or the truth he needs to be right at all costs. So I let him be and then I get on with my day. There's no point in setting boundaries with a narcissist. They don't care about your boundaries and it's not worth the garbage they fling. Just hold on to your sanity and leave as soon as you can.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. You’ve seen the light, you understand this is not for you. You are dealing with it the right way and planning your future whilst nodding and smiling. Tomorrow is another day x
@Incognicia WHEN are you actually LEAVING?? For 3 plus years and a few attempts to leave that only cost me most everything I had as money, just to exist without a job or credit. I found that even leaving, especially without support of a family member, friend, church or SOMEONE.. leaving, even WITH some money, after 30 years in HELL PRISON.. It just isn't near as easy as one might think, even with some money. NO CREDIT.. NO JOB HISTORY.. NO NOTHING.. not BAD credit.. just ZERO CREDIT.. nobody wants to rent to you. No job and no credit and no job history... no family OR FRIENDS! as they've all been annihilated as a contact DECADES!! ago plus they all think you're a NUT JOB after DECADES!! of lies and stories by the Narc... Not even cops will help, even after every assault.. I'm the one who ended up in MORE SH*T because I was crying and carrying on while he stood emotionless and accusatory as I behaved like the freaking nut job.. writhing in pain both physically from whichever assault, including "PERSONAL" and mentally.. SCREW EMOTIONALLY!! My emotions are all one mess of melt down. I can't go to a shelter.. those won't work for me whatsoever because of my requirements nutritionally, plus I'm a wild forager and need a place to spread plants out all over to dry, lol. Please let me know if you actually LEAVE and how you managed it. WE ALL NEED A GROUP COMPOUND for people who have nobody left, not even friends .. because the Narc life doesn't allow it. All of us involved in growing or foraging wild foods and tending fruit trees and medicinal plants, maybe even an animal rescue section. SOMETHING that we can do in Love and Light as we all work together, men and women survivors of severe and long term Narcissist abuse, including Psychopath or Sociopath abuse. It's all INSANE!! ALL OF THIS SHIT IS IN FREAKING INSANE!! Life wasted.. no career, no jobs, no friends who didn't screw my filthy pig narc. OMG.. Psycho SHTUFF! PS.. I almost died at 54 (yes FIFTY FOUR) pounds.. literally almost dead as I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital to which I was supposed to stay 30 days to rebuild but my Narc husband got POA/MPOA and took me OUT of the hospital in FIVE!! days🤐🙄😬 VERY long story but this stuff is so serious that we can't leave or get away safely unless we choose a SHELTER which, imho is almost as bad or worse than the home prison. jmo..
Two minutes in and these are the things my girlfriend just started doing. She hid behind a mask for a long while. Then out of nowhere she changed. The love booming was over. This new cold person was so draining. Little by little she was taken every possible from me. I broke it off instantly. She went down the whole list of toxic behaviors. She checked all the boxed from that moment on. But, I wouldn't play her games. She finally stopped. And I Haven't heard anything from her.
When people's actual full personalities change out of nowhere, know that this can be evidence of dissociative identity disorder. Not saying your ex has d.i.d., but just raising awareness. And of course, it can be co-morbid with npd.
The3 mask is also a shell or a husk. It's not just a cover for their true self, it's also a protective exoskeleton, something they see as necessary covering for keeping them safe from getting wounded from what they see, or imagine they see, as real threats in their immediate environment..
I learned a lot from watching police interrogation, court hearings and bodycam footage. The methods law enforcement use are tailor made to handle criminal behavior which often has strong narcissistic roots.
My dad was a narcissist detective get that and my mother was a narcissist too she reminds me of Judge Judy I got away at 40 should have left at 20 went back and I'm trying to get that out of my head after a few days I'm going to be living near and I'm terrified
When I told my violent covert narc mother…I’m 57 she’s 82 that “ I Forgive you “ her eyes turned black I could honestly see the rage buildup to the point of shaking. Needed to exit immediately zero communication from that day forward 2 1/2 years no contact she is as nasty, spiteful , hateful as always angry and full of malice. But I made out..and full of empathy for my community and neighbours .
