4 Aspects of Couple Compatibility 

I remember watching your videos on couples about 1 year ago and applying all of your advices. I’ve been with the same guy now, 2.5 years strong and we have a full trip planned in Europe together in 8 months. Thank you so much for your videos, it really really helps :)

RE: Shared Values. This is exactly why I never understood people who say "never talk about _______ on the first date/early in the relationship" because most of the time they're referring to topics that are considered shared values and I've always felt that those are huge things that SHOULD be talked about ASAP. I personally like to be upfront about those things to potential partners because I don't want to waste either of our time. For example, marriage isn't for me and I don't want kids. Marriage I can compromise on; if it's important to my partner, I'll do it no problem... but kids is something I'm not willing to change my mind on, so I always make sure to let them know that early on so that if they do want kids, we can just go our separate ways now. But people in my life have given me such a hard time for talking about religion politics, marriage, kids, etc. very early, they think it scares people off.... so its validating to hear that shared values should be taken into account for relationship longevity & success so I don't feel all that bad for my approach 😅 In my experience, it has always paid off to be upfront about these things.

Moral of the video: If you are ready to compromise then you are compatible.

Just had an abrupt ending to a 2 year relationship where we had so many life interests and daily habits in common it was ridiculous. Unfortunately, she has a very avoidant style, is extremely emotionally withheld and uncomfortable with any sort of communication that brings up vulnerable emotions. I value over communication, until a deep level of mutually secure understanding gets fully rooted. She was more inclined to keep it light and sweep things under the rug until they explode in to a breakdown. No matter how much I talked about the importance of transparency and developing consistent emotional authenticity, she would continually resort to deactivation and distancing strategies with very little self awareness. I My thought has been that with so many interests in common, this relationship was very much worth working out. She has a very different mindset. For her, it was mostly all about how it felt from one day to the next. In my view, a very unstable value system. And ironic, given how resistant she would largely be to difficult emotions, and yet relied so heavily on how “it feels” to the detriment of our relationship. Reminds me of another value I hold- trauma needs to be actively recovered from in the day to day, ‘cause it’s going to effect our behavior, may as well make a conscious effort of it, rather than let it take the unconscious reigns.

My bf is one the most relaxed laid back person as compared to me who is always trying to keep busy. I always thought that would be a deal breaker but surprisingly he calms me down to a point of relaxation I never experienced before and I some times Amp him up and encourage different things. The center of it all is the rest of your points. We're both so very compassionate to one another as well as others and even though we understand things differently, when we realized it, we agreed on communication immediately becoming our number one priority. We value our relationship and the positive aspects we bring to each other's lives.

1. Values (example: integrity isn’t their core value so behaviors will not align to integrity); Religion/culture alignment 2. Communication style (assertiveness, passive aggressive, are they sympathetic to your style or clashing, how much do you like to talk or leave things unspoken, how loudly or softly do you talk, how blunt you are or how understanding you are of your differences) 3. Long term goals (you don’t have to be aligned on every goal, but you do need to agree to compromise) lifestyle alignment 4. Everyday routine (sleep/wake cycle, need to complement each other) compatibility does not not equal differences; different diets, when they spend quality time together, hobbies, shared interests (more important than any other factor)

"I hate the sun" lmfao

Re: shared values, thank you! can't be stressed enough. My ex and I were polar opposites but I always said opposites attract so I ignored it. I loved to be out and about and travel and meet new people and he loved staying home and being cozy and with familiar people. We fought over it all the time, whether it was him not wanting me to go out so much or me forcing him to come to social events with me. It could have never worked out in the longrun even if I felt like we were soulmates. Now I'm with someone who values spontaneity and adventure and we have been on so many unexpected adventures together. Just like Ana says, you will just naturally gravitate towards people who share your values so this is not something you want to be opposites on

I just went through a breakup this week with someone who I have had many painful breakups with. I’m trying to let this time be the last time - sometimes two people simply are not compatible!! And it’s difficult to accept, especially when you both care about each other - but we do not share the same values or communication styles. Our relationship is full of miscommunication, distrust and pain. Thank you so much for your video, I will be using it to dig deep into this breakup.

I recently ended a situationship because he did not want to commit. Told me I was being negatively evaluated for my boundary of no sex outside a relationship. And told me that he didn't want to meet my family. He had to go.... That's too bad, I really liked the connection we had. But out values were clearly very different.

