Perfect description of what it feels like to be trapped with an abusive, crazy making "caregiver" whom you depend on financially. My mother kept haunting me in my dreams for years after I left home. The good news is that eventually you wake up from the nightmare and can begin to heal your trauma.
@@theMelGibsonatorBoth my sister and I still have nightmares to this day! Please know you are not alone in this! I’m glad you have moved past this stage (hopefully)!❤
Narc Mom teaches you from day one that you are not allowed to have boundaries, and your primary purpose in life is to please her. This sets you up for disaster when you start dating - I allowed men to treat me badly because that's what I was trained to do. Thanks mom.
My mom combined her narcissism with toxic feminism (a match made in heaven) so I was raised to be a pleaser to her and all women and never to ask for ANYTHING out of relationships with women or to have any boundaries (boundaries were brutally punished)-they completely set their children up to be abused.
I also have narcissistic uncles who were very violent, so I was not allowed to have PHYSICAL boundaries, i.e., I was supposed to let grown men hit me without showing any visible reaction starting at 7, I would be shouted at and expected to RUN to them from across the house and up the stairs, to grab something just out of reach for them. Etc
Thats So True As A Child ; Children By Nature ARE Immature And Do Not Have The Know-With-All Inside TO Process. Eventually When Children Get Older They Do Begin TO See And Realize Things , Much Differently; And Even Can Experience Delayed Anger ; Sometimes Implosions Even Happened From All The Unprocessed Stuff Within 🥹💔
I don’t agree. When you’re a child, yes you think it’s normal but no, nothing is your fault because there is NO fault since everything is normal. If you think you are guilty of something, it means you know that the situation is not normal.
I tried to advocate for myself when I felt my feelings were being dismissed--I was called "argumentative", "difficult", "selfish." I always had to apologize just to keep the peace in the house.
Understatement…. I’m 47 and struggling so badly. Sometimes I think I’ve survived but l was robbed of a happy childhood and well rounded life and that truly breaks my heart.😢
@@NikkaKriss Give yourself a happy adulthood. Go ahead and do some childish childhood like things. Think of your parent(s) while doing it and say something akin to "so there! Can't stop me now!" Go to the beach and play with the sand. Or the park and play on the swing. Or with it if you feel silly on it. I never felt like I fit in so I went into the military as enlisted and went through basic combat training. It is the sergeant's jobs to make you fit in and tell you that you do at the end. Maybe you prefer a team sport. Pick one that is easy for you like volleyball. I even coached it and made sure everyone played. Adult leagues for fun get to do that. You can work at healing those hurts from childhood by "parenting" yourself. I taught some simple crafts. At the library. You cannot change the past but you can round out your present.
@@sylver-rain It’s not the same. I love myself entirely but having the love of someone else is what sustains the soul. Our job here on earth is to love each other, that’s all. And when it’s missing, destruction takes place.
OMG just realized all of this regarding my narc parents at age 65. Desperately trying to recover while I still have some years to enjoy life and realize I am not the defective person that needs to constantly please others.
Totally! I theorize that they are really just demons who took over our loved one invited in through trauma which makes me feel sad for my mother and I don't think it was a curse. I feel I had the mother I needed and while it was fraught with many ups and downs. I'm no mama's boy and don't take shit from anyone and true freedom was growing up in the 70's with a narcissist parent haha just be home when the lights come on. Sex drugs and rock and roll were quickly discovered at 13...
Im 27 and found my mom is a narc and our dad is an enabler... and have 6 siblings with manipulative roles and I was the escapegoat it's been 3 month since I found out... Here my dear while I found my bro crying and confused, I have make the mistake of telling my little bro about this narc/dysfunction in our family and our mother is a narcissist and he told everyone what I told him and the whole family made a campaign on me... So please dear don't ever tell anyone that you know this shit. I know you want to tell everyone and say hey I got the answer ... But no you'll be doomed and may never stand up again... But if you feel the urge to tell someone talk to a psychologist/therapy , I repeat never tell any family/relative that you found out about narcissism keep yourself safe❤
You've described me. My mother won't allow me to have boundaries, can't defend myself, can't talk about things that interests me, never has my back, never admits to being in the wrong, gaslights me, no empathy and compassion, argues, but she's always right, lies, manipulates etc..
I think the worst part of being raised by a narcissist that when you grow up you are most likely to date or marry someone who will treat you the same way and you will accept it.
I used to say I need to go to the bathroom even though I didn't, and just sit there with my eyes closed and experience 5 minutes of peace. Highlight of my day.
I was screamed at for caughing and taking deep breaths (I must have suffered from some sort of autoimune stuff, which made me gasping for and not being able to inhale enough air). Also I was screamed for drinking water often. And wanting to pee several times at night. So I had to find excuses to leave the room and try to get some air in. It was painful. I also peed in my toy little cups at night and tried to empty them unnoticed in the morning. Once I forgot to empty them. She almost destroyed me with her screams and remarks about me being a psycho.
I told my sister the same thing. I tried and tried. She's living with me at 80 years old. Nobody else wants her. My sister put her out last year. Nothing has changed. I'm putting her in a nursing home soon. I can't handle this. I feel like a child in my own house. She hates that I have boundaries now. Hates it!!!!! My husband loves her but he wants her out. He doesn't like the affect she has on me. He said my attitude and behavior changes.
@@ANGELSVEN I hope you have friends that make you feel how you deserve to feel. I don't know you but I'll bet you're a wonderful person as much as parents promise us the world they don't always make us feel that way. They make us doubt ourselves even when we're right
It’s like walking on eggshells every minute of every day waiting for “the other shoe to drop”, never knowing when the next rage or outburst is going to come or what will cause it. Spending all your time rehearsing your words in your head over and over in case one of those words unleashes a torrent of nastiness. It is hell on earth no matter whether you’re an adult or a child.
This absolutely described my life as a child and young adult living with my half sister. But am glad now i was finally able to escape her but i can still feel the effects up to this day😭😭😭
That's how I have lived my life. Trying to be in tune with other's feelings so I can be prepared when the shoe drops. Always hypervigilant. Watching and waiting.
