5 Reasons Your Avoidant Ex Lost Attraction | Dismissive Avoidant Breakup 

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So basically a relationship with them is doomed to failure as all these challenges occur in life

Selfish, completely lacking in empathy, completely lacking in accountability, blame everyone else, entitled, horrible, worthless individuals who absolutely do not deserve anyone giving a shit about them! The worst kind of person to fall in love with!

The DA can sure make a secure person become anxious for sure!

Dismissive avoidant here, literally just learned about this and now I'm trying to understand my condition so I can break the pattern. Trust me, it's exhausting for us as well.

They push emotions down. Emotions make them feel weak. They often put something like work ahead of the relationship. This pushing down of emotions reduces their bandwidth for dealing with others.

Being passive aggressive, irritable and pulling away were his subtle and not so subtle clue as he was stressed, overwhelmed and about to end our relationship.

When a D A breaks up they are quick to find a replacement

It doesn't matter why your partner can't meet your needs ! Shutting down deactivating give you silent treatment ! Or walking on eggshells getting cheated on be manipulated! Its still fu...n abuse!! Keep walking never look back!!

I think they are pure weakness. There is absolutely no strength in a person like this. I actually think I am right for thinking they are not enough.

wow. This is exactly what happened. He started stressing about an imagined threat to his work. I told him Ill be there to support him always but all he did was start to avoid me. I just could not understand why stress about work meant he lost attraction in me (still sounds unfair to me). Anyway his loss. I was an amazing gf to him and ill never go back to that messed up mindset

My Ex was everything you pointed out. I tolerated this behavior for far too long. Intimacy, communication and quality of life for me really started to deteriorate over time. Living together became brutally plutonic in nature. I had a tough choice to make after kindy bringing my concerns to her many times. At the end, she was livid and attempted to make me feel "guilty" for wanting her to show up more in our relationship?

A very accurate description. She kept telling me how she 'had a lot on at the moment' without saying what that was, or making any time for me/us, even for a casual meet-up, and even though she'd been very interested in me at first. It was a like a light switch had turned off. I couldn't understand it at the time. Through online research and videos like this, I learned about attachment styles and quickly realised that she is dismissive avoidant (which I don't think she even knew herself, although she was aware that she liked and needed her own space and distance), which helped me to understand her behaviour a lot more, but it hasn't changed our almost non-existent now relationship. It hurts a lot because she was very keen initially.

What we have to remember and i have learnt is from an advoidant its not about the partner its about their emotions to a certain situation that triggers them and takes them over the line out of their comfort zone parameters. They unfortunately always want to run once thats hit to try and protect themselves either by going distant or leaving the RS all together. Also the reasons in most cases to why they want to end, wont make sense and be the first thing tgat they can think of because again they cannot open up and express whats going on in them, I never knew anything about these attachments theory's and i think many on here didn't either until its all too late. We all look back on how we handle things at different stages and think what we said and now we know we handled things the wrong way and triggering our ex DA's into making the situation worse for them ...The saddest part also is these people want love but cant understand why they cant handle it when its put in front of them..Its very sad and hurting for all involved...if that person is your twin flame then and you want to reunite no matter what then you first need to give them space, work on yourself so if and when they are ready and come and find you then your prepared, they also need to be ready to get some therapy work ideally or work with you on themselves or it will all happen over again.. Good luck to you all🙏

Everything seemed to have been going great. No drama, no fighting, just easy. She then turned around things such as me asking when I was going to see her again, and turn them negative. She went cold and the next day she ended it. No explanation, no communication. It’s been a week. She has blocked me entirely off everything. She was so crazy about me, and acted as if I was the best thing that’s happened to her.

What is wrong woth DAs?? Life comes up and they just run away rather then engage emotionally in a relationship, how do they expect to have healthy relationships of they keep doing this 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

My ex was a textbook DA. Everything you said happen. Very accurate.

This is super helpful to hear after my ex's exact reason for dumping me was, "I'm not attracted to you anymore", after a 5 year long term relationship.

No contact is the only chance of reattraction, as it provides reset options.

Literally was dumped as ex had to focus on study, and everything was too stressful wow

Everyone! I can completely vouch for everything Kat is saying because it was entirely my situation. She had so much going on in her life that when I criticized how she was not giving me any time and choosing her busy life with her work and family over me, she blocked me.

