A Covert Narcissist's #1 Tactic, Hands Down 

Acting the innocent person, the victim, the martyr, the aggrieved, the hard-put-upon, the eternal sufferer, the righteous crusader forced by circumstance to take up arms against evil, the angel.

1.Never trust anyone that tries to convince you of who they are! 2. Don't explain your own sense of character, because they'll try to mirror you. 3. Cherish your privacy. They'll want to hear every dirty detail about your life. They cannot relate, and DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE. Everything you say will be held against you. 4. Don't gossip! Period! 5. Don't let anyone manipulate your time with family and friends. 6. Don't give second chances after the first sign of disrespect. 7. Don't ever accept passive aggressive comments as being a joke. They purposely try to provoke negative reactions and emotions. 8. Don't break prior arrangements, obligations or plans with friends and family to spend time with a new, love interest . They will try to isolate you from any support system. 9. Keep your friends, family and job separate from a new love interest until after they have, undeniably proven themselves to be loyal and trustworthy. They CAN and WILL turn people you love against you. 10. Be aware of how they talk about their own family and friends. Are they painting them in a negative light? Remember, their friends and family will be their flying monkeys. 11. Don't be flattered by jealousy, that's a control tactic. 12. Talking about exes should be a deal breaker. That's inappropriate, when starting a new relationship. The past should stay in the past and no one needs "validation"from a personal relationship that didn't work out, it creates insecurities and triangulation. Emotionally mature people heal and move on. 13. If you haven't healed from a prior relationship, don't date until you have rebuilt a solid sense of self and independence. Rebounds aren't fair for anyone involved and it just leads to codependency. I've been a narc magnet my whole life and I've finally had enough of being a people pleaser. The healing process and finding yourself again is more rewarding than trying to mold yourself into being someone's ideal of who and how you should be for them.

it always boils down to "you owe me servitude". They always revert to a bully.

They butter you up, until they think you are hooked. Then they get busy showing you that you are a second class citizen and only exist to serve them.

Covert narcissist publicly and privately are not the same.

They never ask you, “how are you?”…ever!

Narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing

It can take DECADES to learn they even EXIST.

These deceptive people gain your trust by appearing like you. If you are open, honest & transparent...they purposefully appear the same way. I've learned the hard way: Time will tell. Trust is earned.

The superior level of trickery is what makes it so scary. No matter how many narcissists I have known, it’s still so difficult to spot when they are working behind their mask.

They do favors, give gifts, celebrate you at first, but then.... You have to do everything they want, you must admire them... and they need to be adored by you, you have to become their YES person. Their servant!!

It sounds like the narcissist thinks of a relationship as a long con.

Duped for 27 years. He did unbelievable damage to me and our children. Gratefully, through intense therapy and education, I have clarity. Unfortunately, our children don't believe that their father is a monster in disguise, even though they all suffer from anxiety, prior substance abuse, and periodic depression. I don't blame them though, since I was duped for decades. I can only love and support them going forward. It's so hard.

They'll disguise themselves as angels of light

The person who stresses they have your back whilst actually stabbing you in the back

The object of their kindness is to destroy you.

Their love or friendship is definitely transactional. Don't accept a gift from one you're going to owe the rest of your life

They are demons with the devils spirit inside of them .

My narcissist ex used to put on a show of honesty and empathy. I actually bought into that version of him, but part of me didn't trust him and I couldn't explain it. When the relationship fell apart, I still had the version he sold to me of his honesty and empathy but it didn't align with his behavior. I remember asking myself who the hell had he been - over and over and over. It took me years before I could unravel who my covert narcissist ex had been. One thing that really helped me was to write a list of all the horrible things he had done to me. Then, every time a good memory popped up, I would repress the memory and bring up the memories of the bad things he had done. I did this over and over and over until my head and my heart were on the same page. He was a guy who did some nice things to ingratiate himself with me and he was a guy who did some pretty crappy, hurtful things -- things I didn't deserve. I also went to places we had gone to together with someone else - a friend, a family member - and created new memories in those places so I wouldn't associate him with those places. And I redecorated my house, so visually, it doesn't look the same anymore. I hardly ever think of him anymore and if his name pops up, my brain has no interest in mulling him over and just lets go of the thought.

They just use people, plain & simple. They find you as willing to help and exploit that at every opportunity. You think you're helping, but they're just taking advantage.

I practice honesty. I speak my truth to them. evildoers get angry. good people return respect.

