The lesser of my two toxic parents will be visiting in a few weeks. For the first time in my life I’m going to order takeout for them. I fully expect them to hurl out insults so this time, they can insult away….I won’t care….I didn’t cook it….
@@Joelswinger34 I would but sometimes we need to pick our battles. This year, my much younger sibling(who I adore) is coming over with his family. They can’t abandon our toxic parent without feeling tremendous guilt so I just let it be. My sibling was too young and partially protected (by me) from our parents.
@@Shortstacksandticktacks Not my sibling. No. But the toxic parent will likely do it behind my back (gossip to other family). But I’ve learned, after many years, not to care about the gossip. As my therapist used to say….”you can’t always have your antenna up”
Thank you for sharing these tips. It's been 10 years since I've gone "no contact" with my family. I spend holidays alone but I'm ok with that. With C-PTSD, it's much easier for me to be alone. I usually watch action movies and cook a nice meal. One thing I've discovered this year is to simplify the Christmas decorations. In years past, my inner child wanted a lot of decor, but every year I found that it was overwhelming and caused too many triggers and I usually put away all my Christmas decor long before Christmas arrived. This year I donated all my old decor and purchased items that were more of a winter theme rather than Christmasy decor. That has helped a lot. I appreciate all the tips you've provided here!!
I do the same thing ! I don’t decorate Christmasy, u use warm lights outside and inside for a cozy feeling. I use neutral winter decoration and I feel better. I don’t have any family to celebrate either so I feel good but less “alone”. :) ! Wish you good times and movies 🍿
@@AJTheYoung me too. If I do decorations it's partly because I want my house to look as cozy as the Neighbors' when I'm walking up to it from my car after work. But I purposely don't use the family style of tree decoration, for example, which had huge emotion for me. Instead I might do a formal department store tree or a particular color theme just because I have an artistic bent and would like to see how well I can do it. But I use a different kind of tree and the decor is also different in some way and is focused on winter coziness as well. Buy it certainly hasn't always been that way. I had been moving away from the family for years and going to fewer and fewer holidays. But during covid I had one virtual Thanksgiving with family in which I came up with the idea to actually put a laptop at the table and I used Zoom or Skype to participate in real time. It was partly for humor but also so I could see extended family that I hadn't in a long time and because I did feel somewhat Lonely at the holidays then. Not always but sometimes and I had an elderly relative who wasn't expected to live a lot longer and whom I would probably never see again in person. I cooked a meal that was the traditional family meal and shared dinner with them by eating my meal at the same time. I thought it was a clever idea and I had recommended it to other families that had to be separated. And it was great for some grandparents whose kids were in another state because they got to see them open presents in real time. They got to see them talk about Grandma's pumpkin pie recipe and so on. But that didn't turn out well in my case and was not appreciated and no one else had any interest in going to that kind of effort to include me or to follow my holiday when I didn't come there as expected. In fact immediate family who most wanted me to come for holidays walked right by the camera on the laptop and had to be pushed to even lean over and say hello and would stand chatting with people they see at least weekly about irrelevant things and not even turn the camera toward them because it wasn't the least bit important to include me. Of course I now realize that that was just as deliberate as I thought and was meant to punish me for not following their rules. And so what I think would be really cool is for all of the people celebrating alone to show others their decor and to have a virtual dinner together. For privacy reasons we won't be doing that but if there were a discussion board where we could post pictures of what makes us feel comforted and cozy and maybe of the meal that we cooked and even for some people to chat in real time either by text or off camera to share the holiday with other people who are celebrating their spiritual growth. Either way just knowing that other people are thinking and doing the same way I am on that day for the same reasons and being happily curious about the details is enough for me. If anyone knows of a discussion board for that sort of thing I would be glad to know about it and without hugging space on Patrick's Channel I would like to hear more about what other people do. I do think that there are going to be more and more of us spending time alone and engaging in Virtual socialization simply because that's the way the entire culture is going. So we can choose to fight that or not but we can also choose to enjoy the parts that would enhance our lives...
Maybe take some time to explore that. Maybe you have to grieve a little more. Because it really does suck when family stuff is constantly pushed in your face and you don’t have that. (Plus, it’s cold and dark outside so that doesn’t help)
Completely relate about the sense of doom.. from Thanksgiving to December to New years and my bf is not understanding at all..he acts like a totally mean selfish..like I'm nuts and he's so good because he enjoys holidays.. it's not that I don't now because I don't have to deal with my family of origin thank God. But sometimes some of the past feelings come up and he. And he is just completely invalidating
It's so weird after nearly 50 years, understanding all the anxiety I've experienced around ALL holidays was the company, not the holiday. I've actually been using one of the techniques you just mentioned for a very long time. Every single visit with family is, a " just get through it" situation. I would have to psych myself up weeks in advance. How many times I've said to myself, it only a few hours, you only have to deal with it a few hours, then it's over. Yeah, people who love me should leave me feeling like, hey, I survived another holiday. That alone is so poignant to me. In those moments where I actually validate myself and I don't realize it.
I eventually realized the passive aggressive digs wouldn't ever stop, and I won't tolerate them. It has made no contact necessary and helpful... even on days when I have to remind myself that I have that boundary for a reason.
I'm finally reaching the point where I care more about myself and my inner child than I do about what others think. Finally starting to not fold to abuse and bs. Working hard on being honest but not trying to prove points to them. Putting up armor and walls and prioritizing self care and self preservation. Thank you so much Patrick for another validating and extremely helpful video 🖤 I've found the most helpful thing you've mentioned is to expect the bs. Makes it much easier to dismiss and stay safe within myself. Also Patrick you're a blessing and I recommend your channel to every therapist and fellow abuse survivor I can. You're an inspiration and I can't thank you enough for the amount of wisdom, tools, validation and healing you provide for free. You're doing incredibly important and amazing work ✨
I went no contact multiple times without even knowing why. It's gonna be different this time. No more anxiety around being abandoned, or relying on family to have some form of contact. It's gonna be me, some days off, and some projects I wanted to work on for a long time now. And it will be okay.
That’s exactly wha I’m doing this weekend and today. Just another day, an extra day to do some things I’ve been working on for a while. My dog is great company : ) Big difference from last year when I felt so devastated by the scapegoating. Who cares about them and what they’re doing, what they might be saying about me? They’ll always be like that. I’m not devastated about not spending today with them. I’d rather not and I don’t care what they think. Maybe I’m further along than I had thought. Yay.
Oh Patrick! After 2.5 years after my father’s suicide, I finally went home. I couldn’t travel because of Covid. I had panic attacks daily just from being there, going to my grandma’s old house where I witnessed a lot of abuse. I felt completely out of control. I stayed for 2 weeks but I was counting every single day until I would get back home. Took me 3 weeks to recover.
Sending you a "sisterly hug"! I can't believe you survived that ! It sounds horrible. You are one tough chick. I hope your winter celebration is quiet, fulfilling and calm.
I so relate. Every time I would go to my parents’ house I would get massive face blisters and after leaving them it would take me a long time to physically and emotionally recover. Sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗
I appreciate you so much Patrick!! 🙏 I have no support in my decision to remain "no contact" for my own mental health, which very much affects my kids. But I feel supported here. I saw the notification for this video and I instantly felt peace... like "Oh yeah! Patrick has my back!"
