I left my narc girlfriend after almost 4 yrs of living together. I still remember my last words to her when I moved out. I told her she had no idea how horrible you treat me. Her response was typical narc and she blamed me for her treating me so terrible. So the last thing I said to her was.. "give me ONE example how awful I treat you". She sat there in complete silence so I said.. "the silence in here is deafening" and those were the last words I ever spoke to her. I was already all packed and out the door when I said that. That was over two yrs ago and the emotional scars are still in me. They are DEMONS! and definitely not even human.
I am sad that you are suffering still. Try to think this girl is sick and you tried to help her , but they are beyond help. Now think of yourself as a winner who escaped to have a better life don't allow her to ruin the rest of your life.
Consider yourself fortunate to have had the strength to walk out on her. You could have wasted many more years in her company yet feeling alone and unappreciated. I agree with you in that they seem unhuman. I never experienced anything close to the anguish I went through with this person in my life.
What really helped me understand why leaving such a person is so painful, was Richard's explanation that leaving a narc relationship is like losing your mother. Really opened my eyes.
"Adult to adult conversations that lead to a solution"- wow, it took 10 years for me to realize why every time I had a conversation that ended up with screaming, shouting & no solutions. And I used to wonder, 'what the heck just happened '
Amen! I've walked away many times asking myself "what just happened" after promising myself that I was absolutely not going to be drawn into a pointless, finger pointing argument, then, five minutes later, I am shouting and cursing because of the put downs and name calling and threats that had nothing whatsoever to do with what I wanted to talk about to begin with! These people are masters of their trade
@@chesterthomas5987 save your breath. Those demons do not understand words only actions. They do not regard other people. Do what Is the best for you, you have got only one life to life:) .
It is very confusing to deal with a narcissist, and it only kind of makes sense what happened after the relationship ends. What a time waster, trying to figure it out. 😮😢
Well, you at least had conversation. I couldn't even start a coversation in four and a half year of relationship. She was always or too tired or there wasn't the right time/place to have a conversation. I left her two weeks ago.
My ex, who definitely has NPD, was very nice to everyone, charming, charismatic. His NPD was shown only to me… and only after some time. And it was horrific
You just summed up my 14 years of marriage. When it started it was horrifying. I haven't seen him in 13 years and I still have difficulty making it through the day.
For me it came down to a simple concept. The amount of abuse I accept from others is equal to my level self love, self respect and unhealed trauma. All on me, I chose, I allowed, I paid the price. Now I take full responsibility for myself, my emotions, actions and reactions. Much love and thanks to you Richard
@@jacklangley861 Yes. We allowed it to happen. But people need to make sure of the 'why'. And do so with zero judgements. Nobody would choose to walk directly into a den of lion's if they knew what the outcome would be. It's a learning curve...this reality of those who are narcissistic. The experience teaches one so much about why the world we have survived in is actually extremely dysfunctional. Those who have experienced this truly need to learn about self care , self honor, self forgiveness, self healing and self 💚💌
“Abandon sincere communication when dealing with someone who is terminally insincere.” Wow. How much time and energy I wasted not understanding this years ago. So good to know now as I am navigating breaking up and as I enter “grey rock” stage. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you!
It is not to put "them" down..... The wounds are too deep for an average mortal to take on and not to be deadly affected..... And then it is about " maths" how many people must suffer ???? If I cannot help and I am dying (Literally energy is down) trying to be " good person" and treat the so Called beloved, seriously...... (...) You guys relate???
@@RICHARDGRANNON You're the tits McGee, Richie. Don't let any one convince you otherwise! N if they do send that person in MY direction. .. I have more than such words could ever express. *teardrop lols ...i'll deflect the crap outta that guy psychologically and reprogram his brains before he makes it back... Or was it, remember what he came for??? *maniacal laugh... Thank You, I learn from the best. *Lets the curtain fall.
1) is interesting. I know some "narcissists" who might not be clinical narcissists, but suffer from depression and/or SAD (part of why I don't think they are in the clinical sence) When their depression worsens, so does their narcissistic behavior. 2) If it worsens enough they start having dillusions. Later, when their depression symptoms lesson, they are no longer presently delusional but they still believe their past delusions were reality. One, in particular, does exhibit most of the traits fairly regularly and possibly more regularly than I realize, but he is covert about it. So it isn't always easy to tell. It is very difficult to live with them. Missteps happen, and eggshells come and go. And you can not say anything about Narcissism around them.
