3 Things INFJs Should NEVER Do 

Thank you Nathan! 1. Live with difficult and contentious people 2. Exist or work in environments that require constant reaction. 3. Let their boundaries slide.

Boundaries really are a struggle. I also feel there's a pattern here. If people see that you let a boundary slide. Without even thinking, they will inevitably ask for more. Like a child in a candy store. The parent gives them one. Says one. But they always ask for more. They ask and they ask and they take and they take. The parent firms up, the child cries and this keeps on till someone breaks. I have been trying to get better at boundaries, but I need help. sometimes I feel like ppl expect to be able to walk over me. Are hurt and shocked when I stand. I try to stand but ultimately I get over powered. Im not intimidating, I have very low energy, I hate conflict, I'm easily pleased and I care so much about others. So many of my efforts are met with failure. It's exhausting.

About their attraction to dark & dodgy characters. My INFJ girlfriend told me it's mainly an urge to fix or save them, especially when everyone else has given up on them. The desire to make a good person yet out of this bad boy or girl. Not sure you can generalize this, but that's her take on it. :)

I’m a nurse and it’s not a good job for an INFJ. It’s draining.

Today is my birthday, and I am an INFJ. It felt like your video was a kind of present. Thank you so much!

How an (*cof cof* immature *cof*) INFJ deal with boundaries, by an (*cof* immature) INFJ: - Ok, these are my boundaries. They shall never be moved. - Oh, is this boundarie bothering you? Here, let me move it just a bit. - So that isn't enough huh. You know what? I think I can move it a bit more, I don't really care much about that. - You want me to move that more? I don't think that would be a good idea. Maybe just a little bit, but that's enough. - I- I swear I had not moved this bounderie, was that you? No? Huh, maybe my memory is just getting worse. - How did you get here? - Ok, is ok, just be careful around here and stay in this zone, ok? That area over there is out of limits. - No no no don't go there... ok, I can let it pass this time, just don't do it again. - I told you to NOT do it again. - This is getting way too uncomfortable, could you stop moving around my boundarie zone please? - Ok, I did care about that, who gave you permission to go there...? - I don't like this - I don't like _you_ - That's it, TAKE ONE STEP MORE AND I SWEAR I WILL CUT YOUR FEET OFF - _I think its time to yeet this person out of my boundaries AND life :D_ *_The yeeting was done and the intruder was gone, still the INFJ repeated the cycle way too many times before learning its lesson_* (Pretty much, like Nathan said: Allowing your bounderies to slide is never a good idea)

The 3rd point, we should also try our best to set boundaries for others too. It's not a "NEVER should" like this video, but I think it's important to point out that INFJs get really fixated on helping and solving other people's issues, when they never asked for it. That's what happened to me. And Nathan nailed the point that INFJs do attarct "dark" people. Being friends with toxic people is like a trap.

1:- It is never able to be avoided, especially if wanting a family, arguments and subjects of disagreement are inevitable. 2:- All environments require reactions, whether at home or work, INFJ's can adjust but still need restrictions so to not overload themselves. 3:- Keep some restrictions and boundaries, also allow time in nature to try and purge the excess emotions that get picked up on during each day, allowing to to compile and fester is never a good thing because that can push you towards an explosive result, which may end up as the Dark Side, which should never be mistaken as the INFJ Rage.

Saved this to my “What the heck is wrong with my personality” playlist. Great insight, thanks!

Yes, I fully concur with all three points, especially when it comes to boundaries. I can be a bit of a doormat when it comes to letting people into my personal space.

Hi, here's a supposed INFJ. As usual, you hit the nail on the head and your dry jokes in the midst of all the deep thoughts on the subject always make me laugh, thx for that. Right now I find myself in a job where all these cases are a reality: a conflictive and argumentative team, a chaotic and unpredictable environment, constant changes of approach, a lot of unfinished projects and unrealistic deadlines... total blockage... I feel like drowning the fox and the chicken in the river and eating the grain. And one of the reasons that led me to this situation is my inability to say no when I had to say "NO". Now all that is left for me to do is to abandon the asylum :-)

The problem with being reactive is that it requires Se to take over. This is not difficult to achieve especially if one feels cornered. Se is the limit of the personality. However, the difficulty is the process that follows. You get to face Ni and the constant: What if and How about? It is a nagging voice in your head that considers different scenarios and criticizes. One can choose to distract oneself but the problem is that distractions aren't solutions. Not permanent ones. So, the problem still is on repeat although at the back of your mind. It is like an open tab in the background. And about difficult people. It is a thought process. Knowing that I can also be perceived as such by some (people), I tend to not use that when trying to understand the problem/person in front of me. The focus is always on solving things. It is similar to giving a mathematician an equation to solve. It is unlikely for one to stop when hitting a wall. You just try different methods and consider different angles to solve it.

