30 things that people in narcissistic relationships are told 

If you have survived a narcissistic family, you're the bravest soul out there. Because they're so exhausting and deplete every bit of your resourcefulness.

SO Brilliant! "We shame them for staying, and we shame them for leaving." No words.

The worst part of being in a narcissistic relationship is breaking free as you will face a myriad of challenges of finding yourself again and heal from the emotional wounds. However, the real victory comes from reclaiming your power and self-identity.

Happy Valentine's Day to all survivors whether you are in or out. So grateful to this community and especially for our Doctor! ❤

My favorite: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I did the best that I could."

Narcissists:They are totally insecure. Winning defines them at the cost of others!! Behind closed doors they are completely different than in public !! They never change🤯

Yes....."you don't know how good you've got it!!!" People won't even listen to what you have to say, they look at the outward appearance, outside the home, and the narcissist almost always is glorified. They've destroyed my life because I didn't have the info or understanding of what I was facing.... Now I'm old, it doesn't matter, I know who and what they were.

Survivors can be amazingly strong, mentally fit, and able to out maneuver. They can manage a war without confrontation. They can adapt and adjust to changes. These are SUPER POWERS for a lifetime.

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

Some of the things on that list we even tell ourselves. "Maybe he has changed. He is trying. Maybe I am too sensitive, etc." That's when you're in real trouble because they've gotten inside your head and cause you to question your own view of reality. Thank you for writing this book, Dr. Ramani.❤

I’ve been told by the narcissist, that I am the narcissist.

My narcissistic parent "raised me" on most of those messages. His enablers reinforced them. I was shamed for planning my future and being excited about it, and by then, all those messages were engrained in my mind. So I decided to "do the right thing." I stayed. It was a lot of manipulation and abuse that I didn't see. It took me a decade to come around and get back to taking care of myself, going back to school, etc.. It was lovely. But still unaware of the dangers of narcissism, I believed he did want to "help me," as he said when I was devastated by a number of things. I moved back in. Then all the lights came on, the abuse was horrific, I was stuck for a bit, and he fooled most everyone into believing his story and those who knew it was a lie were threatened into silence. I was ostracized completely. We have to tell our stories, and remain visible. We matter.

"Why do you want to rehash things that happened 30-40 years ago. Just forgive everyone and move on". - My Sister

And those come when you dare to open to someone and talk about their outrages, if you don’t say a word you only get told “oh, you are so lucky, I wish I had someone like him” or “my dear, he loves you so much! I wish someone loved me that way” And then you know nobody would believe how they really are 😢

Sadly, I told myself some of these things to justify staying in narc relationships. You are right that no one discusses what happens to the victims of this emotional abuse. I think we all have our own stories to tell and we can encourage and educate others as a way of healing. Thank you Dr. Ramini💕

It takes two to tango. They didn’t mean it. It was just once. They’re just busy with work. They are under a lot of pressure. Every relationship is rough. You aren’t trying hard enough. Well, what did you say?! You should give them a break. You don’t know what hardship is. It’s your parents, you only get one set. They are from another time, it was different back then. Your generation is weak. When are you going to leave. But look what they did for you. Other people like it. You’re weird. You sound crazy. Was it really-that- bad? If it was so bad, why didn’t you leave? You should be grateful, you have ____. It’s better than being alone.

I would be more than happy to share what happens to a survivor. Perhaps we survivors should write the book!

The day I decided I'd rid my life of anyone who enabled or stanned for my Narc parents, I lost over a thousand pounds of garbage. You don't have to justify yourself or your choices to anybody. Surround yourself with the few who get it. A single one of them is worth more than a hundred flying monkeys. I'm often alone but never lonely. The day I became my own best ally was the day I truly began to heal. I wish healing and peace to everyone who has been or still is going through this. Don't make yourself smaller for anyone.

May I add one please: “Move on let it go! Stop living in the past. Join us in the present”.

