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God bless all the people who are climbing this steep mountain. Its easier to sleep in denial, repeating the mistakes of our parents & past. I am moving to acceptance; from looking with fully opened eyes at the mess i grew up in, re-experiencing the emotions that reveal to me that mess - and the tears that cleanse me of it. Self differentiation is next & i look forward to that. Its already happening, im becoming less reactive and more who i really am- not who the abused child mistakenly thought she was.
@dreams of turtles Beautiful framing of the tears-“the tears that cleanse me of it (the mess).” I’m going through this now and often cry ugly cries alone, purging the pain. It’s dark and bleak, but I have hope and only a few people I can go to (none in my family). They keep me here right now. When I try to go to my family, they abandon me. Having the insights of the entire process helps me know that this moment of running into the painful truth is the darkest part and that there will be light afterwards.
Here’s a recap I wrote in my notes on the stages, feel free to capture: 1. Acceptance (accept that the abuse happend and that I was in fact a victim of the abuse) Don’t use past abuse as a means to blame (as an excuse) to current behavior rather take for responsibility for changing the effects of the abuse that it had on me and stop acting from the abused part of me. No more reacting from the acoa past. Learn, recover and interact healthy with others. Remove folks that fit our asoa maps. Work through addictions and self destructive behaviors that have stemmed from an unhealthy past like codependency or enabling abuse. 2. Seeing my old normal as my old and present normal begin to differentiate my old normal from my new normal and see how unhealthy my old normal was. Begin to see how my old normal has affected my life entirely. 3. Learning a new normal: having reality checks and feeling safe, redefining right/wrong good and bad, healthy and unhealthy. Learn what life was supposed to be like (healthy family dynamics) Learning the memo of what normal is ( healing ideas of what is normal (acceptable) and what is not. Expectations of what is normal, and boundaries for what is normal, saying no (setting healthy boundaries), learning normal guilt (healthy guilt) vs unhealthy guilt ( psychological, spiritual, societal, family guilt, self guilt) some guilt is a manipulation tactic and is not healthy at all learn the difference. 4. Achieving the new normal, the stage of healing that inner child. Grieving the loss of a normal childhood, going through them and beyond the pain. Not running away from them, it through them and beyond. 5. Road less travelled of differentiation; stage of actual becoming. The stage of becoming the true authentic self the true you. Clearly defining self while staying connected to others. Having a strong emotional backbone and less enmeshment. Self reliance moving to proper adulthood. Achieving separateness between feeling and thinking where feeling doesn’t dominate our thinking process so much. Feel when we choose and desire to feel. Tolerating toxic families easily due to seeing the whole dynamic not codependantly but maturely (we become resilient to their arrows that try to wound us because now we have a healthy sense of self and reality) feeling that these things really doesn’t matter anymore we are more observers than absorbers.
My father a violent alcoholic. He beat me and myself since we little. I have had to school with bruises, a busted lip. Hurt ribs broken noise. To top it all off my father tried to kill me. I left home that day. I have never had any type of consouling what so every. Everything that this man has said has been spot on. I went through physical verbal and mental abuse at the hands of my father. I am sure I need lots of counseling. I belong to a club that nobody wants to me a member of.😪
This is so unbelievably sad. I can not believe how somebody can do that. I have a daughter myself. She is the queen of my heart. I love her so very deeply. I can not imagine a father harming his little daughter. This brings tears to my eyes. I pray that you will get healed from all what you ve been trough.
Theresa, I believe you. You did not deserve any of that abuse. It was horrible and criminal. I hope you will get help in your journey to healing your broken heart and spirit. Love.
I also lived in an alcoholic and physically abusive home of divorce. I know the pain you carry, especially since you never had the resources to help you realize what had happened to you. I was always aware from about age 8 but no help dealing till an adult. Asked my mom but she was alcoholic and narcissistic and said therapy didn't work....I'm sorry for your childhood but I'm thrilled that you have finally awoken and are ready to begin healing!! May God wrap you in his arms and lead you to the people and circumstances you need to begin your healing journey.
I just joined ACOA and CoDa because I have a dysfunctional family and broke up with my toixuc boyfriend. Your videos has helped me. Thank you. God Bless. Cindy new Jersey
God knows I've been there. However, I hadn't a clue about how toxic my parenting had been, even though I knew their alcoholism growing up was "abusive". I didn't have a clue that the adult I became was just as messed up. This time in your life is a season sort of and will change, but not your addicted mind. You'll stop the pills but find something else probably again.
Gods love can save us all.love is healing. Our real father in heaven would never abuse or neglect us.these are just earthly parents.They are a poor substitute because they are messed up themselves.
