A Covert Narcissist's pretending game: 1. Let's pretend I am really in to you... 2. Let's pretend I do care about you... 3. Let's pretend I am so empathetic... 4. Lets pretend I am so compassionate... 5. Let's pretend I am so very helpful... 6. Let's pretend I do have future plans with you... 7. Let's pretend I am so humble... 8. Let's pretend I am so clumsy... Just kidding because in fact... 1. I am just mirroring you for I can not see you 2. I do not care about anybody than myself 3. I can only be empathetic in a cognitive way as long as I want to and I am totally unaware and unable of emotional empathy 4. I can only be compassionate about myself 5. I need you for my surviving because supply is the only thing to survive 6. I just need to feed my ego for this moment 7. I am omnipotent 8. This is a good strategy to hook you for my hidden agenda - I am so clever in my game.
From France, looking forward to Dr Carter s words, I guess that at the end of the "pretending" game, the covert narcissic has never actually lived despite his success in sabotaging whoever threatens him, unlike YOU having consciousness, values, feelings, genuine emotions, faith, empathy, universal ❤, memories ... He is just a robot made of flesh and bones , envious, devious, delirious, rambling around. And aging badly. What a pitiless terminator like an eating machine! A fake person, a lie to be ignored. Cherish your inner self above all 🎉 💐 🌷
I learned not to trust anybody, husband, doctor, medical people, family, neighbors.... all have betrayed my trust. edit; I forgot to add ministers/pastors/preachers...yup deceived by them also. ..sad to say
Life has literally become (for me) 1) Who to trust (and who NOT to trust) and 2) How much to trust. I cannot imagine a life of not having anyone to trust. The key is to become that trustworthy person for others.
When a covert starts to do something for you.... RUN. Do not accept the favor. If they do anything nice, it's only because they plan on using that kindness to manipulate you in the future.
It's disturbing to see that there are ALWAYS strings attached - usually to get WAY more out of you then they ever did for you. It's total manipulation.
My mother is the textbook definition of a covert narcissist being what I call “nice nasty.” They insult you while trying to be sugar, sugar at the same time. Anything they say is a lie and they reel you in pretending to care but once they have you the real meanness and narcissist comes out and you’re thinking “who are you?”
Exactly - they can put on this sickly sweet veneer and interacting with them they're only nice if the right people are watching and even then they sound like bad actors repeating memorized lines. They are never spontaneous and real. They are only helpful towards you unless the right people are watching.
@@leazy1618 I totally agree. They are lovely when other people are watching. Image is everything, scratch the surface and you'll find a messed up person. Stay away if you can...
@@tinajones5548 It's someone at work. I don't really have much to do with them. Recently I gave up denial of my hearing problem and testing shows I'm moderately deaf in both ears. When I got my hearing aids this particular person was taking passive aggressive digs and being weird. They seem to thrive on being an eternal victim, one huge crisis after another. Naturally there was a bit more attention on me as I was now wearing hearing aids. Oh boy they did not like that and I'm sat thinking, for real. You're jealous because I'm basically half deaf!? That's kinda sick, at least to me it is.
Authenticity is KEY to recognizing them. Actions speak louder than words, for sure. But their words also give them away, when you realize how two-faced they really are. Someone that talks smack about you or others behind their back is a RED FLAG.
If someone is telling lies & 💩 about others behind their backs...That's a 🏁 for me because I'm done & out of there.Healthy folks don't 🏃♀️ around making up awful 💩 about others, that's a smear campaign & it's toxic.
@angelacahill9460 That's exactly right and I've experienced it so many times in regard to others believing that narcissistic individuals are "lovely," whereas I know different since they've shown me their true colours, so to speak, and put some of them down! I've decided that they must view me as even lower on their scale because it doesn't take them long to treat me with contempt, while still having their mask on for others, which isn't good for my self-esteem, especially when it's happening with neighbours too. 🙁
„i love you, this home is your home, i never mean any harm nor bad to you“ - „makes you fall down“ a spiral staircase and continues with hissing slurs at you, as you were shaking and crying. And calling you a damn narcissist and fake cryer as he kicks you out of the house.
“I’D DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR YOU!” Except work, help take care of our home, help pay our bills, or anything else. Except play video games all day and night.