Yes many have the demonic spirit behind this supposed mental health condition. You must have triggered that spirit. Watch vids on demonic and narcissistic traits. It’s good you stayed away. I’m still dealing with my narc mother but have gone very distant from her, don’t give any personal info out. Getting the overwhelming sense though that no contact is the better way to go, as I still feel she is lurking there in the background and I worry what is happening to my dad . It’s so difficult 🙏❤
I did the same thing May 30th of this Year ! I’d finally had enough of Her Mind Games ! I’m 63 and She’s 86 👺I went no contact and I’ve never been more at Peace ☮️ in My mind ! I should have went no contact 40 years ago ! I Pray 🙏 You find The Peace ☮️ and Happiness You so much deserve ❤
@xfKYZacTri That sounds rough, but at least have the integrity and courage to let them know specifically what it is that you're referring to re the abuse you mentioned.
My sister in law is a narcissist, she always tells me I’m too sensitive. She always insults me, screams at me..I have blocked her from all social media and my phone. She is mean and cruel and I am so happy to be rid of her
"she always tells me I’m too sensitive" is the phrase I grew up (and continues to this day) with when any emotion other than being an obedient bot was displayed. Amazing how these "things" believe being a verbal beast is better than being too sensitive. Silence is golden but no contact is better.
@@brendarewan7441 my first reaction was to get out with my kids and their kids, remove them from harm first. Drove 2 mins away and rang the police. they would not come out told us to report to the station in the morning. This abuser was also an Ex-cop anyone who has been in that situation knows how dangerous that is.
@sueymurray1622 You already left thus cops don't have to rush over to save you. It's true you can make a police report any time. Hopefully you didn't go back!
Re: Respect I once got into an argument with my N mother because I insisted that I deserved respect from her as much as she deserved respect from me. She insisted that she didn't have to respect me at all! We were a couple of minutes into the argument when it hit me: to her, "to respect" and "to obey" were the same thing. Thus, to her, respecting me meant obeying me! "Respect," "obey," "listen" - all terms like that meant "do as you're told." There's no reaching agreement with that.
I had a mother like that. A smaller degree but still the "I'm the mother, you do as I say" kind of thing. We got into an argument and literally told her to fuck off. Didn't speak for two weeks. After a bit I apologized for it but I also told her I meant it. I was 20 years old at the time. But somehow her whole idea went and did a total 180. After that she acted so different, like she was more than happy to do everything for me. 99% of the time I didn't need anything from her when she asked and I did stuff for her like fix and do things and she'd even pay me for them. Her attitude changed so much. My sisters got the same treatment till she passed. But then my sisters aren't that respectful anyway, especially the oldest one.
My N mother always tried to get me to doubt my own knowledge. Whenever she wanted to manipulate me into agreeing with her, she'd say, "Welllll, I don't knowwww…" in a tone that meant I should reject what I knew to be true. My best response, whenever I was confident in what I knew (which was pretty much always), was, "Yeah? Well, I _do_ know." She _hated_ that.
Hi all, my husband of 45 years would make as much mess as possible in the house, knowing that I would have to clean up after him. Gave him some satisfaction I suppose. I left him 2 months ago after he began flaunting his affair with a woman who is 73, she’s 5 years older than him. She is very welcome to him, I no longer have to deal with it. Dee
NPDs heavily struggle with delusions of infallibility w the whole "I can't be wrong!" silliness. They believe that EVERYTHING that goes wrong is always, ALWAYS 100% the other person's fault. (hint hint)
A textbook indicator of NPD is that they are always (and I mean ALWAYS) the victim... and they just can't be wrong. Much like you ladies commenting here. Everything that goes wrong has to be 100% the man's fault at all times, right? lol Your lack of self awareness here is palpable.
Only after you stop giving s$it about whether the relationship works or not, you will be able to say any of those sentences without the risk of being punished.
@@1RPJacob boy, does it feel good though. What scares me about shutting off your care for someone, is where does it stop? Will I stop? It feels like the birth of a supervillain, but I don't want to end up like them.
I see it more like...I got your number. I was the blame for everything until it became ridiculous. I still loved and cared about this person but suddenly I could laugh at the behaviors and not let them reach my soul. For 40 years I made it work and I miss him badly now that he has passed.
I haven't spoken to my biologically brother in over a decade. I've tried to disown him but Indiana doesn't have a legal precedent. Next best step, cut out the cancer.
I like how they don't let you speak override you tell you how it is and then if you just leave calmly you've gotten mad and they don't know what to say to you
Well, how you feel was not his fault or problem... rather it's 100% your own to contend with. And vice versa. How others feel, is not your "fault" either. To believe otherwise, is textbook NPD stuff.
