A Controversial Look at the reality Behind the "INFJ Doorslam" 

The main reason I door slam is I get fed up with having to act dumb!

When the party no longer share your interest, have anything in common, uninspiring, and mock your convictions, is time to move on. Life is too short not to detach

I have done the door slam on a few people and I'm glad I did it. No one needs toxic, dysfunctional people in our lives.

I feel like the ‘disconnect’ comes from realizing I was attached to potential and not to reality. When I finally let go of trying to nurture something that someone else doesn’t mutually want, it is a very decisive ‘Ok’.

Pretty sure these door slams hurt us more than them. There is such a huge grieving process, needing to walk away from people we still deeply care for. But we truly do seem to recognize on some level when that relationship is not, and never will be, healthy. To get to a place of not attracting this in the first place is ideal, and can save everyone a lot of pain. Thanks so much. 🙂

“You've got to learn to leave the table When love's no longer being served".

We sometimes "slam the door to protect the other person from our wrath"!

We teach people how to treat us. After a while an INFJ has to develop self awareness and look at ourselves as a possible source of our own pain. We don't give to be worthy of love/esteem we give because we have esteem/love.

It's a strong realization of us as we reflect in our own mirrors. I believe it's mostly it's about us being angry with ourselves for allowing an abuse in the first place. Having been hurt, we become hard on ourselves and experience guilt for getting blind sided again. I've learned to always take responsibility, receive the lesson, and don't keep making the same mistake. Thanks again Lauren! ❤

Something happens & the other is ‘actually aware’ but they are so used to their nonsense, they think it will slide one more time, except they are not gonna make the drawdown this time.

I am an INTJ and I can say I have done this several times before, and I will do this today if need be. The person on the receiving end might feel completely blindsided by me cutting all ties with them but the thing is -- for me it never comes out of the blue but it is a result of a calculated process that begins once I spot a pattern. It sounds cold, but if I feel like a certain relationship becomes a hassle more than it benefits me then they're gone, without so much as an explanation because I had already done the work internally.

It's a pleasing problem. We sacrifice ourselves instead of standing up or pointing where something has been done that we're not happy with. It takes a lot of conscious growth to get assertive for ourselves in these ways. For others this is easy for us to stand up for them and point out how they are being taken advantage of or their boundaries pushed. Allowing things to bottle up and then we explode is a problem that we must take responsibility for. We must communicate better, though granted the other person often simply doesn't get it and we realize it's time to slam that door.

I've never heard anyone describe this pattern so articulately; this is the most understood I've ever felt. The "doorslam" has caused so much emotional turmoil for me over the years.. I'm glad to finally start to understand myself a little better.

Looking back I realized that those I door slammed were narcissistic…😳

OMG!!! I didn't know door slamming was something ANYONE else did!!! When you started saying "They see..." that was...everything!

There were a few times I eventually felt remorse because of someone I doorslammed. But upon closer consideration I soon realized the bastard got off lightly and I should have done it a lot sooner. It's easy to understand why INFJ's inquire about the doorslam, and the recipients don't. The recipients know all along that they are assholes, and therefore deserve it. In that respect, they have more insight than we do. But we can fix that very easily.

People on the receiving end don't ask about it, because they probably don't know to frame it in the vocabulary of MB personality types, they probably don't know what an INFJ Doorslam is, and they probably don't know their friend was INFJ. There is plenty online about "why did I get ghosted?", and many of these are INFJ door-slamees.

Celibacy for 11 years. Helped me by giving me time to work on myself. Now I master it.

The doorslam thing is quite harsh, but it has been like a last resort for me. I've felt bad for doing it most of the time, but eventually it got easier, as I figured it was a rational and safe thing to do. What I have discovered lately, is another thing - not a doorslam, more like gently closing the door, because you can't take the pain anymore. It's like when you know for sure that the relationship is never gonna be the same anymore, because the other person doesn't have interest, or something else may have ruined things.. you don't really have anything against the person in order to slam the door, but leaving the door open keeps you in more pain, still waiting for something that who knows, may never come back. So you decide that it's better to just gently close the door and stop waiting, even if you still want to communicate with the person who is left on the other side of the door.