Agree. They want you to doubt yourself. One of they way Covert narcissit use to prey on their victims is to inflict self doubt Aka GASLIGHTING. They want to take take, stay ALERT and always guard your boundaries and personal belongings with these narcissists

My mother was a covert narcissist. In her mind, I already "owed' her by age 10 for the years of effort she put into raising me. Actually, not all that much effort, but in her mind I'm sure it was. Even as an adult, she would say in all seriousness, "You told me that when you got your driver's license, you would drive me anywhere I wanted to go." I told her that when I was five. She had an entire list of promises she had extracted from me as a child. She grew more nasty, manipulative, controlling and slanderous with every year she aged. She lived to be 94. I cut ties with her before that and did not discover she had died until over a year after the fact. All I felt, and still feel, is relief that she is gone.

I think the covert type is almost the most damaging/dangerous. Because normal idiots teach you to avoid cruel people. But the covert types teach you that you can't trust peoples 'kindness' either. That especially people who brand themselves as kind, rarely actually are. This causes a general mistrust, that spills over to relationships with other people, especially new people. Because who can you actually trust, and who is genuinely trustworthy and kind?

Acting like they're trying to make you a better person when it's not about you it's about them.

Yep I go though this EVERY single day with my spouse for 33yr awful years, he's not going to change, he 73 and getting worse..so I just Gray Rock and Soul distancing him. The love is gone and now in my mind he's just a roommate. This relationship is gone.....after his cheating years ago which tore my heart right out of my chest! He doesn't see how much it ruined the relationship of us...and he still doesn't care.....well he never will....now I get it. I love gardening, camping, hiking, boating, working out, playing Pickleball, painting... and evey time I ask him to join me..he always says "go find a friend" I never thought that being married to someone for 33 yrs would make me feel so alone and worthless. So I'm off finding new friends to go do things with at 70 yrs now.

I really believe that narcissistic behavior is learned from the parent , I finally figured out my wife learned to be a narcissist from her mother and her mother was taught to be a narcissist from her mother’s, it’s a generational trauma.

The more someone tells you about being your trustworthy friend, the more you should ask yourself, why is the person trying so hard to persuade you about it. Words don´t matter much, actions do.

“I’m here for you” becomes the most demeaning part of the relationship. They will make sure you know how not there for you they are, but will keep using those words.

“All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.” ― Tennessee Williams

One other aspect of this Disorder from Dante's 9th Circle is that the narcissist can, indeed, identify other narcissists. The weird thing is... they DEFEND other narcissist's horrid, abusive , even DEADLY behaviors!!

I’ve been with two narcs and, looking back, changes occur between six and nine months. They’re not as charming, almost rude, yet nothing needs to be discussed and they keep engaging with you. It’s very obvious. Run don’t walk the other direction.

My ex narc boyfriend said to me, “ you always seem to be holding back” when he sensed I wasn’t be totally vulnerable with him and I replied, “you seem to hold your cards very close to your chest.” He didn’t like that one bit. Of course I started holding back because of his strange and questionable behavior. My sense of safety and trust was diminishing quickly.

You are always on point. I've been dealing with a narcissist for 40 yrs. They don't change. It get worse the older they get I'm so mentally drained and damaged.

My covert narcissist stole 20 years of my life. He reeled me in by looking sad. I thought I could help him. He got worse and worse. I almost died.

30+ years into the marriage, I can hardly believe how much I implicitly trusted my narcissist. So convincing! All things come to an end, however, and the rose colored glasses are long gone.

They can fool you for long, long time. My first serious boyfriend pretended to be a wonderful guy for three years. As soon as we had a house and business together, he dropped his mask. It was all downhill from there. I also had a relative calling me for 15 years, acting sweet and charming. One day she started being superior and mean, and after much wrangling, I figured out she'd been faking being sweet. I wasted years and tons of energy on these two fakes. It's important to pull out much sooner!

I'm both sad and glad to know that I'm not the only one who got duped for years. I'm thankful that God plucked me out of that darkness!

It's tough realizing people don't give a shit. Really makes you feel worthless. I went through a period when I stopped caring because it just hurt too much to care. I thought I was being tough by turning the tables, hurting people along the way. The pain of remorse I now feel far outweighs the pain of betrayal by others. When somebody hurts you the pain you feel will subside with time. When you hurt others that pain will forever haunt you.