My mom too. They are so very ill. But to the outside world it's poor pitiful me. Cannot wait til her funeral and somebody says "oh your mother was the sweetest person, my reply will be "she was a raging narcissist".😂
They tend to tell stories, especially the ones in which they were supposedly wronged, in a one-sided half-truth way, omitting any details about how they might have contributed to the incident. It is only when the other party also tells you the story, you understand the whole story. After telling you the story, narcissist often tries to forbid you to talk to the other party. They want to have a master-slave relationship with people. That is why they cannot handle self-confident people, because those people refuse such a relationship.
Describes my Ex husband . The half stories . He always wanted to make himself look great wanted everyone to praise him But the story was false He never could be wrong . Twist everything and blame everyone else
Exactly, "covert pretentious narcissists tend to be poor listeners. They may seemingly be interested in who you are but inevitably they have a way of either bringing the topic back to themselves, to their favourite topics or they'll just move on to something that they feel more comfortable with. They don't really want to know you at a real full level unless they are gathering facts that they are going eventually use against you."
Very true! I remember sitting across the table in a restaurant from a CN - she asked me a question so I proceeded to answer it - she's looking out the window, checking her phone. I just stopped talking. That was one of many things that I recognized that were indicative of a CN - the last straw was when she attempted to gaslight me - that was it for me.
This is so insanely true. The first time I opened up about my screwed up childhood to my covert narc in-laws they "have to close the windows first, so that the neighbor doesnt hear what we talk".
The positive aspect of having dealt with a narcissist is that I was able to quickly recognize the next one. My suggestion is to trust your intuition and judgment ❤
If you confront a narcissist about their behavior all they do is wait until you say something you care about so they can use it to manipulate you. When they hear the first thing you care about they think 'Yes! I got something I can use to win this conversation!'
My husband, hopefully soon to be ex husband, used anything that I cared enough to talk about or get excited about against me. Always. Now after 16 years of it I learned to NEVER talk to him about or let him hear me talk about anything I remotely care about. It’s sad that the person you should be able to trust more than anyone else in the world, learns to turn the things you care about into something ugly.
It can become kind of saddening when the narcissist in one's life completely and deliberately ignores your intelligence in hope that you *do* see what is clearly happening. In this type of situation the narcissist will pretend right to your face as they try to lure you into an argument that they are designing in real time. The narcissist may try to pretend that you are not understanding them or what they are trying to say. Even when you repeat their words back to them showing that you in fact do understand, they will still persist with their charade because they are in desperate need of supply. 1- refuse to allow them to upset or anger you 2- always refrain from an overly emotional response Always remember: people who possess a strong sense of integrity will typically refuse to allow anyone to tamper with it, so stay strong.
Covert narcissist also disguised as a simple, shy and poor guy next door who needs to be protected, helped and taken care of- that's how he exploits your vulnerability- through your naturally empathy and compassion.
So true ... after 35 years of saying absolutely *nothing* to my narcissistic mother-in-law and putting up with her verbal abuse I finally told her-- back in 2021, that I was tired of being criticized by her. She immediately acted surprised and said "What?!" ...and her tone of voice screamed 'I'm a victim' ... so she pretended not to know what I was talking about and asked how she criticized me. So I had to repeat what she had *just* said to me, and now she's laughing and saying "oh my, guess I need to speak more carefully to you lol!" ...yeah *laughing* at me hahaha. And then she said "you're too sensitive." And she never acknowledged being critical but attempted to flip everything around on me along with *more* criticism, and that's when I decided I'd had enough of her nonsense. I realized I wasn't ever going to get through to her. So I blocked her number. I didn't tell her I blocked her. But my husband called his mom and asked her not to call me anymore -- to only call him. And then when she called him she continued to play the victim and whine, like I'd done something wrong by not wanting to take her verbal abuse anymore and that I was "hurting her" because I wouldn't talk to her, oh boo-hoo; when, in fact, all these years she was hurting me. So bizarre how covert narcissists think and operate.
Good for you for finally standing up to her, and refusing to take the abuse anymore. That is what they typically do when confronted: play the victim, and pretend they have no idea what you're talking about. And also typical of them to LAUGH in the face of your pain. All of this describes my mother, and also a past boyfriend, completely! I am happy that it seems your husband is on your side, and that he supports you going no contact with her.
My notorious cousin Windy feigns Shock when I said" you are NOT sincere!" She makes ugly scenes at parties, showers& birthdays. Ugly! A 60 year old woman always ready to RAGE.
It would not. The lie detector senses your bodies reaction to lying. if you think that lying is a bad thing your heart rate will go up, you will sweat, etc. for a narcissist, psychpath and other Cluster B lying is kind of a virtue and they are very skilled in it so their body will not react.
