I was stuck in a 10 year marriage that was absolutely miserable. Finally, a pastor helped me realize that I was suffering from narcissistic abuse. I left and divorced him. Now I watch these educational channels to understand and process what exactly happened to me. Leaving him was the best decision ever!
God bless you! Churchy people made me more of a servant to his ways. I could speak long on this. They had no clue what he was. God did bring me through it all with lots of lessons learned 🙏 ❤ 🙏
Good for you! Was in a relationship once with a narcissist and understand the weight lifted when you finally leave. The best and most liberating thing you could ever have done for yourself. Dr Carter is by far the best I've heard to cover the subject. I'm learning alot watching his videos.
Any/every conversation is a trap waiting to be sprung. You either say the wrong thing; don't say the right thing; or, refuse to absorb your punishment silently ~ like a punching bag for their jabs. Its important to realize that all interactions are basically opportunities for them to top-up their fuel supply with: Stimulating anger-adrenalin / or a / Pacifying adulation-buzz. *Avoid "The Fray".*
When you look at the divisions in our society. Both sides claiming the other is So Narcissistic, it can obviously be confusing. At least with an individual, they can talk to others who have an outside perspective. The only way for society to have that is through knowledge of history through the ages
You have been reading my mail, I experience exactly the same thing in conversations with my wife. I approach any and all conversations with the upmost caution as one wrong word or expression will set off her nuclear option anger. It's as if she prides herself in her anger as if she is making a correction in my life. Her outside life with family members and associations with other people is very different than what happens at home when no one around. Anyway, you nailed it in what I experience as well.
Happened to me the other day. Just sitting there talking about something innocuous. I made one statement and he jumped on it to insult and belittle me. I said nothing and went up stairs to watch tv. A few minutes later he comes up and starts screaming and cussig me out. I guess it pissed him off that I wasn't going to sit there and be verbally bashed.
It would sound paranoid to anyone with healthy relationships but it is so accurate! I should tattoo your comment on my arm to remind me not to bother reaching out to my mother. It's always painful because that's her intention.
Narcissists will try and push your buttons and will go as far as they could to instigate you in order to make you react in a manner they can use against you and create a false narrative to make you look like the aggressor. They feed on your reactions.
@JL15545, Yep! saw it at work with this narcissistic manager and supervisor!! They can scream and yell and act the fool all day long and try to intimidate you if you don't go along with their wicked agenda and that is to harass, pick on and start fights with the other employees. They somewhat give you a pass if you are willing to deny your own feelings and self worth and do any and everything that they tell you to do no matter how unethical it is. I ended up having to leave that job about a year and a half ago, but I like to think that I am better off mentally because like someone said above it takes a toll on you after a while and I like to think that I am considered to be a very strong person. I just got tired of it and people were later telling me how a few others left after me as well!!
it's like being a human punching bag for all their demons that they project into your soul, they dump everything onto you and then expect you to smile and be happy, when you rebel it's you not them that's the crazy one.
OMG!! THIS! SOOO THIS!! This has been my sister for the last 60 years! I just made the decision to go NO CONTACT with her yesterday after nearly 60yrs of abuse!!
My narcissist family member thought I was going to their home for Thanksgiving so that I could be the main course. They planned on me being the roasted turkey and glazed ham so that they could slice, dice and devour me on Thanksgiving. However, I figured out their diabolical plans and refrained from going. No trap for me on turkey day!
Smart choice! I was not so lucky lol. Before thanksgiving I said I know this person is going to attack me heavily today, a person I once shared a strong friendship with. When I arrived they sent a relationship shattering attack at me! I think with the times we are living in, these narcissists are more fragile than ever here in 2023 and that’s why the attacks are intensifying so much.
My dad died 6 months ago and my narc mother has shown her true colors. She has excluded me from anything to do with my Dad and even lied about having a memorial. 50 years he took care of her and she cant show any respects and thinks Im crazy for being upset about it. She ghosted me this Thanksgiving and I am not surprised by her coldness.
OH, I'm so very sorry. That's just evil. But you know you have the support of every person on this thread her. I hope the healing will come sooner rather than later for you. Sending sympathy and love. BIg hugs.
Never wrestle with a pig because you'll only get dirty. Plus the pig likes it. It took me years for this penny to drop. Now it has, i feel im holding some seeious cards. A very clever quote from a very clever psychologist 😊
One I typically fell for: sensing anger, I would put myself between the narcissist and the object of anger, to diffuse and protect. Then I became the object instead of the calming influence.
You have such a wonderful way of articulating your experiences and this one in particular really hit home. In my situation, the narcissists were my father and oldest sister. I was a late-in-life baby born to an already dysfunctional family system. It was a survival tactic to learn how to read everyone’s emotions and anticipate their needs. As I got older, I spent a great deal of time and energy throwing myself under the bus to protect my family. It took me many decades to realize that it was never appreciated and that they actually enjoyed me being under the bus, so to speak. It think it was therapeutic for them because as long as they were deriding me, they didn’t have to look at their own failings. Thank you, Aaron, for helping me put this into words.