I think it would be interesting to do a video on the differences and similarities between the INFJ doorslam and the INFP doorslam.

I always have one foot on the other side of the door and once you cross that line, bye. These people are very toxic that I’ve done this too. Once I’m ready, I drop the connection like it’s nothing. I’d say I spend a lot of time on a subconscious level preparing myself to go cold turkey.

I just did this 2 weeks ago. I knew that I was only gonna be able to entertain family for Saturday and I ended up entertaining them for both Sat-Sun at a party. Originally I told them that I was only gonna see them on Saturday and I ‘uh’ forgot my plan. 😂 Two full days with family was to much and at the end of the day Sunday I started looking to my husband to pour into my cup (this was unconscious of course). He was tired too and I didn’t realize that and got mad at him for not making me feel better(I was drained). Next day I realized it was my fault. 😅If only I coulda stuck with my original plan and entertained only one day, I woulda been fine. Set your boundaries and live your truth.

Yes! All of this.

Explains why I have difficulty working in an open office, why I have to start talking to myself when I am working alone and someone sits down near me, and why I can't sleep when others are in the same room as me.

In trademark INFJ fashion, my values and kaleidoscope-like vision are prominent, and in many cases non-negotiable. Typically, I have given individuals umpteen chances at redemption &/or reconcilliation. It takes *years* for me to arrive at the doorslam, but when I do, it's for good reason and generally an absolute last resort in honor of self-preservation. In essence, it is warranted and long overdue.

Your explanation of the "INFJ doorslam" was masterful

Never saw other infj acknowledging they are doorslamming just for a wrong word at some point. I do it quite often.

For people who got this video like a bucket of cold water there's one more tip - it indicates that you haven't worked enough on accepting the reality, the truth in your life... and on accepting responsibility also.

So well explained. I cut off my narcissistic mother which included my father because he is so entangled that he refuses to have contact with me if she doesn’t allow it. Best thing I ever did. I wish them well but my life has deeply transformed for the better in the 7 years of no contact.

The first two minutes explained it perfectly. I started seeing these videos about the INFJ door-slam, and it confused me. It sounds like an angry, hostile reaction, but I'm not that way! Then she explained what it is. As it turns out, I've committed many door-slams, but I see them more as simple walk-aways. It's a feeling not of being angry, so much, but more of a feeling of being hurt or unwanted/unappreciated. Walking away seemed to be something that benefits them, as well as me.

This is very good, thank you. After 20+ years in human service, dealing with narcissists in my family of origin, then starting my own family, being a stay at home homeschooling mom… my very smart and protective ENTP husband put his foot down and said I need to take a year or two and focus on me and what my next steps will be. I could feel myself crumbling, he could see it, but only one of us took action. Hopefully I can take this time and learn to manage my energy better, to feed me first, then my kids and husband and then the rest with nothing left for the malignant takers. INFx people out there, take your time while you still can, don’t wait for someone to give you permission or make you prioritize yourself.

I am an INFJ & this is spot on

I am a 78 year old INFJ. I was born into a nest of Narcissists and Energy Suckers. From childhood, I learned to serve others with my perfectionist ways only to get criticism and questions about how I did things that way. I have committed the Door Slam without fully understanding why I did that. Once realizing I am an INFJ, I question how I became one...or was I born an INFJ? No one can seem to answer that question for me. I have come to believe that there are certain lessons and experiences in this lifetime that I needed to learn for my soul growth. With the information from channels concerning INFJs, like yours here, I know I will be able to finish my remaining 25 years much less stressed.

Laughed at the moment about not teaching all these things in school :D Our society defenitely needs this!