A balancing act. I hope the day can be peaceful and special for you and your children in small ways. They will know the energy of peace. I sometimes say things like that in my head in my kids presence. To raise the energy of goodness and love in these moments.
I have done solo holidays for a while now. I prefer it. If I am with someone else's family, that makes me think about things even more. Plus other families have their issues that I don't necessarily want to deal with! I also remind myself that lots of people who are going to be with family would rather not. So I just enjoy a nice, relaxing day off.
I kind of gravitate towards this, why push your inner child away? Real family for you would be something you actually enjoy going to right? It would be for me. Family would be people I love to see to catch up with and to communicate with. If it’s not a match then why would I force myself to go, blood ties or not.
Hope you can find your tribe/chosen family soon. I've been recently thinking about joining support groups myself to disprove my feelings of being the only one who gets it. It's very isolating when we're surrounded by the dysfunction but that's not how life has to be. We are not limited to abusive people. Things can and will be very different. We're all capable and deserving of finding/surrounding ourselves with only unconditionally loving and supportive people 🖤
My inner child didn't trust my inner adult to protect them bc I kept allowing contact. How could my inner child feel safe with me if I allow my abusers access? No contact builds trust between my inner child and inner adult. Forcing my inner child to be around my abusers is like adult me being an enabler to the abusers. It destroys inner trust.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I'm about to go no contact with the "safer" parent this holiday season and part of me feels really guilty. The harm she did was from allowing and enabling abuse, so if I went, I'd just be doing the same thing she did to my inner child. Realizing that makes me feel more at peace with my choice to protect myself.
Remind me again why I feel the need to prove that I can handle abuse? And not just with family but life in general. Half of me wants to walk away, or ignore, or go no contact. The other half of me wants to face it, not avoid it, be strong in the presence of it, not let it effect me and stand up for myself.
I do the same, with all kinds of abusive situations, including toxic work and landlord situations, or men speaking rudely to me in public. Really any toxic situation in which I'm being treated unfairly. I think I want to prove I can do enough work to somehow be the exception and change the situation. Maybe I can break through and stop the senseless behaviour that's not making anyone happy. I'm learning that's a nice idea but never gonna happen. Those abusive situations aren't about us, how we face them won't change how the people who create them behave, we're allowed to step away and take care of ourselves.
@@amivanzyl8876 Yeah I use to think I could change others behaviors if I just didn't give up. Now it's less about that and more about I want them to back down and surrender whenever I speak up and stand up for myself and as I'm typing I'm realizing that STILL involves changing their behavior which I can't do. So I guess my question I need to ask myself is why do I crave them "backing down" and being scared of me or immediately compliant when I say "No, or Stop". Aka listening to me. I have this expectation that frequently doesn't get met. I want abusers to stop when I say no. Why do I have this magical thinking...that I can MAKE that happen if i just keep trying hard enough? I think at an early age I made an association between my own strength and how others treat me. If people treat me badly it's because I'm weak or less than. Self-blame. Rather than just knowing I didn't do anything wrong. And holy crap the more I type the more I'm realizing this is how I justified what my mom did to me. The reason I want people to bow down to my boundaries is because I had to bow down to my mother crossing mine. So now whenever someone crosses my boundaries, it just reminds me of how helpless and non-existent I felt growing up. I often had to adapt to their perceptions and beliefs and wasn't allowed to have my own. What a fucked up psychological mind fuck. Such abuse of power. I sacrificed my own sense of the world, and adopted the sense my mom wanted me to have, so that I didn't have to believe she was horrible or risk losing her.
@@amivanzyl8876 It’s a tangent, but …. I found that dealing with rude men in public was really great practice for dealing with abusive family, co workers, property manager, and so on. Here’s something that worked so well for me. The words just came to me once when I was stuck in an elevator with some guys who were tipsy from happy hour, and one thought it was okay to say make some unwelcome comments to and about me. I stood up (no slouching), looked him right in the eye and said very calmly and directly: “I want you to stop talking to me.” No looking away to help HIM get over that very awkward silence. I just said it and kept looking right at him. His friends also went quiet. It was very uncomfortable in that elevator but I was fed up with this horrid behavior. In that moment, I felt like I had every right to “be rude” myself. Why should I have to look away, or be silent? I wasn’t the one out of line? It worked beautifully, and I e been doing it for years now. “I want you to stop gossiping about me. If you don’t, I might feel compelled to tell YOU what some others have said about you. I promise-you don’t want to hear that, so stop gossiping about me.” ^^^Thats my plan for a particularly vicious aunt. I think Sue knows my dad never approved of her. I know for a fact what he thought about her. He’s been gone for a long time, and I dontthi k I care much anymore. He never swore me to secrecy, and I’m certain he’d be very angry about how she has treated me. So if I ever get that opportunity, I. Going to get my brave on just like I did I that elevator. And if I ever hear another word? I’ll share with her-privately-the devastating comment he made to me about her long ago. “Stop gossiping. If he wanted me to know he’s getting a divorce, he’d have told me that himself.” “That is more information than I feel comfortable knowing about ther family. It’s gossip. I don’t gossip, so leave me out of it.” ^^Ive used those words with my mother. Shut her right up.
This is so true! Recent video of Patrick’s touched on this in a really helpful way - the one about why people quit therapy. At the beginning of healing I thought I’d get more strong and able to endure abuse. Turns out I’m less able to endure abuse. I can “surf triggers” and get less overwhelmed in the moment. But I have a harder time afterwards. And it’s much more painful in the moment. And that’s okay! It’s healthy! I think a lot of this does come from an inner child fantasy of being “strong.” As opposed to being practical and self-protective. Sending peace and love to you!
Last year was my first year doing solo Christmas and I got COVID and it was really rough!! But this year I'm excited to do things I want to do and eat yummy food and not to have to deal with the family of origin nonsense. This year I think I may actually enjoy the holidays!! Fingers crossed 😊 🤞
@@Rose_is_a_Rose_ thanks rose! I think it's a natural reaction after being forced to be around people like that during the holidays - I feel like I'm remedying it with a healthy dose of alone time!! Wishing you a lovely holiday season! I love crafting ❤️❤️❤️
I am SO! DAMN! GLAD! I went NC a couple years back. Holidays were always AWFUL for me and I'm so thrilled every year that goes by where holidays aren't scary anymore. I hope everyone who reads this is able to get through their holidays, whatever that may look like!
This was exactly what I was looking for! I was feeling generally stressed out about the holiday season, and couldn't quite place the reasons why. Everything I found was very family-centric "don't make too much pie!" And "use this trick to spend less money!" I'm half-no contact with my family, still searching and processing traumas and relationships. Honestly just the reassurance that I can make the holiday my own, and I don't have to shoulder through it was relieving. Thanks Patrick!
There is something so liberating about reclaiming holidays and other traditions as your own. It’s amazing to say to the world (or to our families, etc) “THIS IS MINE AND YOU CANNOT TAKE IT FROM ME. I’LL DEFINE IT FOR MYSELF.” Not easy to do, but the rewards for making these things your own is so richly rewarding.
I am of course lonely around this time, but inviting a zombie apocalypse into MY home is out of the question. i cannot imagine myself ever agreeing to see sib + partner(s) again under any circumstances.