It was always strange to me how I felt kind of lost and uneasy in my relationships although my boyfriends and I were compatible in every way - until I figured out I'm actually a lesbian 😂😂

There is 5th aspect to compatibility and the last one is Respect! all the points you mention spot on! you just can’t build anything unless you respect one another. Remember the way you start out is how your gonna finish. Overall, great vid just missed out on the respect part from my perspective 🌴

I'm trying hard to get my boyfriend to communicate more openly and don't let things bottle up but I'm kinda like that too, so i get where he's coming from but it's so frustrating when i try my absolute best to foster a positive communicative environment and it doesn't work, or at least not like how i want it too. Fortunately we are compatible on the other 3 traits!

My girlfriend and I have been together almost 5 years now. When we first decided to start dating I laid everything on the table for her regarding what I want out of the relationship (long term, marriage, etc), and told her that if she doesn't want that to tell me now so we can go our separate ways while we still liked each other lol.

Communication style: passivity, aggressiveness, passive aggressiveness , assertiveness? During conflict management. How much or how little you want to talk? How loud or soft you talk? Blunt or sugarcoated? Similar communication style. Sympathetic and understanding of another communication style.

"I hate the sun" vampire confirmed 🖤

*relationship anxiety intensfies* … maybe I should just stay single.

My ex becoming stubborn and never compromise on anything was the reason we broke up. So that is a big deal.

I think there are a few basic things a relationship needs to thrive. Cooperation, reciprocity, affection (in various degrees oc), fun, honesty... Anyone who is too stubborn to compromise on anything, anyone who disregards your attempts to connect, etc. They will not be good in relationships.

I am a musician and it's very important for me for my potential partner to have an artistically-minded brain. Most of my family/friends don't get why I need this. It's really hard to find people like this in my area...I think I need to move to a major city. :/

With the current dysfunction of the world in general, I feel that you are a living miracle, dear !! Such mature advice.. Thank you for being, and be well

I just discovered your channel, but already you have a new subscriber. I was looking at the topics you talk about in the videos and you seem so intelligent and knowledgeable about things and it's amazing.

Really liked the video and feel that a lot of people need to see this to better understand their relationship ❤️

I’ve watched this video so many times, I’m so thankful for it

I just want to point out, that, in the long-term goals subject, compromise can also be translated as negotiation.

ANA YOUR SKIN LOOKS BEAUTIFUL

Shout out to my Romanian sis! Thank you for this video! I hope your studies are going well, noroc!

Haha love the saying on the shirt!! And love how you throw those out to help others distract and see something funny or positive to help calm the triggers

12:25, THIS PART!!! And this applies to EVERY relationships. Whether it’s at work, family, sports or anything else. This is definitely something I’ve been noticing in my life and plundering about lately.

Hey Ana! Me again! Great video as always! The thing about values is very interesting. You have put safety and excitement (or let's say openness to new experiences, that are not necessarily always safe) on the same level, one being on the one side of the spectrum, and the other, on the other side. I've noticed in with working with clients (and in my own analysis), that once you've achieved basic safety (that being, safety that is innate, safety that is based on your own capacities to defend and regulate yourself emotionally) your start to explore more, and you start to get more open to new experiences. Even though in clinical literature these two terms are usually opposed, my experience so far has taught me that most people, once they went through therapy, and "achieved" certain levels, start to explore and push boundaries themselves. Maybe in the future, we'll look at these terms not as horizontally opposed, but rather vertically. Nevertheless, great video I really enjoy it! Big hi from Serbia! :)

I am so, so thankful for you channel, great stuff to keep in mind :)

Great videoooo! As always 😌

Fantastic video, Ana! I agree with your point on stubbornness being the worst trait for compatibility 💗 it’s about compromise from both sides!!

Ana, I thought I couldn’t love your channel more, but then you unveil this tshirt 🤣 one of my best friends has a tshirt with the “awkward Robert Pattinson” meme on it, but his skin is glittery and it says “this is the skin of a killer, bella” Iconic. 🤣

this was so helpful! thank you as always xx

I've never heard anyone use Iranian/ Persian as an example. Thanks for including us 😭

This was very helpful; I was getting worried about my compatibility as my partner doesn't like almost any of the same things as I do (she doesn't hate any of them but also doesn't have as much passion for them as me). She's sweet enough to watch me enjoy them though and maybe that's a sign they don't contradict her values

Great job

welp...that last part about stubbornness encapsulates my feelings about my relationship rn. I see our differences as opportunities for growth while she seems to be set in her ways and is not willing to accept the differences or be flexible to compromise in these important areas. It's sad because until people like her change this mindset, I feel like they won't find success in relationships.

this been so helpful

I'm not religious but I live in a country where 99% of people are muslim. I'm having a hard time to find someone like me who shares my values.

