LISTEN WITHOUT THE MUSIC There are now two audio tracks. Go to the settings wheel on the right-hand side of the video player and choose the English (United States) track. WATCH NEXT - HOW NOT TO BE AN EMOTIONAL SPONGE ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-tEzpiM3pV5k.html
Wow, that is so cool! I really appreciate a video without BGM. From now on I will check other videos to see if they have this option as well, because I find BGM many times (not so with your videos though) very disturbing and energy consuming. Thank you very much for offering us this option. 🙏
Notes: 1. Everything seems to be negative. 2. You ask yourself why a lot. 3. You mull over things a lot. 4. You don't think highly of yourself. 5. You always resolve in anger. Overcome: 1. Create small goals ("good things happen to me) 2. Giving others ("show love for others") 3. Make a gratitude list. 4. Get over past mistakes. Put it behind you. 5. Take ownership of yourself.
I have many reasons to not want to be a victim again! One of them is that by being a victim you attract a lot of predators, narcissistic/psychopathic types and other toxic people! Not only that, but you even might seek such relationships, because you're "used" to being a victim. Not a cool feeling... Thank you for your helpful videos, Dr. Marks!
@@DrTraceyMarks / Milla G.That happened to me. I attracted a predator who got off on smashing my self esteem. I think he had Antisocial Personality Disorder. I spent my entire 30s seeking his approval and tolerating his meaness because that is what was comfortable for me. It was a pattern from childhood, where I was trained to believe I was not good enough. I had an older brother who was always mean and dismissive of me. He physically abused me, shamed me and emotionally abandoned me. SO I sought to resolve that relationship by finding men or a man who treated me the same, and then if I could only make them like me, I would finally be ok, good enough, accepted, praised. This childhood stuff runs deep, it is so subconscious no matter how successful I am in my life I always pull the rug out from underneath myself so I can be a victim who gets the attention and sympathy from someone I never got. Why can't I be that person to myself? It's hard to be stuck in self pity, it is like that Eric Clapton song "nobody likes you when you are down and out". People are repelled, I encourage abandonment. I know people are attracted to confidence, happiness, humor, empathy, a good listener. Dr. Tracey is right, just being of service to others, and getting out of my 'poor me' state makes me feel better. It is just a matter of recognizing who deserves my help and what are my intentions in trying to help this particular person. Big picture what overwhelms me is the idea I will always think this way, no matter how much work I do and that is discouraging. Ha here I go again, doubting myself, criticizing, giving up...Dr. Tracey's videos help me a lot. I find gratitude list works best if I make it about things I am grateful for about myself, what I have accomplished, and people who helped me, helps me to recognize the value of me helping others. If I make it about outside things I had nothing to do with achieving I still feel unworthy. I wish I lived in Atlanta so I could be treated by Dr. Marks. It is hard to find a psychiatrist as smart, clear, educated, and un-intimidating as her with a kind bedside manner. She seems so normal and grounded, exactly the person I want to be.
This is so well explained. Victim mentality blocks so many blessings and goes beyond the psychological into the spiritual. Thank you for your service :)
I think it's okay to let yourself feel sorry for yourself sometimes. If I'm having a really hard time and cannot seem to stay positive, I'll let myself slip into self-pity with the understanding that it is temporary and I'll get up and try again after. It's also good to remember that you have to identify when you actually are the victim. I used to blame myself for everything. I was bullied so much in school, my parents had to get a lawyer. I used to think I was a horrible person in another life and this life was my punishment. I would blame myself for the cruel actions of others. Sometimes, people really WERE dealt a shitty hand in life and I think it is okay to acknowledge that and feel bad about it sometimes as long as you know it is temporary and you will get back up snd fight another day.
First thank you for these amazing videos! Thank you TheDialect too, I had similar thoughts about how I would love a video on how to emotionally distance yourself from someone who is rude/demeaning at work but you have to work with them often for your job and their help/support are essential. What would be ways to communicate and carry yourself so as not to be perceived a victim and professionally command respect? This is difficult when you have anxiety and eroded confidence.
Very simple, just talk to that person with more respect than they deserve. Soon you going to find that they start to drift while you don't feel guilty.
Yeah it sneaks up on you. My mind is BLOWN! This mindset goes against everything I stand for I do not understand how I got so deep into it. And it's going to be a long haul because I've been doing this for several decades. SMH
I think you are an extraordinary mental health resource. The word "victim" reminds me of another topic: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A lot of people associate PTSD with the military, but there are so many other trauma survivors. Could you talk about this disorder and the treatment for it? I'm specially concerned about natural disasters' survivors and how the lack of appropriate treatment can really take a toll on the quality of life of many people in US and around the world.