I thought I was going crazy, not being able to understand the man i was with, flip-flopping, ranting, put downs, hate speech, on and on... i felt like the worst person on earth. When i learned about narcissists, thanks to people like you, i know im ok they are the lost ones, I dont cry, i dont ask questions, I accept that he is who he is and he hates me because i am better than he is. And i dont care anymore about him finding happiness because he cant. Thank you for helping me see his brain at work.

I would kill for a husband that vacuums I wish my husband was a clean as yours. The most difficult part of this process is looking back on the last 30 years of my marriage- I would share with my friends the little things he was doing. If I would vacuum the house, he would come home and “fix it” if I cleaned the counters he would “sanitize them for me” if I left laundry in the washer for even 30 minutes he would tell me I needed to re-wash everything . He would change the lint trap in the middle of the load because “it was going to catch fire” I was sure he had OCD… but no. He knew my greatest weakness was I felt “unclean” from past issues. He weaponized my greatest trauma. And spent years shaming me for “not being clean enough “ all the while looking so good to the outside world and making me look petty because I complained about how “clean” he is. No one saw this as abuse, until I saw your video on self-righteous narcissists. I no longer feel crazy. Thank you so much.

"what do you mean? He is such a nice, helpful guy!"

Love that we're lions and not deer :)

Nailed it!!! So true and yes time to acknowledge the victim and hear and believe their story. You just can’t make this s… up

This applies so much in the work place too. I recently had an issue with a person in a senior leadership position and the response I received from my boss was "just try to make it work between you two, you know how she is, she's had a rough go of things over the past few years". I replied "no, this is how she is because this is WHO she is".

Yes, I LOVE that proverb. That, combined with Maya Angelou’s “there’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” , that’s about it, the narcissistic abuse experience in a nutshell.

"You created your life " Uh...I did not consciously choose a predator.

The trigger list: "He never says any bad thing about you, he loves you so much" "I never have any problem with him" "You are too sensitive" "No marriage is perfect" "It was only a joke" "You have so nice family be grateful" "Maybe you should look at your own behavior" "Be nice" "Maybe it's you" "You don't respect him" "That's your version" "Let it go" "He means well" "You are too needy" "Is it really that bad" "Just leave"...

"Just let it roll off your back. If you make an issue of it, it'll just get worse."

Recently former scapegoat, I got rid of all my siblings at once, silently walking out with a smile. No contact feels good. The trash took itself to the trash can.

The lion never knows it's being hunted until it has been hurt .

Thanks to Dr Ramani I will get my first valentine's day gift, ordered by MYSELF, "It's not YOU", and learning not to wait for him to appreciate me.

"relationships involve compromise" Galling when all the survivor has done has continually compromised.

I have heard so many of these things. A total mind mess. It’s really damaged my mental health and my life. Focusing on my well being. Grateful to learn so much here. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Funny timing, as I overheard someone in Dr. office waiting room telling someone these things yesterday, including, “10 years ago it used to be Bipolar, and now everyone’s a Narcissist, and just stop trying to diagnose people already. No one’s perfect !!”

Alot of traditional publishers are not interested in advocating against narc abuse. I ended up self publishing a book on Amazon titled " anti narcissist poetry." In the back of the book I thank therapeutic RU-vid community for educating on narcissistic abuse. Your name is included. Thank you for all you do.

I can add to the list… “Oh you don’t get along with anybody”, (then they name other people you don’t have contact with who are also narcissists). Or… “You only get one mother/father”. Or… “But he/she loves you!” Or… “It’s typical for adult children to think their parents made mistakes”. Or… “All families are dysfunctional”.

This is one of your best talks yet, Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you so much. I am going to keep telling my lion story even if “they” don’t believe me or think I should be grateful for the good parts,etc…. I am so ready to be free of all the insanity

A LION sleeps in the HEART of every BRAVE MAN. I once told her, "I deserve a medal for being the toughest man alive for being with you!"

Your list of 30 things resonated so strongly with me it is remarkable.