Well RIP, 1. 3 of my family members are entj estj enfj 2. I worked at a cocktail bar where I get slammed for orders hours on end 3. My boundaries get stepped on daily Looks like I got work to do…

We need more content on ENFJs

Agree completely. My ESTJ husband (who is not not afraid of conflict) was listening bemusedly while I watched this. :)

All 3 points are, well, on point, but No. 1- Oh dear God! YES!

"I would even go as far as to say you experience a kind of pain." *Yes. Thank you.* 🥰 Nathan, you see so clearly. It's freeing.

Excellent video. I am listening to this from my condo as my neighbour noisily bangs doors and scrapes furniture across the floor with no regard for anyone around and does this through the night which wakes me up... When I addressed it I was verbally attacked and the security said to leave her alone as she has mental issues. So now I live beside this person who purposely tries to upset me and I get physical pains everytime I hear them banging doors in the nighttime.

Oh my goodness I feel SEEN. You explained these concepts in a way that makes it easy to understand. I hadn’t even realized that number 2 was a thing for me because I never had the words to convey it, yet here you’ve explained it so beautifully. I sent this to my family. Perhaps they might come to better understand me if they watch it.

the first point is literally the family i live with🙂

Number 3 is my number one rule :) I see stuff going wrong based on someone's behaviour very quickly and I know that I cannot allow myself the questionable "luxury" of such trouble. People often mistake my unassuming ways as an invitation to be rude / aggressive / mean and that's when they get VERY surprised at how much I will push back or, in more complicated situations, how strategic and undercover I will be to protect myself and make their evil ways lose. And I have been around quite some narcissists and psychopaths. This can also be summarised as: don't fuck with me.

after going through burnout (in which social interaction was a big factor) I've had to learn to set boundaries and I've become quite assertive to the point that I think I might use Ti more than Fe. a tip that can help is to set clear boundaries in the beginning of a relationship when people have no expectations yet so that they won't feel disappointed or hurt later on. it's still very difficult to do, but (at least for me) it's so much harder to set boundaries when they've already been crossed.

Me, infj: I need to go live alone in a cave with a few cats, that sounds good. Also me, after marrying an entp who's allergic to cats with a career as a manager at a gas station: this is exactly what I imagined 👁👄👁

So helpful, thank you!!

Best refresher course ever. Much needed and appreciated!

As an isfj , these advices fits for me perfectly

This was very accurate. I can’t stand being in an uncomfortable social environment. My cousin lived here for a while and I started off very welcoming but he made my life hell. He constantly lied to the people I care about the most and kept using them and no one would listen to me when I’d tell them who he really was until it was too late and he’d taken thousands of dollars and ran off. My stress level was so high that I kept feeling I was on the edge of kicking him out but then I’d think about how it would upset my family. It was torture. I do get stressed out having to adjust to things that come out of nowhere. I hate surprises, even good ones. The third point is also true and boundaries are difficult to set. I am told all of the time that people can tell me anything and they don’t feel judged. I hear things I’d rather not know sometimes.

This video is absolutely spot on, and right on time. Thank you.

Excellent points! I do struggle with all of this.

Great video. Learning about myself has really changed my life

As an infj I am adaptable and attention gets attended to. At service to others is an automatic response. At times I will forget my own needs until I physically respond and usually too late. Being around selfish people who manipulate has casted a shadow of intolerance for skipping into this role again. Ultimately it is upon myself to make sure my needs are met, my cup is full and to know and love thyself. I do think more people should understand the myers Briggs personality types because understanding our differences can bridge differences and allowing people to have freedom to be oneself. Thank you for sharing ❤️

All these three points are so so accurate! About point 1. Oh boy! My younger son is like that. Of course I love him and would certainly die for him, but when he’s in his argumentative mood I can’t just can’t be with him in the same room. There’s always a moment when I just feel too tired and leave.