Ana Morales yes I have PTSD I wish people would realize that PTSD is not just for people who went off to war . emotional traumas like emotional abuse which was the case with me as well as sexual abuse can still count as an trauma for PTSD I agree that a video on this would be great and very helpful
The tremendous majority of natural disaster events go on to function decently. They do not become immobilized, commit suicide, or fail to be able to work or love. If their governments do not provide appropriate assistance or if they don't have solid skills and relationships, then they are at high risk for problems. They were vulnerable in the first place in those situations.
This was very helpful. For me, I notice that when I slip into a victim mindset it's often because I'm feeling disempowered by something or someone in my life. That, in turn, triggers fear who kicks down the door and starts a big party with all of his buddies -- self criticism, pessimism, anger, etc. Talk about hard to concentrate! But... pausing to notice that I am playing the victim script again allows me to take a little step back and start using some of the tools you've presented. Thank you, Dr. Marks!
When I was in high school, my autism made me needy, and I openly cried. I believe expressing my tears openly came from seeing the other Asian girls cry openly about grades. (I’m Asian.) So to fit in, I was hard on my self over my grades. I’m really glad my parents never pressured me to get high grades. As I moved further East, there were less Asians, and the Caucasian people didn’t really understood why grades were so important. Grade 10 and grade 11 were hard. Being autistic, I felt guilty for accidentally taking too much from friendships, which lead to me loosing them. On top of that, I got bullied for being a loner. People picked on me saying “if you weren’t so ‘special’, you’d have more friends.” On top of school problems, my parents were getting divorced, so I think that was also a source of my neediness. And mother turned into more of a tiger parent. It wasn’t until grade 12 where I learned to put my foot down. You said in the video about feeling sorry for yourself. Thanks to Madonna’s ‘Human Nature’ song, it helped me stand up for myself. “I’m not your b**** don’t hang your s**** on me.” I’m so glad I made grade 12 my year.
It’s a hard habit to break especially if you have been programmed to a victim mentality. But the more you work on it the more it feels natural. Yoga helped me build so much confidence in myself in a way that self pity, blame game and victim role have no room in my life anymore.
1. Create small achievable goals 2. Give to others 3. Make a gratitude list 4. Get closure on your past hurts - what draws you to these bad decisions - press reset and trust you can move on for better 5. Don’t let past hurts define you Challenge: Identify how you wallow into victim mode
I used to act like a victim back in the days... I constantly asked WHY? But one day God delivered me from this mindset, He taught me humility and literally from that one hour of prayer, I no longer asked why, instead I said thank you, bc I realized everything happens for a reason and I am a stronger being from my obstacles in life. It wasn’t a daily thing for me bc of God’s will. Hopefully this can be your story too:) good day!
Amen. Thank you so much. I confess my sin of being a victim , I repent for victim mentality and humbly asj God ti deliver me in Jesus mighty name, Amen
Is there such a thing as a perpetrator mindset? I never see any videos about how not to abuse children or about changing your thoughts if you're about to do something harmful to someone else. Or maybe a video about how to make amends if you've done something bad to someone? I feel like the focus is always on setting boundaries, forgiving the perpetrator, etc. rather than prevention of trauma or repairing the damage.
Fleur Bandito Good comment, I’m sure it’s true that many who are perpetrators are unaware, but I think many would get help if they felt the help was non-judgemental. Ironically therapists are trained to be non-judgmental. Nevertheless there is a huge barrier confronting those with negative behaviour traits, like uncontrolled anger, or violence. Because they feel to get help is synonymous with being cornered which will just lead to more anger.
When they act badly they like it.we think they don't understand it but they do.and they like seeing us suffer...and then we are wondering why the world is in difficult situations!!!
I think it's also worth acknowledging the external factors that might actually be contributing to ones sense of being disadvantaged. For example, race, gender, sexual orientation in a society that lends privilege to some over others. Seeing that perhaps things aren't good in life because of these external factors rather than some sort of internal brokenness.
Like whoa! I mean life is rough, but this video explains how I've living since my second divorce. I am going to a therapist tomorrow. And I want to put if off because I "rumunate" on many of these items you spoke on here. Thanks for sharing, these are great!
