7 Things You Should NEVER Say to an INFJ 

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"you always look angry" - "I'm not, it's just my face". Story of my life...

Worst thing to say to an INFJ: Omg you’re still thinking about that?! 🥺

“Don’t be so sensitive it’s not that deep.” Yeah to INFJ it’s all deep.

As someone who have got INFJ almost everytime I've taken mbti test, I've understood that we infjs care for our loved ones so much that we even are brave enough to stand for them but when we need such a support, no one stands for us. Life as INFJ is very lonely and we get misunderstood and judged for everything we do.

I feel like INFJs are both the most popular and least popular at the same time in school lol

I hate when I get ignored when I try to talk about something that is bothering me or just when someone acts uninterested in general when I share something about my personal life. I never talk to them about myself again.

“I don’t think I know who you really are” Neither do I.

It’s very hard for me to open my mouth so when I feel like people don’t care about what I say by not paying attention to the conversation, trying to stop me half way, not listening to me until I finish the sentence etc., I will just stop talking immediately and automatically shift my head to somewhere else. I’d rather talk to myself than talking to someone who doesn’t truly care about me.

i really hate being told i'm selfish when i'm always considering other people's opinions, likes and dislikes lol

The worst thing you could say to an INFJ: “You’re too sensitive.”

I’m an INFJ who grew up with a very critical and shaming father. He used to refer to my younger brother and I as Danny and Dora dumb shit. This has plagued me my entire life. I did very well in college and went on to obtain a Masters degree in Oceanography, but never believed I was worthy or smart enough. I am 60 years old and still hear my fathers voice in my head sometimes.

You INFJ's are so pure and precious. Literal gold in my opinion. Never stop being kind my loves. You all have my heart. Even tho we might seem a bit insensitive and heartless at times just know we INTJ's appreciate you ❤

Never tell an INFJ anything negative. Because if you do that they will remember that dreadful moment for the rest of their lives........help me

Let me just add: When people lie in front of INFJs and they think they're getting away with it. NO. We know you lied. We're just not pointing it out because you've just lost any and all respect and effort from us.

This is a great list for sure. I would also add: Don’t tell an INFJ that you are disappointed in them. We take all kinds of measures to prevent people from being disappointed in us. This statement would be truly hurtful to us.

Ive been in a relationship where gaslighting was used on me, and it used to work really well on my personality type until I happened across a gaslighting infographic online and realized I was a victim. I think INFJ’s are very susceptible to being told theyre wrong, theyre misremembering or missing details or their judgement isn’t solid or theyre too emotional. When I finally woke up to the gaslighting I was forced to re-learn how to trust myself, my judgement, my logic, and my thought processes.

"You should be ashamed of yourself" Infj: Dies of shame and thinking about it for the rest of their life.

I'm an infj and I don't like being blamed for something I did not do.

For the INFJs here, I have a question about when you were a child. Did you used to get bullied in school? Also, did you always stand up for your friends when someone tried to bully them, but find that no one stood up for you when you were the one getting bullied? (And you didn't stand up for yourself either, thus taking the bully's words to heart?) Just wondering if that's a common experience we INFJs share.

Practical INFJ male here. Maybe it's a result of growing up without much money, but I've always been quite practical and efficient in most things. That said, if anyone tells me I HAVE TO do something, I'm going to every length to prove I don't have to do that, no matter how practical and positive that thing might be. Anytime my supervisor tells me to do something a different way, it feels like micro-management, especially when I'm getting the desired results doing it my way. And there's no need to shame me - if I messed something up, I'm already beating myself up worse than anyone else can. Spot on, Frank.

“You’re so quiet” “Speak up” “Get involved” “Come on, socialise” “Consider coming out of your shell more” “Why are you so quiet” “You’re so fussy” “You’re so picky” “ Put yourself out there more” “You need to be more confident” “How are you going to have kids if you’re so anxious” “Don’t be awkward” “You’re a quiet achiever but we need to focus on your brand”

As an INFJ I literally panic and hate it when someone says, "Why don't you decide?" or "You make the decision." I don't want to do that. First of all I'm happier when you decide because I can adapt. Secondly I have no idea if what I decide will make you happy or make you uncomfortable lol.

I cried while I was watching the last part.... I'm Japanese and INFJ, and I was really stressed in Japanese society. I think this is because Japanese culture is 'Culture of shame'. We sometimes need to think about the feeling of others too much. And I always felt guilty about something, and always thought 'I'm not enough.' Thank you for letting me realise about this idea!!!

