180. How do you define success after a narcissistic toxic divorce?

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A discussion on defining “victory” while going through a toxic narcissistic divorce.
❋ Show Notes
This discussion starts with a look at perspective and how we look at things when we are going through a toxic narcissistic divorce. It really is a means of “how you look at it” and how you compare your current situation with your previous expectations. This covers the key points of perspective, how the kids are with you, what happens if/when they do not chose “you”, do the kids engage and love you, and summarizing on even if alienation is complete how you still have to take your life back no matter what!
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Опубликовано:

21 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 63

@maxcactus7 Год назад

I define "success" after divorce from a narcissistic toxic ex as surviving with my life, sanity, health and relationships with my kids in good shape. Bonuses include being able to sleep in peace at night.

@DSD Год назад

THAT RIGHT THERE!!!!

@LDuke-pc7kq Год назад

That's it honestly, surviving with your life and anything intact with the opportunity to reclaim your health and safety is all anyone can ever ask for when dealing with a narcissist, they do have a scorched-earth policy with relationships

@filsed Год назад

Amen!

@DSD Год назад

Scorched-earth - yeah that pretty much sums it up!

@DavidDrummondTX 9 месяцев назад

Perspective. "You can see a lot of things from the light of a burning bridge" ~ George Strait

@DSD 9 месяцев назад

That’s a great line!

@aquietplace7308 Год назад

So true, Duane. Thanks. My 16 and a half year old son is thankfully journeying out of the fog. It's hard seeing him struggle with his dad and stepmum but I'm so grateful the relationship he has with me is strong. Many of my fears have not materialised. He is truly a wonderful young man.

@DSD Год назад

That is outstanding to hear - most of the time they just need stability and calm from us and it tends to work out!

@sandys2672 Год назад

Feeling you Duane. This mindset shows what a good parent you are. You made clear that you would never give them up translation = I love you more than anything in the world. You gave them the gift of emotional safety when with you to text the other parent, which was NOT happening when they were with their mom. At core, children just want to KNOW their parent loves them and that they are safe. You leave them with NO DOUBT. The best case scenario has been achieved!

@DSD Год назад

Thank you so much sandys I really appreciate you saying that. Also today I had a nice lunch with my middle daughter today. Seems like she is head down a good path.

@bellum99 Год назад

You really helped me though a divorce .. it’s not over .. but you helped me

@gamerchristina1079 Год назад

I needed to hear this! Thank you for your supportive talk!

@DSD Год назад

Glad it was helpful! Hope you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, and NO it is NOT a train heading your way!

@sneakyanimation 11 месяцев назад

gosh, so much truth here about the kids. it's validating to hear someone else say it, but also heartbreaking that I even know what you're talking about. 5 years of this, even though I'm so good at handling it, I've come to realize that I need to remember who I am agian, not just the resilient person I've had to be all the time

@mgu1N1n1 Год назад

Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe! A Day of Loneliness Beats a Day of Madness!!

@DSD Год назад

Honestly this is probably one of the biggest mistakes a guy can make. If they cross that line you need to protect yourself and take appropriate action. Often times men don't and then their ex will finally accuse them of it and then you're in a really bad position...

@schwaschwa9054 Год назад

I'm on the other end. It is so important to focus on loving the kids. Control what you can...your actions and reactions.

@philn8621 Год назад

Thank you for sharing your story. "It's been a rough 11 years" - it's been 6 years for me. Obviously, there have been happy moments and victories (micro or more), but it's still been rough. Thank you for normalizing things and providing a positive resource

@DSD Год назад

Thanks for saying that philn I appreciate it. Honestly that is why I thought this channel was important to provide a way forward that was focused on taking your like back in a positive way. When I was looking for info myself it was a lot of negative ways forward that we’re not helpful…

@beaglerescue5281 Год назад

Definitely all about one’s mindset.

@shawnmay7612 9 месяцев назад

Thanks for this video. It came in right on time. You hit upon many points. I think you and me are at the same place and same time after our divorces. I found what worked for me was to take a step back, disengage from my ex and grey rock as much as possible. My power was in walking away and keeping an open line of communication with my kids. It’s not perfect but you mentioned perspective. It would have been unimaginable if I stay married for all. Peace

@raginald7mars408 11 месяцев назад

… as a German Biologist it happened to me and I should have known… I see it as part of Evolution A test A challenge When we learn the TOOLS to deal with it We grow and get stronger Emotional Immune and independent. In this sense - a vital experience

@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 Год назад

I have court meeting Thursday. Reducing child support payments to ex that now makes almost 3x my pension and holds my child hostage against me. The successes are the little moments you know you are free and you did right by your children even tho you don’t see them as much. I can live poor and still thrive. Any doubts I have, the narc out there. 30 months of payments, don’t mind doing it, just should be fair. Thanks for letting me pop off here.

