Enmeshment is culturally normalized in the way that corporal punishment on kids used to be culturally normalized (and still is normalized in many parts of the world). People like you are helping to change the world. Enmeshment trauma NEEDS to be revealed in mainstream discussions of trauma. There is an epidemic of people who hate themselves and have no idea why because "they had a loving family, after all" and so they just get antidepressants to numb the pain of what they see as nothing other than a "chemical imbalance."
I'm married to a man deeply enmeshed with adult daughters. They use that grandkids as pawns and manipulate my husband. My husband is also manipulative. They're abusive. So dysfunctional and heartbreaking.
Unfortunately, these patterns get passed down from generation to generation until someone is willing to look at them and do something different. It is incredibly hard to shift it as intergenerational systems have huge emotional and behavioral momentum behind them. However, if one person is willing to change even one pattern they notice, it can make a huge difference down the line! It only takes one person to shift the whole system. If you have a close relationship with any of the grandkids and you behave differently from their parents and your husband, they will have a role model for potential difference in behavior. This could have a huge difference down the line for them. I had an aunt that was much more differentiated than my enmeshed mother and this aunt - without even meaning to - set a huge example for me to be more differentiated than my mother. Never underestimate your power in setting an example for those around you just by being a more regulated nervous system with more emotionally mature patterns of behavior! As Bowen said: “You can’t control a whole damn family, but you can control you, and anytime you can control you, the family is a healthier organism. That is a reason to become a self. The more you can become a self, the more to your advantage, and the family’s.” And this does not matter if you are blood-related or not, as long as you are present in the family in some way, your nervous system becomes a part of the collective system and has influence, even if small.
This is quite common. Forgive them for not having the level of consciousness to know or do otherwise. And keep working to be the most differentiated version of you. Remember that true love is free, you do not owe anyone anything outside of basic human rights, like respect.
Forgiveness by definition can’t be earned because the original offense can’t be erased. Forgiveness is given, not earned. Trust, however, must be re-earned.
I'm so glad I've found your channel. It perfectly describes my relationship with my parents. Sadly, I'm no longer a friend of their souls. I want them to suffer for this enmeshment they put me through.
You explain all this with such clarity. I hope there are parents, who hold their children in enmeshment, understand what you are saying. Conditional love is not love.
Allow? It's not the families purpose to 'allow' you to do anything once you become adults. It is the responsibility of healthy parents to help their children become fully independent of one another in both times of prosperity and crisis. At least, if it's a loving one & you're goal is to see all succeed. You're not obligated to do anything for anyone unless you work for them which can happen in many cases if you are so emeshed that you are running a family business together for instance. Obviously, you're not going to need help if you're the member/s of the family that are living in prosperity. It is when you see other's in crisis or need that you should feel the desire and freedom to help if you so choose but this is by no means an obligation, nor should it be.
After 2 years of misunderstanding with my younger sister ( 25 ) where she stopped calling on birthdays, asking any question about me, but still calling me and needing me when something bad was happening in her life.. I told her about it. I’m very independent and did tons of therapy and individuation. I’m loyal but I don’t want anyone in my life giving me their opinion about my choices, behaviors, I don’t want projections, disrespect, etc.. I had all of this and I don’t want. My sister told me she wants me to be more in touch on daily basis and tell her about my problems (???) on daily basis, so she can be there for me, she told me she never saw me truly happy and that makes her sad ( ?? ) - projection , she told me she loves me so much and she wants us to be just happy ( I am happy…) - more projection… I first felt guilty as I was abandoning her. Then I was like: I am not like this, I don’t want a daily basis immersive experience of sisterhood. I don’t want anyone telling me: I don’t see you happy… ( instead of asking and stop projecting ). I don’t want anyone clinging to me in daily baisis to feel we love each other.. we are adults. Nor confuse love and respect, mostly respect with being cold. Respect and education for them is being cold. Immersed in you and opinionated on you with no boundaries … that’s love. (????)