"You're just weird" is one thing that you shouldn't say to an INFJ. We know we process information and experiences a little differently so we already know we're "weird." Saying that to a young INFJ is pretty mean. Even adult INFJs don't like to be reminded about being different. There is simply no reason to say it unless you're trying to hurt their feelings. You shouldn't say it to anyone. Saying it to an INFJ can trigger a shame spiral because it reinforces the idea that we really don't belong anywhere. We spend our entire lives trying to exist in a world that doesn't understand us so we don't need you to share your heartless rude analysis of us. I was always the weird kid growing up and even in my 20s.

INFJs also can't stand seeing rudeness or oblivious people, that annoys me so much Oh yeah, thanks for all the likes :3

The worst feeling is when you don't think anyone understands you

I hate it when people tell me “it’s not that deep bro” constantly, especially when its important and I am trying to tell them something.

Lately, a collegue of mine told me "You don't understand me" and "You betrayed me", after I told her that I have been currently more a psychologist than a friend. I passed so many times listening to her talking about her childhood/life, giving advices, encouraging her, being honest as possible, and facilitating her socialization. I feel hurt and sad, especially misunderstood by her, who has done almost nothing for me. To be my friend, I really need a good psychological, emotional and intellectual connection. PS : Sorry for my english, I am not an english native speaker.

As an INFJ, one sentence that gives me heart palpitations at work is “let me give you some feedback”. Code for “let me tell you everything that is wrong with you”

I think one of the worst things to hear as an INFJ is "you're fake" because we are so concerned with making everyone feel good and be happy that when they say that not only are they attacking your whole cognitive process but it's also like throwing it in your face that you are failing at that, you are not making people happy, they don't like you

Never ask a question and then don't listen to the answer or just walk away. That kills me every time! As an INFJ, that forces me to lose respect for the person almost instantly.

My very recent ex literally said everyone of these things to me. Daily. Every single day. I quit my 9-5 job, isolated myself from all of my friends and family, quit my side-hustle business that paid my bills, depleted my $8k savings, I started sleeping all day, started antidepressants, started therapy, quit therapy, I lost hope in every single ability, self-esteem dropped to -30, my hair started falling out, I then started forgetting/not wanting to take care of myself. I kicked him out yesterday. I am broke af and 3 days late on my rent, a month behind on my car note, my phone is suspended, I have zero groceries, no gas money, not a single penny, not a single person I could call to talk to. I don’t start my new job for another 5 days. And with all of this going wrong, sitting on the coldest rock bottom, this is the most peace I’ve had in 2 years. Please be careful who you let into your heart and mind. I believe as INFJs we are quick to accept blame, believe criticisms, and we take it hard.

For me, it’s “Shut up.” People have no idea how much energy it takes for me (such as trying to gather confidence or planning what I’m about to say) when I choose to say something. When I give my input on a situation, it means that it’s important to me. When someone instantly tries to shut me down by saying that, without even trying to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying, it REALLY gets to me.

When an INFJ makes the effort to tell/show you something do NOT brush them off. When we make the effort to find you and interact with you, it means we value you . You brush us off we don't value you so much any more. (edit for typo)

As an INFJ who grew up in a household where shame was used a lot, I can say I absolutely still struggle with shame a lot. If I'm shamed for something, even unintentionally, I will never do that thing again. Even if the other person isn't aware that what they said resulted in that. I realize this is my issue to overcome (rather than place blame somewhere else), but it's probably my #1, lifelong challenge.

I'm an INFJ, and coincidentally, I have been through some serious trauma lately. I had severe scoliosis, and I spent many years trapped at home behind four walls because my condition was very unstable. For me, there was no hope, I became so pessimistic and self-destructive, and my INFJ personality hyped up everything. I can't describe the emotional torture I went through because of my own brain. I had surgery last year, and now, finally, things have started to settle down. I've always been told how sensitive I am. It was only last year that I found out about my MBTI, and now I realise how my personality type enhanced my sensitivity in that stressful situation. If I had known it before, maybe I would have dealt with things much better. I'm now attending therapy, and my therapist tells me how much of an ambitious personality I have. Finally, I feel at least some peace. Now I can start being healthier mentally too; I'm really trying to stabilise all these extremes of my personality. I'm so happy I found your channel; it made me laugh and helped me embrace and understand my personality.

One thing to never DO to an INFJ: Choose someone else. They will be done with you. They may still love you, but they will not want you back. They do not play second best after they have revealed themselves to you, and you chose to reveal yourself to someone else. They are done.