The Victim Complex … How to permanently rob yourself of positive relationships and good mental health I originally decided to write this piece because I wanted to clarify the difference between someone that’s an actual victim and someone that has the victim complex so that I could refer people back to it as I’m often not understood when I talk about the victim complex. I’m extremely vocal about the victim complex as I find it to be the most negative, destructive and insidious attitude that a human being can adopt. A few years ago I wrote an article about this destructive pattern of human emotion and behavior and how these types often end up being abusers and I stand by that assertion. Victim complex often turns people into abusers. Their psyche gets warped by their victim complex and they become totally and completely blind to their own destructive tendencies. As a clinician, I watch people with this mindset create destruction in their own lives as well as the lives around them. They are harmful. Not only to themselves, to others and to the world around them. Honestly, I avoid heavy victim complex people. They have brought harm to me and I know they will some more and again and so I am often vigilant of the traits and indicators of victim complex. Here are the traits that I’ve noticed: Entitlement - There’s a heavy sense of entitlement with these types if you’re not sure what that means it’s basically this: The attitude and belief that they deserve special treatment and as a result often end up taking up more time, energy and resources than others. Their entitlement is a drain. As a result, they have a tendency to be rude and demanding. They expect respect but never give it. They are often opportunistic and exploitative. They don’t ask, they take. And in some cases, they are even manipulative and predatory. When they see generosity and kindness they might see weakness and an opportunity to take. Rigidness - They are quite rigid which is the opposite of flexible. They lack the ability to roll with the punches, adapt, overcome or be resilient. When things don’t go as planned they believe that they are being deliberately harmed or oppressed. They don’t realize that life is hard for everyone, they believe that they are being picked on but their ability to change or flex is virtually non-existent. They expect things to go perfectly all of the time and have a meltdown when it doesn’t happen. Black and white thinking - This goes along with being rigid. They fail to see the gray areas in life or any of the nuances. They see everything either as all good or all bad, all or none, etc. This is just a classic hallmark of mental illness. They’re obsessed with the behavior of other people - So obsessed that they have virtually no insight on themselves as all of their mental energy is directed towards others. Along with being entitled, they are demanding and unforgiving. They put people into groups and label said groups as either good or bad, heroes or villains, oppressed and oppressors. The oppressed are always aligned with being the heroes and the oppressors as the villains obviously. They view certain people that fall into certain categories as bad and deserving of harm. They place people into categories based on basic and trivial criteria like political leanings, never seeming to care about the individual and landing on hating individuals based on these trivial and arbitrary criteria. Naturally, they place themselves in the victim/hero category and all morality just so happens to line up with their own life perspective. They are extremely critical of others. They never have anything good to say. They are negative and flat-out toxic, they always seem to find a reason put people in the villain category. Strangely, their obsession with others robs them of their ability to see the humanity in others as they lack empathy. They fail to see and realize that by hurting others they are hurting themselves. Their obsession with other people is a direct reflection of their own lack of insight. They don’t self-examine and they don’t practice any degree of introspection which accounts for the fact that they are the most blatant and extreme of hypocrites. They are exactly guilty of everything that they accuse others of but it’s almost as though introspection is some kind of skill that they’ve never learned. In fact, many of them become angry, even enraged if you point out their hypocrisy. Examining their own behaviors “triggers” them. They feel to realize that self-examination is positive and powerful but they will hate you for trying to help them build some insight. They don’t take any accountability or responsibility for themselves or their lives - This is where the victim thinking comes in. In every situation, they are never the offender, they are always the offended. They are always the victim. They never do anything wrong, their bad behavior is always somebody else’s fault. They are always right and never wrong. They never apologize. They always blame. They have no insight. They refuse to see that their thoughts, their emotions and their behavior as their own responsibility. They fail to realize that they hate everyone because they deeply hate themselves but refuse to face it and so they turn it onto others. They run from their own issues by obsessing over others. They’re not just the most toxic person in your life, they’re the most toxic person in their lives but they don’t realize it. They have no idea. They run from their self-examination, they detest it, they despise it, they see it as evil and so it warps them even more. The greatest thing they could do for themselves then becomes painful and a weapon that people use against them. This how their narcissism develops as we see this trait often with things like Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. They live and function as a victim - There’s a huge difference between having incidents in life of powerlessness and being harmed. There’s a difference between having episodes and incidents. There’s a big difference between these events and having a victim complex; existing as a victim. The victim complex sees being fired from a job as being a victim and being oppressed and not because they screamed at their boss or stole large amounts of money. Life is hard but not to them, it’s because they’re being oppressed and victimized by someone else. As a result, they never learn and never really grow. They even seem to engineer problems and blame them on others. They get fired and blame their boss, they eat like crap and blame McDonald’s for being fat and unhealthy, they spend their money on stupid things and blame the government because they’re broke. They’re the ones that will punch you and when you punch them back they are calling the police because in their minds they’ve been assaulted. They’re often quite narcissistic - While they don’t always fit the bill for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they often have some pretty strong traits. And while the traits I listed are the main ones there are some others that are worth mentioning. They’re the portrait of negativity. They complain and never have anything good to say. They have a knack for finding the problems and spreading misery. They have almost no sense of humor. Don’t expect them to let go, have fun and allow themselves to laugh. They’ve gone pro in being offended. They go to great lengths to find something offensive and create outrage and drama over it. If they’re feeling aren’t hurt over something then just wait five minutes. They’re angry. All the time. They dwell in it. They stew in it and it warps them. No matter you do, they will ultimately hate you in the end. I’ve had many therapy clients over the years with a strong victim complex. Helping them practice introspection is kind of like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. They can admit they are in distress and when they can admit that they need help then they can often admit that they need to make personal changes which is really good but it’s hard not to notice how quickly any and all good deeds are forgotten. As a therapist, I don’t need people to recognize my efforts but it’s frankly good for them to see good in people and see the good things people do for them. No matter what lengths you go to for them and no matter how altruistic you behave towards them it’s forgotten in a hearbeat. Their thinking is really warped and distorted. They’re detached from reality. I’m going to wrap this post up with some ways to avoid falling into the victim complex. You must take accountability and responsibility. This is the most effective way to avoid it and the most effective way to get out of it. Radically accept that your thoughts, your emotions and your behavior are your responsibility. You might feel like you can’t help it and while that might be true to a degree, you can learn and change. You must adapt and change. If something isn’t working you must do something different. You must learn to see the gray areas, the nuances and the subtleties. Almost nothing is black and white. You have to examine yourself. Face your fears. Check out my 14 day discomfort challenge on some ideas for that. Let go of your need to be mentally and emotionally involved in other people. Let them go, let them live. Worry about yourself. You must learn to exercise patience, kindness, respect and love for yourself. Remember that people who truly love themselves have no need for cruelty. Scott M Carter, Quora
Wow, when you hear somebody else say it it's easy to see. The word "Life" is such a nebulous concept, it's like an unbeatable foe. Yet, her suggestions are tools/weapons to "beat" this "foe".