@@lacecurtainirish Wow, this one is already resonating, and I don’t even know if mine is one of the four. And that’s okay. What matters is we can now see abuse & dysfunction for what it really is, and have the ability to smile and walk away. It sure took me long enough to get here.
@@lacecurtainirish It is such an important turning point when you understand you have no obligation to be available to them for their chronic denial. They despise you anyway, so you may as well keep you distance and restore your life and sanity.
When narcissist anger is discussed I know I must look at this trait in myself. When I fully realized that I had spent decades with a mate and his family who were covertly and crazily trying to make sure I stayed in my lowly place every day of my life and then know it seriously damaged me, I become so angry i could chew nails. Mad at them and mad at myself. How could people be so ridiculous to use up precious life engergy this way? But I tell myself this anger that is eating me alive is also using precious life energy in a negative way. I must find Me again and try the radical acceptance thing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's very difficult esp with a mother like that and make you crazy one out in relatives and you have no sister you feel like an earth sqeezing on you.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm a bit further along in recovering from working for, then being entrapped by, a violent narcissist, so let me tell you how things have been since I got away. Having a token disability, Aspergers Syndrome, and having PTSD from abuse I suffered many years ago, the owner of a hobby shop was friendly and helpful at first as he learned my history of having PTSD, and why, as well as that token disability. Over time, he stopped paying me, started gaslighting me, became increasingly violent, to the point of waving knives in my face, controlling, even filled my head with ideas that because of that token disability the entire town fears me, and the cops want me dead, and since he is such good friend with the police chief (They know each other socially, at best, I later found, as this guy used to be a firefighter and knew the chief back when he was just a lieutenant), only he can keep me alive but with strict orders, enforced by his waving a knife around, not to talk to anyone or associate with anyone without his approval. I ended up having to put 12 hour days in to complete stuff for his customers, got assaulted twice for failing to meet frankly impossible deadlines, and not get a dime for any of it. Well, about a year ago, I decided enough was enough, I would take my chances and sever ties with the guy. It felt liberating, to say the least. Well now, I've completed a large project of my own, putting old style Christmas displays in downtown shop windows, featuring classic Lionel trains, and talking with all these shop owners, that narcisst is not looked upon favorably by anyone. I've finally done a project I have wanted to do for fifteen years or more, and staying true to my over the top personality, I even wear the full traditional engineer's overalls and uniform when out checking on the trains. It's over the top, in a fun way, but it's me. And it feels very, very good. Yeah, finding yourself again feels darn good.
My experience with a narcissist is that they throw everything at you to see what sticks. I have taken their negativity and channeled it into self improvement, besting them turning their lemons into lemonade.
Yeah, experiencing a severely abusive relationship and an extremely narcissistic mother, anger can come up out of nowhere. I've always been a meek, shy person who had never really experienced anger until I completely snapped from my abusive relationship. I can't tolerate abuse like I was able to before, and in some ways it's liberating to take control over your life for the first time but then comes an influx of all these emotions you buried deep down for so long. Sometimes I wish I could be that person I used to be, but in reality, I wasn't living. I was a puppet who feared the world. The anger that comes along with tolerating abusive people can take a toll on you. I say this as a person who's experiencing a rollercoaster of different emotions, anger being at the forefront. The anger isn't directed towards people who don't deserve it, but mainly towards my mother or people who've attempted to hurt me. Anger, hate, despair, uncertainty, fear- all strong emotions that need to be expressed in healthy ways. I hope you all can heal eventually and move on from this turmoil that these types of people cause. They feed off the strong emotions they invoke in us.
What helps me is to see how my life is going. While the narc is throwing tantrums, other people, myself included, quietly go about our lives. Us normal people just go on being productive, dealing with life and its uncertainty, and build a better future. We do not have time or the energy to waste our time with immature adults who act out as narcissists. Please stay strong. My heart goes out to you because I deal with similar stuff too. Things can get better.
Well said. The trapped anger makes me physically ill- with a shingles breakout. It got so bad that finally, when I broke contact, my wellness miraculously improved.