"You knew what you were getting into when you married him." - friend "You made your bed now lie in it." -mom "That's just who he is." - everyone else

"But, he's told me/us/everyone how much he loves/loved you."

When they say "I don't have a problem with them. It must be you", that is the most gaslighty thing I've ever heard.

My fam always says, "THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD" !!!!!!! ❤❤❤👍 (I hate when they say that, like oh, I should just be thankful even tho it was abusive...)

Apparently, too many therapists get this list without realizing it is titled "Things NOT To Say".

'Why don't you just leave?' Istg if I hear this one more time, and oh this one takes the gold 'No way that is true, she was lovely to me.'

🥴 "I didn't TELL You to THINK!" 🥴 🩷🩷🩷 Blessings for Dr. Ramani & the Team!! 💞💞💞

The minute you started the list I immediately started crying because growing up with a narcissistic father, I was told most of those things my entire life. Thank you for covering this topic and I just pre-ordered your book as well.

My personal favorite..."be the bigger person"...oh I'm tired of being the bigger person.

Get it got it good. That’s what I heard. He was my savior…somebody once said he’s not yelling it’s just the way he talks. My children are traumatized because I stayed so long.

"You always tell me I'm wrong!" Nope never did, in fact went so far to saying, "You are Right." Constantly even when it was my idea...

1. You're too sensitive. 2. You have no right to diagnose someone else. 3. You're a bad person for being critical of someone who has NPD. That's an illness you know. 4. You have unrealistic expectations. 5. Everyone has something going on. You can't expect them to be perfect. 6. They had a tough back story too. 7. C'on, there are good things in the relationship, focus on them instead. 8. They're just yelling, it's not abuse. Let it go. 9. They're just speaking they're mind and keeping it real. 10. Stop taking them so seriously, they don't mean it. 11. You aren't perfect either. 12. Maybe you should ask yourself why YOU stay in this relationship. Maybe you're responsible too. 13. Maybe you should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you're doing as well. 14. Maybe they're just responding to how you're behaving, and your demands. 15. You have a nice house, a nice life. 16. They just have a lot going on. 17. Can you find another way to say it? Maybe you weren't being clear with them. 18. Express grattitude to them more often and tell them all the good things they do so they feel appreciated. 19. Forgive them. Everyone deserves a second chance. 20. Take the high road, even when they take the low road. 21. You're too needy. 22. It's just a generational thing. Your parents just come from a different time. 23. That's YOUR version of what's going on but they have their story too. 24. They mean well. 25. Is it really that bad? 26. He's just insecure. Cut him a break. 27. Just try harder with them. 28. Maybe they changed. They said they're trying. 29. If it's so bad just leave. 30. I've never had a problem with them, maybe it's you.

Dr. Ramani, you hit the nail on the head with every one of these. #19 pisses me off every time!!!!! Fck no!!! There are no second chances with me! Ever!

Yup I've heard every single one of these statements that people say to excuse narcissists. Yup it's a no win situation with the narcissists and with their enablers. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.

This is extremely validating to me. The lights are going on all around me

Also "Relax, it was just a joke, you always take things so seriously." I heard that one a lot.

I am specifically going back to graduate school to get a degree in medical geography/geopsych and focus on survivor knowledges in complex post traumatic stress disorder. I get to go back BECAUSE this channel was one of the few voices in my entire life (I'm 38 now) that finally taught me what was going on. Last year, I barely made it out alive from a physically abusive border narc who still threatens my life. One of the saddest things that I experienced going through the academic literature was how truly absent were basic understandings of how survivors experienced this world. It almost felt like mockery. I can see that it's a really tough game to play where as the material feminists might say, you will 'misfit' a lot. So, thank you for speaking out. I will definitely be pre-ordering the book.

