Every six months between the ages of 12-23, my mum would break down and cry over martial issues including intimate issues. It would be my job to “counsel” her until the early hours of the night. This would continue for days and days and then it would settle for another six months. It took me to the age of 23 to realise this behaviour had a name. Learning about this has given me so much relief.
I am so pleased that you understand it better now and feel relieved as a result. I hope you can have empathy for your mother even if she had poor boundaries. Remember, our parents do the best with what they've got. If she was more resourceful, she wouldn't have come to her daughter for marital counseling. When you can forgive, you release the burden from yourself.
indeed. it gets to be normal for those of us whose emotional needs [ego needs] were unmet and worse, shamed for, yet without realizing it WE were used as that space, how malnourished we became, and lost/empty. Now we shall find ourselves again by acknowledging that our entire SELF was denied and will continue to be by those people but WE OURSELVES do not have to do that to ourselves. Start asking: what are the ways in which I deny my SELF [range of needs, desires, feelings, instincts, thoughts/opinions/perspectives, beliefs, values]?
I am realizing this at 23 years old as well. It has been difficult realizing how much it has effected my entire well being. Best of luck to you with healing 🙌🏼
If i forgive she seems that as a open for to burden again many of her problems on my back and mind. Its narcisstic if you think your problems are that important so you drag them on the path of the child so the child can see pass them forward into the future. Its ruining children life. Especially if violence and treaths are involved.
James, depression and anxiety can sure take their toll on the person, but when you're the child and you have to step up to fill in for your parent, that is demanding and certainly unchartered territory. I am glad to see that you are scouring the internet for support and information. If there is any other way I can be of service, please don't hesitate to reach out.
James, thanks for your enthusiasm. I have resources available at no cost on my website: www.coachingbysharon.com - take a look at some of the blog posts as well as my other RU-vid videos. Be sure to subscribe as new videos come out each week.
I started pulling wayyyyyy back! I stopped visiting so much , stopped giving her my last, started saying no and she started figuring things out on her own and stopped depending on me so much! Even stopped asking me for money all the time! She just recently said, my family stays in the same town and we hardly see each other!! Smh well she doesn't even understand that it's because of her! She is always so negative, no One wants to be around that! Then I feel like I am always on defense mode with her....she never had anything nice to say about me or my daughters! Its something nice nasty!! She will not eff up my girls self esteem when I'm fighting so hard to protect it!!! Smh I hate it here
You are starting to create boundaries and taking better care of yourself. You're becoming differentiated from her and breaking the codependency bond between you. This helps set you free. We can't control how negative other people are, but we can control how much we let them in. You're definitely on the right track. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you this is really helpful, I was my mom's therapist as a child she would talk to me about how anxious and depressed she has always been, martial problems, money problems, insecurities and suicidal thoughts and it was my job to calm her down and make sure she felt supported. It took a serious toll on me and made me not even understand that I needed support too I thought the only way to receive love was one way support.
It's our early life experiences such as these that program our beliefs. That's why I'm a huge proponent of brain priming. I invite you to check out my free ebook: bit.ly/trainyourbrainforsuccess
Run run run away I am 60 and only realising this has been my entire life. I have been burnt out so many many times. The parent only gets a lot worse with age save your health and happiness and distance yourself. Get help to deal with all the suppressed emotions that’s you’ve never been allowed to express or feel.
1. Recognize your own needs. Ask what you need from others. 2. Decrease your sense of over responsibility. Parents are not as fragile as they seem to be. 3. Go into your imagination, visualize an instance when you as a child stepped into the parent roll. Now confront your parent in your mind, express your anger at your parent for falling apart and allowing you, the child, to take over. This doesn't mean you have to confront them in real lie, but this will still help in your imagination.