I agree with all of this. Great Video.

With such a good radar for aberrant behaviours i would have thought we were least susceptible to eg. the charms and manipulations of the narcissist. But very vulnerable to being stuck on the phone for hours listening to a friend/acquaintance download all their cr*p. How do you butt in when being sprayed with that endless verbal diarrhoea? It feels so rude and abrupt to try and wind it up. We need to be taught these techniques at school!

An amazing and clear video. It’s amazing how relevant and accurate I find it with many difficult and breaking life events or experiences I’ve had. Thank you!

Man, what better time could this video pop up? Spot on, Nathan. All of the points are indeed true. I personally resonate with the 1st point so much right now lol it's not even funny. Me, being a sponge, I find myself being affected by my ISTP dad's negativity, even though sometimes it's not even directed at me. Living with an unhealthy ISTP is basically emotional torture, I advise yall INFJs against that.

Love this, thank you!

Agreed, agreed…. Thx for the vid 💕

Its scary how accurate this is...

Brilliant! 🙏Thank you sooooo….. much for this very honest, true and real information! Its like reading my mind without me saying a word! I was wondering why I was drained and exhausted after work everyday! Although, I love my job motivating ppl to life a lifestyle of health, fitness and nutrition /wellness Its a very fast paced, multitasking job and dealing with over a hundred ppl a day accommodating needs answering questions making 40+ phone calls daily and selling! All 100% & high technology based! The complete opposite environment of what an INFJ thrives well in regarding hob duties /strengths! I’m great at caring, motivating & letting ppl know I care and want to help them stay accountable with great support /motivation but, at first I didn’t understand my extreme exhaustion & struggles! Now it makes perfect sense! I love the ppl I work with but the job in itself doing many things at once and answering and making calls with needing quick processing outcomes my Goodness draining 🥴

Maintenance burns us out! People use overstimulation against us.. thank God they don't win too much from it... except well.. losing our mindful eyes near them.

3 things INFJs should never do: 1.Commit suicide 2.Take drugs 3.Become a murderer Good luck giving a better piece of advice than this right here Nathan -ISTP

Exactly! Do I really enjoy being in the listening role!? Still trying to figure that out. And people never understand why I like going to places when they are empty… it is because the “dark” weirdos DO approach or “accost” me. Whether I’m at a park walking, or in the grocery store, at the beach bonfire, or a check stand clerk, a bus driver, my professor, or my boss... Lots of lonely people out there without boundaries. I’m learning how to dodge people in my 30s and saying “no” without guilt or empathy.

Thank you!! This was a great video!!

Very helpful and validating. Thank you 🙏

Appreciate the reminder ☝️

Great vid

YES my health went downhill after living with an argumentative and rigid personality like my ISTJ husband.

Thanks a lot for the video! For part 3., I would say the lack of boundaries for infjs comes from Fe (attention towards other people at the expense of oneself, Fi boundaries unclear) and the appeal for the dark side might come from Ti and Ni: interest and deep search for personal ways of thinking, both functions being introverted, attached to people if Fe is involved

This was really insightful. I grew up in a very contentious home environment and you definitely hit the nail on the head. I want my own home so badly because I need a haven, and one room isn't enough lol

You're right about it. I am learning to put boundaries and no longer feel guilty for saying no. I realised peace is better than people asking for help anytime. You can only pour water to others when you have any of your own. Therefore, I am trying to be less accomodating to others. People can be harsh on you, without them realising and I can't do nothing about it. It really hurts, too much that I sometimes get angry about my extreme sensitive nature. However, it should depend on me how I want to perceive difficult people and their nonsense. Staying away from difficult and chaotic people is the only way to go. Also, instead of being extroverted and acting like I can handle things which are thrown at me suddenly and demands immediate action, I am getting comfortable to my own skin and abilities of planning and executing it once at a time. These things make a big difference when it comes to personal growth and happiness.

You pretty much nailed it,.. but that last one should be the first one as that reinforces the don't live with assholes advice. 😂

Believe it or not, this has just answered a problem I have been dealing with so a huge thank you. I will now remove myself from the toxic circle I have landed in. My boundaries have been breached and it is time for self - care. I am dreadful about setting boundaries.