@DSD Год назад

It's kind of strange when you start getting toward the end of it. I hope things go well in court with the adjustments. I love what you say, "I can live poor and still thrive" it really is about changing your perspective and learning (or letting yourself) to live and thrive again!

@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 Год назад

Needed this today. I’m almost 2.5 yrs out. Youngest will not speak to me via text, everything. Just retired and having court meeting about child support this week. I loathe the thought of a zoom call with the ex covert narc. Praying for a reunion one day with youngest, whom ex is destroying emotionally. Thanks D! Alwsys good.

@DSD Год назад

First congratulations on retirement - hope to be able to join you one day on that! Yeah I still do not like being anywhere near/around the ex so definitely understand where you're coming from on that. Hope court goes well. The parental alienation is just horrible, I hope things turn around with your youngest.

@SerendipityLuo Год назад

Welcome back. Agree: the only thing we have control over is when kids are with us. Mutual bond and love transcend a lot of material things in a surprising way!

@DSD Год назад

Isn’t it amazing how simple that truth is but so hard to wrap your head around. I really wish I could have figured that out sooner. It really does change things in - like you said - in a surprising way!

@themagmapizza5264 10 месяцев назад

I’m in the process of leaving. Idk why I’m crying so much for someone who thinks so little about me

@michaelgiles6450 Год назад

Hi Duane sound like you have a wonderful time on your holiday 😀 well deserved 👏 another super show, great topic, PA is very hard and difficult to get your head around it and chatting about it gets it out there on the public stage as meany people who are normal 😆 ( for want of a better word😅) do not understand the madness and hurt that P A is doing to family's that are involved. Thanks again Duane your a star. Mick from Ireland

@DSD Год назад

Hey Mick thanks for the support! Yeah it was a really great trip - a little too crammed packed with traveling - we should have either extended it or cut about 1k miles out of the trip. Either way it was great! Yeah people just don't understand this unless they have been through it. Most people can't believe anyone "normal" would ever do anything like this...

@missjaszmine1968 11 месяцев назад

With me and my child.... With me and my child.... Not with me a child and my X. 😋🔥👍🏽YEP, yep, yes. Absolutely 💯. Thank You Duane!👏🏽💪🏾🏆

@shane6284 Год назад

So timely. I settled my divorce and custody battle in 2017, and everything was going pretty smoothly until this year. Things feel like a mess now, and I’m trying to maintain. Thanks so much for this @DSD, this inspired me! I I’m basically at the point where the whole “the kids can choose where they want to live” is being leveraged by my ex.

@DSD Год назад

Sorry to hear that Shane - but they do seem to do that. I've had similar experiences over the years (in the beginning) where it felt like things were fine and as soon as she figured out I was "moving on" all hell broke lose. Is the kids saying that or is she? My guess is probably both...

@DSD Год назад

Yeah they just want us/you to roll over. If the kids aren't saying it then it is meaningless. She would have to get you in court and then get the kids to say something. So just keeping it fine if you want that take it to court is the best course of action. Are you sure about the wine? Sounds more like it ages more like milk...

@sab7270 Год назад

🎉Thanks D Today victory in court!! 🎉🤯🤯🖐️🥳🍀You helped with my journey 🎉❤

@DSD Год назад

Damn I wish this was on a livestream so I could have played the applause sound! Congratulations on your victory @sab7270!!! Good for you!

@dianeforpeece8166 Год назад

How my ex in ensures being “picked” by being the parent who manages College funds. They know how he is but placating during these years. Duane, you and Ramani have been instrumental in every phase of this sh*t show- thank you!!

@DSD Год назад

They sure do LOOOOOVE control don't they! As long as your relationship with the kids is strong that's what you focus on - and the reality is probably when they get through that they will limit contact with him. Thanks for saying that - nice to be included with her!

@devinreed2003 Год назад

Still going through the custody battle after 5 years bro…

@DSD Год назад

Unfortunately toxic people tend to "love" the family court fight especially when they enable their drama and BS. I can't remember your details Devin but I hope that you recurring time with your kids.

@devinreed2003 Год назад

She’s so controlling that she took our son to the Dr. For mosquito bites trying to say they were bed bugs . I am never surprised at the lengths they go to just to be in control. It’s fascinating actually.

