Do you mean like always a different way of doing things, no matter what it is. Or, almost always disagreeing with anything you say? If this is what you mean then, absolutely they are so exhausting x10000!
The inability to repair problems that cause ruptures in the relationship... You literally just described the biggest problem with my narc ex-wife. That was literally it. We could never resolve anything, we could never grow and move on, we never learned from anything we'd always have the same fights over and over without resolution. It always felt like it was intentional. And now that I know about narcissism, I know that it in fact was. Thank you so much for your videos and information, they are a tremendous help to us
Also exploding, or throwing fits over minor events. Refusing to repair or move on from some wrong. Bringing these up over and over in order to manipulate your feelings.
1. Idealization and love bombing. 2. Deception. 3. A lack of accountability. 4. Gaslighting. 5. Manipulation and control. 6. Negative comparisons. 7. Explanation. 8. Isolating you from your loved ones. 9. Repeated threats to the relationship. 10. Disrespecting boundaries.
@@ChristinaChristiansen-ff9ho That was the ex wife 100%. I was too young & immature to recognise the signs, it was 42 years ago. The lasting impression it left on me - haven’t trusted a woman since.
It started with incredible love bombing. Then it all changed as the controlling, manipulative toxicity emerged: I am not worthy, I am not acceptable, I am not deserving of her. What did I do? I dumped her and ghosted her without any further discussion because my time is too precious. I have established a BAD principle (to protect my sanity): my Benevolence for Accommodating BAD behaviour is Done. It was hard at first but I am now happy I did what I did.
Good on ya Ed. Glad you made it out. My cheating x gf is a fellow countryman of yours unfortunately for anyone else there & surrounding areas. She is a covert narcissist to a T, as I found out too late. I found out on New Years Day she was cheating & was barely able to get out of that maelstrom. It's nothing short of a miracle I escaped and ninja vanished. I don't blame your country for what happened but she certainly soured my time and experience there for the considerable future. Be well bud!
I am realizing some similar behavior like that and it's making me sad and lost, the bad thing is... I love her so much and I am feeling very emotional like never did, I feel that I am falling for her "trap" about manipulating me.
What a beautiful comment 💯 correct. I don't understand why dating gurus encourages the victim to play games back. The best advice as painful as it is is just to walk away. Go out on your shield 🛡️💪 and have some self respect is what you did. As a man I was called a narcissist for blocking a narcissist manipulator.
My ex' and this is now many many years ago, told me "I can't be on my own", ... one of her more truthful moments, and she was right, she really can't. Every relationship of hers that ever ended, ended with her simply replacing the last so called 'partner', with no gaps whatsoever. She literally cheated on every partner she ever had. So when after all the lovebombing and sexbombing and idealisation, she sais to me "we need some time apart", alarm bells began to ring. - If she needs time apart from me ... then who is she with?
Sounds like my last gf. She dumped me over text and don’t care about my kids at all but has been in relationship after relationship, taking care of peoples kids then abandoning them. All while preaching Jesus 🙄
It's called BPD. It's rough, but they only feel valid when being pursued. The normal feelings of life do not suffice. If they are being actively pursued, they feel abandoned
My ex did the same ,he lied to me about this relationship with his kids mom of 19 years pretended to be single ,the he lied to his colleague and cheated with her about me .
WOW so many things that are happening in our marriage. My husband is a narcissist with psychopathic tendencies. My problem is I'm stuck as I don't have the money to leave. He keeps close tabs on my spending etc. I just live day to day. Im not even close to the person I was when we married. We just celebrated 15 yrs. Everyone says I need to leave...but without money I can do nothing until someone can help with moving my things, as he only brought debt into marriage. All furnishings were mine. My life style went down n his went up. I'm a trusting person n I trusted he was being truthful. Well I found out different. I'm 71 n my psyche is not even close to what it was. I'm a shell of my younger self. Oh well, I'm working on it. Thanks for the video!
You just celebrated 15 years. Come on. I married one for 5 months and told her I’m done and walked out. You’ll be saying same thing 5 years from now. So you must enjoy it.
I’ve learned that even ONE extreme reaction to something innocuous is enough to cut ties. Emotionally healthy people have enough self awareness to not go there, and that first reaction is a test. If you continue, the reactions will, too.