To paraphrase Maya Angelou, If someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

"Dishonest in a trustworthy seeming way." That quote and explanation is such a big deal because on occasion interactions with a narcissist are super positive - in a negative framework. The kind of situation where you have your misgivings, but counter those by saying "Yeah, but they did this and that, which was so kind and credible, so the crummy stuff was just something that can be explained away." Being undermined, while being offered goodies. Sinister.

If they are talking bad about their other friends when they're with you, be sure they are badmouthing you when you're not around. When they talk badly about their other friends behind their backs, take that as a notice.

Politicians should be tested for narcissism and removed from office if they test positive.

If they do things for you, they will use the things they willingly do for you to prove that they are a good person. They also punish you if you fail to read their minds. When my brain was completely broken, he yell at me with rage because he had to repeat himself to over and over again. They are really really cruel.

The covert narc is my mom, and I didn't see it until my 50s that I was conditioned from birth to believe that her happiness was my responsibility. Of course I consistently failed despite living so much of my life with that single purpose in mind. And she's always the victim.

When a covert narcissist says "I love you", it really means "I need you to love me". They are completely self-obsessed and will throw anyone under the bus who has the nerve to call them on their bad behaviour. They're like a black hole of neediness and desire for external validation and admiration, and if you don't give it to them you're in for a rough ride. Ten years after my husband's covert narc/BPD ex-wife left him, she's still trying to worm her way back into his life despite knowing he remarried. It's a war that never ends.

So spot on. I never saw it in the Relationship. I only discovered it during the Breakup. It was like talking to a totally different person. Lying & Denying something he knew he said, twisting words, gaslighting & manipulating. It was shocking to say the least.

The narcissist may also mirror your best qualities back to you as they study you, so you think you are getting to know someone you have a lot of good things in common with. Some do this extremely well. Keeping the mask on takes a lot of energy though, so sooner or later it will slip. Thank you Dr. Carter for this priceless education on their control tactics.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent sets the stage for our future choices, as adults. We are accustomed to and ingrained with their toxic ways, and see it as a "norm". Their characteristics that we saw as strength and confidence we're only twisted control tactics, and not healthy examples of what to look for in a life partner.

So true. I read a article from another therapist who explained how these types of narcissists usually show themselves so slowly that many partners don’t see the real self until something major happens in the relationship like infidelity.

Raised by narcissists, abused by narcissists as an adult, diagnosed with C-PTSD here. I used to think I was a narcissist with my children but after years of learning and working on myself, I have begun to see that Thank God there is a difference between me and those who are truly narcissists. Bottom line, what hurts most is realizing that my heart, my trust, my honesty, efforts, meant nothing to the narcissist. That doesn't mean it was my fault or that I am unworthy or was a fool. Have to remind myself everyday of this and it hurts the same every day, but I will take it over being the one to inflict that pain on another. Thank you for this video. I will take every bit of knowledge, insight, and kindness I can get on this topic because I truly want to break the cycle and little by little, I have. Thank you.

"Don't worry, I'm easy to get along with." Run for the hills!

I can distinctly remember the exact time during that unending argument with my husband that I told him his obnoxious teasing needed to end. That when we were young it may have been fun and charming but after several decades of it, the teasing was now ridiculing and sickening. My husband, in my opinion of course, is a covert narcissist. I did not realize the extent of the mental abuse for decades. We are still married because at this stage of our lives it is financially impossible to go our separate ways. I put up with the crazy as best as I can and people such as Dr. C have helped me in many ways. Thank you.

This describes exactly what I went through. Perfectly. You even used the exact same words to describe their facade that were things I complimented him on. Sweet. Wonderful. I even had a pet name for him, I called him Sweetling. After a few months, I was proven very wrong. The condescending, Dismissive, neglectful and uncaring side really showed through. I want to add manipulative, but that is what it actually was from the very beginning. I've never encountered anything like it. I thought he was SO DIFFERENT from everyone I had ever met, as in, not the usual flagrant asshole. Turns out I was right, but not in the way I initially thought. He was SO MUCH worse. This kind of manipulation and abuse is so insidious, it leaves you questioning yourself, your motives, your intuition and intentions, and the intentions of everyone you know and everyone you meet in the future. You lose your trust in everything.

*always pay attention to ANY erratic outburst* (in person, text, etc) and don't believe it when they make light of it, dismiss, or make excuses. trust your gut - your first impression. and absolutely, if someone talks themselves up or tell you 'how they are', there is a good chance they are a Narc.