My mother is also a narcissist. What I have finally realized does anytime they dismiss anything that you want to try to communicate to them, it’s because they don’t have any respect for you. They don’t actually love you respect you and they mostly want for you to fail so that they don’t feel so bad. This is how you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, in my opinion.when it’s your parent and they treat you like someone they don’t like and it doesn’t bother them that they hurt you? That’s a narcissist.
I sometimes try to dismiss my experience growing up with a vulnerable/covert narcissistic parent as ‘not that bad’. And then I sit down and listen to someone validate my experience and I’m suddenly in tears for the child version of myself who deserved a mother with compassion and empathy and who deserved to have boundaries observed and respected.
I was in my 40's before I realized my mother was a covert narcissist & I was not the crazy one. I did not have a horrible childhood but there was a lot of instability and no sense of unity even though we were homeschooled and had very few friends. I always felt it was strange that we weren't closer than we were, but mother did not cultivate an atmosphere of closeness. It was worse for my 2 youngest sisters, though, they were scapegoats, my Dad was as well, until he passed away. I did not understand it at the time.
@@iamsarahlee79Mom did her best to triangulate me and my siblings. We fought with each other constantly bc of her lies and manipulation. Even when you realize not to feed the beast, it doesn't mean others do.
I’m almost 40 and now finally seeing the truth! Mom is a covert it was always about her and her emotional issues growing up! She triangulated the relationship with my father which I regret having lost him 6 years ago. From a young age I would have to listen to her crying and complaining about my dad hence making me have a hate towards him! (This was unjustified) Growing up I had very traumatic relationships allowing others to disrespect me! Finally I do see that I am a people pleaser … thank god I have discovered the reality. Working out the negative consequences and love seeing videos like this they help me understand
The parent will never see it. Everyone else is the problem. And the negative responses. The verbal attacks never change. I ended up leaving a 20 yr marriage because my spouse is a narcissist who was mentally and emotionally abusive. Empaths suffer the most when they’ve become a people pleaser which at 51 I’m still trying to work on.
There are no rules, they are constantly shape shifting and move the bar. Part of the problem of the chaos and mayhem they create is a lack of healthy rules and consistency.
This is spot on! I grew up with a narcissistic mother and this describes me perfectly. I have poor self-esteem, blame myself for everything and am constantly hypervigilant. It's comforting to know that even though this was my upbringing, there are positive traits like empathy and having sensitivity. I never thought about having resilience but since I survived such a crazy environment, I definitely am pretty resilient.
Amen! I am identifying with everything you have experienced and pray for all of us to heal and be the people we truly are.... Not what we were told we were, sadly...unless we kept pleasing
There is a site called Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents on line. It’s great, free, lots of information and opportunity to ask questions about own situation. Check it out if you need it.
A LOT of people is discussing it now. By the grace of GOD. They weren't discussing it years ago. That is why the abuse, dysfunction, and toxic patterns and cycles were able to continue.
I fear that it’s a common feature of people from the 20th century that is normalized, and people don’t notice or they romanticize it. I think narcissistic parenting styles has been encouraged up until recently. Millennials are going nuts and it’s waking people up. These poor younger generations come from generations of traumatized vampires, it’s no wonder they’re “soft” and dependent. But luckily people are starting to become aware, and hopefully we’re seeing a correction begin. I come from a narcissistic father/family but instead of being submissive I just rebelled - too much - and was a bull in a China shop in society for like 20 years. Huge ego, mad at the world, identity issues, high anxiety, alcoholism. But now I know why and have peace, and I know exactly how NOT to parent. I know how to respect kids as their own individuals, support them in their interests, make them feel safe and self-secure, foster their strengths and love them unconditionally and guide them around dangers as they do their own thing. I’m 30 and not a father yet but I’d like to be one day.
I am turning 50 this year, and I can subscribe to basically all of those behaviors, people-pleasing, hyper-vigilance...yep, but finally, slowly getting over that.
My mother is a narcissist. She also suffers from PTSD and CPTSD. I strongly believe she has these narcissistic traits as "revenge" on her past and "someone owes her." I told my mother something that was true and provable. She dismissed me, I tried to defend the hurt I felt from her, and she then said, "I was never allowed to be right when I was young. I'm your mother and you have no right to challenge me." I was 32 at the time, and I was reiterating medical advice her doctor had given me. She couldn't accept that what I was saying was truth.
Narc parents NEVER let you grow up because that would mean treating you with respect and a sense of equality instead of acting like a godly figure. One of the reasons I went NC was realizing I would never grow up under their mental domination and infantilization they use as a control mechanism, to destroy your confidence and sense of self.
Omg! This is what people do to me…I call it the curse of Cassandra who was given the gift of prophesy but when she rejected apollo, he cursed her with no one believing her prophecies
Yes, why my nursing 'career' only lasted 8 yrs. Always second guessing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did connect with the patients well but i fell into major depression and never felt validated that i was doing a good job. Was afraid of the doctors/authority figures. Today i work on my own business ventures where i feel i can validate myself and am more in control of the environment.
Wow! This is so interesting...I am also a nurse but left clinical about 7 years ago because I was a very anxious nurse and I never thought to connect how I was feeling with how I was raised. Thank you so much for your comment as you have really given me something to ponder :)
@@jmdyjs same here, to both (a-brother wasn't a narc, was treated as a golden child but thankfully turned out decent as an adult, a-mum had some narc tendencies but not full blown, but a-dad and his own mother had a lot of narc tendencies).
I am on the autistic spectrum but also have narc trauma and was bullied. I have difficulty picking up social cues yet I am hyper vigilant about negative emotions in others. Makes so much sense now.
God bless you! I grew up with a narcissist and I am parenting two boys with Autism....I admire people on the spectrum. So strong and brave...I wish you all the best in your future and relationships..