"They're looking go get a reaction from us. The more we ignore it, the more power we get. If we are triggered to react, it shows we are still wanting them to change." (paraphrased) Deeply resonate with this.
I feel the issue is if you prepare yourself for things being bad at the event...then at a certain level you'll be coming to realise there is no point going to the event. It's horrible. So just don't go? The only in between seems to be to be scientific and plan to record how bad it is as evidence and be prepared to handle bad things as part of the evidence gathering process.
The past couple of years I’ve reduced my holidays down to the morning of Christmas Day with my parents, my grandpa and grandma, and my brothers. I always feel good about skipping the big dinners and parties during and after them, as much as I fear regretting it every time I say no to them. Now I get to spend the winter months focusing on my close friends and taking good, gentle care of myself as I deal with seasonal depression and lingering grief.
Oh how I miss mom getting wasted every Christmas Eve and being a crying mess due to her unresolved emotional issues. My brother would retreat to his darkened room after being social for half an hour and dad ignoring the dysfunction.
I wish I watched this video 4 months ago when I made a trip home and found myself feeling like a helpless 6 year old again :P. Anyway, a BIG thank you for these videos, you're an angel. You're saving our mental health and giving us a chance to change our story from now on.
This is the reason people get “sick” after a holiday. After the dreaded day is over, we go into the healing phase of ramped up anxiety and “catch” a cold.
I have a long history of handling my abusive family of origin stuff. Luckily, I had a lot of therapy also for my CPTSD. I was no-contact for many years, with occasional short conversations with my mom (in which I divulged no personal information). Now, I have my own daughter and business. My parents are in my life, on my terms. I called the police on my (narcissistic, violent) dad some years back. He had to get a lawyer and report to the police every few weeks for a long time as they were monitoring the situation. The lawyer was really useful in that he gave him some hard truths about what would happen to him if he ever threatened me (or anyone else) again. Since then, they are a little afraid of me. I did go no contact again once as my mom (the enabler) was doing flying monkey-stuff (for my dad) whenever I set a boundary. She tried to deliver an "emotional blackmail" scheme my dad had come up with. So now my mom also knows, I mean what I say. Since covid lockdowns though, my mom got really sick at home, I have talked to her most days on the phone. She was mentally (and physically) in a really bad place. I also believe she realized how bad my dad really is when she was stuck at home 24/7 with him while sick. Something clicked. She's treated me differently ever since, she also doesn't let my dad get between us any more. I also, for the first time in my life, can confront her if she does something that I experience as hurtful. She apologizes and tries to do better. I know this isn't the usual outcome in abusive families, I am also not sure it will last. But that's ok. I have accepted the situation for what it is. My daughter has regular contact with her grandmother (at the moment) but very limited interactions with her grandfather. When it comes to the holidays, I have found a weird way to deal with them. I simply don't celebrate xmas on the 25th but sometime later, whenever I feel ready. It's usually around new year. I can get all the rest I need plus deal with the CPTSD when necessary. I absolutely love all the crafting and prep work, so my daughter and I have more time to do that at a much more relaxed pace. It's also a good way to keep my parents at bay. They can't demand attention on any specific days. I announce when I am ready to have xmas. As it's really all about my daughter (the only child in this very small family), they just have to deal with it.
We have a very simple Christmas day; the 3 of us plus my husband's 1 brother we trust, then "Fakemas" with their younger sister who we love in January. Contact with my family is limited to a couple of hours visiting them on Boxing Day, despite them only living down the road. It also helps we can leave when WE decide to, and aren't guilted into staying for dinner as I'm veggie 😂 We almost never see Hubby's older (from their dad's 1st marriage) siblings as all they did was look down on us and treat us as irresponsible children. There is so much power in saying no / cutting off people who deserve it 💗
@@HannahRainbow88 Sounds like you figured out a way that works for you. I am happy for you. I really love xmas actually (or my inner child does), I just can't "deliver" under pressure. I celebrate once I feel I've had enough rest and time to enjoy the preparations and celebrations... I just stopped allowing a specific date to keep me hostage. But then there isn't really any other people to take into account in my life.
@@moonhunter9993 I'm glad you can still enjoy Christmas. I do my best for Hubby and our son who love it. I prefer our fakemas do (we typically go out for a meal and exchange silly little gifts to make each other laugh) as it doesn't add a million items to my to do list 😂 I spread out the prep. (and write lists) for it as much as I can, to feel less stressed. My family's idea of Christmas when I was a kid was an annual character assassination free for all, as we were all crammed into Nanna's living room for 2 days. 🤯 (My Aspie introvert hell).
@@HannahRainbow88 Yes, that's pretty much what our xmas was like, too. Perhaps me as the butt of every joke and the scape goat for every tension. I really prefer a chilled fake xmas, too. The rest of the world is in xmas hangover and quiet. That's when my secret little xmas happens. I hope you have a lovely, chilled season this year. And I'll think of you on my special January celebration.
Balm for the soul. Just listening through the list of coping strategies and thinking about putting myself in a situation again where I'd have to work so hard to protect myself from abusive people is exhausting. Thank you for the gentle reminders to my child about the substantial reasons why I chose to completely cut myself off from my 'family' of origin. Your talk today resonated so strongly for me and reaffirmed my decision to keep those people out of the life I've rescued. I now know for certain after decades of attempting reconciliation that they will never change, and the older everyone gets the more they relish opportunities to gang up on the scapegoat. I will never submit my child to that again. You are so good at this Dr. Teahan. I'm deeply grateful for your generosity of spirit and your wise counsel. Happy Winter Solstice to You ♥❄🌲
My mom is so toxic I went no contact with her in 2005. My dad finally came out of his 50 year alcoholic fog a year ago but he has the intellect of a 19 year old. I feel like the parent bc he’s so emotionally stunted and codependent. This year I said screw it. I’m not even going to eat and gather. My husband and I are going to a hot springs and soak in warm water.
I always feel so out of place at family gatherings with my in laws. They are great people, don't get me wrong. Growing up, I never had a family that was close, or even somewhat normal. Holidays were always stressful and expolosive. so it still feel foreign to me , even after 8 years with my husband. If it were up to me, I would sit it out completely, but I do my best to be supportive, and I understand the uncomfortable feeling is just me. They have always been very kind and loving to me. I also had to make the choice to go no contact with my own family this time last year. Holidays have always been depressing for me. I just feel a cold void in my soul.
Here's a virtual hug from someone who relates. I truly hope it gets better. I think if you keep working on it, it will. I have had to work on it for decades but I do think it does get a little better. I just don't know whether you really truly ever heal from this kind of thing.
I feel like I’m caught in some strange zone that doesn’t fit into any category, like narcissism. My husband wanted me to invite my folks for Thanksgiving. We have cordial relations but I don’t see them much because I feel zero connection. I have no siblings and my mom was emotionally absent throughout my childhood. Dad could be a very irritable, difficult person. Still, they don’t try to argue and are perfectly polite when they come over, but I can’t wait for them to leave. My mother is just pure gloom and my dad is as stiff as a board. I want to just forget the day, but here I am, having to get the house perfectly clean and ready and I just don’t want any of this. As I get older, running away and hiding from everyone sounds really nice. I’m sorry for all of you who have it so much worse. ❤❤
Can’t edit my post but wanted to say I feel guilty even complaining. I had simple emotional neglect, I’d guess you’d call it, but nothing like what I’m reading here. I’ll just take my anti-anxiety med and get through the day!