T types to INFJs: "You're too emotional." Other F types to INFJs: "You're cold."

Here is a big one: "You're overthinking". This drives me NUTS. I have heard this so many times. Pretty much always from guys I'm with. It's especially upsetting because it feels like a dismissive way to stop me from being myself, or stop the conversation because they are uncomfortable, but then they can blame it on me. Especially because I'm probably sharing or bringing them into something vulnerable (rare) in order to connect with them!! It's such a turn off and also feels like I'm being shamed. My friend and I were out last week and I was really getting overstimualted socially and triggered by something happening. I was hiding it but started to tell him I was feeling off and asking him for reassurance. He said "...I think you're overthinking it" like it was all so easy to just turn off my processes. I was going to do what I normally do (say "oh...ya, you're right, I probably am") and then fade into the background and act fine, feeling misunderstood and confused. But I tried something new and said "...I know I'm overthinking! That's the point! That's why I'm asking for help!".... then I felt bad about that and he didn't seem to know what to say and it solved nothing. It was terrible. 😂

As an INFJ it is extremely difficult for me to tell a lie. I do not like to hurt anyone, so I may soften the truth. But an outright lie is very hard for me and I always regret not being 100% truthful. P.S. As hard as it is being like we are I would never ever change who I am. Be you, be proud and be strong. Love to you all.

INFJ’s are amazing thinkers and have some of the best ideas but often have trouble finding the words to say it. People also like to to talk over them and assume an INFJ’s silence equals stupidity 🙂

"INFJs always just have this anxiety of, I'm missing something. There's something i'm not seeing. I don't have all the information." That's so very true :)

"tell me what you're all about" Good god, man. Neither of us will live long enough to hear that story.

I was always different, but only discovered a few years ago that I am an INFJ. I was so relieved. I actually like the person I am because I am very kind, helpful, and give great advice. I always say that I’m an outgoing Introvert because I can talk to anyone; however, it can drain me if the conversation goes on too long. I then need to recharge by being alone. Overall, INFJs are good people and make great friends.

Me, an INFJ: I'm spontaneous! How dare you! Also me: *has a Google Doc with a list of possible activities to do with friends, what to talk about, who to invite, and what movies to watch based on who's there*

When I announce a decision (move, divorce, whatever), and they say, “That’s so fast! Have you given this any thought?!” * yeah. For the last 3 years. I just didn’t run it by you or anyone else.

When anyone tells me “It’s a conversation that needs to be had.” I am likely to say “No”. This is because I’ve already thought it through and made my decision based on every possible scenario and frankly I refuse to engage in an argument with anyone whose goal is simply to win at any cost.

Being an infj is extremely tough having severe anxiety. Especially being told growing up that you're inadequate or a failure.

Someone: *calls my name in a not so happy tone* Me: Oh no. What did I do this time?

I don’t like it when people tell me what to do.

As an INFJ myself This video is really hurtful but at the same time brutally true.😓

I agree with this so much. I'm a manager and I love organising, improving things, discussing ideas with staff and making things better. I hate getting questioned on my final plan, especially when it's from people who haven't seen the bigger picture or who haven't bothered themselves. I've done each thing for a reason. I also hate how I make things detailed enough to log information we need and balanced it with time we have to keep it up daily. Then someone comes in trying to add too many small details that don't matter so much. I'm like we have so much to do in so little time I need it clear, functionable and simple to keep on top of daily for the staff. Rant over but this video spot on. Going through this right now. 😫

Infj: Let’s be more spontaneous and healthy! Other people: Hey let’s do this new unplanned thing. Infj: *N O*

Does anyone feel like they’re going through an existential crisis all the time?

I’m always clear with people, that if “they don’t know who I really am”, it’s because they haven’t invested in listening to what I’ve been saying about myself, over the experiences we’ve had together.

3. Kills me when someone blames me for something i never even dreamt of. Like doubting me for a theft, a lie or a conspiracy against them, of for having a lack of love, etc.

“Tell me about yourself.” “...” *Spontaneous combustion*

Here's one never to say to an INFJ: "Don't you ever think about other people's feelings?"

I, throughout childhood, more or less was forced to adapt into behaviors that’s norm in other personality types. But over the course of years I realized I’m an INFJ who had to behave differently for others sake, but now as an independent adult strives to be an INTJ (because emotions usually are in the way for my internal thoughts).

