All the roots of many emotional disorders not specifically pointed out to the single traumatized event but to the ongoing dysfunctional relationship patterns between parents and child.
I just watched all the videos of the channel and all the content was very helpful. The individuation is what I've been seeking for over a decade, and it's not easy dealing with the stress of being overloaded with father's projection. Now it became more possible to overcome and it's a relieve. Thank you so much!
Thank you very much for sharing this - I'm here with my pen and notebook! I find the distress tolerance of self-differentiation the most challenging element - when I state/maintain a boundary with my family member, they will deny its validity through passive aggression, rationalising, defensiveness, open hostility etc. I then feel intense feelings of shame and a sense of worthlessness that can last for days or weeks. It can then be hard to remember that this suffering is a part of a process of self-differentiation. So I really appreciate that you acknowledged how discomfort can manifest as days of anxiety - sometimes I think 'discomfort' sounds like a bit of an understatement haha!
You're brave for doing it though. The thing is, we heal for ourselves. We can't heal the dysfunctional family members in our lives. It's not your responsibility to take on their misery. They will absolutely lash out and fight back when they notice you assert yourself. But it's not about their feelings. It's about yours. So do it anyway.
I always say it over and over again, family is the cancer cell of society - not always of course, but in a lot of cases. We need to implement a system in our society to raise children free from their toxic parents so they are able to grow into high quality humans, intelligent, non-traumatized, non-twisted, but as healthy intelligent free thinking people. It's possible but we need to have a strong system that can do it.
I very much so agree! No idea how to go about doing it, but it's so needed. I think a lot of the problems we have on a mass scale in society are due to a lack of individuals getting the chance to grow into a high level of maturity in their family homes before they leave out "into the wild." Thanks for watching and for your reply. Welcome to the channel. :)
This was so helpful. When you mentioned the idea of being selective with "Fs" and setting boundaries with everything else, for the first time I could feel strong individuation, as if my energy had been spread too thinly or too easily fused with others before. I am now convinced that self-differentiation is possible, and not some quality I can't find. Thankyou.
Hi Lewis! That makes me so happy to hear. Glad this was helpful in some way, as I know the process is hard. But yes, self-differentiation is definitely possible. Thanks so much for watching and commenting! ♥️🙏
wonderful sharing & work! I am adding this to my existing long-term mindfulness tools I have been using, I am curious how these new ones can + impact on my journey! Thx for your work & book recommendations!
I’m an mft student and your talk had so many gems in it I had to rewind it a bunch of times in order to absorb everything. I hope you make more videos I love how you deliver your message and also explain how knowing this stuff can help us in our daily lives
Thank you so much for watching and for the kind words from a fellow MFT nerd! 🥰 I will definitely be making more videos later this year. Had to take a break to finish up internship, but will be back! ♥️
I devour RU-vid videos like this and yours is one of the most clear and helpful ones I've come across in a long time and probably top all time. I've gone through SO much pain over my struggle to self-validate and differentiate myself from a rather dysfunctional family system (high functioning alcholic mother, I was the black sheep/ADHD kid). So glad your video showed up, I'm now going to binge your channel.
Thank you for that feedback! Have been thinking a lot about how I really want you all to feel how empathetic I am of this process, as it’s not easy and I went through it myself for over 15 years. So I hope everyone that lands here and listens understands what I say comes from a deep place within me! 💜🙏
Hi Deborah, this was a good video. I'm in the middle of trying to work out getting divorced from a narcissist. I am about 3 months into my journey of self discovery and differentiation and trying to overcome the toxic patterns of the past. This is such difficult work. I feel like some days I am moving forward and then I'll have a talk with my wife and suddenly I feel like I have not grown at all. I get so frustrated with myself when it feels like I am stuck in the mud, but I will keep moving forward.
It's very difficult work. But it's worth every moment. What you're dealing with is the trauma someone else inflicted on you. It's going to take time and it won't be easy always. But you will come out of this. You will succeed and you will be happy again.
I would really just like to say thank you for posting this video. My wife of 10 years and I just separated because she decided at age 39 that she wants to move back home and live with her parents. She had her own career which she was great at. We had a beautiful house in a VERY nice neighborhood in Charlotte, NC. She had her own friends, her own husband(me), her own life. She gave all of that up to move back home, to Maine, and live in her parents spare bedroom. We've been separated for since March, and I still struggle with what could've possibly been going on in her mind that led her to make this decision. Now it makes complete sense after watching this video. Her family is completely enmeshed with each other.