Katya is the real deal. I've been working with her at various times over the last year and a half, and she's truly helped me learn how to see myself in an honest and supportive way. These videos are on popular topics but they only scratch the surface of her insight. i can't recommend her enough if you're suffering heartbreak.

reason 5 happened to me exactly like that: we met several months, but she was in a stressful work-situation. she canceled every second meeting with me, from the beginning. i was rather surprised and understanding because i knew she likes me and she showed me that as well. sometimes we met only every 10 days for a walk, so there was a great distance from the beginning, before there even was a conflict. but at the 6. time she cancelled our meeting, it was our whole planned weekend and she did it 2 hours before the meeting, i had the food on the table. thats when it switched and i was very hurt and of course reached for a conversation. - thats when she ended the relationship 3 weeks later, telling me she didnt have time and energy for the role of a partner because she has so many responsibilities she just cant bear the responsibility of being a partner. i tried my best, even then, asking her to find solutions together, but she sticked to her story, no time, no energy, no force. " i wish i could give you what you deserve but i just cant because i cant even give it to myself"

my ex broke up with me outta no where. one day we were planning a road trip together, 2days later she wanted to end the relationship. I had no idea what a D.A. was till I started watching videos and reading and my ex is a classic D.A. She gave me all the signs and hints... I just didn't know it at the time. Going No Contact and giving her space. Hopefully we can reconnect again because I do love her😔

I never knew til a few years ago that i was a DA. We did not choose to be this way. I am currently in a relationship with an anxious avoidant and we have been triggering each other quite a lot lately. He's not one to listen to or have faith in any "relationship counseling mumbo jumbo" but this past weekend we sat down and i showed him some videos of our attachment styles and we had a very lengthy conversation. It felt as if a huge burden was lifted off our shoulders. We have a long way to go but I am confident that we will make it. Not all DA's are ruthless.

So basically if you're a good, healthy person you are screwed no matter the case.

Seems like DAs lose attraction when they feel inadequate instead of you or some trait of yours. 1. Asked to be more emotionally intimate. They will feel like they are a failure. 2. Asked what they are feeling? 3. They feel like they are not good enough in your eyes. 4. Their livelihood is threatened as the relationship is demanding and they can't focus on both. 5. SO puts more stress on them when they are already stressed out.

I sort of hate that I can empathize with the DA attachment style. I'm AP attachment style. The DA typically does not mean anything personal when they want space. Space is what the DA needs to self regulate when they are overwhelmed. And of course, the AP style typically smothers the DA style, by wanting to spend every minute with them. Independence and space are paramount for the DA attachment style. Anything that threatens their space or independence will trigger their attachment wounds, which is not good. I somehow understand the behavior. I just got broken up with by a DA, but I did not understand attachment styles until now. I am going to reach out in about two months, and see if she will meet up, and try to explain that I understand her needs much clearer now. If she does not want to meet up, oh well.

Deal with this up until last week when she dumped me. All of this is her. It’s kind of sad to me because I saw potential but saw a lot of red flags. Her relationship with her kids and family aren’t good and she constantly blamed everyone else for issues happening. She was scared to talk to her boss about issues at work. When I called her out about certain rude behaviors she would say she feels she isn’t good enough. She said this wasn’t going to work and when I tried to call her as this was over text she became angry and said she didn’t wanna talk now. I pushed and asked to talk like two adults and she became angrier and said she was going to bed and we can probably talk the next day. I said well whenever you wanna let yourself be loved and cared for let me know. Haven’t heard from her and I’m doing no contact. This was so helpful because I doubt this would’ve worked because I guess I’m the anxious partner.

My DA was stressed from working a lot of hours, trying to find a new job, and new place. I didn't realize that me asking her to hangout put more stress on her, and she came up with a reason to leave.

It’s just not our job to read between the lines

So my indicators were him slightly pulling back (I had know knowledge at this point re DA traits) and me digging. He would instinctively know and ask if I was ok. I’m an AP. He would say I was being silly and that we should just enjoy each other. I realise I couldn’t because his behaviour was CAUSING my AP.

What sucks is my DA tried to tell me over and over he had a lot going on Aka was stressed. I kept pushing for him to share what was wrong with me so I could help. That was the worst thing I could have done because it pushed him away

My DA long distance boyfriend of 1.5 years, told me everything he was doing as he worked on his project. A work project on his house. This had been going on for the better part of a year. I was understanding and gave him lots of space and time. (We live on opposite coasts of the US) He had all but both feet out of the relationship. I told him that I'm letting him go, be cause he was passively trying to "let me go" for months. I call it the "slow fade". It hurt. BIG time! I was and still am in love with him. He wants to be friends, he says. Lately he has been keeping in touch every so often so I believe he will want to get together. I suggested we celebrate the finishing of the house project. He's thinking about it and left it at: We can discuss it after the holidays and get together if we should decide to do that." I'm hopeful.