The bottom line. Anything a narcissist does in kind towards someone else comes with a price. That includes their spouse, children, "friends", co-workers, pets and the list goes on if they can extract an emotion from something that breathes with a heart beat. Narcissists have no idea who they are and they are constantly trying to individuate by using others to find themselves. Their method is flawed in their quest for individuation. The actual answer is this-- it all comes from within but they are too fragile to overcome their internal shame to see the truth. It's just overall sad for them and everyone they take down with them. 😢

There are already an abundance of comments on this topic already. What really stands out in my mind, apart from the gaslighting, is the 'self gaslighting'... It's sad when they believe their own lies before they add to YOUR confusion! Again, I wait eagerly for the video!

One of the best days of my life was the day my mother died. It allowed me the freedom to really examine who she was, how she affected me and who I had been raised to be. I've now had 20 years to unpack that info and can say ,wow! And with awareness has come healing and insight and increasing peace within myself. I'm a cheerleader for folks to emotionally and physically distance themselves from "their" narcissist. The N will not willingly allow one to change the relationship dynamic and will always create drama to keep you hooked. Leave!

He said this in a counseling session: “Even the nice things I do are for selfish reason.”

I have a sister who never stops saying how she supported me through my cancer treatment. Actually all she did was visit me when I was too exhausted to cope with visitors and put daily updates about my treatment on social media (which I also didn't want). Dr C is right when he says it's time for them to cash in their chips as that's exactly how they make you feel. ... YOU OWE ME!

All true. Thanks for the insight. There is no negotiating or resolving equitably with a narcissist. JFK said, “We cannot negotiate with people who say, "what's mine is mine and what's yours is negotiable.” A narcissist says, “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine."

Even worse is when they keep it all to themselves (so as not to expose themselves) and years or decades later it all adds up. As many of us then say, we just couldn’t put our finger on it.

It is almost like one is better off not sharing anything or going around them at all. The less these people know about you, the safer and better off you are. Some of them are so slick, it takes awhile to see through them. Most you can figure out earlier on. When they start going from "You're the greatest ever!" to blaming and accusing for no reason, it tells me real quick to stay away from them. They are not supportive, but pretend like they are. They wreck havoc and cause anxiety. Life is too short to be dominated and co fused by an idiot. The worst ones I have dealt with are women.

They definitely make you feel bad about yourself and not as good AS they are. They are users without a doubt. This video is very helpful in recognizing their tactics.

This describes my mothers behaviour to a tee! Last week it was passive aggressive/attempts to instill guilt/shame/competativeness and victim playing ( I remained grey rock throughout), whilst this week it was a mix but mostly 'being nice' as if last week's behaviour didn't happen! I'm thankful for channels such as this.

Never confide any life stories. They will use it against you.

25 years before I found out - I didn’t know what was wrong and then read about covert narcissism - it was like reading my life story

Suspense . . . I am so glad that learning about the serious topic of narcissism can also be fun. There is discussion, camaraderie, and Gus.

Everything they pretend to be at the beginning, with the masks of mirroring and love bombing, in a little time together, you'll discover that it's exactly the opposite: generosity is selfishness, "intelligence" is childishness disguised with ready-made phrases... and affection is pure evil and the desire to destroy you psychologically, emotionally and sometimes physically.

It is absolutely blowing my mind how spot-on these descriptions are. I’ve seen other videos that, while yes, they seemed to indicate tendencies in a certain person in my life to be narcissistic, this video is as if you’ve been eavesdropping on our interactions. Every.Single.Aspect. I now know I’m not losing my mind lol

My daughter in law is a narcissist. I'd have no problem avoiding her except for one thing: she's the mother of my only grandchild. I have had to learn (and it's a daily process) the steps of the dance that I must do every time I deal with her. It's like being an actress and performing a role. I cannot break script, or I'll be set back and punished for it. The punishment is always the same: less time with grandchild, and I must jump through her hoops to get ANY time at all. I never in my life have had to deal with anyone quite like her. Always an agenda, always a grudge (which may be decades old), always a 'no'. In the beginning I would lament, 'why can't she just come from a place of love?! Love is never selfish or argumentative!'. But 'love' (for anyone but herself) is not in her. My grandson is six years old tomorrow, and I grieve for him. He is but a pawn to her. A weapon, if you will. She exerts her control over him with an iron hand. My son has completely rolled over to her because...happy wife, happy life. It's just too easy for him to give her complete control. He is complicit, and I'm angry at him, too. But I will do just about anything to remain in my grandson's life, and make sure he knows I love him always!!! I hope he's able to come through this unscathed.