Lauren, so nice to meet you. Why is it that detachment brings peace, relief, joy? Brutality may be on the other side of that door slam but, sheer tranquility at the sound of locking the door brings serenity of mind. 😥

I either feel toxic energy from someone, get annoyed with people after awhile, or get bored so I’ll door slam

Thank you for explaining door slam, this happened with my "best friend." It was such a surprise to me to see how she really felt about me, I saw her arrogance one day and it was directed at me with vehemence, she violated my boundaries and was pissed at me for having boundaries that did not make sense to her, she threatened to call for an intervention for my depression and stated "who do you think they are going to believe?", in that moment our frienship was over. I do not have depression simply because I have boundaries. I was very polite to her but knew in my heart that it was over, she was dead to me, I was traumatized, it took some time for me to sort out my feelings, I kept repeating "who do you think they're gonna believe" in the snide way she said it. Enough was enough. I have not spoken to her since, that was 2 years ago. She brought this drama to my door, caused a scene, embarrassed me, I don't do drama, I don't do bat s#!t crazy.

The way you explained energy fields and how that effects our boundaries... so true! I'll often get home from work and right away several kids and my wife will all be vying for my attention. Even if I try to prioritize listening to one person, I am intensely aware of the frustration from the others. I absolutely love that so many people value my attention, but when it gets overwhelming I'll get frustrated because it feels like no one can 'read the room', a.k.a. recognize that dad is getting overwhelmed. I've exploded in anger on more than one occasion over this. Quickly followed by guilt because I don't want anyone to ever feel like I don't value their connection. It's a vicious cycle.

Guilt is always short lived, we recognize its signal, we introspect on it, we narrow it down to a solution, we don't repeat it, then we ask for forgiveness and move on. Once we ask for forgiveness, it can never be use to manipulate us in the future. Shame is a totally different animal that's deeply rooted in our core personality, our identity as a person. But, I see my INFJ "door slam" as my unconscious stepping up and applying a boundary function. It's like a psychological temperature thermostat that once it hits the mark, the relationship gets too toxic (for either of us), my boundary function kicks in. I think while in a relationship that feels like on life support, that I go thru the deaths 5 stages of grief while trying to save the relationship (talking about the deeply valued inner circle relationship). If the toxicity doesn't get resolved while in the relationship, I am already near the 5 stages of grief, once I cut the last thread, I just reached the "acceptance" stage. My future oriented thinking now doesn't include that person anymore, but depending on if the ending is trauma or not, the reason it's called a door and not a wall, I can open the door if serendipity gets us crossing paths again and I noticed significant personal growth. The only time guilt kicks in is in my ultra rare INFJ rage, and I aim all my rounds at that person's weakest point in their core being (I let loose the mother of all truth bomb on them) and subconsciously, it's meant to push that person away permanently after first giving them multiple warning shots . (didn't Jesus fly into an INFJ rage once with the money changers, lost his cool and let his untamed ESTP shadow lose?) That guilty feels more like shame and I revisited that incident over the years....so I can better cage my ESTP demon for next time. If I catch myself explaining my worth and value into the friendship....you can bet that I am going to do a silent door slam on you very soon. What makes us old soul as a child is because we own that built in boundary function of the door slam, and makes us move forward without being crippled by a toxic person or toxic environment. I always thrive at going back into the Garden of Eden (harmony), so close harmonious relationship feels important, that's the codependency issues...so I learned to keep one foot in and one foot out, welcome to my paradox. ~INFJ-A

Door slamming has never been easy, most times it can also be painful and I would only do it when I have finally faced up to the realities and realised that it is necessary.

This is one of the best and most insightful commentaries about the doorslam and boundaries. I've read a lot about the doorslam, but this video is just perfect! Really appreciate it!

One of the best explained INFJ door slam👍

A lot of times it's about seeing if someone else is able to appreciate and reciprocate. After that has been disrespected numerous times, the fakeness is so obvious and it's easy to detach from those not specifically there for you.

Great video. I've definitely door slammed a number of folks, even entire communities. But it never feels good. It does open up new and better space for more fulfilling relationships -- if and only if the INFJ has learned better relationship management skills, such as boundary setting based on genuine self-love. Otherwise, the cycle repeats. The bit about "they see your energetic imprint" was brilliant. Thanks for going so deeply into this important topic!