This is on point. Especially the first one made me realise that living with my bf who is ENTP might be draining me much more than I've thought. It's been almost four years already but so many days feel like a neverending fight over nothing. That makes me wonder sometimes if this even makes sense long-term.

Thank you..for this video I do need it

Excellent points!! INFJ approved.

Existence is pain.

After a lifetime of indulging in the behaviors discouraged by this video, I'm in a position to say it's good advice.

6:32 good point! I often find myself being tossed into the role of counselor but I'd RATHER prefer a less direct approach to helping others (as this can feel VERY draining) such as writing a research paper; be it philosophy, physics or psychology - anything to better understand the world around us :)

Exactly. INFJ is the worst personality type, I would not wish on anyone to be basically cursed like this. Having Te blindspot is horrifying, since Te is the most important function for life. Sometimes I'm not even sure why INFJ's exist. It's like we are made not to survive. I'd probably change my personality type in a heartbeat. It is completely a curse.

My infj friend really needs to the hear the third one because she talks to many dark and negative ppl and drain her own energy because their psychology is interesting sting to her …

Now i cannot stop thinking about the fox and the chicken and the grain 🤔

Somehow I’m an ENTP that live just fine with an INFJ. We’ve both learned how to balance and work out the logical vs diplomacy.

Thank you is really interested.

Strongly relate to #2

Done this many times and back. When someone I was helping go through difficulties, but they would go overboard, then I would be thinking "enough is enough" and ready to door slam them. When it will be clear that there's nothing more I can do, I leave.... not ever looking back. Sometimes the only regret that I would feel is the "time" I spent trying to fix them which must have been put to more useful endeavors. But, no, feeling free and unburdened is a most welcome reward. Reason and logic always coming in at the right time.😇

So true. Although I must admit I do appear judgemental to people. In fact I accept most things as options, but among people I like and trust a little, I tend to spit strong opinions, waiting for them to comment, to react, to see who they are, how they behave, if they have an interesting insight. It seems like people like it or hate it. If I'd stop, I would have to stay silent. I think maybe shame I offended someone pushes me to give up on boundaries. Thanks for the useful tips.

Point 3 - exactly describes our INTJ (me) and INFJ (him) relations with a close friend of mine. And sometimes I really do cross lines in our relationship, although I often don't notice that. Actually, in this case I would say, close communication with people like INFJ (like love or friendship) allows their introverted counterparts to play a pseudo-extroverted role, like, trying to make an INFJ express their emotions, test their notion of righteous and allowable, make them show at least any "signs of life". If I got this movie right, I guess, my friend hates me))

2:21, yes. I live part time below a very chaotic and toxic family (they moved in after I did) and it takes SUCH a toll to not have a refuge in what should be my sanctuary. So grateful for the time away so I can recover from hearing their aggressions and dramas at least.

Very accurate. These 3 described the young version of me. Most of my former girlfriends fell into #1. #2. Yeah, I still struggle with that. That is exactly what dispatchers do for a living. At my former workplace, all of the dispatchers were ESTJs and they really thrived in that roll, constant fires that needed to be put out. #3...Yeah, I used to be a magnet for people who were a touch unsavory and folks who were a nonstop pity party....no more.

If you can see where a situation is going ahead of time you can divert any problems right away.

Oh good lord, it appears to me that I am extremely early. Good day sir.

Underrated

We need intj of this.

That was too accurate, I’ve been complaining to my INTP sister about my INTP boyfriend because he’s been oddly argumentative this week, I know it’s due to tiredness. But I prefer my sister over him when he’s tired because at least she’s not arguing with me on everything. Maybe she has learned to cope with someone like me, because she is calm and mildly cranky when she’s tired but I find it adorable.

I didn't choose to live with very challenging people... But I have to for at least some more time. It's... Just life. It may or may not make me stronger but at least when I'm free, I'll see things more clearly - so I hope at least I'll learn from it.