My narc purposely misinterprets everything I say and do. She starts fights then claims i started them.

You previously did a video about "unhooking" from the narcissist, and the behavior that you describe in this video is what people need to look for as the deciding factors to unhook. You just slow fade from them, put their text and phone calls on mute, respond much later, make yourself unavilable, stop getting into any debates or back and forth, gray rock or yellow rock is the way to go. You also once said "kindness without empathy is manipulation." That's something else to look out for, people can ask themselves "why is this person being so kind, generous or friendly and I don't really need it." I find that narcissists often want you to feel like you owe them, and it's when you accept their help and now feel like you owe them that they reveal their agenda, then once you meet their agenda you're tossed aside.

I had a feeling that a person was not really a good person, fake compassion, user of other people, users of things you might give them. Then, the true person came out when I truly needed a friend, they were mean and ungrateful, no empathy at all. They tossed me into the street and called me names, I walked away from this user, two of them in 2 years!!

I work with a covert narcissist. She is the ultimate victim. Everything is about her. Fortunately I can just step back and observe.

Just for fun: "triangulation" sung to the tune of the song "anticipation" triangulation, tri-angula-a-tion, it makes me insane.... it's keeping me waaaaailing

You're describing an ex-friend perfectly. I dumped this person when I got fed up with exactly the type of behavior you're describing here. I used to watch her interact with others, and wonder why they didn't become as annoyed as I was. In a previous video, you called it Communal Narcissism.

I have seen this type of narcissist had everyone fooled. Some of the things he did when he dropped the mask were simply not sane.

This right here is why I have a hard time trusting that someone is who they say they are anymore.

I have a Homeless Narc with her three children that I took in three weeks ago. When I met her she said she just needed a place to stay for three day and her new apartment would be ready. she's been lying about getting a place. There are no words to explain the turmoil I am presently in. I Have full blown PTSD, insomnia, anxiety disorder, and hypertension. I can not wait for this nightmare to be over! I feel drained and depleted. I hope I don't end up dead!

This is highly educational, but also very chilling. I've been the only one who's been helping my 80 yo disabled mom, and it's really recently that I started to suspect that she has most likely been a covert narcissist all her life. A lot of those traits have been there for decades, but over the last several years, it seems that she went even further up that narcissism scale that these videos have been a lifesaver and a way to preserve my own sanity. The way how my mom always presents herself as my best friend and someone who lives for me and would give her life for me, yet ,as soon as I voice my own desires and preferences, I get labeled as being passive aggressive, having a short fuse and also end up being called clumsy, impractical, selfish, the one with his head in the clouds, unorganized etc. Yet if I do things the way she wants me to do them, I am the best son in the world and so talented and smart and creative. It really took me a long, long time to realize that it wasn't just my father who was a narcissist, but that my mother is probably one, too :(.

The thing they love the most - they'll say something to you, or text something to you, or email something to you that is indirectly disparaging or insulting to you, but wrapped in something that's supposed to be some kind of benefit to you. You know exactly what it is and sense the intended insult, and when you call them out on it they go full victim mode like how could you call me out I'm just trying to be helpful towards you. The worst kind of gaslighting.

every narcissist should be locked up in psychiatric hospital.

Once again, Dr. C. - You nailed it!!! 😉 I'm over a year narc free, and devote one day a week to myself and my healing by educating myself on narcissist abuse. Even if no one else close to me understands, I will never again get caught in this trap and will learn all I can in order to help others! The only part that still stings is HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO NAIVE?!?! 😕 Life is a series of lessons, I guess! Yes, the whole "trust me" thing became a trap! Left me isolated from family and friends who knew the narc was no good in the beginning!!! Thanks again for being a beacon of hope for all of us who have been through this! 🤗❤👏

Narc frequently said they were never enough. I came to see it was my job to boost their ego . . . constantly.

There are times I feel angrier than they could ever dream of being.