Yes!😂 It is a funny way of putting it, but I talked with my aunt about that. Everywhere her sister goes she creates problems or friction or arguments, as they feed on negative nasty emotions😝
"Listen, and understand! That the narcissist is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with it absolutely will not stop… EVER, until you are dead!”
" ...abandon sincere communication when dealing with the terminally insincere". This is all you need to remember when the urge to reason with, hold accountable or 'help' any and all PDs. Thank you Mr G.
Richard, as someone that is stuck still dealing (co-parenting) with a person that clearly exhibits NPD I can't thank you enough for what you're doing. Sometimes it's so hard not to get sucked back in by the hoover & the promised golden period mirage. It really does require constant vigilance & reminders of what is really going on & why it can never change. These videos are life savers. God bless you.
This is one of the most accurate talks I have heard; that reflects my experience. The dissociation; inability to face their inner demons, deflecting, inability to process conflict productively without serious backlash & shaming. It felt impossible to communicate on any constructive adult basis. They also have very little memory of their antagonistic responses; which would fit with dissociative defence mechanism. The abuse was unexpected & even with a lot of counselling they were unable to self reflect. Any counselors that asked them to was automatically tossed out as “bad”. It was a very confusing place to live - tiptoeing around minefields that I could not see.
When we meet and fall into the gravitational pull of a narcissist, we are entering a significant life lesson that involves learning how to create boundaries, self-respect, and resilience. Through trial and error (and a lot of pain), our connection with narcissists teaches us the necessary lessons we need to become mature empaths.” ― Mateo Sol
I would agree, seems i have more to learn. As an empath I need to understand that it is really is a deep compassion to forgive the narcissist in the moment. For example if they are screaming at you for something they did, basic emotional abuse, and in the moment if you are able to see they are empty inside, a strong and compassionate person, would be able to say “Its okay for you to calm down, everything is going to be okay and walk away immediately to save your own sanity. Easier said than done, but its a goal of mine. The narcissist I’m referring to in my case, is my 80 year old father. 🤞
I absolutely have experienced this. They will often divert to playing the victim & if that doesn't work then aggression and belittling becomes their main method of their self defense. I have dealt with 3 in my life and have terminated them all from my daily life and I did so in as kind a fashion as I could in 2 of the instances. In the first instance I had let it go on far to long simply because I felt I had a responsibility to my children so this person was able to do much damage to my life and reputation in the process of about 25 years. That was about 11 years ago now and you are correct that they are not fixable. In the case of my Mother I didn't even think about just how damaging she could be or even what she had done & was still doing. The last experience was with my so called friend of about 30 years. I finally had to take personal responsibility for leaving myself open to this and will never do it again. It's never to late to adjust your life and do what is best for you. Being alone is a much preferred option after 60 years. I love all your content and appreciate it. Thanks.
@@albertawheat6832 I fail to see your point regardless. Maybe provide some opinions of your own instead of worrying about the acceptance of my shared experience.
@@DosBear Why would I...This guy and yourself would dissect them and show me how wrong I am...LOL I prefer to offer opinions sorry you don't agree, but it is the way it is.
Agreed! Richard’s work saves lives. Mine at minimum I can claim as fact. And, I agree wholeheartedly with you too. The truly abused need help and it is too easy to label traits vs the sad and heartbreaking reality of being forced to recognize the horrifying reality of a parent being a narc; which is rare. Thanks for your post too!!
The number of times I heard “do you really want to start this again!?”when I attempted to figure out what on earth had enraged them the night before… Perfect way to silence a woman, especially a mother that is simultaneously trying to protect their children from witnessing their dads behaviour.
"Abandon sincere communication when communicating with the terminally insincere." ....great way to see that! I definitely was driving myself insane. Thank you for that advice.
Thank you for the reminder to not use the word narcissist lightly. After living with a diagnosed NPD man for many years, the pain of recovery is real. It is not the same as being irritated or aggravated with people who are thoughtless or selfish.
The pain is only the pain for yourself not seeing through the N earlier. So you can give up your pain immediately - you only didn't know the things before.
Every time I begin to feel even the smallest bit of sorry for these people in my past life, every time I begin to think of them as ‘not so bad’, one of these videos come along to remind me that they are actually pieces of human sh+t. Thank you for the reminder.
