6 Things NOT to Expect From Therapy 

I went to therapy expecting to solve all my problems. The first thing my therapist said was "I need you to to understand that I won't fix anything, my job is to give you the right tools for YOU to fix your life. And is not going to happen right now, it takes time".

The first therapist that I was seeing, I opened up to her about staying at the mental health ward in the hospital and was diagnosed with BPD. She outright told me that I don’t have BPD, that patients with BPD are horrible people. That was the last time I scheduled an appointment to see her.

A therapist shouldn't take a pause during a session to check the score of a baseball game. Right then and there I was done with her.

How about #7 - A therapist should NOT use the session to talk about his/her life issues (and then charge you for the session).

I had a therapist what told me she was suicidal and had a plan, she became the patient and I put everything in my life on hold to help her, I was even giving her the Valium my Dr prescribed for me. She told me everything about her life, her pregnant daughter and details regarding the Divorce she was going threw. It all ended suddenly when she was hospitalized, never saw her again. All this was a sweet deal for her, I paid her 140.00 and hour and she got therapy. It took a while before I realized how it messed me up

My last therapist was great. I'm sad she had to move on she helped me lots. One thing she said a lot is "give yourself some grace" when i was beating myself up about something because i never realized the achievements i had actually accomplished.

I am friendly with my therapist but not a friend. We have boundaries.

I had a good fit but she moved so I got a new one and my first visit I told her my occupation and her response was" that's just what people choose when they don't know what they want to do next". Now I see she just had a different therapy style but at that point I had worked really hard to get that title and was really proud of it and for someone to downplay your achievements felt like crap

#2 was a big deal for one of my therapists in the past. We got along great, and I really liked her. But after a while it seemed like I'd start talking about something, then she'd share a story, and after a while we were just talking to each other like friends and she honestly talked more about her and her family than I did. I would have rather kept her as a friend and got a new therapist, but I was afraid of hurting her feelings. In the end she abruptly left the practice and I felt like I had both a therapist and a very rare friendship (I have severe social anxiety) ripped from me at the same time.

1. They will not know all your problems at the beginning 2. Do not date/befriend therapists 3. They should not discriminate against you 4. They should not judge you 5. They should not tell you exactly what to do 6. They should only be focusing on you during the session

Tha k you for this list Katie! This is validating. My therapist was on her laptop every session and I assumed she was just typing notes. At some point, she swiveled in her chair to get a drink and I saw she was logged into Facebook. I pulled up her professional FB page when I got home, and sure enough, she was responding to comments on her posts during our session. I really think we should be able to get refunds on our sessions when this happens, and there should be massive disciplinary action for therapists that do this. If they aren't doing their jobs well, they shouldn't be licensed. Especially sucks for clients/patients who can't speak up / stand up for themselves to call the therapist out on that behavior.

Former therapist over covid, so online but local, would pick up her nail file while I was talking, just for a couple of seconds, but it was enough for me to begin to question trusting her. She would also look at her watch and email someone quickly at the start of our sessions every so often. She would also minimize and explain away some of my experiences. I left when she took something personally and retaliated with stonewalling. I found myself walking on eggshells and people pleasing her. Time to go! Swore I'd never go to therapy again but then was struggling and thought I would try again after all my go to RU-vid therapists were so helpful in videos. I'm so glad I did. I have a great therapist who is very spiritual and has been so validating. I've gotten so much figured out with her and am as healthy mentally as I've ever been in this life. There's being a human and then there's doing and saying things that are damaging to the client. That's when you peace out : )

I ran away from my sessions (I really don't remember or understand why I did that now that I've finally decided to go back) I was so afraid to click on this video but I'm so glad I did ❤️ I feel more at ease and ready to go back to therapy... But I still fear if I'd be told anything for running away. I was also asked to see a psychiatrist and take medicines but I ran away from all of it 😭

you speak so fluent im not english speaker and i listen to you with no problem.

Kati, thank you SO MUCH for everything you share with and teach us. You have helped me unravel a past of trauma, an ED, and CPTSD. I cannot thank you enough. I've been watching you since you started on RU-vid, I was just a teenager then. You inspired me to go to school for psychology. Thank you for raising the awareness you do and for providing a safe space to learn and discuss. Love and support from NYC.