Personally, one of my biggest red flags to look for in any sort of relationship, are when if you show someone something and they don't like it. When you ask them why they say "I don't know, I just don't" that tells me they are someone who comes to conclusions without thinking about it. This is the tip of a massive ice berg. I've seen this to be true on several occasions. This isn't to be confused with something to the effect of "I don't know, I can't put my finger on it" because this implies they are at least trying to explain how they feel.
What it’s doing is showing they are high in disagreeables , that In it’s self a problem , I have do not have a clue what this video is about I listened to it but couldn’t tell
Defintely, I feel that lack of ability to maturely communicate is the biggest deal breaker. My ex said she liked communication, but then punished me when I tried. And more recently discarded me for trying to have a conversation after a hoover and the subsequent hurtful behaviour. I see now this harmful behaviour wouldn't change.
I dated someone for a year and he did almost all of these. Criticized my mom to me and to her face about her parenting. He would manipulate me to get his way. Its been months since I blocked him and he has no use for me once I found out he had someone else that he was using too. I found out she lived few blocks away from me and we both bonded out of this toxic relationship. We both dumped him and stayed friends. He is the worst person I have dated and I saw the red flags but did not know this man was a criminal with a history of theft, as he tried to steal my car by not giving it back to me and he stole her father's watch which was very sentimental because he past away. I am scared of what kind of man I will meet again. Boundaries are so important in relationships. Thank you for making this video.
Inability to communicate in an adult manner...so true Lise. 1-1/2 years of being gaslit...not sure what happened to her....I have my list of reasons... but it is very sad that she was a covert narcissist and skilled manipulator...the toxicity was unreal.
Thank you for this video. Whenever I find myself getting emotional over the people I had to remove from my life, I watch a video like this and I instantly realize I did what was right. Thank you
Lisa LeBlanc, Thank you very much. It’s as if you’ve been walking in my shoes, observing the pain and confusion I’ve been lost in emotionally for years; even with professional guidance that’s been essential to my healing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Please pay attention to these videos. One of the excuses I was given for when my NPD ex-wife went thru my journal was “I’m sorry but I had to do that….” And then she would send me scans of my journal that she kept when she took the journal unbeknownst to me. I wish Lise would make videos about the possible crosses between personalities with true NPD and a criminal mind or personality. In my experience, there are many overlaps. Hopefully this message reaches the person who needs a little nudge to say goodbye to that NPD personality forever!
Yup - taken me years to get enough strength of character to tell my toxic wife it’s over. It’s a land mine. We fall into this trap because we love them and trust them. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable- that’s what marriage is; a taste of Eden where we can be naked and not ashamed. It is those women that trample on that trust and make us feel like we are the idiots in the end. They are fucking thieves of the worst kind.
Whats crazy is that my ex would calm down and give me nice apologies. Some i believed but most were just fancy words. Her behavior didn't change. The simplest things were too hard to grasp is how she played it. Being empathic and codependent i believed that she just needed more help. Thats how i got hooked. Shes bpd for sure. I have a lifetime of npd or bpd partners. I'm doing way better and filtering them out quicker. All of the signs are there from day 1 and my instincts on them is 100% accurate. Now its time to trust and respect myself enough to listen to it. Its the internal hunger for love that kinda burns 24/7 that persuades me into giving chances. After this last one i believe i have enough pieces of the puzzle to guide me to a healing path. I've removed all the narcissists from my life but now its time to be "selfish".
I told my gf i'm not sure we're compatible for long term since we can't just sit down and have a calm discussion about our issues. Her answer was blaming me for everything and going to live with some guy within 2 days to play this jealousy game on me for weeks. She tried to move back in with me multiple times and I wasn't interested. She said I abandoned her. I said she abandoned herself.
Another highly useful explanation from Ms. Leblanc. I am so grateful for finding these and other words of wisdom for those of us who have been wondering what became of our selves and our own dreams and goals. It can be hard to accept that you are in a relationship with someone who cannot love you like you love. Especially when the signs have been there for years and years. But the alternatives are usually far, far worse. Thank you.
