Dating an avoidant is difficult because no matter how kind, understanding, supportive tou are, they will still have the urge to run in the oppsite direction. Unless they want to heal, there is NOTHING you can do. It went from feeling I was in a fairy tale to feeling unheard, unseen, unappreciated and taken for granted.
They are on and off and when you ask them a hard conversation they will defend by not talking to you or whatever to avoid. I just left one I really like him but I am tired and love myself more. I told him everything in my heart and what I see us in the future but seem it doesn’t work in his heart and brain. I realize that I should leave cuz no matter how hard it tried it’s not matter for him and now I allow myself to be free from him. Looking for secure people for the next chapter.
I’ve had a very similar experience dating an avoidant partner. It was really good but with LDR she began to feel distant and it just fell off the chairs from there. Despite my efforts it wasn’t enough to help her feel more connected. I was taken for granted and even when I brought up issues where I felt unheard she victimised herself. That’s when it hit me people change for themselves. Even with all the support and love avoidant people like u said must want to heal and change by themselves
@@Dultione….unfortunately avoidant types avoid facing up to themselves, avoid taking personal responsibility and avoid doing anything about it. Best avoid them completely as they are highly destructive to relationships and to you personally. Also, unless you address the underlying reasons you attracted them in the first place you will likely attract another one. They are very hard to spot because of the ‘honeymoon phase’ and by the time you do you’re already well invested in the relationship.
They absolutely need to want to heal and I know this first hand because I am one and am currently healing. I don’t think everyone here should say avoid steer clear of them etc. everyone is different and there are people who do want to grow and change out of that type of behavior, defensive mechanisms etc. they just need to take the necessary steps. That’s looking internally first and admit what they’re doing. Small steps. Then, maybe some therapy. Figure out what could have caused it. It won’t always be spot on because it could be a few things. Yes, it is difficult but they have to want to do these steps, and you if you are up for it, must support them. Obviously if they get worse and what not, yeah leave. Not everyone is like this or stays like that forever though. It’s a journey of healing for everyone.
Me either, it just took me 10 years wasted to find out. What’s worse is he doesn’t wipe, at all! So he would start to smell I kept checking my shoes and his and really everybody around I couldn’t take that smell. Like where is the dog? and when I found this out, we just finished a shower together and sex. He scooted his bum across my sheets leaving 💩on my darn 800tc sheets!!!! 😮🤬
I've just realised that this is my ex boyfriend. I believe he really does care but won't fight for the relationship or open up. So I had to break up, couldn't handle this anymore
What did you do? , did you try talking to him about it? you need to be forceful in that area to break down the wall - trust me it works ...all it take is a bit of force to unlock it. This could have been done very easily is you actually loved him
when you met an avoidant from dating app : 1. They do love bombing, talk about marriage with you at the very beginning 2. You say lets get to know each other more 3. they agree but won't share personal matter with you 4. You are confused. You call them out. 5. They will try again. better this time. Then talk about marriage again 6., you share your personal life, you two are getting closer. You start to talk about plan and commitment. 7. Boom, they are gone
just happened to me , does she have unrealistic expectations or is she afraid of opening up that much, she seems sheltered or maybe was abused her mom is a controlling physcho shes 26 lives at home
Jes, and also wathever he promised to do,doesnt do at the end. And also he talked to marriage 4-5months in beginning, and then silence. I waited after that 4 and half yr to propose me, and proposal was strange he did not kneal, and was so strange and nervous acting. I didnt know was so young 21, and after that he back up, didnt tell family about engagement never, And now after 10 years we are not married, living together in a ahouse my parents buyed. He has traumas, and I suported him when he losing jobs, he fall in depression, and that all exhausted me.
So yeah, it happened to me a few weeks ago. she asked about my personal but hiding their own. after i asked something complicated and I tried to communicate with her about my needs, but she said, 'Stop, I don’t want to hear you. We're done.' Even when I asked her, 'Do you love me?' she responded, 'No, I don’t love you anymore.' Huff. Is there anything or any advice that could save our relationship?
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
I agree 100%. This was my 1st time dealing with a DA after 3 years divorce and it damaged me more than the divorce but I'm okay with letting him go and leaving him alone. Wish I didn't break my celibacy for his empty promises
My husband is an avoidant for sure. He will say, I’m done with you, or, I’m done with it. He sweeps everything under the rug and then wonders why the same problems pop up over and over.
Jes mine also, and every year in 17 yeras the problem goes up the surface again and again. And he said he will change but never, same old old. And how to come in marriage , he will act like that as husband also??😪
My avoidant husband and i were great when everything was going good. But as soon as there was any kind of problem of any size, he would get defensive, then offensive then be overwhelmed and curl up in the fetal position. I had to take care of everything alone that was challenging. I did this somewhat successfully for 4 years but towards the end, his inability to say anything nice about me, the projecting and the gaslighting became more than i could bare. We are now divorcing. I truly love him not i cannot love myself with him in my life.
I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I can relate to it. My boyfriend gets distant whenever I open up about my feelings and needs. He doesn't like to listen to them. It breaks my heart when he tells me that he can't meet my expectations and needs. We have been in silence for three days now after arguing. 😢
@LynneChiong are you going to be able to sustain the relationship knowing this? Just curious. I had a bf like this for 6 years, I decided to walk away, heart broken, but better off...
@@woboznz we always have a lot of misunderstandings and arguments over small things. Recently, we haven't been on good terms. I tried to break up with him, but I have this fear of being alone. I don't like feeling sad. I think I'm being numb and tolerating his behavior. I know this isn't good for my mental and emotional health, but I think I can't live without him. It sounds weird and I tried to divert it. 😞. I really want to move on but I'm not sure how and when to start.
@LynneChiong I know how you feel, I was very much the same with my ex. After I did leave him the loneliness felt profound at times, and the grief was overwhelming at times. But... guess what? You dont die, you survive! And you feel better. it is codependency, it's a Maladaptive attachment. Love may be there but it's not enough. It doesn't mean it's healthy love. Life gets better once you heal, but get a therapist first, you're gonna need support.
You are describing my relationship with my man for the past 10 years…. I was so happy not to be smothered. It appears he got away with a lot more than I thought he did…. If I had heard you sooner.. I am a secure attachment style. I made him feel safe and I kind of enjoyed that…. But I will never do it again and it’s over now.!! You are 100% spot on if anyone discovers that they are with an avoidant human please run in the opposite direction. There will be many many tears.😢
The sad thing that these people as much as they deserve to be loved will not change their hurtful and self-sabotaging behavior until they realize and decide they have to heal. And that can be really scary for an avoidant person.
as an avoidant. this is my perspective. if you tell me I'm the problem. I believe you. unfortunately, occams razors sets in. if I'm the cause of the problem, therefore if I remove the problem (me) the problem goes away and your happier. I'm not saying it's right, it's just an instinct that's hard to overcome.
It’s your behaviour that is the problem, not your whole existence or presence. They want changes in actions, because they would like to be with you. If they didn’t ask for change they don’t care about you and would have left.
Had enough of avoidant people. Best to abandon them and let them deal with their shit. No more effort from my side to such people. You cant keep giving excuses for people who had such childhoods. Sort your shit out.
@@jenniferbecca3837 yes, For a few days or weeks, until they realize their miserable life, and they cannot truly connect with someone. That’s not what any human deserves, but we can’t be Jesus saving others. They need to find help and heal instead of bringing more people to their mess. Yes, they have the capacity to be better for themselves first.
