Do you recognize any of these six signs in your relationship? What dimensions of compatibility are most important to you? Leave a comment and let me know! And we can create more content like this.
I know Im randomly asking but does anyone know of a trick to get back into an instagram account?? I somehow lost the login password. I would appreciate any tips you can offer me
oh yeah, DON"T MISS OUT! Don't miss out on someone who will make you question everything when they don't react to your affection. DONT MISS OUT on only getting a feeling of closeness when they do the BARE MINIMUM. don't miss out on someone who will detach and retreat when you need them most. DONT MISS OUT GUYS!!!!
Yeap , I can understand the avoidant behaviour to a point and degree . However I believe that most avoidants need to do a lot of healing . Many of them are the way they are as the result of the way they were treated by their parents or those who raised them. I could describe my relationship with the avoidants as getting crumbs and too many head games , these people don’t even know if they love you or not when love is not just a feeling but the way we treat each other out of care and empathy . I also found that many avoidants starve the relationship from proper healthy intimacy as well as many of them seem to have some sort of pathological narcissistic traits where they cannot feel for their partner . For those who fall for the avoidants , when they dump you or give you crumbs remember you are worth much more than that . Those folks will go on with their life being lonely and most likely will bounce from a person to person unless they realize the folly of their unhealthy behaviour
Heads up if they still live with one or both of their parents interacting with them on a daily basis can make the DA even MORE avoidant. Re triggers them nonstop. Also: Avoidant people suffer the most when the relationship ends. Even if it was one of their typical "I'm going to use you as a human sex robot and than discard you after 3-6 months flings" Avoidants suffer with extreme jealously when the ex partners move on. They have intense emotions for love and intimacy and connection and repress all of them. They are terrified of these feelings and are largely unaware of them. Emotional exploration and closeness isn't safe to them. Not excuses, just reasons. Their loneliness will consume them. If you've ever been with a DA, I just want you to know that you are worthy, wonderful, lovable, and deserve all good things.
lm an avoidant. Please. In my case at least, l honestly feel less from me means less hurt from me too. I'm working hard to ... rebalance l guess? I'm not disagreeing with you, but l also think l have a lot to offer. It feels like you r segregating me for an evil trait. You don't even know me. 😟
Avoidant partners are like shy squirrels. If you want to feed a squirrel you can't chase after them coz they run away from you. Instead have the food in hand stay still and quiet and they come. Back to you to eat it off your hand 😁. But they wouldnt stick around to show gratitude or to be petted.
1. They break their own rules and show some internal conflict about it. 2. Expressed a need to take things slow 3. They leave you alone in their private spaces 4. They agree to make travel plans with you 5. They introduce you to their family or kids 6. Acts of service. Do they think of you in all plans they make?
WHY would I care if an emotionally unavailable man likes me? He's not getting the time of day from me. I have absolutely no desire to spend one more minute of my life in relationships where I don't get my needs met, and someone else's insecure attachment issues are their problem to resolve, not mine. I'm done being part of peoples' healing process. Come to me with your shit together or not at all.
I used to think that way, too, but newsflash- nobody has it completely together. We all have our issues. Every time I’ve had a partner who wasn’t avoidant they felt clingy and smothering- I don’t know if I’ve been had a 100% secure relationship either. Maybe with my 75 year old mentor- lol!
I think the same, no one is without a shadow, including ourselves, My mother, in her cheery positive times would say "the perfect person hasn't been born yet and their mother's dead " Have to say she's right. It is being aware of our boundaries and exceptions, what we can deal with happily and what would damage us.
Just the title is enough: "Signs an emotionally unavailable man likes you" followed by "Don't miss out on love..." With respect, I am 100% happy to miss out on ALL of the unavailable men and whatever limited bandwidth they have to transmit love for another person. I am also 100% happy to miss out on ALL the work I would have to do to get even a modicum of what I want out of a relationship with a person like this without it feeling one-sided. In fact, I'm missing out on it right now and it feels freaking fantastic.
❤️🤗❤️ This list also goes much deeper than the usual 'I'm here, aren't I' attitude of other rolling stone demystifying articles. It is so easy to gaslight yourself when this is really all you have to work with. I wish you defiant self love first and foremost ❣️✌️
What is confusing when in a relationship with an AD person is that when we are together it is the best time - I can tell how much he loves me. But in between, even though we are in constant communication (daily - photos, videos, text messages and such) he never shows any sign of affection and it can be sometimes even 10 days before I spend time with him again. He always stresses that he has no obligation to me whatsoever but when we meet he is all over me both emotionally and physically - only after watching your videos and educating myself I understand why he is like that.
I may say I behave like that, and from my point of view, closeness grants a meaning of authenticity, while long distance communication and affection seems like a fake behavior. Whenever I’m with you, I’m really with you, however, don’t bore me when I’m doing my businesses… just wait until the moment I’m able to get close again
I have dumped the man i loved so much for many years because of this behaviour.. ignoring me for days weeks or months and treating me like a stranger and sometimes even less and then comes back to ask for another chance, I stayed because i loved him and believed in his words that he just needed to take a brake away from me to “heal” and he will change but the last time i just lost all of my respect to him and knew that I would lose the respect to myself if i ever gave him another chance to treat me like that again … for the first time in my life i said no and stood out for myself I’m still broken but I don’t regret my decision
Oh my goodness! You could be me talking. Off and on for seven years and I finally pulled the plug in March. It wasn’t easy but the humiliation of being ignored so much of the time left me no choice.
So basically as usual the secure or anxiously attached have to do all the self reflection and internal legwork to see if the relationship will work out. We are forced to read into the avoidants behaviors instead of them being expected to step up and communicate clearly. Thanks, this video did make me realize its not worth it. Notice there are no comparable videos on how the avoidants can show up for their secure or anxious partners? Ex. How to tell to if your anxious partner really loves you? There isnt. Because we dont leave people guessing.
Amen....we have the decency to be honest and show how we feel..no mind games and emotional traumatizing nonsense.... I cheated on my avoident because i have no emotional connection. I am devastated that I didn't feel like a traitor...then i realized...what traitor? We have to have someone in order to betray. Please leave these people guys...gals.... you end up breaking your own spirit and moral codes in desperation for love and validation of any sort.