OHHHH I have so much to say about these 3 things Short version: I definitely agree with all of them Long version: 1. The worst part is when you don’t really have a choice but to live with someone like that like a family member 😭 fortunately my immediate family is for the most part drama free, but I remember when I was young and my parents would argue around my younger brother and I, I wasn’t just upset because my parents were arguing I didn’t feel physically well. Even to this day if I’m in a situation with drama and problems or if I have to confront someone contentious, I feel physically sick-like I’m going to throw up. It impacts me a lot more than I’d like for it to :( and sometimes it’s unavoidable. 2. Customer service jobs were my worst nightmare. I definitely do not do well in those settings and while I need some form of stimulation in a job to be excited and not bored, something reactive is not what I’m looking for. 3. This is probably the one I’ve struggled with THE MOST. Boundaries are something I’m still learning how to do. And the thing you said about no one ever asks INFJs how they feel about being ppls personal therapists is SO TRUE. personally, I’m okay with it if it’s just my good friends, but it wears me down over time if it’s someone I’m not really close with. I had that happen to me in high school and I didn’t know what else to do. And yes unfortunately I do tend to attract dodgy people :( I’ve had to completely doorslam someone before for not respecting my boundaries and it was really hard. But definitely a learning moment and I know now that I should never let people cross any lines. This was so good thank you !!

2. Exist or work in environments that require constant reaction. Until introverted intuition and thinking finds algorithms to fit patterns in the apparent randomness. Then it can be satisfying, and although it's still draining it's not nearly as significant at that. I think I developed that skill by working in IT programming for many years. But finding those patterns and discovering it's screws, hinges and latches to develop a functional model is very draining if it's a novel subject to me.

As an autistic infj this really hits home two days before my problematic esfj nana with Alzheimer’s permanently moves into our house T-T double whammy

I hate being an INFJ so f'ing much

I was born into a family of difficult and contentious people. No wonder life is like it is.

The second point really got me. I work in warehousing; I drive reach trucks which can cause serious damage. Since my warehouse tends to be so busy, I literally panic and end up damaging a lot of stuff 😂, I even broke some machine that costed the company 1k, but luckily that didn't comes from my pocket 😅

My INFJ friend seems to have much more difficulty with people who conflict with HER rather than people who have conflict, per se, although peace and quiet are very important to her. It's true that she needs to spend a lot of time in peaceful surroundings to feel refreshed.

Point 2 explains why I felt so miserable when I was an interpreter, I felt a lot of fear, irritability and anxiety all the time. I fear that I have to be an interpreter agsin because of economical matters 😣

Nice work, thank you! :) 1) Dodged the bullet in rejecting this girl with Borderline personality disorder 7 years ago, haha... 2) Oh damn, I had a job where the phone was constantly ringing and it drained me completely 3) Yes, definitely, I always had problems with this, although I learned to keep dodgy people away :'D

I agree with all of your points here, and I'm always amazed at how well you seem to understand INFJs. 😮 I've read somewhere that emotional pain - getting broken up with or someone being mean to you - registers a "pain" response in the brain in the same way it does with a physical pain. So yes, emotional pain does feel like physical hurt, and I think INFJs (and High Fe users in general) are very sensitive to that kind of pain, so I definitely agree with the first point. I can see the growth potential afterwards, but being in a difficult interaction with someone belligerent is only painful and draining in the moment. Regarding work and point #2; I work at a highschool where I counsel in their career and choices of what they're going to study, and right at the start of the autumn semester - when school is just getting going - there is definitely a lot of chaos, reacting and quick organizing needed. I _Can_ do it, and I've been getting better at it over the years because it's essentially always the same or similar questions, but it's definitely draining for me. I'm glad it's only for a few weeks. If my work was always like that, I don't think I could have kept going. And finally for point 3, I agree that boundaries are very important, and it's taken me many many years to figure out where they lie. I had to get into a few arguments with a good friend of mine before I could really put my foot down and say "No, you know what, I'm not going to do what you're asking of me". I'm still good friends with that person, but they're likely an ESTJ, and as I've realized that, I've also realized why we're so different. 😅 Anyway, like I said, I agree with all points and I think especially Younger INFJs should take these lessons to heart, but sometimes the best - and only - way to learn something is by going through it. But don't start working just anywhere, and really "vet" your friends before you live with them, and find your boundaries and stick to them; doing so is very good for developing self-respect.