In my 40+ year odyssey in the strange land of psychotherapy I've worked with a zoo of therapists; I haven't always been the best client but I usually did my best- my therapists have been characters from A to Z, some whose conduct was insensitive at best, and verged on malpractice at worst... some in worse shape than those they purported to help- so I've learned very much from this journey.... but yet I haven't completely given up.

#6 I had a therapist who would fall asleep during our sessions. At the time, I wasn't used to talking about myself yet or making eye contact, so oddly it worked for me, but she did eventually quit after I told her she needs to take some time off to rest. (I think she retired)

Something between 3 and 4 I have experienced on multiple occasions with multiple therapists on a specific area: the push to socialize. Because this happened more than once, I feel like it is a bias that has become ingraned in the psychological community in general, not just individual counselors. You (Kati) also made a reference to the word "only", which I totally agree with, but has an addition implication. I think of it as the myth of the 0% or 100%. Even if something is true or works for people in the 90th percentile of the population does not mean it works for 100% of the population in 100% of situations (e.g. me in the job I have). And in the end (with a 4th therapist who did actually help), I found out that in addition to introversion (read "Quiet: in a World that Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain for implications of this), but also that I am on the autistic spectrum (making socializing even harder). To go into more detail on my situation, I am an introvert working on an IT helpdesk where I have to respond to so much incoming stimuli that needs a response. This is in the form of emails, calls, and chats with users: (sometimes trying to handle a chat and a call on two different topics at the same time), emails from co-workers or boss and instant messages from co-workers or boss. This leaves me feeling like I am drowning in stumuli at work. Yet 3 separate therapists kept trying to push me to socialize more as if to help with my issues. It was like I was treading water in the ocean at work, and when the evening or weekend came (like a rowboat), the person in that boat pouring a pitcher of water down my throat while I'm gasping for air.

Kati- I’ve been a super duper long time follower… since the beginning of your RU-vid journey. I can’t thank you enough for being one of the first to share valuable mental health information. If it wasn’t for you, I would probably not have started therapy. You are an Angel 😇in disguise ❤ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!

Number 5 shocked me because my old therapist did it way too many times.

One of the hardest things in therapy for me was to admit and to be willing to talk about my desire to have a non therapy relationship with my therapist. I found it extremely helpful when my therapist noticed that I was struggling with something a little bit deeper and without me confiding in her she just mentioned that is was ok and normal to have those types of feelings. I'm pretty sure, based on my trauma, that she knew this would eventually come up. She explained a little about why this sometimes happens. She even mentioned that for some clients, she wants that to happen so they can address what is behind that need and desire. It was such a relief to hear that. I didn't understand any of this therapy stuff. It did take several sessions, and her saying that it was ok for me to finally spit out that desire of mine.

I had trouble with number 2. Not that the therapist tried to be my friend, but I desperately wanted HER to be my friend. I totally get it though. I just wished I had a friend like her. One who actually listened, and asked that "right" question to get me to change focus into a new direction and out of my rut of thinking.

Want to learn more about therapy? Here are 4 things NOT to say in therapy: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-H714wnQn2uw.html

I thought that, with enough time and/or the right therapist, therapy COULD fix all of your problems. But, now that you're saying this, I think I need to reconsider how I think about therapy. I've been waiting to make changes in my life until I could talk things over with a therapist but now maybe I just need to make plans on the side and not lean so much on a therapist or wait around to get one to make progress in my life, eh?

My ex therapist did #5 and #6 every session. I’m a little surprised. I have a family member that was a part of my trauma. They are a completely different person now. I do keep in touch with messages on there birthday and such but I still don’t fully trust them because of the past so I keep a safe distance. My therapist would constantly, every session, try to talk me into having more of a relationship with this person. Every session I’d have to repeatedly explain the trauma they caused and that I don’t want a close relationship with this person. I think the therapist wanted me to have some relationship with my own family and they thought this family member was a safe person. They probably are, but they still harmed me and I can forgive, I just can’t forget. Also, when I would walk in for my session there would be files where they had to add notes to finish the report and then the file could be put away. Every session as I walked in the first thing I would do was see how many files they had on there desk. 2, 4. This would tell me how long I would just do small talk with them before I could get there attention for the real start of the session. Somehow I just let them take what is my time, I just allowed them to walk all over me.