You know how Strong you are when you are free from Narcissists. Sadly when your parents were narcissist you may find a pattern with the partners we connect with. More narcissists., Especially if you are a kind, empathetic heart. If you are walking on eggshells in your relationship, run and don't look back for your peace of mind. Send them peace, knowing that hurt people, hurt people and healed people heal people. Sending loving kindness 🙏💜

"I'm not interested in drama and gossip." That's one response I have received.

“You have broad shoulders “; “You just need to establish stronger boundaries/ be more assertive “

My dad would tell me as a child, I had nothing to complain about. We had a home, food, and clothing; of course, he never saw the abuse I was going through.

Dr. Ramani, thank you for this validation. I have heard most of that list coming from mouths of therapists and family over the years. Family, easier for me to to disregard their ignorant comments. However from the therpists whom I paid good amount of money to and I expected professionalism, to me is unforgivable.

I used to ramble commenting here, stuff on disabled independent living movements and agencies harbouring problematical leadership. Then looking at how i rambled, good lord, i really sat accepting that no one would tell if I'm just too loopy. Your recent vlogs, prefacing past vlogs too, have really been getting my head straight, and just more centered knowing the depth of what has happened. Less reactionary. Congratulations on your new book.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you're mean to him." Because I started standing up for myself.

And so, I have said so many of these things to myself, until one day, my eyes opened to the truth. And the truth set me free! Thank you for all the truth you speak Dr. Ramini. ❤

"All you think of or care about, is yourself"

The cat's got your book, she's reading it 😊❤!

You are amazing Dr. Ramani for standing up for us ❤ I could add a lot in that list but they all go back to the same core of disqualifying the other person.. I have to say that my biggest shock in my narcissistic/ abusive relationship was that all people & institutions blamed me and supported the abuser. I knew what to expect from my narcissistic ex-partner at a certain point, but I was surprised when despite of even admitting to hitting me in front of the judge, the judge’s verdict was that “I am an adult , who chose this relationship”, giving the biggest part of custody rights to the narcissistic father. That was a courthouse in France, where I am obliged to live (even if I’m not French😅). Even in a country claiming favorable to human and women’s rights, it’s devastating to realize that nobody will stand up for you

I'm broke as hell and I still made the investment in myself and preordered your book! Every video you make is 100% on point and hits me hard. Thank you for doing this work!!

You wouldn't say to somebody who been traumatised-' You have the right to abuse as you have been abused yourself so you have the right to traumatised others'. No one would ever say that as everyone knows it is wrong. I know I've been far from perfect but I have remorse and empathy and self reflection, but these narcs are abusive their whole lifetimes to others. Anyone who enables abuse is wrong. Cruelty is never ever excusable.

I love your work Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for the videos, they helped me so much to cope with all I went through.

Thank you for making me stronger today

I can’t wait for the book Thank you Dr Ramani for being there. You helped me a lot. I listen to you everyday.

No one else understands this better than you and those of us who’ve managed to escape the narcissistic situation and how to begin healing. 🙏💕

We are in the process of transitioning from a society where a lot of narcissism was seen as normal (male dominant marriages and family systems, etc.) to something else that remains somewhat undetermined. But most of us people who are not white males are not willing to be dominated and manipulated anymore. This is a tectonic shift in social dynamics. We are going to have to figure out how to navigate this with this recognition. Some people who are not narcissists accept narcissistic behaviour because they don’t know any better. This needs to be the focus of change - understanding that a society that subjugates some people and elevates others indiscriminately is not normal - or healthy. In the US this has definitely been the patriarchal male dominance model of living in recent history.

Accurate expressions, Dr. Ramani. I have heard all of them while in the midst of the circumstances. Have a wonderful day and God bless you abundantly 🙏🏻🎉

"I came from a different generation where parents didn't show their children much love and affection." I heard that yesterday from my old man. That was supposed to make the decades of neglect he inflicted on me and my brother all okay. It didn't. Thank you, Dr Ramani. I have heard many of these, especially lately.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

I chose a dog as life companion after my divorce, Dr Ramani just reminded me why

Blessings, Dr. Ramani thank you.