I’m interested in being with someone who has their shit together. Whether it’s emotionally, or whatever. If I feel at any point confused or that I have to work for someone’s love, I’m out. I’m not sticking around to evaluate their fucked up ways of relating. I’ll find someone more compatible. Thanks though.
If he wanted to, he would’ve. That’s it.. just tired of being the girl that taught these people how to love only to be left and finding through insta that they met their soulmates. Where is my happy ending. So tired of being a mechanic and healing others while breaking myself in the process. Being the anxious one in the relationship can also be toxic. But I am conscious about it and working on communicating my needs and understanding theirs. If someone is not ready to do the same. I think it’s time to get used to their absence rather than breaking your soul with their presence.
Yeah...don't sacrifice your identity or needs. Walk away from an avoidant. 😊👍 You'll feel sooooo much better. I don't have patience for them...found this channel at the end of a five year relationship with one. Dated another a month or so ago. She had a faux persona incapable of real intimacy, would never kiss back or take initiative to engage, and then there were the major chasms of cultural issues on top of it (trivial ex. her hair...omfg never again).
I am in the process of divorcing an avoidant who used the excuse of his need for privacy and space to cheat on me for 4.5 years without me knowing. The whole “you can’t look at my phone because that’s the ONE PLACE I have just for me.” In my opinion, the avoidant’s desire for privacy is too risky and I’m listening to these videos so I can avoid the avoidants.
Don't ride it out. I've spent 10+yrs TRYING to get my DA " partner" (bc we never used labels). From 32...I'm 46 and we're NO closer than we were when we 1st met. If you don't have the emotional or mental health to put up with this, don't WASTE YOUR LIFE LOVING ONE SIDED. He showed all these signs BUT always wondering and being told I'm "insecure " when I ask...too much.
Now, I don't see where she's saying to wait over a decade for something to work, particularly if the other person is actively working on it. This shouldn't take more than 2 years...
I watched an old Arnie movie and when he yelled out 'get to da choppa' I felt there was so much wisdom there. I wished I would have got the hell out of there just as quickly as Arnie!
Female DA here, thank you for being so accurate that I can learn a lot about myself freely via yt. I am finally able to keep a relationship after spending years learning how to deal with being a DA. However, the comment section is still the most hurtful part of watching DA videos.
It's the trail of broken hearts you all have left. It is EXHAUSTING. I'm sorry, I really am but I spent over 6 years in therapy becoming securely attached and even I don't have the patience long term to constantly be shut out because we emotionally connected for a day.
Her avoidance and emotional repression is the result of being married to a narcissist. I’m fully aware of the walls, but the fact that she’s been open about it is huge. We openly say that we love each other and I truly believe that we are bringing each other increasingly to a healthier emotional place. I’m slowly drawing her out of avoidance and she’s drawing me out of insecurity. (Update): I really need my life to stop being so ironic… five days later the discard happened…
He's broken his own rules. He only wanted to see eachother once a week. It became 2,3,4 times a week at times. He didnt want to talk all the tim bc he was afraid we'd get bored of eachother yet he broke his own rule to make me happy. He takes it slow. He's left me in his private space. He's made travel plans with me. Acts of service is his specialty, but I still haven't met his family.
He did all these things, but was still talking to and seeing other women on the side..... so it really didn't matter the progress I made. His avoidant behavior manifested in other forms.
These comments could greatly benefit from more positivity. Secure attachment and relationships are completely possible for everyone and I wish you all the best of luck. Thank you for your info and effort Briana!
This happened to me. I just stayed cool for a while, but after another 2 months, I told him I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship. It really got his attention. We are in our 11th month now and I couldn’t be happier.
@@nikitasolaya697 Not sure. I was surprised, because I thought I was ending the relationship. I always used a calm, matter-of-fact tone and was never critical in the slightest. If he said “You’re trying to change me” I would say I’m working on my own childhood issues (which I was). When I told him I was leaving he asked if we could talk. At first I said no, but he said “Please, “ so we met in a restaurant and I brought a list of 3 things that were deal-breakers unless fixed, and the main one was more communication. We’re still happily together after 14 months. I ask for what I want or need in a straightforward way, not thinking he owes me, just what I would like.
@@joannegild8001 that is amazing and I’m really happy for you. I want to “stay cool” for a month. Not bring up any concerns or anxieties as I know my partner gives me what I need more when he doesn’t feel pressure and he doesn’t feel I’m unhappy (basically anytime I have a discussion when I calmly express an issue he withdraws and our relationship loses its momentum for a while). But I feel if after that month I don’t see improvements on his side and I were to end it, he would then just say he feels blindsided as he thought everything was going great. (He never checks in and asks how I’m doing hence why I have to be the one to bring up these tough convos sometimes which ya like I said just disrupt everything)
This is the 180 degree flip, I had this working once myself, I was breaking up and walking away and the dynamic completely changed. The second time I did it with another avoidant partners the flip was only temporarily and it wasn't long until the old dynamic was back. I ended up showing her the door.
I love him but this is too much. I think we all need to ask ourselves if this is what we really want. I feel bad for these avoidants. Especially the ones who are not aware what they are.
Run if you meet this personality they will send you crazy. When my wife left and figured her out after 14yrs. I will never take her back way to hard and really sad way to live. Life's to short for games.
I’m done playing this game with him . Since I started to move on with someone else now the AAS guy is now calling me baby & babe saying he wants to talk about us … I’ve played this draining game with him for 2 years and now I’m totally done ✌🏽
🤣😂🤣 I am a rolling stone and other rolling stones are comfy for me. The love languages segment is so accurate! Cuddle phobe...yep. if I let someone cuddle me, I'm really letting down my guard. If you come to my home, you've hit the next level. Meet my family? You may be marriage material. And in totally understand this. Cracks me up! Two rolling stones together...if we were any slower, it would be going backwards. Relationships feel like walking on thin ice and I need one foot out the door... until I'm secure. Then I have to try not to be an open heart. Which is why I protect myself this way. And yes...words ARE cheap. I believe actions.