I’m also on the spectrum with two autistic sons and a narc mother. I did have a break from her for a while and I did lots and lots of research on all things autism and narcissism although it took me years to realise and accept that she’s narcissistic….I thought for ages that she was borderline. Now (because of chronic fatigue caused by all these issues) I have to live with her!!!😫. She can be nice (hence the confusion) but I am chief entertainment provider…everything revolves around her days out and I can only go out alone unless I’m going somewhere she doesn’t want to go. But what I want to say is that I’ve made a lot of progress and I’d never let any other narcissists into my life because I can spot them very easily. It’s something that sets you off on a self development journey and it can be very tough but ultimately I’m an empathic person and my mum is an empty shell.
I'm 40 years old and only recently started realizing and accepting that my loving mother is in fact a hardcore narcissist, and that her upbringing, though well meant, damaged me forever. I've been trying to heal for the last few years but with very little success.
It's a long road back, but you have an amazing tool set! Children raised by Narc Moms tend to be VERY resilient. (They had to be - their survival depended on it!) Chances are you also developed the gift of empathy, are able to read emotions, and are very independent. Children who live with a narc parent develop keen survival instincts... instincts which become very useful later in life. Yes, we were damaged. But like a broken bone, we heal stronger. Much love to you, my friend.
Kyrgizion: I well remember the day I realized that my mother's treatment of me my entire childhood was Verbal Abuse. I had thought it was Me...because I was told that I was the cause of all the problems in the family! I was almost 50 years old when I came to understand that she had verbally abused me. It was all about her...not me. It isn't easy to get free from parental programing, but by God's grace I believe what He says about me now, and I believe in His love for me and I live now with a quiet heart. I pray you will look to God through His word for your way out of the darkness of lies into the light of truth and life.
Hi, here is a book I loved and a suggestion for you. By Lindsay C Gibson: Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It was really awesome. She has free articles and videos too. I am rooting for you and send best wishes ✨️
With very little success because of your mindset. It starts with your language: "damaged me forever" isn't exactly productive as you set the outcome that is opposite of what you need.
Oh man, yeah being too aware of other people's emotional states can be so overwhelming. On the other hand I'm starting to feel like it's becoming a bit of a super power to be able to accurately sniff out people and their motives.
I can detect a narcissist VERY fast because of this. I was on a trip and had to be forced to walk around and spend all day with one for multiple days as a tour guide, it was torture.
You can be aware of their states without being responsible for them. MAKE sure you tell them THEY are responsible for them. Be wary of phrase like "you make me crazy" "You make me happy when" and correct them. People are responsible for their own responses and feelings. "well that's nice it makes you happy but I don't have to do that for you." "Sad it makes you crazy but I have the right to do that walk away".
Existential guilt. "You owe me your life!" Guilted and shamed for having wants and needs. No sovereign rights, only grudgingly observed in public to keep up appearances in front of other adults. I wont be going to my "mothers" funeral.
I have found that my parents were not born wanting to harm or hurt their children. They are human beings with flaws. I have come to forgive those flaws. It felt to me they themselves are the broken ones. I am a survivor and am stronger because of their flaws.
I have a parent who is a narcissist and my husband is one too. He’s a covert narcissist so I didn’t see it until I became a different person bc of his abusive behavior and I received help for counseling and from God.
Intentional by my mother and three narcissistic sisters and older brother..they called me a whore at age 16 but they lied about me my whole life..jealousy and being different from them..
I knew as a child that something about my narcissistic dad was “off” but I didn’t have the language for it; I just knew he wasn’t affectionate and supportive like my friends’ dads. Then I heard the word “narcissist” for the first time. Curious, I looked up the criteria according to the DSM-5, and it was eye-opening. I finally had a word for it, I had the language, and this helped immensely in therapy on my road to recovery. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and I have just about all the traits listed in this video (I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries, still need to work on the people-pleasing). But most importantly, I’m *fighting back* whenever Dad’s narcissistic behavior starts up. The look on his face every time I stand up for myself is priceless.
"When will I be made to feel small?" As soon as you feel good about yourself. I think my mother had a homing device that let her know the second I started feeling okay about myself. She trained my siblings to do the same thing. It's so automatic they don't even realize they're doing it. i have extremely limited contact with them.
Exactly. After my mom died my sister stepped up to the role of chief narcissist. Like the wicked witch of the west was worse than her dead sister, my sister was worse than my mother.
I am 59 years old and only in December of 2023, did I finally figure out that my mom is a narcissist. She can never accept responsibility for anything going wrong. I wish that I had known about this years ago. I would have such a better life.
I show a lot of borderline tendencies. I just have discovered that I spent a lot of my life in total dysregulation. I call it going on autopilot. It's horrible. I am only recovering now that I'm 60. I knew I had CPTSD, but didn't know what to do about it. Watching your explanation is incredibly helpful in seeing all of the conflicting emotions and thoughts that cause paralysis.
Yep, that's me! Dr fox, I had a scary occurrence this evening. I left work early because it was snowing, and nearly had a head-on collision with an oncoming car. We scraped each other's sides at about 50 kph, and she got scratched and my side mirror was broken . I thought I was about to bite the big one, and I didn't want to go. I still have things to do! It made me think maybe I'm trying too hard in life. I should not have gone to work at all today. I should have checked the forecast. How sad and what a waste if my life was lost due to stupid snow, due to trying to measure up, trying to make enough money to be worthy and to not be deemed a failure period to prove to my aunt that I'm working hard enough. But it's not worth it. My child needs a mother. That was a brush with death tonight.
Spot on! I’m 2 years 0 contact with mother. Father died 2020. Let the healing commence! But… single for 4 years. Learning to recognize, break patterns and set boundaries.
This is me. I'm blamed by parents for all of their own issues that have nothing to do with me, constant criticism, nothing I do is ever good enough. No stable relationships, friendships are not supportive, no life partner. Middle-aged now, too late to build a life now. At this point I don't believe anyone would want me or that I can rely on anyone new.
it is never too late. Find what your true passion or purpose is by using mediation lie Vision Walk and do it may be in an experiential transformative holiday away. It changed my life.