I had some torture and abuse from a stepfather as a kid. My mother had schizophrenia and was unable to protect us. I ignored his criticisms and developed an inner defiance. I said to myself I will not be you when I grow up. Since then, I ignored feedback which came with attached malice and I always come back with evidence to destroy the critic and the criticism. Slightly narcy? Possibly but it is only used against bullies. Anyway, after action analysis of how I survived my childhood, without any major damage, made me realise my coping strategy was actually the 'the thing'. From an early age I would convert my crazy homelife and events into stories and people would either laugh or stare open mouthed. I must have utilised some form of dissasociation to convert reality into a story. I've always converted bad events into amusing anecdotes. Long story short. I refuse to place value on an abuser, by claiming that I am a victim. That would retain their power. They have no power and are simply characters. The recent narc would often say 'ah you're the victim now eh?' So I would reply "who said that?" She was completely obsessed with the word and it only makes sense to me now. She wanted the label and could not tolerate evidence that would remove it. Sorry my posts are long. Again, write it out or say it, don't keep poison inside. It will make you ill. Spit it out as soon as poss.
I never considered myself a victim of my ex-N-- I was their target. The target is never culpable for the bad behaviour of a bully, no matter how clinically-disordered they may be...
This is a playbook and you are a Coach. They are not fun people to deal with, but you do give great tips, to come out on top. This enhances emotional self-control, for a strong defense (boundaries), with a powerful impact. Game on if need be. This is how you do it - hit hard, and they'll think twice about playin'🔥
I LOVE the sentence, "I'm not going to do what you want." I wish I had this 10 years ago. Some of my personal favorites are, "I'm willing to say my perspective and listen to yours, but I'm not here for us to agree." I love how it sets my personal intentions and boundaries and takes a few weapons off the table for them, such as gaslighting. If they try to gaslight, just repeat with no emotion, "I'm not here to agree. Is there anything else that you wanted to discuss?" If they keep repeating, you can say, "You've already said that, and I heard you. Since we're repeating, it might be time to wrap things up." Another is, "I see that you are upset, and that sucks because I care about how you feel. That said, I did XYZ (short list of your actual behavior). I am not going to apologize because I didn't do anything wrong. In the future, maybe we can avoid this by..." Ex: My boyfriend is driving us from dinner, and I want to pick up a few groceries on the way back. He says okay. I'm in the store for less than 15 minutes. He's huffing and puffing and telling me how he doesn't have time for this, and I've ruined his whole schedule for the night, etc. even though I know that simply isn't true. I would use the above script with, "I was in and out of the store in 15 minutes, which is more than reasonable. In the future, maybe we can avoid this by telling me that you're on a tight schedule."
Self respect. You give that to yourself by having standards. No compromise. Unacceptable! That means boundaries from the start. NOT dancing with a devil.
Don't argue. Don't respond. And don't react. He wants to argue so he can beat you down and make him feel like a big man. Don't give him supply. Try using the word "Whatever". Kinda hard to argue with that.
Laugh at him, make fun of him, the more you diminish him through mockery the more provoked he will feel, and if you play the right cards and reach a nerve he will actually loose his temper and control, you just gotta act on top
Laugh at him and make fun of him?? I Don't think some of you understand just how dangerous some narcissists could be😳 Don't poke the bear! Leave....if you have to!
Phrasing these sentences in certain ways probably makes it easier to not have them backfire on you, like the “I’m not responsible for your feelings” in a better way would get the point across and would be really hard to make someone find a reason to be upset
One I have found really useful to respond to attempts to gaslight or undermine is ‘I am not confused about what happened / this situation / how I feel ‘ . I have found it can stop a narcissist in their tracks.
@@daileighnovember exactly- you can be responding to something you saw them do with your own eyes 5 seconds ago and they will come back with some version of ‘that didn’t happen’. I was right here and I know what I saw.
"You are SO stubborn. No Wonder you are having difficulties. You need to ask somebody else how HE Sees this matter. You should ask how everybody else would deal with this. You should see a doctor. I am really worried about your anger issues. You are hurting me so badly. It's not normal. I talked to Mrs Smith and her daughter has autism, too. You need help."