Please don’t feel guilty for expressing your feelings. They are valid. And the fact that you feel apologetic for expressing them speaks to the depth of emotional neglect you suffered. Having been through a similar situation on a Thanksgiving many years ago, my heart goes out to you. I recall it was a lovely meal and the conversation was polite but I felt bad because somehow it still wasn’t enough. I so wanted an emotional connection with my parents but they just weren’t capable. It took me decades to start placing the puzzle pieces together and understanding the dynamics in my family. So from one emotionally neglected child to another: hugs, your feelings are real and they matter, and it was not your fault. Oh and side note, a few years ago I did sort of run away and moved to a remote area with no one else in sight. I recommend it. ❤️
I really want to say that I relate to what you're talking about with emotional neglect. I am definitely one of those people in the categories of neglect and maybe mild abuse. But here is the thing that I have learned. Emotional abuse can be as traumatic on the body as physical abuse. And when it is ongoing and unspoken, it can become even more traumatic. This is because it never gets spoken about. It becomes normalized. But it's not. You didn't get attention, you didn't get love, you didn't get the connection that every human being needs as a child. That's kind of the baseline. So it's just a different form of all of the many bad forms of human abuse and behavior that are out there, sadly. It's good to recognize that. It feels like the group that's here in Patrick's channel is so supportive. So please feel my respect and caring for your situation. I understand wanting to just get through that holiday. I am finding myself curious about why it is that your husband wants you to invite your parents over? Anyhow, wishing you lots of peace.
🫂🫂 emotional neglect still sucks and a lot more folks relate to this than you even know. Thank you for sharing and please honor yourself this holiday season 💜😊✨️
@@ElysiumPondue you might want to read some of Pete Walker’s pieces on emotional neglect. You’ll never view it the same way again. Emotional neglect is serious hardship on children.
Revelation from this video: Christmas is wonderful because of the magic that adults create for children. Christmas magic requires an adult who is making magic happen for a child. That’s where much of the delight comes from, for both the child and the adult. Holidays in recent years have been disappointing, and I’m realizing it was because I was still in the “child” role waiting for an adult to make magic for me. But I’m realizing: I AM an adult. And I HAVE an inner child. I have all the roles I need to make Christmas magic within me! This video was so helpful. This past Christmas was lovely, even though it was hard (my husband and I are LC & NC with our families, and we’re high-risk so we’re still sheltering and can’t travel or be indoors with others). I stayed in touch with my inner child and figured out just what was delightful about Christmas, and then made it happen for her. (For example: I loved the way that candlelight church meant that even the most emotionally-immature people were quiet and attentive to the sacred. I loved the darkness and candles and how serious and gentle everything was. So I asked my partner if he’d be willing to turn off all lights and light candles each night of advent leading up to Christmas. It was so lovely, and absolutely met that need. I can make the magic myself! Thank you Patrick!)
Don't overdo it.... on hearing that I realized that no matter how much I do or put myself out, I will feel like people are looking down on me for under-doing it.
Thank you so much again for this, Patrick. I feel like I can now ‘go into battle armed’ this holiday season, after this video. I will be sure to watch it again, so that I can be the cautious and loving parent for my inner child, as much as possible. 🥰
My social skills have atrophied in the past couple of years. Being alone with my thoughts has been awful. SO...I spend as little time as possible with family. Luckily they are a 2 hr drive away. 🚗 Our conversations remain superficial...and devolve into near-gossip. I endure it. I'm the oldest and the least "successful"...so my go to is ANGER (always alone). Working with therapist for years. Thank you Patrick. I'm grateful to have found you this year. Peaceful Thanksgiving to you.
Such great tips! I’ve been no contact with my brother since 2017. My tip is to make a list of the things that are really special to you about the holidays and make sure to do those things for yourself. Make the big dinner, buy yourself a cookie tray, go see the Christmas lights - whatever you love!
Category 1 is like you were there! I only have to deal with my mother now on Thanksgiving- because she, my father (deceased) and my two brothers are so unhealthy that no one likes each other and the grandkids (my brothers children) want nothing to do with any of them. So due to my parents extremely poor parenting - there is no family now. Which is ok with me, but a little sad too. On a positive note, I’ve recently connected with a healthy niece and nephew! Wow, I get to enjoy a relative? What’s up with that?!? Lol Thanks too for naming “emotional hangover”. I’ve learned if I spend two days with my mother I need two days of kindness to myself afterwards to recover. This visit I will “go surfing” and will even mentally picture myself doing that as the comments roll in! It won’t ever be good, but I can be better/more healed and healthy! Thank you!!
Is there already a video about adults of abusive parents....who every time they make a mistake they expect retribution? My sister and I both expect the world will burn down if we make really small mistakes.
Thank you for this video, Patrick! Just knowing that you (and others here) truly understand why the holidays are such a difficult time of the year is comforting. All the societal pressure and stupid songs about this being "the most wonderful time of the year" are like rubbing my nose in it about how much my holiday experiences and family were/are not that. And the few good friends I have all have great memories of the holidays and have a difficult time understanding why I am not "excited" for this time of the year to roll around. For me, once Halloween is over (the one holiday I like, because you get to pretend you're someone else), if I could just fast forward to January, that would be great. And to make matters worse, my birthday is a few days before Christmas, so that little added bonus of another disappointment gets thrown in, too. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for hitting on a lot of key things that come up during this time of the year. The last point you made about not just "getting through" the holidays really hit home for me. I really struggle with depression at this time of the year (and the grey weather where I live doesn't help). Maybe I need to start a new tradition of going somewhere warm and sunny for Christmas. 😊
SAME. I realized about 10 years ago that Christmas has always been painful for me, as much as I love so much about it. Family trauma taints it and I’ve carried too much emotional weight for too long. Then my husband talked me into going to Florida to visit his (crazy) family over Christmas, and we did - and I felt no guilt about not being with my painful family, and while his side of the family is also insane-making, it was eye-opening to realize that I can celebrate the holidays how I want to. Also, playing basketball or wading in ocean water on Christmas is an incredible feeling!!
Dan, you are not alone. What a wonderful idea. May you start a new tradition and celebrate your birthday and/or the holiday on your terms in a warm and sunny place. You do you. Let the healing continue.
@@katiefrankie6 It sounds like you have a lot of fun visiting your husband's family over the holidays! 😊 I hope you continue with that, so you can truly enjoy Christmas (and the ocean)! 👍🏻😁
@@dawnpokemontrainer Thank you, Dawn, for your kind words! 😊 Yes, a combo bday and Christmas tropical getaway... I think I will start this tradition! 🌴☀️
Thanks again wonderful Patrick 🙏🏼... I'm no contact & wish I'd have done it decades ago. Just thinking of being around those people is enough to make me celebrate my choice 🥂😂... I do struggle with societies expectations & bullshit platitudes but the thought of that Christmas gathering makes my stomach turn! Holidays are a time to celebrate our strength 🥂❤
I made a new tradition for thanksgiving. Pumpkin pie, wine, and Christmas movies. I started it 5 years ago and helped this year after going no contact. It actually made me excited this year.