I realised I was giving my parents empathy and validation, compassion and understanding. Not triggering their sore spots, I thought they loved me, then I woke up! To who they are what they've done and what they're about! They're selfish, inconsistent, cruel, thoughtless, angry, contemptuous, disdainful, moody, incapable, manipulative, bullying, secretive, demanding, closed minded and messed my whole life up. Once you wake up, the reality is stark
Thank you Mary, I wish I could. I didn't wake up until I got seriously ill, now I'm stuck living close by. I'm working on it though. Getting ill is how I saw it all in technicolour, very painful. All the very best to you 👋✌
@@bereal6590 May you continue to heal and leave behind this chapter of your life! Whatever mistreatment you experienced may it only be a distant memory 😎✌️😘
Fifty years after the fact, I discover from my narc mother that when I was 5 years old there was a mother/child tea put on by the school for the first day. The kids went off to class, leaving the mothers with their tea party. Well, apparently I dashed off with the other kids, happy as a clam. Fifty years later she confronts me "AND YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED BACK!" Major narc injury. My older sister kicked up such a fuss my mom had to sit in with her for the first few days of classes. Mom refused to give us independence. (My sister stayed living with Mom until Mom's death in her 90s)
Yes, I look back on it, and at every stage of my growth, my narcissistic mother tried so hard to sabotage me. :( I'm amazed that I pushed through to finish post-graduate school and have a successful career. I think my only saving grace is I never went back after I graduated from high school, and just kept moving farther and farther away...... I didn't even invite my parents to my wedding, because my dad said, "I don't want to meet your boyfriends anymore." Plus I was a student, and working when we got married. We couldn't afford it. I realize now, my parents crashed my elopement. My mother hates my husband, because he had NORMAL parents. He can see through her and doesn't put up with her bizarre manipulation. He was so patient with me as I navigated understanding the sociopathy my mother displayed all my life. I am sure my mother thinks my husband "stole" me from her. But I am not a possession. I don't belong to her. I don't belong to my husband. I have free will, and she absolutely HATES that. As she ages, and has started developing dementia, she has gotten more and more paranoid and MEANER to the point that she wanted control over my bank account. CREEPY. I never thought she would have devolved to this point. So many delusional behaviors.
My mother cant remember something I said an hour ago but can remember in detail, perceived sleights and embarrassing stories about me from when I was 4-8 years old. Most of the perceived sleithts were not even real and were she not a freaking lunatic, would be perceived as healthy childhood development and individualism.
I’m wondering if there are others with narc.mothers who don’t listen? I have to tell her things, especially when it comes to things about myself, over and over again. They never register. It’s like she nods her head but she’s not listening?
My narcissistic "parents" tried to create this self-blame etc in me but I was always very objective. I knew by 5 years old that I was with seriously disturbed people. And by 12 yrs old I was like F you! I'm doing what I want, not staying here with your craziness!
i hope both of you commenting are being sure to prioritize your self care 💚 there are lots of groups & communities online who can understand & help support you while navigating relationships with narcissists you can't or don't want to go full contact with
Thank you for explaining my life. Dr. Fox. I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents (dx by a psychiatrist). Can finally muster some self-compassion for the anguish i endured as a child and my poor choices in choosing romantic partners in adulthood. The empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and resilience are lasting gifts i intend to put to good use. Thanks again. A lifesaver. ❤
Yes the gifts of empathy and sensitivity etc is the positive outcome I have that too but sadly still sad and confused deep down and inside from childhood trauma Also just a question do 2 narcissists parents get on or do they clash both being strong willed and wanting things under their control???
@@MissG8340 Please be gentle with yourself and allow all.the time needed to heal. One of the best youtube comments that helped me i will pass along to you. "Get it together and find your worth." I do not know in general if 2 narcissists who marry each other get along. My mother was grandiose. She called the shots. My father was covert (vulnerable). He undermined her efforts via passive aggressive tactics that were subtle, sly, and cruel. They divorced after 32 years of wedded misery. Good luck, you can rise and shine.
@@victoriam2894 hi Victoria Thank you for your reply I try to be kind to myself but all those thoughts of your not good enough, why are you stupid that I was bought up to think about myself criticise myself over and over It’s like I’m just stuck in a rut where I know im worthy and have value and am aware I was treated badly and wrongly growing up but also I just don’t no how to move forward It’s just trying to have the strength and confidence to be independent and move forward with my life My upbringing was with a dominant narcissist father who controlled every move we made made us feel worthless and disabled us in such a way we were made to feel we couldnt survive without him and also that we owed him our life as he felt he was God and everything that happened was because of him
@@MissG8340 yes, I believe I understand. These discouraging thoughts get implanted when you are small. They get stuck and keep looping in the mind until they seem true. Except they are not the truth. They are your father's lies. To feel better you must decide to leave him behind. It is hard. You are worth it.
Thank you ❤ Yes its exactly that, the mindless loop that just goes round and round and round and believes all the negative thoughts inputted by my narc father It’s terrible I trusted him so I feel stupid for believing him growing up but at the same time your parents are the first ppl you trust 😢 It’s so hard I’m lonely 😞 and although sociable no one would ever understand what I go through It feels like the world is strong but me I was stupid to believe everything and even 42 years later seeing that it’s wrong find it hard to tell my mind that I know think my narc father was prob intimidated by my potential to be successful to be strong to be something in life so he put me down and made sure I never had a chance 😢
My father beat me a bit too often on top screaming at me regularly. It took me quite some years/decades to learn to set boundaries, to not curse the world, and to care and to have faith in the good. It’s difficult to quit the blaming game and to focus on making things a bit better, but definitely doable.
Love this video! For me, self compassion has been the biggest game changer. So many things fall into place when you can actually start to value yourself. Setting boundaries is getting easier. It used to feel like I was walking into a black hole.
Yep. Narcissists will get so upset when you "call them out", point out their behavior. It shatters their self-centered, warped reality of themself as entitled. Welcome the space she puts between you. You deserve better.