I love all your comments. I appreciate all of you for sharing and I will reply to everyone when I get a chance. Here is an additional part of my post (it's long, I'm sorry). Hopefully it will help someone feel a little understood and supported in a time of need: They will do anything to ruin your happiness. Whether they're conscious of doing it or not, they will not allow you to be content. I've tried hard to maintain a cool head, telling myself not to react but honestly 29 years of dealing with this chaotic lifestyle, I have no room to excuse their abuse. They could slap you across the face and then blame you for getting angry. "Why are you yelling? You have no reason to yell at me. I did nothing wrong. You have no right to be angry. You took me wrong. This is why no one wants to be around you." It's this kind of insidious behavior that keeps us bound to them, begging for their forgiveness just so we can have some resemblance of normalcy. In their minds, everyone else is to blame. They won't admit fault unless they have a motive. It shatters our sense of self. Just know you're not alone and tell yourself it's NORMAL to feel strong emotions when you're abused. Never allow anyone to tell you how to feel. What has kept me from leaving these people behind is the overwhelming guilt and pity I felt for them. I PITIED them because they're alone and unhappy, but I realized it wasn't my responsibility to be what they needed. My stubborn nature of not wanting to give up on people kept me in a dangerous cycle of abuse until it almost ended my life at the hands of my ex. I didn't want to admit to myself that I wasted time on people that never actually loved me. That I was nothing but a means to an end. You drift away from the people who actually cared about you because you're so hyper focused on gaining the affection from a narcissist. The highs of these toxic relationships are what we wait for. It isn't worth the pain. I know it is easier said than done, but please do everything to hold on and escape when you get the chance. Staying will only show them that no matter how they treat you, you will forgive them. They will take advantage of your empathy. Empathy is a beautiful thing to possess and it's what defines us as humans, don't let them weaponize it against you. It takes a very strong person to withstand narcissistic relationships, so be easy on yourself. Even if you find yourself relapsing and allowing them back into your life, just know that you're not weak. Breaking a trauma bond is extremely painful but you WILL break it. Even if it takes time. I hope everyone had a stress-free holiday. You are all beautiful souls.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY BEAUTIFUL FAMILY OF SURVIVORS!! I hope everyone enjoyed a wonderful day with family and friends that truly love them🦃🦃🦃🦃💜💜💜💜💜💜
Anger is a common ingredient when dealing with a narcissist. I have seen where a narcissist use anger as a form of cohersion and intimidation. The trick is how to channel this feeling to get out the narcissist's trap rather than feeling stuck ?
It is the injustice of a lifetime of abuse denied forever by the perpetrator(s) and blamed on the victim: you. My mother is the number one trigger in my life. She is a monster who gets gleeful when she upsets me. She is insane and stupid and cruel. It is so hard to want love from someone so remorselessly vile toward me. I wish I could escape. I feel your pain. It’s not like I can get a new mother. Life is unjust af when you have an NPD mom and are the scapegoat in a toxic family. Ok, I can go no contact but then I have no family. It is so obviously wrong how they are to me but NONE of them will ever break the false narrative that I am the bad guy - even when my stepdad molested and choked me and then told me I was crazy and it was my dead father. None of them have any shame. They’re all insane. It is sooooo horrible and sad. Anger is a form of protection in my opinion here. Like an abused dog barking, I raise my voice as high as I can and I just wish she would stop abusing me, but she never ever will care at all how much she hurts me. It’s horrifying. I had a nightmare that I was slapping her back and forth across the face as hard as I could but she just wouldn’t stop saying nasty things to me. She was absolutely unfazed by the brutality of my hand hitting her. It was terrifying. It showed me who she is: a totally unchangeable shameless monster. P.S. I am not a violent person in waking life. It was a metaphor for all my yelling at her. It was my unconscious trying to tell me how pointless it is. But it is never going to stop being sooooo frustrating. It is so horrifying to have to deal with a gaslighting, hoovering mother who can’t even feel love or she’d never treat me how she does but I have to keep hearing how great she is and how much I suck until she dies. It’s so terribly sad.
@@mystivixen5038Speaking from experience...it's better to have no family than staying with a Narcissistic mother. She will get worst & your mental & physical health will get worse too. I know it's painful, but it's more painful to be the scapegoat child to a Narcissistic mother who is self destruction. I stayed to the end and it didn't end well for me! Get out if you can or go low contact. At the end, you see just how horrible and evil they are...there is nothing but hate & anger in them.
Thank you sir. I’ve been married to my wife for 16yrs and have experienced all of these situations. I’ve ended up defending and justifying things I have never had to defend before. 1000’s of times. I’m gaining strength and plan on divorcing her soon. Nearing retirement age it’s extremely difficult for me. It is going to cost me dearly and I may never be able to retire. It’s a terrible place to be in and even worse timing. 😢
I just want to send you a virtual hug in support of where you find yourself. That’s where I’m at too. Of course it’s not easy and it’s hard not to feel angry about dealing with this at a time when life should be getting easier. However, I promise you that you will ultimately feel a sense of peace at being able to be your true authentic self, instead of constantly having to focus on what your wife is feeling. It takes a while to find yourself again, so take good care of you on this journey ☺️
Been there, done that. The ex made sure to force me to spend thousands in legal fees, then alienated me from my adopted step daughter, who has not had a single conversation with me in 4.5 years. Good luck to you!
@@michaelfox9750 Thanks. I’m surprised at how much this helps…sharing with others that understand. It’s nearly impossible to describe to friends without sounding like a babbling crybaby.
I advise squirelling away cash and bullion as you prepare, shore yourself up even just a little extra for when you reach the other side. Best of luck my guy.
I was so angry & constantly irritated for years. I finally found out what I've been dealing with & I'm still always learning. I need to watch this video at least once a week to remind me, it's not me! It's kept me from focusing on myself & what I can do to stay on team healthy. His emotions & ego are not my responsibility. He trained me to beat myself up, so that his voice is always in my head, along side my mothers. Knowledge is power, I'm aware of what's going on now. Thank you for videos like these that are so useful to me.
@@lacecurtainirish Years ago my SIL asked me if I ever experienced my brother when he is angry. I don't think I had a reply. I didn't ask for detail. I have seen her anger. Now, I think if he scared you?! I actually feel that I could start looking into memory recovery. He may think he has had his rule over me because I recall his anger!