I’ve just been dumped by an avoidant partner - I was anxious because of his avoiding actions. He seemed to think I should allow him to go visit an ex and stay with her over a weekend- I said absolutely not- and was wanting me to go to counselling to deal with my anxieties!
They all do that. They do stuff like that and then say we’re not respecting their autonomy. If he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t need to spend a weekend with his ex when you’re a part of his life, avoidant or not, he’s the one that should be in therapy, not you.
My ex went on a 5 day trip with his baby mama who used to harass me when we were together. I didn't hear from him at all during their trip. Total dick move. He would constantly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Hindsight is 20/20. I will never put up with such disrespectful behavior again. I don't care how much trauma or drama a person has. It's not an excuse to treat people poorly.
Some of us are actually ethical avoidant and will tell people straight up that we don't want to pursue a relationship because we know how we think. However, most of the narcissists I've ever met aren't avoidant, and they're doing more damage to others.
Avoidant people withdraw to keep peace. “Normal” people dump all their crap on us and we don’t know how to say no without hurting the “normal” person. Avoidant people are brutally aware and super empathetic.
This is my wife. Right now she's pulling away from me after a recent tragedy of losing my family. I have acknowledged her need for space, but she has refused to work together to repair our relationship. I have been struggling with the loss of both my parents and my sister and her need to run from me just adds to my loss. But I have been working on getting better and am very in touch with my emotions and past trauma. I think it is scaring her because she can not acknowledge what she went through as a child. This video was very helpful in understanding her own struggles.
Im so sorry you are going through this. Avoidants bolt when you need them most and its devastating.. Bereavement councilling really does change your life. I wish you well in the future and hope you divorce that no good muppet. May yur parents rest in peace 🙏💔
Dude i felt this in my bones. I lost my family due to cutting off toxic ties and my wife is also avoidant. I her mind she's fine, but in my mind I'm incredibly lonely. I cannot talk to her or touch her without any fear of being called needy or without her gaslighting me by saying "all you want is sex" bullshit. For the life of me I cannot connect with this woman, and every single time I reach out to try, it backfires. So I am lonely pretty much every single day of my life. And it sucks so bad because my wedding day was the happiest day of my entire life. But now I feel it's the worst decision I ever made.
So sorry for your loss. Sounds heartbreaking in more ways than one. I am kind of new to this channel & still learning about avoidant types (my bf/ex bf fits the description 100%), but I always thought a spouse - who's supposed to be your life partner & best friend - would be there for you in your worst time of grief. How sad!😢 I hope she's in counseling to deal with any past trauma or issues causing that behavior & that you get the emotional support you deserve.🙏🏼❤️
@@smokingcrab2290Your situation sounds very tragic also. I hope you both can find a way to communicate openly with each other about your needs & goals for the relationship. Have you considered a marriage/couples counselor, together or separately? An objective 3rd party is often helpful by asking questions that get to the root of the problem and may have good strategies to get your wife to open up (& see from your pt of view if necessary). Sometimes we don't really listen or understand those who are closest to us til an observer points something out from a different perspective. Best wishes!
If you have Showtime I recommend watching the series "Couples Therapy." I enjoyed it (regardless of my relationship situation then). The clients are all unique with different issues, and you really get to know & like them throughout the season. Even the hard to like ones.😉 The therapist is amazing & made me wish I lived close enough to see her. *Great to catch a glimpse & ease your minds in case you've never been to a therapist/counselor.
I was in a relationship for 3 months with an avoidant, at least i think she is. She was emotionally available only at the beginning but as we progressed she started to turn hot and cold. Worst part is that most of our time that we have spent together we had a blast. But when she would be solo at home she would let the fear win over her. After 2 months she told me that at times she wants to give birth to my children and at next time that she doesnt know is she feeling anything at all. I kept my cool and gave space to her but as the days were passing by, I started to back off slowly too cuz i wanted her to step up. One day she said she doesn't feel anything and we broke up. She said i was the most gentle bf and that she had the most laugh with me than anyone else, plus that im pretty as picture can be. It all left me really questioning how didn't she fell in love, until i found out that she probbably is avoidant. I respect her wishes and I m greatfull that she didnt span this any further, probbably because she saw that I'm too good to be played with. I still miss her and I hope she will find peace and love, with or without me.. lowkey i still hope for her return but I don't think that will happen. Currently it has passed month and a bit and she hasn't texted or called. We bumped at each other few times and I felt chemistry behind it but I might aswell just be fooling myself. Worst is she bumped into my good friend that she hasn't saw for like 10 years ( they went in same class in highschool ) and she knows we good.. also she was good with my cousin in the past and they also havent seen each other in 3 year and they met not so long ago via some friend that they both have. From what my cousin told me is that she can see that my ex respects me and that she doesnt even know if she wants a family and that she knows that i want it and had to finish it off.. life just sucks sometimes. She isn't that bad of a girl morally but is fucked from her traumas, but at least respectfull, which makes this thing for me lot harder..
I had the same ex. This hot and cold is one from the disorganised or fearful avoidant. I've spoken to a few others with the same girlfriend exes and they are always exactly the same. One day they just say there's no connection and push you away, and simultaneously telling you you're amazing or whatever good things. It will drive you insane with the mixed messages and breadcrumbing. No amount of love you are going to give is gonna change them. They generally aren't accountable and do not want to self reflect in order to figure out their behaviour because it brings the childhood wounds to the surface. The vast vast majority of avoidants will not and do not change. The few that come online into this kind of space come on and blame the anxious attachers or rationalise their maladaptive behaviour. Take it from someone who has went through it and know a few other men who have went through the same. Its not worth it, the only way you can 'keep' the relationship is by abandoning them, and they will turn around and come back for a bit. But don't be fooled, the moment you turn around and start to be emotionally vulnerable again they will run. You don't really have a relationship, you have a cat.
@@johndoe8923-k2d My ex would probably fall into the category of fearfull avoidant. Since the begining she would constantly have irrational fears which at first I combated well and she would often express her gratitude how logical one I'm in our relationship. But it was short living, since those fears are deeply rooted in her. Her father is the main source of these problems since she wasn't getting any love, he also cheats his wife from the day they got married and was heavy drinker in the past and was never around, till this day he isn't. Mother stance is wierd too, she lets him bang her even tho she knows very well what hes up too, isnt the best lighthouse either. Her brother turned to be bump and lowlife criminal with a 2 kids and divorcee. When you get all these things into account, no wonder she's like that. I pray for her salvation but will not put myself into a position of a healing monk. I'm sorry you had to go through someting simmilar. You couldn't explained it better, it really is like dealing wih a cat. I hope you have found someone who reciprocates and if you haven't I'll pray that you will. Thanks for your time, wish you all the best ❤
Relatable, my ex broke up with me but we stayed friends. Then we became close again and started cuddling and shit. Then she pulls back. Then she kisses me and tells me she loves me and a month later she tells me she cant see us be anything other than just friends. These people are self destructive as fuck
@@LanPodder They are, I thought i was insane and overthinking and doubting the shit out of myself until i found out about attachment theory. First time ever i was driven to anxiety in a relationship.
Great video Briana … I had an avoidant boyfriend 6 years ago - met someone new after we ended , and now am happily married to a secure guy. This video makes me think about all the stress and anxiety I went through with him , and appreciate my new husband ! 😊
My soon-to-be ex-wife left the greatest relationship I've ever heard of. I wouldn't take her back for any reason. The pain she's put me through is too much to chance repeating.