Yeah... So that's what's called... For a while I thought she was a narcissist mom since whenever I would say NO or would try to come around and communicate how her negativity and yells at me hurt me she would always turn things around and make me feel so guilty. Recently she said she forgives me for getting married, like that's an offense! She talks like my only purpose of existence is to be there taking care of her, listening to her, having her mad at me and never say a thing, clean the house for her , work and give half of the money to pay house bills, have to be there when she is coming down crying a Or angry and so on. Now that I am away she is always telling how much she misses me and that maybe the only way we will be together again is when we both die so there won't be no others. She always had a hard time accepting boyfriends of mine, always had nasty comments to make about any closer friends of mine. It is a crazy mix of being extremely emotionally dependent on me and making me feel guilty for saying she is doing something wrong or to choose my own needs for once (like marrying someone I love ). I am here at almost 30 years old... Had depression and suicidal thoughts for most of life and early teens, always so so so low self-esteem and now I feel like I have a huge tangled ball of yarn to work on. I think she gave me the best she could and I don't want to feed hate inside of me, and I feel much better living far from her and being able to limit my contact with her. Thanks for the light you are bringing here on RU-vid. To any other parentified daughters: Your happiness is important. Your feelings and needs matter. You are good enough.
Larissa, thank you for sharing your story with me. It sounds like your mother is codependent. She believes she "needs" you and that's why she puts so many demands on you and have strong expectations from you. But one thing you need to remember - she cannot hurt you without your permission. It's not what she does that hurts you, it's how you think about it that hurts you. She clearly has trouble managing her emotions. You are trying to set boundaries and make independent decisions without asking for her approval, but you are still wishing you had it on some level, which keeps you attached to her. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to manage your own thoughts and feelings, decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother without trying to change her, and live with integrity. Hope that helps.
Grew up as a parentified child and only in my late 20’s realized this and have worked on meeting my own needs (which always took a back seat over others’ needs and wants), setting boundaries, and advocating for myself. I really want to distance myself from my parents however one already has chronic illnesses (end-stage kidney disease, loads of heart problems CAD, cardiomyopathy, had several heart attacks already) and nobody else to take care of them except us children. I find myself in a bind because on one hand I want to focus on myself for a change and I need to reparent myself and recover from codependency but on the other hand their health issues are also not a trivial thing. Sometimes I don’t know if me taking care of them is something I do out of love because I still feel guilty most of the time. Like it’s an obligation. But at the same time if they’re gone I don’t want to regret that I could’ve spent more time with them but I focused on myself. So even though I moved out years ago now I live with them again, the dynamics between us have changed and I have more power now compared to when I was a kid. But you can also say that it’s still the same, I’m still in the “carer” role and putting their needs before mine.
Paulina - believe it or not, your predicament is something that many parentified children find themselves in as adults. It's an internal conflict and there is no right answer except what's right for you. I encourage you to work with a therapist or coach to make sure you find that answer, to live life on your terms, and to find peace. You deserve it.
At 37 I’m finally understanding that my whole childhood was manipulated by my mother. I was turned against my father, my aunts, cousins and friends. Force fed her thoughts, emotions and dogmatic religious views. Never allowed to have my own feelings or pain. Constant guilt trips and threats. Constantly having all of her problems dumped on me. Constantly having to listen to her complain about my father.....going as far as to vent about having to have sex with him. Her actually telling me to pity her over and over again. It makes me sick when I look back at my childhood.
Solly - it can be a shock when you first realize something like this, but it's a great first step towards your healing. BTW, I just recorded a podcast episode on the subject of parentified children if you'd like to listen to it: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep35-reverse-your-role-as-a-parentified-child/id1548603864?i=1000535417133
My case feels unusual because I recently learned that my mom parentified me as a child, and then I had twins and needed her help with them, which gave her a second chance at earning approval through being a good mother/grandma. I was no longer the easy supply. When my dad left her she spousified my brother who just told me he's actually said to her that the reason he can't find a wife is because he's married to her. My brothers were oblivious to the abuse I grew up under, but more the older one is getting a similar experience as an adult... Bizarre dynamics, but then no wonder my brothers judge me so harshly. They have no idea how justified my defensive anger has been... I mean, I'm still responsible as I unwind all of this, for every scrum I've taken conscious or unconscious, but all that judge me for comes from a childhood experience they didn't get caught in the same way.
Amber, thank you for sharing your story. It's not rare that siblings have completely different experiences with the same parents because of an age gap. The road forward for you might be in shedding your resentment and creating boundaries that help you feel safe.
