Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert who helps women heal from codependency and create more fulfilling relationships with boundaries. Through her work and 25+ years of experience, she has empowered thousands of women to stop over-giving and to be authentically seen and heard.
Check out Terri's three books: Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free: boundarybossbook.com The Boundary Boss Workbook: boundarybossworkbook.com Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency: hfcbook.com
Terri's signature course is Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
Looking forward to watching more, I’ve not been able to get out from under my guilt and shame and it has been feeding strong SI that’s only been getting worse, to make things much worse the people I’ve betrayed / hurt in the past refuse to let me forget it - they define me by my past mistakes and insist that they’re being angelic to me yet I’m narrowly escaping my own desire to not be here any more daily.
I am so sorry to hear you're struggling with people in your life defining you by your past mistakes. If you believe you are in danger of harming yourself, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family or clergy so you are not alone during this time. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and the crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. I have other free mental health resources listed on my website here: terricole.com/gethelp I hope you find this resources helpful, as I am unable to offer any personalized assistance. I am sending you so much strength and love to get through this. ❤️❤️❤️
I am watching this in 2024 I am just 21 and I have made terrible mistakes for two times in my life concerning my finances When I get a huge amount of money I spend it recklessly without doing something important in my life and I just feel guilty of how I spent the money the way i did And I want to overcome those mistakes to do better and feel better
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ This is more common than you might think. So many of us have stories about money from our family of origin. This episode on financial boundaries may help as it talks about discovering your "money blueprint" (those inherited beliefs from family): ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-oZQSCBSHQL0.html You can also spend some time exploring the reasons why you spent it via journaling. It might be helpful to think about what kind of emotions you were feeling before you got the money and when you got the money, or what kind of thoughts you were having prior to it. It's also worthwhile to ask yourself if you saw this type of behavior from anyone growing up, as you may have learned it elsewhere.
Exactly! Hold on - ask first who was the one responsible for the upbringing and trauma transfer of this adult child. IT WAS YOU. Whatever went wrong, it's on you. Whatever an adult child is struggling with, is on you. Maybe not pay their rent but damn at least face reality. Boomers often think they have their ish together while being totally oblivious to deeper emotional and social dynamics. Like "omg i did a shit job with my kid and now he is a loser poor poor ME." So everyone shut the f up and stop blaming others for stuff that you did. We are all here together in this awful mess called earth. Jesus fkn christ :)
I have listened to this question with interest as it does occur often but yet is difficult to grasp the concept, and put into words. I think I might have the wrong meaning and I would also appreciate more clarification and examples of this question. 🙂🙌
Thanks for asking! Let's say you confide in a pal about a health scare you're experiencing, and they begin to panic, asking you if you've done X, Y, and Z, thought about this or that, or worse, talk about how it's going to affect THEM. These are all examples of making YOUR pain and situation about them. In a healthy, supportive relationship, the pal might say, "I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds scary. How are you feeling? What support do you need?" Basically, it looks like the person you're confiding in not being able to sit with you in your pain. Instead, they jump to trying to fix it or calm their own fears about the situation. I hope that helps ❤️
I have a close friend in whom I recognize many of these traits, I've told her about your videos in the past when she gets frustrated when people don't take her advice. This video explained it so succinctly, I was about to link it and send it to her when I thought.......wait a minute! Did she ask for this? Will I be pissed if she doesn't appreciate the trouble I went to to send it to her? Is this my side of the street?? You're the best teacher!
Haha, thank you for saying this ❤️ I appreciate you wanting to share! It could be okay if, the next time you're chatting, you mention you found a video about this situation that was really insightful, and asking her if she'd be interested. If she says no, you can respect that and let it be. Asking for permission allows the other person agency. ❤️
I had a close relationship with my mother until she died in 1981, but I never felt like she understood me. I felt she was always taking my brothers side when we were children. I had a strong personality, and I don't think she knew how to discipline me. I felt that she was unfair and I think some of that behavior was me looking for attention from her and protesting her partiality toward my brother. When I was about 7 or 8 she told me one day when she was upset with me that she loved me but sometimes she didn't like me. That was the mother wound for me. If she would have said I don't like how you are behaving I don't think it would have hurt so much. I went through my whole life feeling like she did not like me. It became a deep hurt and I did not realize it until a few months before she died. God allowed that memory to come to my attention and I still have to deal with that. I made a choice to forgive her but I will tell you I still feel that hurt when I remember that day. I often feel misunderstood by others. I don't know if that will ever go away. I am tearing up right now as I am telling this story.
Thanks Terri for this Q&A, loved it! I'm in Canada, so pre-ordering the book from the US was more expensive. You can be sure I'll order it once it's out here, cannot wait!