@@eg-draw there is strength in overcoming. You can feel a vibrant sensation that permeates every cell of your body. This is an indication that you are on the right path. The most important art to master is yourself. Praise GOD
I turned my attention to helping others for years, and although it stopped me thinking about myself (and stopped me from working on myself), ultimately it put me in a worse position because I did way too much for others, not doing enough for myself. Also, certain people took advantage of this, for way too long, and I more or less worked for free for a number of years for a couple of people, betting their situation at the detriment of my own. How do we draw a line here? I guess it comes to boundaries, which is a whole separate thing. Without one I guess you can't have the other right?
Totally agree Benj: it's just seems to be human nature, that the more you give the less it's appreciated, and the more that person wants. Like you, I feel like I've done way too much for other people which is what brought me here, so I'm definitely not taking that advice!
I appreciate you and the fact that you care and take the time to actually listen without judgment, criticism or pity. Makes it safe for a person to open up and hear what you have to say, which enables one to be transparent, vulnerable and proactive without the self-loathing, shame or guilt, but with dignity, compassion and encouragement we are able to understand ourselves and our shortcomings and as well as our positive traits. With this understanding, there's an uplifting energetic motivating desire to make one's life better. Your kindness and expertise bring hope.
Thanks so much Segovia family life. That's how I want you to feel watching my channel and commenting. Thanks for reaching out and commenting. All the best in making your life better. 🙂
D a r l e n e I’m glad you have more self-awareness now. And thanks for watching my videos. I’ve had a few requests for this same topic and I haven’t known how to start yet because how you support someone depends on the situation it’s not as though there is a standard five step approach. But let me think about it and see what I can come up with.
@@DrTraceyMarks I have gotten more therapy & help from you than all my psychiatric journey of 49 years!!! I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and too naieve & uninformed to know how to research it. Not one professional explained my mental illness to me & I've literally lived in darkness since age 15. THANK you so much for your videos. They've helped make my life so Much BETTER ❤️😘❤️ Follow you religiously now.
I often find myself feeling like people hate me... or at least that they would rather distance themselves from me. It’s so hard to just have a conversation. Earlier in the shower, I found myself wondering why people treat me this way and asking myself what was wrong with me.
I find a blame the internal mindset approach (aka. it's your own fault) short sighted in that both acute and structural/systemic oppression and violence are real things and no amount of "positive thinking" will erase that. "You chose to respond" is heartless when a child is beaten, a gang beats someone for fun, a bomb drops on your house and destroys your family, you are raped, forced to kill innocent people, poisoned by a chemical plant, etc There is also very good data that if you are beaten down as a child enough then it will have lifetime impacts that are real and persistent. There are also studies that show that those who are depressed actually have a more realistic view of reality than the non depressed; in other words the non depressed go through life with rose colored glasses on. Hence, a person with a clear eyed reality based assessment that is "negative" could say that most others who have an unrealistic positive mindset are foolish Pollyanna's--in other word's most Americans.... The world and even America is a very hard place for the sensitive and the vulnerable; it is a place with much more brutality and injustice than anyone will admit to in their own minds for it would mess with their rose colored cognitive dissonance that allows them to function in such a system.
this is very true, but i don't think this video was directed towards people with serious trauma or mental illnesses - rather those who find themselves slipping into a victim mindset every now and again and do not take responsibility for their own choices.
I agree, I wish she had taken a little time to explain who this video is for specifically, and not addressed all who may battle with "victim mentality" the same. There are those who have this mentality who haven't experienced horrible traumas and just struggle to heal and move on. Then there are those who do have horrible traumas and this will not work for them. This needs to be addressed.