This video just totally explained my ex. After 17 years of hitting my head against the wall trying to have a normal life with her I had to let her go. This has been a relief on my personal well being. Thank you.
@@budatrox9171 Hi ,Im sorry for what you got through. We are also 17 years no marriage ,he is avoidant im secure. Did your partner ever changed after that all. My doesnt want to get to therapy or work on himself hes just routine ans comfort zone
This was really helpful. 6 years of this. Until I realized this was toxic and I wasn’t being true to myself. Especially after asking him if he was open for a chat through text and him ignoring me and I haven’t heard from him in a month. He was calling me twice a day (prior)And we caught up every other weekend. But NEVER met his family. And he declined most social events. Asked him to join me for a family lunch. Usually doesn’t respond with ANY answer……….. The questionnaire at the end was my validation. Thank you!
This is the first time I've heard anyone reference an avoidant acting with a heightened nervous system. It's really enlightening to know that you can still reach someone who identifies as an avoidant, if they want to be reached, of course.
My ex and I grew up together. In highschool, it became known that her father sexually abused her. We were best friends growing up. After highschool, we went our own ways and list contact. Due to social media, she found me 5 years ago. We dated for two years. Everything was great in the beginning. Once the serious talk began, which she kind of started, she suddenly withdrew. I was always comforting, kind, loving and supportive. It didn't matter though. She just grew cold and distant with no explanation as to why. I have struggled for the last 3 years with the heartache. Knowing what a DA is, has helped me get answers to questions she has never given me
Me and my partner just broke up and she was avoidant. It just hit this peak where eventually she couldn't deal with herself anymore and she broke up with me. I wasn't ready for the relationship to end because i love her, but it's for the best. She doesn't feel the same way anymore and she doesn't think she can grow to be healthy while being in the relationship. So we're over and it's time to move on, even if it hurts.
@@unqualifiedprofessortanuki1757am in a similar situation too.. in the end the avoidant just builds a wall and pushes those closest to them away especially the partner
It’s been said by attachment experts that attachment healing is done within an active relationship container as opposed to “alone / working in self / not being with someone / whatever else acoidats say. There’s actually a quote I have grkm an expert On it to show my (now ex I guess). Good kicking concocting her go that lol m about it I’d love to 😮
I’m so sorry for your pain. The emotional crisis life puts you through is horrendous. As an avoidant myself, I can share this: you learn to rely on yourself so much that you just feel frustrated at yourself for not being able to let go and just ask for help. You just lie to yourself and everyone around you about being okay, but inside is this storm of negative-painful-harmful emotions and self-hate. Avoidants are people-pleasers, their words mean nothing, and that's why their words don't match their actions; hours of conversation and then the next day they are a completely different person. They only think about themselves. Healthy relationship becomes impossible. Please, journal your emotions and thoughts, take long walks, watch these videos, and remember it was never about you. Choose Peace. Forgive and release. Maybe even be grateful. He helped activate emotions that your soul no longer wants to carry. He activated them. That's the gift. It's your opportunity to release them. That's the magic. Sometimes, the poison IS the medicine (homeopathy). He helped you to purify you. Life is just a play of our emotions, and really is: a gift... For purification, for release, for ascension.
I can’t stop thinking about him though i know we probably will never be healthy but it’s so hard letting him go i keep wanting to message him then i feel bad for not giving me space but how do you actuallt let people go?
I too once again tried ending the 4 years of relationship finally last weekend since earlier he was not able to put a name to the relationship and then no commitment once he’s is able to call gf/ bf but lots of other females (many options to have prospective and past gfs 😔😢 most likely) and male friends and parties , smoking , pub and many other fun activities that he completely keep away from me .. and he in turn blocked me .. this Friday he unblocked me when he might have seen me enjoying with some other group of friends.. and when I asked why ? And I got nothing else for him he again blocked without saying.. or replying anything… but then next day I again got emotional yesterday when out on the 4th July and shared the pic of outing but probably he had unblocked again and pic went thru .. and he shared his hiking pic .. and said nice but when I replied it didn’t go thru .. and he went offline for 3-4 hours .. and left me panicked if something happened to him .. and then in the night he finally replied so I was so worried that I asked for the video call to see him but there he was on the call in full swing.. but didn’t speak as he was sharing room with someone in hotel stay .. I am so worried he’s again taking away my sanity of mind like who he was with but more importantly giving ne so anxiety.. of falling in the trap again .. blocking and breaking up seems useless now as he again captured my heart and emotions 😰
The hours of conversations are usually one person talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and the avoidant listening. The avoidant was done listening within 30 minutes because they couldn’t get a word in that wasn’t “okay, cool, great, hmm” and because of the talker and their lack of social ques the poor avoidant was trapped listening to them talk and talk and talk and talk. So after hours of 1 sided conversation the avoidant left feeling ran down and used as a free therapy session. The next day they actively avoid to save themselves from the talker and that makes them look like a different person. It wasn’t them tht was the problem, it was the talker but the avoidant wants to keep peace so they avoid to save face. It’s a brutal cycle and it’s one I’m in right now. This guy I met seems to think I like homework after my gym session. He wants to talk about XYZ and then he loans me books and then he wants to go over it. He’s super nice but I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to talk about that stuff every day so I make sure I’m busy AF. I’m full fledged AVOIDANT. It sucks and no I can’t just tell him. When I was a child I’d get my mouth slapped and my hair ripped out. I was beaten into this thought process where fight/flight mode activates. I’m taking flight when I feel it. And don’t @ me with go to therapy. I’m in therapy. But y’all normal folks talk too much. I’ve learned from studying people that they don’t realize they over share or they know they over share but can’t stop themselves because it feels good to talk based off their unseen/unheard childhood. We’re all doing the best we know how. Avoidant people are super aware and highly empathetic so we remove ourselves. Normal people need to realize what they are doing to so the difference doesn't feel so drastic.
I just got out of a 6-year relationship with a avoidant and I didn't know what was wrong with her until just now until I seen this video and it's 100% to the T this woman every time I would get close to her with intimacy she would start putting up her defense system when I came to intimacy like making love she never wanted to talk about it and she never came on to me and she never asked me for love or any of that she was just totally emotionless she avoid all confrontations she hid everything inside she never wanted to talk about anything she would just Meander around by herself you know she was my woman my girlfriend for 6 years I never could get her to say very much of anything emotionally
As i was an anxious before, gotta admit that a short period of being with an avoidant made me becoming more secured because i was so curious about their behaviors so I googled about it and there i got to learn how to be secure. But I wont fight for any avoidant ever again. Tried twice and were too overwhelmed. They need a lot of work to do and they dont know about it and they rejected it when i suggested.
me to, we are 17 yr together, is a struglle past years. He does not have inteligence emotionally, he doesnt fight for our love ,also does not want to commit. So I dont speak anymore about marriage etc.
The bottom line is that the avoidant person just isn't into you. That's it. If they really wanted you, they would act like it. If you're with a detached person who always has to "protect" themselves from you for reasons that don't even have to do with you, just leave. They're so not worth it. And you will never out-love their baggage.