It is crazy to watch your videos again. I got suckered back into the relationship with my wife mostly because I love our two year old daughter and it actually took me dropping over at work with suspected heart attack and going to the ER for a night to realize I am either crazy or she is. Imagine I contacted two ex girlfriends To just Reality Check if the traits of toxicity put on me were something they had seen too. Turns out they didn’t at all perceive me as lazy, toxic, never cleaning, never cooking or prioritizing my friends and family over them. More over I realized I had dropped most contact with my friends as mostly this lead to punishments. Parents visits? No rather not as it would lead to a month of stress at home before and fights after as well. Bring up criticism on small or large topics? I stopped more and more to do so as it was pointless. After my hospitalization the doctors concluded I was fully healthy no arteries clogged up, heart perfect, just temporary high blood pressure. High blood pressure that would miraculously disappear when she would be gone and has remained gone since I moved out. I miss my daughter and dog. But she would try to loudly out me down in front of our two year old and I just didn’t want her to see that. I don’t know what the future will bring but even if I would live in the back of my car I would feel better than one more minute there
It's funny how i can come up with an example from my last relationship to almost each of the 10 points immediately. After having completed therapy, I am now in a new relationship and feel like i've found peace. It feels more normal and healthy but it also feels less exciting. I'm writing this to let all the people out there who are currently in the midst of the storm or its aftermath know that things will get better eventually. You will find peace again and and you will forgive yourself and the people who hurt you and you will move on. You will, however, have to make an effort now and change yourself (you can't change someone whom you believe to be a narcissist or bpd-person, you're also not a psychiatrist and can't diagnose others - but you can set boundaries when something feels unhealthy). Good luck, hang in there and do not give up. There is a future and happiness for you out there. (:
Thank you for your videos. Helped me understand myself and my X. Spent 25 years in a toxic relationship and 7 now recovering. We have children together so I always answer but you helped me establish boundaries and understanding. Just a truly heartfelt thank you!
Well done, Charles. I bet you are starting to find your old self again. And, more importantly, a bit of peace in your life. We read a lot of “no one believes the victim” which I now understand why. The outlandish stuff that goes on is like fictional horror, and people could not grasp that this “sweet/lovely person” could be like that. It’s been 4 years in recovery from a 20 years relationship. It’s been doubly hard because 2 out of the 3 therapist’s gaslit/dismissed everything I said. I was in therapy for c-ptsd and for different trauma. I have one of the “therapists” recorded on zoom where her eyes go big and black. She almost falls off her chair if I say the word narcissist. It makes sense why these things choose that profession. I shudder to think what has happened to victims over the years before this stuff became mainstream. Big paradigm shift happening and the chameleon way of life is over for them.
It's all about consistency not one shots. If it's consistent negatives, then narcissist or not, it needs to end. Feelings are very important to LISTEN. Never tolerate consistent bad behavior. Don't fall into cost sunk fallacy or hope for change when you see consistent bad behavior.
Believe or not but this stuff has been in the DSM since the 80’s! I strongly believe the reason for this [apart from the narcs never got help to get diagnosed] is that many therapists (from my own experience with them) are narcissists themselves. I even have one recorded on zoom abusing me. She sh*ts herself when ever I say “narcissist”. It’s like a crucifix to them.
Well, this explains a lot, like the series of relationships that I had been in and had no idea I was being manipulated at the time At least I can save myself next time one of them tries to get in
In my last “relationship” I experienced all the 10 you mentioned. Even though I knew a lot about narcissistic personalities it took me 2 years to eventually realise what was going on. I found out the hard way and will not recommend it. To leave that person was really hard but managed by allowing me to greave as much as possible and watching a ton of videos about narcissistic abuse and personalities. After some months I finally felt the trauma bond was gone. Now I feel so relieved and grateful to be in my own company that I have to pinch my arm to believe it some times.
I see few mentions of my exs methods of isolation. Whenever left with the children so I could go to friends there would be incidents of child abuse, because maybe I said something to upset her or I should have known she wasn't in the right mood that day. I put my social life on a '2 month' pause for 6+ years. Yes I got full custody in the divorce, the children are safe and doing much better.