This is my life. They are so defensive, so paranoid, so on edge. I think they find anyone who has been loved and makes them feel not worthy of love. It is a weird, selfish, hypocritical game where everyone loses. Everyone loses.
So true! And the very thing they love about you in the beginning is the very thing they want to destroy! It's so sick. It took me years to finally see this toxic pattern, but I can't unsee it now. I am slowly getting back to the old me...but I remember being this confident Woman who slowly began to feel less than and undeserving. I would seek validation from him all the time and he used subtle ways to diminish my self-esteem and cause me major doubt. It was so confusing, but I started to see strange patterns and listen to him very carefully and the actions never matched his words on a consistent basis. It was like he did enough to win me back and that was it. Any complaint I had, anytime I tried to hold him accountable, he'd push the blame on me and say "Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you. You are the type of person who will be unhappy and find fault in anything" I thought that was so true so I started doing extensive therapy and realized I was never the problem. I let the trash take itself out this time. Bye bye!!
The speed with which they completely change their mind about people is the sure sign of their pretend game. From all bad to perfect if they have a new use for you, and when you try to remind them of their previous attitude, they flatly deny ever saying that, asking you if you’re ok while (for once) looking you straight in the eye 😮
Yeah people like narcs & also borderlines have issues with "Splitting"...Meaning it's either good or garbage, there's not much in-between for them.I'm guessing this is partially why sometimes people mistake narcs & possibly even borderlines for having untreated Bipolar disorder🤔.
Now I see how the "let's pretend" game allows the narcissist to not tell a lie (because he's SO all about being truthful, lol), yet at the same time NOT being truthful.
You can pretty much count on 4 out of every 5 things they tell you ends up being...A conveniently twisted truth,a outright lie,or they purposely leave out critical info.Their 1st language is gaslighting... Honestly I'd rather even be around a good person that spoke with farts coming out of their 👄 instead of words because at least they'd still be genuine & would make the effort to ✍🏻 down their words for me so I could understand them🙄.
After the initial shock of seeing through them and their pretense their charades actually become hilarious although frustrating. They really believe their own BS.
It can become kind of saddening when the narcissist in one's life completely and deliberately ignores your intelligence in hope that you *do* see what is clearly happening. In this type of situation the narcissist will pretend right to your face as they try to lure you into an argument that they are designing in real time. The narcissist may try to pretend that you are not understanding them or what they are trying to say. Even when you repeat their words back to them showing that you in fact do understand, they will still persist with their charade because they are in desperate need of supply. 1- refuse to allow them to upset or anger you 2- always refrain from an overly emotional response Always remember: people who possess a strong sense of integrity will typically refuse to allow anyone to tamper with it, so stay strong.
They really do. I caught my ex in a whole lie, and she fought me tooth and nail that it wasnt true. Meanwhile I had the whole receipt and showed her, she still tried to fight me , but gave in eventually cause I had the proof over text. That's when I knew she full on cold heartedly believed what she was telling me. It was too funny watching her shut down after I pulled out the texts lol
That’s what I’m grappling with! Do they know what they’re doing? Do they know it’s wrong or do they think it’s just? Are they delusional or are they conniving or both? Seems like such a dangerous type of person, the consistently inconsistent behaviors.
Plausible deniability is a foremost skill set. The Jeopardy Approach is a favorite; asking questions that presume something insulting within the wording, then claiming they're just curious. Pretending they're not projecting something awful onto you so they won't be held accountable for simply saying it. Believe they are in the superior position to expose who you truly are when the nonsense is all in their own head.
this is a really interesting observation. what i have seen is that all it takes is a moment of clarity enough to ask them, 'what do you mean?' if you're into slap stick comedy, you'll love watching them fall all over themselves coming up with a response.
@@rbizzle18 Yes! It's the simplest solution I learned a little while back. Instead of being afraid of looking defensive, go 180 on that one and calmly ask, "Why would you ask that?" or "What are you getting at?" (Since the narc doesn't have the guts to pull the mask off most times even in the unmaskd phase many a times, nothing like shocking them into stripping the thing off and then calmly asking them to continue on as if it's a legitimate conversation and not a frame!)
@@NoMoreMrNiceGuy2003The thing is that they are going to play the victim no matter what so all they have to do in return is claim that you asked them this question in a highly defensive loud aggressive way as if you’re somehow the aggressor
Currently going through this with my in-laws (father in law and brother in law). They've mastered this skill very well. They can be overt about their hatred so they are coverts. You just can tell they're using this tactic to get me to react inappropriately in a social setting or a family gathering. In the hope of using my reaction against me, to discredit me and validate their intended smear campaign. How would you guys manage this ?