You cannot untwist a narcissist twisted mind. When they have been caught in a lie they turn negative very quickly. Then call you the most negative person they ever met. Brilliant.
It seems like you're describing my mother each time you share information. Living with a narcissist is a no-win situation and when you're a small child you don't understand why you're being treated so badly when all you want is a little love from someone who isn't capable of loving. My mother was a very unhappy, bitter, angry, and mean person to everyone except my younger sister who seems to be very much like my mother, and several years ago my youngest sister started displaying those nasty, cutting, and unkind characteristics. Looking back, she always did display some of those characteristics as a child and now that she's in her 60s it's in full display. My family was so dysfunctional and it seemed the only way to get away was to walk out of the house and never return. My oldest brother also left and never returned. Now, years later, I realize both he and I didn't just leave, we ran for our lives. He was so abused as a child as was my youngest brother. I think my mother particularly hated men because she was very physically abusive to my brothers; she was verbally very abusive to me and blamed me for everything that was "wrong" in her life. She never ever took responsibility for anything; it was always, and I mean always, my fault. It's sad when all children want is a little love and caring from the very person who should be giving it. The only love any of us received was from each other and it seemed it mostly came from me. I sometimes think that was the reason I was placed on this earth; simply to give some love and kindness where there is little. It takes so much energy to be mean and unkind; it's so much easier to be kind and caring, in my opinion, but I also know narcissistic people have no capacity for love or caring, even for themselves.
It took me a long time to figure out that my mother was wrong when she gaslighted me into believing I didn't know what love was. (She essentially made me responsible for her happiness, and I frequently failed at it.) But it turned out that between me and her, I was the only one who knew what love was. I figured it out later in life when I learned that self-love included treating myself as both the loving parent I needed in earlier years as well as the vulnerable child I was in earlier years who needed that love. I said all that to say this, that I hope you can gain tremendous healing from loving yourself the way you didn't have growing up. Your kindness shows that you share love where it is needed by others, so I hope you also save some just for yourself. I think you are inherently a good person and deserve all the love and healing you need and want, now and always. I really do hope you take good care of yourself and that by doing so your life keeps getting better and better. 🙏
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you. I am trying to learn that I deserve to love myself, but when all your young life you're told you're worthless and not going to amount to anything and then you're married to someone who does not value you as a wife or a person, it takes some time to get beyond all that. It's just recently, since I found Dr. C that I realized my mother was a narcissist as well as being diagnosed with mental health issues. I did my best as a child, teenager, and young adult and now I'm trying to be a better person in my later years. Thank you for your understanding and kind words. I wish you well.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you! I am a work in progress in learning to love myself. I am proud of the person I am and who I've become over the years so I guess I'm at least heading in the right direction. I appreciate your encouragement to learn to love myself and will continue to work toward that goal. I thank you for what you shared and will try to remember to give myself some of the love I give others and I will try to do a good job of taking are of myself. I wish you all the best in the world and thank you again for your encouragement.
60 years being around narc mother until her death. She set many traps over those years. Never said she was sorry for anything ever. I asked her calmly why she never said she was sorry after my father died. She had the strangest look on her face and stared strangely into space not ever answering or saying a thing. Like she was possessed. Uncomfortable to say the least. Creepy.
Honestly the biggest "trap" (I'm not sure if they're doing it intentionally) I feel like I consistently encounter is it's almost like they have a script they expect me to say. And since I'm not a mind-reader I never get it right no matter what I do so I'm always left feeling guilty, disappointed, and ashamed since they are at least in name my parents. My therapist says that they have trouble with the concept of "other minds," which seems to be the core of narcissism - thinking that the world does or should revolve around you.
Yes! You’re the first person I’ve seen say this. I always said to him that he’s always trying to “script “my responses- I used the exact same terminology. He would say how I should have responded to him. They try to control everything and everyone in their environment.
I used to fall for the over justification trap when I argued with one user on some website, who claims to be a “nice guy” on his profile. He would usually ramble about how “sorry” his behavior was in his journal, mentioning their usernames to get them to unblock him. When I called him out on it, he would play dumb and deny everything, even with irrefutable evidence. I made a mistake of trying to explain everything to him, and that was the trap I fell into. Luckily, I had him blocked and I no longer fall into any of his traps. Narcissists do not care for the truth.
Even a "person of peace" trapped in the pathological environment of the collective unconscience, the wayward zeitgeist of these times, may often be targeted as "the problem"--- the "scapegoat" --- the "terrorist" --- the "insurrectionist", etc.
A good tactic being used on me is wishing a happy holiday, happy birthday etc, while never addressing what I confronted them with months ago and clearly hasnt been resolved. So now I can do one of 2 things… 1, i can respond with the same cheery platitude gritting my teeth about how my feelings were dismissed or 2, I can ignore the text or say something like “im ready to talk when you are” which will both results in me appearing insensitive and petty. Its the narcissists double edged sword.
So grateful that you provide this service FREE to us here. Learning and healing from years of this conditioning thanks to you! God Bless you and your wonderful gift to this world!! xo
Yes, thank you, Dr C and Team Healthy! You're one of the things I am most grateful 🙏 for this Thanksgiving! And Gus too! ❤️ I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday weekend holiday weekend 😊 😊😊😊😊 12:32
I fell for all of these as I had no idea what I was dealing with. Very well put to say we allowed our emotional pace to be guided by the narcissist. I became defensive and I reacted. Then it was my fault always for being angry. Thank you for all you do!