After 50 years of life, I've finally gotten where I don't ignore the signs. The reason I say that I don't ignore the signs rather than I can see the signs is because I came to realize that the signs were always there, I was just ignoring them. I did see them, I just didn't acknowledge them. I had to learn to look inward as well as outward. I got to the point where I said, "I'm the common denominator. Why? What about me attracts these people?" At some point we have to realize that we bear some responsibility for allowing it to continue and choosing to ignore it. I don't mean that as a way to give narcissists a free pass, just to acknowledge our own roles in why we let it occur or get to the point that it does. I was conditioned in childhood to allow people to treat me badly and ignore these signs and had to learn as an adult to stop ignoring them and stand up for myself. I'm still learning, I don't know if I'll ever be able to totally master it, but I did learn to quickly see it in several situations now. I may always be a target, but I now have began to learn to recognize the signs and end the relationship or refuse to be affected by the behavior early on. I had to get to the point with ones I couldn't simply walk away from where I could stand up for myself and say, I will not talk to you while you are being condescending, rude, hateful, mean, or disrespectful. I will talk to you when we can have a respectful and meaningful conversation. It's ok to put your hand up and reinforce your boundaries...in fact, it's mandatory.

My husband spent years “grooming” me to see him as a knight in shining armour. It wasn’t until he had managed to get me pregnant and got me out of the United States before I was able to see any of the manipulating and lying he had done. And it was still 2 more years of a slow descent into madness before I had experienced enough trauma by him to fully grasp what I was dealing with. Now I’m just trying to get back home to the states where he can never find me or my kids again.

Since the difficult persons are often disconnected from life and reality, they are also disconnected from others and themselves. In their early years, they gave up themselves/stopped holding themselves and desperately cannot let go of others. It is a chaotic and confusing way to live.

Chameleon is a great characterization. Thank you Dr. C for making sense of who my mother really was. I just wanted her to love me, she knew it, and milked it to the end. I was with her when she was dying from cancer. At the end she was a monster. I heard a saying recently. If a parent does not love you, you cannot stop loving them, so you hate yourself. I remember listening to her talking on the telephone with three different people. She changed her personality on each call. Mimicry and the use of cliche's was a big part of her being. I tried to get her to be real at the end, but she wanted nothing to do with it. Examples: I was talking about something and used the term "due diligence". She immediately said, "I hate that word". I was trying to get deep with her and bared my soul and feelings to her. Her response was, "You are too philosophical". She never said she was sorry for anything and rarely said thank you. Narcissism is so cruel. I feel very fortunate there was a good village who helped raise me. Playing a game you can never win is a frustrating and sad situation. Thank you Dr. C, with all my heart, for helping me understand. Give Gus a pet from me.

They never have a good day… every day is a stressed filled day of putting outs fires and solving problems that only they can handle. A constant martyr…

You can see it in their eyes when you learn. Another thing, they clench their teeth and mouth when they are angry and dont want to show it-say it.

That cute dog feels so comfortable listening to the voice of the person who takes care of him. Just like a baby.

I find that even though I am now far away from the grasp of a narcissistic sister that she still has the ability to enter my thoughts when I have a shaky day and lack of self belief. the pervasive nature of covert narcs lingers on. Your videos really help to ground me. Thankyou for your insight, wisdom and gus x

Great advice-don’t play the game. It’s all a game to a narcissist 🙄

" Raw selfishness "....... So very true.

I didn't see it for many many years until i moved away...i cant believe that my mom is one...now i decided to keep her as far as away from me...its baffling to me as to why my mom hates me so much...why would she sabotage and demean her own only daughter...i want the best for my child but from her all i get is jealousy and anger and minimizing my accomplishments...its like trying to have a relationship with a wall...

When I heard the definition of a vulnerable narcissist (which is often used interchangeably with covert narc) I about fell off my chair. I FINALLY knew what had been going on with my sister all these years. The definition I heard was, “a vulnerable narcissist is someone who believes they deserve preferential treatment because they suffer so much.” Wow. That was her to a “T”. Thank you Dr. C for all your devoted efforts to help those of us who have been on the receiving end of such abuse.

This information is gold. It just confirmed for me that I am, without a doubt, dealing with a covert narcissist. This person does not respect my, or my wife's, boundaries at all. He just crossed a major boundary about 2 months ago that still has us upset. Now we can see quite clearly what is going on. We have a covert narcissist on our hands. And other things you said confirm it as well. I am about 3 weeks into minimum contact (can't go no contact quite yet, but it is coming) Thank you for educating me (and others) on how to spot and deal with a soul draining narcissist. I'm very grateful for this information. It's like a college education. As you say, knowledge is power. And now I have a lot more than I had before. I feel good about that. It's going to help, a lot.

This describes my ex perfectly. He definately did things to help me (but only things others could see). He then later used the phrase "all I have done for you" alot