Instead of "Why did you do that?" my therapist uses "Why do YOU think you did that/reacted like that?" They're not being judgemental but trying to get me to understand my actions or thought patterns.

When you speak about judgment in #4, it really resonated with me. I notice many of my clients have a difficult time accepting that they need the help and that they should be taking the hour for themselves, and while doing so need someone who will make them feel safe and validated. Great points!

I have my first therapy appointment for my newly diagnosed ADHD next month. Thank you, because I’m 49 and have never been to therapy. Just listening helps me feel more prepared!

I love how you have a pause between listing things so that I can process what you just said

i'm starting therapy this week and really needed this video, i hope my therapy journey goes nice. thanks a lot

❤❤ thank you. I never knew what not to expect. I always knew what to expect so thank you 🙂

Kati, you give such good advice. Thank you for all the information you continue to give me.

I had a great therapist. Mainly because he used EMDR. Made great strides, but then he moved back to New York. It's incredible how hard it is to try and find EMDR in Memphis.

Thank you for this. I have just begun therapy and I wasn’t sure if the therapist was “good” but this video has helped me realize that she is quite good. I feel comfortable with her and I can’t imagine her doing any of these things.

Great info! I've had issues with 4 & 5. I can't say my visits with 5 therapists over the years have been fruitful.

Informative vid, Katie! 💓💚💙🌸💐

Well said! 100% agree.

Thank you for this video! Actually, all your videos! This video makes me appreciate my therapist even more.

My therapist has been clear since I started seeing her last year that it will take time. I have complex PTSD with a dissociative disorder and somatization, so it really is a long process and it's important to understand that it has to take time to heal. You can't hurry recovery or rush to a quick fix (that's what sedatives are for, but they will likely only make you feel better for a short period of time). I reminded a friend of this. She had started seeing a therapist for anxiety and said to me: "I've already seen her five times and I don't feel better at all! I'm going to end the therapy next week." So, using my understanding of my own issues, I had to calmly explain to her that these things takes a lot longer than five sessions and possible reasons. She took my advice and thanked me for it later.

Thanks as always Katie!

I appreciate this information. Thank you so much. 🙏🦋

Your videos are EXTREMELY HELPFUL THANKS

Love watching your videos kati ❤❤

I also feel like that therapists should not be late to appointments on a regular basis, even if they are online. My therapist does this quite often, and last week, bailed on me about 10 minutes before our session was suppose to start. I have asked her before if we need to change our day or time, but she said no. However, yet, she's often about 5 minutes late, but still ending our session 5 minutes before the end of the hour.

Thank you Katie.

Thanks for the video!

Great video Katie!

Thank you for your video ❤

I am not surprised by number 1 and 5, not even back when I started going to therapy. I knew I had to keep going back to fully recover from a lot of emotional and psychosocial issues I still have (at least to a certain extent). I had to be prepared for the long journey of healing from the pain I been going.

great. about to share it with all my friends

Yes!, crucial video !

You are amazing always have good advice for us. Thanks for your vide

I'm the type of person that would prefer a non-traditional therapeutic setting. Like hiking while talking or bird watching and talking or enjoying a nice meal while talking. If I do have to be stationary I'd rather get a massage, facial, Mani/Pedi.

Can a therapist sue for an honest google review? Bc I’d really like to warn others about my former therapist. One time she called and asked me to come back to the office after i had already returned home from my session. I get there and she says she needs me to give her a ride somewhere AND give her a ride back to the office. Also She was always texting while I talked and she loved talking about HER problems to me. I know all about her neighbor problems and friend issues. She made me feel SO bad about some bad choices I made. She’d make me explain the details of the choices to her and when I struggled to get the words out she would say ‘sorry I’ve just never done anything like that so I don’t know how it works”. She also changed the subject when I would talk about my past and tell me not to look back there. I was put in an adolescent lock down facility as a teenager and I lived there for a whole year without ever seeing my parents. My parents refuse to discuss it and won’t let me bring up my time there. It’s awkward to bring it up w peers too. So I longed to tell someone ANYONE about how I found myself there and how I grew. But this therapist didn’t let me speak of it. Each time I tried she’d say “it’s like that place is a grey cloud hanging over your headim like ok yeah it’s a grey cloud bc it’s bottled up inside me duh! She also made me feel like I should be a Republican since I’m a Christian and was constantly going off on political tangents in order to get me to agree w her. 😢 She also had me convinced I needed to keep seeing her and so I did for 8 whole years never once being late or cancelling. My issues grew worse and she had me convinced I was some kind of friend or confident to her so I grew an unhealthy attachment to her. Should I put all this on a review on google? My mom said don’t burn bridges. But this one is already burned!