Thanks for making these accessible to the public. I can’t thank you enough. I’ve never been understood in clinical therapy and I always felt like I lived outside of any definitions but I’m finally getting to grips with exactly what is wrong with me. It’s early days and I love all of my ACoA resources but as you’ve stated they can be difficult to navigate in the early days. I hope many more people come to find this video as I personally find it so useful xxx
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this acoa thing. My therapist told me about it after a couple sessions with her last year. I definitely identify, as I don't know what normal is it seems.
I have clinical depression and ptsd my dad was a alcoholic and abusive my mother was a crackhead till my brother and sister was put into foster care. My therapist told me to do therapy take my meds and go to acoa meetings. I don't want to go to meetings but we will see.
I am both an ACA and was raised by two narcissistic parents (both self-absorbed in their own distinct ways). The COA meetings I attended in the late 80s- early 90s operated more as dating venues; "healing" was the LAST thing considered. I see now how I assigned blame with surgical precision; hell, the damn books at the time assumed COAs would gravitate to each other, like this pairing was inevitable. I saw this as a trap. Self-help books are not instruction manuals! I might not have experienced recovery, per se, but I did recycle my feelings! I found 12-step 30& 40 somethings dismissed my perceptions. Group think, hive mind, and lead bias-each tainted local meetings I attended. I'm not certain these people ever achieved real recovery.
I'm trying to really concentrate on what he's saying, but his struggling with breathing from being so over weight scares me. I'm afraid he's gonna have a heart attack at any minute. I hope he doesn't take this wrong. I dated a gentleman with serious bulimia. He was a beautiful soul. He struggled with eating disorders and was such a gentle soul. He continued too eat and purge until he literally split himself wide open right down the middle and was rushed into emergency surgery. He struggled with breathing problems to. Now, when i see or hear this i can't help but remember how traumatized his family and i were as too Weather he would survive. He worked out at the gym 3 days a week and was solid muscle. Except for his love for food. When his family, friends or doctors would try and help him he would get angry with us. He survived the emergency surgery, but needless to say he thought with the mesh now holding his stomach together he could eat more than ever. He actually ripped the mesh which they claimed was next to impossible to do. All his family was on the larger size. After the first episode his mother now 84 years old and her oldest son 68 years old got professional support from eating healthy and losing weight. They offered it too my boyfriend but he didn't feel he had a problem. They did great. My boyfriend continued to have problems. Doctor's kept insisting he get with a nutritionist too help since now he ripped through the mesh holding him together. He refused. It was scary. After i dropped from Chronic late Stage disseminated Lyme disease. The seriousness of his breathing was getting worse. He was put on oxygen at night because he was suffering with Apnea. He was suffocating under the weight. As my Health condition got worse. I saw the need to do more detox and self care. The change and challenges of diet i had too make interfered with his love for eating out. It put such a strain on our relationship. We split up and i loved him and his family. It wasn't until he had a massive stroke and heart attack before he finally took his eating disorder serious. I had more empathy than most because eating disorders run in my family. Both ways. Either too thin or over weight. Good people if you are struggling to breathe take your focus on your lifestyle habits and choices seriously. Get your thyroid checked. Never think for a minute that person struggling isn't active enough. They could be spending 2 hours on a stairclimber a day. Check out the book Head Strong by Dave Asprey. There are options. Don't continue to suffer or worry those who love you will you survive the night. Dave Asprey addresses the brain functioning of many illnesses including Lyme disease. God Bless 🙏🙏
I'm concerned about you Jerry Wise..as you're weight has skyrocketed. Not healthy and as I understand the effects of emotional pain etc..I joined OA which has been the only thing to help me and others thrive and heal along with the physical benefit of weight loss...I'm sure you know of Overeaters Anonymous...deals with not just physical but emotional and spiritual sides of the person...Be well...🙏☺
Was thinking the same thing. The recommendations are stop acting out with food, sex, gambling, shopping etc. Denial runs deep and everyone has their journey.
I gave up on recovery a long time ago. I really did try - honestly, but to no avail. I have to many wounds to bind.... Big shout out to my f-ed up, dysfunctional "parents" who had sex and plopped me out and walked away. I really would have preferred to be aborted - honest.
I'm right there with you. Sometimes it feels like it's too hard to keep going but then there are days when I have a slither of hope. Keep going and know that we all go through shit in life. I totally understand how there's too much. I was abused in many ways and have so much trauma in my life that at some point I have felt like it's a never ending battle. For me the sexual abuse incest is the hardest to deal with. But when you said abortion I have thought that many times in my life too.
Try taking a risk. Try risking breaking habits in your brain and signing up for something that brings you betterment. Look at it like a scary but fun risk.
The use of the word "normal" in the first section of the video is triggering for me and I make up other ACAs as well. "Healthy" might be a better option.
