Lauren Sapala is an author, teacher, speaker, coach, and an INFJ. She is the author of The INFJ Writer (a writing guide for writers of the INFJ and INFP personality type), The INFJ Revolution, and Firefly Magic: Heart Powered Marketing for Highly Sensitive Writers, as well as two autobiographical novels.
Lauren began working with struggling writers in 2009 when she founded the WriteCity writing group in Seattle, and then expanded the program to San Francisco in 2010. She became a full-time blogger and writing coach in 2013, and began teaching intuitive writing in 2017 to writers of the INFJ and INFP personality type. She currently teaches the Intuitive Writing method through online classes, workshops, and video courses. She blogs regularly and offers a variety of video courses at laurensapala.com.
I've watched a lot of your videos, and they resonate with me. Their spot on and are accurate with my nature/issues. It feels so daunting and overwhelming. Are we this complicated and problem prone. It feels like layers and layers of issues.
It's even beyond human relationships. It's also about Nature and the Universe. There is a spiritual component depending on what that means to each person. I think we'd have to go to a different country to find those groups.
It’s a powerful realization when one discovers that trying to fit their square self into a round hole is futile. Appreciation for such insights is always valuable.
Your videos resonate with me a lot. I'm in my 40s and as the time has gone on my life has become less conventional. It wasn't intentional and I have some grief about it, but I wasnt able to tolerate a lot of what regular people tolerate such as certain jobs and behaviours in relationships. People tolerate so much just to fit in.
This is v interesting about the guilt. I recently met an energy vampire, I didnt realise initially as it took a while for red flags to appear. After several hours with them I was drained and depeessed for a whole week, I could barely get out of bed. I've been trying to figure it out and energy vampirism makes a lot of sense. They had already started requesting big things from me and using guilt saying they hated being let down by people 😮 I'm going to have to phase them out. I'd love some more friends but not people who bring me down and drain me like that!
OH THE SCRIPT! I saw the dynamics in my family, but was scolded for pointing anything out. One person was almost a tyrant and I couldn't tolerate it. But everyone else seemed to, and I was punished for not following their script. Only at 15 my mom for the very first time admitted I had been right about this tyrant all along. It felt like such a rejection... I had been scolded for being right. The world was SO CONFUSING! Plus, I realized "nothing" was real. Like christmas. It was made up. Monday was made up. We made up all kinds of stuff, but everyone seemed to believe it to be the only truth, and I felt yet again on the outside of both my family and society.... At 46 I'm diagnosed adhd and gifted iq, which is quite the rabbit hole.. I don't blame anyone anymore, I stopped that 20 years ago as I saw everyone has their own reality. But then I've tended to fit into other's reality somehow, instead of being true to myself.. whatever tht may mean. 😅😅
INFJ, then got diagnosed ADHD at 46 - plus gifted IQ... The irony is I've always felt stupid .. and only recently realized I always wear masks... My next 46 is going to be a journey of self acceptance and hopefully self love eventually.... ❤
This is all so true. I love to achieve potential and optimise but can't bear competitive envy. Many can't accept that you're not comparing yourself with others but just want harmony.
Im an enfp and all of this is also true for me...well 90% and Ive felt znd been (in practice) very alone in all this (aside from this video/online articles,books, youtube etc)
As an INFJ male i think the issues are 1. Western society values macho which is something an INFJ male couldn't buy into, even if we wanted to. 2. Damage in childhood from feeling faulty in the macho culture. If the infj is lucky enough to avoid that they may be the infjs jere reporting popularity in parties.
The discussion of being a healer doesn't apply to my sould connection with an INFJ. I'm an INFP. I like her spirit. I like her quietness. I like her speech and revealed thoughts when we talk. I can sense all 4 of her cognitive functions, and I think she's an enneagram 5 Castle. It has bothered me for months how much I like her and therefore want to talk to her and go walking with her and play sports and go to the fair, and other fun things because... She's super busy all the time, and somewhat passive about making time for a friendship. Yet, she has strengths I don't possess.
What if this happens between friends of the same gender? I'm telling you, it's intense. And I am constantly protecting myself from her because she has the ability to hurt me with rejection (of friendship). Imagine having to protect yourself from a person you think about often. I've even found myself telling myself she's no longer special and I don't have to care so deeply for her...because I'll just be disappointed by her lack of availability for quality time. Then, she merely turns her head and smiles at me to acknowledge I'm in the same church building and I know I will keep liking her. She offers the tiniest gestures to me to show we're still friends even if I don't get to see her for several days at a time. She's not pretty, but it doesn't matter. It bothers me how much I like her because she's busy with her family and can't always offer quality time for our friendship.
I feel like Recently discovered quantum teleportation might explain why it is that we feel this with people we’re extremely connected with. Check out a you tube video on it. It’s fascinating!
I'm 72 and am just really beginning to accept that it seems 98% of the human race don't care about self-actualization and growth of consciousness in love. My whole life has been about personal transformation. I had parents who had narcissistic traits and my initial yearning for people to face their pain and learn and grow was born out of a child's need to finally be seen and loved. I can see now that the desire to "save" people was really a way of trying to take care of myself. These last years of my life have been amazing as I learn to allow people to be who they are. A big lesson for me on what love really is. Thanks for your insights!
Great topic! You described my life pretty well! I was a "blender" for most of my young life. I did live unconventionally in my late teens up until my late 30s when I met my ex husband. With him I lived a pretty "normal" life, other than the fact that he was much younger (17 years). Now, I'm divorced, no kids, and hoping one day to have at least a someone I can share life with, though not in the married or even live together way.
Lauren I'm so glad I found your channel. Your content is spot-on in helping me better understand myself as an INFJ. Thank you for all the good work you're doing!
You spoke straight to my heart and provided so much clarity to why I never commit to exploring my passions. I could never put my finger on it until this video. Thank you so so much! 🙏
I guess I have known about this phenomenon for a while, but this video just made me realize why I always feel like other people are so passive. I rarely feel like others say or do anything that's interesting and I have a hard time understanding what they're going on about. It's because they're actually boring! Everybody are just like everybody else and they seem fine with it.
I get basically knocked into all the time. Also at coffee shops I do this thing where I stand firm and stick my debit card in the air and make undeniable eye contact with the POS barista. Of course the first thing I hear is the person behind me going: "Are you in line?"
How do I tell someone that they are not allowed to emotionally manipulate me? I usually just don't allow myself to be emotionally manipulated and I end up feeling annoyed, but people seem really shocked when they realize that they weren't actually able to make me feel bad about myself.
Also father was abusive in the sense he would yell very badly when i was a child. And id get hit sometimes but nothing like some others iv heard. Was very sheltered and overprotected. Mother has mental illness and broken english so she didnt offer much emotional support though she did do all other motherly things. Funny thing is even though my father was very strict he was also the only parent i spent most of my time with. I guess i have a lot of unprocessed feelings on my parents.
Infp female here with diagnosed bpd and a few other lovely diagnosis. Relationship for me is hard. I only had one partner still with partner. He is an istp personality type but sometimes hs inability to hear my feelings or respect my feelings can be rather an issue....especially when i get triggered. Communication is better sometimes but sometimes i can get very childish and coldshoulder him for not wanting to listen. Sometimes i wonder if I'm just too sensitive and not realistic sometimes as my bpd can distort whats what. I am questioning myself often if i am even capable of having a relationship with all my excess baggage though he has a lot too...ahhhh the complications of relationships. I may be over thinking the matter. Good content anyway. 😊