The bottom line is society needs to be re-educated on how to love their own children. Our great-grandparents could get it right, so what have we lost since then and now...
omgggg. this was so helpful at just like taking the blame off myself for not being enough and understanding this persons behavior is not what I deserve
I have known mine for 2 years. I still don’t know our relationship status. I poured out my feelings to him and told him how I feel when he’s missing. He acknowledged and understood he’s wrong. Now we’re both avoiding. I am avoiding because I don’t see a future. He’s avoiding because he’s a DA. It’s been a week with no contact and still counting…
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. Very gently, it sounds like you are looking to him to set the tone of the relationship and to decide what happens. The only way to change this is to decide for yourself what you will, and will not accept. If the way he shows up is not what you envision for your future, then it sounds like you know what you have to do. This video might help:ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-szzTAcD9ju0.htmlsi=vReshNwk_xNzPZtC Big hugs on the journey.
My partner is an avoidant and I am a fearful avoidant. We both hate conflicts, but my partner more. I said to him, that conflicts are okay, and if this relationship is important , we should navigate through. He gives his best. Sometimes he goes fishing and needs his alone time and I am now strong enough to know, it’s okay , and I give him his time ( although we only see each other on weekends), but after this alone time he is regulated and peaceful. And , he is willing to solve conflicts! 😊
I was in a long term narcissistic abusive relationship. I developed so much anxiety during it. But I now find myself a Fearful Avoidant attachment. Which makes dating hard. I keep trying to heal, I’m in therapy, abstained from relationships for nearly three years, learning to communicate better. It’s really hard. Thank you for this video.
Its an impossible task. I was once secure confident making my mark. She started to pull away I asked if she was ok. And what was going on. It became a long slow spiral. I didnt realize what was happening. It became a push pull and with all the other problems sick family death I didnt understand why we were falling apart. I ended up leaving a 10 year friendship and 8 yr partnership. I miss her but it damn near killed me.
Thank you, Briana. The checklist at the end, citing specific behavior as signs of things turning toxic is so helpful for me. I recognize some of these but sometimes the reconciliation is still challenging. Having it called out for what it is, is so helpful.
All of this sounds exactly like 99.9% of the dating perspective on modern social media. People haven't bothered to raise their kids to the point where society is melting down. Just kids that never bothered to turn into adults, at the end of the day. They'll either deal with their damage, or sit around wishing they would.
The final part of this video is one of the most important things I've ever watched about being in a relationship with an avoidant -- you don't have to do the impossible! WATCH THIS VIDEO, IT'S CRUCIAL!
Thank you for your kind words and for watching. One thing I might add, is that the list of questions at the end is for any attachment style. Anxious, avoidant, and fearful partners can all demonstrate dysfunctional behavior. It’s a more general list to let people know when a dynamic has become toxic and it’s time to leave. Thanks for watching!
Been with him for 5 years, he would dump me ND I will beg and crawl back. I broke up with him and he just said OK. It's exhausting, I understand he can't meet my needs and I don't want to demand that from him cos I know he can't offer me that and I know I must leave, it's hurts.
I think most of have avoidant, anxious, etc parts to us if we grew up in an u healthy household. And because of that, I think it’s better to think of yourself as you, a complex human who shouldn’t be labeled, and see your patterns of which some may be avoidant some may be anxious, and perhaps if you are in a certain situation you are more anxious and in another you are avoidant. Regardless, you recognize that these patterns mean something is wrong with the person you are seeing, and also that there is some healing for you to do. You are not “avoidant”. It’s all situational.
I am an avoidant😢never understand the term when my therapist told me that I am recently. Until I started listening to the videos here and I checked every box.
Damn, this is hard. My girlfriend is an avoidant and I answered yes to most of the final questions in the video. She supposedly loves me, but at the same time she is cruel, she's kinda ghosting me and when I let her know she east losing me, she started calling me, but when I answered, there was the same coldness and almost hate in her voice. I don't know. Every step I make is a mistake for her
Mannn. I just loss my beautiful girlfriend over that. We just broke(She literally) 5 days ago. My girl behaved exactly that way, she started acting very cold, unwilling to solve problems(because they are uncapable), finding problems out of thin air, in the end she will compare you to others flocks, do anything to get rid off you for her freedom and fantasy, and she'll go, no regret. I have never done so much research in my life to understand a human being that was so complicated to deal with. Man stop it, you will end up trying to fix the air in all of that, driving you crazy, just to get your esteem down enough to discard you. The great pain and it still hurts is the fact that my guts told me from the beginning that something was off, but since myself esteem and worth were down I literally fall into all of that. We can feel abuse but rarely understand it without knowledge. I used to cover with most of her flaws for love, i believed, but in the end i was sooo confused, had a hard time trying o figure out what was wrong, in the end when triggered she is literally some sort of machine to work in her favors only. I remember my RU-vid stared to fill with videos of these sorts, and bit by bit, things started to fall into place. The more knowledge I had the more I started to understand her situation. I found to be true for her own words back then, that she has BPD( no treatment) hey, don't be fooled I had to study hard to get to that, compulsive liar, dammmi cried, all traits where there (rocky childhood, strong narcisistic traits mom, dammm) unfortunately aff there more i discovered the more pity a felt afff. Who could have told that?- She is the one who begged me to study about narcisim, and in the end she plays just that way. Dammm I was wondering if I want her back, and i literally don't know. I prefer my health, but in the end I'm so preoccupied with how much of a good man she has to find to bear with all of that and that brings me concern, because i realy cared for her and to a stage i even got the feeling that if i abandoned it would be unfair to her, but this way man... I hope she find a good mate.
Yes, it is absolutely draining to try to engage with a person with such traits, the thing is no one is equipped or no one was equipped with such knowledge beforehand until this new type of content started to emerge to surface on the internet. The saddest part is to have learned it after having a kid with such a character while all you might wish is to give the best possible context to that child to grow healthy on the longest of the possibility I guess I am purge writing a little bit here. But gosh I wish this content would have been tough at school or some kind of institution that makes them available for the mass. Thanks for such an amazing video Briana. God bless ypu for having broken down this complex subject in such a comprehensive way 🙏
I’m over here beating myself up over maybe one moment of neediness, but I have to remember that this has nothing to do with me. It was all the abuse coming from her ex husband.
My wife was cheated on by all 4 of her previous exes. Shes an avoidant who breadcrumbs me and I never understood it till now. She gave the best of herself away, and now I'm paying for it.
Also, important to add that when they go through a life changing event, like their kid is moving in, they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to juggle both that and the person in their life. They become snippy and irritable at the tiniest things. They try to control what you verbally share. They don’t care how they put someone else out because it’s about taking care of them, no apology or offer to repair. They don’t believe apologies include offers of repairs.
But if the relationship was broken by your doing, and you still say you want them to stay, then fighting to fix things would do that. Having no cares whether they stay or go, but saying otherwise, only shows the person you’re not interested and it’s not worth the effort, thus, they will leave. Why would anyone want someone who’s not interested or applies no effort when needed?!
I agree with your comment. The OP and many avoidants just relinquish all responsibility and ownership of their faults and the failure of the relationship.
