Master the art of having uncomfortable conversations in your leadership position, with these 5 simple steps:
In the world of work (or otherwise) it's easy to fall into the trap of being ‘nice’.
We love to shy away from difficult conversations to avoid hurting someone's feelings or creating conflict.
But in the long run in your Leadership journey, this niceness will lead to HUGE issues for yourself and your team. Gossip, surface level relationships, and it’ll put a cap on how successful you truly can become.
Step 1. Start with you
We need to start with introspection. What is your own response to feedback?
When someone challenges you, does your ego/bias kick in and you become defensive?
*OR* do you thank them for the challenge, try to understand their point of view, then use it to have a healthy discussion and make yourself and/or your work stronger?
As with most things, our un-comfort with situations usually stems from something inside of ourselves. So this step is going to help you overcome that.
Step 2. Practice Courage
Having difficult conversations in the spirit of being kind is important, but it is absolutely not easy. It doesn’t feel natural and it’s so much easier to just ignore the thing.
And here I’m asking you to do exactly that. These conversations aren’t easy. It’s easier for me today than ever before, but it still isn’t comfortable.
But that doesn’t matter, I’ll still ALWAYS push through that comfort zone barrier and deliver the feedback as needed.
Courage isn’t a mythical virtue only strong men have when saving a damsel in distress.
*Courage is simply a skill,* skills can be learned, all you need to do is practice it in everyday life until it feels normal.
Step 3. Remind Yourself of the Purpose
So the words I say to myself before entering any difficult conversation in my management and leadership position at work (or public speaking gig):
“may my words today be the ones that this person needs to hear”
Remind yourself, the words you say as a leader, to your team, are the words somebody may really need to hear. Remind yourself that your words might just open their eyes to something slightly hurtful, but with some work, could just be the trigger to them becoming amazing.
Step 4. In the Moment (ALMOST always)
The penultimate, key thing you need to know about difficult conversations in your leadership position, is WHEN to address them.
The answer is in the moment, ALMOST always. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.
Also, the employee on the receiving end is much more likely to remember and understand if the conversation is had sooner.
*There is one caveat here.* Highly emotional situations.
*Recognise when you feel angry.* For me I know I’m angry when I go tingly, start feeling blood run to my face, get a bit hot and I struggle to think straight. Usually followed by the urge to throw a chair (Something which you’ll be happy to know, I’ve never seen through 😅)
Take a moment, get your thoughts on paper, maybe even sleep on it. But DO NOT ignore it.
Step 5. The full method for delivering an uncomfortable conversation as a manager
1. *Lean into the discomfort*
You know when something feels awkward, and someone goes ‘well this is awkward’ and it creates a bit of lightness, and there’s usually a bit of laughing… Well that’s because someone has leant into the tension.
2. *Feelings*
Explain how you were made to *feel* by what they did/are doing.
Leaders often get hung up on having to ‘prove’ why we feel a certain way, but simply telling someone how they’ve made you feel is ENOUGH.
Feelings are valid too.
3. *Actions* - Exactly what are they **actions they’ve taken**, that have caused you or others to feel this way.
This is another reason why having the conversation in the moment is SO important, you’ll often both forget the accurate actions if you leave it too long.
4. *Consequence* - If this continues, explain very clearly what the impact will be. Will they need to move onto performance management? Disciplinary? Will they lose their job?
*In Conclusion*
Difficult conversations are (I’m going to say it) the HARDEST skill in Leadership, because they require the most courage to have.
But if you want to build a high performing team, all pushing towards your business goals, these uncomfortable conversations are inevitable.
Face difficulty head on with kindness and integrity. And never, EVER, ignore the difficult conversations.
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15 окт 2023