My older sister called me on the phone in a rage ( yelling at me ) and tried to tell me off and she wanted to argue. I didn’t argue. Instead I stopped her in her tracks before we even had a chance of arguing by simply saying “I don’t want to argue”. Dumbfounded she said “WHAT ???”. Then I repeated “I don’t want to argue”. Then there was silence on her end of the phone for a few seconds , then I hung up. 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️👍👍👍🎉🎉🎉
Holy shit, well done, that's some verbal aikido right there, you didn't feed them any energy, you gave them nothing and didn't "clang" with her, well done :)
I once drove my malignant mother away permanently by telling her over and over, "If you're not going to behave in a socially acceptable manner, you're going home." And she never came back because she knew that she could no longer do her abusive routine on me whenever she felt the urge so what was the point of coming at all?
Thanks for these comments. My ex girlfriend would use these phrases to gain control of the relationship after deflecting her bad behavior. I would get upset, but realize it's her way of manipulating me into thinking I'm the Narcissist. Very confusing game they play. They twist things around, to make us feel we have issues.
That’s the problem with a lack of relevant context. Many people here are gravitating to what they want to hear too. That’s why ‘in person’ or at least ‘personal appointments’ with the right people are necessary.
I find the knowledge I've been getting from your content, and all the other content creators that provide education regarding narcissists and their tactics -- very empowering. I cry less every day. The more I get myself "desensitized" to all the hurt I'm experiencing, watching content like yours helps me reframe my thoughts, and I ruminate less. I used to react emotionally to defend myself, and my kids, but now I've learned to set solid boundaries to stop giving him any incentive to abuse me. Thank you for all that you do, and for the enlightenment that you share.
Lol I pulled that one too also this, "I don't need your permission to do anything in MY life. I will give you the respect of letting you know what my plans are, and then I will do it. Don't like it, then leave."
Nailed it! He texted me, telling me he is better than a man I was talking to, when I didn’t respond to it, didn’t even acknowledge it, sent him over the edge.
I was married to one. I often said "I've heard a lot of BS but I enjoy hearing it from a real pro. Please carry on." It was enough to put him off balance.
The problem is that the narc gets very disappointed from these kind of responses, and feels it's imperative to take revenge. The worst thing is physical abuse, and talking bad about us to everybody, and ruining our reputation is a very damaging thing, could cause an absolute disaster.
Absolutely. What gets me feeling the same is how easy it is for narcissistis like that to find an audience about their concerns if their target is not working for someone else on salary and sometimes that happens only if their target who is being offered their false accusations is not from the same gender as they are. When someone expresses a clear pattern of careless behavior while at the same time they are quick to take offense in double standard communication style that is not the same thing as a one time honest mistake when checking a water gun too close to a wire fence or in the kind of situation if say our little dog had biten the shin of a door to door salesmen while we were still recovering from Lasix surgery right after the bandages had come off at the time.
I dropped the “I don’t need your approval” recently and it’s been an absolute game changer. My partner is still in their anger phrase about it over a month and a half later, but it is has truly lifted a massive burden off me and made my life a lot easier. And the attempted punishments for it have been VICIOUS, but I will not react.
The only way to handle a narcissist is to manage them until you can extricate yourself from the relationship with the minimum of problems. I saw the flip the moment it happened borrowed her car keys on the pretext of an errand (she wanted something bringing in from her car). I went into the bathroom and took her flat key off her keyring, and went back in. She had been barking orders so I went along with it until I did something to provoke her and then let her talk herself into a rant. At that point I told her to take her stuff and go back to her own place. She had too much gear to take all of it so I locked it all in the shed. She rang me two hours later because I'd not rung her to apologise. She was outraged that I'd not been in when she'd called round to argue and that I snswered her phone call from a noisy pub. I told her to come round at a reasonable (agreed) time the next day to fetch her junk. Needless I had to ring her and she wanted to leave it for another day. I told her her gear was in the damp shed full of cobwebs and if she didn't stick to the agreement I would be taking all her crap to the rubbish recycling dump. She came straight round in a stinking temper and tried to be hurtful but she gave up when she realised that I had anticipated her every move. Her manipulations and narcissistic vile behaviour had given me all I needed to bin her off. She hss never yet been back in touch and is unlikely to. I hsve recently bumped into a mutual acquaintance who told me that this Ex had married another nice guy and almost immediately started cheating on him so this acquaintance ended their friendship. Not everyone can come out of a relationship with a narcissist as easily as I did, so love and support to all of you out there suffering one of these nasty, spoilt, harmful, perpetual little brats. You can never defeat them, nor really "win" All we can do is escape as much as possible on our own terms with as little harm to ourselves as possible. Peace and love ❤❤
awesome, I kept believing for the longest time in her lies and fake apologies, not sure yet if I regret it all. I learned a lot, and would have never believed these people were real other wise, so I have hope this will not happen again (and as always there were also the good times).
