Yes they do. When they can't break that down, it makes them furious! But towards the end, I snapped out of the trance he put me in, and I held on to my boundaries and the truth. That's all that kept me going sometimes
You are correct. At first the narc will admire you for what have, that they do not. Perhaps the narc will feel connected, for a short while, then soon the vicarious fix wears off and they realize they still are who they are. Then the narc resents you for having what they wish for. Then out of wanting to avoid their shame they destroy you.
He never believed I loved him or thought he was gorgeous. He thought I was a liar. He would get mad when I would hold steady with my boundaries. After awhile I wasn't having it, he tried so hard to control me. When it didn't work, he started raging. I ran away, I was afraid of him. He would hoover and future fake like crazy, and then things were worse. It really sucked. But it was important for me to constantly express truth and what was really going on between us, and he hated that. It was almost like when I threw truth back in his face, it was an insult to him, he hated me for that, but it kept me sane. It was all I had at the end. I am now 7 months no contact. He texted me the day after Mother's day. (We met that weekend last year) it was painful to read it, it was filled with him bragging about his life, and how he does better in short term relationships, and how he loves me but I never loved him. I blocked the number and deleted the message. At this point I have nothing to say to him. I almost feel bad for him because my life will always be richer than his. He may have money, but I have a real life!
Amen, n I hope u kno that him rejecting yu was God protection over u sister! God saved u, u heard his call and answered! Be proud of your strength. I’m very proud of yu!!!!!!! Stay strong I got this xoxo
I know what you lived I did it the way you did it and I think that they like it when you tell them your boundaries, they create power out of it!!! Our strength should make us go Away and stay away from such kind of cold hearted people… they can not Love… and that’s how they treat others … it’s all about Control!!! But you and me as loving humans can’t accept this… so no Contact is the only way… and no contact is hard to go as long as you see any spark of hope in it!!!! And that’s why we stay too long….knowing there will be no way to heal and change…. Just we can heal and chance !!!
This is so true! In the beginning the narc loved my humor and gregarious social nature. Later he found my humor annoying and resented my friends. This began the phase of isolating me from emotional support. In short he was jealous and threatened by potential competition for my time.
Your so nice and giving to people….. One year later if he heard me just saying hello to someone that I knew in a store or passing on the street you could tell he was angry about it and said that I have too many friends and that He doesn’t talk to people like that so I shouldn’t either
I´ve come to the point that if a person does not reciprocate, I won´t deal with them. Yes, I´ve experienced quite a few of these..word salads, deflection, blame-shifting, love bombing etc...
She loved how handy and capable I was. I’d install faucets, sinks, toilets, wire outlets, install fans, change brakes, so so many things. For her and her parents. I loved doing it because I loved them. Not once did she thank me. Show appreciation. Wouldn’t even Tell me, “hey I appreciate you being at my parents all weekend without me”. Zero. I don’t need praise or worship. Just acknowledge that you like how involved I am in your life. She’d even admit she takes me for granted. I told her, hey I was at your dads all day. Stop being rude. You never say thanks, you never act like anything I did was special. Her response “I don’t have to thank You. We’re dating, this is an expectation. If it means that much to you I’ll just pay someone to do it. Don’t help anymore”. I just crumbled. And kept helping the people I loved.
Once I told aloud that I see this and that about what you do- and once I called out- I was again given silent treatment and blocked! I honestly do not understand any good thing from silent treatment.
He said he loved how big and pure my heart was and how genuine I am. At the beginning of our relationship he wanted to know about my past relationships. I told him of the main ones, but I didn’t think I had to go into detail about everyone. Then he found out about another guy and asked me and I was honest with him, not thinking it was a big deal. But he was furious with me for not mentioning this guy before. He literally kept me awake for two days have circular arguments with me. I apologized over and over. At this time I was only 19, he was 29. In this moment too I remember him saying you were my perfect angel, and now you ruined it for me… now I will never be able to trust you again. I should have ran away right there, but this came out of no where. I thought he was perfect. Also my mom is a covert narc, so it felt familiar I’m guessing. But because my mom was a narc I absolutely hated being gaslit and told something was my fault when it wasn’t. So we would fight like cats and dogs because I wouldn’t let him turn it around on me. So he hated that I was accurate. He had to apologize A LOT! There were only a couple times I would give in and apologize when it wasn’t my fault. But he would use that against me too. He would say wow you are so self righteous, you can never be wrong, I am the one always apologizing. I would be like yes that’s because your the one fucking up… it’s not MY fault you keep causing issues. I shouldn’t have to apologize because of your bad choices. But there were times that would get to me, because he would compare me to my mom. I was honest with him about my mom and he used it against me. He would say your just like your mom you can never be wrong, when it was him you caused the issue. In reality he was just like my mom.
100% Responsibility. My ex told his ex that there was way more freedom when you don't have kids. Coming from a man who has 6 kids to 3 different women.
There was no trust, no matter what I did to try to prove my feelings/or my love, he couldn't ever trust. He said he didn't even know what that would feel like to be able to trust. He is a covert narcissist, he would act like it was so hard to hear compliments when all the while that's what he fed on and later would hate. The kindness, the sweetness things that in the beginning he loved he did have content for eventually also. He thought it was a weakness. When I expressed that with religion I try to forgive, to love more, to be kinder, that was total weakness and the reason he stopped trying to have a religion because he didn't want to have to behave any other way that he wanted to, life is to short to restrict yourself he said. Boundaries were pushed continuously as a way of controlling, it was like a game to him to get me to do or act or forgive something I told him in the beginning I was totally against. He needed the power. There was no accountability for anything, even cheating with 4 other people at the same time. I could go on forever, everything you stated is fact. All of it. Thank you for your platform and your humility and deliverance of your message in a kind and relateable manner.