9:23 This really impacted me deeply and the worst part is in my african culture if you are a kid they dismiss your feelings entirely till you reach an age where it can get difficult with laws etc. I always wanted to feel seen when i was a little child I wanted them to consider me and my feelings and not being treated like a burden. I never understood why they were so mad and always blame me infront of other acquaintances or people and threatened me. I forgave them a long time ago even now when I am in my adulthood they changed a lot yet it doesn’t dismiss what I went through and how I subconsciously react and cope with life. I feel shameful all the time and in alert
A plea to spouses of narcissitic parents: Get them away from your kids! My Dad was great and any strengths I have resemble those of a girl raised by an only Dad. But they’re overshadowed by the emotional damage caused by my mother. I would have been far better off with no mother at all.
same, one of my few memories of childhood was crying alone at kindergarten feeling like "i want my mommy" but realizing the woman who had that role in my life was absolutely not who i wanted & would never be while grateful i understood that so young & it definitely was helpful, i still took decades to fully go no contact (which honestly happened mostly accidentally as was too depressed to have contact with anyone) i hope you were able to not only escape to survive but have created the sort of life you always deserved & are now thriving 🌈
I ran away from home regularly from the age of 4, even created my own 'den' by the river as my new home because I knew I needed to get away permanently as soon as I could manage by myself. Eventually left permanently at 15...
At 7 I was convinced my “real Mom” was hidden somewhere against her will and replaced by this woman pretending to be my mother. So I looked for signs of a secret room in the house. Pathetic!
Wow. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I was clipping coupons for when I moved out. I was 5. Imagine my disappointment when I found out coupons expired.
Notice, he's saying "narcissistic" not narcissist. He's not saying your parent necessarily had NPD, just that they had many traits of NPD. This means you don't have to wonder about whether or not they would actually be diagnosed, you can focus on what they did.
After that childhood, when you fall in love, you want to give love a chance and give your pleasing devoted best. You repeat that a few times, in a society where narcissistic people look for you. You repeat the bad experiences over and over, pleasing some idiots, until you find the window out, through the same skills they have, of retaliation directed back towards them, by quietly studying their narcissistic behavior. You switch to their rules, giving yourself new permission to be verbally, brutally logical, cold, business-like, non-caring, distrusting, critical, non-forgiving and with a hateful cold flame, which only you, yourself control. They have no effect on your emotions, even when they tell you that they have slept with your best friend, in order to isolate you. Then telling them to get gone, you begin a life again. Distrust, but more wisdom, gets you to a point where can cut off the wrong people quicker and have a decent life. You save you, with self-love. You experience a happy ending and a new beginning to live, however you want. Freedom is a breath of sweet air, compared to a prison cell, with a person whose heart is chained to a narcissistic soul.
Thank you for sharing your journey! It takes a lot of courage to prioritize your well-being, and I'm glad to hear that it's making a difference for you.
I’ll be 34 in August and I actually grew up with a covert narcissistic mother. I see SO much of this in me. To make matters worse, I went straight into an 8 year prison/slavery to a narc “best friend”. I am now (as of yesterday) a year free. Freedom is possible, but it’s been a damn long journey!!
This is one of the best descriptions of it that I have ever heard. It isn't just a list of traits. It's background information and encouragement to be strong enough to stand up instead of being knocked down. Well done.
Thank you for explaining all this. I feel all these things. I’m an only child and my narcissistic mom is aging making me her sole caregiver. The nightmare continues. Trying to set boundaries, gray rock, but hard to heal when I’m still in the thick of it. I feel both permanently damaged, but also a better human as I never wanted to be like her.
I understand what you’re saying, and that is a difficult position. I admire you for doing what you feel is the right thing to do. I wish you all the best.
My mother had narcissistic parents. Thanks to yours and others' videos I now begin to understand what she went through. What I don't know is how to deal with it/her. She still destroys herself and her health for her parents who aren't even alive anymore. She can't say no, she always has to function, being sick or not available is not an option. Other people take advantage of her. She feels she has to please everybody.. I see all this and I feel I can't do anything about it. I hate what my grandparents did to her. 😕
This is very accurate. I always liked the analogy that a narcissistic parent has an "ownership mentality". Boundaries don't matter, because you are their "property". I still have stress nightmares at the age of 53. Fiercely independent is spot on accurate. I had hip surgery and it was very difficult for me having to rely on people. Of course the narcissistic parent was all over it when I was at my weakest and attempted to get me to move in with them. Yes, you see everyone with that same hidden agenda. You really have to try hard to give people a chance.
The way he laid out how it shapes your personality throughout your life was spot on. Just found this channel. Really looking forward to learning more and finally healing.
I never learnt to put boundaries in my home because they said everything bothered me. I have live in insolation for decades because I don’t want to be abused and be treated like worthless by others. I agree with the video. One thing that I have never lost is my right of autonomy. It was preferred for me stay alone than be controlled. Finally I will start therapy and learn personal boundaries. Now I understand that I don't deserve live in insolation for the rest of my life. Thanks Dr. Fox for all the informative videos!
This opened my eyes to a degree, everything makes sense now. Thank you for the explanations. All this time I thought I was the one who was always at fault, always to blame for every little thing, when mom was the issue all along. I gave up keeping a diary when I was a teen because she'd enter my room and read it all, then confront me about whatever I was writing: my crushes rejecting me, my school struggles (I have ADHD, but didn't know at the time because she wouldn't give me any financial support to go to any doctor except the GP), the way I was bullied at school, and somehow she made it sound it was my fault for all of this. If I would write about the little accomplishments I made, she would make it sound unimportant and say that I haven't won the Nobel prize or something. Everything I did, even in my adulthood, it was somehow always wrong in her eyes. The moments when she made me feel loved and accepted were very few. I'd blame myself and drown in sorrow and despair, asking myself why I am unable to do anything right, even tried to unalive myself a few times because of this. Luckily it didn't come to that. She wouldn't let me go anywhere either, wouldn't let me have friends, or a social life. She liked to micromanage every bit of my life. Fortunately I found a job in another city, so it suddenly got easier for me to distance from her and get some help, as people kept telling me what she does is not normal and I am not to blame. I cut contact with her two months ago when the pressure and toxicity from her became unbearable, and though it broke my heart to stop the contact, I feel so much better ever since. I love her, but I can't be near her.