Oh, yes...the "You're not going to do 'that,' are you...? Where 'that' is the thing they really don't want you to do...even though it requires nothing from them, no involvement or effort... But, when confronted about the negativity they respond, "I was JUST ASKING!". Total BS. It's subtle, controlling behavior designed to plant doubt in your mind.
"Let's pretend I'm nice". He's not! I'm tired of having regrets about stupid decisions I keep making. I want to move forward, but keep slipping back. So stressed.
Oh! I remember being at that point! It's called two steps forward, three steps back - that's ok, just keep doing what you're doing - pay attention to how you are feeling, just keep moving forward, toward yourself, toward your gut feelings, trust yourself - and get out as soon as you can. Start laying the foundations now, keep your own counsel - don't confess anything to him in a weak moment, and when you've had enough, or something really upsetting happens and you have a sudden break from him - you will appreciate the work you did to make the exit possible or easier. You can't make these relationships work, btw. that hope is why you think you are slipping back - specifically, you are checking every angle to see if this relationship really isn't salvageable, which is understandable and an admirable quality, but I will save you some time, maybe decades, so pay attention: it's not salvageable, not without contorting yourself in every way. You won't be able to keep it up for long and it will cost you in ways you can't imagine now. Relationships with a narc can't work. Get out. Make it a surprise - very important. Save yourself.
@@usualsuspects42 after almost a decade together, it's so hard to walk away and start my adult life over from scratch. I'm so isolated and broken that I will have to rebuild myself, my social life and financial stability- everything- while grief stricken, exhausted, and alone. The temptation to try and salvage what I've invested so much into is powerful. Thank you for the reminder and clarity, I need it when my fear of the unknown future keeps me miserable and stuck!
Today, I'm going with "dishonest: Some of his behavior may be pretend. Some of it is just plain dishonest. Today, I'm trying to get myself to remember "dishonest"
@@MM-nh8ez yuck, that's a scary thought. My horney Hispanic parents ended up with kids. We weren't planned or wanted. We were an outcome of lust not love.
It's uncanny. How they are so predictable. Scary. The problem is that we take them seriously and then get ulcers, when in reality it's all a sham. Fake. Nothing is real, so it can't go anywhere real.
One of the best statements, that I found sorrowing and at the same time hilarious: "For the covert narcissist, honesty is optional." Very, very good and on point! My mother is a covert and at the same time vulnurable and kind of malignent narcissist. I spent almost 40 years till I realized, that 'the problem' was never me. It is hard work to understand, that I never was 'bad', 'egocentric', 'coldhearted', 'dirty', 'disigning' and so on ... an endless list of adjectives pinned on one self, that take decades of therapy and work to get rid of. I think, that I will never get rid of all of these things, but I think, I am able zu turn the volume of the voices in my head down, that throw these things towards me. Going no contact was also very helpfull, but since a few weeks she is seeking my company again - seems to me, I have to set more and clearer boundaries. By the way, I love your lovely dog in the back of the video. Such a sweetheart.
My ex narc boyfriend "complimented" me on my new haircut, then asked me "but what will you do about the gray hair"? Another time he came to pick me up for our lunch date to celebrate his birthday. I took great care to look nice for our date and the special occasion. When I opened the door and he came in, all he could say was "oh, you're wearing a dress". Their back handed compliments always come with a free slap in the face attached!
@christinelamb1167 love that, so true with a "free slap in the face"!😂 I did same took him out for a civilised birthday meal, he turned up unshaven, in dirty work clothes looked me up and down and said "are you going somewhere!" He also ruined my graduation ball by refusing to speak to anyone, just scowled and chewed his nails all night, I was close to tears. Not a single compliment of me in my ball gown - or ever come to think of it! Free at last 🙌
The narcissists in my life have been playing the pretending game ever since the "family system" has been set up. I need to steer myself clear from it as well as other "games" they will try to pull me into to keep me trapped as the family scapegoat. As the moto DoctorRamani always say, "You can't win". Just avoid playing a narcissist's game at all to escape from them.
This is so true: "they want you to stay confused about your understanding of things so that they can fill you with them and their way of doing things".
It is very upsetting to watch orhers fall under their spell knowing there is nothing you can do about it because they are just as blind and jaded as you were.