Y-day my covert narcissistic mother, who'd been giving the silent treatment for the past two months (which I thoroughly enjoyed, not going to lie), decided to re-establish contact with me in a typical for her manipulative way by sending me a picture of flowers, to which I calmly responded that even though I do not speak Flowers, I am here to listen to what she has to say. 😆In the conversation that unfolded she played all of her best hits, including "It was you who caused the conflict," "I did not mean it that way," and last but not least "I am such a bad mother, I am ashamed of myself, and also I am the biggest victim in the world, don't you see? You have to help me be better." None of her tactics surprised me but what really surprised me was how FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I was completely unbothered by her behaviour. I just kept hearing Dr Carter's voice in my head saying calmly, "That is how you think, isn't it," "Exhibit A", "I can see through you, and I don't want to be like you", "Dignity. Respect. Civility", "Those are the choices you make, and I have nothing to do with them," "Those are your priorities - they aren't mine," etc. 🧘🏻♀ I am proud to say that I didn't take her bate once. I respectfully stated my position in the conflict one time and did not feel the need to defend it or attack her position. I let her say her piece and I said mine, without aiming to convince her. I stated my conditions for further contact with dignity and not as subject to her approval. And the conversation went fine! NEVER before had I handled my volatile mother in such a calm and safe way. Thank you, Dr Carter, for the education that you provide here on RU-vid. Your method really works! I've also read your book "The Anger Trap" and I cannot praise it enough. Your Southern voice is always in my head, like a loving parent that I've never had. I am so grateful to you, and I wish that your kindness returns to you a hundredfold.
I pray one day to get to where you are!!! . I’m trying so hard. Would you say the book was your biggest help ? I recently found and watch dr carters videos all the time now. I love him-it’s almost like he’s speaking about my life …But I have such turmoil inside of me I’m trying so hard to get free of it. For me it’s both my parents and they’re different types of narcissists …one controls the other like a fine surgeon controlling his scalpel. I just want peace and to be free of the guilt, anger, sadness all of it. I have a beautiful family-amazing hubs and great kids…but the insanity they bring to my life takes up so much real estate inside my head and heart.
You did great 😊 Very well done! ❤ Thanksgiving was the typical chaos. My mother purposely had dinner ready as my son was walking out the door for work. I lost my appetite and did not join. Now I am waiting for her to pounce on me. Shes been silent but raging to the rest of the family, dumping on them, priming them to attack me, for her own sicks needs. I am ready to buy a van to live in to get out. Its insanity.
Hi Doc. I have trouble with anger so i need this one! Narcs are pests that love to push buttons. I'm working with God to overcome my problems so i can cope with her as my neighbour.
This explains why many victims feels as if they are the narcissistic. As well as victims who are actively trying to heal.... feeling as if... maybe the narc is right! Please stay on your journey! If you feel into a trap see it for what it was and dust yourself off and continue your healing journey. KEEP MAKING PROGRESS.
This is literally why I came in search of this video tonight, because I was wondering if I'm a narcissist! Watching this video tonight has really helped explain what traps I've found myself in since childhood that I just thought were games everyone's family played and that's just how family relationships worked. I got confused and even put off when presented with a healthy dynamic for a long time. This video helped me understand in a different way WHY I felt like I was "bad" at relationships. Turns out I'm not. It was a made-up accusation.
My 2 older sisters were my narcissist’s, in the past 4 years they both died but not before I finally saw them for who they were. I didn’t even know what the word narcissist meant till I finally saw the truth. I don’t care because my kindness and efforts are who I am, what they did is what they were. So good night Irene, lol! My husband was the one who pointed out a few things about the wicked witches and when I acted on it they blamed him, how horrible he is, lol! Nope he’s the best thing that ever happened to me! Jealousy is so ugly! I lived the true Cinderella story.
I feeling like I'm walking into the lions den today. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm going to take your advice, just in case. Thanks Dr. C! God Bless you and your family!
I've been separated from my narcissistic husband for nine years, but I wish I'd divorced him years ago instead because he is still giving me a headache with his ridiculous reasoning; It's like banging one's head against a brick wall.
Thank you for this brilliant video dr Carter❤. Everybody should self-regulate. The narcisists anger, immaturity, dysfunction and lack of self-regulation is NOT our responsibility. Let us walk away from the people who behave in abusive, manipulative and evil ways. God bless you❤
I have made decades of mistakes trying just about anything to connect to my narcissist without success. I have behaved badly far too often struggling to bring out something good...which of course.. it did NOT. It only added another nail to my poor self image and brought about the need for me to ask for forgiveness. It became about 'my behavior' instead of his. I didn't know what I was dealing with all of those years! Passive aggressive covert narcissist. I trusted. I loved. I sacrificed. I gave. I still love but I am learning to protect myself now. I am learning to control my own behaviors and words. I am learning to take positive actions by going alone and being around healthy people who allow me to be myself. Thank you Dr C and others for helping point the way. It still seems almost unbelievable understanding the truth and realizing how much of our history together was a lie. But for my part, it was truth... as much as I understood anything.