Great breakdown of narcisstic abuse. Took me 40 years to realize that this video was my childhood and my family. Felt like you were talking about me specifically
I was raised by two narcissist so I didn't have a chance at a healthy happy life. When I finally got away from them, I fell prey to another narcissist. I now have a restraining order and severe CPTSD.
I was told by my parents when I was 12 years old, "There is no such thing as a child to have a social life. You do as we tell you to do, you wear the clothes we allow you to wear and you accept everything and anything we say or do as TRUTH. Don't ever question us about what we decide and anyway, your opinion means nothing to us. We brought you into this world and we can take you back out. PERIOD.
@@DrDanielFox I was a 4th generation of a cult that the people in it, believe in other men actually having the word of God come through their mouths. Any new thing they thought of and that was the way it was. You are right though, I would not be the person I am today without going through the experiences the Most High has put me through. In other words, I would still be spiritually blind and have no idea of who I am, where I came from, how I got here, and where here is. God be with you brother and thank you for your comment.
I relate to alll of this! I have been learning boundaries, self-respect & esteem, but I'm 61 yrs old, & after being the scapegoat of a narc mom, I married a narc. I'm grieving so many lost yrs. It helps to be validated by videos like yours. I appreciate you pointing out the positives. Through my faith, & much counsel, I am so much healthier. This video is 1 of the most comprehensive, accurate, & balanced videos I've seen about what we experience, how we function, & what we need to do. Thank you
Thank you for doing what you do and with such compassion. Last summer I told my mom it would be nice if she asked me how I am back sometimes when I ask her how she is. She will always type out a paragraph and never ask about my life, for 10 years. She was so offended by me asking this that she blocked my number and ignored me on our birthday we share. I even apologized and said I wasn't attacking her, I really just wanted to be genuinely closer. She still thinks I'm evil and "dangerous for her mental health" and said horrible things about my dad and brother because they actually love me. I tried for months to make up and eventually asked "do you even want children" and she said "no thanks". That's when I decided to go no contact. That was in mid December so it's only been a couple months. It really sucks because I have sooo much love for her and worry about her all the time, but I know she doesn't feel the same. Sorry for venting, but this is what being an ANP is. But I will say, as I get older and with going to therapy for a few years and having a sane partner with good parents, I am starting to understand the correct way to think and the correct way to treat others. I was in ignorant bliss until 22, realized parents are supposed to be nice and had a ton of anger for for like 5 years, and now I'm getting to the point I can see it all from a larger perspective and know I deserved better, but to live and enjoy my own life. My spirituality has helped me a lot because I truly believe we reincarnate and we have ancient souls. It helps me believe that I am not just my mother's daughter, my soul existed for many lives before I even met her. It helps me feel like she is not a requirement in my life, I don't need her. I also feel like I have some of the bad traits my mom has because that is the only person who raised me and my only example. I also am hyper sensitive to criticism like she is, and I understand she is probably just deeply insecure, which makes me sad for her and have sympathy from afar instead of anger. I see her in myself at times, so I understand her, but that scares me sometimes. When you talked about the narcissistic wound, I almost have that but it's a cptsd wound. But I do feel like I have a self-awareness that she doesn't, so I can work at it and be a better person.
I think my son Shane said it best when I was divorcing my narcissistic wife. It's not that she won't Dad , she can't. Don't start to feel sorry for her. Move on and enjoy the good people in your life.
You can stay no contact as you work through separating who you are from who your mother wants you to be 😊 you’re not her mother but your own mother now ❤
According to Dr. Craig Childress, narcissism is the result of pathological parenting. And, since attachment, whether secure or insecure, is intergenerational, one can expect this narcissism to continue from one generation to the next, until the attachment disturbances are repaired. This is done by remapping the internal working models of attachment, beginning with the primary internal working model of attachment and moving from insecure to earned secure attachment, and then tackling the secondary internal working model of attachment, known as Core Conflictual Relationship Themes, and, finally, resolving any trauma-bonding. A great overview about the aforementioned is found in the de-facto standard book on attachment and psychopathology, "Attachment Disturbances in Adults - Treatment for comprehensive Repair", 2016, by Drs. Daniel P. Brown (†), David S. Elliott, et. Al.
@@ace6285 How exactly do you intend to meaningfully advance my understanding of the aforementioned or anything pertaining to it? I mean: "a lot of words"... Love the specificity!
My narcissistic parent had me diagnosed with Bipolar, I was already diagnosed with ADHD then she had me drugged up so I wasn't so opinionated while on bipolar med. Sooo sad. Now at 47 an 3 years no contact I feel amazing mentally especially now that I understand what my personal hell actually was. And what Gaslighting an Narcissistic abuse was. Thank you
Wow! I think I have watched 100s of hours of youtube on narcissism and this is the clearest one I have seen re growing up with a narcissistic parent. It explains my childhood/adult paradigms so clearly. Never lose heart. When you have dealt with the negative effects of having a narcissistic parent and you trust your intuition 100%, your empathy and sensitivity towards others is a very powerful force which allows you stride through life with grace. Nice one Daniel 👍
My mother was a beautiful woman who was totally obsessed with herself. Everything was about her. There was no father. I realised at an early age I would have to raise myself, which I did, with varying degrees of success and failure.
I had a dear friend who was raised by two narcs. She most definitely suffered undiagnosed BPD. She passed from her autoimmune disorder at 36 and honestly I felt relief for her. She was still living with her horrific mother who used her illness to scare her from trying to leave home and live on her own. She’s at true peace now.
I’m damaged beyond repair. I forgive but my identity was never lost because it was never allowed to develop in the first place. I’ll never know anything but guilt and people pleasing. I’ll never know what boundaries are like. I’ll never know what kind of person I could have been. I will die oppressed and beaten down. No matter how hard I try to overcome the need to isolate from people and insecurities, I’m stuck with these traits. Thanks Mom. I love you anyway.
thank you, dr. fox. i was in a (2) yr. relationship with an extreme narcisst and finally left him. Took (7) yrs. to get over him so awful. love bombing, LIES, safety, endless CHEATING & LIES, then safety in the extreme, then MORE DECEITS it went on and on. SO awful. Never again. Now I find myself close, in a manner of speaking (NOT intimate) with another Narcisst almost as bad as the 1st one. Been binge watching Narcisst traits videos. Yours is the very best. Not the screaming, freaking out interpreters but calm and useful for me. Thank you. It's not their fault at all. BUt I cannot go through or live through another Narcisst. As an adult child of child abuse and torture, I cannot open up to a 2nd Narcisst. I need to remain safe inside my isolationist cocoon where things are calm and safe most of the time for me and the litte broken inner child that I care for. Thank you for helping with this dilemma and making things more clear for me and my inner child.