What? I have needs? Thank you for that lovely reminder. I think your excercises are so helpful. I can see with practixe how emotionall healthier that id like for myself . Im the oldest of 5 ( 3 sisters and one brother) All of us have Ptsd , overexcessive sence of respinsibility, difficuly with knowing what our individual needs are, poor boundaries, struggling with coedependency and exhaustion. When you grow up like this its really hard to place yiur needs as a oririty because it feels selfish. Im trying to chage that so incan be a healthy and happy person. Taking care of yiur beeds is not selfish. Rhank you for this video. So good!!
Sad, but true. Many of us are just not aware that we have needs because for too long we put ourselves on the back burner. The good news is it's never too late to start. Glad you found the exercises helpful. This is an adjustment and it starts with self-awareness. Good luck to you.
My question is how do some mothers end up like this? Is it genetic or some type of dysfunction prevalent in some families? I guess I want to know why other folks have seemingly healthy childhoods and some get the toxic type. I always had to be there for my mother growing up. My world revolved around her, when I had troubles at school or wherever, she would pay me no heed but when she got back home from work, she would want me cater to her every need; cook, clean, be the obedient child that bent to her will. As an older woman now, I am quite convinced that she went through significant childhood trauma which flipped a switch in her. Even up till now, she still won't share what her childhood like, but she will lash out from time to time with, "YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH MY WHOLE LIFE!" That was enough to whip back into submission/obedience mode out of pity and compassion for her. Now I know that's just a manipulation tactic. "People aren't that fragile." most liberating quote of the day for me!
I was the beaten, mocked ,degraded family slave..I ASSUMED my whore maw must have been savagely abused ( because that was the BS of the day) although all the relatives I met seemed like almost TOO nice to her.. As an adult I decided to look into it... She was the baby of 6 and she and her mother got measles and almost died... She was a spoiled brat worshipped and coddled by her whole family.
Wow, thank you for this. I definitely have an emotionally incestuous mother and I never realized that feeling like losing your mom would be the worst thing in the world was not normal. I would have crippling anxiety as a child just being away from her and at school. I since have moved out and am in therapy (she is also a narcissist) and doing much better. This video is very good and true, especially about remembering you have your own needs. Amazingly when you start advocating for yourself in these dynamics, you get a lot of backlash from the parent perpetuating it. That’s what is also so scary, because to a child, not having their parents’ love is the worst thing in the world.
It must be totally hard to break away even when you know it's the best thing for you because there is that inner child that wants desperately to hold on. Glad you're in therapy, getting the support you deserve. All the best!
As a child that love and acceptance was required for sheer survival and it can be exploited when parents have their own emotional issues. You being willing to address and work on it means you are taking responsibility in ways they never did.
The anger and backlash for me is not just coming from my emotionally incestuous mother, but also from my siblings who have benefited for DECADES from my caretaking of our mother but now have had to deal with her directly as I have dramatically stepped away (and gotten therapy). Also, my closest friend suffers from parentification (probably why we became friends?) and has questioned my behavior (while she continues to serve as a slave to her father, siblings and other old relatives who use her while their own kids do nothing). She simply has not had her eyes opened to what is really going on. My own wake up happened last year, when I was subjected to a horrible gang-up zoom call, with my siblings making every angry bullying accusation because I dared to question our mom's care, and to express my sense of being overwhelmed by it and not certain I could handle it. They used my parents' methods of intimidation and rage to try to get me back in line. I was so hurt and shocked at the viciousness, I just quit. Quit the family gatherings, quit the weekly calls and bi-weekly visits, refused to participate in the caretaking. It was a big shock to them, and they are still angry, as is my mom. But I saw how I had neglected my own needs, my spouse's needs, my children's needs, and that, if I did nothing, I would be drawn into the endless whirlpool of need that is my mother (who always claims to be dying, but will probably outlive us all), and have the second half of my life (I am 54) stolen by her as the first half had been. Blessings on all of you, fighting against this problem. Freedom is worth it, even though costly. And thank you, Dr. Grossman, for these three helpful tips. Especially the third one, which I am going to try.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been stressed and depressed for the past few months and never really fully understood why. My mom is an alcoholic and has always been dependent on me because I’m the oldest. It’s gotten to a point where I woke up a couple of weeks ago and had this epiphany. I told myself that I am not her therapist nor am I her parent. My biggest problem is the guilt trips me throws my way. For example, she thinks she has PTSD from her last marriage and that’s why she acts the way she does. I know it’s more than that. She told me yesterday morning: “What if I really do get diagnosed with PTSD if I see someone huh? Then how are you going to feel knowing you were so mean to me?!” I felt like this was an odd thing to say tbh. It’s some kind of emotional warfare and manipulation tactic. I hate to say it, but I’ve started to hate her. And I hate saying that. I don’t want to hold resentment or hatred towards my mother, but I’m so fed up with everything. I want freedom!