Those questions at the end are for narcissistic relationships....... Narcissists relentless pursue fantasy relationships Narcissists are controlling Narcissists are paranoid and stalk Narcissists don't love you Relationships with avoidants can seem very similar, but perhaps even more lonely because they don't even love bomb you. Avoidants and narcs both have a tendency to have one foot out the door Avoidants and narcs can both be dismissive and fail to take relationship problems seriously Both can discard you when relationships become work, and send you through push pull cycles But the narcissist is up and down, and if you're not with them then goodbye to you
Thank you for watching and sharing your perspective. However, avoidant partners can also demonstrate these behaviors without a diagnosis of narcissism. The questions at the end are for toxic dynamics in relationships, which are likely to have some level of narcissistic traits involved, but it exists on a spectrum. Narcissism exists on the spectrum of “self” wounding, which ALL people with insecure attachment styles have. To learn more I recommend checking out my playlist on this topic. Narcissism and Attachment Theory ru-vid.com/group/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I guess the one differential then is that narcissists exhibit robust cathexis? While the DS partner is actually more like a psychopath partner in the sense that they seem to barely hold on to you?
My ex is clearly AD but also has a lot of traits of a covert narc. Had to let her go when I realized all she was doing was sucking me dry as all I did was give, give, and continue to give, to her and she was never going to focus on any of my wants, needs, or desires.
Well hope things are better for you now. Can relate, It literally felt like i was dating a black hole (as in outer space). The closer you get , the worse it got, lots of me, me, me or I,I, I going on and not so much us or we. I would try and focus on hobbies, to get some relief from the gravity well. Only you can make yourself happy/best of luck on your journey, -Cheers
Love is like stoking a fire to keep it burning in a fireplace. It takes two to make a relationship work and loving effort. Nurturing and building the relationship is essential to a successful relationship and marriage🔥 ✨
Now I fully understand why my one friend (who has no other friends) acts the way she does. Wants a close friend but always backing away. Canceling plans. No follow thru. Doesn’t show up when communication is clear. Too hard to deal with and unable to have a healthy reciprocal friendship. Doesn’t try to step up when it’s brought to her attention. Easier to back away and disappear. I get it all now. Sad but true.
That's quite an exaggerated list for an anxious person to get broken up with by an avoidant. iIn my experience it's much less likely that the avoidant is going to do any work and that the anxious is going to do all the work!
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m not sure what you mean by an exaggerated list. These are 4 deactivating strategies for Avoidant partners. At the end, there are 10 questions for anyone to ask themselves if the relationship dynamic has become toxic and it is time to leave, regardless of attachment style. I hope that clarifies things.
Wow! 🤯 You are naming and thereby validating my experience being married to an avoidant partner for 21 years, together for 30 years! Thank you for the work you do!
My dating partner was really excited about me when we first met then a month later, he pulled away. He started picking me apart, even telling me he wasn’t “into me that way.” Because of your content, I realized he was deactivating and I respected his desire for space and started to move on. When he started to feel safer with me, and realized that I was not going to swamp him emotionally or tie him down, he started to be much less critical and much more affectionate towards me. We are in a happier, calmer place, now, a year later, and our relationship feels mutually satisfying. 😊
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. I am so glad that the content has been helpful for you, and that you have found a place of harmony in your relationship. Bravo! 🙏❤️
I see ppl saying this about how now theyre in a great place w their avoidant partner and all i hear is "it is my fault for having needs." Cuz you dropped him and so he stayed. I tried to give affection and distractions and they bailed. So like.. Tis my fault. Thats the answer. When someone wants you but doesnt wanna admit they want you the correct response is "play games" thats such bullshit.
@@maxsheerin8219I knew he was hypercritical because of his own fears and it wasn’t about me. I stood up for myself. It was Briana’s content that helped me remain calm and confident. He would tell me things like I “didn’t need supplements” if I just ate a healthy diet but then he admitted he bought supplements. It was stupid things he would pick at, not anything major. He was kind and sweet most of the time. I wouldn’t stick around for actual ABUSE. I left an abusive marriage and won’t be dealing with that ever again.
@@CDMuffyI didn’t play games. I remained friends with him and his affection towards me increased over time. I like him more than any other man I’ve ever dated so I have stuck it out and learned a lot about needs vs desires. He meets lots of needs I didn’t realize I had and some of my wants and desires. Life is always an adjustment and I know I have a lot of baggage too. Overall, it has been a good experience for me and I know he is grateful to have me in his life.
I have been both anxious and avoidant attachment, with rare in between periods of secure attachment…… No longer avoidant because I KNOW how it feels to be on the other side and the pain it causes. It’s so hard to undo all of the subconscious autonomic responses our minds and bodies have put into place during survival mode to protect us from trauma and damage…..only broken through humility and self awareness. I don’t necessarily blame those who don’t know what they’re doing, although on the other side of the coin when they can project onto the other the things they are actually doing themselves, it shows a degree of awareness, albeit unconsciously. There is no change without accountability, no accountability without reflection, there is no reflection without empathy and remorse, and there is no empathy and remorse without humility. Humility is the ONLY asset we have as human beings and it’s the only vehicle that knows the directions on the journey and to the destination of growth, change and peace.
I have not answered yes to most of your top 10 questions. My guy was very, very kind and respectful. He was a gentleman.. until he didn’t tell me what his needs were and resentments formed, and I didn’t know. He loved all my friends and he was obsessed about being on time.. he was very generous. but kept his distance, but not as severe as most I’ve heard.. I feel like I was one of the lucky ones compared to what I’ve heard…. The boomerang effect right now and showing up on my doorstep and wants to be good friends. I just put a stop to that. It’s too painful for me. He can detach. I cannot thank you so much for your work.❤
Holy crap!!!!! This is absolutely spot on!!! It's like you were looking at my life at the last part of this video as you dove into whether or not to proceed and fixing the relationship. I'm naturally going that course. She said she was giving up cuz she's tried everything, and my reply to that was we haven't tried everything. As she said yes we have, I said we haven't tried counseling or couples counseling. And I'm open to both options. She hasn't necessarily declined it, but she has taken the petulant route and been more silent treatment and disappearing act. However being with her as long as I have, I know the telltale breadcrumbs that she leaves behind when she hasn't actually given up. Such as, she's still wearing the rings that we gave each other. She still prepared the coffee maker so I'd have coffee in the morning for work before I left. And other various things of that sort. Hopefully she'll sit down and watch this video with me and recognize her reflection in the majority of this video. I openly acknowledge for my shortcomings are. I know I was the anxious attachment style of the non-avoidant variety. But My journey to become a securely attached person, although long, has been pretty successful. I feel like I'm about 80% or more there. But sometimes my anxious attachment comes out of me. And I know her negative traits of the avoidant characteristics sometimes can pull those darker sides out of me. But I do my best to keep them at bay. Thank you very much for sharing this. I really appreciate it. And I hope everybody else who watches this receives as much insight and help as I have.
Wow I’m so glad I saw this comment I feel like I’m in exactly the same place as you ! I hope you get some resolve in your situation and things get better… I’m not sure about mine but I hope so.. like you I’ve done a lot of work on my own attachment style but the avoidant behaviour does awaken the beast sometimes and that’s where I’m at now but hopefully it will work out for the best whatever happens 😊
I won't fight for any relationship. I'll work with a partner to try to resolve issues, but when women say they want you to "fight" for the relationship, it means they want you to fight them and whatever issues at hand. In other words they're not pulling on the same side of the rope as you. I think it's what the younger folks call "sh*t testing" these days. I won't play that game anymore. If someone wants us to work together to try to solve things, and its still a good relationship overall, I'll work with them. If what they need is endless drama, bye. I've got other partners and options. Does that make me avoidant? I don't know. I'll leave that to the psychologists. From my perspective I just won't tolerate bullsh*t. I don't need to. I'm happy to say that doesn't come up much anymore because I've learned to have the right people in my life.