My father was a narc, i remember being taken to a psychiatrist at 7 years old, by my parents and he said his not the problem you are,his learning negative traits from you, i remember my father storming out in a rage.
My adoptive mother was very controlling. I was shamed for feelings of anger or sadness. Then when the put-downs made me express feelings of guilt, my parents showed disgust for my ‘self-pity.’ There was no way to redeem myself. Theses memories go back to the age of three.
I agree with everything you have said - My mother was the narc and my father emotionally and physically unavailable - I went on to marry someone just like my father. I divorced him a long time ago after years of therapy. As for my mum - well she told me something not long before she died which I had suspected - she was repeatedly sexually abused by her father from a young age and was his "Princess". I was able to forgive her because of the empathy I have and the gut instinct. I also remember the good things she did give me and the biggest of all is being born. Yes growing up was a nightmare which caused enormous damage. I have now been married to a man who adores me for a long time and I see my instinct, resiliance and empathy as gifts. I had to learn to forgive in order to heal.
A very good posting and advise. After now I can set boundary to my NPD mom and husband, all Dr Daniel shared here is detail and he showed truly step by step. Wish I found this posting years back.
I only cottoned onto the fact I had Narc parents about 18 months ago thanks to videos on You Tube (I’m in my 60’s) and realise now how much my childhood has blighted my adulthood (as two failed marriages can testify). It’s like a slow sui*ide from which there’s little hope of escape. Anyone with similar parent(s), GET OUT as soon as you can so their ‘poison’ doesn’t kill YOU.
So true! I wish I had got out and stayed out. I finally stopped seeing my family in 2018. I have so many auto immune diseases, and I really blame it on my parents and my second marriage. The key is to get away and stay away.
Hi, I'm 74, it took years of therapy to recover from my mother's message. My younger brother recently said, "mom's dead, she can't hurt you anymore". My dad always said don't upset your mother. All the best. Tina, Al's wife
I've never seen anyone describe this like you have. Wow thank you for validation of children who grew up in this environment I'm getting therapy soon for myself so that I can be a better me and live a better me unapologetically ❤
Thanks for your educational experience and resources, and support. I'm looking forward to listening to this topic because I would like to better understand how narcissism effects children that have grown up in an environment that involves covert narcissism and the human behavior and development that takes place in becoming an adult. God-bless.
This is a long post for me! I was never really shown (I realised as I aged and witnessed other people's parents and families), much obvious 'warmth' from my mother, yet I remember always showing her warmth and adoration from being very young but this seemed to become expected that it was one way, from me to her. She was always the one who was deserving of admiration as she often portrayed herself as a victim of some kind, with stories she would tell about her own childhood and life experiences where she had an unhappy home life, which was true I believe, and had had to escape it by getting married to move away. Sadly the marriage broke down after 20 years, my father became an alcoholic, home life became impossible and she had to leave him in the end, taking my sister and I with her, other traumatic things happened related to that time which I won't elaborate on here. Growing up I was always a quiet and well behaved child, extremely shy too and always tried to please her, my life seemed to revolve around that in many ways. Definitely strong elements of authoritarianism, 'do as you're told' 'because I say so' 'children should do or not do this' etc which was more the way people were brought up in those days but there was also a lot of control through manipulation and guilt-mongering too. I was expected to be obedient, do well at school, behave like a model citizen etc, which I almost always did, whilst also often being judged and criticised, feeling that I was automatically in the wrong, 'jokingly' mocked, belittled, undermined, the benefit of the doubt was usually not given, there was always that feeling of being in trouble for something but not sure what. I think she controlled me using guilt. I learned that I could not really go to her for much emotional support, there were no hugs or anything unless I initiated it and I really had to learn to become emotionally self-reliant, which carried on into adulthood. Most interactions with her even now decades later, end up with me feeling worse not better as at any meetings in person she will usually start some kind of needling in front of others and unless I ignore or laugh it off it would end up with bickering or worse and her having the last word as always. On the phone too I often end up feeling like I have to defend or explain myself, whilst being interrogated or having the obvious pointed out to me like I'm an imbecile. I think it has affected me in terms of my own relationships with others. She almost always hijacks conversations to turn it round to herself, and any problems always seem to be much, much worse for her, somehow her experiences have always been much more meaningful and mine less so. She will never treat me as an equal, she has always asserted and still asserts her perceived authority over me, eg 'I am still your Mother' but not meant in a kind way, in a power control way. She has always criticised, judged and undermined me throughout my childhood, also she kept me very dependent on her even when I was a teenager, for instance no cooking by me was really encouraged unless I followed her strict written instructions to make very simple elements of a meal, it was disempowering and left me with little confidence as it had to meet her exacting standards otherwise it would not be acceptable. She was either too busy or too tired to show me how to do many things around the home, even just dusting furniture I had to be shown the correct way that had to be followed and must be done like that with no diverting from it. I had very little privacy growing up, no respect for my boundaries, which I think for my mother, just didn't exist! My childhood wasn't all bad as it might sound by any means, I did occasionally meet up with friends and even went camping with the Girl Guides and did some youth hostelling too, which were rare forays into the world, always with strict instructions but still there were some small episodes of freedom. I never got pocket money like most of my schoolmates, I always had to ask for things I might want, apart from birthday money from relatives etc. I got a Saturday job when I was 17 so had a bit of my own money that way. I eventually left home to go away 122 miles to university at the age of 17, a complete ingenue really, (I made my own way there with a rucksack and overstuffed suitcase on a 5 hour journey involving a taxi, several trains and a bus, as my parents were too busy!). As a result, after my first taste of freedom, being able to make my own decisions even about the smallest things and not having to explain myself all the time, I realised that I could never, ever go back in any permanent way to the home situation I had come from. I think my refusal to move back after I graduated was something my mother has never forgiven me for and at times I feel she still holds it against me, she definitely bears grudges. As the years have gone by I have had to further distance myself from her (and still am, geographically too) because with almost every interaction I have with her I end up feeling worse about everything and it is just depressing. In the last couple of decades she seems to have fixed upon my younger sister as her favourite (there's just the two 2 of us) who she has said, 'understands her' implying of course that I don't and I am very much excluded from their bubble, being the last to know about things they arrange without involving me, like an afterthought. She has done things like (years ago) insisting that if I wanted to become a member of an online gaming community group she was in, that I must not reveal to anyone that I was related to her for some reason I never understood, basically I had to pretend I was a stranger to her? There is a level of paranoia there I feel. When I had my son she wouldn't become involved very much with giving any baby advice, she lived about a mile away but didn't visit that often. I will never forget once when I was telling her about some defiant behaviour of his or something, as a young boy (I can't recall the details) and asked what she thought I should do, she stated 'It's too late, the damage has been done' - what kind of thing is that to say, I was stunned! In the past I cared for her after major surgery and also when my stepfather died suddenly I travelled regularly up and down 2 hours' drive there to stay with her, support and help her in many ways and then had her move to live with me and my husband because she was becoming ill with grief, isolated and alone as she had no friends. I feel like I definitely did my part as a daughter but I usually end up feeling rejected. My mother is now in her eighties, will never change and I maintain a relationship with her at a distance to preserve my own wellbeing!