“That’s not acceptable behaviour”. Powerful. I’ve used this phrase-“I will not accept poor behaviour”. It’s a killer to them. They actually have to stop and think long enough that it settles them.
1. "I'm not responsible for your feelings" 2. I'm not going to do what you want. 3. Indifference. I dont agree w/you. 4. I need time to myself. 5. I've already made my decision 6. That's not acceptable behavior 7. I trust my own judgment 8.
these have worked for me: - when i want to end an endless argument: "since you're going to demand to have the last word and not listen, go ahead, i'm done..." and then they freeze and say nothing :) they can't win by accepting nor by decling my offer of having the last word.... - when someone insults my character, i usually don't confront, but ask "ok. so.... where do we go from here?" since they have nothing constructive to offer, this also ends communication. if they assert i'm so stupid, lazy, unfair, naive, weak, cowardly, boring, ineffectual, etc... far more worthless and more unable than they are, wtf am i supposed to be able to do for them? - exceptional claims require exceptional evidence/reliable references to evidence. if something sounds outlandish, i say "that's exciting/interesting! where can i read up on that/can you show me?" if silence is the answer, i don't take claims for granted and just move on. if you claim to be able to do a backflip, show me! :)
This list is actually a powerful diagnostic and understanding tool. These are all phrases that should be benign or mildly awkward at worst for anyone who isn't a narcissist. They only hit differently for people who have a worldview and sense of self built around manipulation, influence, and control. It makes sense of what otherwise feels like an unprovoked explosion. Thank you.
I definitely got "I'm not responsible for your feelings" from my ex. Who also loved to tell me how much I was hurting him and needed to change all my behavior (basically stop asking him for anything at all.) I kinda hate that phrase, myself. I get how it's true, but it feels like an excuse to treat someone badly. Our behavior can actually have an effect on others, and I think it's important to keep that in my awareness. I avoid anyone who says that my feelings are my own responsibility, because they're pretty clearly not gonna care if they hurt me, so I'm not comfortable using that particular phrase. It's technically correct and all, but it's misused so much.
Mine uses this, too. If you air any grievance or request they will throw this at you. He actually brought a situation up from 2007 during this particular conversation. Kitchen sink, anyone? You cannot resolve conflict with people who LOVE whattaboutism. Basically You are Not the Boss of them. Full Stop.
@@manuellayburr382 I mean, since all my problems stopped when I got out of that relationship and I spent years working on myself and now have a wonderful wife who loves me and acknowledges that her actions can effect me and I acknowledge my actions can effect her, I'm pretty sure no. But if a stranger on RU-vid wants to think I am, I can't really stop you and it won't effect my life at all once I submit this comment, so go off I guess.
@@RoseThePhoenix Well, since you you now have a good reciprocal relationship, that argues that indeed you were not the one to blame. I was simply picking up on what I think you said, i.e. your partner was saying they were not responsible for your feelings. That, according to this video is what the victim is supposed to say to the perpetrator. Maybe my logic is faulty. Admittedly it was based on little evidence. My approach is to ask directly when I am unsure, and you have answered. I am happy to accept your reply.
@@manuellayburr382 my comment was an objection to using that phrase as a victim. I understand the point is to "flip the script," but that particular flip bothered me a lot due to my personal experience. Since I can't trust anyone who uses that line, I don't think it's a good line to use. The rest was mostly okay, just that first one stuck in my craw, is all.
My brother is the pure definition of a narcissistic sociopath. He will destroy you with having 0 regrets,feelings,or remorse. Best thing to do is not argue with them and never show that he has gotten under your skin.
Finally!!! The best vid out of the 500 i have watched, as i need advices on how to deal with my narc. This is my own favorite to say: "if you don't answer my one question straight, I will end this talk / hang up the phone / close the door". It is very effective.