Thank you so much for this content. You helped me see that I’m starting a new tradition this year which is so exciting. My sister, niece and I are going to see Christmas lights by limo. My parents didn’t do this type of thing for us, but a neighbor took us to see the lights with his kids one year. I recently remembered how much I loved it. So my sister and I decided to give ourselves this fun treat along with my little niece. Starting your own tradition is so powerful and we needed it after last year (let me just say: my mom’s manipulation and retaliation 🤯🤬!) I know I will probably never eat Thanksgiving food again. Thinking of new things to do, doing child-like activities I s really giving me something to look forward to. Have a great holiday, Patrick and thanks again! This no contact situation is the best thing but the sadness still looms. You also helped by reminding me that
What a fabulous tradition! The magic of the Christmas lights and you three, all warm and snuggly and cared for, joyously gliding through the night in a Limo!
Omg this is BRILLIANT! 👏👏👏 I am so impressed and happy for you! You are so good at meeting the needs of your inner child and of your niece - how unbelievably special. Hope you are taking care this year. ✨✨✨
I can’t say this anywhere else without being accused of being a ‘Scrooge’ but I feel like this is a safe space to say: I hate Christmas. Even though I love watching my own kids enjoy the season and I don’t have to see my parents or siblings, I still dread the whole thing. It should be a fun time to make new holiday memories with my husband and kids, I can’t get over the feeling of doom around Christmas. As a child it was a time surrounded by fights, punishments, disappointment and having to be around the weird overly touchy relatives…etc. I dread the whole season and just want it to be over with.
This is sooo good. I know I need this. And we will not even be in the same states. Whew. We will get on the phone and say hello and happy happy, huggy huggy... but, it will still be disappointing. Ugh. Thanks. I needed this.
I have definitely noticed that my tolerance level has gone down the more I've worked on these things and the more I understand them and why they're happening. I'm also not triggered as easily by the people who have and continue to try to hurt me or do it without even fully realizing what they're really doing themselves. I have always stood up for myself and called them out when needed, but that often makes it worse in many ways and I feel much better and stronger about no or limited contact and not letting them affect me when things do get out of hand. Maintaining composure during those times and not allowing it to affect me as much is very empowering. Thank you so much for your videos and insight, they are helping me tremendously!
Thanks for sharing this. I too have found that standing up for myself rarely goes well. I guess that's the pushback part. I also see that much of the annoying, rude behavior is unconscious. For me, it takes a while even to recognize it and then there's a delayed reaction. And then when I do, I get better at spotting it. Ultimately though, what's the point? Going no contact at least removes the offense.
@@RockAndRose ❤️ Yes, no contact was what I had to do with my mother, father, and brother, and some of my other family as well. Even my best friend and stepmother. That is a lot of loss and has been very isolating. But it's not worth the abuse, degradation, and disrespect. Not being steamrolled anymore was important and I'm glad I did stand up for myself (and others in the family that they did it to as well who would never say anything and they knew that and took advantage of them even more, which made me more upset than them doing it to me) and not letting them continue to get away with it unscathed was super important to this process for sure. But in the beginning it was always kind of a blow-up-can't-take-anymore situation by that point and it always made me feel like I was forced to stoop to their level and I didn't feel great about myself afterward, even though it felt great in the moment to fight the evil lol. Never going to be a wallflower while witnessing any abuse/neglect/etc lol, but I have found that the calmer and more matter of fact I am about it the more effective it is, and keeping my emotions in check is paramount when forced to deal with those situations/people. I am totally guilty of being the rescuer for those who can't or won't defend themselves bc they don't want or know how to deal with it or the aftermath, whether it's bullying or total disrespect or downright abuse. I am happy to take that on for them. I guess if that makes me the moral police so be it lol. I personally think we need more of that in these more extreme situations. I consider it community service lol. It is helpful to know why I am that way, because I have been the defender of the abused/bullied since I was a child and it makes sense now. Can't turn it off at this point and wouldn't want to, but I work very hard at tact and delivery to expose these horrible people for what they truly are. Even if it only serves as giving the abused/bullied a voice and an ally it has served a purpose! Luckily, I did have a grandmother and grandfather that stood up to my mom on my behalf and that made a huge difference. I didn't have that on the other side and the abuse was much worse bc no one was calling it out but me and I couldn't get any backup from my grandmother at all, which just encouraged my dad's bad behavior. It was the most lonely and devastating by far and she definitely didn't do him any favors by doing so either. My brother (same dad) went the other way, unfortunately. Total dark side. He became the bully and abuser. The strange thing about that is he didn't have any abuse by his mom and had tons of love, encouragement, and support from her. At best, I had extreme neglect and at worst abuse and sabotage at every turn. My mom hated me bc I had a few features of my dad and was intelligent like him. She's always blamed me for ruining her life bc she chose him and got pregnant with me when she was 15 and had me at 16 and dropped out of school. Her parental motto was well I didn't have that so I'll be damned if you are. Smh. Even when I did all of the right things and stayed in school and graduated with honors and earned multiple scholarships for both my artwork and academics, even a full scholarship to the art institute of chicago. She took it all away bc she wanted me to have to suffer and work in fast food like she had to all her life. The really funny thing is, even with her now having her own successful business she still wants me to suffer like she did all those years. I suffered plenty. And in ways she never did, bc she had two great parents and I had none. Thanks to the pandemic destroying the successful business I managed to create despite her best efforts to keep me down, then a completely disabling vaccine injury for the last year on top of it just as I was getting it built back up, she's now getting everything she ever wanted. So if all I can do is help others and expose the abusers and bullies and injustices of this world/our society then I still have an important path and something worth fighting for, even if I'm still suffering despite my best efforts to overcome it all and learn and grow as much as possible. If that is to be my fate, then it is even more important for it to have some purpose and meaning. ❤️
I went "no contact" with my family over a decade ago. My Christmas day tradition since then is to shut out the world and have an all day bed buffet. I then visit friends boxing day and the rest of the period. That came straight from my inner child after therapy. Whatever works for you and fulfills you is what's right for you.
Facts am looking forward to a Christmas this year with myself as per what would be fulfilling for me. What else have you done for Christmas without family?
@@nickandrews2255 i love hiking and camping. One year, 6am, crisp clear morning with light snow on the hills of Wales... And brewed a fresh coffee ☺. Truly mkaes me feel alive. Once i got over societies general expectations of what people "Can and can't do at christams" the world became my oyster. I even bought a cheap silver platter just for my bed buffet 😂 Much love ♥
@@Rachel_M_ Camping is a great idea, after reading that It has sparked some ideas to go out and do it myself! Yeah I was legit thinking of cooking up a buffet for myself Christmas day too. Cheers for sharing!
@@nickandrews2255you're very welcome my friend. I just tell everyone i'm going camping every xmas, and out of phone signal 👍 .. Might be "camping" in my bed, might be camping on an actual hill 🤷🏻♀️... Who knows? 😉 Stay safe and much love ♥
This is so helpful! Thank you so much Patrick! Focusing on “this is only a couple of nights” is comforting. Thank you for suggesting we bring out our inner adult to these events.
I love the idea of taking care of my inner child and doing things that were FUN. The past several years the holidays have felt like a ton of work and stress and the joy was completely sapped out of the whole season. This year I am going to focus on finding the fun, for both my kids AND myself. I think I'm going to make paper snowflakes for my windows. Thank you Patrick!