@@dannywholuv Yes but words matter. Whenever I've had a woman insist I "fight" for her, it meant she wanted drama and for me to sort of beg for her not to go and resort to desperate pleas and promises to do exactly what she wanted etc. Or they wanted me to keep trying to scale the wall they put up around themselves because of some past bad marriage or relationship. I don't play that game. I won't "fight' for a relationship because I don't have to put up with drama at this point in my life. I have options and some wonderful long term partners in my life. I also take personal sovereignty very seriously. If they say they're seriously unhappy and want to break it up, I'm not going to try to argue them out of it. I'll miss the good times we had but I'm not desperate and I accept that I'm not right for everyone.
@@kenofken9458 seriously the word 'fight' is not to be taken literally here. In the context of the video she means work on things. Every relationship requires work, even the healthy ones.
I've tried for 3 years, I answered yes to all of the questions (#6 to all) #7 1000000%, #8 was the reason I ended it 4 days ago. Thank you so much for this video. All I can do is just pray and wish they get the help (that they don't want) and they can change.
I love how my avoidant man is always coming back. And then he's sooo passionate❤ Actually he's the best love maker i ever had. But yes emotionally unavailability is difficult still.. can't have arguments or something. Strange thing is he loves romantic music or love movies😂
When he's distant and he's also emotionally unavailable, how do I communicate with him? Or do I just keep away and occupy his absence with other commitments and wait for him? Or do I let him know his absence is making me nervous about our relationship?
from my experience, ive had the joy of dating both a bpd woman and a clear textbook avoidant afterward, one thing ive learned, the avoidant and borderline personality disorder girl are very similar..both persue hard to nail down your attention. sexually, there great .nothings off the table with them and youll feel satisfied in ways you havn't been in a long time. you'll be on a pedistal ...then , when they think they got you , the push away . when you get fed up with the stonewalling and bs, then , they come running back , try everything to win you back , the min they do , the push is coming. even if it isn't conscious , they are manipulative and they want you to want them , and use that want as a power over you to use you as an emotional punching bag.if theres no problem , they will make one. do yourself a favour, when they push away , count your blessings, and move on.dont fall for the come around breadcrumbing, they don't care , they will do it again , and your wasting your time. When they try to make you jealous, and they will, just understand that the poor bastard next in line isn't special and they will do them like that or worse. you have nothing to be jealous of. put that effort into someone thats worth it.they aren't.the only difference between the bpd and avoidant, is the bpd had a very vindictive element to her and will not just go away without a mess.they want you miserable while splitting.the avoidant just kinda gets there ego checked and they certainly do not enjoy it, but that sinister want to hurt you isn't there in the same way the bpd is. either one is very stressful and not worth it.don't recommend dealing with either.
Thank you so much man. Thought I was crazy going through all this cause it's such a unique dilemma to experience. This perfectly sums the breadcrumbing, popping in and out (called it the whiplash cycle) it's a real ease of conscience knowing I'm not alone
@@dualfusion47 many relationships over the years. almost all women play these games , but in a much lesser degree with much less cruelty at heart. this was my first time dealing with those types of women . it isn't hard to get, and it isnt because they want you...its because they get off on the pursuit.its an ego thing. look at how miserable this guy is or look how hard hes trying to get me ...therefore, im better then him . hes weak. and that weakness = not good enough for me, so lets pursue this other guy and see how it goes ' ...thats the mentality.its not the usual hard to get or playful jealous game thats innocent and harmless.this is a cruelty.in my opinion , if it isn't just narcissim wrapped up in a cute package, its dam well next door to it.ive never been through anything like it.once your involved say a few months, you can tell exactly when the push aways coming .by the end , id drive her nuts cause id just cut through the games and just say ' look, you are going to push away now tomorrow, so i want you to know, it don't surprise me or effect me no more.im over it, and i don't give a shit ' ....lol .the push away and stonewall length drops off a c;iff.instead of a week in whhich she thinks she can make you miserable , its the very next day apollogizing .it sucks , but if you want to beat them at there own game, as much as it sucks and its not what you want to do , all they respect is a willingness to say bye then , and mean it. good luck brother.
@@kmolnardaniel no problem my buddy.if i can help someone understand better or hang on to there self respect from these vampires, im happy to do it. once you are with them , and you understand what your really dealing with without letting your feelings for them cloud your judgement, they are probably the easiest to read.its very much a pattern.predictable as the sunrise.the winning game is being clear and concise, you know what there doing , you know why, and you don't give a shit .let them know you don't give a shit if they come back or not .and you need to mean it.be ready to have your bluff called if your just emotional and trying to posture, they are like a dog sensing fear.you need to come from a place that you really don't care.when they understand they aren't the prize your going to roll over and beg for, they will respect you or leave you alone.., never, let them know there absence bothered you.its what they prey on.be happy, be open to going elsewhere, and let them know you aren't the guy that needs this shit.trust me, one of 2 things can happen when you do this .1/ she moves on to a weaker person they can whip around and crush there self worth, or 2, they will knock it off and adjust there treatment to you accordingly. either one , is better . DO NOT buy into the game of trying harder or getting upset.its there goal.DO NOT buy into alot of these videos telling you all these tricks , methods, things you can do to make things work ..its bs.all of it.you want it to work? YOU be happy and focus on your happiness.if they don'tt want to pay the proper respect to your time and effort, no matter if it kills you, drop it hard and fast. and don't look back . you might just see them come bawling back. i did . and im not a vindictive person, but after going through this cycle a dozen times, it was gratifying giving them the cold shoulder and being left on read. just like a childhood bully, when you finally stand up for yourself and grow a set, its there ego that gets really crushed. respect yourself, and respect from others will come.do not tolerate this abuse.
@@TheIntegramanI really do appreciate it. It's been almost three months since I called the shot to separate and doing better mentally. It's always a journey though and some days are better than others, but man it's reassuring knowing it was the right thing to do and clear out the "what ifs"💪
My ex left me in a rough situation. I see my issues in our relationship and was hoping to work on things together. But instead he ran away. Its honestly hard and I am sad. But he was already jealous. Told me he knew he never could trust me. I never cheated but what I did was lie about the past. I am 100% in the wrong for that. I was trying to focus on the present. He told me we could work on it. But then he began questioning me on things from before we were even together. He got upset told me my feelings dont matter and that his do. Told me he doesnt love me without trust. Fair enough. A few days later after space left me. Then told me he loves me and that maybe in the future. That we could be friends if we want. To be together if I want. I knew he wouldnt be with me. I asked he said probably not. I am having a tough time respecting myself and leaving the situation. I really care for him. But our relationship is over.
awful lot of judgement in this towards avoidants. They may be damaged and traumatized, but many of the symptoms and behaviors that emerge are involuntary. Digging into education on this, while exhibiting empathy for how it is to be on their side would go a long way to actually helping people, rather than throwing blame and judgement around.
With empathy and compassion. Avoidants feel attacked easily because that is what they have experienced most. They need to feel safe to open up, and that's going to take patience, grace, and practice to lead to healing and health.
I tried. It didn’t matter how many times I’d say I know you’re trying and I’m really grateful for that it’s not an attack I’m only saying because I care but I feel forgotten and lonely when you shut down etc. he still took it personally and couldn’t see that I was trying to make it better. Just saw it as me trying to make him feel inadequate
You can’t reason with an avoidant. They are always the victim. Avoid them at all costs. No sympathy for avoidants. They should all remain single. They are not partners.