Wow this is good. Dangerously good! I became wary in the last couple of years of our 25 year on and off situationship that she would develop false beliefs of the state of our relationship and false interpretations of events that occurred between us which I thought were honest misunderstandings that risked destabilising our relationship. She would typically disappear for a few weeks in the immediate aftermath, denying me the chance to voice my thoughts and opinions It wasn't until some time after the discard when I realised she couldn't have been that poor at reading situations. She knew what was really happening but wanted me to believe she was mistaken about the so called challenges in our relationship, just like the many times when she'd withdraw suddenly without any known reason and behave as if something was wrong to make me question her, just so she could verbally insist things were fine, but in an unconvincing way. She was a better actor than I ever gave her credit for. She knew how to create cognitive dissonance. Thank you for this video, apart from offering some great advice, you confirmed several suspicions that I previously thought were a little far fetched for me.
Something I noticed is that the narc hated it when I asked for his definition of something. Like, 'what's your definition of [being too sensitive]', for example, when he called me that. So from that moment on I would use that very same definition for his behavior, which was something he couldn't stand because it was always something unrealistic. And when he didn't agree with me after I had used it on him, I would respond with somethin like, 'Oh, so you changed your definition? What's the new one?' Eventually he refused to answer those questions and so I told him that, if he couldn't give me a clear definition, I couldn't garantee that I wouldn't show that particular behavior anymore. He hated that even more and started to call me 'annoying'. This all was when I was aware of his toxic behavior, obviously, and I was already trying to get away from him. It was effective but I only recommend it when you don't live with the narc. Otherwise the fights can get nasty and even downright dangerous.
Yeah, flipping things they use on you and using it on them leads to a meltdown. My sister used to say I was "playing the victim" when I called out her bad behavior. Well, when I set some boundaries, she said I was abusing her and trying to control her. So I said, "Sounds like you're playing the victim here". Oh, the meltdown.
How do we know you weren't to sensitive? Women typically get emotional then make decisions. You were copying him and calling him to sensitive. Really seems like you were also manipulating him for conrol. Does seem annoying! You seem like the Narcist who is trying to not have accountability and push things all on him. You're doing what she's explaining in the video. You're projecting the blame on him. Seems to me you don't want to submit or respect your man.
The "me being there to serve them" and "them needing their alone time" definitely rings true. A while ago, this person didn't say that they needed to be alone when I asked them to spend time together, I ended up questioning them why it didn't happen and yes I was a bit emotional at the time and they ended up using said questioning against me and told me that I crossed the line or something like that, I apologised because how the heck should I know what they were going through if they didn't say anything. I understand that we don't have to explain ourselves all the time, especially when I have always been honest and open at any given time, yet they always choose to be withdrawn and closed. And they blame me for not knowing something that only them can make me otherwise. And looking back, I was always there for them almost every single time, even when I was in a situation that couldn't be bothered, I explained why I couldn't be present. But when it's the other way around, I'm given zero explanation as to why they couldn't make time for me. I would find out only later on when I actually question it, and then we're back to the first part of this ramble. Don't mind me, just venting a bit xD sorry.
I had fun the day my (then) raging narcissist fiance told me that I was so crazy that no one would ever love me like he did. You should have seen the look on his face when I replied, "Thank God!" But be cautious with whom you use it and when -- if it had been a little later in our relationship, he might've tried to kill me. On that day, I expected him to leave the house to cool down and I was right. I got peace and quiet and the blessed silent treatment for a few days.
Had this conversation today. Cost me 5 hours of my day. When you are sick, they choose to ignore you and instead seek their own desires, narcissistic supply and don’t care to help you when you are down but instead they go the other direction. She said “I don’t have the bandwidth for this”; “Not today, I have things to do.” “You are sick. Today is not the day to talk about this.” “Do you want to break up, because that’s what YOU are doing?” “I have been honest with you.” “Apologize??? It’s YOU who needs to apologize!” “Integrity, what’s that? (Blank stare, stumbles unable to grasp what saying and doing what you say and mean actually means)”; “I am not doing this. You need to stop. This is abuse”; “You’re a lot of work!”, when you confront them on how they have gaslighted you, while gaslighting you in real time, lied to you, manipulated you, insulted you and literally said they are better than you, all in the span of 10 mins. You cannot fix a narcissist. Once you recognize them, keep calling them out. Hold them in that space and make them squirm until they wake up and until they discard you. They will never forget how you were the only one that tried to help them. They will remember this as abuse. (This will also increase hypergamy and attraction because you will be the only guy that called them out on their shit.). Then, later she said I have secure attachment. Okay. As such I will hold her in that “holding environment” until she decides to get better or escape. Thank you Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. Don’t ever be with a person who comes from divorced or separated parents. They are inherently broken. Bye Felicia.