After no contact for a couple of months I reached to him to wish him a happy birthday. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was hesitant. He pursued me. I wasn’t too enthusiastic. A week later he said our relationship has run its course and he cannot see us getting romantically involved. That was 2ms ago. I’m doing no contact again. He reached out several times telling me he missed me. I didn’t respond. He sent me a message that he’s deleting me, then made a romantic comment. I miss him terribly. I know I should probably stay away 😢

So work always comes first for a DA?! .. 🤔

thanks to everyone who shared their experience in the comment section. this is so helpful and healing!

Ma'am this was powerfully and painfully accurate. She hit every single one of these.

Me, being DA and FA, watching video about what could be the reasons why I might lose attraction in the future relationships to be prepared and think of a strategy to handle them 😃👍

My DA was married for 30 years, and the reasons that that breakup occurred would have broken up the most secure of attachments. So there are DAs who have learned to hang in there, and commit no matter what.

Why a D. A would not communicate their feelings with their partner, instead they monkey branch you and moved on.

They run due to fear or intimacy and rejection; not that they dont find you attractive lol

We had most of these in the relationship and at the time i didnt know she was an avoidant. I was completely blindsided by the breakup. Because a secure attached person would not leave someone for those reasons. Of course there were patterns and thats why i figured out her attachment style. Probably the only reason she stayed so long is because i am verry independant as a person and never asked too much of her emotionally. But yes i tried to push her to talk. Her work took over her life and i hated that. And i often criticized her behavior.

I had all of these. Had no idea until it was too late that he was an avoidant. He hurt me horribly and coldly. Never going back. I loved him but i love myswlf more

She has a mediocre career she refuses to abandon that still enable her vices and deceptive nature. Being almost 40 and a bartender with no insurance or savings as well as retirement plant is unacceptable to be disapproving of.

The "starting grad school" thing was the reason i got last night. Brutally accurate.

avoidants are emotionally illiterate

Yeah this is what happened to me. I did not know that he was a DA, Everything was great. But then he's ways of texting changed. So I started challenging him. He ghosted me. Block me on Facebook, messenger and changed his phone number. It was so rude. I broke NC twice since March. We are in 44 days NC now. I'm in a different place now compared three months ago. I'm stronger now though I made 15 pages of letters for him. Planned to send it to him this month. Good thing I didn't cause that would've been weird. I'm older than him nine years. It's his birthday next month. I still love him though. It's just that I'm not sure if I still want him to be a part of my life.

Interesting Katya. A lot of what you see and analyze are things I see in the relationship. The stress and the percieved notion that the relationship, despite being very good could somehow interfere with her life is ludicrous. You cannot whoever you are have your cake and eat it too. None of us can. I simply stuck to my feelings with her and said you cannot live in a fantasy world that you emotionally frame. It does not work for anyone. We cannot be together if you believe we are not together and then use fanstasy reasons as to why we are not. Her response has been that we are still together despite the fact that we are apart. I repeat to her that we both are involved in a relationship and that I know she loves me. It doesn't seem to matter in my case what I say to her, she keeps seeing me. If she loses attraction to me then so be it. It is no different than any other type of relationship. Its funny in some ways. If a DA always frames their relationship in their own eyes then if you were ever to marry one, what do they call that. Oh' meet my husband, we are seriously dating now. LOL🤣

Ok, I've watched and listened to this video several times, and there are some part that really ring true. I got a dump-text after 18 months of seeing each other, and it really has done a number on me... I've never felt to dismissed and discarded, by somebody that I would have NEVER thought would do such a thing, and yet... here we are... I think it was the part of this video that talked about # 3, is something that really rang true.... hit quite home.... and has helped me.. .thanks... Tom

What I noticed is that in the comments section people, who are not DA usually describe how their relationships with DA partner ended. What's interesting for me is whether someone could share their case of a DA partner (maybe them being a DA) having a relationships with the DA partner and how it went. Because, I'm wondering whether DA would understand the DA better, than the person who's not a DA. I took a test and I'm DA and FA types at 31% each, so I'm curious how it would work. I'm thinking about looking for the relationships in 3 months, so I gather information about how to make them better for both of me and a partner. I consider taking a therapy sessions even if it's costly, because I want to be taught on how to start relationships on good point and how to maintain them, how to make good decisions for both partner and me etc.