When I get to a point where I'm ready to let go and I refuse to answer him that's when he comes in full force calling and texting non-stop. He turns anxious after being cold as ice most of the time. And it's so hard not to fall for it. He said he just wanted us to be in a good place (when he thought I was done for good) and that he would do better. Not one thing has been better. I guess this is more of a trauma bond than anything. Most of the questions were a "yes" but I can't seem to walk away.
It’s like your words are also mine…. I’m struggling to move on but I’m doing better with each day. we need to let go, and fight it. Actively to not let ourselves sink into our imagination and attraction, and keep finding excuses for the other side. It’s not healthy for us… we deserve to not be stressed when we are with our loving partner. If he’s not willing to treat his toxic traits, (therapy etc) there is no place for him in your life. Our loving partner suppose to be our safe space. End of story. ❤
It’s because we are not able to let go of the future we imagine we will have if this person finally changed. You are probably ready to let go of this person. It’s the future we imagined with that person that we have to let go of. That future is not real. It is a fantasy. And it will never happen with a person who acts in this way. This will continue for years and years. (Ask me how I know. 😞)
Sounds like a lot of work. I'm glad I've learned to take care of my own needs and maintain my autonomy both outside and inside my relationships. I couldn't imagine arguing about something as trivial as sharing your feelings or using the wrong vocabulary. Granted, I get there are words that can't describe exactly what we're thinking all the time, but to start drama over it is childish. I guess it makes sense why I left my exes when they started acting this way. 🤷🏿♂️
As a DA girl myself I can tell you she loves you, I’m pretty sure. It’s just that the type of way we were taught to love is by showing our positive feelings only! And if someone is too loving or even clingy it triggers a certain pattern in us, that makes us wanna leave and not show up cuz we’ve never learnt to address and show feelings openly to that extant. If she is open to therapy maybe y’all can work out! Praying for y’all!
@@pizzaghozia I mean the way they're describing it they may be dealing with a narcissist as well who can be confused for an avoidant. Something I had to learn was to prioritise myself first which meant putting myself first: boundaries first and self care first and relationships can only build out of the overflow of that - you can't sustainably be there for someone else if you're not able to be there for yourself and maintain your boundaries and basic wellness.
I feel the same way, Im an anxious attachment style person, she’s very avoidant when it comes to problems too. It feels like it’s just a constant cycle of me trying to find problems and solve them while she shell herself and appears to be pushing me away, it hurts so much and it’s so tiring and our brain in the deep end somewhat influence our interactions. I love her but I don't want this cycle to continue any longer; I’m working on myself to being less anxiously attached and I am working toward being more secure so that I am not constantly trying to find problems. I want to provide her with an environment that she feels safe in so that trauma response is not the first thing her brain resorts to. Edit: reword, I worded it bad while being emotional lol
@@blinx1855 you could only hope for the best babes, work on urself to heal and be securely attached! If she don’t want to, it’s sad but there’s really nothing to do about it
@@pizzaghozia just saw this. Thank you for the pray. We've only been for 4 months and ldr but i swear she's the sweetest when she's okay. but i feel like she's trying hard as well because right now when she's not in the mood or in anger mode, she will let me know to give her space. Whereelse before this, she would just ignore my calls for hours. I've hurt pretty badly by her words even only 4 months but im seeing some improvement and im not willing to give up yet. I think she's worth it. Only time can tell but gosh i love her much
you are so awesome. I love how succinct and articulate you are. I have been in a relationship with a guy who turns out is an alcoholic. at first i thought he was a fearful avoidant...and he may well be in addition. He hid his drinking from my until I recently discovered that he is mean when he drinks. I ended it promptly because i was deeply hurt and will not let anyone abuse me. It's been difficult because he said he was mortified when he read his text to me (when he sobered up). He said he misses me and i miss the good parts of him as well. I told him that i think he needs to get help and i pray to Goddess that he does. In the meantime i am healing as my search for love continues. Thank you for your videos.
In my opinion, you made the right choice :) If he cleans up his drinking to save the relationship, he's likely to relapse if the relationship ends or gets difficult. If he cleans up his drinking for the sake of his own life, he's likely to keep it that way for the rest of his life.
My bf broke up with me, said he needed space. thru text and has said never really mean to break up with me and we got back together. I asked him why if he didn't want to break up with me he did and he said that he felt I was pulling away and he didn't want to.fight for it. We've been back together for a.month now and things are going well but I'm nervous it might happen again.
Don’t get comfortable with him. Get more into YOU! Give yourself 5x as much attention as you do him. The thoughts you have of him, have of yourself. Find a way to see yourself and treat yourself in “that” way. If you’re younger, BE PICKY!!!! DO NOT GIVE CHANCES! Straight up. Grace is one thing. A chance is another! If you’re a person that really values themselves, the non-negotiables, ARE the NON-NEGOTIABLES!
It will absolutely happen again if he refuses to go to therpay. Its easier to feel the pain of a permanent breakup than go through constant let downs when you need them most. YOU cannot heal him. That's his job.
You didn't ask for opinions, but because of the replies you got I felt like giving a more nuanced and hopefully useful reaction. It's really good how he opened up and gave you an honest reason for his behavior! Well, I assume it's honest. It shows trust. While things are going well, you could thank him for that and tell him (with little emotion, but a really friendly tone) that you expect this kind of honesty during the next conflict. Explain how going through these moments together actually strengthens the bond. And then ask him what he needs from you in those situations. And in case you don't do that: Draw clear boundaries in order to protect your authentic self! He can't expect you to accept another fake break-up. If he ever shares his struggles and asks for help, that would be the moment to make him aware of avoidant attachment style. Let him know he can fix himself (with a little help)! If he doesn't ask for help it's a bit more risky to tell him; he's less likely to accept the message.
The simplest request for more time. A lie in was always met with instant dismissal and he’d often say I’m losing myself. We saw each other two nights a week and 1 weekend a month. He had more time away fro. Me than with me. I am busy and spotty so never wanted him 24/7.
Would say I was manipulating and controlling when he had an opportunity and didn’t take it. I’d say ah we could have had a lie in. I was doing all the work. Never let me in
I was like “yeah I guess I should let go..” then when the questions came up, my answers were mostly no. I’m still torn between staying or just leaving. We never really talked about officially ending it. I even offered to be friends but he just kept dismissing it by saying he’s gonna respond when he’s not busy. It’s dehumanising yet I still refuse to believe he’s a bad person.
same w my gf, she keep saying that if she hurts me so much then why not just go. it furiates me that she doesnt give a f but i refused to believe shes bad oerson she just went thru so much
My partner has traumas from childhood, he doesnt understand some common psihology, like something missin in his brain. Not sure how to call that, but really lack of emotional inteligence. And he always negativise himself, he dont like conflicts rather puts on carpet all. He doesnt reciprocate love, hes not romantic, (aldo he lovebombed me first 2 3 yer), and doesnt have life goals or vill to success. Also does not give compliments. It really sad and I dont feel happy or satisfied for our future
Hello, well, if he has traumas from childhood and now he shows up as an avoidant. Attachment styles are only behaviors learned in our childhood. It takes time, but you can learn to be secure. The way you communicate, it seems you're tired. It's understandable. Your feelings are valid. But if you're willing to stay, you have to be VERY secure. The more secure you are, the less you take his behaviors personally. You learn to be empathetic with him. This could encourage him to change. If he doesn't, then let him go peacefully without resentment. If you're willing to become secure, I suggest you do therapy together with a professional specialized in attachment styles. Best of success 🙌
I'm dating an avoidant who I love dearly but it is so very hard trying to understanding their lived experience all the time. My patience is thinning and I'm not reacting now in a maladaptive way because i feel like I'm having to point out the obvious of a healthy and normal relationship. I know each person's therapeutic journey is different but in your experience if somebody is dedicated to therapy to address their attachment style how long would it usually take for them to 'heal' to a more secure place? I don't want the relationship to end but after 4 years it has become more strained trying to manage the relationship. I so badly want it to work but need to be realistic about the prospect of change to reach a healthy consistent relationship. There are children involved if we merge our lives and I can't have the children exposed to an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.
