5 Reasons Why The Dismissive Avoidant Doesn't Appreciate You & What To Do! | Dismissive Avoidants 

So true and I have found nothing of no success with these people I have tried it all and what I have learned from watching you and other great people is that when they don't change its time to go halaluia.

It 100% makes sense. Even when the verbal contract to change is agreed upon, I feel like for the DA it’s just another obstacle to clear out of their way. What I mean is to get over the anxiety of talking about issues that are too sensitive for them they will just agree. And boy can they hold onto resentment when they don’t talk but can be easily seen for what their intentions are just by their lack of sharing. And they pride themselves on not talking or being meticulous in their word choice so that their intentions aren’t found out because secretly they have some shame about it.

I remember feeling like he thought I was “crazy” for talking about needs/feelings. They make you feel like you’re too much or “crazy” for just talking about normal healthy relationship topics

You over analyze and over think things. Ah yes; all so familiar. Please don’t take this gaslighting as truth. Sure if you are anxious we may do that but it doesn’t mean you are in the wrong and depending on the situation; you may have every right or reason to be. It’s interesting when I caught him with saved pics on his phone from an LO ( unrequited love) and despite his lies; choppy disorganized and extremely vague details of the events of his flirtation; and a few inappropriate texts that I’m over analyzing- it didn’t mean much or anything to him. Right. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Not forthcoming with much information would leave the most secure analyzing and over thinking but it’s me that has the problem. 🤦🏼‍♀️Interesting 🤨 how he hates questions and even 1 question; about anything; he found so intrusive. I guess if you have a lot to hide ; then the other partner is over thinking or analyzing. 🤦🏼‍♀️ He can’t have difficult conversations; about anything. Evades; avoids; and gets overwhelmed. They do get overwhelmed with that because it’s so revealing and my DA has never been seen or heard by his parents or ex’s. Everything is secret; and hidden or private. Or when we agreed on two expensive purchases on this one kind of item; and within a few months; behind my back; no mention of it; purchased several more. We agreed to two; he now has 7. These items are about $2,000 each. Hasn’t even used one yet. Yet we have many rooms that need finishing in our home and; we have been needing a vacation and repairs; many things as we had so many expensive things break down and need replacing over last few years. All I can say is once I started focusing more on me rather than him or us; things began to get clearer. While I logically understand his attachment style from becoming a student of all of this; it doesn’t mean he gets to continue being untrustworthy. I did so much work over the years since the emotional betrayal; and healing myself I understand that this isn’t something that will work for me anymore. He has changed some of his ways; he started paying for many things; spending some time together; but this strong DA style is really tough for me despite being close to secure. I need trust and connection. I need a grown up relationship where two people are meeting each other. I have raised 5 kids. I don’t want to have to hold his hand and teach him anymore. I’m tired. I don’t want to feel like we are in a high school relationship.

@@mdmcpherson8574 Exactly! There’s so little said when we meet,leaves you second guessing and that obviously triggers your AP. I think they should just be in a relationship with themselves. World order will be restored

@@UnacceptableTee their behavior and lack of communication leaves you no choice but to over whatever.. I’m sorry you have to go through what you are going through. I think a relationship with a DA makes you feel very lonely and drained. I get what you’re talking about

I think it would help if you didn’t say things like “you should…”. Defenses and triggering usually happen immediately with those kind of statements. Most of the comments I see from APs complaining about DAs never take into consideration their own actions or style of approach. I doubt self-righteousness (something I struggle with a lot as an FA) is going to make a DA feel safe enough to open up. Just saying…

I love this comparison ❤

Kitties are avoidants too lol

I have a good friend who is a DA. He reminds me very much of a cat... I've always been good with cats

I have often thought how my DA behaves like my cats and that's why I can understand him! 😂

@@angelam.e.richardson3501 And mine reminds me of my reptiles, just wants to be continually enabled to explore, has no interest in intimacy and is always eyes forward onto the next thing ;D

Same. There's just no other way.