This is an excellent question and worth a video on its own, which I’ll add to the list. However, in short, in healthy families that loyalty shift is celebrated. A simple and common example: If your parents invite you to spend the holidays with them, and you respond with, “This year I’m going to spend them with my fiancé’s family out-of-state.” In a differentiated family system the response from your parents would be a very balanced, “Oh how wonderful! Hope you have fun! We will miss you guys, but know you’ll be here in spirit.” They celebrate you having a new life and other connections and experiences, even if it “takes you away” from them at times. In an enmeshed family system, there’s often some type of emotional reaction and push back. This can manifest in many ways - passive aggressive remarks, silent treatment, criticism, guilt trips, drama, getting other family members involved, cold shoulder, talking and complaining behind your back, subtle manipulation or negotiation to get you to change your mind, and so on. But the basic premise is there’s no respect for your autonomous choice and loyalty to your future marriage first. I will go more into your questions in another video!
great video! any tips for navigating a horribly enmeshed mil and family system? hubby’s mom comes from a very co-dependent and enmeshed family system. hubby has broken away from that to a degree but she still tries to use those tactics of guilt, shame, manipulation to get us/him to do things she wants. she character assassinates me to him if i say or do things like be honest or tell her off for crossing a boundary. we’d like our kids to have some kind of relationship with their grandmother but not at the expense of the greater good and emotional well-being of the family and my mental health. i feel hubby could be more direct with her but it’s not his style. he lays boundaries in his own way but i’d prefer them to be more direct. it’s an ongoing issue and seems to be more obvious now we have young kids.
Although I of course may be able to connect directly with the points that you have provided in this video...I, alone realize that although I may actually be somewhat distant from my direct family members, by all means if any given time was directed to me to step up and serve my purpose of divine protection and services as well as support and strength...I would be there at a moments notice...no exceptions whatsoever.
Can we talk about the adult children’s kids in an enmeshed family shaming the dad for dating. Can we talk about the enmeshed man allowing a parent and their adult children to make him feel guilty for raising “step”grandchildren. We never got married because of the entangled family unit. I backed off after he agreed to help me raise preteen grandchildren we moved in together after several years of dating, the kids came and his mindset shifted either because of his families jealous attitudes are because he lied to me about wanting to help me raise them. Unfortunately it feel apart after so much pressure from his family. 10 years together down the tube but I learned a sh** ton from them. So moving on.
Enmeshed family systems cause a huge problem for the intimate relationships of adult individuals. They are overly involved, projecting all of their fears, insecurities, needs, and anxieties. If the adult is not well-differentiated, they will not know how to manage and prioritize intimacy with their chosen adult intimate partners. Their decisions will always be swayed by the family of origin’s opinion and the fear they feel of the family of origin reacting to them or “losing their love” which is the root fear. I will go more into this over time, as the effects of enmeshment and differentiation on intimate relationships will be a big focus on this channel.
@@deborahlara thank you this is such a big issue… he def worried more about what they thought and how he should act within his family. This man is 64 right now and I’m 55 it was one hell of a road to walk down. I still cry sometimes.. nI stupidly kept going back because he told me he had hope and it nearly broke me when I caught him manipulating. I blocked him its been well over 30 days. Im still recovering from the toxic level it got to. I should have known when you see two grown senior men still being toted around by their mother in the backseat of her car… that should have been a big red flag. The weirdest part for me is seeing him defend the bad behaviors for instance of his brother as of it were his son. Or his mothers really bad behaviors as if it were his wife. He never protected me like that but the moment He saw his mother do something to me he downplayed it. It was so grossly out of proportion and undeniably the most backstabbing “love “ i have ever seen or heard of.
That sounds like it veers into the territory of childhood emotional neglect rather than/in addition to enmeshment. It might be good to explore childhood patterns of your parents possibly having "used you as needed" but discarding you during times in which you weren't useful.
You do not have to have loyalty to your family. You don't have to have loyalty to friends or anyone. You don't owe anything to anyone and they also don't owe you anything. You are your own person and you don't need anyone at all. Good Luck!
@sonicleaves I am interested in understanding what loyalty means to you. I am not sure I understand what you mean by "You do not have to have loyalty to your family." Isnt family our soft place to go to when the world out there is harsh?
A very common criticism when not considering the human developmental and evolutionary perspective. And when not refuting the core issue being presented.
This "the more independent children are, the better" is such an outdated model and so unsupported by research. There is very important cutting edge data from research in Self Determination Theory showing that the more "autonomously dependent" children are on their families the better they perform at college and the higher they score for markers of psychological health. Not all closeness is "enmeshment". Healthy interdependence creates the healthiest individuals and the healthiest relationships and is seen in indigenous peoples still living in the sort of tribal structures in which humans evolved for tens of thousands of years. For a deeper understanding of the health of human social systems, I highly recommend Ed Deci's book Why We Do What We Do.
@@Beth_1982-h2s This is incredible information and will be doing a deep dive into this. If you can recommend any resources I would greatly appreciate it. 💜