I was stubborn before, the earlier days of me and my partner's relationship. I am so glad I changed, not overnight though, or we would still be having arguments and such every other night.

This video was very Informative. I hope my future wife "wherever she is" has a chance to see this. 🙃😎✌.

You hate the sun but the sun loves you! You look so pretty. Your hair and your face are glowing! ☺️

Great vid new sub 👍🏾

if they lie about heir mental health issues or downplay them RUN

Your videos are so good 👍👍

I clicked on this video because my partner said they didn't think we were compatible. We often argue about how to get things done in the house or anything in general. It feels difficult to disagree w him, I told him that it seems like he only wants to hear yes from me. And that if thats what he expects of course he'll be unhappy. I told him that sometimes compromise is necessary but he doesn't seem to want to compromise at all... I want to show him that compromise doesn't have to be something negative but idk how

I'm hoping that at some point in my life, my values can be respected for once by someone who's mature enough to see and understand them. Values in friendships are one thing; I know when to walk away or to end things if something isn't working. It just feels as if it's going to take time for me to recognize the green flags and hold onto that healthy, long-term relationship/marriage.... living the single life can only bring me so much fulfillment some days.

Thank you Ana :)

I know this is an "old" video (relative to internet terms) but here's a curve ball at you (precisely because you are competent): How do you communicate your values if you're stereotyped almost automatically by your surrounding environment (live in Neo-fascist Italy in this case) without ever being given the chance to transcend initial assumptions by conversing? One of the things that make me wish I lived in the US.

Oh my her eyes are Gorgeous 🥰!!

Hi can you make a video on how we can identify our own values?

I laughed so hard through this video. Me and my soon to be ex husband clash on all of these four points and one of his main characteristics (according to both me and himself) is that he is stubborn AF, and he knows it. Not really a shocker why this didn't work out between us...

My partner is a Filipina and catholic I'm English and a atheist, we get on amazingly well, we have quite a bit in common and never fight

Well, your list is accurate to why it did not work out with Ex 2. All 4 items.

I would say attachment style compatibility is one of the most important ones. Also sexual compatibility.

Thank you for this great information! Btw your skin and makeup look for gorgeous than ever! Would love to know your secret ❤❤❤❤

Compromising for most relationships don't work. It's either or not IF SO THAN...that give and take falls in line with understanding, accept or don't accept.

Wow even #1 already makes me realize how differently I always thought about what constitutes "value". But it's true... My ex and I were together for 6,5 years but my very high Sensation Seeking (Zuckerman, 1965) wasn't the best fit with her borderline generalized anxiety. I guess I value new experiences while she values her comfort zone. ...and #3 killed our relationship in the end. She finally admitted (to herself, most importantly) that she probably will never want kids.

I’ve started dating someone recently. He’s much older than I am but that makes him super self aware and mature which I find so attractive. However, we have such different lifestyles and I think it’s largely due to the age gap. We share the same values, communication is on point but long term goals r something we should probably discuss soon. Idk... the lifestyle thing seems like it can work with compromise but I’m still not sure. Also, I’m not sure we’re sexually compatible which would be a big deal cuz I’m a very sexual person. I guess we have to just take it day by day and see. There’s so much potential here but I’m still not convinced it can really work. Ugh!!!

good video ✅

I have really been enjoying your videos- I'm also in grad-school for mental health, but I'm getting the more humble Master of arts in mental health counseling. **This** video made me like you more because of what happens around 4:37. It made you seem more human. And made me laugh. Thanks for leaving that in there.

It's not stubbornness if two people are on career paths where the two-body problem cannot be solved to determine a common location. That is why in general it is not wise to pretend that there is a relationship if either partner's values are that their career takes priority in their lives, unless one agrees they will go where the other feels they need to go.

Hi ana, thanks for all the content, and maybe u can do a video on how to manage dating with a borderline. its a difficult time and i really love my couple but need help for coping

really good points, could you also cover the so called chemistry and also why the other person might retreat when they realize someone they like is starting to have feelings for them?

so glad I watched this, all my life, since my early twenties, I always felt more THAN ANYTHING I was with someone with the same values as me. So I was right! ok.. great! I think my current partner is not my best match. (I am widow thats why dating again)

I’m a muslim dating a christian, we are still in our early 20’s and have no idea what is gonna happen in the future :”)

What about moving to Pennsylvania? We have southern summers and northern winters! Great vid! I really resonate w everything you said. Also just someone wanting to compromise with you really speaks a lot about love.