Started noticing people were like this after my mom did it to me, then how she picked a boyfriend that would never so no and she could boss around. That told me *a lot*

The INFJ door slam is me to a T when I've had enough of toxic people I cut them off at the knees. Bham.! Done. C Bukowski didn't like people much and said, " ten yards is ok, one hundred is better, a mile is great.

Very well said. For me it is more of a retreat for recharging than a door slam.

Hello Lauren. I read your book “INFJ revolution” twice and it changed my life. I had tears of joy thinking that someone wrote a biography on me. It was healing. Thank you so much. And this door slam thingy is so true.. but I’m also developing and praying to have a strong heart so that I do not have to slam the door.

As an INFP, Thank you for bring up INFP’s also experience/do this.

Sorry, but I had to stop in the middle of the video to thank you for bringing up the energy field ❤️ WOW! I’m in awe. And it’s mostly because I’ve never thought about my own field of energy and how far it goes 🤯 I know that I’m a sponge. That I feel suffocated when even one person who’s especially a narcissist is in the same space as I am. I’ve been starving for ‘My Own space’ forever! The story is too long as to why, but I want to thank you for making me realize this ❤️ Back to the video.

I really enjoyed this video, Lauren. You have a way of articulating things that's so clarifying. As you know, I completely agree with you. We definitely have to take responsibility for our share in the sensitive-narcissist dynamic. We first over-step our own needs. I loved your image of a bucket where you, yourself, get the leftover water if you go around giving it to everyone and over-extending yourself. Great video!

OMG, WOW, you are dead on target with this, I have left some really good friends behind, never went back, wondered why I was like this, felt guilt all of these years, and you have just verified this reason for me!! I am very emotional right now, relived.

I enjoyed your insights about the INFJ, and our boundaries relative to our 12 foot energy field. I absolutely relate to how I’ve put my needs or desires on the back burner to attend to other people’s emotional states. It’s so true. I just never realized the amount of energy that I was giving. I love a good story and enjoy being both attentive and affectionate, but little did I know, toxic people are always there on the receiving end. I wouldn’t have seen that as a problem either. I have no problem with giving, but recently I really “got” how (and what) people continually leech, how much this takes out of me, and the many ways that I continued to put myself in situations that didn’t serve me, as a result. I’ll be giving and giving and giving, while they take and take and take. I don’t mind, especially when it’s something I’m passionate about that I can help with. Over-giving is what you called it. The interesting thing is that the more they take, the more entitled they feel to do it while giving little or nothing in return...but I’m learning to monitor my energy/boundaries. I door slam to free up my energy field when too much toxicity (re: relationships) is in there and it’s interfering with my ability to function. Thanks for sharing. Great video

Thank you so much, Lauren. This was wonderful and timely. I never realized the "door slam" was a thing. However, looking back, I can absolutely see the pattern. You are 100% right. Anything that helps give a little more insight into how I operate is rather helpful.

Overgiving without boundaries = Doorslam

Holy shit, 12 feet vs. 1 ft. for a normal person, that explains a lot.

Yes sisterrrrr. Personal accountability. Thank you for this video.

The energy bucket example is very helpful info thank u.

I’ve done this all my life 😳 Now, for the first time ever, I’m having trouble with letting go one specific person It’s unusual

Yes, I’m always scanning energy. That’s why I never ask, how are you? It seems obvious.

If thy hand offends thee... cut it off. Only when you have set your boundaries. This from an INFJ. Took me a long time to figure it out. Nice to be reminded it's 50/50. You can close the door quietly also. Thanks great video.

I used to really slam, but I've been doing a lot of work on awareness of my own motives for this. Now I'm seeing a couple of relationships I think need ended, and I want to close the door, not slam it. One of these people has entered my dreams as a figure representation. To me, this is a good sign they are toxic to me. Thanks for this video. I feel I'm being a little more mature and less reactive in my boundary setting. Good insights here!