“They seem sweet” “Maybe they just really want to bond with you” Right now I’m experiencing a type of copycat sibling who wants to do absolutely everything with me and I’m struggling with a sense of identity at 32, my bf is completely supportive and understands my frustrations but I am continually guilted because I’m hurting them or “reliving the past” into just wanting some space and not feeling like I’m constantly living In their shadow. This relationship has driven me to the point of contemplating suicide at many points from how isolating it feels. She has been my bully, my hero, my best friend, & my enemy all at once. I feel so grateful I am able to come to your videos and feel justified for having these conflicting emotions

Thank you for all you do to heal and remind us that the lion is strong. I think another thing we're told is we shouldn't label people, and while I partly agree with that; we must understand the hunter and see the danger we're in.

“You know shes all about money” My cousin (who was sort of an older sister & enabler) to me about my mother who had been financially abusing me from a teen. Enablers always have some sort of phrase to justify or ignore their abuse!

I love that. "It's time for the story of the survivor." Thank you for bringing this to the forefront, Dr. Ramani. Unless you've lived it, you don't understand it, and how horrific it is.

Ooh the effects of shaming the child's identity is so painful. I went through that and I'm still stuggling with that (41) even worse I'm adopted so is shame plus guilt

#31) your (Narc) sibling will oversee your trust fund inheritance bc mom '$ final wishes identify you as "Special Need'$"...

And he left after all these years of protection for a new target. I haven’t done anything stupid. I don’t even want to warn her. She will learn on her own. I’m old and tired now. It takes a lot of energy to fight for something that was never going to work.

I'm excited about the book! So many things on this list I have been told. My wife is in denial of her BPD diagnosis with some NPD traits and this list just hits it.

you’re right, I’ve listened to people who teach on narcissistic people, they blame the person that has been deceived, and the only thing they say is run 🏃🏾‍♀️ a lot of them do not teach you how live in the same house with them until you make a decision, because in the meantime, you’re still living there, and some therapist don’t give you the tools for that! I agree with you, basically some of them believe anyway, when you learn who they are and you don’t give them what they want and you don’t engage in feed the source, because you know arguing is a waste of time they don’t hear what you think they hear and you know that, I let my words be hold them accountable with two or three words, when he does his ghosting for days at a time and when he comes home and act like he did nothing he’s looking for reaction. I don’t give it to him when he goes to work he has to go away a few days out of the week to work I don’t engage. I don’t feed the beast in that an even more that I won’t engage in and get emotional over it because when I do you already know it feeds it so I won’t feed it anymore, I let my words be, keep my dreams to myself, wants to help me write a book. I don’t want him to help me because then I’ll have give him power if I’m feeling vulnerable about something it feeds that thing, so I have to find other sources and other people to help me, he asked me all the time are you writing still I told him yes, which is surprising that he wants to help, but I do not because it feats source, I tried to cut out all sources of feeding, and I’m in counseling self-care, and when he ghost me, I call it me time it’s so peaceful even when he’s quiet, I can feel it so thick the criticalness, the air is thick with it, I dare not say anything I disengage even in my mind I’m not here to figure it out and I’m not here to try to help. I cannot it’s not my job I live with a conscience and unconscious, manipulator and a deceiver and he’s a Christian, I can’t blame God because the man I hear him in their praying, since he’s a covert narcissistic person, you already know what that’s like everybody thinks he’s the sweetest person there is in the world, and it’s not my job to convince anybody of anything else, and I don’t even waste my time, I can’t blame anybody in the church they don’t live with me it’s not their fault and it’s not my fault so I focus on self-care, and take it one day at a time, he gets very irritated with me because I will not feed the beast, so you know what happens next I had to prepare myself every single day stay alert!🚨 he know I’m hip to him, and the things that I say it makes him look at itself, and that drives him crazy. It makes him second-guess himself because he’s a little boy trapped in a man’s body who likes to pout and I don’t look at it I disengage and I go into self-care mood. It is not my job to fix anybody, but it is my job to have self-care! So I don’t get mad at Pastor or the people after church. I have learned not to do that. It is not their fault they are not God! So, when all the accolades come praising him, he used to bother me and irritate me and then I learn you are silly. Do not do that with giving your power it is no one‘s fault in this church is not even my fault disengage get your head together and this is not these peoples fault. They did no wrong to me. They are not God they don’t know all they can’t see all! That’s one thing I learned people have to stop doing stop blaming the Church because you have issues in your marriage, they only can help what they know what they don’t know they cannot help you. They cannot read your mind. They do not have a crystal ball. They’re not readers they don’t practice witchcraft they don’t read your hands , they’re not invincible they’re human beings just like you and I, I don’t know why we think because a person is a Christian that they know everything and they should know, well do you know everything about your family? Can you read their minds? The ones that you don’t live with, you see people have family members they do horrible things and it’s on the news,📰 you didn’t see the signs, and then what you blame yourself stop blaming yourself take responsibility for what you need to take responsibility for and what you don’t need to take responsibility for let it go don’t take their junk and that’s what I’m learning every single day until I make my final decision of what I’m going to do but in the meantime, I’m living with this person I have to know how to maneuver myself, not a vindictive way, but with wisdom and knowledge to keep my own state of mind, and to keep my peace, and until then people have to learn how to maneuver these relationships until they decide what they’re going to do! And a lot of therapists, do not teach that! You may go to work and deal with the same type of behavior, and you had to learn to deal with it until you leave! So that’s where I’m at right now self-care! And I’m not responsible for anyone else actions but I am responsible for how I react, and I know they’ll never change! Unless God step in and let me tell It’s very rare! Because people make their own choices, and God does not go against anybody’s will! So how could you help someone who don’t think they need help! Even God can’t help you! Because you wouldn’t listen to them anyway because they think they know more than God and they don’t even realize that’s how they think! 🤔