What about having a parent who is suffering cognitive decline. Is it appropriate to step in and decide what's appropriate for them or to ask them what is right for them?
Navigating health challenges with parents (or parental figures) can be so difficult and bring out a lot of HFC tendencies. In an ideal situation, the family would have discussed this before the cognitive decline, so the parent's wishes would be clear. I know not everyone gets that opportunity, though. Is there a chance they have a health directive of any kind that might shed some light on what they want? Do they have moments of clarity where you can ask them and see what they say or how they feel? Are you able to speak with their doctor/medical team to find out what they think is appropriate? If this is the only relationship/situation where any HFC traits come out, then acting as thoughtfully and respectfully as possible is great. When I'm talking about HFC, I'm really talking about it in the context of it being a pattern seen throughout many different relationships. It is THE default way you relate to most people. But when you are a caregiver, you do need to make those calls on behalf of a loved one, and it's a bit of a different situation because you *are* being given more responsibility. I hope that helps! ❤️❤️
Get rid of the people that are shaming you they ain't worth a dime are you smart enough and don't give a s*** about your looks and look at your spirituality you'll find God
after months and months of me trying to communicate with mom and getting nothing but radio silence back, mom sends me a long message this morning telling me im a terrible daughter who has done nothing to maintain our relationship, she only sent me a bday card this year for formalities sake, im no longer welcome in her home and she wants nothing more to do with me. ive been crying at work all morning because im so heartbroken. i just want my mom love me 💔
I totally agree that concerning narcissists we have to be strong when setting boundaries. We don´t have to be agressive, but we need to say what needs to be said. And sometimes it is inevitable that you are going to be a target of their anger attack because they don´t tolerate boundaries. Even when this happens, I believe I always benefit when I stand up for myself.
I just wanted to leave a comment to say thank you for everything you share through your podcast, books, Instagram. Your support has helped me get through a 6 year relationship and finally put my foot down to end it and begin my own healing. ❤️🩹 I could go on and on about all the ways you’ve helped me, but I don’t want to write a novel here. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Let me know in the comments: did you like this Q&A format? Do you want more of it? Then join my membership for weekly Q&A calls, community, access to my courses, and so much more! You can check it out and sign up at terricole.com/tcm ❤
Thank you for saying if you're being manipulated you need to be Strong. Strong doesn't need to be a hardness but it does take boldness. If you're being manipulated we may come off harsh and self serving. We may be called out for it. It certainly isn't heartless, we care deeply or we wouldn't be here.
I hope I can join soon. This sounds amazing. I would also love to join Dr Ramini. I think I can see those things coming. Thank you for finding a way to interact. 🍂🧡✨️
Do you mean adult children who have cut contact with you? If so, I'm sorry to hear you may be going through this. 💕 I'm not sure there is much you can do as that is their choice. The most important thing you can do is give them space and respect their decision, and hopefully they're aware that you will be there for them should they change their mind. As for no explanation- can you think back to anything your child may have tried to communicate to you in the past, that you perhaps weren't able to receive at the time? Did they ever try to talk to you about things that were upsetting them? If given the opportunity, it can be really meaningful for parents to witness their children's pain and hold space for them as it helps the child feel seen and heard. (Of course, parenting isn't easy. As parents, we will make mistakes and we also deserve to feel seen and heard, but it's best to have friends, loved ones, or professionals do that versus putting it on our kids, if that makes sense.) 💕
I struggle to find romantic partners my age (39) because I have spent a lot of years doing therapy, healing, trauma release, spiritual work and education. it’s challenging to relate to someone that may still be in their wounded state. I used to try to fix which caused numerous problems for myself. In other ways I don’t want to overwhelm or cause wrong intentions. So I’m kinda not sure how to get close to anyone new when I sense so many “flags” of challenges I feel I’ve moved past in my own life. I’m not sure where to find men that have done “shadow work” and can meet me where I’m at, if you will.
I see you 💕 I was in that space, too, before I met my husband, Vic. I actually set a boundary: no more unexamined minds. I wanted to find someone who had had at least 20 years of therapy. And I actually found that in Vic. I would say don't give up- put it out there to the universe that you are looking for this type of partner. Let yourself dream and journal about exactly who you're looking for. They may be looking for you, too!
@@terri_cole ‘no more unexamined minds’ I like that! Thank you for giving me permission to hold that boundary as I practice this new skill of dating more in alignment with myself! 💞
Of course!! ❤️❤️ I speak about the right to have dealbreakers and preferences more in this video, too: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-fn8Av478FHw.html