Leaves me alone in his apartment!! Wants to travel with me, tells me he trusts me, we spend every weekend together, stares endlessly into my eyes, yet he does go 24 to 48 hrs without messaging me... however I do not interrupt this silence. I feel like he loves me.... he acts like he loves me... I can sense his trepidation.
This is all so insane. Spent 13 years with a covert NPD. Then met an amazing avoidant. He was so amazing for 4 months. Gifts time amazing dates everything was amazing. We spoke about everything including the future. Met his family his kid. It all actually went really fast. Then suddenly he needed to slow down. Text that were daily got super weird aloof and detached. Well I reacted and called it out. That ultimately caused it to end. Now he says that he's just so busy needs to organize his life blah blah. His life is exactly as it was before I entered it and hes so rigid that I know it won't change. Yet he still wants to talk to me. I'm observing it now because its insane. I sent an article to him about this type of attachment style and he said "that sounds like me". I thought I was getting love bombed by another NPD. But now idk and idk if I have much more energy to care. I really like him but this is a new level of nutty.
Same thing, me and my person got distant because he literally ghosted when i pointed it out that his energy in mssgs is different. He popped up 3 months later telling me he's sorry and that we'll talk soon, got back to me 2 months after that but i got so pissed i rejected him, now a year and a half later we are finally slowly talking about what went wrong because we both realised we care for each other deeply and have deep feelings for each other even after everything and so much time and emotions. My advice is; dont force anything and make sure you prioritise your time. Dont be rejective if they come back but still dont cross any of your own boundaries.
Many emotionally available men will be narcissist and will string women along for years to come... If a man is hot and cold there is a high chance he may have narcissist personality disorder... There are different types of narcissist, a narcissist can't love, not in the right way... I would not entertain an avoidant partner... You will never have to struggle to know if someone loves you... You are not intentionally setting people up for failure, however if the man or woman is hooked up with a narcissist, this advice even though well intentioned from you can lead them down a risky road... Great job on your detail oriented video...
Good points. Hard to distinguish at times but this one is different from the narcissist I married. This is much more covert, and lacking the grandiose attitude. Still, you are correct - just let them go. If they aren't seeking help to overcome some of this stuff, or give no indication that they desire change you will find yourself frustrated. Can't even fully say I like the guy since I know pretty much NOTHING about him. I knew enough to WANT to know about him, but he's not about to let me in so...*shrugs*.
Conflict is almost certain with these types. Question is, do they have the skills to open up and talk about it after? If not i guess the relationship is doomed. Communication in relationships is like air for breathing. Essential.
He/she could be. But that’s out of your control. So getting lost in that headspace will only make things worse. If they’re cheating, they will eventually implode from their guilt
I was almost ready to call it quits with my girlfriend even though it's the last thing I want. She means the world to me. I realize now that she has been showing signs of major growth and I'm definitely the opposite personality type and was overthinking, possibly overwhelming her with my comments and actions
I'm an avoidant, thanks for posting this. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, it's a struggle (not always). But I see so many wanting to run away from us (who often have trauma too), but okay with running towards a nicer looking trauma. If that makes sense. Please be patient with us, it's scary and it means a lot when we try!!!
@@MAHAKALAXXXV Everyone is different, with their own struggles. I don't see why you need to come after someone just because their avoidant attachment. 😔
@@MagicApple03 let me put it this way , what you just said makes little to no sense as you put personal interpretation on what I said and no where did I indicate that I was coming down on someone avoidant . The truth be said if you are avoidant or anxious you have got some serious work and transformation and and healing to do , it is not a judgement but a fact that must be taken seriously as being avoidant results in major hurt to other people and trust me you don’t want it be on the receiving end of the relationship with someone who is avoidant . So not sure what you are talking about but please don’t put words in my mouth I did not say I don’t appreciate it . Thanks
@@MAHAKALAXXXV You said that it was a struggle, mostly because of myself being avoidant. Your 'wonder why' commentary. Just being someone is avoidant it doesn't mean that it's all on me (or any avoidant attachment person) if a relationship is a struggle or not, that is what I meant. So much of the comments are as if we are bad people to even try and be in a relationship, and it's quite disheartening. I am not mad with you or anything, trying to explain better. From what your first reply said, it seemed like that.
@@MagicApple03 hey Ky , being avoidant does not make one good or bad it just makes the person avoidant of properly being intimate and loving their partner . This can occur for many reasons such as some sort hurt or trauma that occurred during childhood , or bad relationships or some sort with former partners or a partner who may unknowingly cause one to open and then to close by being hot and cold which can also result in a protective mechanism we call avoidant attachment. This is exactly what it is is a coping , protective , self sobataging mechanism that is meant to preserve the sensitive and vulnerable side of the avoidant attached person. Anxious folks also have their baggage . I can speak for both as I was in both positions before based o. My relationships with women I was with . Some folks will being out avoidant side out of us and some anxious . However the fact that any of these patterns is a coping , protective mechanism does not change . Having many relationships with women who were avoidant dismissive or fearful who also displayed lack of empathy and excessive self centred behaviour I can say that being in a relationship with an avoidant person is hard , painful , harmful and destructive over time: it just chips at the other partner bit by bit, especially if the other partner is loyal and loving the avoidant as they are which often seems to be the case . Many avoidant folks tend to present narcissistic pathological patterns and think mostly of it only about their own needs . Furthermore telling me I said something I did not is again a weird form of head game you are pulling which as I said I don’t appreciate yet you keep on doing . If you have avoidant attachment pattern and you have been in a relationship for 7years and you say it is a struggle it does not take rocket science , both you and your partner need to get your shit together and heal your patterns and root causes of them otherwise one or both of you will end up seriously hurting at the end of it all and for what , just because you and or your partner are not doing the right work to let go of these patterns
My "boyfriend" did all of that and then started being cold and I felt insecure and needy and he broke up with me. I went no contact for 5 months and now we got back together. In that time I had a chance to study about attachment styles and worked on my self esteem. Now things are going more smoothly since I can have an empathy for his Very slow pace. He is more sexual now, but I feel him avoiding kissing. I'm trying to have patience, but still struggling to understand if I'm receiving bread crumbs again. I want him to kiss me more, without pressuring and falling into de avoidingXanxius trap again. He is a great guy, we get along fine....but he doesn't talk about feelings and the status of the relationship. And I also feel resentful since he came back into my life, like im available with no consequences.