Elacey, understanding your role is so important and I'm glad that you had the revelation that you aren't responsible for your mother. She may lack boundaries, but that doesn't mean you have to follow suit. While I can understand your feelings toward your mother, for your own sanity, I encourage you to practice a loving-kindness meditation until you can release all resentments. Good luck!
I really raised myself. No father- when I tried to contact him in my 30s my mother called me a traitor, a (last name). I lived with my grandparents until I was 9 then I was off to an alternative high school in VT at 16. It was like going off to college prematurely-especially in the crazy late 70s. My mother would call me and ask me boyfriend advice. She moved from Florida to Vancouver BC to be with some boyfriend leaving me virtually orphaned. She did insist I help her move from FL to WA state in the late 70s because she freaked out driving with her U-haul in a snowstorm when her 68 Volvo broke down- so I left my friends and helped her. - I have been CONSTANTLY worried about her. (I'm physically ,emotionally and spiritually drained) I see her as emotionally fragile yet in reality she is a delusional, selfish, abusive narcissistic tyrant. She is 84 now and physically failing. She lived for a year with my husband and me, but she wanted to get her "own apartment" when she realized she couldn't control me. The verbal abuse was intolerable. Now, despite her poor choice of moving out and to a place not pet friendly, I am the new owner of her border terrier, Duncan. I want to write a book that describes the complexity of being an only with a mother who really wasn't up to the job of motherhood.
Christine - your store is unfortunately not unusual amongst kids with narcissistic parents. It does sound extremely challenging to have grown up under these circumstances but I love that you're looking for resources including videos such as these and a dog! And that you're thinking of writing a book. As you can see by the long list of comments below, you are not alone and I bet these folks would read your book and maybe can even contribute to it. Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing your story with me. Dr. Sharon of www.thepriminglab.com
@@theburnoutdoc Thank You!!! I have to say developing selfishness in a set family is hard. My role has been of the selfless go along to get along. Now that I'm bucking out of that spot, I'm upsetting those closest to me. Thank You for responding and I'll send you a copy of my book.
@@christinerobertson9596 It's always challenging to break out of a pattern we are used to. That's where brain priming may come in useful to you. It's a way of reprogramming your subconscious to make the unfamiliar familiar. Here's the link to my ebook on the subject where I share with you the 5 steps you need to take to get this done: bit.ly/primingebook
The first one has helped me a lot and I didn't even know it was a technique it was just something I decided on myself that I needed to stop doing thank you for educating me
I always thought it was so great how close my mom and I were. Other people would call us sisters because we were that close. I’ve been working hard to try and create my own life but I’ve been in the trap of feeling so guilty when setting boundaries with my mom and when she tells me how much she misses me and won’t I stay longer and how much time she’s trying to make for us to be together.. I live with her still at 27 mostly because of health issues that I’ve been working hard to heal from but I’ve also wondered why it’s been so hard to grow up and move on and detach from her. I am so looking forward to the new year and hopefully can find a job so I am able to finally move out.
Ashley - glad the video was helpful. Sounds like you are a true "Feeler" which is one of three profiles that burns out at work due to their high levels of empathy, poor boundaries, and desire to people-please. If you don't some changes now, you might experience other challenges with work and relationships (and sometimes health). I encourage you to make some shifts. If you can afford coaching, I recommend you look into it.