My mother says she’s an infj, and she’s MORE infj than me because she’s better person than me (?), and she always tells me to be practical and the other day, she saw me crying and told me to do something, that I always say I’m overwhelmed by all the things I have to do but I do nothing because I say that I need time for myself, and she also told me to be practical and that I mustn’t cry, and I’d have time for crying in the plane we have planned... I can’t stand how she invalidates my feelings, I have worked and still work a lot every day in order to be very respectful and do nothing that can hurt her and don’t be impulsive nor agressive. But still, she tells me I’m the bad person, because she’s the mother and I’m the teenager daughter. And when she sees me sad, she says its always because of the hormones, but in reality I’m sad because of how our relationship is worse and the things she says to me. I feel lonely. I’m always who gives advices and supports people, but I don’t feel like I have someone by my side. I have very good friends, but the only one that really gets me is myself. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t HSP (PAS in spanish) nor Infj, but those things have their pros as well. I don’t know why (well, actually, I do) I’m so pessimist and negative lately, i’m normally the happy, possitive, smiling girl...

I would say that another thing that wounds me deeply is: “You’re slacking off. You’re not trying hard enough.”, when actually I’m on my last legs and try to move mountains.

For me, the worst is being told "Stop overreacting" or "Stop being so sensitive" it really triggers my fight or flight lol

It’s the first time I’m hearing about INFJ personality and it gave me goosebumps. All these years I have always felt different and don’t really know why and hearing these traits rings a lot of bells. I live with someone who never plans and it’s stressing me a lot, I like knowing what’s ahead so I can make plans and play a scenario in my head. I’m highly intuitive and most of the time it’s right so I am more anxious when my intuition kicks in. I always see patterns in any situation, people, places and it’s driving me nuts when I confirm that my intuition is right and I didn’t follow it. I put a lot of effort in everything I do, my husband always tells me not to sweat and it upsets me because I believe that even small things deserve more time. In my mind, I’m already making the effort so I should make it worthwhile. It’s quite tiring, thank you for your advise about managing my thoughts and actions better.

I was an INFJ scapegoat for a verbally abusive narcissistic parent. Very tough times… 😔

Me: thinks I've done something spontaneous also me: *realizes that it was part of my 10 year plan*

I hate it whenever people ask me why I'm shy. I just don't like to make meaningless conversation..

I have to say that the time I worked with law enforcement and prosecutors allowed me to learn how to explain my reasoning. Often I would "know" and then have to walk it back and create the explanation and justification. Over many years I now can do without a lot of stress.😊

"I don't know who you really are." Welcome to the club. I learn something new about myself all the time, and I've already been around for a while.

Personally, I detest it when someone says “Oh, I don’t remember saying that.” What! Am I making it up? Nah. I listened to everything you told me because I care but you data dumped pertinent details of our conversation? Gah! 🙄

I love being able to scroll through the comments and be able to relate to everything everyone's saying

A lot of variation within the INFJ community. As none of those things bother me, being very self aware, empathic, analytical, and intuitive usually leads me through all those moments. And I often “play it by ear”, “wing it” and “go with the flow” because intuition leads me along while the analytical part keeps me grounded in facts and practical. We’re all different, even if we’re INFJs.

As an INFJ, I really need to stop saying things to myself like "I ought to be ashamed," or "I don't really know who I am." I'm always criticizing myself, and this video just made me realize why I have low self-esteem, and also taught me to be more kind to myself.

You should never say to an infj “you owe me something”. They live their life not just trying to be fair, but extremely generous to other people. When someone then has the nerve to say we owe them something, it literally sounds like an insult.

As an INFJ I hate when people say: 'let's have a chat...' me 'sure!' Inside: OOFT Somethingbadiscoming somethingbadiscoming heckheckheckheck they hate me I said something that offended them, I am going to get fired, someone is dying.

We are not fake! We are on The Quest of a lifetime to discover the TRUTH! 😕 It's a Quest d-mn it! This is heart wrenching.💔 People are fools.

“Our identity is something that doesn’t often concern us” - well pointed out. So when people say they don’t know us, in part they are referring to this. But sometimes it is rude in the sense it can come across as if we’re hiding something or fake or something.

*Why do you think that’s a good idea?* Infj brain: *loading... please wait...*

I REALLY don't like when people question my motives or character.

INFJ married to an INFJ here, amazed at what a spectrum this type can be. Thank you, Frank for all you share on your channel.