I absolutely 100% agree with you Richard. Been saying this for a long time. While talking alone to our couples therapy shrink I said she becomes psychotic and unhinged. He says " ah, ah, let's be careful calling her psychotic, that means there has been break with reality " and " ah, ah, we need to be careful calling someone a liar, it may be how they feel about something or how they see things ". I knew immediately there was no use in any of it because the shrinks are idiots and have no clue along with family court and divorce court. For the rare few who may know a little more, they won't go against the machine and or don't care because everyone is getting fat and happy with all the money they are making keeping the charade going.
Yep. Don't waste your money and time with a counselor who does not have a clue about NPD. Those responses were out of line!!! Good luck! Try some of Richard's course work, I've found them incredibly helpful.
The Mental Health profession has caused serious Pain and Torture , they themselves are delusional and in Denial. The X narc easily tricked every therapist while blaming me. It was astonishing because I have advanced degrees in psychology. Things must Change.
I agree. And yes, family court is a joke. I went through hell about 12 years ago because of my sister, involving my Mom. You don't win, especially if there is money to made by the men dressed in black. They are nuts, and there is no other explanation.
I've been there when they 404 on you -that's a weird experience, but when they break eye contact, turn their face away and look into some unfocused middle-distance and start rewriting history and events that happened mere minutes ago to suit their narrative and you watch as they reprogram themselves -that is scary... It's the moment that you realise that the rescue message you heard was an automated recording and there are no survivors and you're in a place surrounded by jagged rocks and dead black sea.
There is never an excuse for people to purposely hurt someone whether it's deserved or not. Any negative behaviour towards someone must not be tolerated . Give them a wide berth whether they are narcissistic or not. If it feels wrong don't entertain it. Thank you for this important information.
Richard, such a thoroughly informative teaching...to protect myself i cut him out of my life a year ago, cut ties, cut communication. Best decision ever!
Number 2 is so spot on. Treat such people as ordinary people who try to argue rationally and who seek reconciliation at your own peril. Your empathy, compassion, tolerance, patience, kindness and just about anything else good about you will all be used to your disadvantage. And now that you mention it, Richard, it sounds so... obvious, like you give a a name to a default mode we all knew was a default mode. It really is surprising that this is not mentionend explicitly more often. Thank you, Richard!
Arguing with my narc husband is fruitless. All I can do is change myself. I’ve tried so hard to get to the heart of our problems. Impossible to do. Thanks Richard. His only goal is control.
I had this happen yesterday. We were talking about the furnace and next thing you know, I was like his ex-boss. I tried to get back on conversation, and then I just gave up. They don't share the same reality you do which is why they are so frustrating to deal with. It's not vanity you are dealing with it's a lost reality. They are mentally, and emotionally exhausting to deal with. Thanks for pointing this out, Richard. It's the crazy I can't deal with anymore.
@@kristenmarie9248interesting take. And a good point. But so sad isn't it, as seen in our daily unfocused lives? Makes me think of storytellers being the special ones who promote the desired reality over time. Usually there is one in a clan with that gifting who narrates a defining clan event or history and at the same time draws in the younger generations. Unfortunately a lost family-bonding art no thanks to busy modern lives. Instead we now have only fervent political storytellers and narratives that divide. If only the storytellers among us arise and reconnect the threads of our lives first as family and concurrently as community.
Spot on! Grew up with a covert narc mother. I always knew something was wrong. Finally, at 58yo, discovered the description of Overt Narc and my whole life finally makes sense. Using the info you provide, comments and greyrock technique I feel some freedom. Next step is going No Contact. Finally, there is light at the end of the tunnel and the hope for a peaceful life!!
Amen, sister! I am in the same boat as you, it took 58 years to wake up and realize the very same thing because my mom's also very fragile sometines. She's actually a mix of covert, and grandiose, which was so confusing! Here's to a new year of healing and reality checks on the narc's version (of reality!)
That is so true about delusion. I was with my narc for six years before I realized what NPD actually was. But I used to call him delusional all the time. That was my word for him. It was the most confusing thing that anyone could be so delusional and supposedly be a functioning adult.
BRILLIANT VIDEO, TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, my ex narcissist husband was traumatised as at very very young teenager and reared in a VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL family his father being an alcoholic and narcissist too, felt my ex husband SEVERELY DAMAGED.