I relate hard to having felt especially close with my mom growing up. Friends would often tell me how jealous they were of our relationship, but the dynamic was consistently toxic in that I was either her therapist or punching bag, and we could only bond over victimhood, anger, and hostility towards others. I'm 22 now and also struggling to find a job to move away from my parents. I wish you all the best with your health issues and your journey! It can be hard at times, but you are entitled to your boundaries. Be well ❤️
@@Active0Bserver thank you! It’s hard some days to trust. The good news is I’ve fought hard so far and even when I think I’m not fighting hard enough I step back and realize I am just in a way that looks different. ❤️
Meeting their needs and suppressing my own, then taking that role into my adult relationships. When I found out what codependency and one way relationships is I got out of the relationship business. Got rid of all of them and surprise now I have peace in my life.
I don't know what my parents did when I was really a toddler kid. They say that, they did their best. And sometimes yes, they actually did. They've sent me to best school & also took care of my needs as well as my siblings. But, I remember they used attend parent meetings when I was in LKG & UKG until I was studying 1st Grade. But after that, They suddenly stopped it. Then I got my younger sister and again after a 2 years again & younger brother. Then we fell into financial crisis. But they tried their level best & sent me to another school which was low cost but better. I respect & love them for that. Then after 2 years again they changed my school to the previous one that was best. Though they took this much care of my education, they continued not attending meetings & At the time I was really interested in singing, I was begging for the classes,They said no. They showed my siblings & gave reasons of thier living & financial crisis. But in the same year they started sending my sister into music classes,even if she was not interested. Then again my brother into music & both of them into dance classes. But they never supported me. I said okay,even if I was so heartbroken. They attended their meetings always. Until now they never leave them like they did to me. Still they have their dance& music classes. Btw all these things, I completed my middle school & started my pre-university in PCMB. At the same time my dad started suffering from CML(A kind of leukaemia) Then He started to lay down for hours because of sickness. My mom was the only one working for 4 of us. A year crossed. I was studying 12th Grade (2nd PUC). In the middle of the year,like in July my dad started skipping his medicines due to financial crisis, mom was always furious on me. I think because,she was working hard & nobody was there to help her. It bothered me a Lot & I was very sad that thewhole family is facing difficulty. Also I became so much concerned about both of my parents health. Also I was spoon fed by my parents to parent my siblings ever since they were born. I took care of their studies, extra curricular activities,competitions & everything else than that of their food, & things related to Finance. That's what I'm doing right now also. So I thought of my siblings life,education,career and everything. And I fell into the darkest days of my life,I got into depression for whole 3 years. I have gone through suicidal thoughts even. Which I remember a lil bit & most of the things that I've done in 3 years I really don't remember. I only remember the very good moments & very bad moments that I faced in those 3 years. That's it. Well When I was in depression,I was still concerned about my whole family & took a hard decision,that made my life completely hell. I dropped my studies in the middle. In those days, Dad was pretending like he was concerned about my life & studies. But Mom never spoken a word about this. She just kept quiet. In reality,nobody cared about what I was going through. Nobody showed me a right direction. Nobody respected my care towards family. Not even my family that I love. I was helping each of them whole day & Still I am. But they started ignoring my issues & carelessly day by day started using me for their works. When I was 17 I started living a homemaker life. I started cooking,cleaning,feeding cattle, & taking care of my siblings & sometimes both of my parents go hospital for dad's treatments for 2-3 days. I take care of every single thing in and out of the house. Because we are farmers. We have farm. I single handedly manage works waking up 3 am in the morning to 12:30 at night. So yeah,meanwhile, I'm interested in music. So I started searching for people who make music, on social media. After surfing so many months, I found one. I started secretly writing songs making contacts with that person just on phone. He's from another country so. Then I was ready to release a song. I let my parents know about it. But they again carelessly left it behind. They never appreciated. My mother knew things like this I was doing in music. She started pretending like emotionally she is with me. But when the time come to support she just escapes. And if I ask for support she starts blackmailing me that,she'll sell home & farm. Because,she cannot work alone. She takes my help in everything & says that if I become a famous musician I will say I had faced so many hardships & came out that famous. Nobody helped me. I did it myself. She even says, I'm making music for myself not to help family. She says that I'm waiting for her to die. Sometimes in front of the people or relatives she never speaks up like I help her. They all belive & say that She single handedly manages everything. Then I feel didn't they see me suffering for these ungrateful people. I never get a mention. Also she makes me cry saying all these things everyday. I've sacrificed everything. I never go out of the house. It's only 5-6 times I went out with my parents & siblings in these 5 years. I only wear old clothes that are given by my relatives. If I ask my parents say, no money. And watching all these I've become more independent,though I'm not. I feel like I'm used by everyone & taken for granted,underappreciated,& alone. I'm only provided with basic needs like food & shelter. My parents even make plans for taking away all my time doing their job. So that I can never be able to make music & try to become a star. They talk behind my back which my bro said to me that they talk, like I left college for such reasons that I made a mistake in college/fell in love & may be had a breakup/had issues in college and so on. Which were completely false. Actually, how do they know these things when they just sent me to the college & never turned my side, I was the only person used to report everything that happend. They never asked & never ever interested. Until This month I never knew this kind of topics like Toxic Parent. I'm new here. Please guide me I should get out of these things soon & I have no money no support still I need to make music & become a star. I just want to be independent. And still i want to keep my parents happily with me.There's lot more to talk to you not only what I mentioned here. Please Show me a path to get better. I'll waiting.