Glad that I found this vid. I haven’t try therapy yet but I know to myself I really needed it cause of depression and anhedonia. I still have an anhedonia and it really messes my life cause I don’t know what I want and I can’t feel any passion in everything. But therapy here in my country 🇵🇭 is just only few and I can’t really find them, Idk how to find them. Glad that I’ve watched this first cause I might get offended if I didn’t feel cared or just listened to my therapists if he/she might not be the one therapist for me. It’s also great that Katy says we deserve to be cared and respected.

Therapy is great but it’s you taking responsibility that will make the difference 🙏🏻

I had a therapist at Community Mental Health.. every week I had to go over my entire history with her. By the end I ran out of time every single week. We go nowhere. I wasted a whole month with her because the court was not listening.

Great video. As a previously practising therapist I'm familiar with these tips. Now I'm engaging with therapy for myself, I'm finding I'm a tricky customer! Yikes. 😬

This is a helpful list, Kati. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately none of our issues made this list. She never claimed to have any interest in helping me, I was too stressed out to tell her anything, and we were both glad when the session was over. My mom was mad that she had to take time out of her busy schedule to take me, so there were no winners.

After visiting my doctor and the emergency room over and over again I was told to see a therapist. My expectation was okay they will find the problem and help me fix it. Every therapist I have seen has had me try the Buddhist stuff and after that didn't work they recommended medication. So, in short, watch a few deep breathing, grounding, meditation-videos, if that doesn't work, they will just suggest medication.

Hi, my therapist told me that is not ok to make observations nor even diagnosis of third people based on what someone share within therapy. This was after I had conversations with my ex and she told me stuff that her therapist said about me, opinions, judgments and some diagnosis of my behavior. I took notes and brought them to my therapist in good faith, to help her help me better, and she got a little bit upset, she didn't agree with the observations and told me that that's something her colleage shouldn't have done

I had online therapist,she didnt want to do video calls only voice calls,which I was ok with that time,but after a 2 or 3 calls I relised that is not for me,I heard her to do different stuff in the backround ,also I found out she was commenting on FB at the same time as my call with her was,so no more,thank you,🙂I dont need someone who doesnt interest..its really hard to find good one...

I wish I didn't have to expect my therapists to drop me as a client... everybody just gives up. I get evaluated for autism on February 28th (I'm 32) I'm hoping this changes stuff, no medication or therapy I've tried has ever helped. I'm so exhausted

Good video.

Love from Syria You are wonderful

Kati Morton this video is so helpful and informative and very important I am in therapy but not the therapy I had hoped for my therapist seems nice and listens and cares and she's very understanding the only thing that I feel isn't good or feel it won't be as helpful and benefit me because it's only phone call therapy session s and I'll be starting video call therapy I wanted proper face to face therapy but was told it wasn't a option I honestly feel therapy can be helpful but also triggering and very uncomfortable I'm always struggling to share and I hate being made to talk about my past /my childhood/my family /plus past relationship s and friendships makes me emotional and sometimes close up this video was interesting though❤️❤️

Can you please do a video on Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder or even Intermittent Explosive Disorder

I had a two-hour intake with a therapist who took a phone call during the session. At my next appointment, he had no idea who I was, introduced himself, and tried to start intake again. I reminded him we’d had intake the week prior and he said I must be confused because he didn’t have any paperwork or notes from it. Soooo I guess he also lost that. I was gutted. I quietly left and never saw him again. I still don’t believe he didn’t remember tbh. I’m not sure what was going on.