# 31 "Sometimes you just have to get through the bad days. The good days will always come back."

"It's just a rough patch" "Stop obsessing about your _____ (in-laws, etc.)" "Stop complaining" "If YOU would be nicer, HE would be nicer to you."

Can’t wait for the book to arrive, it’s a late birthday gift for me from me!

Looking forward to the book. Thank you!

So many of those things are what I kept telling myself.

The lion and the hunter's proverb is an old African saying. The African diaspora popularized it during the decolonization. The European colonization of humanity's reality is one of the most narcissistic endeavors humankind saw, at least seen by its survivors, because, from the abusers, it's another story.

"You think that you feel that way, but it's not that, let me explain you what you really feel and why" When I told this to my therapist,his first reaction was being enraged and stunned to what point that person is misusing his status, Therapist repetead question-He is telling you how do you feel? Because he knows what you really feel and you are wrong! That was first and only time that I saw him showing how that situation affected him. It was very short and we continued session as ussual. He is working as a pscyhoterapist last 25 years, and also as a psychiatrist. Very early on, he told me that many people are not going to understand through what I'was and I'm still going through. Explained and talked about coping mechanisms. Sadly, he was right. I was being told almost all this 30 things and beyond. But I'm still standing despite being a "prisoner" with those invisible, heavy chains and traces of my soul and me. Thank you dr.Ramani for pointing out how rarely anything is mentioned about victims. We are the problem. No, we are alone and trivialized. Our inner suffer, struggle, pain, emotions...invisible.

To add some more that was told to me : - You have to take responsibility. - That is your truth - That is your story

Catastrophy thinking. I ruled out all 31 of those possibilities. At age 62 greatful for new leadership. My inner Lion!

Here's my own proverb, from getting caught in the net: No one ever blames the drowning victim for the undertow that did them in.

I get a lot from my mother "I never said that". to the point she deleted her text messages while mine quoted her messages. The boyfriend decided to claim my disability is too much for him, and leave the country when he has never been to any appointment or follow up to support me in 9 years.