Anvitha, thank you for sharing your story with me. I can tell you have given so much of yourself and feel resentful that your parents do not acknowledge you or help you fulfill your dreams. The best advice I can give you is to take responsibility for getting your needs met rather than relying on others. You are already independent in practice, but you need to work on that in your mind. Secondly, recognize that holding onto resentment won't change the situation. It only makes you feel worst, so accept the situation and ask yourself "how do I want to feel" and then "what would I need to think in order to feel that?" Hope that's helpful. It's a powerful start at least. Good luck on your journey!
this is my first video from you and this was helpful! I liked what you said about acknowledging the fact that my needs are important and worthy of being fulfilled. I thought I had been doing a good job at fulfilling my needs but I still put it off until I know that I've fulfilled everyone else's needs first. and that's because I often feel over responsible for other people's. thank you for helping me realize this is something I need to work on.
my parents divorced when i was 7 so i my mother had to work 10 hours a day to make money and i bacame the caretaker of our house and my 9 months old brother.bc of these conditions i wasn't able to live my childhood.now i'm a mess
Tejas, sounds like you had a lot of responsibility at a young age. While you can likely understand how the conditions contributed to your circumstances, on an emotional level, it is hard to reconcile. I see that you are seeking help by searching for youtube content, but I encourage you to actively seek out help and recommend a practitioner who can use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with you which I believe you'll find very healing and quick. Good luck!
Thank you for this video. I'm in therapy since 3 years ago and we worked in that points except the last. I didn't know that i'm a parentalized child. Now i feel a lot of angry before some depressions in my life. But now i'm happy because i understand all that happened and happens to my behaviour now. So, let's change some patrons! 💜
I'm glad this video was helpful to you, as it has been to so many. I feel, though, that there should be a next step as people like you find it informative, but have a lot of feelings that result from this new understanding. What would be helpful to you moving forward? I was thinking of maybe creating an online course or some other resource. Let me know. Thanks for the feedback.
@@theburnoutdoc I think that is a good idea. I'm in therapy now so i guess we will treat it. The course is a very interesting option, maybe you could create a foro too, so we could share our own experiences, maybe it could make us grow together. ♥
@@s.5515 Sarilla, glad to learn you're taking care of yourself and can process your experience in therapy. I will consider your ideas moving forward, especially if I hear from other viewers a desire to engage further.
Sarilla - I know we talked about possibly putting a course together, but in the meantime, I recorded a podcast episode on the subject: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep35-reverse-your-role-as-a-parentified-child/id1548603864?i=1000535417133
My mother cried, sobbed, screamed and raged her own trauma at me since I was a child. Things that happened before I was even born. She told me she was going to die very soon. She also told me I was purposely trying to kill her with, what I realized years later, was nothing but normal child behavior. WTF was I to her? The answer I'll never know.
Sounds like she, as you say, had some trauma and perhaps became psychotic where it became hard to tell the difference between what's real and what isn't. Sorry you were in the middle of it but glad you're looking for resources for yourself.
I moved out of my childhood home early enough to start my own life. Things change when we break free. We become freed. With my mother , we were able to talk a great deal. Never with my F. I'm not developmentally behind .the opposite is true.