I'd take my elderly narc mother to the local senior center weekly and I was appalled at the LIES she would tell them right in front of me about her health to gain their sympathy no doubt. I always kept my mouth shut but I was appalled!! I went no-contact 1 year ago.
@@daynapeterson9033 lol. yup many stupid people buy into their lies. these narc can't think of the consequences of their lies and smear campaign on their children. what if one psychopath bought into their lies and have all their children slaughter? have they ever thought of that? Australia already had one case where the wife spread rumors that her husband molest their daughters, and he was killed by a group of 'superheroes' trying to cleanse the world.
@@Daygoth It's tough at first but that lightbulb moment will come and you will see how far gone they are and walking away will be the only option. She groomed her GC with $ to be there for her. It's not my fault he's an unemployed drunk.
They purposefully misunderstand you, they want to keep you confused, they are empty souless miserable things that enjoy your pain. Abusive people are an absolute disgust to the human race. Don't play their game they have no limits. Go no contact and focus on your healing. Stop attracting these monsters ❤
I feel like in gaining more knowledge about the narcissist personality type we also end up learning more about many of the people currently in positions of power as these types of people are attracted to positions of power and prestige as flys are attracted to doo doo. This personality type is found in a higher number of politicians, CEOS, high ranking government types, FBI, CIA, NASA etc. Unfortunately, there seems to
The psychopaths(Satanic Banksters) lay traps to blackmail the sociopaths(CEOs, politicians) who are then placed into positions of power. The sociopaths create an army of narcissists(the Woke)using social engineering to do the dirty work.
IMO - And unfortunately many devotees go along with the cruel tactics never questioning the behavior or some individuals become flying monkeys for the narcissist.
They're much worse than the general population who, today, average around 1 out of every 5 ppl being Narcs. They're so prevalent. 20% is really Scary! The people on the Far, Alt-Rt., especially. Like, "Rt. W. Authoratarians" and the Christo Fascists.
@@butterflygirl2285 yes. Also they love the control. They know things backstage that happen and others do not. This gives them superiority and they think if people don't know how it all really works then it's their own fault because they should know, therefore they deserve it. Having access to such top secret matters and status from a job role is the supply because of the control that brings.
Thank you Dr C! This really hit home. In my personal experience recently, the narcissist said, I never liked you. I was never comfortable around you. But I tried and it didn’t work. Aka-you failed my test. The Truth: the narcissist pretended. They did not try. They lied.
Then gather everyone to say how they "tried EVERYTHING to help you but you know they were mentally ill right?" Grief-reactive depression does not equate to mental illness. They can't help but smear you even when they KNOW you truly are altruistic, imperfect, authentic and kind. They need to destroy the evidence whilst they wear your virtues.
What a conundrum? The loving, caring, quiet, humble, understanding, empathetic, authentic, honest, knowledgeable, nice, capable, altruistic, got-your-back best friend.....NOT!!!! It is so eye-opening for me to learn the truth about these pretentious, unhealthy, sad people. I will stay on my path of peace. Dr. C., thanks for covering the covert end of this spectrum.
That's so sad...! They destroy what they used to love about us. That way, we won't share it with the next person. (As if there'd be a "next person" after all this crap!)
1. compliment while complaining (backhanded compliment) 2. Seem to be interested but there's no follow up - shallow. Or want something in return for helping you 3. make excuses for their mistakes, want to be seen as ideal. 4. make exaggerated false promises - no sencerity 5. extremely concerned about public image 6. very thin skinned - ready to be offended 7. have exaggerated need to appear pleasing - with hidden agenda 8. are poor listeners 9. tend to tell half-truths to make another person look bad 10. must be in the superior position 8.
I appreciate how much attention you pay to covert narcissism on this channel. I was the scapegoat of a covert narcissistic mother. I cannot imagine a worse hell to go through.
The backhanded compliment, *the good deeds bank account*, the passive aggressive lack of follow through, the exaggerated blow his/her own horn, the public persona so everyone else thinks you’re nuts when you tell them how they really are, the super defensiveness, the lack of listening for real, only for fodder, the half truths. Yep, married that…
Thank you. Dr. Carter. I've been watching your videos for quite some time. You have saved my life and sanity. My mother is a covert narcissist. She is in her 80's now, and I'm so healed, thanks to you, it's almost easy to deal with her now and there is no more pain for me. Just a gripping in my stomach when she starts up. Boy, what a huge waste of a lifetime narcissists suffer and so much pain and destruction in their wake.