Stephen, thanks so much for watching and for sharing your reflections! I wanted to post my reply here in case anyone identifies with your situation and it could be helpful to hear: There is always hope that others will break the bonds of enmeshment, but we cannot control what they do or don’t work on, or the timing of when they do, unfortunately. In my many decades doing this work personally in my own life, working with thousands of clients and students, and understanding the theory of it all, I have learned that all we can control is our own personal development. As we shift ourselves and change our emotional reactions, expectations, and patterns, the people we relate to begin to shift in their ways with us as well. However, we cannot control when or how they will change. So your personal development might inspire your ex-wife to change in some way, but perhaps not in the way you hope or want, and probably not on the timeline you hope or want. Therefore, part of the process is to let go of expectations and control. Let her have her process. Let her make her mistakes. And focus on you and your healing and growth: - Find a good family systems therapist and immerse yourself in the inner work. - Reflect on your own family dynamics and your own patterns that can be improved on. - Connect with people who are focused on personal growth. - Find a spiritual practice to help you find peace and perspective, such as meditation. - Channel your energy into things you love to do and bring you alive. - Nurture the relationships in your life that are healthy and supportive. - Let the cards fall where they may. Often, if we entered into relationship with someone with deeply enmeshed family dynamics, it’s because we also have enmeshed dynamics somewhere in our lives, though our dynamics might look different from those of our partner’s on the surface. Cut-off and emotional distance from our family system, for example, is a form of enmeshment. Just with the opposite reaction. We run away from, instead of glue to, our family. But it’s still the same root problem. So what I would advise you to look within before looking outside! Even if nothing changes in your ex-wife’s mind or life, the inner work you do will help you feel more peace with the situation so that you do not suffer as much. I know this answer is not the most comforting to hear, but I promise you that if you go through the fire of this challenging time in your life and allow yourself to grow and transform from it, you will find a type of peace on the other side that you did not even know was possible!
Mark my old friend! Omg I swear I thought of you this past week as I was looking for hypnotherapists here in Brazil! Synchronicity! 🥰 Hope all is well! Let’s reconnect soon! 💜🙏
This video is unbelievably helpful. I am 53 and have a lot of work to do on exactly this subject in myself. Just this morning, in church, the vicar mentioned putting on a special event next week for a particular reason and I thought 'hmm not my thing' (and was quite pleased to notice that ) that thought was immediately blocked by all the reasons why I must quash my feelings and thoughts and force myself to go along to it even though it wasn't helpful or my cup of tea but I was already telling myself that I needed the vicar's approval. Odd and timely that I came across your video today just after wrestling with the 'do I please me or the vicar?' dilemma in church.
I do that every day but my own family hates that shit I showed every day. I I’m fighting back to be happy me and don’t want me to be that sane person. I wear as a defense mechanism invisible masked on my face and sees this as my true self but reality is not. It just to defend me from getting hurt any further from damaged from my own family.
@@Kieslowski1 Bowen book is extremely large and not that organized. I ll check out the other 2. Let me know if you have any other recommendations. Thanks!
@@nadaskafskaf7803 I hear you. I liked but it does drag on a bit and is a big one. But it did really hit the nail on the head for me many times throughout. What are you looking for exactly? It seems like you maybe looking for a more specific aspect around the topics differentiation, or emancipation from enmeshment? Are you looking for books more about enmeshment then I'd go with Ken Adams books. Or if it's the concept of self-differentiation, then the named Bowen experts and of course Murray Bowen's book. if it's differentiation in the context of romantic love I'd recommend Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. More I am not are of at this point. Let me know what you end up with pls? I am always curious to know more things.
My self validation is on the ground, and I react too harshly to some criticisms or even jokes I didn't think were jokes. It's ruining yet another one of my relationships.
Hi Ian! Be patient with yourself. These patterns run very deep and root back in our childhoods and past relationships, but especially in our childhoods, when we most needed a secure attachment to validate us, so that we can then slowly mirror them over time and learn to validate ourselves in the same way. This leads to finding healthy, secure attachments in our relationships in adult life. Many parents did not know how to properly provide this type of validation and secure attachment, and it leaves a gaping void inside of us as we enter into adult relationships. We then often seek out partners that reflect the way our parents treated us, so the issue is perpetuated instead of healed. Ideally, we would enter into relationships with people that could provide a secure attachment and validate us in a balanced way (without creating an exaggerated dependence) as we learned to do it for ourselves, but those don't tend to be the partners we are attracted to. Much of romantic and emotional attraction is based on the "imprints" our parents left in our psyches, and we tend to find the "familiar" patterns attractive in adult relationships. Meaning, we aren't attracted to what's actually healthy or healing for us, but rather what feels familiar to us, even if it's unhealthy. Oftentimes, our chosen partners have complementary wounds and coping mechanisms. Meaning, it's likely that your partner's particular wounding makes it hard for them to provide validation, maybe they don't know how to or had a parent who demanded to much of it and it overwhelmed them, so now it feels overwhelming or confusing to help you with your need for validation. It's likely that the relationship you are in will not be able to provide you with the secure attachment and validation you need to heal, so you will need to do work on this for yourself slowly over time with the help of trusted others. The process of differentiation in this case would be to learn to see your partner's wounding and not take it personally, realizing that they are not able to validate you not because you are "unlovable" but rather because they don't know how or feel overwhelmed - that's their inner work. And then your inner work is to learn to get your validation needs elsewhere - from friends, a skilled therapist, a support group - then remembering to use their validation to learn to validate yourself over time. Our psyche is always trying to work out that which is not yet developed in it by seeking that "wound" out and playing out a different outcome. This is all an unconscious process - something deep within us that we don't really control or see happening drives this process, not because we are flawed or stupid, it's just nature's way. Again, this process is slow and takes a lot of time and effort. It took me many years! And many of my clients spent many years of trial and error working on this as well. But it's SO worth it! Life is a lifelong journey of learning and growing - it never stops. So take it step by step and even try to find the humor in it all if you can! I wanted to write this long answer for you, as others have had similar questions and perhaps this answer will help others out there who watch and struggle in a similar way! Much love and wisdom to you on your journey! We are all in this together - trust that!
Hey there! No problem! I’m not wearing lipstick here, I believe the lighting gives that affect. I have some professional lighting going on as I recorded in a dark room!