66 here. Hard to get over it. Wow, just selfish insanity. Unfortunately my daughter got some of it passed on to her. At least way less. It’s been hard for her. She had a narcissistic husband. When I saw myself in him, it broke me severely. I do admit my disastrous ways. My mother still criticizes me and she is not able to recognize her selfish ways of narcissism. She is too righteous to do so. I did copy some of her ways. I have truly changed and I will continue to do so. I tell my daughter as much as I can that things were not her fault. I do my best to change, make amends, & not repeat. Watching her divorce this narcissist has been very painful. I am sorry beyond words. I hope & pray every day that she believes me and the sees changes.
That’s really good that you recognise it in yourself. I’ve given up trying to speak to my mum. She just will never admit fault in anything. It just breaks my heart. Everything is about her. Everything is my fault. How do I speak to her about it without her going mad?
Spectacular video! I have all the traits. I'm so glad videos like this are available now to young people. It was tough for those of us who were well into adulthood before the internet came along.
Your point on hyper-vigilance rings true. I very early developed the coping mechanism of tuning my mother out. I remember her asking me why I never listened to her and the reason was , just as you describe, her inconsistent rules and descriptions of the world didn't match my reality so I stopped listening. I understood hypocrisy and gas lighting decades before I knew there definitions.
Thanks, Doc! Your video is extremely helpful! I have completely moved through this developmental process over the last 20 years. It was not fun but it is SO WORTH IT. I just wish I got the hang of it sooner. Thank you for helping me see what I have achieved with many diffrent people helping along my way. My biggest thanks is to God for guidance and strength ❤
How revealing. Both my parents were narcissists. Once I was an adult whenever I tried to set a boundary with my Mom or behaved in a way contrary to how she intended me to act she'd say the most horrific things to me effectively cutting my heart out, stomping it flat, then when she saw she'd gone too far she'd "apologize" by saying , "I love you." I came to associate a mother's love with the bowels of Hell level of hatred which I internalized. I wonder if that and the abuse is why at every change in my life, from my graduations from elementary school, junior high, high school & college, to as each job ended that I'd close that part of my life as if I was closing a book and ended all relationships I had during each period effectively putting them permanently in the past. How sad to only now realize this. And to think I managed to be her primary caregiver the last three years of her life when she had dementia.
I don't know how you can survive both parents being narcissistic. My mother was narc + hypomanic. Fortunately my father was relatively normal, the only thing that saved me psychologically. Saved my life really.
my dad's an overt/grandiose narc, my mom's a covert/vulnerable narc with borderline personality disorder & my only sister's a covert/vulnerable narc - think being autistic's the main thing that saved me partly as my lifelong special interest has been cognitive sciences so i can understand & hopefully avoid being like them but the complex ptsd & disorganized/fearful-avoidant attachment style i have from growing up with those people has certainly made it difficult to survive & honestly, if hadn't gotten pregnant (by an anti-social narc of course 😬) i probably wouldn't have but i couldn't subject my kid to the impact of parental self deletion
@@Thatsbannanas-d8calthough we can't completely get away from our scars, we *absolutely* can create lives worth living & not just survive but thrive 💚 self hatred is such a horribly unfair scar that many can't truly comprehend (like most who casually call others narcissists don't understand just how bad it can get when one's pathological instead of just selfish, etc) that you watched this & commented on it shows you're still trying to move forward! i sincerely hope you can at least see & respect that about yourself i still struggle with self hatred, feeling unlovable, extreme difficulty trusting, etc & often forget how much better things are than they were but they absolutely *are* better & i'm sure they can be for you, too 🌈 have you tried working on developing more self compassion? often people are encouraged to jump too far too fast from self hatred to self love, but just recognizing all you've been through & validating your own strength can be a powerful middle step i've always struggled with self compassion as it reminds me of excuses my covert/vulnerable narc mom with bpd would make but since my own child became a teen it's becoming a bit easier as can't imagine putting them through things i experienced (thankfully have almost no memories of my earlier childhood) even if you don't have your own children or understandably have complex relationships with them, just imagining what you'd think of & how you'd treat someone else who has been through what you have might help
Both mine were. It's tough. I had to get all my validation from school and other adults: as a kid I was always having crushes on teachers, other moms and dads. I was gifted mentally and physically, so I was able to excel outside the home. I think that saved me from insanity. But I'm still pretty insecure, and probably will never think I'm good enough. That's why I watch this stuff--I need it.