With the toxic people I know, none of these would work. Saying any of these would send them into a rage. In fact, when they are committed to the belief that they are right and you are wrong, there is nothing you can say that will not send them into a rage.
exactly, any boundaries of resistance will just be met by more anger and manipulation, their entire persona is based around this.. better to just walk away. But this is useful to do for people, so they realize this.
Telling the narc "this conversation is over" drives them CRAZY. Unfortunately my ex decided to file for a restraining order after I said that and went no contact. The judge saw a tiny blonde white woman and approved it. Sometimes a narc will do their absolute best to keep you roped in no matter what.
@@ninjacat508 Oh amazing question. So my ex has used it against me to drag me back and forth into court. Because a petitioner cannot legally "violate" a restraining order, I have had to go to court on occasions where she has shown up at one of my shows, And then I get to waste a bunch of time showing the judge that I was literally hired to be there and she decided to show up. Got a little over 6 months left until it's all fucking over.
@@Styner09 OMG I hope you don't have any young children, because she will be keeping it going until they are 18. I spent about $120k-$150k to hire an attorney to handle all the crap he filed because I was trying to keep my job. He's doing life without parole now.
I've used different variations of a lot of these phrases and they almost always resulted in her going on a narcissistic rage with yelling, screaming, name calling, and somehow in the midst of that I was the "abuser." A vast majority of the time if I tried to walk away and say the conversation was over, she would run in front of me, block the door, and trap me in a room. Again, all the while calling me the abuser. A common phrase I said is that, "I'm not allowed any thoughts, feelings, or emotions in this relationship." There's a reason she's an ex-wife.
A powerful video done the correct way. Thank you for taking the time to make this for everyone to learn how to take back that power from the narcissist and move forward. Too many people stay trapped in toxic situations as such.
I would tell the victims to be very careful and only start this battle when they are ready to get out and have a plan B. It really worries me to advise them to do things that can put them in vulnerable situations... Maybe they will be attacked to a point of no return. I believe the best way out is to say these things internally, avoid discussions but don't try to make the narcissist angry. Do it quietly to get the courage and self-respect you need to leave, but don't try to win arguments. Get ready to leave in silence and leave without confrontation if you can. Even tell them you are not good enough for them. Especially if you have a divorce to go through and kids. Why enrage a narcissist and become the target of their rage and persecution? Just free yourself as peacefully as possible. Get prepared as much as you can in secret.
I think this is great advice . But - the best defense is actually you removing yourself from them completely because they cannot be reasoned with at all . They also don’t care what you are saying . Or what you need to feel okay . They will ONLY TRY TO CONTROL WHATEVER U ARE SAYING . Make you feel bad . So if you aren’t strong you. Better walk away because if not you better be able to hold your boundary with confidence and no emotion
I’m convinced my mother and my ex are huge narcissists. I cut off my mom and I refuse to talk to her because I’m supposed to care that her mom treats her bad when she treats me terribly. At the time I was in a very unhealthy relationship with the father of my kids. I begged my family for help multiple times and they continued to watch him abuse me over the years and to me that was enough for me to cut my entire family on her side off. She’d constantly gaslight me and the insist she couldn’t be a problem because she’s a devoted Christian my mother is also a huge reason as to why I’m a hopeful agnostic now. My ex was very verbally abusive I struggled with my mental health a lot since I’m bipolar depressive. Despite knowing my mental health issues he was never supportive or there for me. He would cause arguments and give me the cold shoulder unwilling to communicate. After 10 years I decided me and my kids deserved better he’s a selfish man he has zero empathy for anyone else and if rather be alone for the rest of my life than give him my energy ever again.