Another fantastic video, as always, Patrick. Been no contact with my family for over twenty years. This Christmas, my son is inviting over a few guys from work who have difficult family relationships.
I hate the holidays. My dad passed away on Jan 2nd 1997 when he was 52 and Christmas was awful and still upsets me. And my mum, who I now know is narcissistic plays the emotional blackmail and manipulation to get us to visit her every year and throws a rage if we visit my wife’s family. She also used to text me every Jan 2 saying “you know what day it is today, I’m upset” even though I asked her not to as I don’t wish to be reminded of it. And yet my brother and sister in law see her family every day of the year (pick up grandkids from school) and still go to her parents every Christmas Day and when we challenge that she says “it’s lovely her family get to see their daughter and the kids at Christmas, so it’s hurtful that you (me) won’t come visit me! how messed up!?
@@rubicone6891 thank you so much for those words. Kindness from strangers really gets to me as it’s something I’ve never had but wanted from my mum. Accepting that is overwhelming. Your words really help me feel it’s ok to be me.
I totally understand - my sister gets to do whatever she wants and I'm the one who's always expected to pick up the pieces, for BOTH of them. It may sound funny at first, but I just tell myself: "I'm not Cinderella any more, and I never deserved to be." You deserve to make your boundaries just like your sibling did. It won't be easy - they'll try to guilt and claw their way back in, and show you exactly why you want to stay away... But you can do it 💗 Make plans in advance for that day (or week) with your inlaws instead. Wishing you all the best 😊
This is a great list! I love the imagery surfing the trigger calls to mind. My inner adult is riding waves while my inner child is at home playing video games. When the 2 of us get back together we can string popcorn and maybe have a good cry. Not bad.
I feel lucky reading the comments here. Ran off to the Army at 20, noticed my life was 10x better without my toxic family -- and never looked back. I sometimes talk to one cool cousin and one nice aunt, but I'm permanently 2500 miles away from the unnecessary negative bullshit. "Missing" my "family" during the holidays?? 😂 I'm 43 now and there's not a single chance in hell that I miss the bullet I dodged. ❤
I'm gonna have to do a writing assignment on this... Thanks for posting it, I was estranged for quite a few years in young adulthood... And the cult of 12 step ideology convinced me I should "make amends" for my absence in my mid/late 20's... It was the on the shorter end of a long list of the worst thing I could possibly have ever done to myself... Now I'm VERY permanently estranged with no contact with anyone in the family whatsoever. Although I'm always very aware that people are pathological idiots, the holidaze make it impossible to ignore. And now I have all these fragments of memories from ex-boyfriends, or various other sources of families that aren't mine, and where I had absolutely no sense of belonging, that probably only included me because they felt bad. I had to work a 24hr shift for the T-day holiday once in the public safety profession. It was especially dystopian because my employer got the crew steaks. Not just any steaks, but massive what must have been bovine Tyrannosaurus sized steaks. I seriously had never seen a cut of meat that large. It was cartoonish. And I discovered without warning- I was supposed to cook the entire meal. And use the broiler. I had no idea how to do this, A: because of the size of the meat (I was used to making smaller breakfast steaks in the skillet, or using a grill)... I made the food for others, but I couldn't eat the steak, I chose to make a peanut butter and honey whole grain sandwich, have some green beans and mashed potatoes, snack on a bit of brie and crackers... For a lot of reasons- but it was just too heavy. All of it. And I knew it would put my parasympathetic nervous system into overdrive... Concisely- "rest and digest" is not appropriate for if/when you may be dispatched to an emergency incident (to be fair- neither is cooking steak, and I'm surprised it was able to cook fully at all)! "The hangover" wasn't until Saturday... Keeping in mind, that I WISH I just had an "inner child" and I'm an adult. I'm fairly certain I ALSO have more than a few protectors too- and I know for a fact one of them is a literal psychopath. Of the not latent variety... What became of my immense steak, you may ask... I fed it to my 2 dogs. Raw, of course. Who I'm likely more grateful for than any employer ever could be for me. It seemed fitting, they deserved it.
I would go further and encourage people to look into the concept of an inner critical parent, and an inner loving parent. I plan to have my inner loving parent front and center during the holidays.
I knew I would find you talking about the holidays in most helpful, realistic, useful ways! Thank you for the time, experience, effort, and "you get it" language.
Good luck to you all for Thanksgiving and thank god we don’t all have this holiday 😅 Thanks Giving for the good. - Patrick and all his wisdom and very practical guidelines and encouragement he gives us. Compassion and a bit of fun to you all 🙏
Patrick, thank you for such practical advice. It is a mission impossible! And, yes, visiting the immediate family when they refuseto address the elephant in the room, plus the tension of re-entering that childhood environment that feels so uncomfortable and painful is like a diplomatic mission during the Cold War!! That's how I feel. I will set a goal to implement several of these, definitely will leave my inner child at home and have an exit strategy 👍🏽
Right as you said it, I was thinking it, you're stronger when working on yourself. You gain confidence as you go. I feel like low self confidence can be synonymous with guilt. Guilt for not treating yourself better because you know you deserve it. 🍋🌱🍵💚
When I spend two afternoons with my family, the next two weeks I'm just beat. Anything longer and I'm wasting easily a month with being just tired and getting back on track. This recovery-phases never got really better...only worse, when I had not the emotional capacity to deal with a visit in the first place. This video was very helpful. I thought I was making this hangover up...Also, a lot of these strategies I tried already over the years but apperently never consistent enough to have nice holidays in the end. I just moved to a new city and am dreading the holidays this year, which I defenitetly will be spending alone. This video gives me the feeling that I'm on the right track though. Also I thought about planning a trip for the end of the year to avoid the holidays, but it's silly to spend so much money for a distraction/compensation. A little funny that your video covered even this train of thought. So thank you.
It’s interesting. The “just get through it” thing was used as bait almost so my parents can put guilt on me but then would still force me to go to sooooo many events that I didn’t want to go to. But they definitely made it seem like my extended family opinion was more important than my own. I was always uncomfortable to make them feel uncomfortable.
I cried on my way home this evening, and after doing what I could to regulate myself and try to figure out why I was in so much emotional pain, I ended up seeing your video and I’m really grateful I did. I’m going to have a discussion with myself and see what I really need and want, and then do just that. It may be time to make new traditions for myself and not participate in gatherings that make me feel like crap anymore. Thank you for sharing these tips, I really needed to hear them tonight.
Gosh I relate to crying on the holidays! This year was a painful holiday for me… but it’s over. My wish is for a beautiful holiday for all of us one year!
Tip #16 (humble addition): Don’t leave your inner child behind. If you have to leave your inner child behind, then you’re better off skipping the holidays with your family. If it’s not safe or good enough for your inner child then aren’t you continuing the dysfunction by participating with any parts of yourself? Isn’t that what our inner child grew up with? It’s bad but I have to tolerate it and it’s also my fault. The real prerequisite is whether your adult self is strong enough and wise enough to protect your inner child. It’s when you set healthy boundaries with confidence that your inner child feels safer inside. Honor your inner child. If you’re pretty sure that your inner child will get triggered, then it’s a good indication that more healing and efforts from both sides are required even before thinking about gathering during holidays where emotions are intense and societal pressure to look like the greeting card family is high.