@@MultiSignlanguage agree. Victim mentality and being a victim of child sexual abuse for years on an end takes years to get through. "Get over it" and "get over your victim mentality" aren't really helpful for those kinds of victims. I'm a victim of child abuse and have CPTSD and have had years of therapy. There isn't a simple fix. And it will always be with me. Am I happy some days? Yes. Have I worked long and hard on making a better life for myself? Yes. Do I have a "victim mentality"? No. Not really. I don't even understand the wording. Sounds discriminatory towards real victims. I think she means people who went through life with relative ease, with no accidents, no abuse, no real danger....but insist they are a "victim" because of everyone else and blame everyone and everything for every one of their problems. I'm a victim. But I don't blame everyone and everything for every one of my problems. The use of the word victim is really confusing for many. I wish it was never overused or transformed into wording like "victim mentality". I can work on my life goals and work on problems that are associated to me being a victim of child abuse. The victim mentality is a way for someone to constantly harp about their problems in life without actually trying to get better or work on life goals. I know some people that sit in coffeeshops and complain about water leaks in their apartment or how someone didn't buy them a coffee. And they are a victim of the water leak and cry and moan about it on a daily basis. I tell them I was abused and if anybody....should complain it's me. But, I don't. Because I did the work. And they don't see the difference. My abuse story versus their leak is not a valid point for them. They are still sitting their pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for their leak or their trip on a sidewalk or a bit of spilt coffee by the waitress. Why? Because they want the leak fixed for free. They want the coffee for free because the waiter spilled some. They want compensation for any minor or small issue bestowed upon them by the universe. They never stop. Example: "Oh, sir. You could have spilled that coffee on me and I could have gotten third degree burns. I mean that is unsafe. Maybe if you give me that coffee for free I will forget about having you written up or fired." And that's how they enter every bar, restaurant, household, job....etc. Looking for free stuff by playing the victim. Act. It's an act.
I definitely have a victim mindset. Everything that goes wrong or doesn't go my way I blame the other person for being included inconsiderate. If anyone doesn't like me I begin to feel unwanted like when I grew up. I'm needy because I crave praise. If it doesn't come automatically I have a way of reminding people. “Hey, didn't I do good today?”. I hate being alone, and believe in bot good enough. I would like to stop this mindset and free myself because it's dragging me down.
My girlfriend constantly gives me pep talks and I finally decided to research what my victim mentality means. I realize how much work I have to do in order to get to a better headspace. I'm reading the Bible for the first time. And I'm focusing more on doing things that make me happy rather than focusing on the scenarios I create in my head. I want to start doing things that make me feel good to remind myself of who I am at heart and really push myself to change my physical appearance. I've been skinny my whole life but haven't tried to seriously bulk up. That's my own fault and I own up to it. Now I can start somewhere and hopefully this leads to more things changing for the better with my life
Bible isn't great choice to someone who wants to escape being victim. The whole point of monotheistic religions is make you good and submissive little slave.
Notes: 1. Everything seems to be negative. 2. You ask yourself why a lot. 3. You mull over things a lot. 4. You don't think highly of yourself. 5. You always resolve in anger. Overcome: 1. Create small goals ("good things happen to me) 2. Giving others ("show love for others") 3. Make a gratitude list. 4. Get over past mistakes. Put it behind you. 5. Take ownership of yourself.
I know you made this a long time ago but I just wanted to thank you. I’m going through the hardest time in my life and I’ve found myself falling into this mindset. I recognize that I need to talk to someone for the trauma I’ve experienced but I can live in a better space mentally and help myself in so many more ways than I realized. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and hope with us. The world needs so many more people like you. 🙏🏼❤️
Everything you said is me. Two days ago I realize I have to work on stopping the play victim or victimized game. The way I see it hurts others because of my actions and it's so bad. I want to say this helped me in so many ways. You're so right it is gone be a long process and gone take time. I'm going to talk to my counselor more about this. Thank you. God Bless You.
What makes me uncomfortable is just that it always feels like both the blame and the responsibility get put on the victim. And it's just not fair. But my question is how do we prevent ourselves from being a victim in the future when the world is full of people who will get away with harassment
My husband died a couple of years ago and my daughter is off in grad school and sometimes it’s easy for me to forget all the joys and blessings and successes in my life So thank you so much for the reminder. I love your videos.