Hi Ana I know I’m late but I hope you know that the state of MA was never desegregated and it shows in the lives and behaviors of many. The south looks great to people in the north and the north looks like paradise to some in the south. The differences show up as covert or secret and honest or blatant racism. Picking poisons as fake allies vs clear enemy territory 🤷🏾‍♀️ There is peace to be found in knowing how to move around both Love your work!

Thinking about ending a relationship that is becoming very frustrating lately. She's a good person, but I don't think she can relate to me at all. I have expressed how I sometimes feel abandoned and how it seems our communication is just one sided. I do all the work and when I leave her to her own devices, she doesn't bother writing me at all. We almost had an understanding about how spending time proper with each could help us understand how we feel about each but she insists on bringing her work routine to it, one thing that actually was the cause of us not being able to meet the previous weekend. She doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. It's as if she disregards my feelings and the value of my time.

I like your kitchen it is very cool

Thank you for the amazing video! I am fully aware of the fact that long term high quality relationships always take a lot of work and always compromises, as no person on this world is tha same. What I struggle with often is one question: The lower the compatibility is based on values, everyday needs etc. the higher compromises are needed, right? So the more different my partner and I am, the more we both have to "sacrifice" our athentic self from time to time in order to get along well and connect. What is the point, where it is too much? when is the partner maybe just not the "right person" for me and when is it just a thing of working on the relationship? It would help me so much, if someone shares their experiences

I'm going to argue that a couple who are both passive aggressive are terrible together, based on personal experiences. They always end up being petty and horrible towards eachother

I like your videos.

Stubbornness 100%. My ex would have ideas in her head about what she wanted and then when she expressed them to me and I disagreed, she’d say that *i* had “shattered her hopes and dreams”. Like what? At first it was fine but as the relationship went on, it was so draining for me to feel like I had to fit into her little box or else she’d get extremely upset. I think she just didn’t want to compromise and eventually it led to me being unhappy and ending the relationship.

This “loca” señorita has wisdom well beyond her age.

Kids is a really tough one to compromise on, especially if two people are on either sides of the spectrum i.e. one has always wanted kids, the other never wants kids. I don't know that it's possible to compromise in that situation and have everyone be happy. I'd be worried about my partner either missing out on a huge aspect of life or doing something they never wanted to do. Huge potential to be a big regret either way

The shirt 🤣🤣🤣

we compatible

You have forgotten Love Styles and the love languages. These two aspects should also match.

You’re so beautiful! 🤩😍

can you please share the tee link?? im in love w it 😭😭😭

I asked why my ex can't treat me with respect, he just said he doesn't know how. Still makes me angry and confused. He just can't? Ok, this relationship was over before it started, because he just can't. Later he wrote a novel how it's my trust issues and I have impossible list of demands (like respect). Do I really? He never talked about his list of ideas what I should do, but judging his behavior: reading his mind, knowing everything he needs without saying, no communication about any issue because only bad people do that, i have to stop being too sensitive and take every bs in and keep it there, also I have to trust him even when he is obviously lying about everything. I think my list was pretty reasonable compared to his.

Zajebisty makeup 🙏🙏🙏

After several years of therapy, I have zero clue what my values are. I guess that means I’m in compatible with everyone.

You can’t “compromise” on having kids.

My potential partner’s music taste matters to me because there are a lot of songs, artists, and genres that bother me or don’t put me in a good mood.

Omg, where did you get that T-shirt from? I love it!

"Bella! Where the hell have you been LOCA?!" IM DYING

I'm ready to be called out.

the most important thing, if you re looking for compatibility, is Rh factor 🤣.

I love your enthusiasm. Your probably fresh out of school. It'll be interesting to see if your attitude towards the book knowledge changes as you become more experienced personally.

At this rate I'm never going to find anyone lmao

0:22 vampire confirmed

My bf is considering working in Japan after his Bachelor's. He will do a year abroad there before that, and wants to gauge then if he can see himself working and living there. I have ties to Korea a bit to Japan but we both are based in Germany. My main goal is to make my own living and have a family and close people that care about me but I am not sure if I would want that or can have that outside of Germany. Worried that I will feel very disconnected when relocating to somewhere enteirely different. He does say that nothing is set in stone yet and that I am important to him, but I constantly wonder whether this will end up being a deal breaker or not and whether it is wise to keep waiting 1 or 2 years until it might turn out to be a deal breaker.

Why is attraction not one of the qualities? It feels like a deliberate statement suggesting that attraction is not important in a relationship to exclude it.

Please cosplay Lenore from Castlevania Netflix!!

You are so beautiful, nice lecture☺️

I would be really interested in your opinion about the spiritual "leader" Teal Swan. Are her teachings potentially dangerous in your opinion? She comes off as quite narcissistic to me.