I made the decision to go no contact 4 years ago, and while the holidays are still a bit of a sore spot, I'm grateful that I have come to a place where I acknowledge it but don't let it ruin anything. I'm strong and make that decision helped me move on. My family can't interact normally with each other. We all trigger each other in different ways, because our family system wasn't right. Sometimes I wonder how I can even do anything as a normal person after having come out of that, but somehow I am, after doing a lot of therapy...
Thank you for this video. I used many of the solutions in your list to manage the holidays. Last year was the first year that I actually broke down and cried afterwards. My body didn’t convulse but the tears just quietly rolled out while I was trying to settle down and fall asleep at the end of Xmas Day. This year will be more peaceful as there have finally been some changes.
Just found you. I am now going to be spending tomorrow, Thanksgiving alone. Completely depressed and traumatized by this. I have extremely toxic siblings and I'm 61. This will be the first year I am creating a clear message that I do not want to be around them drowning me any longer. I feel exhausted and extremely sad. I have been working on my part in this family for the last 3 years. They have done zero inner work. Go figure.
So useful Patrick. Thank you. 🥰 My younger self could have done with tip 14 and my current self very much benefited from tip 15. Time for me to think about finding some enjoyment in amongst it. Love to everyone and I wish you well staying safe journeying through what can be a very challenging time.
Thank you, Patrick! May your holiday be blessed, knowing that in many ways YOU will very thoughtfully be included in our holiday plans! You are someone I feel thankful to have in my life!
i just took a big step in the cutoff!! i, for the first time in the 3 years since my dad kicked me out, refused to go to his family’s (almost monthly) family celebrations for no other reason than because i didn’t want to. no explanation, no excuse, no message at all. just didn’t show up. it took so much stress off my shoulders, i feel so liberated
I wish I watched this before the Christmas weekend. I feel like I've had a emotional hangover for the past week and appreciate having a way to articulate that feeling. I also realize that I "just get through the holidays" which is weighing on me each year. I'm hoping to move away and go LC with my family to start my own traditions and ways to be present during this time of year so that I actually enjoy it instead of suffering. Thank you for sharing all of these helpful tips.
Thank you so much for sharing many helpful strategies. If you can afford it, booking an immediate family and friend dinner at a special restaurant can be a great alternative. You can drop in and give gifts at a time around that to avoid a particularly nasty, manipulative or slandering relative. You have to be strong if you’re going to ride it because it can set you back and take an unacceptable toll, that you don’t need interfering in your progress, work, and immediate family.
Thanks so much for this. Family functions can be stressful. I'm glad I rarely attend them anymore. For me it's Festivus for the rest of us, along with a treat I enjoy.
I was buying my kids their Advent calendars and was standing there wishing I had had that tradition as a kid and how nice that would have been. Realized I'm a grownup and I can have an Advent if I want....now both my man and I have one too, and my inner child is super excited
This was wonderful ! Leave the inner child at home or with someone you trust . Love the find little pockets of joy instead of just getting through it , our childhoods were just getting through one survival thing after another. 🍂🌾thankful this 2022 Thanksgiving for this🦃
When I still had holidays with the Birth family (bf), I would have hang overs always, so horrible for days. And I would also try and build myself up on the drive to one of their homes. That could be difficult too. I learned to make plans for a fun thing after we get together with my husband's family. I can handle that much better with them because of doing that.
I was outcast from my family after my husband passed. I now send gifts in the mail for grandkids, not a lot, and I have decorated my yard for Christmas, I haven't done anything inside yet, just enjoying what I have finished. When I'm decorating and creative I am in my authentic self. I recall fun things as a kid. I lived most of my life under the Gaslight Effect. I have discovered I can do what I want when I want, and NO longer accept crap from anyone. I've always fought back, my arms are tired, I answer to no one, I feel liberated beyond belief. When the mobile functions in its disfunction, level and even, then someone decides, this no longer works for me, the mobile goes crazy! It wants things back the way they were, it will never be the same, move on, care for yourself, the shield you built is to carry you away, to protect you. The new boundaries must be set, or you will walk away, never stepped over, WALK AWAY. Childhood trauma, where do I begin, to those that know me very well I am asked, how the hell did you survive and aren't dead, my answer is, by the grace of god, that's all I'm going to say.
7:08 you know, holidays alone are a perfect time for you to have that poetic sadness, and just bask in it with some wine, dark make-up, and a sad movie in dim candle-lighting. Maybe some self-ordered roses, the more dramatic the better. Make it a beautiful ritual to sit with the sadness. In my experience it helps a lot not only to confront it while supported by this artful situation, but also in allowing yourself the freedom to feel it with less shame and helps you to end it when its time to get up and get on with stuff
This is such good advice. The part about having a backup plan is really helpful. I have finally broken away emotionally and become detached enough that I can interact occasionally and carefully for specific reasons without having any false hopes or dropping my guard. But in the last few contacts it became really really painful. When I went to another state at a really tough time for me financially and with my health and with the health of a family member at risk of being affected, I still went because the extended family was in crisis with a parent who was dying. And no sooner did I arrive but within hours I was being viciously emotionally abused and purposely humiliated in front of extended family and and in law I had never met and I was even being talked about with people outside the family that I had not seen in decades but I had found to be extremely toxic as well. Eventually it became bad enough that I had to leave and because the big event the next day was still something I rather foolishly thought I should still try to help with, I ended up having to rent a hotel at very short notice and because of pets and the short notice and the lack of rooms that I needed I ended up paying a very high price. And as it happened because of what was going on with me and because I had just started a new job it was very difficult financially as well. And I still tried to make the peace the next day and was purposely shunned. And it was an 8 hour drive with pets. We've had to interact since then because of the funeral and the will Etc and there's never been acknowledgment or apology. In fact those things are also used as weapons. So I don't go there in person anymore and interaction is limited to brief contacts a couple of times a year. None of that came easily and it's an ongoing question whether I should cut off contact altogether. I don't want to do that but if that's what I have to do I will. So if that minimal contact is used to manipulate or punish me then I will cut that off too. I did not realize that for decades I had become the family Scapegoat and was in a lot of pain because I did not know why I was being punished or really that I was being punished. I thought it was something personal that I didn't start and did not want but was a particular dislike of me and resentment that went into our childhoods. I didn't think it was fair or right but I thought the person who led the charge was wounded and incapable of seeing their own behavior for what it was and changing. I tried to meet them more than halfway and be forgiving and mature and somewhat detached and use all of my communication skills to cover gaps where they weren't doing their part and blah blah blah. And so having awakened to some degree I'm not nearly as available for punishment and have one foot out the door at all times.
So good, thank you! ♥ I would add, be careful about planning a holiday alone with other abuse refugees... those who are not doing the work can ruin your day as much as your family would have! BTDT
This list is really helpful, thank you. A few things I’ve done: revived former traditions . When my son was small, we had strawberry pancakes by candlelight on Christmas Eve. I’ve started doing that again. When I was young, my mom sometimes gave us red jello and oatmeal cookies for breakfast on Christmas morning. I please my inner child by focusing a lot on some of the enchanting aspects of the holiday, like decorating the tree and going caroling and driving around looking at lights. These have been especially good since the pandemic started because I had to spend some holidays alone.