My daughter is an INTJ!!!! And has been telling me since she was 14 months old how to do something!!!! I fought her for decades. And now I am in my 60’s finally genuinely learning how to be less sensitive more open and realistic! We now get on! So what my weak points are ( need a Week to write that out), main one is awareness of what frequent criticism’s do to my energy! We expend much on those in our Focus. When not appreciated it zaps desire to go on doing that. Lack consistency ( over long haul). What never to say to INFJ Just talk none stop and tell you to re-frame the 10 words you said in 2 hours. Tell you, “ your’e full of self pity .! I have no time for that” Never tell us you are a friend when really you are an acquaintance who cant be bothered getting to know us-

"We need to talk." I hear that and instantly try to come up with the worst possible reason why that was said.

Im INFJ AND CAN'T STAND WHEN PEOPLE TALK IN CIRCLES GET TO THE POINT IM HERE TO LEARN SOMETHING ! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE😥

RE: number 5, Do this a different way. I LOVE learning new things, as long as they're grounded in truth. If you have a way to work smarter, not harder, I'm happy to hear it! BUT ... if your method is more difficult, etc. and does not produce adequate results, then I'm going to feel that I wasted my time. And then I'm (probably) out the door. RE: number 6, Don't sweat the small stuff. It's ALL small stuff. We INFJs see the "butterfly effect," how 1 detail will have effects down the road. How 1 missed stitch when knitting will lead to a hole in the fabric. We are not happy-go-lucky folks. We do out best to learn from our errors and oversights. Misspellings, incorrect grammar ... daily errors ... jump out at us. They disrupt the pattern, and we LOVE patterns! Very good video, Frank! Thanks! I'm finding the truth in it 3 years after you posted it.

Don’t ever EVER tell an INFJ that they “live in the real world” I mean, c’mon! What a horrible thing to say to someone!

I hate when someone says "you overthink things, or think too deeply about things, or get over it, or you're too deep or too serious, or you over react" I hate when someone tells me that my feelings or the way I think or feel is wrong and not normal...!

As an INFJ-T I absolutely hate when someone tells be I’m lazy or I’m being lazy. It has to do with not liking being told what to do but I don’t like when people assume I haven’t been working on things I’m just in my head figuring things out. Calm down.

I was smiling the whole video. So true ☺️ About the small stuff: I have a special list for details I need to remember and do something with 'later'. Helps me to stick to the plan..

"Why do you think that's a good idea?" I don't think it is, I feel like it is, and that's enough for me.

The most sad thing for me as an INFJ is that when I am talking about things I valued and sharing my findings with other people, especially with my friends, and they're like, "okay, good and have you guys heard about this story..." and start a whole new conversation about things that just don't really matter that much to me and I lost all my interest in participating in that conversation. For me, it is just the saddest moment as an INFJ and it happens many times in my life. And now I don't bother to share my real thoughts to people I don't really trust and earning my trust is really hard, if you do something wrong, I will just kick you out of my world in my mind.

my friend : wow u look so beautiful . what skincare did u use ? me : ahh thank you . i just- my friend : looks uninterested me : finish what im saying and never talk to them again

Jeez. IT’s makes sense. Yes. Yes. Yes. All of it. It kinda feels like we really don’t belong on this planet. Truly unique souls. Integrity seems to be extremely important. No matter what the circumstances. If I feel it’s compromised. I’m tripping.

‘Secretly planning behind your back.’ That’s how considerate we are.

Me, slowly understanding what it means to be INFJ: oh that kinda explains why I'm NEVER missing out on reading comment sections and I'm always majorly disappointed when comments are turned off..

As a 62 yr old infj, I can tell you that there is hope, because as I have gotten older, I couldn't care less if people say these things to me. I know who I am, I like who I am, and in a world that never shuts up, I experience and consider my introversion as a godsend.

I would like to add a sentence that you can sometimes hear from your loved ones, especially in childhood and early adolescence: "Be normal"..

“-Lets do something new. -HOW ABOUT NO?!” 😂 💯 Also; “Why are you staring at me?” “Why are you angry?” (When just thinking and not even close to be angry.) “Dont be so sensitive!”/“You are too sensitive!”

I get very offended when people question my motives. I take great pride in being a kind, thoughtful person and so that accusation is like a dagger to my heart.

This happened irl: -Tell me what you really think, just say it! I tell them. -How can you think like that? It's wrong! Me: shutting up forever.

“You’re normal, just like anyone else.” Meanwhile every time I try to express myself they give me that blank, confused stare and it’s clear that nothing I said got through to them.