I think that I have a good anecdote to your last point and request for some deeper understanding of how the other was under stress and was just unable to handle even normal interaction. I may have misinterpreted your question. I was still married at the time, but separated. My Ex's father had died a few months prior. The whole extended family gathered at a big rented home in Chicago for the memorial where we buried him next to my former MnL. Throughout the event, she dismissed me in public repeatedly. She is the poster child of a DA. She was cruel and demeaning. I pushed back and the family began to better-understand the problem. But they were all her family and not mine. We shared a bed, but did not have sex. I was there for her and we cuddled in the same bed each of the 3-4 nights we were there. It was quite sweet and I was OK with this as I wanted her to feel comforted. Yes I grabbed a boob or two ... not like I hadn't for 35 years to that point. Again, we were not yet divorced and I was trying to save the marriage. We have 3 kids together. We all fly back home together and I drive us all back to her home (I was living a town away). I was exhausted and requested to sleep there for the night. First, the minute we land, all of the kids just pile on me. It was a 3 front war that came out of nowhere. They all beat the crap out of me. I was concussed. I'm a great dad and this assault was just crazy. It was like a tornado out of nowhere. We got into bed and before we fell asleep with no intentions of fun; she unloaded on me like I was the worst person on the planet. I did absolutely nothing to warrant this. Just nothing. It was a display of vulnerability overload that ended up hurting me a lot. I'm not sure that I can forgive her for it if she cannot apologize for that moment. I don't have to. It was really bad. It was SO painful. Sean G

In my case, it seems I wanted her to put more effort into the relationship than she wanted to/ could give. At the end she told me she was unhappy and opted out.

Very good analysis ! But communication is vital , if that proves to be very difficult or virtually impossible ( she does not want to go there or can not go there ) what can you do ( anxious ) to save the relation with an dismissive avoidant ?

I agree with point 4 & 5 .I didnt know about attachment styles and i didnt realise he was stressed and i think I added to his stress without realising! I feel so bad and wished i had known. I take comfort in knowing had I known it would have been different - I'm not a mind reader - unfortunately.

I did not ask my ex for anything he avoided me alone After breakup he did not go to non contact period!!!he asked to be friends he txt everyday vague conversation

Yes I’m a man I am an anxious attachment style and my ex a woman was dismissive avoidant and gave the excuse that I’d fallen very much for her and she had struggled to give me her time over her 2 children. So ended the relationship.

My ex started pulling away, talking about trips he wanted to take on his own, not saying he was excited to see me. Telling me work was very busy and a lot of stress to handle. Started not planning dates at all, felt seeing each other 2 days a month was fine and that we could see each other more in the summer.... this is after 1 year and 4 months. He went to a music festival without me. I stopped texting as I figured he could reach out to me... why should i chase a man who treats his gf like this? A week later, break up by text from him. No reason stated. I had also recently cried about not being prioritized and hoping for more togetherness

Woww... So on point. Very accurate. Thanks for sharing this.

Should I text my FA merry Christmas? Have been in no contact for 35 days by then. Thank you!

All of them, She started to ignore me and never spend a single minute with me, that situation lasted 2 month, and then she left me for the 4th time because I was "annoying"... yeah annoying because I was asking for the bare minimum started to reinforce my boundaries after she hurt me again

He got written up at work, became stressed, started to become very negative toward everyone and a bit hostile. For him everyone else is to blame so he went silent on me. No break up just silence. It’s been 2 weeks now, not 1 word. Im an empath so I’m not reaching out because of all the negativity coming out of him.

Hello The last reason you just mention before time: 10.26 of the video is exactly nailing my issue with my partner. Too long to explain here, can I share more by email / PM? Thx

i catched it but i also stressed out about that thing that time so it making it worse .

Perimenopause symptoms exacerbated things in my opinion. Super stressed and seemed to be triggering a lot of things.

Wow this is v accurate esp the job promotion part

You asked for signs that mMy DA was stressing... probably not about our relationship (although I thought he was withdrawing and cooling off), but about a list of things - serious surgery, asking his wife for a divorce and getting abused by her, his adult childrens' concerns that he would get taken for half the property by yet another live in girlfriend. All these things were, I think, causing him to become "hunkered down" in his own thoughts, but not necessarily withdrawing from the relationship. The SIGNS I picked up were, forgetting to kiss me when he got home, not saying good morning darling upon awakening, promising a movie date and then not delivering, choosing to watch a TV movie rather than come to bed early before I left to travel away for weeks. He was basically deep in thought, and choosing an action/war movie to turn off his worries. I broke it off with him when he refused to take a day off work to lodge a divorce application. He was likely under a lot of stress because the business was short-staffed and it was all falling on his shoulders. I broke it off because I probably incorrectly perceived that his failure to get the promised divorce papers lodged, indicated he didn't care about our relationship and was choosing to stay married to someone who left many years before.

They were less playful. Serious. Dry.