It sounds like you've done some important personal growth during your time apart, especially in understanding attachment styles and bolstering your self-esteem. That's fantastic and will serve you well in any relationship. But it's also clear that you have valid concerns about the emotional depth and reciprocity in this renewed relationship. The absence of kissing and reluctance to talk about feelings could be signs that he's keeping emotional intimacy at bay. These might be his coping mechanisms, especially if he has his own attachment issues or past traumas. Your newfound empathy for his slow pace is valuable, but remember, a relationship needs to meet your emotional needs as well. If you're concerned about receiving "bread crumbs" again, it may be helpful to have a calm, open discussion about each other's expectations and needs. If direct conversation makes him uncomfortable, you could approach it subtly-perhaps by sharing an article about relationship dynamics and asking for his thoughts. The key here is not to pressurize but to invite conversation. If he remains unresponsive, you might have to assess whether this relationship can offer you the emotional satisfaction you need. Feeling resentful and like you're available without consequences could be your intuition signaling that your needs aren't being fully met. Listen to that. You deserve a relationship where both parties are invested emotionally and willing to work through issues together. 💖
I meet my avoidant “partner” now for 7 months. It’s a long distance relationship, so we see each other every 2-3 weeks. In the first time there was no real contact on the phone, if I bagged for it, the answer was : one’s a week should be enough. Now, we speak sometimes 2-3 times a day ( I call, but he is always kind). He wanted me to spend the whole weekend together from the beginning, and we do so for 6 months. He left me alone in his apartment and he took me to one day trips. He opened up emotional (about his struggles and anxiety), and as an anxious I had some hysterical moments and he still wants this connection, but said “ take things slowly “. Sometimes I am in his planes sometimes not that much. It’s confusing. Ones he said he need time and space, and I said I give it to him: than he called in seconds to say , he didn’t mean it like that. I hope this are good things. I really like him, he is empathetic and intelligent and has a big heart, so I am patient, but not forever.
My guy has: -Left me alone in his place and also left his phone out. -he does break his own rules for me -he has wanted to go slow -he sends me photos of himself with his family members. So far I haven’t been invited to meet anyone. He did meet my parents (to vet me) -no travel plans. But we have spent a good 8 straight hours awake together multiple times -service, touch, gift, time. Yes words are hard for him. I wrote him long letters expressing my feelings. He takes a few days of space, then he lets me know he read it by things he says. He’s very uncomfortable with words tho. He has made me dinner and lots of other things. -he is used the word “we”… he makes efforts to put his leg on mine and so things I tell him I want/need
It sounds like your guy is displaying some signs of avoidant attachment but is also making efforts to connect with you in his own way. Communication may be a challenge for him, but his actions show he cares. Keep nurturing the connection and allow it to develop at its own pace. Patience and understanding can go a long way in building a healthy relationship. 😊
My DA ex just excused himself from the relationship stating I deserved better and he was under stress. The sad part is I never felt like this I just adapted to his ways and stopped complaining and then I got left. Maybe I should’ve stayed true to myself and it wouldn’t have made a difference
They say fall back into your feminine energy and do nothing. We are supposed to be receivers and men doers. I would give him a time frame in your head and if he doesn’t reach out within the next month or so I would move on. We can’t wait for them to see our value. I’m so sorry it’s hard but we have to see what we mean to them.
Wow all of this, and the explanation behind the love language almost made my eyes wet. And yes, he is going above and beyond to show what he has a hard time saying. And good thing I value my freedom as much as value his and I am in zero rush. This journey is just too beautiful and I am learning so much.
Omg I soooo wish this video was around 6 years ago when I was so blind to all this and my anxiously attached ass broke up with my love because I couldn't handle not knowing exactly how they felt about me. Sad experience but thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad you found the video relatable. It's important to hold onto our confidence, especially in challenging situations like family dinners.
He called me before accepting an out of town gig, that made me take a step back, "wow!" The apartment scenario is relatable too, I knew it was a big deal when I was finally invited in. When I got to stay over, the next morning it did seem like I crossed a line by straightening up (I made a part of the mess, too, I felt responsible!) I was able to communicate that I was attempting to perform an act of service and that it wasn't something that should be shameful and that I wasn't snooping. I have codependent tendencies, so I am being careful moving forward. I want to make sure that we build a foundation of real trust. We spend weekends together, and decided that during the week we both want some time and space. I was worried I would dive in too fast, I don't want to continue any bad habits from my last relationship.
He has taken me one several trios with him.. yes I met his family and he gave me a key to his apartment and I have stayed there alone while he was at work.. he was very generous with gifts and cuddles alot.
When my avoidant asked me on vacation And to meet his family, I was shocked. We talked on the phone a lot or were with groups of people but rarely spent one on one time together. So I did not feel comfortable going away with him.
I finally let him go, after he said he only wanted friendship after dating. He gave me gifts yes, and helped me out a lot, and he wanted to meet my friends. He says he needs 3-4 months time in order to find out if he wants to be friends at all now after an argument
It was just the beginning of a never ending cycle for me. I am at this point now where I am scared of talking to him, idk what might trigger him and he will push me again then pull me back when I finally start moving forward with my life
Thank you for sharing your insights, Briana! I love how smart, strong and sensitive you speak and act as "my" coach/therapist. Every one of your videos I have ever watched has been helpful to me. Your work is an inspiration! I hope you and your loved ones are healthy. Sending you lots of love from Berlin! 💚
You can change you attachment style. But difficult w dismissive avoidant of f60.81 narcissistic personality disorder. You can change your attachment style w therapy. But dismissive avoidant narcissistic personality and demonstrate alexithymia (they don't know how they feel or how you feel).