All your videos are sooo on point! Amazing INFJ roadmap❤

3 years late to the party but WOW! THIS! I am an INFJ and recently ended a 30 year friendhip. I was so tapped out....nothing left to give....emotionally exhausted. The guilt I feel about this is overwhelming. I don't feel like I did the right thing. I wanted to at least give her a reason, but she has always been able to talk circles around me. It was easier to door slam being I had no energy left to stand up for myself. I wish her well, but I just can't. I so appreciate your perspective. You absolutely nailed it for me on my lack of boundaries. That is most likely the place for me to start my healing. Thank you! ❤

Your video came up as a recommendation for me today and I needed to hear this. I'm an INFP and yes I've been on both sides of the door slam. You nailed it! We get to the point we just can't be sucked energetically any longer and it comes over us a lot of times like an aha moment. Interesting for me is the only ones I've door slammed are INFJs. I think maybe because we get so enmeshed. Other types are easy to fade away. Again, thanks for offering another perspective that resonates.

As an INFP, I've done this. Perhaps I'm weird to say this, but it was as painful to me to do it as I assume it was to the recipient. Makes me second-guess the decision even years later. :(

Slamming the door is best & healthier, especially when dealing with pre-potent & manipulative people. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t stop trying. But slamming the door after enduring toxic situations helps us find an “Oasis” in the middle of a desert at high noon. So drink up, & if its a family member, keep forging the peace for the sake of harmony but let them know that the door is your Battlebuddy! Thanks Lauren!

Lauren, you are brilliant. Thank you! 😊

i am an INFJ and i feel door slam is wrong , maybe we should try to repair the relationship .. and talk to them ..

Well said🦋🤜🤛🏻 You say 12 feet. Every time I go into public with alot of ppl I can zero in on any conversation within all the chatter. Very exaghsting. My friends that I go with are amazed at this after I point out every conversation within the noise. It is very hard for me to be around more than 6 ppl. Great video. 👍

Bingo! Thank you. Lots to think about.

A pain for us but we also feel comfortable with it.

Hello Lauren, thank you so much for your insights on the infj stuff. It is awesome!!! The 12 to 24 foot infj personnel space. It is so amazing! So many times I would feel sick where I happen to be. Then suddenly leave. It helps to understand that I (we) are built this way. We are not broken. God just gifted us differently. You are wonderfully gifted for what you are doing with these videos! Thanks for your encouraging words that help me feel better about myself!!! God Bless You!!!

Thank you! Great explanation from the INFJ perspective. Dysfunctional energetic pattern... Yes!!

Good points!! Yep. I have come to accept my role in the “door slams” I have done in my life. I think from the outset of the relationship, I will place unrealistic expectations on my loved ones. Expectations can be an INFJs best tool or worst hurdle.

Well said. I needed to hear that. ThankYou

What do non-FPs do as far as boundaries, setting limits and cutting people off? Are they just less giving and more self serving with their energy?

I agree w/what you said im going through that right now,w/a toxic narcissist,for me something just eventually triggered and i quit staying in touch, but like a true narcissist it's not gonna b that easy,but he's already triggered me and there's no turning back,he'll b finding out there's a new dynamic now and YOU adapt,not me. Nobody needs these kind of blood suckers in there lives,there very draining people, its pathetic to think some people are just wired to glom onto people that apparently fills some kind of emotional or psychological need for them,very shallow people,although i did not identify this as energy

This is the most comprehensive video about the INFJ doorslam that I have ever watched. I have also read The INFJ Revolution and I think it is a wonderful Book. I am an INFP who has been doorslamed by an INFJ. Now I can understand why. The saddest thing is that there is no turning back. Once you have been doorslamed it's for good. But now I find it easier to live with and I thank you for that. ❤

I love you, Lauren.