Same! I gave and gave and it was never appreciated. And I got nothing back in return.

If I provide any words of affirmation I just keep getting told not everything needs to be said. That I care “too much.” That he doesn’t need to hear it.

Respect to you for on and off for 10 years. I had to walk away after 18-24 months. I hope your Self Esteeem and Self Worth is okay. Walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done but .. losing my mind because of a DA was not worth it. All the best to you and just be careful you don't forget who you are inside and heal

I was just ghosted for a month and had to be the one to reach out and use a script Thais said about wanting closure for myself. I asked to get my belongings today. I think he would have just ghosted indefinitely.

The solution is never in not asking for anything… That leaves you without nurturing and having your needs met and probably resentful. The solution is to ask for what you need! And those who can’t, will filter themselves out and leave. And no, your needs are not too much. And you’re not too much. It’s only your script/story… The one that makes you abandon yourself and your needs in the first place, thus ending up with people who can’t/won’t meet them.

Lynn; this was me. Cost me my health and my self esteem. I Didn’t bother him; tried to meet all of his needs; and he would happily take and take ; but would push emotional ones away after saying he wanted them. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t get any need met; didn’t ask nor expect; but that’s how I was raised. Very quickly ; after betrayals; I got to the point I can’t do this push pull thing; and I stopped being anxious and self soothed myself; well because he won’t give it; He stonewalls. Overtime; not seeing work on his part and me doing all the work; I just radically accepted where he’s at; and started focusing on me. Best thing I did. I continued to grow and heal; and he didn’t budge emotionally. I started realizing I’m not attracted to many of the things that I was attracted to. I see why I was now and it stems from childhood. I’m still attracted to some things; he’s very sweet and has changed a lot but the emotional connection he won’t totally allow with me; brings his betrayals. I’m getting stronger as time passes and I can’t go back. He’s in therapy again; says he wants to find out who he is. I wish him so much love and support; as I continue on my path. I’m honest and open with him and how I’m needing connection and trust and safety in a relationship and that’s really all I’m interested in. We are coming up to 10 years. I was so glad to hear you are healing yourself and not worrying about him. You are soooo worthy. 🙌🏻❤️💞❤️

Well thats your mistake… you have to be able to ASK FOR ANYTHING. Your needs to be met! We all have them and its normal, DAs just make you feel like you’re always asking for too much. And when they mould you(you mould yourself actually) into this “perfect” person that dont need anything, that keeps quiet, doesnt take space, doesnt have a voice, trust me, it doesnt make them love or respect you more. You just gave them permission to walk all over you. I used to be like that too, and once I learned to ask for what I want and behave like a high value confident woman, thats when my DA finally started appreciating me. Dont be afraid to be “difficult” or “bad” or “high maintenance” trust me, men in general will always appreciate more the things they have to work for!!!

Tbh there's ALWAYS something they're worried about. If it's not one thing its another they will always find another reason to justify their withdrawal

Thank you for sharing

You need to teach a course lol

Same. It's spooky the radar they have when your focus is elsewhere

This one here !! Yasss! I feel you! My DA same thing!!

Absolutely can confirm the last part. When I finally had enough and went NC with my DA of 7 months and began dating a different girl whom she heard about from a my friend who lived in the same apartment complex as her, she all of a sudden started "checking up" on me on social media, calling me. When I saw her two months after NC she was full on "Do you still have feelings for me" then called me consistently... and then it all dropped off again. DA's are like cats playing with a ball of yarn. Once they get it, they lose interest.

For some of you, it might be a loss of interest, but for those who were potentially in genuine relationships, it’s your lack of independence. That’s the problem. It’s not that you’re giving them space it’s that you’re giving them space but they can still feel the focus on them. Weirdly enough part of what you have to do is just live your life and things should be relatively fine

@@justinrivera1618 you are talking from your own perspective. You have no idea what I’m talking about if your answer is “live your life” you clearly are clueless.