I have experienced this lately and it's very confusing! Their behavior reminds me kind of like a Narcissist. I met someone that treats me like a Queen when we are present, then when I leave I barely hear from him or he says I don't need to explain to him what I doing etc. He can't give me straight answers about where this is heading, but treats me better than my husband or any other man I have ever met. It's confusing
If this man is an avoidant but seems a kind, honest person, he's not playing you. he likes you a lot and is probs striving with the ever present mantra that he can't do love "right" and it's best to give you plenty of opportunities to find something better. even tho the thought of that tears him apart.
@@psychosomatic106 The problem is the avoidant needs to believe to be successful in relationships. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. Their own doubts sabotage and rob them of happiness.
Im fearful and avoidant. In person im close. Away i fear abandonment and I am trapped with the pain of my own vulnerability and fears. So I text in an avoidant way. But thats because i am overwhelmed and scared with emotions.
Wow this is my avoidant. When we’re together he’s literally perfect. But then when we’re away it’s like the high goes down then it’s back to his avoidant tendencies. Maybe he’s the same as you 😩
@@1MrsBriJonas absolutely! That's EXACTLY ME. But in my past if I start blowing up a girls phone and texting her all the time I either look desperate, clingy, or I make a mistake and offend a gal. But if I play it safe and dont talk about sex or deeper conversation while away...then I come across as a boring texter and get friend zoned.
Yes, probably those are signs of a possible positive result. In my experience I still haven’t find out if he was avoidant or narcissist. Narcissistic surely. But after years of being delicate and patient he went in panic when I had to face the most difficult lost of my life, a tough period. Well, he started looking at girls on Instagram and then disappeared. He came back a few times, also recently. He said he has never be in love in his life, but since I am alone we could spend more time together...! I said no, thank you. There were not signs of real awareness. It is another important factor to look at: his behavior when you’re fronting tough problems of life.
That was one of the most concise videos I've watched on the DA. I wish I had known all of this 4 years ago. It would have saved me so much emotional pain, effort, work, trouble, expenses and heartbreak. And I would have been near people who loved me, and not completely alone, during this pandemic. I feel traumatized, scarred, and I am deathly afraid of relationships now.
You should be deathly scared of relationships with toxic people but not with people who are loving and accepting of you and treat you with as much love as you give off . Generalized fear is nothing but a false belief that it is all the same , in life we have to be willing to get hurt , dirty and feel all range of emotions , believing we can get stronger wiser and more loving as the result , otherwise living in a shell is not good either , we have to be ourselves and let our love shine from within and learn that most of our unmet needs come from within our heart and soul not another human being who may or may not be healthy mentally and or emotionally
He did all these steps and still backed off and went back to the beginning and now barely talks to me. I'm very sad. I know everything he did was a big deal, but he still ended up backing off. 😥
My guy did the exact same thing. I feel that it was the "love bombing" & "future faking" stage. He has backed off so much that I'm in the friend zone now (we're long distance), so I'm gaining strength to move on. I'm sad, too. Hang in there!
Me too...feel like a proposal was coming; happy and in joy...then he backs off. It's instant, and I don't do anything to cause it and no incident happens to cause it. I am in one of those weeks and I feel broken...
@@trenicejohnson15 thank you! Yes I've done a lot of research and it seems loads of men do this....it's a way to process. We just spent most of his birthday weekend together, and he did end up admitting that he had issues and knew I was lovely and generous....only two days before but was the other way around. I have to learn to be quiet during his push away spells, and not overwhelm when he's thinking. I'm just in a time crunch because I can be deported if he doesn't make up his mind soon!
So accurate. I think I screwed up my relationship whit a man I loved a lot, since I am an AP and he's a DA. He did all the things you spoke about in this video, but I didn't know that was so important for him. I noticed he becoming more and more intolerant when I was in his house for more than three days, after a month we've spent together "in heaven". I didn't understand why, it seemed to me something big was wrong, I felt sooo disconnected and I Exploded in a very anxious way, telling him I didn't know if I could endure its "dark moments". It was as if I had hit him with a knife he started raving for 24 hours telling me "tell me what I did wrong. Let's speak about facts. Why you all women don't see me if I am not at my best. I think this relationship is just an illusion". I tried to reconcile but it was even worse, when I tried to hug him he told me "I just can't. I don't know that to do, this is the maximum of connection I can offer at the moment." Then, two days later he told me "I've understood I don't want to live with a woman in my future, I don't want to build a new family. I want to share some good days together and then big spaces of solitude." I went away, telling him I respect him and myself and my dream is to build a family full of love and affection." Maybe, we could Have worked together on that differently instead of exploding in that way. Or maybe is just my attachment style speaking, which says "you lost your favorite person in the world, because you aren't capable of managing your own anxiety." So hard.
i domt think that expressing your values and boundaries, is a form of "exploding". He was open about what he is willing to offer and it definietly is not on the same page with what you are seeking in a partner.. nothing wrong with that.. but you instantly feel empathic when someone is sooo confident with being distant from love like that and it is sad.. i told my DA "i feel sorry for you" after he said " I just don't have time for you." after two years of speaking about what our directional outlook is in the future and taking things slow in the present.. just a buildup of anxiety that things are going well and it just falls apart, the fear that things are going well freightens them.. it is very upsetting.. of course you want to feel a sense of accomplishment that you and this man that is obviously emotionally unavailable feels relaxed, but that is what drives them away, vulnerability.. any speck of it scares them away and they are just soo cold and a complete stranger, out of nowhere.. very hurtful.. support and empathy drives them away. it is what it is until otherwise. that is for them to discover and prosper into
So this was 1 month ago, wow! We went on a walk yesterday and wants to be friends. He did not try and make any kind of move on me. But what is going on with this picture??! Like what do you want bro HahahH. It’s crazy. Why does he come back when I explicitly say what I want and don’t want. It doesn’t match up. He is like “I like the idea of becoming close and friends.” Wow really. Friends are the only way to go dude. Obviously you not relationship material. I don’t want one. What’s the problem?! We just sat down and talked about school, we did stretching on the bridge together. I don’t get it. Why couldn’t you be cool and chill all along, why all the drama?!? I said that to him many times. Grrrr hAHAHA. he doing too much. HahH
Wow a month has gone by, yet again. it’s like beating a dead horse, I said that to him. Now I am standing on a firm foot with that he is a waste of time. I don’t care to listen to him say anything else. It’s hot and cold bullshit, it’s just games to him; playing with my emotions. He just talks to me to just get laid and it’s pathetic. He will go to lengths to talk his way into my pants and all he is is just a f***boy. I am okay with that and checking out, for good. No more chances again !!
hummm???? according to this list, i was the love of his life... each were 10/10...multiple of them were 13/10. The thing is, that deactivation was also 10/10.