I was just reading Your comment and I’m in the same Situation as You with My Momster ! Mine has tried to destroy My Happiness My Entire life , until This Year when I finally decided I’d had enough, and went No Contact! She’s a Religious Freak also ! Has everyone thinking She’s a Saint , but I know She’s Possessed by Demons ! God is Real , I promise You , He has Answered most of My Prayers 🙏I was abused in every way by both of My Evil Parents, and a Brother 👺Satan is real , If Satan is Real , Then You know God is ! The Devil wants to destroy You and Your Happiness through Humans , He has so many People 😢I refuse to let Him Destroy My Happiness! There’s things going on the World 🌍 right now that are right off the pages of the Bible ! It’s mind blowing! I’m not a Church or Religious Type Person! I am a believer In JESUS! Religion is Satans Domain , The Church belongs to Him ! That’s how He confuses People ! We are coming to the End , I’m serious! Just talk to Him JESUS, I do all the Time ! He loves You , He is the reason I’m still Sane with what I’ve been through 🙏 I pray 🙏 You find the Peace ☮️ and Happiness You so much deserve! May God Bless You and keep You safe under His Mighty Wings 🪽 I’m sending Much LOVE 💕 Your way ! You are so special to Him !
Wow! You've been through a lot. You are one tough momma- keep going. I believe you are strong! I hope that you find our Savior Jesus Christ and be healed by him. He is real, even though the "religious" people in your life have not been a good example of Him. He is true and faithful in His love for you. I pray you find Him.
Thanks for this. I've used such answers unto a narcissistic woman. She did mocked me but I stand my ground and proverbaly through that fire dead with water.
I'm sorry that you feel that way 🤔 when you get the silent treatment they try to punish you,go out and have a good time,even if it's going and visiting family and friends, and act like you totally forgot about them because evidently they forgot about you,😮 and hold them accountable for their slimy little games they play, don't waste your time playing the game just go no contact completely like they don't even exist, narcissist injury 🤕 unplug the supply cord game over 👍 Christina thanks for the video 🦋
I don’t know why people keep saying “My Narc”. You are taking ownership of something you don’t have to burden yourself with. Maybe start with that and slowly separate yourself from their burden.
well, it's a bit like saying "my eczema..." or "my brain tumor..." :D not all ownership is voluntary, and some burdens are very sticky and hard to get rid of....
You have some great phrases here and this video gets a big thumbs up from me. My family unfortunately is heavy on talkers and low on listeners. Most holidays involve obnoxious soapboxing which unfortunately often turns disrespectful and very politically biased. I enjoy friendly debates as an independent and hearing viewpoints, but some people feel like they must "win" every argument by talking loudly, interrupting or with personal attacks. For about a decade I just smile or lightly laugh, use the "I disagree with that opinion" and leave the room. Narcissistic people crave a captive audience and unfair odds in their favour, so by simply leaving they room, you are no longer their object of their abuse and amusement.
Basically she's saying we should act like a narcissist. Don't validate them, control situations and boundaries, ignore them, act better than them, etc.
These are all things I learned to never say, and would not have said, but will say if by any chance I bump into them again. Leaving and not letting them know where you've gone is the first step to saying any of these things and you probably won't because you're not ever going to see them again.
Controlling my Emotional reaction became a very big challenge for me. Inspite of understanding that it gives narcissistic suppy…I shouldn’t do it still missing out on this point and messing up.
one that ive dealt with is getting them to accept that they are manipulating im figuring it all out. i get the, "can we finish this conversation later?" and the conversation never happens
I hate stirring up the rage in a narcissist, but it can't always be avoided. I find that little response sets the perfect boundary. A narcissist can't argue with a comment such as "whatever" or "I'm preparing chicken for tonight". A comment that has nothing to with the narcissist's complaints will throw him off. It sounds silly but what you're doing is not falling for their gaslighting, nor are you letting them bother you. Do not react. Do not get angry. And never argue back or defend yourself. That's what they want. Narcissists love to argue and they are very good at it. Just by you staying cool and calm and shrugging off their attacks will send them into orbit. Keep this up and they'll start to get the message. That's how you set boundaries with narcissists. Telling a narcissist you refuse to do whatever they want is not setting a strong boundary. You have to show them rather than tell them. Try not to talk to them on any serious subjects. Talk about the rain but never go deep, keep the conversation light. If the narcissist starts gaslighting you or picking a fight, excuse yourself to the bathroom and find a door to leave. Some of you are married to a narcissist and leaving is not an option. Seek a good therapist who understands narcissism.
Excellent! One of the clearest and most concise explanations of narcissistic behavior and how to handle it. Will be helpful in dealing with the many narcissists in my life.
That first one was the nail on the head. 2 days after my hernia surgery, I said exactly that to my wife. And she told me she hoped my guts would fall out and I suffered for the rest of my life.