@LaurenSapalaINFJ Thank you so much for doing this video! It has really helped me tie a bunch of events and observations together. Since becoming aware of being an INFJ, I knew that my energy was different, and as you so aptly pointed out, I have not been taking responsibility for it... Thank you for the info and connection! Makes sense! I completely agreed with your perspective on the door slam thing, although I can't really call it a door slam at all, more like a walking away kind of thing... However, do wonder where did the whole door slam thing come from? What was it's origin? Any idea?

This is so true if you're an INFJ who is self aware & holds yourself to accountability I've never heard it put this way. Truly enlightening. I was completely unaware I was violating my own boundaries. Thank you so much for this! Also, I believe that our energy boundary is a big factor in this. Because our we constantly almost assaulted by other people's energies in a way we see it as ok to violate our own boundaries

So easy to understand…I can see myself in your words…Thankyou

Hi, Lauren!🙂 Thanks for the insightful video. I think what you are referring to as "Marketing" is actually "Sales" issues. ❤🙏

I always looked for the problem in me. I was convinced it was my fault but when i started studying human dynamics and later mbti I understood it’s not anyones fault Now I try to take care of myself and interact with people with calmness and sympathy but I keep them om arms length Maybe in the future I can start finding new freinds again.

Omg. I just wish I’d known. I would have made different choices. I’ve lost everything over and over again. Editing to add that I fully take responsibility for these failed relationships. I am trying to figure out what my pattern is and why and make sure it’s broken for good, if I can ever even gather the courage to try again. Dubious possibility.

When I slam the door, its generally because I either no longer need them or I realize the relationship is going nowhere, and I just want to move on. Of course, there are the toxic people as well. But generally, it's me being selfish because I have little regard for people. They are just such a letdown.

I have done this with 2 people in recent years. No regrets whatsoever.

Wow you're an angel. Mind blown

I recognized that I was giving a friend way more of my energy than I should since she wasn’t showing up for me even though I was struggling and really needed her to. I communicated my needs and set expectations for how I was going to change my own behavior. She continued to not show up for me until everything she was prioritizing over me was all resolved and now she is trying more but it still feels like she is more concerned about making excuses for before than any concern for everything I have been really struggling with while she was focusing on herself. I’m not sure about if I need to let go of this 8 year friendship or do the work to take down the wall I have built up?

I just found out my personality type and everything is actually the truth. I am in the door slam phase and I now I know it is because of lack of boundaries you said in this video. Thank you so much. You helped me a lot❤️

Door slam is a temporary relief from a tense situation but it could also mean an escape from problems. We can't door slam people just to rescue ourselves. We need to overcome our life's obstacles to get to the mountain. Set boundary to have a healthy balanced life.

I think I did the door slam without realizing ... (I'm an INFJ)

Not understanding anything about my personality, this happened and had happened to my husband. His statement was that women just get over relationships more quickly while are left there grieving. I said that I thought I grieved the relationships while in them and that the partner didn’t want to spend any time thinking about the issues and hoped that it would all blow over yet again.

the time boundary hit hard for me, this was such a good video. im trying to not over give and over exert myself emotionally but its a hard thing to change! i am getting better with it though, slowly chipping away

This was so helpful. Thank you, Lauren.

Excellent!

I have the patience of a Saint, however, when I slam the door, I don't ever want to hear from you again !!!! I tell em with absolute clarity, don't call, don't text, don't email, don't write me, don't even think about me !!!! Gets em Everytime !!!!!

Also your thoughts made me thinking about alining doorslamming with our creative energy - as a theory. What if we also overgive our energy to our projects and then doorslam our books after they drained all of our time and energy? We get to the project, we give all we can, time flies by and then boom - we're exhausted and hate it. Maybe we should also balance out our creative energy according to other aspects of our lives? Cut a bit of creating and pour more to family or something else? It's an interesting direction to think about...

Narcissists drain the life essence. Solution is indifference shutting down the antenna📡. Cutting off the connection. That rejection is felt. They are the condemned committing Sins instead of Virtues that shape your soul. Not gratitude but criticism is returned so the reprocity builds and that is the reason for the " locking that door sometimes it vanishes. As you develop internally when your Chakras shine brighter your aural field will expand.