Anxious, here. I see her shine but she leaves me in the dark and im afraid of the dark. She shines on me and I reflect her warmth. Maybe it’s too much, I don’t know how to turn down what is only a reflection. She runs away leaving me to fight the chilly nights alone, again. I think I am in hell.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. I feel you. Please try to take time for self-care and self-love. Those are the only things that have gotten me through recently.
I understand you so much. Now, are you sure you are anxious by yourself or did you get anxious over time because of this relation? Even shine can be a trap! Take care ❤
That is beautiful. You have your own light you must learn to stoke. Hell is real, but so is your light. Find your light and it will lead you out of hell.
he was distant. i gave him space. he broke up over text. i didn't beg but asked him to meet when ready for closure as text for 3.5 year relationship is not appropriate. eventually, he said 3 months later doesn't want to meet or any contact. he blocked me on social media. i blocked him on whatsapp, our only form of contact.
I am kind of (most of the time) securily attached. However, in my recent long-distance relationship with this guy, I felt insecure and anxious most of the time. He seemed to love me but after a wonderful week together and having said that "I am his rock" he pulled away. He was in touch with me just once in a day by texting or by a very short phone call. Then I asked him not to do this, I felt unimportant. Then I broke up. But then I told him that I did not actually want to break up, I was a bit sad, I just wanted you to get my poing, try not to ignore my needs.. He said after all this, he did not want me anymore. I did not recognise myself, I was completely different person, could not regulate my emotions and tried to keep in touch. I asked him "Do you love me?" He said "YES" So, there is no big deal we can solve our problems, I said. He was like "I do not wanna do anything", "this is not about love. It has to end". This is not love, although he never admits that. I am the toxic one he thinks
Well, we tried a second time.. even i gave him space, told him im here for him if he needs help or anything, was supportive, patient understanding, he fell out of love... it lasted 4 weeks.. "when I wanted to break up again was when I felt like I didn't had any feelings that's why" he said... welp 2 days before the BU he also said his feelings are 100% still there for me.. gave it my all... nothing more i can do.. 2.5 bumpy but good years...
Ive got a one hes on and off, rinse repeat. Everytime thngs get more involved, all of a sudden there is always dramas with his ex, or whatever drama is going on, then comes the back peddling over days leading to radio silence for weeks, recently months. So Anxious here pokes and prods, whats wrong, why wont you talk to me ? etc, always get the response: "Im not talking to anyone at the moment, its not just you" I still cant get used to having to always be the one to be patient and give him space, hes got no problem sharing all his problems with me, and I will always help- but as soon as I have any stress, or problems I get nothing. I have come to realise I do have a part in it as the behaviour is extremely triggering , and I can become over bearing.(?) But I do think I deserve more respect, if I get angry and call him out for shit treatment, then comes (in my mind) the deflection, saying he dosent want to be here anymore etc. (this has been said numerous times over the years) also very defensive. I have sensed lies all along, and I want to find out what is really going on, but then have I been gas lighted, as I start questioning my own sanity, or is my gut feeling right??? Biggest MInd F ever. I also am getting angry at the veiled suicide threats,every time, recently he said he was writing his goodbye letter. (uhhhmm??! as that is so efffing cruel to use that and have me worried sick or feeling so guilty that I made him feel that way . omg.
How can someone invite an avoidant partner to put the work for the relationship if they display most of the behaviour you talked about? Do you think that if they actually loved you, they would do it or are all these factors the ones stopping her to face reality and actually want to change? You see, seems to me, their behaviour is moved by a paradox, is there any hope for those people? How can I create a safe space for my partner if they would remain petulant, dismissive and manipulative attitudes, being passive aggressive and always playing defensive?
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I do believe change can happen. Here’s the truth: 👉🏼 Partners with avoidant attachment withdraw when emotions get intense. 👉🏼 They struggle with deep fears that overpower their capacity to connect. 👉🏼 Emotional neglect in childhood plays a massive role here. "DOES THAT MEAN I SHOULD WAIT FOREVER, IN CASE THEY COME AROUND?" NO. They can be unwilling to change, AND still love you. DO NOT wait around for them to set the tone. That just makes it super comfy for them, and eliminates any motivation for inner child healing. Avoidant partners - like all human beings - experience varied degrees of readiness for change. They can be: A. Unaware - until something painful shocks them into awareness B. Aware - but unwilling to do anything C. Aware - and willing to make plans D. Aware - and taking action on the plans Which phase leads to real changes in your relationship? You guessed it: phase “D”. (You can offer some grace in phase C, but if they make plans only to sabotage them - they're ACTUALLY stuck in phase B.) So what SHOULD you do? Focus on YOUR growth. Because if you sit around waiting for someone else to change, guess what that means? YOU aren’t really ready for change either. In the meantime you might like this video: on healing avoidant attachment: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-UwXAhWPzaBc.htmlsi=1j1fRvIBkx9vtbJM
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentmy avoidant is aware but unwilling to change.. what to do in such a situation? she knows she needs professional help and even her friends said she needs some healing to do. but she is egotistic and very stubborn
@@surgeonvicryl4872Healing can only happen if the hurt is unbearable or you are „ready“ to. My first time of „the hurt is unbearable“ I had to withdraw from the healing process in order to finish my degree. I knew back then that if I started now with the wounds I had from childhood trauma I wouldn’t be able to exit university orderly. The next time (about 5 years later) life forced me into the healing process and it took me three years to work through the tough stuff. It completely made me work over my whole life and behavior. It was great but also horrible and I believe I couldn’t have done it in a stressful job or a job where I would have had huge responsibility or if I had kids. My sister had this experiance too. She walked the Jacob’s Way in Spain and left her job. She is coming back into her power now and owning her life but we both took the luxury of time. Not everybody has the opportunity to do this. And the process is exhausting, hurtful and hard to go. So, please, do not judge too harshly. It is great to come out at the end and feel peace. But I feel respect for everybody who is not - yet, hopefully - ready for it. Because I know how it is to stand there, looking into the abyss of fear and not being brave enough. Today, knowing what I know now, I wish I had done it earlier but back then it wasn’t the right time for me. So, maybe it isn’t the right time for your friend yet and the only thing you can do is to offer help when she decides to take the step toward healing.
After hearing this it begs to ask what is left for a partner to get their needs met? Avoidant behavior sounds like a troubled person who needs a lot of healing and probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. No wonder, modern women can’t find partners. If this video is made there are enough of these immature people walking around, sad!