The empath in me sympathizes with my mom and sister knowing somehow along the way this was a self defense mechanism from something. It started with my mom and somehow trickled down into my sister. But, the SUPER empath in me cannot tolerate anymore disrespect and cruel behavior from them. “The truth is no friend of the narc”…..truer words cannot be spoken.
I'm listening to this at 4.46am, having woken up from a bad dream, eyes wet with tears like I do more nights than I don't and it's been over 3 years since the end of my marriage to my covert narcissist husband. I'm co-parenting with him, without having direct contact with him, and am still being financially abused by him. I've restarted therapy to try and fix my sleep and dreams through deep trauma work. I've been listening to you Richard, since the beginning and you were one of the first videos I came across on the covert narcissist. Before that, when friends or family suggested my husband was narcissistic, I always dismissed it. Finding this missing piece to my puzzle, gave me the strength to finally walk away from 15 years of abuse as I realized that I was never going to be able to fix what was wrong in my marriage - I just have to fix myself now. Thank you for all you do.
You might like to also check out The Royal We. Richard here is great for deep education, understanding. The Royal We for clarity, strength, empowering. A good mix is watching both. All the best. I've co parented with abusive ex right through until my kids became adults. Then I shifted towns.
Right on. Just discovered you. Will follow. EVERYTHING you state pertains to my experience with a DNP. For almost 7 years I have been going through shite and have therefore been educating myself with all information and several other clinical psychologists which have also, like you, verified the CRUEL words and deeds I have been experiencing. She is the manager of the apt building I live in - she is right below, and she has the owner believing all the - innuendo, spin, lies, and I am left holding a bag of insults coming from both of them. I said to the owner "I accept your faulty perception". THANK YOU - THANK YOU for what you are doing to help those like me, that have become a DNP's 'supply'.
My ex was a true malignant narcissist according to Richard's definition, and I find this video one of the most useful I've encountered. It really helps. Re the narcissist's denial of reality, my ex would preach to me nearly every day what he termed "real life", which was always about men, even men 100 years ago. Our own real life in the here and now, and anything to do with women, he denied. Richard's explanation that a true narcissist denies reality due to trauma, makes so much sense to me now that it actually helps in my own healing from the terrible experience of living for seven years with a totally destructive person. Thank you Richard.
My younger sister is a narcissist, and I've had to cut her off a couple of times. She fits every single point on the scale. And yes, this video was excellent in pointing out that they don't live in reality. In her reality, she is an accomplished artist (she's 57 and has done nothing yet except scribble in journals), and great writer, and she managed to convince the family for quite a few years. And she has grand stories about herself, making everyone else villains. That backfired when she started making certain siblings' kids the villains... and now no one talks to her. I cut her off for 3 years, and then stupidly let her get in touch with me, and she did the love-bombing and hoovering, only to be even worse this time. So she's been cut off about a year ago and it's for good.
Richard I consider you the leading authority on narcissism especially the way you describe things in your own words and make a difficult subject understandable. One just needs to put in the time. Thank you so much for the work that you do.
This guy here and Doctor Ramani also -they know what they’re talking about. Two excellent, trustworthy, effective, communicators. Go directly to high-quality information givers. There are way too many people that have been stung by a bad character & incorrectly ascribe a very serious condition to what occurred. Go directly to the knowledgeable information-givers: This guy & Dr. Ramani.
This was absolutely my experience Reality truth or any conversation brought about an immediate silent treatment followed by ghosting He used the excuse I don’t want to argue Even a compassionate conversation was an argument in his eyes Try to get him to honour a promise, no way No wonder I felt literally like I was going mad Thank you for your videos they are awesome
You're looking like a girl who chases Chads! (Top 5-15% of men [in looks]). Of course you get narci**ists. So that's your problem (you're a narci**ist, too). You want to use him. And he was using you (as a sp*rm bucket).
@M J She (Frankie) will never answer. She's a narc. She only want to tell the people she's a victim. And blame others. 100% narc. Narcs waste a lot of things. They waste whole lifes of others and theirselves. Try to figure it out for yourself. Go to a male therapist.
Yeah my new guy. He seemed great and completely normal at first. But in the last four days he has been showing signs of being a narcissist. Though he claims that I am the narcissist. He actually yelled it at me. This guy is literally batshit crazy.