Leave ❤

And yet they always want to be in one. I wish they would just be alone if that's what they want.

Thank you for sharing ❤

You sound like a great partner!

The avoidant was getting to know likes to always say “once again we are not a couple” because we never got to that stage ….he did all the things that felt like we were going in that direction ….but it’s like he uses that to justify his now cold behavior toward me.

Same~~I don't grasp the meaning of it at all.

From my understanding, it means that their fears are greater than their feelings a lot of the time. So if they have feelings for someone and let’s say these feelings are at a 7 out 10 and then their fears (usually around vulnerability) are at a 9 out of 10, this results in a negative experience for them and can cause deactivation. Lol I hope that made some sense. Hopefully someone else can explain it better 😅

@@staceyibanda3346 Thank you~~that makes perfect sense. 🙏💗🙏

Stacey gave a good description above. Another description I will give, and hopefully it makes sense is: If my feelings are an 8 out of 10 for you, If my fears of vulnerability are a 5 out of 10 for you, Then my feelings (8) minus my fears (5) leaves me with net feelings of 3 out of 10. For you, on the receiving end, my feelings being a 3 out of 10 aren’t going to feel good to you. It appears I’m not interested in you or the relationship. In reality, it’s just my fears overpowering my feelings and affecting my ability to show you my full, true feelings.

Can you explain that more? What the feeling is of never receiving enough? I'm a DA and have similar feelings at times but directed toward myself instead of others. Logically it doesn't make sense that we need to receive an infinite amount to be secure. But that's what it feels like.

@JNL I believe it is like Thais described - a mismatch of love languages. As a non-DA, I tend to look out for reciprocation of what I would tend to do - give compliments, etc. But the love language is different for the DA and they will do what they feel is enough, it just gets missed, or the wires are crossed. And even if we recognize their presence and efforts (like I do now), I still feel a bit of loss of the actions I think I still want to receive. I think if I can work on moving to be more secure, that would change, but as an FA leaning anxious, I ask for reassurance and affection because I still need it.

@@jnl3564 Even a plant can't survive on last week's water. (An analogy I find helpful.) Relationships require "maintenance," just like a car, just like your washroom, like many living things (as well as various "dead" things)... In fact, when you know how to emotionally connect with people, it doesn't feel like "work" to invest. It simply feels natural. (And for some, pleasurable.) To be fair, no one ever invested in a DA when they were growing up, so they can't be blamed for not recognizing the necessity. But I promise, it's not so scary or intimidating once you get the hang of it. It's kind of fun. Try to think of it in terms of something else you may have invested in that you DO like (did you have a dog or another pet? ...Did you feel it inconvenient & a bother or too much effort to water, feed & walk them... maybe even take them to the vet once in awhile? Most likely not). The point is, try to re-frame investing in people as something you might enjoy (in your mind). Think of it as a fun experiment. Try it out to see what kind of results you get. But do bare in mind: positive results (may) require you invest in a securely attached (or otherwise) healthy human. Suppose you invest in a feral cat, the likelihood is you may not get the same positive reinforcement you'd get via investing in a house cat. Investing in a human yields lovely rewards when that human has the emotional bandwidth for reciprocation. Try teeny tiny small steps at first. (As the saying goes: it take a little time to turn the Titanic around.) Speaking from a secure-attachment perspective, it grieves my heart that so many lovely individuals might miss out on the sacred, enriching, beautifully satisfying & uplifting aspects of emotional intimacy, only because they didn't receive the nurturing rightly due them as children. You deserve more. (For yourself.) Don't be afraid to go after it! You are always evolving & changing---relational experience (either positive or negative) is going to impact your attachment style one way or the other... attachment patterns are neither fixed nor static, so be on the lookout for healthy people you can connect with, or flourishing relationships you can observe... sometimes you just need to see what's possible, in order to recognize what's obtainable. --sending you peace & love & positive vibes--💕 You deserve the very best life has to offer (even more so if your younger self got jipped)!💯