Yes, I know exactly what u r talking about. My NM was in her early 90s when her mask completely fell off and it was DR C videos that taught me what I had been dealing with for so long and how to give boundaries. Finally I had to go no contact as my older flying monkey siblings had to finally do their share of care of her. Destruction everywhere but as Dr C says "That's on You". ..concerning their outrageous behaviors.
@@daynapeterson9033the last times I visited my mum I had diarrhea too. It's real. They stress us too much. I had to go no contact for my own health and sanity. After 18 months I visited her and her mask is completely off now. It's wild.
Thank you for all your help with understanding more about these nasty narcissists. My ex man friend is a covert narcissist and they are mixed up humans. He did so many strange things. Going away with him was horrible as he never seemed to be able to have fun. He would help me at my house but not want to spend time with me, weird. I would be chatting and he never listened to what I had to say, he even laughed and said he never listens to a women. We would go out and unless I spoke it was just silence. He never wanted to try new things. Very quick to anger. We have not been together for a while now and it really has taken a lot of my confidence away. My wish is that people listen to this type of information and if they think they are with any type of narcissist, RUN.
Wow, that sounds so much like my ex man friend, as well! I finally dumped him after 9 months, I couldn't take it anymore! That whole experience with him completely stressed me out to the point of physical illness. I am still dealing with the repercussions almost 2 years later, suffering from some kind of "mystery illness" that is making my life a nightmare. Yes, it is important to understand who these people are (narcs), and run as quickly and as far as you can! They will destroy you if given the chance.
Sometimes can't you just say to narc husband "you're so full of excuses? I'm tired". I really want to. But.....we know how it ends. Geez. Exhausting! I'm learning though. So glad to find you and other resources. Can't leave him. It's complicated 🙄. I'm 61. All these years truly thought it was me. After therapy for myself for the last 5? Discovered it's not just MY shortcomings as he led me to believe. Now just bobbin' and weavin' to the finish line . Regrets? I have a few 😉.....wishing is not an option. Must now move forward and make the best of what's left. Radical acceptance. Being my best healthy self, always on alert for baiting and pitfalls. Know what's missing? The anxiety/dread of each dawning day. And THAT feels good. ❤️.
Best of Luck to you! If you feel unsafe, Get Out! Have a Backup Plan ready to Go. One never knows what will Trigger them. Or, how far their Crimes well go.
Dr Carter, I hope that you won't laugh at me like many other therapists have done, but I realized "This is me" before I was two (I think). My mother had been gaslighting me ss long as I can remember. My very earliest memory is of her badmouthing me to someone (I think my father) and who she was describing was so off base that I thought to myself, "I'm not that little girl. I'm THIS little girl. I'm ME." Later in life, many psychologists have told me that it is a miracle that I am as sane as I am, given what my parents gave me to work with.
Throughout receiving help from you Dr C, I flowed from dealing with my narc ex to realizing that my older sister is one. My father died in August, and she informed me that I was not in the will. She had him change it when he started having dementia. It really hurt me, but she has her reward. And I am no contact with her too and am on the recovery road Thank-you!❤
My wife pretends she doesn’t initiate any of the arguments and claims everything is started by me. Yes, I sometimes do initiate things by addressing how I’m hurt by her actions. Of course I’m out of line sometimes, but she has me thinking I I might be the narcissus.
I dealt with a covert narcissist for about 2 months. Lovebombing the first month and breadcrumbing the second with a lot more gaslighting and manipulation than in the lovebombing phase. A lot of lying throughout the relationship. I even told him he wasn't a good liar. Even if I believed him, he was sloppy with small lies and you cannot hide the big ones forever. When you ask questions that require some emotional insight, the answer is always ridiculous, as if you're talking to a petulant child. I went no contact and also cut ties with another man that raised many red flags. I was not going to wait and to find out if he was another covert narcissist for sure on that one. Never again for me. 🙅
VERY poor listener. If I phoned, they had no time to talk, until they started talking about themselves. If I switched the topic back to me, again, "No time!', but if I changed it back to them, they would yak for another half hour. It was predictable as a light switch! Then I got blamed because they didn't get their housekeeping done!!!!!