My covert narc boyfriend always says that he doesn’t like to argue. “I refuse to argue.” And then the silent treatment begins. He considers an argument any conversation where he is not being praised and worshipped. Even the most gentle attempts to discuss a relationship issue will result in a rage fit followed by the silent treatment. What’s most interesting is that the next day he will confabulate what triggered his rage fit. He always says I was cussing and screaming and arguing, something I have never done. More dissociation I suppose. The jury of his own mind must have a good reason to acquit him so he makes one up.
This last year, I learned about NPD. OMG my life made sense! My mom, my sister. I did the only sensible thing. I WENT NO CONTACT. At 63 I learned I was the people pleaser. I was the child that felt unloved, no self worth, no self esteem. Today I have boundaries! I speak truth. I have relationships that empower, and support self growth and awareness. Thank for this video. Peace🌈🌎💞.
Richard I am shaking, shaking. Literally 15 minutes ago our RING doorbell went off and my daughter answered the door and my Narc was stood there. This is after three years, 3 years of non contact. She was a friend but she bled me dry. Every day was dramaday. Money for ciggies, petrol, bills, groceries and she never listened to anything anyone ever said, well not unless they were supply for her. She tortured me. And I know that sounds hyperbolic, but she emptied me emotionally, financially and spiritually. And she turned up on the doorstep literally minutes ago. Luckily my daughter answered the door and told her I didn’t want to speak to her. She left without incident. Thank god for my daughter. I know why she came. She would be skint now, she knows my family give me cheques for Christmas . I expect that is the reason. I’m literally shaking and so delighted my daughter was there. Richard does three years of absolutely no contact at all, either through mutual friends or social media or anything. What brought her back to my door?
Yes you stated why she came slinking around again, she knows you have money ..but until you actually deal with her and put up boundaries ( not your daughter) she will probably keep trying ( I’ve been there, done that so don’t think I’m criticizing, I’m just offering advice..you teach people how to treat you …it not fun being in the fight or flight mode because of these toxic people) ..Happy New Year 🎉
Take a breath, you've got this 🤗 I'm sure you recognize the hoovering for money. Perhaps, when it happens again, use your Ring camera ap & ignore the pest at the door? I'm not criticizing, it's just a suggestion & a supportive virtual {{hug}}. 🙂
You better stand up now. And do it for your DAUGHTER and yourself. Don't you let your daughter see you cower to someone else. That person only has the power you give them. You better be strong, and be a protector. You better show your daughter how to deal with these people. Because no one else is going to. Protect your little girl.
Richard, thank you for this. This is the very best lecture I have heard on narcissism. It breaks it down into all the components of their dysfunctional modus operandi, allowing the victims of the crazy making behavior, to get the specifics of how these people operate. As a neurotypical whose brain is ordered to resolve and "get to the bottom" of a conflict.... to resolve it, to have a healthy relationship, we would NEVER understand that THEY DON'T WANT A RESOLUTION. THAT revelation is a game change in how victims can resolve the hell of these relationships. LEAVE! It will NEVER get better!
My narc wife was not abused in childhood She was raised to believe she was special -smart, beautiful, special entitled, powerful and wealthy. She craved applause.and adulation. An emotional cripple. She bled me then dumped me, and I am living happily ever after She isn’t Karma🙏
My ex was not abused either. He is a product of being told he is special tho having done nothing special, that he is better than others, and also having strong perfectionistic demands placed on him and some behaviors rewarded while others were treated with disdain, such as compassion, and empathy. He was the product of a single mother who denied his father's identity out of her personal denial that she, a good god-fearing woman carried on an affair with and denied the entire thing. So, they are not all products of horrific traumas, and to honest I don't care if they are given what they do to people over and over knowingly taking cheap satisfaction in it and never taking responsibility or changing. Simply moving on to destroy the next person. Nope. No sympathy here, no pity, no mercy, no forgiveness. I have actual mental health issues. I control them to the best of my abilities and I do it pretty well as well being an actual victim of terrible abuse as a child and I do not victimize others and I take responsibility for my errors and transgressions.
I spent 30 years of my life with two separate narcissist, my ex wife was a grandiose narc and my ex of 19 years was a covert malignant narcissist, both were psychopaths' and one was a learned sociopath, what I have learned in this process was a lot. I have been single two years now and far into my healing process and for the first time in 30 years I know true peace. I would rather stay single the rest of my living days than ever walk that journey again with one of these monsters, this was truly a rollercoaster from hell.