Thank you for making this video. Wow I definitely see these things that have been in my marriage and even the comment about getting mad about where you’re choosing to park. The car made me laugh at first, but then pause because that’s definitely happened. Telling you who you can talk to or not talk to etc. And telling you, your memories of the past are not accurate, but theirs are, and something must be wrong with you because you can’t remember how it really happened … Now that I watched through the whole thing wow all of these things have happened to me and I’ve wondered for so long why we feel disconnected or like I really can’t do anything right or I’m trying to help this other person but there’s always some new problem to fix and there’s never connection and goodness
Yes ❤all so accurate as a multiple time survivor here I can say that love bombing is still almost impossible for me to guard against as a childhoodneglect no amount of intellectual info could help me not love anyone even strangers who loved me all my life. Of course I’ve been exploited and violated countless times but I’ve healed a lot through lovebombing myself ❤ pretty much self love is the only thing that works and giving my inner child that time attention and priority no matter how cheesy it sounds and that stuff the narcissist say in you was TRUE about YOU and in the end you can keep that part as you restore your sense of dignity. I say sense because we never lost our dignity as survivors just felt we did due to reactive abuse. Great vid
Hey Lise! I wanna say seriously thank you for helping me. I had been watching your videos for months up until I finally got the courage to leave. I was alienated from family and friends, I was completely addicted, I was getting love bombed and then treated like garbage for weeks or months on end with only a few days of “hope” being given to me at a time. After a while I craved those few days and it was enough to make me hold on. I was used by not only her but her family for my money, made fun of every day, called a fatass and ugly, constantly told how much work it was to let me move in and how they could get rid of me at any time, constantly yelling at me, and ever being enough. From your videos, I started to see that I was being abused and manipulated. One night, I looked at her and in that moment I knew it was time. I had watched enough of your videos and others, I had received advice from my mom after I reached out, and something that you had previously said struck me; “once you have all the facts, stop researching it”. I knew then and there that I had to leave and I did the next day. I packed all of my things in garbage bags and I left early in the morning when her and her family went to the store. They tried everything to get me back, even said I left stuff but I told them to just throw it away. Since then I have blocked her and her family, and I’ve never been happier and more free. Lise, you saved my life. Genuinely you did. You kept me sane in those hard times, you made me feel less crazy, you helped me realize it wasn’t okay, you helped me avoid being baby trapped, and you helped me get out. I genuinely cannot thank you enough for saving me from a life of misery.
Well done, Caden. It’s like being able to breathe again. The healing process is a bit like a rollercoaster, but worth it in the end. They are seriously ill people.
Insinuating that in the beginning anyone knows about lovebombing and us therefore tolerating it. I had never encountered this and for myself and others, we wish we knew and did not intentionally tolerate lovebombing.
"None of your family will talk to me when you have family gatherings, so I don"t want to go. You can go if you think you should. What will you tell them?" "Why don't you invite your friends over?" Because when I do, you monopolize the conversation and I can't get a word in edgewise. Or I have to hold my tongue and "not undermine her" when she lies to her doctor and says she has 3 glasses of wine a weak, when it's at minimum one per night and can polish off a 750ml bottle of vodka in a week or two on top of that.
Speaking of manipulation and covert ways to cut you off from from support. Can you talk about persuasion, suggestion and other coercive tactics that partners can use to extract info, time, emotional energy or resources?
The very last one. This. My husband has holed himself up in his office for the past seven days I think the last time we spoke was Monday of last week. He totally ignores me when I try to reach out in the most neutral way possible, such as a greeting. Doesn’t even look at me, and walks away. My best guess is because I asked him not to cut the grass yet because of the heat wave, and he mumbled something as he walked away. I’ve learned to try not to engage him in adult conversation anymore, because it ends up with him yelling and walking away. This is the longest his stonewalling ever gone It’s gotten worse over the years, but this has been his overarching default throughout the decades of 36 years of marriage. The strange thing, is that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. In fact, it’s a relief not to have him around. I feel so much lighter, upbeat, and positive. Am I a bad person because of that?🤷🏻♀️
He told me what I could wear, to get my haircut, how to spend my money. He always would talk about his ex partners and would compare me negatively. He never helped me and minimized my needs. I was so glad to get rid of him. His mother also meddled constantly. It was getting very bad.
I was diagnosed with BPD two years ago and I Know I have “behaviors” that suggest Narcissism, but as I understand and experienced is that the core difficulties are very dissimilar. So how do you illustrate that to the ones you love and care for?
The thing you have in your favour bud, is you have the ability to have emotional empathy and show/feel love. I’ve studied many, many of hundreds of hours on NPD & BPD and I personally feel that there is chasm between the two. Mainly the authentic ability to feel love & empathy. The narcissist can have pragma love at best and they likely mistaken narcissistic supply as love. I hope this helps in some way. All the best.