Yes to the counter control with one thing in mind; to protect myself. I no longer overjustify, overexplain, defend etc. Happy Thanksgiving , I’m so thankful for your channel Dr. Carter and for sharing your wisdom with us🙏🏼🦃💕
Thank you Dr Carter. It’s Thanksgiving day, family coming to our house. My husband of 44 yrs is currently working the room and being snarky with me. 5 mins ago he “Thanked” me for my efforts this day, in front of his audience. I have now escaped into my bathroom to decompress and quiet time. YOU ARE MY QUIET TIME guy that helps get me get recentered. The day is getting geared up and I’m focused on my family that values me. Thank you for always having the right things to say. ❤
@@Texas_Made_I disagree. I've been there. It's a trap. No matter how calmly you state your objections, they will turn it around. You are being uptight, over sensitive, trying to cause drama, can't take a joke, etc. We were with his family every holiday. You won't get any sympathy or understanding because they're either flying monkeys or they know him well enough that they won't rock the boat. It's best to act like it doesn't bother you because then it'll most likely stop. Only you know own situation though, so weigh your options & have a game plan for next time. Once you've had a long ride home being berated for "making him look like an ass" you'll know there's no winning anyway. You can't win, so don't play.
@@sahdogwrangler5594I agree with you 💯!! It doesn't do any good whatsoever to fight back & "demand respect" from your spouse who's a narcissist. I have found (after 25 years of him letting his mask slip - the 1st 3 were good years) that all you can do is shoot them a look & walk away; or, tell them "I can't help how you 'feel' (with finger quotes around "feel") & then walk away; or, tell them "I can't help that you 'think' that / that way", & walk away -- things along those lines. But *ALWAYS* walk away & disengage. That way you've stated that they're acting like a petulant child, that they've taken the situation wrong, or that what they're "thinking" about the situation is incorrect. This is what Dr. C has taught me & it *works* ! No, it doesn't stop them from being a narcissist & throwing their temper-trantrums, but it keeps *You* from expending all of your energy trying to get them to see the light that what you said or did (or didn't do or say) was *NOT* meant the way that they took it.
Better to be aggressive than passive-aggressive. Are you good with wit / humor? Snappy comebacks in front of the guests might force a reveal. Either way it's ABUSE. Blessings.
Yes, they will praise you and hold you in high regard in front of others. It's really about getting praised themselves for being a loving and attentive spouse. It's all about them. Wishing you well. Thankfully mine left me after 10 years.
He even admits it is MY job to maintain his mood, his emotions. It really is sickening. I have to keep repeating to myself that it isn't my job to maintain his emotions.
I work with a Narc. Yesterday, he tried to interrogate me. I avoided conflict when he got mad. He said to leave and sit down. So I did to avoid coflict. He then stood in front of me and tried to play psychologist on me. He asked me if I thought I was perfect. I said nothing. He said he was not and I thought I was. I have never said I am perfect but said nothing. I knew what was right and I was not going to cast pearls before swine. He then asked me if I could admit I was wrong. I said nothing knowing that I have always said that I can mess up and all I do is figure out how I went wrong and how to fix it in the future. He kept going on and I said that I refuse to be interrogated. He said he was just asking questions. I kept saying that I refuse to be interrogated. It went on like that for about 5 minutes. He eventually left. As this happened, I thought about your video on the 5 levels of cognitive development and how narcs do not achieve levels 4 and 5. Thanks for posting that video. It helped me greatly in a moment of stress. It really helped for me to apply what you taught in that video. I said nothing of course, just thought it.
Getting you to sit down in front of him made him physically higher than you and you in a subordinate position. If it happens again say you're ok standing thank you....@@cassiebennet4262
Just... wow! It sounded like he was in dire need of narcissistic supply and was throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick! He was probing in desperation! I applaud your standing your ground without showing him what he was hoping to get from you. Maybe now he will remember you as a resistant target and leave you alone.
@@cassiebennet4262Thanks for the info. I never thought of that. It makes sense. It is always cool to learn new things that I never would have otherwise.
I found you lately after dealing all my life with narcissism and listening to a lot of RU-vidrs, some narcissist themselves... Your videos are the best I've come across. you sound so sane, it's honestly refreshing. Thank you ❤
You are so right Dr. C. All four angry traps almost everyday. My inner self constantly judges itself unnecessarily and off into negativity we go. This is a game I don't want to play. I am always the issue or problem. Thanks for lending a hand to lift me out of this hole. I may not get out but at least I might understand what happened. I hope you and your family, including Gus, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. 💛💛🦃🦃
Yes, Robbie, the inner critic is the worst for it has become such a negative habit, created over decades of abuse and which puts you in this negative, dysfunctional cycle. It eats up so much energy from within and it is indeed so unnecessary for it keeps us stuck - to show and live a life who we really are. Sending you all the 🌠🌠🌠 stars from heaven to lighten up your inner space 🤗 P.S.: I like your pictures ☀️☀️☀️
Lately I've been going cold, blank, unreceptive and emotionless towards all the crap throw at me. I just light a cigarette and think of Bryan Ferry when the other half goes off..