I'm in victim mode at work. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave the job on the other hand I feel like I should fight the injustices that I'm faced with. I work at a place where cliques and brownnosers thrive. I'm reserved but also versatile so I speak to everyone and of course there are those I am more prone to interacting with due to shared job responsibilities but I don't make it my duty to exclude anyone from my " circle". My manager seems to be in a clique of her own and mostly appreciates and respects the opinions of co-workers who cozy up to her waaaaayy more than she does me. It even looks like they get less responsibilities as well. I'm really unhappy with that establishment to the point where I'm questioning my career choice. I have been using the why bother attitude but that only seems to make things worse. I'm demotivated,sick, tired, late, absent and I just want out sometimes but I need the money. Sigh
See your job as a challenge that you get through everyday and that you’re a baddass and strong person. If you do decide to leave do leave because it’s all about how you can move forward now. So there’s two things to change your environment or you change your perception within that environment
I have a son you keeps reliving something that happened several years ago it traumatized him to the point of he thinks they put a curse or controling him. He does have anxiety but almost like ptsd never thought like this before we tried everything. Cant get out of mind dr put him on every kind of meds. Now drinks alot because of it. Never drank like this either. I'm dont know what to do anymore. I think he needs hypnotherapy. What could this be. At a loss. Desparate mother
I’ve been working on cognitive behavior therapy for years. It’s hard work every day but I keep pushing myself.thank you for the honest answers to mental health concerns. Thank you I’ll listen again
How do you even start? What do you do if it's a valid feeling because of having many traumatic experiences and being victimized (molested, raped, bullied, looked down on, financially unstable, wrongfully fired, and more) throughout childhood and adulthood? Along with being diagnosed at different times with major depression, anxiety, bipolar, and adhd? Would this still work?
I have been binge watching your videos. I have learned a lot about myself by watching your videos. I just want to say thank you very much for the work you do and for these videos.
This was such an eye opener for me. My mental health really hit the lows this year and I've been on a journey ever since. This will be the most healing for me after seeing this video 🖤
Fascinating. I used to tell my subordinates who were constantly being badgered by the staff about their schedule to "Be a Mirror, Not a Sponge." Don't soak up the negativity but mirror back to those who are distressed.
Guilty of #3!! I catch myself when I start doing that, and generally will go for a walk or do something physical to break up the thought pattern. Social media can really throw gasoline on #5. Oh boy. So I unfollow people who (through no fault of their own) make me feel bad about my own journey. You really do have to focus on running your own race, but that is often times easier said than done. I will purposefully leave supportive and kind comments for people who make my jealousy spark to keep myself in check. In fact, I do go out of my way to be extra nice and supportive of people online. That will help me break a negative pattern. And getting the new cat to take care has really been great! She really needed (and still needs) a lot of extra love and attention.
Good for you to proactively leave kind comments to counteract the jealousy. Facebook can be really depressing. Are you going to post your cat on instagram? Maybe put her in one of your youtube videos?
I catch myself when I'm being negative and address it right away. I won't say it's always easy, but it is the right thing to do. As far as Minnow the kitty goes...when she's ready I would love to show more of her. She is in my stories a little each week. I think I'm going to do a video showing the method we used to help her socialize to us. It was a very difficult couple of months and I thought several times that she would have to go back to the people who were rehoming her. It was stressful and not fun for any of us. But I have people on Instagram with experience working with feral cats and they helped me get through it. She's better and better every day. So before the setup comes down, I think sharing what we did could be helpful to other people.
Couldn't this be BAD advice for a person with C-PTSD? Some people feel deeply sorry for themselves, but don't have all of thse symptoms. For example, they may be happy for their friends success, and feel grateful for what is going right in their lives, but resent things like chronic illness and personal suffering.
Thank you for this video. I've found myself frustrated with the plight of "Why don't I do the things I want to do?" and "Why don't I follow through on the things I say I'll do?" and this seems to be it. I'd love a video on that topic, by the way: why we don't do things we want, whether it's related to career or hobbies.
growing up i had a savior complex, my parent was a narcissist with a huge victim mindset and i learned to play therapist and friend to her. when i moved out and became independent and learned of my trauma, i found myself developing a victim mindset just like my mother. it’s a hard chain to break but im determined
My parents took me out of situations that I found difficult and didn’t create strong boundaries with me. It recent years I have had many “ Nos’ “ and I must be honest, I have been feeling like I am a terrible person, and thinking that I don’t deserve good things. I know I need some help. These feelings are really affecting my life, and I have been in victim mode. Thanks for this Dr. Tracey, it is extremely helpful!🙏
I recently realized I have the victim mindset......but none of your descriptions fit me.....Except the mulling over past hurts in my mind....I get flashbacks....and nightmares.....So its not as simple as dusting my self off....and holding my head up.....I feel as if Im still that little kid that all those terrible happened to....I want to know how to stop feeling that way....
I appreciate your support. I was a victim of circumstances in my past and it destroyed my life till now. But now that those people are out of my life, many times still replay the same victim in my head over and over again. No idea how to stop it.
Usually discussions of victim mentality and victimhood in general *never* goes this well. It always devolves into victim blaming and apathy, and usually conflate victim mentality and *literally* being a victim of something, and makes them both bad. So whenever I hear someone talk about victim mentality, I'm always wary, because they're almost always incredibly insensitive.
I love watching/listening to your videos, really helps me understand what I am going through without having to see a therapist (not saying therapists I bad), but thank you for making content that is easy to understand and is accessible. I especially love that I can put words to what I am feeling and how to go about it.