This explains A LOT for Me 🙄

Her granma was dying, she was ill

I'm tired of listening to how the world revolves around the "avoidants" and we're all to caudle them and walk on egg shells just to be near them. The slightest thing can set off their weird mental processes. This attitude says we're all to give distance and live separated from them off/on because it's all about them. NO! Let them live alone and in isolation since they refuse to get the help they desperately need. And why aren't they being told to get help to function normally by this "coach" and therapist community? I never hear any of you tell them to get help on this platform. We didn't use to analyze everyone's personality in dating world. When did it come to this??

My ex was stressed out due to her nasty divorced process I did my best to help her but she monkey branch me and move on

Is it possible for a woman to have had two marriages and her not experience the shut downs/fear because she only thought she loved them. She says that the reason it's manifesting with me is because this is the healthiest relationship she has ever had. I mean... granted I am awesome as f but is what she is claiming even possible. Could she be lying to herself. In fairness we are mid 50s and I have never exhibited anxious behaviors/insecurities until she turned off from hot to cold. in my experience is that signs of infidelity and avoidance behaviors/vibes are identical and that is a mind f.

I made most of these mistakes

I'm probably DA (prefer the term counterdependent) and this is how it goes: 'I thought you liked me because I'm me, and now you say you feel bad? Not logical. If you're coming at me with all these problems that you have to resolve, maybe you should go do that'. Unfortunately that's when they decide I am the problem. A very sad cycle.

They dont lose attraction...

Hi all….. Update 28/11/22: She found out I’d received my ticket for the works due for Sat 3rd December. She text me saying “I can’t believe your still going! As you don’t talk to me now or sit with me at dinner time. A never replied 01/12/22: She confronted me at work,I said if you really don’t want me to go (After all this time, Saying you want me to ) then I won’t, I’ll just have my money back!! She said she just wanted a good time……. She was a bit abrupt through this confrontation! Kept repeating herself saying she’s happy. Then she wanted to know why i stopped talking to her and sitting with her at dinner: I said because when I picked my clothes up etc and we promised each other a few things and you’d gone back on your word. Sitting with you? Were not a couple anymore and that was your choice… 03/012/22: Works Due I was the last 1 to arrive, She got up and asked if I wanted a drink? And could help her carry drinks with her… Ask we got to the bar,She apologised for how she had acted at work! We had a laugh , Asked me to dance with her. Present: We’ve been communicating better…. I’m hoping she may have that feeling of coming back around! It’s been really cold today, She grabbed my hand and held it out of the blue,She said my hands are freezing. Little more contact recently ( Hello everyone Me (34)and my ex avoidant girlfriend (47 Yr old ) split up on September 12th after 5 years together!! (Work at the same place) Citing lost feelings….Though earlier in the day we’d booked to go on our Christmas works due together?!?! We briefly split at the end of Covid 19 from March 2021 to June 2021.Her Hysterectomy Op has sent her in to early menopause this year , Along with her daughter having mental health problems and her mum been diagnosed with cancer it’s been a tough year for her. ( I’ve been supportive in that time ) Since the breakup: 20/09/2022 Obviously we work at the same place,I’ve been applying no contact since last week ( the split ) , Walked in canteen for my dinner could see her sat at our table with the neck stuck out looking where I was going. As I paid for my food went to eat in the other side,All I could hear was “Luke” luke “ sit here…. I was so confused,but never sat down! Just said I need to off back to work. Gets back to my office which is 5 mins away,pulled my phone out and have a message of her asking if I’m okay?!?! LastNight: Random message sent from her yesterday evening! She works crazy hours (Always has ) , Saying thank you for leaving a gift on her and her coworkers locker. I never answered for an hour or 2! Then bluntly sent to her I haven’t… / She text back straight away Okay no worries I’m confused 22/09/2022 : Bumped in to her at work today she was again been weirdly nice(Asking how I am! What I’m doing at the gym, and telling me she’s not feeling good and she’s on edge all the time. I was like Ohhh 😮 hope you get better. I made out I had to go… 30/09/22: She asked me to come through and pick my clothes up today! She had a coffee waiting for me….Saying I can always pop over to see her and our dog. Mixed signals all over through this 01/10/2022: Changed her status from Relationship to blank / To Single and then back to blank 03/10/22: Got a random message from her this morning: If anyones been asking at work about the breakup? ( As above on Saturday morning she changed her profile to single , But changed it to nothing later ) ( I left my on single since Saturday evening ) Trying to insinuate people will know because my profile is now single , Though people notice she changed hers three times on Saturday. I used NO CONTACT TO THE MESSAGE! She’s then removed the message this afternoon?!?! I’m confused )