I have watched a lot of narcissistic videos but I've never related as much as this one. When I was dating my husband he said "you can believe everything I say, you can trust me, I've got your back,"
He made me out to be so damaged, he said I had to bring my walls down and he was only there to help. Told me he had addressed and healed from all his traumas. What he meant was I had to trust him and rely on him so that he could destroy my life behind my back. A few weeks before I finally got him out of my home he confessed he had never done any work on his traumas. He said it so casually. Just like Ted bundy told his wife he had killed all the women, as soon as he needed to buy himself time to stay alive and get more appeals. After maintaining his innocence the entire time and this being the foundation of their marriage It was one of the ways I actually began trusting him because he lied to me like that..... Never again
One of the big signs for me, in retrospect, was the inordinate need to know a lot of detail from my past. It was ultimately used as a weapon against me.
Im starting to realize that im dating a covert narcissist. The first red flag was when she threw a tantrum that I took s picture of an art piece instead of her. I should have dropped her like a hot rock right then and there. I kept hoping she would get sick of me and dump me but she actually wants me this way. I'm starting to see that you just have to cut and run, absorb whatever debt because its worth it in the end
My former boss was a Great Pretender and now that I've had a few years to reflect, it really is creepy how she would emulate, imitate, and copy other people including myself. (Often taking the credit for our work, our ideas, or our suggestions in the workplace.) I remember we traveled together for work or would often attend conferences or go out to eat. She told me on a few occasions how she notices how I treat people and how I am always professional and respectful with them. If I had a nice conversation with an Uber driver or a server and I left a big tip for them, she would later say out loud, more to herself than me. "I need to be more like you and engage in conversation with them. I need to compliment them more and be posiitive. And I need to always leave a good tip, like you do." I would just nod and smile, not knowing what to say. After a while, I noticed she would often quote something I said, word for word in her meetings and speeches. She imitated others as well. It was so weird! As if she had to take on the personalities and positive qualities of others because she lacked these qualities.
Thank you for these videos, Mr. Carter. That first thing "They come of/present themselves as broken" Is exactly what happened. He told me straight out "I'm broken" I thought he was only depressed, then autistic but no, he really was completely broken, I have never seen anything like it before or after and it's been 2 years now. He wasnt exagerating or making it up; he was *completely* broken.
Thanks as always Dr C! I always have a sense of relief watching your videos💯 They ground me and remind me I'm not the one in the wrong when experiencing ongoing gaslighting! I would also like to thank the sweet little gentleman Gus!🥰 Just calmly laying there, he provides much comfort and happiness❤🐶
And thankyou@krisfinley6706 ... it is somewhat comforting while dealing with this to know you are not the only one! For 30 years I thought I was! But never had a name for it! So happy to have an insightful friend who led me down the path of understanding what I and soooo many others are dealing with. And thankyou so much for the video Dr/ Mr Les!❤ amazing !
This is my Dad. It's hard because you only see the nasty side if you're a woman who is 'disobedient' and don't do what he wants. So many people worship him and think he's the best and I'm some terrible human.
I just wanted to make a comment about genuinely, chronically ill people here...especially ones with 'invisible illnesses'...they can, at times come across as being a covert Narcissist, because their World often becomes very small...and even though well intentioned, cannot follow through', due to ill health. Also people with Complex PTSD can come across as self-absorbed..as they are in 'survival mode'...it would be great Dr C...if you could make a video about decifering who the 'actual victim/target' is...as sometimes it's hard to tell...especially when DARVO is employed! Thank you for your ongoing, insightful work Dr C...you are such a calming, clear voice when dealing with the 'mindf#%* ery that is narcissism!
As 1 of those with debilitating, chronic, "invisible" auto-immune disorders, thank you for that! I hate when last-minute I can't make it to something. Hard for healthy ppl to understand why I can't "just come - you'll feel better". My covert narci of 40+yrs is a pro at making sure I can't make it to things. Very useful for totally isolating his prey!
It's like working under extreme weather conditions laying bricks. Every time you turn to pick up a brick, and lay the cement, you realize the person you're supposed to be working with keeps removing 3 bricks.
You are so right. My Mother who is a flaming narcissist, went berserk when I objected to her having my boyfriend use Roundup on her yard because there is a $27 billion dollar lawsuit against the company for all the people who have been poisoned by that insecticide.Many of them died. She then called the police, and told them I was trespassing in her house, and tried to get them to arrest me. I am a retired RN with an immaculate record, and convinced the police not to arrest me. They said I had to leave the house immediately and not return. We had flown from Florida to Tenn., and did not have our car. We had planned to fly back to Florida the next day. She told the police she would pay for a motel. She drove us all the way to Nashville, an hour away, and refused to pay for the motel. She then had a major accident in which her car was totaled and we all were almost killed. She hit three other cars and almost ran into a transformer. Then Of course I got blamed for the accident. These people are dangerous psychopaths who will destroy your life or kill you to get vengeance for their delusions.