Thank you MS Leblanc for this and all your other excellent and resourceFULL videos. I have an ongoing one page document for my narc spouse should she ever inquire about my thoughts. I’ve become as isolated from her as I can but still live in same house. Outside of the house, I have nothing to do with her. I’ve added a few lines after watching this video.
There is only ONE thing you need to look out for if you are a man. Lack of respect.As soon as she no longer respects you, she no longer loves you and WILL be cheating on you.
Hi Lise, I just wanna say that I love your videos and I am really glad that I found your channel about a year ago when I was in a toxic relationship with a diagnosed BPD/NPD girl (didnt know she had it up until we were together for 3 months) Okay I understand what you're saying, But how do you realize that you're getting love bombed while it's happening ? and how do you practically not accept it/what can you actually do to defend yourself against it? greetings from Germany!
Great video as usual. Thank you for the quality of your content. Your videos are always a great help for me understanding the struggles i had in previous relationships
My X left me for a rebound guy after a few years together. I noticed for some time that she checked out of the relationship, and it was a matter of time before she discarded me before the manipulation and gaslighting. After she left. She thought that she was entitled to my high-profile investments. Thank God she wasn't my wife.
I am realizing some similar behavior like that and it's making me sad and lost, the bad thing is... I love her so much, but so much and I am feeling very emotional like never did, I feel that I am falling for her "trap" about manipulating me.
Please God give me strength… I’m TOTALLY involved with this person .. and I’m sure of this and have known this from the very beginning… I KNEW this and selfishly continued to tolerate and devalue myself , for the sake of not being alone and the physical aspect … I’m continuing to allow her to disrespect me … ugh … It’s time I rip the band off … any suggestions? I’m praying for courage strength and direction
Do you know what, Brandon? Since Dr Ramani has recently said it is “12-16% but likely higher”. I think it is at least 3x that. Imagine that, eh! Millions of children running around in adults bodies.
Because the problems of life a bigger than whether someone's a narcissist, I think there's room to move on controlling clothing. If she dresses cheap, don't get with her. If you're with her, try and get her to change how he dresses
I told my ex partner if she kept neglecting me that I would have no choice but to leave, I moved to a whole different state to be with her, and as soon as I unpacked she withheld affection, I believe I had a reason, I went down that path last, obviously she didn't change, so I broke up with her. I had no friends there and she would try and control me, belittle me. criticize how I did dishes, laundry, cooked, nothing was good
thankyou lise thankyou to you i have understand that we was narcisist all the two.i have send moneys seven years but at the last i couldn t help yet she.she was doing nothing for ammeliorate her situation.at last leaving she, she told me that has find a job, but the requestes of monmeuys was continuate.so i have end the relationship definitivly..not all what you are telling was her comportments..but i lived continually in a situation of stress.her problem was became my problem
Interesting and thought provoking video. I was thinking about my Ex and how she was during our relationship, but it also made me question myself and my behaviour, and things that I said or did which I felt justified in because I was defending myself I thought. Hmmm.
7:04 Important: Keep in mind that for instance toxic, narcissistic family members are exactly trying to do just that: destroy a budding connection or relationship to keep their son/daughter under their control while pretending only to want “their best”.
When my ex sold our cars so she could get a BMW and justified it to me by telling me I liked riding my bicycle and I needed to exercise, I was pretty sure our relationship needed to end.
Honestly, I have an issue with this whole “love bombing” thing, I have been in Multiple long term relationships and there has been One that I have felt so much more for and have been accused of “love bombing “! What is being a hopeless romantic now a “character” flaw? Because that’s what it feels like.
if you all can relate to these points i n the video all it takes is to say no to them if they threaten the relationship or give ultimatums it is ok to use that to get out of the relationship
Num 8 with the part about you going out and they guilt tripping you is a slippery slop ..... speaking from observation a girl i liked she always made plans with others but never with me ....I never said anything but it hurts ...and now listening to that I was in horrors ...am I the narcissist in that situation....so yeah the context of that part is very very important ...all the other points are valid I've experience them first hand
Do I think that no one uses manipulation? Of course Not! But, how do we determine true manipulation against true feelings? What’s the criteria and How do we explain that to the people whom feel like we Are only manipulating them?
Absolutely they can. If you are doubting anything right now, then that is your sign to scramble. Rightly or wrongly, and I know the general consensus is “run”. But, these days, I call ‘em out on the spot after I’ve given them the initial benefit of doubt.