This just popped up on my main RU-vid feed, so I'm about a month "late". Thanks for this, Kati! It's super interesting to hear, especially after coming across that new Apple TV show "Shrinking", where Jason Segal's character (a psychotherapist) does almost ALL the things you've mentioned. I get that he's struggling after the death of his wife, but that doesn't mean that he should neglect his professional ethics. Worst yet, I don't think Apple should've allowed this behaviour to be painted in a good light - as if ALL therapists should be telling us to break up with that toxic partner, should be on call even during a session with another patient or even develop a friendship with their patients. I've not actually finished the season because the first couple of episodes just rubbed me the wrong way, so maybe things change, but the implications from those episodes still exist in my opinion

You’re my therapist and there’s nothing you can say to get me to find one in person because I did it many times before and only you and Dr Tracey Marks has helped me. She’s on yt too. Y’all are the best!!

could you do a video about Crab-mania.

Not a single therapist or counselor I have ever seen in the last decade and a half has been helpful. Fortunately, my latest therapist is much less insufferable than the cavalcade that came before. Still, she isn't any more helpful. Which sucks. It feels like I need a combination therapist/philosopher/exorcist. A tall order for anybody.

I stopped seeing a therapist once because she called my (ex) husband and his brothers losers. One was finishing up a doctorate and the other two had masters and good careers, but universities/paying back student loans + everything else was already so expensive they all sometimes needed financial help from their parents (unexpected expenses like car repairs etc). She said that made them losers and leeches. It was ridiculous. There were other rude things she said as well, but that was the final straw. 6 sessions with her was 6 sessions too many.

could you do a video about Cheerful personality disorder? Such as when i am cheerful even after i have received a threat of a governmental entity twice and they are continuing to withheld freedom of movement of various women personel even nonfighters in Ukraine.

I've been in therapy off and on since 1976. It used to help. It hasn't been at all helpful since they embraced CBT, which is basically the lyrics to "Whistle a Happy Tune." They tell us to ignore our feelings and "choose happiness." I see. Being depressed is a CHOICE, so I should feel guilty too, huh? What a crock. Basically what they are telling you to do is MASK -- even from yourself.

The one thing I learned from therapy is that a therapist's job NOT to solve my life's problems. Their job is to guide me on my journey of self-reflection. A therapist asks questions and challenges delusions and provides tools for me so I, too, can challenge my own delusions. Tools such as DBT, CBT, and ACT have significantly helped anchor me in the present and shift in the way I think about my struggles and experiences, which helps me with solving current problems and perceiving future ones.

I tried a couple of therapy sessions and neither was a good fit. The first one told my family everything that I said even though I wasn't a danger to myself or others, and the second one had me try all this weird new age stuff for my anxiety. After that I gave up on therapy and have just suffered in silence. Also, I'm pretty self-aware of why I am the way I am and I don't understand why I am paying someone more than I can afford to essentially fix myself. I'm paying them to fix me, not to waste money while someone tries to find ways to make to make me have a revelation that I already had 20 years ago.

All of us are deserving of care ♥♥♥

Sometimes finding enough to use and lessening whatever doesn't work is a big challenge.

Two of my therapists actually yelled at my face to shove my problems in my pocket and I quote " If you can't stop crying go get institutionalized" I had the worst therapists that's why even with chronical depression I don't take therapy anymore

If a therapist referred to me as a "patient", they'd be in for a serious attitude adjustment talk.

I had a therapist that made me feel like I was her favorite soap opera. She was so excited yo hear the next crazy crap I was going through. Like my mess was entertaining.

Being friendly and friendship are very different, makes it hard to have friends as a Therapist without raising profesional boundries when they ask for advice.

I've tried going to a shrink. They told me I should "be more optimistic".

#7 - Your therapist should not fall asleep during your session #8 - Your therapist should not eat lunch during your session #9 - Your therapist should not bring their pet(s) to you your session without discussing it with you before hand.. All of these things happened during sessions with one of my therapists.

Thanks, good to know and expect. I have not gone for many years for several reasons but am looking into it. I remember a "light bulb" joke that seems somewhat illustrative of what to expect, from your therapist and yourself and not meant to be a critizism. My understanding is that a therapist cannot fix you but help you fix yourself. "How many psychatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One but the bulb really has to want to change." Sorry no offense meant.