I am a woman in my 60s, a few months out of a long-term relationship. I have recently met a man who is wonderful in many ways but has difficulty complimenting me, wants to take things VERY slowly and sometimes ‘checks out’ during our time together. He is also not keen to meet my family or friends or for me to meet his and has no interest in us going away for a weekend or even spending a night together. I have just listened to your video, Briana, and am worried now, that I might be embarking on a relationship with an Avoidant man. This relationship has a lot going for it also and I am a strong, independent woman, who has a full social life and is not needy. I’m now questioning whether it’s wise to persist with this relationship, I have been badly hurt before.
He sounds exactly like the guy I've been sort of getting to know. I know I have the anxious attachment style - trying to work on it - but this is probably a recipe for disaster.
If I could go back in time 10 years to save my sanity, I would. The longer you put in the effort and patience with them, the harder it is to get them out of your head. She wasn't lying when she said a "snail's pace" lol.
Being with this type of person is emotionally exhausting & draining I couldn’t cope with my ex he did all this yet emotionally abuse me and never tell me where he is he would make me believe he was cheating on me and just made me feel miserable 90% of the time he never kissed me and always wanted money from me then pay back half of it at a later date he was so draining to be with now I’ve left he still messages everyday and I just can’t be bothered why are they consistent in textn and calls but never consistent in making the effort in the relationship or consistent in staying around or plan anything nice for us Love ain’t enough just leave them honestly I lost myself in the process I will never again let this happen
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Dear Briana I'm avoidant myself and sometimes I'm trying to be funny. I think the sarcasm that we use in Europe is often misunderstood in North America. I will try to be more mindful in the future!
Do you think he's narcissistic in any way? You just described my current situation and I'm trying to decide if he's a "nice covert narcissist" and/or dismissive avoidant??
He is so slow even though we were intimate almost straight away but emotionally he still doesn't open up after 2 months. At first I was so confused I thought he was playing me but it's a long distance relationship and I left few days after we met so I thought he would not talk to me anymore. But he's still here and I'm like wtf.. he likes surface level conversations through text, very open to talk about the future but no actions yet.. never calls me even though we love talking to each other when I call is always around 2hrs conversation. He said he never talks on the phone to anyone longer than 1min so i gues he's breaking his rules 😂When I was dating him he always invited me to his house and own room. He seems to be shy a bit. But he also seem to be just a player I really can't figure him out yet. He's a bit jealous he likes to know he has me but he doesn't really try to hard yet. I never met anyone behaving that ridiculously.. he seems to be so cute one day and the next I think he's an asshole.. but maybe he's just an avoidant type and he needs time and patience. I guess the player wouldn't be bothered for to long... I really want to understand this type of people.. it's so challenging for that anxious person like me but I find it quite fascinating how much I can learn from him
Your guy sounds quiet a bit like mine, except mine started taking me out on dates and places he’s never been before a month or two in, as I let him know that’s what I require from him. Don’t accept just being taken to his house! You need to find out more background information on him, he’s past relationships and how long he takes to get into one. Get him to open up to you gently, don’t apply too much pressure to him, this all requires a lot of patience. Mine had a 4 year relationship when he was 17, then years later a 3 year relationship which ended 2 months before meeting me. He originally told me the 2nd one took him a year to get into, but he recently told me it took him 2 years. I’ve met his family, all his close friends and went to his graduation where his parents took lots of photos of us all together. He’s brought me as a plus one to his friends wedding too. Stayed over night with his family on two different occasions. We’re currently almost a year in, long distance at the moment (5 months same city, 6 months long distance) with ocassional visits, as he’s studying in one of the best universities in the world. He’s incredibly hard working and work driven. He told me when it returns back to my city in July, and he’s settled there for a bit he’ll know where we’ll stand. I feel deeply for him so I’m going to give him til end of Summer. It’s a big risk of myself to take, I do not recommend as it comes with high amount of anxiety at times, but he treats me very well, I’m healed so I know how to handle it in healthy ways. He’s very invested and has prevented me from walking away, when I actually did he came back a week later. His best friend and mother have told assisted me to stay too. I have his mum and sisters numbers. You need to find out what this man’s intentions are and whether his marriage minded and his fears of commitment are so you can bring ease to him. You can do this, but only you will know whether he’s truly right for you or not. It’s been very difficult but I believe in myself and him. Without fail he’s never not shown up for him and never cancelled despite how hectic his schedule is. It’s your choice Ara but it’s not for the faint at heart.
Oh Brianna there are three reasons love, 7:45 about introducing to the family... If my family did not like my partner, that means I am cutting off the family. (if one loves the partner and sees it for life)... so I will wait, till my partner "a very upbeat anxious style" and I are solid, I have a very avoidant but polite private family. My family will judge them to death. Then lecture me on all the things they judge. I may have to block out the family who are brutally judgmental. If I wait, my family will see the value and the commitment more. I am a healthy / avoidant with years of practice. 🥰
What if your avoidant did all this in the beginning but now has completely shut down ? No hugs, kisses, hand holding, intimate time. Advice would be great
It is typical of avoidant. In the limerence phase (2-3 months) dopamine, serotonin produce is high, it keeps them attached and in love. After that everything goes to shi... It never goes to beginning, they are unable biologically to attach, they despise shoving emotions, it is weakness for them. They will devalue you when you want to be open and close. Not worth a try, only waisting your time. They are biologically impaired - mentally ill. In short - RUUUUUNNN :))))
Often times it takes about 3 to 6 months for the attachment narratives and impulses to kick in. At least after the honeymoon phase. You might find this video helpful. Why Is Your Partner Suddenly Distant? What to Do! ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-7ApJtE2Xffc.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Just an update, my ex DA is 60 years old now - he is trying to hoover me for the last 20 years. He is miserable in his marriage and I am happy in mine. He did not change a bit and never will. He came after 18 years ( after ghosting) as if nothing happened and wanted me to be his side chick??? Disgusting, they are so self absorbed and can not get what is a normal human relationship. That is why I said run and not waste your time for brain damaged DA :))) It is only what they want, when they want - you are just a prop or a toy for them.... And they think it is normal.