These things please my inner child and make her feel cherished and safe. I haven’t gone no-contact, so we connected briefly via FaceTime and the interactions were more controlled and calmer than those sustained interactions that include a meal and opening gifts and everyone crowded into one space.
Watching this video has got to be one of the most validating experiences I've had on this topic! I've been to multiple therapists and I always come away feeling like I'm never going to get to this transformative place that they seem to jangle in front of me where all of this s*** is just not going to bother me. But the good news is that almost point by point, I came up with the very strategy that you recommended in the beginning of video! I went to visit my family back East for a major birthday for my narcissistic mother. Granted, not a holiday except in our family. (Eye roll) It was a huge amount of effort to develop "Campaign Sanity," but I actually did it. I think the hardest challenge in all of those tips are the "awareness" tips: surfing the trigger, expecting pushback, accepting grief. The most amount of work that I had to do was to do some initial coaching not to get involved in the dynamic, but just to observe it. I told myself that I could be like Margaret Mead and learn something about my own family dynamics by trying to be more of an observer, rather than a participant. So I just went in and I observed and listened and I asked people about themselves. And, you were right! It felt very very sad and isolating. Not a single person said anything to me about how I was doing--in any way. I would ask them about themselves and there wasn't a single person who said, "and how are you doing?" It was a glaring, ubiquitous, and unmistakable gap of even the most basic form of relational behavior. I had a major event going on in my life and nobody even mentioned it, even though people knew about it. So there was this period after I got through it all where I realized that I got *through* it all without getting *into* it all, if that makes sense. It gave me a moment of reflection that left me feeling pretty deflated. But it was a definitive moment for me nonetheless because I recognized in that point in time that really there's no point! I guess I just don't see the point of the contact at all, and for me it's an easier transition to just pull back even further because I live so far away. What has helped me to hear in your video is to expect the grief and emotional hangover. And also to build other traditions. Really good suggestion! The other things that I did when I went on this visit was to ensure that I had planned to not stay with the family, to plan outside activities from the family visit even though the primary reason for travel was to visit the family. I also didn't think of a backup plan but these were sort of ways to keep myself sane in the midst of all of this and have something to look forward to. So I met a work colleague who was located in a different place, and an old high school friend, and I reconnected with a favorite cousin. Those are good memories and turned the trip into something that was much more enjoyable. So I'm definitely going to be using that in the future. One other thing I did: I used the trip to set a few more boundaries. I'm proud of my work, but yes, my inner child still wants close connection and caring. It sucks. So, in the end, even though it's better, I don't see the healing.
This is so inspiring - congrats on everything you were able to do to stay grounded and safe 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 cheering you and your inner child on. It’s brutal. But it’s so beautiful to be able to be loyal to yourself in the ways you describe 💛
Sick of hosting major holidays forever. No more. Thanksgiving here has been cancelled. Without my monumental efforts, $$$, etc. it can't happen. I'm bowing out FOREVER.
I'm actually in mid-cutoff right now. I've already mostly removed myself from the situation. Unfortunately there are still a couple of things I need to do before I go completely no-contact, but I should be done with these soon enough. I am sooo looking forward to spending the holidays without these people. I used to think I couldn't stand the holidays, but recently discovered that I just couldn't stand the people I was spending them with.
This is a tremendous video. Thank you, Patrick! I have already adopted the “exit strategy” plan by trying to always have a back-up plan and let my family know that I can just leave. I also do not plan to stay with them, but am lucky that I have a couple friends that have space/willingness to host me for a few nights. I feel so much lighter knowing that I won’t have to buckle down and force myself to be over there all the time. As a sensitive person, I find the excess holiday stress of those around me ends up making me feel horrid. I become the errand person and the scapegoat. Not happening this year!
Patrick when you said you want your family to be a little bit afraid of you!😹 I realized why I feel so comfortable with you, seriously though. My boyfriend has been so completely and utterly non-supportive of what I go through for the holidays it's horrible. Actually I do enjoy the holidays now that it's my own children. My family of origin where it was my siblings was the grief. But some of the past stuff does come up and maybe at some occasions it's like a looming thing that just is like the ghost of Thanksgiving Christmas and New Year's past. I hate the fact that it seems to start at Thanksgiving go through Christmas and almost new years. I'm hoping this year will be different. Your tips were on point as always and I love the plan b's.. very realistic I tried to suggest these things to my boyfriend the other day for an occasion but he just got mad at me because he wanted me to see his family and it had to be his way or the highway there was no plan B in sight so discouraging. So I ended up setting the boundary and not going
Congrats on setting the boundary!! That's so hard with loved ones. Hope he figures out his issues or you can find someone who supports you and genuinely cares and wants the best for you bc you deserve better. Ik things are never perfect but we all deserve to feel safe, secure and understood with our person. Especially us trauma survivors. Feeling safe and secure with my person has become mandatory for me. Also for just friendships too. Chosen family in general. We deserve to be surrounded by unconditional love and support and it is out there ✨
@@jenlikescats8294 wow I really appreciate that. I started to feel like I was supposed to adopt his ideas and that I was the abnormal one. I really appreciate your kind and supportive comments and you're absolutely right about feeling safe and secure with my partner .The opposite of that has been happening lately and it has to do with these types of occasions. Thank you so much for your supportive words and Clarity they make a lot of sense to me. Boundaries for sure! Thank you for taking the time to comment and be kind🧡😺
@@michele6624 Best of luck to you!! If anyone's making you question your reality and truths it's gaslighting and never okay. My ex made me think I was going insane and that I was very out of touch with 'how things were'. He was trying to force his dysfunctional beliefs onto me (like how putting effort into my appearance meant I cared about what other people thought of me/his opinion of me wasn't good enough/I'm trying to cheat or get outside attention) and he treated me disagreeing as a threat to our relationship. He refused to accept that things could or would ever be better or different. I'm now years away from him and still healing unnecessary wounds he inflicted. But I've finally made room for safe/healthy people, and they do show up eventually. I'm sending positive/peaceful/empowering vibes and I really hope you find your peace soon. You've already begun your healing journey, you're strong and you've got this ✨❤️🧡💛💚💙💜✨ I like to tell myself I'm finally being the adult and standing up for myself (& younger self) like I always deserved. Until we find true support we can't look to others to look out for our best interests or stand up for us. Well we can, it's just usually met with disappointment. I've had to choose to save myself first. Things fall into place easily after that. Also, love has bumps but is still supposed to be easy. Make sure they're checking off your checklist of what you need and want, don't mold yourself to fit theirs. You deserve to be accepted and supported unconditionally ✨
@@jenlikescats8294 Your preachin' to the choir...lol💌😹wordy..I am long winded...who cares? I like it.What does it matter anyway? I'm long-winded. We're more descriptive and take a lot more words who cares and so what? LOL have a great night! I can relate with you about feeling very strongly about this stuff.. I've been doing it since high school I call it the "healing game." Of course I took that from my most favorite artist Van Morrison. Look how wordy🧡😹😺💪🏾(it's great) I'm being LOL have a good night!
As always, you hit the nail on the head. It really was like going into a cold war. I'm so much happier with my now 13 yr cut off. No magical thinking because I already know the outcome. I'm just now healing because of you and my own work, but I can say you have helped me and many others tremendously, so thank you, Patrick!!