Dr. Grannon amazes me with so much knowledge of narcissistic personality. He grasps the essence of the disorder and 'translates' it to people. The best speecher on the topic.
Thank you so much for this. I've watched you for the last 3+ years, since my father died, when my sister and I worked out our mother is a narcissist. We are nearly 60 and our lives have been misery. Thanks to watching you, other psychologists, researching online, reading and much soul-searching, we know exactly what this is now, and that in itself is a blessed relief. It wasn't us! We weren't "so selfish/cruel/liars/..." + add endless string of abusive terms. I weep for our lost lives though. I'm unable to shed the labels, the insults, the shouting etc and I don't think that I will ever get over this.
4:50 “Reality and truth is no friend to the narcissist”. _Condensed down right there._ “So stop bringing it to them”. ___ Well done Richard. And happy new shortbread.
This is sadly SPOT ON. The narcissist in my life definitely lives in their own reality. It's taken me a long time to realise that the more I try to ground them in the truth, the more they wriggle like a maniac to maintain the lie. The effort nearly killed me. I've given up now and we have an uneasy, (very unfufilling), "peace".
Richard is so right. The reality is what an NPD individual does not wish to face. Therefore, they rely on false belief. Eventually, most people surrounding the NPD individual will leave him/her. And that is the reality.
Yes, I used to do that myself. My identity was so weak that I would defend and then argue back on something else. I was so freaking defensive, because I felt worthless to any feedback given. I chose men who were not really interested, but reluctantly went ahead with a relationship. Then I'd try to force them to love me by begging and begging and manipulation. Playing out the game of my narcissistic father who literally told me he didn't love me, didn't like me and my stepmother who did her sadistic games like public humiliation. A stepfather who abused me in some other ways and a mother who knew and did nothing about it. I chose narcissistic behaving men with addictions, so I could let my counterabuse run wild. Getting back at my father. Blaming him. I was humbled down by life in an insane harsh way. But I needed it. Always thought I was so empathetic , lol. That was just arrogance.
OMG Richard, you are theeee best. 😆Thank you for incorporating humor and candor. It's so refreshing and comforting. Your videos have been a lifesaver and sanity-saver for me in handling my interactions with my ex-husband/co-parent. Thaaaaaaank you. 💝 I am SO tired of hearing people misuse the term narcissist.
Hi Richard, my Husband and I are new to your channel and recently cancelled from our Son and Daughter in laws lives. After begging our Son not to remove us from our Grandchildren’s lives we still will be given a few hours a week to enjoy time with them; as we have been a constant since they were born. Our hope is to learn the proper skills to move forward and heal no matter how heartbreaking.
Thanks, Richard. Now I'm beginning to get it... Example: once on vacation with my sister and a couple of relatives. She was driving and had been to that region of that country once before. I was in the backseat with the task of looking at the map and navigating (pre GPS times). She commented on which highway she planned to take to our destination. I noticed, and tried to let her know, that that was the WRONG highway exit, that we would have to take the next exit. She flipped out, went ballistic and aggressive, shouted at me to shut the f up!! She refused to let me say a word or stop and look at the map. She ended up heading the wrong direction and we spent half of the day circling around to get to our destination. It seemed to me that somehow she didn't want our relatives to know that she didn't have every single highway in that country memorized. I couldn't understand! Who cares? And why not just look at the map? To her it was better to "kill the messenger", to silence me and ignore the map, than to admit that. I never understood this insanity. Thanks for shedding some light on that Richard. Like you said, she mowed me down. NOT INTERESTED IN REALITY at all! It was as though by ignoring the map, she thought that the town we were heading to would magically re-align itself onto the road we were on. Insane!!!
I think it’s much more likely that she wanted to make a wrong turn on purpose just to inconvenience everyone or possibly appear as the savior once she got them back on track. She could have claimed it was your fault she got off track had you stayed silent. Then appeared the hero in getting them back to the right road. My narc boyfriend is a long haul truck driver. He refuses to let me use navigation when we travel. He frequently tells me wrong turns when I know for sure he knows the way. He then laughs that we are so far off track.