That you are terribly flawed and you should second guess yourself to the point that you can't express yourself. They have all the ammunition your doubts and fears perpetuate. When a child is born, it cries to clear it's airways. It feels the strangeness of a new world around them. She sees, she hears and experiences things differently than when she was sheltered. She has somebody who will hold her, feed her, take care of her. If she is devoid of that loving presence then the world is a place not to trust. We aren't dependent any longer. Step out of that place! What do you need from those who would hold you back?
Thank you doctor. I really have to think one step ahead with these people and sometimes they even win and I think: what could I have done to prevent this? I fell into the trap again. Because sometimes the only way to win is to not to engage with them at all.
1. Fight 2. Flight 3. Freeze 4. Fawn 1. You fight back with the result that you yourself will get angry and because of the uncontrolled emotions you will find yourself in an ongoing argument for the Narcissist is getting supply and will therefore be satisfied by your intense emotional reactions. The trap is that you will get more and more exhausted and dissatisfied because there is no solution possible. 2. You escape the anger and run away from the situation because it feels too dangerous. The trap is that you will avoid also other situations more frequently instead of solving problems and you might ruminate too much. 3. You will feel so deeply threatened that your body will freeze by the anger so that you will not be able to moove or act against this harassment. Narcissists like you seeing in fear for they think that they win. The trap is that you will easily feel stuck in other situations and decision making will be much more difficult. 4. Fawn is activated in you when you want to avoid conflict through pleasing the Narcissist. You will make yourself smaller and the Narcissist likes to see you in an inferior role. The trap is that you might become a peoplepleaser and lose your own identity.
There are so many nuggets here, that I find myself saving all of your videos and replaying them, utilizing them as a reference tools. Every time I am put in a position where I have to engage with one of these toxic individuals. Another critical and timely post. Thanks, Doctor C.
Holidays with a narc are like eating glass. Spent 3 days baking pies, dressing , two turkeys, casserole and mashed potatoes, he found something wrong with every dish. He didn't like the celery in the dressing, he didn't like the potatoes, he didn't like the serving dishes. OMG....up with the GOTCHA game. His goal to make my day as miserable as possible.
Say nothing in response. If he is moaning walk away. Or you could try to be positive to every negative. For example when he says he hates the celery in the dressing say "I'm glad you feel that way. It is great isn't it". Or when he says the turkey isn't good you could say "thank you for the comment I'll remember that for next time", which deflects as there is obviously no "next time". You can also try telling him to text you with his suggestions for improvements for the things he is criticising, say "could you text me that, I don't have the time right now". At which point you walk out of the room. Then if he texts you reply "ok" to the first one and delete and ignore any after that. If you can avoid engaging with their first comment you can avoid most of their time wasting venting.
I wonder is that why my husband used to ruin all birthdays and holidays, misery loves company, he wasn't happy so he had to ruin happy occasions for others.
The main takeaway from all of this is DO NOT REACT to ANYTHING they throw at you.. Going Grey Rock is not just about keeping your distance, it’s about saving your sanity. Good to know about all these traps. The point at which you begin to feel dysregulated by something they do, is the cue to go Grey Rock. Listen to your body.
I have fallen into all of these traps in the past. No more! One narc is out of my life, the other I have very limited contact. I'm no longer interested in feeding her disregulation, and I'm no longer interested in defending myself.
Dear Dr Carter thank you ever so much for yet another important lesson ! Needless to say, you and Dr Ramani have become " Dad and Mum " on the other side of the ocean, daily I listen to your sage guidance into sanity. May you be well and safe and happy as possible always.
You describe it exactly as it was in my marriage but there was no way I could be or say or ask for respect dignity or civility…. he would ridicule and scorn me or become very angry. I have been divorced for over a year but struggle to find my true self after 25 years it will perhaps never be? But I will try and love, to live a life in peace ❤ thank you
@saltlightandjoyministries4138, Amen! because I sure do need it!! Years of it from family members and then this crazy loud screaming manager and supervisor I had on my last job which caused me and others to have to leave our job because they would not stop with the harassment and bullying of employees who would refuse to go along with their evil plan of telling on and harassing other employees!! They were pure diabolical in their behaviors!! It wasn't worth my peace of mind and sanity!!
What's going to happen next..that pretty much sums up having to be with narcissists. We are working on being in a relationship, they are into nothing but destruction. On this wonderful Thanksgiving day of 2023, be good to yourself by avoiding them as much as possible. Enjoy this day giving thanks😊
My brother and sister laid out my trap……I asked about my inheritance ( they stole it from me after our parents died ). No one has spoken to me since….that was about 6 years ago…that was a pretty big trap…Dr Les I am still trying to get better……..it’s really hard….my whole family hates me……Christmas is coming…..so depressing….i really want to be a person at peace…….I’ll keep trying and watching these videos …Thankyou so much….
They are your biological brother and sister? I just have a hard time believing your own biological relatives can do this… anyway, take care and all the best.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody from California. Exactly Dr. Carter. Sometimes I have to catch myself before I fall into that trap. They take no responsibility for anything. They think like a two year old and I have no children so I don't play the game. Thank you Dr. Carter and Team Healthy.