Thank you for watching in for commenting with your question. You might find this video helpful. Why Is Your Partner Suddenly Distant? What to Do! ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-7ApJtE2Xffc.html
Same. My ex DA would use work as an excuse to not spend time together. Sex and intimacy died. He was also having an emotional affair with a female friend he lived with. He discarded me after 2 years together - zero closure or nice sentiments on his end. He has given all these signs to his new girlfriend.. it’s confusing was he actually avoidant?
How about when you’ve been with an avoidant type for 5 years and still having a hard time getting them to commit to plans in the future? Or even talk about what they want? We’ve gotten to the 3-6 months out level, but talking about a 2-3 year plan is our best and required therapy. 🤦🏻♀️ (Trying to buy a house) omg! These slow baby steps can be maddening. But I know I am loved as actions are much louder than words- Glad I found your channel. 🙏
OK! This is very mind-blowing!!! He has been braking his rules for me! He has been taking is slow! He has taken me in his private spaces! This is so relieving video! Thank you!! And yes with travel!!! WOW!!!! I am going crazy with this! He introduced me to his family and told about me to his children! And even yes on love languages!
Excellent video. Only constructive criticism is the gender roles you assigned. There are PLENTY of avoidant females out there as well and they do just as much damage to men with their unconscious avoidant ways. Ok, second constructive criticism... Can someone in this therapeutic arena just once say to the dismissive avoidants... “Yes, you are a huge part of the problem here. You need to work on healing your trauma(s). It’s not ‘everyone else’ that’s the problem, it’s you. Do your work and heal. You’re hurting the very people you claim to love and want intimacy with because your inner child that animates you is TERRIFIED of real intimacy.” Please, just once, stop telling anxious and secure people how to navigate these folks and put the onus on the avoidants to do their healing work. Peace, JWK
Great points and well said. I also am tired of the general mantra of teaching others how to walk on eggshells around such a neurodivergent individual. But then again, that's the business... to give hope and sell coursework. The irony, was that if you had hired a psychologist and were in individual therapy for yourself, your therapist would straight up tell you that this person does not meet your needs and to walk away, instead of making you feel like you needed to lower YOUR healthy standards and engage in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship dynamic.
Yeap well said , avoidant individuals need to heal their root causes of their mental issues , so do the anxious as well. However you made an excellent point about how we should just let these individuals do their healing and never lower our standards for crumbs . Life moves on and we are better without these unhealthy mentally people and this is not a dismissive judgement but the truth because being with these people is so destructive and harmful I find from my experience I felt mentally depressed and unstable afterwards , questioning myself and my desire to live . I wander how many people ended committing suicide because of these unhealthy nut cases who are devoid of empathy and just abandon those who love them and I find nothing is more painful than being a abandoned , neglected , rejected , judged and dismissed when you open your heart to love another person in my case a a woman .
Possibly. Although, that type of behavior would actually lead me to ask more questions about how they show up in other ways. Because if there are other behavioral signs that might be giving you pause, it could lean towards a more narcissistic orientation. Meaning it could indicate objectification in the relationship and viewing you as an extension of how this person wants to appear to other people. There’s not enough information here for me to know. But I would keep an eye out for how they act in other areas.
Thank you for sharing your experience. And for commenting. Meeting the family means that the relationship has a new degree of closeness. Depending on how that sits with your partner, it may create some tension and anxiety, which expresses itself through argument.
We're a continent apart 4 yrs, the last 2 during pandemic so there are problems, worse when travel impossible. We're not young and hung on by a thread. He withdraws under stress and I retaliate. It's amazing we still have a strong bond and we can forgive. He's finally flying to me in June and I'm nervous and excited. Intense. Thank you.
@Meg Yes. We're still and always will be connected in one form or another. His visit was an awesome 3 months. Immigration laws in US are tough. We're trying to figure things out.
All of these applied!!! He was hyposexual and I kept asking if it was me after a year. HE said no, good things come to those who wait. Very confusing for me - and it was hard on my self esteem. I am crying reading this. He took my face in his hands after a year and said "I love you" very deliberately while looking in my eyes. 2 days later he broke up with me. He literally fell off the face of the earth for a while. I asked him what happened and he said he didn't feel chemistry... he loved me and didn't want to hurt me and he didn't think he could be the man I needed. I told him I needed time to think about it because I don't think I could just be friends after loving him the way I did. 2.5 months after I just met with him to get stuff back.
He said he panicked, got scared and ran. But he didn't ask me for another chance. I simply told him I love him, will always love him and I want him to feel safe and be happy so I was letting him go with love and light. If he ever decides to get some help so he can communicate in a way that will be healthy for both of us and wants another chance, to let me know. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had happen to me. I love him so much- but I need communicate. Everything you said was how he acted. 1 year. Not one fight. 52 weekends together. Met all family and friends and they all said they had never seen him so happy. How do you move on from that?
Yes avoidants can abstain from arguments or even deeper discussions about ones needs and feelings etc. I met the hyposexual type and hyper sexual type , in both cases I found it was steamy at the beginning only to find out they chose to distance themselves or cut me off after a short while which is to me a firm of abuse by abandonment and neglect . Abuse is not okey with me in any level so I find it is important to define abuse and self abuse , like sticking to someone who is neglectful and just judges and pushes one away as an example . We have to have clearly defined boundaries and what we are okey to settle for and not and be aware of the definitions of abuse and self abuse . It is self abusing to stay with someone who does not bother to communicate , ghosts , stone walls etc . We have to realize that it is not the other person but ourselves who put and stay in abusive relationships until we recognize that we will see ourselves as victims of some one out there who just does not love us, whilst the truth is we have to love ourselves so much more to let these people go and to welcome true love into our lives both from within and from outside. This is big lesson for many of us who came from these sort of abusive families where love was very conditional or we did not get much at all etc.