This was a definite light bulb moment and provided a lot of validation.💡 Thank you Richard for presenting the information in this clear way. #2 especially hit home. The delusional aspect is very real for the true narcissists and you're right that this aspect of it isn't talked about as much. The person I had the unfortunate experience of being in a long term relationship with actually went through several "character roles" while I was with him. When I met him he portrayed a simple farm raised guy who was into country music and family. Within a few months of being with him he morphed into this tough guy biker and claimed he had been in a well known gang, wearing all the typical garb with the beard riding a Harley, etc. Then he morphed into a self-proclaimed clean shaven stock broker who wanted to walk around downtown in an expensive suit. When he lost a ton of his money and others' on the market he then fled to Mexico and morphed into a Mexican nightclub owner which he then turned into a seedy strip club and was shut down by the Mexican authorities. He took money that he convinced his elderly mother to give him to set up the nightclub as well as other acquaintances and blew it all. In the time I was with him he also was in jail 3 separate times in 5 years. One of his jail terms was for assaulting me in my home by putting me in a choke hold and threatening to kill me and take my house and all my belongings. So as you say, this individual wasn't just a garden variety "dick" or an "asshole". He was definitely delusional and also I believe Antisocial Personality Disorder combined with NPD (ie a Sociopath).
Very well explained Richard 💯 I have been watching lots of videos of narc all over the web from different parts of the World since April 2022. Got out of a 6 year relationship with a covert narc since October 2022. By watching all these videos it help me get out smartly ( because when they start to be aware that your aware.. gets really tricky) For me , when I started to discover her personality, I couldn’t believe it my self, it was like discovering that your dad or spouse was a serial killer with her mind …
Very insightful. Narcissistic Personality Disorder has risen in Popular culture over recent years but it is still very misunderstood. Most people have met idiots with narcissistic traits, but when you have met a full blown narcissist, you will never forget them, because they are psychotic and have usually tried to destroy your life.
My covert Narc girlfriend, (which was something i figured out months after breaking it off with her and doing a lot of studying) when I tried to bring up something she did that was not cool or not ok, she would either rage and then walk away or just stop speaking to me for days. And then once it calmed down she wouldn't talk about the subject I brought up or the reaction she had to it. She just wouldn't allow it, and if she did, all she would do is find a way to turn it all around on me and make her rage reaction my fault. She would say... all you want to do is rehash and make things worse with your non-stop communication. We could never have a normal conversation if it was something that was a critique of her behavior. It was crazy how good she was at turning it around on me.
This was great. I met an old friend from 20yrs ago this week and the second he walked in he was telling me about this BILLION DOLLAR phone call he was just on and all these awesome businesses he's created and sold. This dude couldn't even afford a f'n soda at the spot we were at so I said, "Even though you got all the money I'll buy you lunch!" totally fed into his usual hustle but I was just smirking the whole time he told me his grandiose stories..I asked him to show me his checking account..lol..I asked what kinda car he drove...lol...I asked where he lived...lol...so he said he was taking "Owner Draws" every month from his many businesses to pay his bills, he said he was borrowing his employees car (2005 corolla), and he said he was living in a 500sq ft studio his parents owned because he doesn't need material possessions, he's giving all his wealth away to his "non-profit"...Bruhhhhh I was so tripped out by the time I left ...I've known this dude for 20+ yrs and I honestly just stopped and thanked GOD for sending me on the right path to cultivating a beautiful relationship with my wife, 2 beautiful boys, an amazing business that gives me the freedom to drop off/pick up/PTA meetings/play date/be with my boys every single day. None of this weirdo baller shit means anything, it's not impressive, it's not admirable...the most beautiful thing on this planet is amazing relationships, living an honest, hard working life and having integrity. I felt like I looked the devil in his eyes and f'n bitch slapped'em.
Richard…spot on as usual. Your way of clearly speaking fact and truth is so refreshing for me. 34 years of pain and chaos. Discovered 1 year ago what he is when I happened onto a RU-vid video. I’m not out yet. Nobody will understand how I could leave such a “great guy”. I cannot explain this sickness and make them understand. I barely can myself. At 65, it will be very difficult in numerous ways.
I have experienced this. All of this. The thing I would add is that when he was defending with his false self, he would need to view me in the worst light in order to justify treating me the way he wanted to. It was clear in trying to reach him when he would go into his mode, that he was looking through me at some weird awful version that he had created. There was never any level of reaching him in those moments. A stunning lack of humanity. His eyes would go completely empty and dark. It was one of the strangest and most terrifying things I have ever experienced.