Yes! Your environment has a massive impact on your wellbeing, but the big question is when you're away if you can break free in your mind. That's the bigger challenge sometimes.
How much should people who are adults now and find it difficult to be around their parents because of the past confront the history or just focus on current? Because I’ve found this behavior seemed to be more intense as a child when defenseless now as an adult it’s much more covert.
That's a great question. You want to see how much not confronting this is affecting you given that it's covert. And, if you want to do the work with some support, check out www.ThePrimingLab.com
my mother has been struggling with bipolar disorder, complex PTSD and eating disorder for most of her life. this causes her to be extremely depressed, i want to help her but i feel that our roles reversed
Sounds like it. As long as you can put up some boundaries and help her from that place so that you can get your needs taken care of as well, it will feel like a choice.
I did told my mom if I could I would fix everyone face who made her feel bad at the time when she was unhappy when I was a child ! That made me feel better
I mean most I can pull from but… I don’t want to stop all of it. I can’t imagine not being my siblings third parent. They’re mine now, I’m in too deep. They make me a better person.
Sometimes even our harsh circumstances can lead to us becoming a better version of ourselves and it sounds like you've taken on a lot of responsibility and are finding that it's suiting you. Having that frame of reference is very positive!
Confronting her is an exercise for you only if you feel angry. It sounds like you are already on the side of empathy and compassion, so you can just skip that part.
How to deal with it when you're an adult but every contact with your mother is still affected by it? I'm 35 and, over the years, have had to distance myself massively from my mother bc she would continue to overstep and undermine my boundaries. Yesterday, after I was friendly to her for a few days, she called me and asked if I would fly to the UK with her to see the Queen, bc she would really like to see it, but doesn't want to go alone. She gets super emotional and disregulated and it's so exhausting for me always having to be the grownup in those conversations. I feel that the older my mom gets, the more she falls into this child role. I've told her that I don't like it and need a mother that I can rely on and talk to. I usually say no to any kind of immature requests like this, but I'm still not quite free of that ugly feeling of being used and hurt. It makes me depressed and angry that she is like that. I also realized that I could have really used the support from my dad while growing up and especially in the last 15 yrs to emancipate myself from her. Unfortunately, he was never interested in helping me to grow up, has an idea about it where he gives money but no emotional support, to him, growing up and becoming happy is sth you can only achieve on your own and by yourself. He would only tell me "you got to move out from your mom's place now, you're old enough", "you should be having kids by now", "you need to get a job by the time you're 35 or you'll never make it", "you need to be able to live by yourself". It's this awful constellation that has left me with crippling anxiety and depression, feelings of utter loneliness. And I'm so fed up and tired of it.
I understand where you're coming from and my biggest tips would be this: 1. You need to reevaluate the meaning you attach to what your mother does and what you do. In 2. Regulate your nervous system and a great way to feel less triggered by mom is by undergoing EMDR therapy. The ultimate goal would be to be around your mother without her having changed, and being able to maintain your cognitive and emotional boundaries so that you no longer feel negatively impacted but can shrug it off. Hope that helps. All the best to you.
I realize that when I step away from my mom - I am fragile. I spent all this time being there for my sister, but I didn’t really mean that much to her.
R Turney - Thanks for writing in. I'm not sure what you are referring to when you say you are fragile. Sometimes we realize that we're in a codependent relationship and when we step away we can feel "fragile." Is that what you mean? If you and your sister didn't get your needs met from your mom, you may have leaned on each other for support. I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel like you mean much to your sister. Consider what makes you think that and whether that's accurate and also why she might be doing what she is doing. We can feel "fragile" when we internalize what other people are doing even when what they do has nothing to do with us. Hope this makes sense to you.
BTW, check out this recording I just released today: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep35-reverse-your-role-as-a-parentified-child/id1548603864?i=1000535417133
Disorganized. Got all the way to minute four before I heard anything actionable. Even then the first example is not actionable. Just saying “get in touch with your needs”doesn’t tell anybody how to actually do that. In fact, she immediately encourages you to ask someone else to help meet your needs. There is no practical advice about how to figure out what your own needs are.