I think the way to move on is to think about how he made you feel. You yourself said that your relationship with him was hard on your self esteem. Realistically, he COULDN'T be the man you needed - he's telling you the truth. I know how hard stuff like this is - I've been there - but ultimately he's done you a service by ending a relationship that was making you unhappy.
Everything you say is almost way TOO familiar. But I worry that I only want what you're saying to be true about my person because he means so much to me. It's so hard to fight my inner conflicts between this belief that the reason we're moving at such a slow pace is bc that's what he needs before he can commit; and the alternative belief that I've wasted almost an entire year with this man who clearly has no interest in a committed, & loving future relationship with me because he rarely wants to see or communicate with me more than 1-2 times per week, I mean, sometimes he doesn't contact me for 2-3 weeks! My friends think I'm stupid if I don't see that he just doesn't want more with me! 😢
In our relationship the genders are swapped. I'm an anxious man and my partner is a avoidant woman. She doesn't have "rules" more like a comfort zone. But she regularly leaves it for me. I already met her mom, and going to met her dad next week. And we planning to go to trip with my perents in the end of march. This video is very helpful to me, becouse she doesn't like to talk about her feelings and i was afraid that she doesnt like me.
This was very helpful and at the same time very confusing. My SO and I have been together for a little over a year. My SO is a AD and in the beginning he was hypersexual and was very sexual and intimate. He went very slow in all other aspects. When it got pretty serious he changed and the intimacy regressed almost completely. I met his mother and brother but still have not met his daughter. Due to an unforeseen situation he is currently staying with me but some nights sleeps on the couch. He tells me daily he loves me and some days he "breaks his own rules" and has very deep conversations with me about life and then it's like he says "ahh" in his head and the next couple of days he needs extra space and alone time. It is a rollercoaster at times with the give and take and push and pull. I am an anxious attachment and I know I don't help all the time with my fierce need for connection.
just heard about this personality type tryin to figure out my own shit too. I think i know exactly how your hubby feels. Divorced, actually feels more like thrown away, ... is very hard for us to talk about the ... tryin to find the words. been thinking on this and whats up and why all that stuff for past 44 yrs, but mostly over past few years, will try to word it. Types like us, we love intellectual and brain stimulating stuff, stuff we can really focus on, imagine, kinda helps feel normal, or at least a part of something. When relationships come, and we do want a true mate i think, most of us if not all, because we were always kinda hangin out in the shadows and observing all these folks seemingly effortlessly interacting, having fun, dating, hangin out..... we really wanted to be included like that. And when first opportunity arises, we do fall rather hard and fast for them, but careful, very careful to try to get er ta like you back. And if there were betrayals or losses or constant echewing away, dismissing, sarcastic tone..... TONE is a huge deal in the communication, we hear things like hunters search by instinct, we are on gaurd for the tone that is gonna get on your last disrespectful sound nerve..... then ya snap. then distant for months, then work on again, sometimes counselling or trying to talk to her friends cause we don't have many, and they are far away or otherwise distant, or we don't wanna hear them preach the i told ya so kinda thing about it all. And yeah, we don't wanna look bad to those whom we care about or respect, cause we don't want them to feel badly about us. took a long time to mutually earn that respect and trust, ya know? And we are often more careful around women, but the way i think, cause sometimes can only guess what is goin on up there..... is a minefield for us to navigate without thinking about the possibility of royally fucking up in some way that we know is gonna drive us nuts trying to repair... almost a self fulfilling prophecy. We are busy up in the headspace. we got used to being comfortable with lonliness, and yeah, we are scared of bein hurt, it breaks the cosmos, and takes forever to feel like you will ever be happy or comfortable again, so we will get used to discomfort and emergency survival camping or hunting and fishin or hiking...... fun beautifuul stuff away from folks that we know we can enjoy alone. Because we may have to bloody well deal with being alone, so we have to practice out of mental self preservation and preperation for all future disasters.... even zombies if it comes to that, but we get into a rather apocolyptic mindset that we may have to survive on our own or go crazy, so prep. Hope that helps, sounds like how he may be feeling, is so hard to explain. been tryiin to identify quirks over many years to figure out.... why the hell am i so obsessed with understanding or knowing how to whatever, and memorize it for future maybe situations, cause nobody is gonna be there for ya, better know how to until you can't walk or find or catch food anymore. Hope you both have a great day. lemme know if that is anywhere close, might help confirm self observations, kinda like the pattern recognition in research and understanding. hehe.
Thanks for the vid. Helps me figure out where things went all wrong, being the avoidant, just heard about it today, didn't know there was a term for it, always thought careful hermit like... on gaurd for next betrayal or danger....lots of it sound just like how i acted, small things mean a lot, and is a lot of trust to show, gotta be wary of trust, hurts when broken too dang much...gonna check out which kind i am, i think it all started fearful type from youth experiences, then turned eventually dismissive in some areas. Gonna figure this out. Maybe will help be able to talk to kids again.
This was very helpful. These signs are very clear and measurable: I especially appreciate the info regarding meeting family. Due to the self-esteem issues I'm working on, I just assume that I'm the reason why I haven't been invited to meet family and friends from out of state. Never crossed my mind that he might be afraid of them running me off, lol. The good news is, after a slow and steady relationship of 5 yrs, he invited me out of state and I'll get to meet his gang from back home this holiday season. I'm so excited! And thanks for the heads-up regarding his possible demeanor thereafter. Found this video at the right time! Thank you! 😘❤️
Funny to ask these questions about a DA partner. Of course, the answers to them are " No", otherwise they would not be Avoidants 😌. With all my due respect. I've been thru that already and is a never ending story. Well, not exactly, because they tend to end it after 3 months! 🤷♀️
Or sooner , well let’s let them go , we are better of without these folks . Why settle for crumbs when we can have a whole loaf and the great part is we can make it within our own hearts
3 months really is the magic number hey.. guess thats when all the hormones calm down and their brain takes control again,. at least it ends at 3 months rather than any longer, would've been way more disastrous the longer it lasts.