I think we all do it at times. Feeling sorry for yourself. American society cultivates it. Self pity is a warm fuzzy blanket, that gains you NOTHING. Its an ambition killer, an excuse to not try.
This was an amazing video! I definitely have a victim mindset and seeing that I need to change it immediately. You gave great tips on how to do just that. Thank you again. It is greatly appreciated.
The Lord’s Prayer Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen Shalom.
doctor, I was wondering.. what are your spiritual beliefs? Are you a Christian? I'd not. what are your beliefs spirituality.... Just curious because you were very balanced and give great advice. God bless you!!!!!!
Dr. Tracey, you are fantastic! This is the first video of yours I am seeing, but I can tell I want to hear more and more of you! Thank you so much for your channel and for your amazing work, helping people in this profound way!!!
Great keep watching. I talk about lots of mental health topics. But if your more interested in self help topics, then here is my self help playlist. ru-vid.com/group/PLazcP3-djRZ2h4Rc-j6CsGGvPVgXdK6fr
I feel this list would only lead to a downward spiral if one’s self worth is based on their achievements. What happens when one fails at those goals or are not appreciated even when you’ve met other people needs by giving I would like to feel good about myself whether i fail or succeed, appreciated and acknowledged or not. To enjoy my humaneness, knowing who i am , by knowing Who’s i am….my Creator
Well... 1. Even the smallest goal can fail if the fate wont allow it to succeed. 2. An empty husk have nothing left to give. 3. A list of sarcasm wont do any good. 4. Closuring past hurts wont help when they keeps stabbing the open wound. 5. What kind of powers does one really have when one is stigmatised and demonised by the whole society? Become a hermit?
Hi Dr. Marks, can you make a video on how to let go of a grudge? It's happened to me for the first time in my life and it's an awful feeling. It's lasted already over a half year (although as time passes, it gets a bit better). And it just doesn't work the way everywhere is presented, forgive and let it go. I I can't bring myself to not feel something I do feel, it would be cheating myself. Of course I have a lesson for the future to stand up for myself if needed, but that's for future and what happened, happened. PS, I'm sorry for my English, I'm still learning.
The ‘victim mentality’ thing frustrates me so much. Victim of what? If I acknowledge that my friendships tend to fall apart or if I don’t think highly of myself, how does thinking the opposite change anything? I’m just being realistic and seeing my situation clearly. Mental illness comes with symptoms and none of them are very good. Being bipolar with adhd makes me hard to like for very long and I didn’t get any of that mystical creativity that people talk about 😅. I don’t get how acknowledging that means that I have a victim complex.I don’t believe in magic or manifestation. Good things don’t happen just because we wish very hard or delude ourselves. I have to be honest even if it’s depressing at times.
There is good information in the video, to be sure. However you do seem to be overlooking situations where an individual is an actual victim of something/someone. People struggling in the bottom two levels of Maslow's hierarchy. People trapped in an abusive situation out of necessity. It is also a bit of an exaggeration that people can't cause to you feel things. If a dangerous person pulls a knife, or a gun on you, you are going to feel a certain degree of fear. If something tragic happens to one or more people who are central to your life, it will effect you. If your partner dumps you, you lose your job, your house burns down, your car gets stolen, you dog runs away, and get run over by a mac truck, all in the same afternoon, it will most probably impact your mood. It would be more fair to say you can choose who to think about what happens, than you can choose how to feel about it. (Yes, I am aware that 'feelings follow thoughts', it is just that when you make a blanket statement like 'no one can effect how you feel' you sew the seeds for a situation where a person, after being exposed to (one or more) severe situations, and has a negative emotional response to it, then goes on to feel bad, about feeling bad, because they failed themselves by allowing someone else to effect how they feel. I think it is very important that people give themselves time to feel grief when they have had a loss, or to feel upset if they have been treated unfairly, in much the same way they are allowed to feel joy when something wonderful happens. I don't see it being anything but accurate for an actual victim, to have the experience of being a victim, if, and when, they are a victim. I would certainly agree it is critical to isolate that incident, as best as one may, from other aspects of one's life. In retrospect, I suppose what I am proposing here, could be described as 'the middle path'.
@@DrTraceyMarks One tries to be helpful, as best one can. It is certainly encouraging when attempts in that direction as taken as such, rather than attacks, as is sometimes the case.
trexpaddock I think the Dr. is speaking of a persistent mindset and not the times in life when we are victims and find a way to move on. We don't stay in victim mode forever. Some people are so stuck in victim mode they can't see any of the good in their life.