Thank you for this validation. For the last couple of years, I've been thinking in terms of psychotic and delusional about my narcissistic mother. I've been around people hospitalized for psychosis and they are just as out of reach as my mother. You can't have a decent conversation.
Yes! DELUSION should be the number one thing to check if you are in doubt if it's a disorder. Normal people can get defensive in arguments because of trauma, they can be grandiose and abusive as well. But you can sense when you hit into a shiny buble of narcissistic fantasy
I absolutely went through this! Tried so hard to bring truth to horrible incident that happened and he did every single defense tactic that Richard spoke of. There is NO a common ground to be had!! It is so frustrating!
Relating to and understanding your three points. It's comforting and strengthening to hear your knowledgable words put forward so succinctly. Thank you
Amazing! you explain it shine and clear. I remember twenty years ago when I first read about that disorder... I couldn't stop crying. For the first time I knew that someone else in the world had the same problems... It was a relief. I learned a lot about it and you helped me a lot too. Nowadays I try to do my best, so to be a victim never again, but a survivor. Thanks for your help.
Man, this hits home. My Mrs of 16 years explained perfectly; she has had a lot of trauma - losing both parent and her only sibling. it is soul destroying to live with and hard navigate when your trying to keep the Family unit together for the kids. Makes you feel helpless.
Wow !!! I am so deleighted by this explanation. It it goes from the receipe to the root cause of how they are, and why it is so difficult to understand them, and why it is never working. I will keep that in mind. It goes to the relationship ( or lack of) it self. It shows the relationship with the narcissist, this weird dynamics that is so incomprehensible. Fantastic , i hope lots of people hear this and saves lives
I want problems always 😂 It’s definitely been hard to make sense of arguments, because my ex always fought from an alternate reality. He was just…on another planet. The combination of grandiose delusions, paranoia, deflecting, and extreme defensiveness really make it all make sense now.
How do you know they had a perfect childhood? There are so many unseen dynamics in any given family, and people only portray the ‘good’. Your comment is somewhat ignorant.
Mr Grannon - You are right on - You have been a major part of my healing journey, along with a couple of Psychologists ( SInce 2014-2015 to the present) - How do I save my 10 year old child from this kind of abusive behavior? She is living with her Mother and I can see the same things in my child that I have been through myself. Keep on With Peace and Love
It’s very exhausting to be with them. It’s difficult to remain silent and going along with their arguments. The last girlfriend I had started an argument with me and I ghosted her. I have not heard from her in 4 months. I have been so discarded that she has not bothered to contact me. No hard feelings.
This is exactly what my Ex he was, is like the world is turning upside down, for him everything seems like people hate him, or his got badlack, meaning he's looking for sympathy.
Thank you for your work Richard! Following you helped me heal. One thing that really helped me was allowing myself not to like everybody. Don't care if your a narcissist, a dick, a borderline, a user, a liar, impolite or whatever. If I regularly feel worst after interacting with you then I did before, it means I don't like you. And I don't have to deal with people I don't like. I can walk away. I have boundaries, and this is one of them. Simplicity is best.
Great summary, I appreciate the 3rd point. My relationship was with someone who was abused at a young age. It’s been really helpful to keep that context in mind during our ridiculous and endless arguments.
Good that you emphasized that last bit about not misusing the term, Narcissist, to describe anyone who used you, just isn't into you, or acts unpleasant.
Thank you! As a little girl i learned to acvomodate from my mother. Then married a man who was narcissistic and have a brother who is a mean narcissistic man. My only shelter was my dad and he died in 2020. It literally changed me. Got into therapy and deep dived into my behavior
My soon to be ex-narc wife had a model and privileged childhood and was spoilt by her parents. She got everything she asked for yet she is an extreme narcissist.
I’m here again listening to you Richard .. I’m on my 3rd narcissistic relationship… now I’ve grown in knowledge from your help over the years & have managed (after guy has decided to not talk to me for a wk… first time his completely ignored me) to walk away for good. Seeing over years his dodgy behaviour & attitude & thinking wtf is going on with him!! very odd at times. So glad I found you, keep up this great work. Enlighten info … I’ve been listening to you in-depth over this wkend …some podcasts I’ve play several times as info has stood out….to know I’m not going mad keep going over stuff in my head re his behaviour/actions/attitude.