My god this is so true, this is about my son the INFJ, he likes his home life to be quiet and smooth. He changed his job until he found one that really suited him, it gives him an intense physical workout while giving him time and quiet to work on his screenplays (he is a garbageman). He has a big mortgage and he lets out part of his home to help with it, and honestly those renters are good guys but a bit dodgy. And my son's boundaries are easily crossed (I as the INFP mother can see it clearly), the rest of us in the family have to make a concerted effort on our part that we respect his boundaries as he is a very gentle person. Oh and as an aside, he is our family guru, he leads us and advises the whole family, he works very closely with his ESFJ dad and they come up with some great collaborations.🥰I shared this video with him.

“They don’t talk about if the INFJ is enjoying that part.” Wow I think you’re the first person to mention that. It’s exhausting at times. I mean it’s wonderful that people feel like they can come to me, but mentally and physically it takes a toll. Because I am absolutely going to listen that 3 hour life story situation. I always will, even when I swear to myself differently. So it’s nice to hear that ‘gift’ has its downsides. ☮️🙌

Yes very true

The attraction to those kinds of people is mutual. I love studying dark minds. I hate their actions but that’s why I feel drawn to find out why they do the things they do. That ALWAYS gets me in trouble but I prefer that truth and learning over comfort so I guess I’m doomed in that way.

Currently moving out of my old apartment because i was surrounded by drama and argumentative people !! Glad to know I was able to take a step in a healthy direction :)

I totally agree with the first point. As an INFJ I once lived with an ESTJ friend of mine in college. She was constantly involved in drama and had very intense mood swings. At first, it was easy to help her in resolving these situations. It made me feel like I was being useful. But time and again she started to create more drama just for the sake of it. She was constantly coming to me for comfort and after I told her it was all too draining for me, she started to resent me. I wanted to help her and I was constantly trying to put out her fires even as I knew it wasn't healthy for me. I believed I could handle these situations better than her. My efforts and needs were being ignored. I was always giving and giving and I started to resent her without even realizing it. In the end I found myself being constantly sad and the worst thing was that she never thought anything I ever did was helpful or even necessary. It was like sitting on a roller coaster ride and never knowing what lows or highs you were being taken to next. I hated the uncertainty that always surrounded me. In the end I got so sick and tried of this loop, that I just had to cut her out of my life at any cost. I abandoned her when she was at one of her lowest points and I feel sorry for doing this to her. I'd just had enough of it all and was constantly confused about my feelings and hers. All I knew that if I continued to live with her I would suffocate and drown in this storm of her making. Playing the peacemaker literally sucks the life out of you when u do it for people who love conflict. I learned my lesson the hard way and I am really regretting not watching this video earlier lol. If you are an INFJ I would HIGHLY recommend you to not play the intermediator at all times no matter how tempting it may seem. You need your peace and allowing yourself to be filled up with the emotions of people around you is probably not the best idea.

This video somewhat helped me understand why I'm like this. I have always known that I am 'slow' but these days this trait is becoming even more obvious as I take on new and more difficult roles with my clients. I want to learn how to process things faster. Now, from here, I know that I need to go read up on my cognitive functions as an INFJ and turn these weaknesses into strengths

5:33 I saw a very popular INFJ on a dating site just today taking men to task for being lustful--while a quick look at her profile reveals her to be advertising herself as a playboy bunny. There's that sort of wonky dynamic to Se Inferior, I guess, too; it's not just that they lack firm boundaries--but they often have an itch to set & then dissimulate against their own boundaries.

I've often wondered why the counselor stereotypical content doesn't mention that the INFJ actually might not seek out these life stories and confessions. I think it's more that it just doesn't bother them as much, and afterward they've learned something about people that either goes along with what the INFJ knew or doesn't fit with what they thought they knew. Boundaries with the elevator strangers are important, but in the end the boundaries in the INFJ's personal life are the most difficult to maintain or reset if needed. This is why the "door slam" happens. Excellent job on this perspective, and the subsequent information. 😎

2. Is very true, working with the public as I did for a short time in bank branch was being inundated every work day with so many personality types my need for isolation was increased 5 fold. Never did that again. 3. Dark side personalities can be fascinating, but safe so long as you keep the boundaries and remain a question mark in their minds.

These 3 are present in my previous workplace. I was trying to survive so bad. I am so glad that I was able to quit.

it shows how sensitive we are. its weakness but also strengh. hehh... we need good strategy i guess or idk hmm...

Yup 👍🏼 TRUTH Why I love being in public when there are no people around… makes things easier.

So very very true