With my (NOW-EX!) home care clients: ALL of the above. Man, am I glad I'm not working for those 2 lunatics anymore. I have enough problems in my neighborhood with completely-brainless people (like the one who broke branches off my carefully-trimmed pine trees to use as Christmas decorations on his porch-- just 2 doors away-- I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP).
Today's episode has given me a lot of wisdom as to how to react.. or NOT react. I've heard all these examples that you've given and not known how to respond. Thank you, Dr. C.
Dr C, I had to stop the video at one point as this brought me to tears. This has been my life with my husband for many, many years. I have fallen into the trap so many times. It definitely brought out the worst in me which has been extremely distressing. I end up berating myself and wonder how a disagreement could escalate to such a degree. I would also wonder why this didn't happen in other relationships, only with my husband. I have so much to learn and your videos bring great insights. Thank You.
The trap is them getting you to doubt who you are because of the way you react to them. But know that is a trick they pull on you. You don't have to agree with what they think or say about you!!!! Don't take on their perceptions.
I fall into the trap of trying to prove myself. I will show facts and I am still lying in their mind. High defense mode is where I am continuously. I need to get therapy because of her delusions.
Showing the facts works with healthier-minded people who value the truth and the relationship you share. Holding fast to your own truth is always necessary when you can't avoid narcissists. Dr. Carter once described narcissists as living in their own "alternate reality". A narcissist will try to get you to share in that fake reality, and they will find ways to "punish" you when you won't do it. You're not the one who is crazy. Let a narcissist's behavior be a statement only on the narcissist's behalf. You won't change a narcissist, but you can certainly separate yourself psychologically from one and live better as a result.
Dang! He used all 4 traps on me. For 12/14 years I was unaware of narcissism & fell for the third trap. When his alcoholism & abuse reached its peak during the last 2 years, is when I finally woke up.
Your very first line in this video is the reason I subscribe and keep coming back. A lot of other channels focus so heavily on vilifying the narcissist, that it’s almost ironic, giving them all the focus. I’m not interested in bad mouthing anyone else, I want to know how to work through this.
Dr. Les Carter, this is extremely important to know in every situation with them. I must say, in my experience, it’s when we seen or unseen do not allow ourselves to absorb any of their own thoughts, feelings and/or emotions they project plus whatever they attempt to be unaccounted for that they want us to hold for them. 💜🙏💜🕊️😮💨
All 4 are spot on. I will need to come back and see again this video. As many other videos of yours, truly healthy training. Thank you !!!!! I'd like to give my testimony about one point. For a while I have been learning to apply the non-defense. It's not always easy to do and I still fall for it sometimes, but I must say that in my case it works in a very good way, not only for saving energy but because my narcissists always responded much harder by attacking each of my defensive words, so they became increasingly stronger and stronger with *other* new accusations (pulling out random facts from my whole life ). That's why my defense used to be their strength to sink the blade deeper into my flesh. When I avoid any defense - or when I stop myself at my very first words - they can no longer do their game. *Edit* By the way, in case I needed more validation that they really are narcissists with personality disorder... Now I have all the confirmations because the methods taught by psychologists work. I mean, the methods help us not to get catch into the narcissists' game. (I don't mean that they become agreeable or civil... Alas Nope 😑 Not at all)
Kris, my narcissistic husband believes God is going to bless his life, because he is "the victim" in our toxic marriage. I know he will reap what he sows one day, even though I may not be around to see it. I tossed the idea around that maybe his cruelty was not intentional, because what kind of Christian man could be so evil on purpose? My pastor told me to pray for him and that is helping me heal. Thank you for this video! Ive listened to it over and over! It's very comforting to know God gives all of us so many chances to repent and i hope my husband's eyes will open one day. You are a blessing to all of us who are going through such a painful divorce to a narcissist. ❤
Yep evil narc thought God would forgive him for the damage he causes others. No prayer, no saying sorry, just pretending he's good by going to church occasionally! At the same time insisting he's going to hell at death cos of shame! Demonic entities, word salad gave me a heart attack! and more. Leave these miserable babies to they're own darkness. Never have any contact! I'd rather converse in sign language with a gnat! Love to all narc survivors and don't let they're diabolical behaviour define you!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I have to learn to live without my son's mother, again. After about 12 years we gave it a shot again. I never stopped loving her. Needless to say it didn't work out again. I literally am dying inside everyday. I appreciate these vids. I'll never stop loving her. God willing we can be at peace one day forever. I'll never give up on her. Love is real, pain isn't forever. Thanks Doc.
The happiest day of my life was when I realized I did not love him anymore, I was finally able to leave without guilt, sadness, or fear of returning. Even so, I was willing to make up later to spare kids pain over our divorce. Thank God it didn't happen. But now I deal with our son, who is worse, it seems, than he ever was.
You described my family perfectly. Im finally recognizing all this. I now don't respond or just say something neutral. Noticed this really bothers them
Even conversation via text...boy, I can always tell when my mother is starting to go there. It switches from sweet pleasentries to projection by way of competition and defensiveness.