I mentioned my hesitation in starting to date to different therapists.. Both offered unsolicited advice which I felt obligated to try. I agree that unsolicited advice should be ignored at a bare minimum.

I expect nothing from therapy and I'm still disappointed.

Do you have any suggestions for people who are interested in going to therapy but aren't very good at communicating? I'm not very good at putting thoughts into words so I'm not sure if sitting down and trying to talk to someone would be very productive.

I agree with all of this, I think. One thing I thought might be useful to some to add is knowing too little can get in the way. For me, I couldn't trust or respect a Catholic therapist as much, and as a post-Mormon, I couldn't have a Mormon therapist, so I gotta know.

lmao my therapist asks me why all the time

Can we share your videos? I would like to discuss with my friend about it. Thank you.

5:47 *UNSOLICITED ADVICE* Only after watching this video do I realize this one is still burning down my house. About two years into talk therapy I started seeing a new family medicine doctor. Because my previous GP, I asked for a prescription for low-dose lorazepam. But, my GP wouldn’t do so, saying it was “addictive” blah, blah, blah. But she COULD write me for (generic) Prozac which I declined. Later on, I told my talk therapist about this, and she said she thought it was a good idea. I said, _Really?”_ I ended up thinking, “Wow. I must be _really_ messed up if my own therapist thinks I need to be on medication. Honestly, I was crushed. But I trusted my therapist and went and got the prescription for the Prozac. But I didn’t take it right away. I held onto it, unopened in the brown prescription bag for 30 days. The original prescription called for 1 10 mg pill once a day for the first 7 days and then two 10mg tablets twice a day. But, being terrified of this medication, I didn’t do that. I only too 1/4 of 10 mg tablet per day for the first two weeks. After that, I did 1/2 10 mg pill for the next two weeks. When I disclosed to my therapist I was now finally starting to take the meds, she said, “OK, so now you’re looking at being on it for about 6 months (to see the benefit).” That hit me like a ton of bricks, almost like a prison sentence. I was now supposed to “do a 6 month stint.” I finally got up to the full dose of 20 mg/day, but I did so SLOWLY. And have been on it for two years now non-stop. In many ways, the pills worked. I stopped having chronic pain induced by the PTSD. But it has been detrimental in other regards, undermining the sense of my own sanity. Occasionally, I look around at other people whose mental problems are very obvious (like street people or people living out of their cars) and I think, “OK. So I’m not quite as bad off as them. I guess, I’m still looked at in the bell curve of _‘normal.’”_ I don’t really know what the pathway forward is now. I can’t afford to see this therapist right now, so I’m kind of just stuck here with the GP and the Prozac … lol. Oh, well. Haha

i find it hard there is a 3 year nationwide law in the US, i would think that would vary by state

How about doing one on what we should expect from therapistsI think people understand what they should not do.

After telling a therapist i'm into BDSM, they straight up said they don't wanna be my therapist anymore and wanna dom me. We met up twice on neutral ground, not therapy, not BDSM, and i guess i'm lucky that i was aware and insightful enough to sense the imbalance in our dynamic. I don't believe he wanted anything different than what he openly told me, but still, it didn't feel right. I never contacted him for a third meeting, and he never contacted me either. With the benefit of letting that experience settle for a few years i can see how ready i was to transfer all the trust i would have for a therapist into this new dynamic where that trust would have been misplaced. I guess i'm lucky the BDSM community taught me to protect myself, especially as a submissive. And also that outside of BDSM i'm one strong-willed mofo.

A therapist shouldn't pause to take a personal call, eat candy and drink coffee/energy drinks during the session, make judgments about your choices, make rude comments about your partner, talk about another client, talk about him/herself a lot, or talk way more than the client. Yes, this all happened. There are a lot of lousy therapists out there. Beyond the lack of professionalism and human decency, I sense that some hadn't worked enough on their own issues. Fortunately, I finally found a great one.

Is there a way to get an evaluation on what disorders you may or may not have And if you do have one, is the person actually required to seek any help at all?

I have a urgent question. Is it normal for therapists to tell you „I am not always going to be nice“ ..in the First Session or ever??? It sits very bad with me, since it Sounds like a threat. Or like something a Sports coach would say to his Team , to excuse beforehand all the yelling he‘s planning to do.

How to find a therapist in Ontario?