@psj8491 Год назад

Saaame and the bites sound familiar, we had a docs visit over a nerf gun battle being abuse a few years back, we finally got a child pyscologist booked for today after trying to get her to agree to book for 8 months!!! Micro win

@DSD Год назад

They will take ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they can to try and point out that you are bad. I was talking to a father last night about how in my opinion they don't do this to hurt you they are just trying to get you out of the picture - they just want us to leave and let them live their fantasy with the kids (and the money and the time) and pretend we don't exist.

@scythezilla9163 Год назад

Excellent video!

@DSD Год назад

Thank you for the support! 👍🏻

@Joshdifferent 9 месяцев назад

💯💯💯

@matt071482 Год назад

❤

@SeyaDiakite7 Год назад

Hi there pal. What’s up

@DSD Год назад

Not too much just the normal grind. How about you?

@SeyaDiakite7 Год назад

@@DSD good thanks

@cindyc Год назад

🤗👍

@DSD Год назад

Thanks Cindy!

@kevinlaleau5107 Год назад

@DS😢DID YOU HAVE NARCISSISTIC INLAWS ,Friends, and colleagues? If you had narcissistic inlaws ,what was it like

@DSD Год назад

Hmm, good question. We weren't really around the in-laws much but there definitely was some dysfunction there - but the same was true with my family (that doesn't excuse any of it). The problem with friends and colleagues since toxic behavior had been normalized I just figured it was the way things were. But once I started to learn about this my either grew or I just don't engage with them anymore. At work it was more complicated but I just again limited who I was around and if I had/have to be around someone toxic I go in understanding that, do what I need to do, and then get out of there.

@TheRealMaryLee Год назад

You know you have won thier devotion when they will drop work and fly 400 miles to come see you before open heart surgery. Cams is 22 now! When I found you he was 16. My relationship could be better. I’m some ways he’s very much the young man I raised…. Then there are the times he turn into his dad. And that really horrifying. So, yeah. I feel like I failed in some ways. Does he treat me the way I taught him to treat me? Nope. He reverts to how he saw him dad treat people. I will say- I almost didn’t come back. After the open heart surgery it took two days to com out of anesthesia. I was presented with a choice. Fight for my life- Or stay asleep. I fought to see Cams. But now I don’t know why. He never calls me unless he needs something. That’s been disappointing. I often question that decision. And it hurts like hell. So, He lives his life and I live mine and they rarely meet in between. The difference is I now live 400 miles away in Nashville while he’s still in gulf breeze. We text occasionally but to get him to call???? Pppffftttt Never happens. So…. That’s my update. The kids sound like they are in a great place and congrats!!! You made it! And you get a raise on top.😊 God Bless ya,man! Keep doing what you are doing. Love from Nashville

@CatherineFerguson-ew8ek Год назад

My dear you can make this work if you still love him and want to get back with him or at him ,it’s a decision you have to make once and forever

@DSD Год назад

That's great that he dropped everything and came to see you. Honestly that's huge. The problem with kids as they get older is they start to live their own lives. My youngest who is 17 almost 18 thinks that we are going to continue to annual camping trips. Don't get me wrong I would love that but I just don't see how that is really going to happen. They have a boyfriend, will start working, and both of them are moving in with their mom at the end of the month (or that is the plan). I just don't see it happening. I guess what I'm saying is kids nowadays text more then talk (or video) so it is difficult to gauge what their "actions" (or inaction) really mean. I think you made the right choice, I kind of think of earth as an experience that we sign up for and (my guess now) is that you don't fear the other side and you know what's waiting? It's just tough when you have an image in your head of what life was going to be like. I personally had a vision of an intact family, being able to help the kids out, and stuff like that. It was really difficult to adjust to the reality that was gone and I was going to have to come up with something else. That is why I think re-baselining our lives is SOOOO important because if we don't then we are always comparing what we expected to happen to what is happening. IDK maybe I sound crazy - I don't really talk about that type of stuff too much because I'm not sure how many people feel that way.

@Janisg616 Год назад

Are you going to go from "hybrid no contact" to "no contact" with your ex after your youngest child turns 18, is it possible?

@DSD Год назад

Good question! I’m pretty much at no contact right now. We did “interact” during the graduations but nothing outside of that. I think once 18 I will have zero reason to ever talk to her again outside of marriages and grandchildren.

@philima 7 месяцев назад

Thank you for still giving us tipps and I am so happy for you that your kids are grown up now. I have a 3 yo. I am praying it will be over soon but I have soooo many years to get through, still. 😑 I hate that I hope time flies by. I wish I could enjoy my babys childhood like a normal human being. Still, I have a lot of victories to look at. I do struggle with comparing my situation with how it should have been at times though. But compared to a year ago even, we've had better times already. Alhamdullilah😭🥲💗