@@MultiDancing1 this is so well said - thank you 💜

@@sarahstevenson8155 Hey thanks Sarah! ...Another one I've heard before: you can't go to the gym one time & expect to keep a six pack. You can't eat one meal & imagine you'll never be hungry again. If you're certified in CPR, or have a proficiency in fire arms operation, you'll be obliged to demonstrate that you've maintained that skill (on the regular). If you have a driver's license, you'll have to renew it. Heck--if you read the manual--but never actually drove the car: you'd be utterly deficient in practical application... If you took out the trash last week, you'll have to take it out again this week... If you stocked the fridge last month... If you checked the mail yesterday... If you mowed the grass... so on & so forth ad nauseam... (you get the idea)---when you really stop to consider: there's almost nothing under the sun that doesn't require continuous investment (or on-going maintenance). When one tries to brainstorm about this topic (as I did above), one will see it even more clearly. So though it may not feel intuitive or instinctive to a DA (initially)---no one can claim it isn't logical (upon reflection). I sincerely doubt a DA who's introspective & honest with themselves (& their own worldly observations) would successfully protest this point. (Or, minimally, one would hope they would opt not to do so aggressively.) Not wanting to do something, versus not needing to do something, are two completely different notions. For DA's, not wanting to invest is universal, but not needing to? That is simply self-delusion. (And that statement is not a dis: we're all self-delusional in some respects, as no one human knows everything... we're beings of endless expansion, always learning, always leaving behind expired & out-dated ideas.) Hence why we progress from kindergarten, to 6th grade, to 12th grade, to college---or 5 years old, to 9 years old, or from stair one to stair five (i.e. from glory to glory to...). A DA who is married to the notion of non-investment isn't really allowing themselves to grow, isn't allowing their own consciousness to expand, or their emotional literacy to increase (admittedly hard for them to do, but impossible? Most certainly not!). At risk of saying what's been said a thousand times: we're all a work in progress. Including DAs (so my DA friends: don't be so resistant to change--it will only make you stronger!). Anyway. Yeah. Just my two cents. (I appreciate you listening--er--reading!)😁 --Blessings to you & yours--💙

What does the grass is greener syndrome mean?

@@focusrelentlessly8829 they always think and act like there are better one out there for them. They would become critical to their partners, implying their partner is not the one for them. Some of them would even go out and check on other people! It’s a mechanism to push their partner away.

Na.. DAs are female as well.. but guys struggle with being patient with them.. it is very easy to assume that they are just not interested

@growing day by day; you are worthy of love. You are so worthy. Start there ❤️

That’s so fascinating. I feel this way towards romantic partners but nobody else. What works for me is really loving to have mental and physical space. If someone is talking to me all day - eventually I need space to myself to think, dream, learn, look at videos, read, etc. I don’t have the mental capacity to talk to too many people in one day. Sometimes friends and family take days or weeks to text me back and it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s important to have a running list of things you want to do as a solo person and then when no one is talking to you, just start doing things on that list. Before you know it, you’re not bothered anymore.

"Hanging on" and "hoping" that someone will show up for you just because you showed understanding towards their attachment style is not compassion.

Why don't DAs just stay out of relationships if they don't like what is pretty much the essence of relating to others, instead constantly punishing others for having normal needs? It's pointless.

Well I've been with my DA for close to 2 years now and he's absolutely amazing. I find that they love being in relationships and genuinely crave intimacy, just not from people who have a poor sense of self. Like if partners are needy or have no self esteem, they can't really offer a safe or fulfilling relationship. No attachment style is going to stick around for that.

Please be honest if you are a DA. If your partner was so easy and amazing it is highly unlikely you would be on this forum which is for people seeking help.

And if you have read the research in this area you would know that DAs can also make secure people insecure. They have a problem and that problem.