Not one of your best videos. I love your content but a lot of people already give to others in order to not focus on their own difficulties. That “giving to change focus” pattern does not help in evolving from the victim mind frame. Another common trait for people stuck in the victim mindset is avoiding or cutting off people continually that they don’t feel appreciated or understood by. So the minimizing time with people who make you feel bad doesn’t address that they will feel that way with most relationships because what they lack are actual skills to break out of the behavior that leads to the results reaffirming their victimhood. Emotional maturity skill, identifying your own needs and clearly communicating them, meeting your own needs in many cases…
But... How can I ever make a change if I always get offended by people telling me the truth of what I need to do? I don't know what's worse. My victim mentality or my fragile ego. Oh, well... I guess suicide is indeed the solution for being stuck, after all.
Some people in this world don't even have the luxury of the time to have a victim mindset. Lack of clean water, reliable food, any quality of life. Let's count our blessings.
Very helpful videos thank you very much I do have to laugh although when you use the term hit your reset button, I'm just commenting for fun I'm not being critical. If I had a reset button I wouldn't be watching these videos your videos and struggling
@@DrTraceyMarks That is true. But what if your idea of love is conntected to a high value of the other's opinion?And a emotional distance hurts yourself too. Because you love the other. What can you do then?Thank you for your response. Your videos are a belssing!
Make your self esteem based on your values and not what people think of you, what you do, look like or have. This way as long as your actions and attitude is set in your values you will care less about it. And keep in mind that often people who critisize you feel threaten by you, they try to bring you down to feel better about themselves so you know that they are actually thinking you are better than them. Often what I say is it's your opinion you have the right to believe it and dont show that you are affected by it.
People with childhood trauma can be more vulnerable to developing depression. I have an upcoming video in January on complex PTSD, which is something that can happen as a result of childhood trauma.
@@DrTraceyMarks Doctor... I just recently got out of a 5 year relationship with someone and she put on my Plate that she had been Molested from a early age bye a family member.. That she continues to see from time to time!! I don't have a Doctorates degree,but I do have a degree in Psychology.. I Express to her over the years this has definitely brought on PTSD,DEPRESSION And Probably more systems... Fast forward to a falled marriage that was Mentally Abusive didn't help either... I Express to her over the years that it's probably is going to take a lifetime of Therapy!! I just want to know what's your take on it? Thanks
@@secondopinion53 I agree it will take professional help to work through this completely, maybe not a lifetime though - especially if it is one abusive relationship and not multiple traumas. If she sees a good therapist, one trained in trauma specific treatments, she may experience big changes within 6 months - few years depending on the severity of the problem and they type of therapy she gets
@@DrTraceyMarks I love your channel! I have seen almost every disorder dealing with my past relationship... Not only that I was born in Flint Michigan one of the murderest cities in the US! Where is your practice located?
What happened with my parents when I came out to them has made me stuck for 1.5 years. I know that my problems are legit, but my response and living in resentment is making me miserable and drawing on a long, long depression. I hope to reach resolution with this and begin living again. I am wondering if “living in resentment” is the same as “victim mentality”? I think so…
Its very difficult to break that mindset when you are told that its okay to be a victim or thats what its supposed to be . Coming from a familu with an abusive father i learnt alot of bad things as a normal reponse form my mother too i donot blame her but it created my victim mindset that its will "reward" me somehow ... i know it will not
Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for this Dr.! You have really broken the shackles off for many people to rhythm of negative thinking in the victim mentality. Unfortunate circumstances happened to everyone, however it’s How we respond that makes a difference between success and failure.
Staying stuck in a victim mindset, keeps us out of the driver’s seat of our lives. Life is better when we can find some (any) personal power and determine our destiny moreso.
Thank you for your explanations & tips. I have been doing inner child healing and recognised I take on a victim mentality with certain people. Some deep soul searching and as you suggested, ‘Look at what draws me to ... ‘ I can see my patterns are same as my mother who had unresolved inner child issues herself. Now that I am aware, I am forgiving self for this unhealthy behaviour. I am taking ownership and have made an actual BIG Red RESET button that I can push. I remind myself I can Do better! Thank You again!!
I like the way you stated that the victim mentality can be prevalent in one area of your life...mine is physical health because of long-term pain and the loss of soooo much as a result such as: job, mobility, freedom, independence etc. The encouragement to seek help is spot on...I'm seeing a Psychologist and I'm thankful for the help 😊
do you have advice for those of us with short fuses//get easily annoyed by people/interactions? i find this usually goes hand & hand with victimizing ourselves and is something i want to work on because i am constantly feeling let down or bothered in a lot of interactions with others...thank you!
This has been a really helpful video I often come back to. Ive realised my eagerness to get out of the victim state is actually also being a victim too lol, catch22. Being grateful for my small improvements has been a challenge but im slowly switching my focus.
No one who actually plays victim is going to take this advice. If you don’t show care for them, they’re just going to feel shamed. They might change their behavior, because who likes being shamed, but you’ll probably leave them feeling terribly
This video is gem. And it seems I've already started to come out of victim mindset before I watched it. And btw I am a real victim of abuse, but I don't want to be in victim mindset. One thing, I cannot do anything about is constant ruminating, it seems I cannot stop, I always catch myself doing it.