Seeing kindness as disingenuous really resonated with me. But I think the love portion doesn't do the whole thing justice. As someone diagnosed with NPD I crave love, but I really don't know how to do it in a genuine way outside the grandiose lense. And I feel most of the things said in that list, though true at some level, do not present the way it's indicated in all cases. Especially for the more intelligent ones who can kinda figure out how to maneuver themselves around others. Regardless, best of luck in your recovery. Have a good day!
please seek a good therapist who is an expert on your condition before you date anyone because HONESTY is required before you can ever get the so called LOVE you say you want to have.
@@Coach-Daisy I haven't dated anyone in over three years because I know I'm not ready for it. And I've been in therapy for around the same amount of time
@Victoria Bergman ...You say stuff like that and say narcissists are the ones lacking a conscious? You're clearly sick if those are the beliefs you hold. Having NPD is anything but a choice. It's the most heritable of all the personality disorders and we literally have abnormalities in the brain making us like this. www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/GrayMatterAbnormalitiesInPatientsWithNarcissisticPersonalityDisorder.pdf there's a study proving the fact so you can't just dismiss me out of hand. And trust me I could link more. The fact that NPD stigma has gotten to the point that it's acceptable to say stuff like that and you can dehumanize people with a MENTAL DISORDER shows how necessary it is for pw cluster B disorders to stick up for themselves. I hope you find healing in a more healthy way. Cause this hate towards us isn't doing you any favors.
My Ex-N. has several exquisite pieces of furniture in his house that a former girlfriend had left there. She had moved in with him soon after meeting him, but escaped after only a year. She said that he could keep these pieces if he liked them. When I said that was very generous of her he remarked: "Yes, J. was always so generous. But the only purpose of her generosity was to present herself as a generous person. To make a show of her generosity." He is a terrible miser who aways insisted we split bills when going out though his income was considerably higher than mine and he usually drank and ate more than me. But I am sure in his twisted mind he told himself that was better than being generous because you didn't`t make people think you were a kind person (or something along these lines).
Yes, he kept saying he was a millionaire, but yet, when I didn't do what he wanted me to, then I had to pay half the rent, or, I was a user and a liar. He used money as a manipulation so much! Showering me with a credit card and expensive clothes and jewelry. But if I did one thing "wrong" he would suddenly make reasons up to take things away. At the end, he said I owed him some crazy amount for the clothes he bought me. I told him I wouldn't give him a dime. When I left, I gave back all the jewelry. He twisted that and said I gave it back because I never loved him. He is insane and always will be!
Also, he always said I was taking advantage of him, but I NEVER ASKED for any of those gifts! I refused a lot of things too. Then when I gave the jewelry back he said I never loved him. Ugh! 🙄
"Viewing kindness as disingenuous." My ex didn't like Bob Ross or Mr. Rogers. She said it felt like they were hiding some horrible personality underneath. That was an early red flag that I ignored because it was easily explainable through her past trauma. Two years later, I caught on to the truth, and I can see why she didn't like kindness from others, but would regularly brag about her own kind acts.
They NEVER tell stories about themselves or have goals that are realistic. Never just a promotion in a year, it's the very top. They are never at fault or average. They are always the very best at everything. If not, they degrade it....
1. Malignant narcissists 2. Me. I can't even be first in THIS list! Gotta go second best, I guess. 3. Mammon 4. The Dawnguard 5. The sun (little 's' for you!) 6. People 7. Mid- and rear-engine cars 8. Speed limits 9. The U.S. government 10. Being interrupted 11. Being treated like a moron 12. Projective identification being used on me like some kind of death ray. 13. This term 'The baker's dozen'. Beëlzebub likes the number 13, but just because He is the Devil of Gluttony does not mean He's a baker! (Well, He is a baker, but NOT because His favorite number is 13!)
The things they hate is what GOD LOVES... If We Truly Love God We CAN'T love someone who hates What HE Loves... My Love For God is What made me SEE WHO my ex covert narc husband REALLY was... I am so happy God SAVED me and Brought me BACK to HIM😌🕊️ I am going NO contact FOREVER !!!!
One thing ima tell u all pls forgive the narcissist for what they have done, they sadly are broken n tormented everyday! I forgave my x and had to deal with him because we had to co parent using low contact and after years of drama, he took his life Jan4 this year. I so wish It was something I could have done to help but we all kno a person must want help and to be better! Pray for them and their soul! Be at peace and ask God to help you! Tho I’ve been over the traumabond and healing, his death did a number on me during my healing process! But I trust God, God will deal with everyone at some point! So don’t seek vengeance or wish harm on them, love u all
I agree, and so sorry for what happened.. I always wanted him to be happy and wished happiness for him. It's one of the reasons I left him for good (besides being scared of him, etc) because no matter what I did or said, he was NEVER happy. And I wanted so much for him to just be happy. Finally, I gave up. Realized I just had to focus on my happiness. We had talked about him getting back on meds, counseling, anything, he didn't want to do the things needed to get better. He was trying to take pain killers alcohol and cocaine to manage his behavior.