Questions or being questioned? 90-95% will remain unanswered (mostly the relevant ones) and if some of the questions were too irritating or daring then wait for a sophisticated and nasty retaliation. How did you dare?!
Thanks you dr C for being so explicative. You just descrived my mother in 10 minutes and you don't even know her. I can't imagine how many people you did saved by sharing your light with us about this very serious disorder. It would be wonderful if one day you can make a video for those of us suffering from a single narcissistic parent. Especially the mother. Thanks again for the healing dr C!!
Yes! My mother too. My dad was more the enabler, he stayed gone all day on purpose. She cussed him daily for 55 yrs and when he died she still cussed him because the lightbulb burned out and he wasn't there to fix it.
Your videos are a life saver! His reputation is sacred and boy is he angry that I said things to our therapist that tarnished his image. I am disloyal etc. I am worried about how he plans to retaliate.
@@diane19456 hey sorry to hear that. my question IS about single narcissistic mothers. However, through your therapy you'll learn not to expect anyrhing good from these deeply depressed individuals, from silence punishment, narcissic rage or collapse, smear campaign, there's truely nothing good to expect. It's utterly sad for us at the moment we discover that we are just nothing for them, but it's also the first step to dignity and respect. Stay strong and focus on authanticity, do not expect them to understand you, it's beyond their will and capabilities. And i Can Say that my life as never been that peaceful since i understand this mental disorder and learned how to totally nullify these broken individual. Cheers from Brussels !
This accurately describes my now ex partner. Unfortunately I was with them for 6 years age 50-56, they held all the power, decisions and finance. He is a multimillionaire with a Ferrari, Porsche, Tesla, 3 million pound home (which we built together but he financed), 2 holiday homes and a boat and promised me marriage and commitment. I found out he was subscribed to a local gay hook up site and once I stopped conforming to his agenda he dropped me like a sack of potatoes and is offering me a financial settlement that is the same value as his speaker system and TV. I am seeking therapy through betterhelp, first appointment later today 😢. It’s been horrific and devastating but I feel better knowing it’s not me, so thank you for this episode. It’s one interesting story and I might tell it to warn other vulnerable women 😮 God Bless you all and take care and be kind ❤
This was excellent,thank you❤ As a deep empath, I kept attracting narcissists. I always thought I was the problem😂 Now, i know better! Thank you for being here, Im learning so much!!! I am happy to report, I am single...and not dating😅 I'm living in true peace, ahhhhh!
Yes, Doc. C, they are masterful pretenders. Excellent piece. Thank you. It takes a while to figure them out. I'm guilty of giving people the benefit of the doubt even after I've seen what is clearly malignant covert narco-pathy! You sometimes cannot believe anyone can be so devious, evil, and obsessed with jealousy and surreptitious hatred, which actually applies to everyone around them. When you recognize it, the manifestations present more often, but their facade is unbelievably convincing to others.
disguising criticisms!!! So many times she sounded nice, gentle, and caring and I thought she was trying to be nice when in reality she was being hurtful. And there's diguising criticism as a question - "would you say you're a (fill in the blank")" and asking it every other time you see her. Different words, but always would I call myself a ... or do I consider myselt a .... no matter how many tmes I pretend she's asking an honest question and answer, "no," she asks again! Or she'll tell me that someone else told her (fill in the blank, but something critical) about me. She's always telling me how someone else was shocked and really disliked my daughter's name. I think next time, I'll say, "You sure meet a lot of rude people." Even ifit were true,why would she have to mention all of them!
Your words are way to kind for these monstrous individuals that are absolutely all in for themselves. They care less about anything or anyone but themselves true energy vampires that feed off of good peoples empathy and emotions..
Exactly like woman who had affair with narcissist ex in front of me and married him soon as possible. They were out-narcissisting each other. Good riddance!
Dr. C. Thank you!! This video take me back. My mother had a Black belt in Silence, so when the Narcissist husband came with this, what he didn't realize was that I have learned at an early age to just remove myself from sight and focus on things that interested me. Reading was my outlet, and lost myself in the book. It mostly aggravated both of them. But I continued this but they never learned. Of course they can't....I understand that now. Kept my Peace intact and learned much along the way. You are much Appreciated!!!!
While it’s cathartic to here this we all need to realize re: 11:38 that getting played by narcs may be a symptom for need to get therapy for healing/forgiveness. Just as lions and sharks chase the wounded and vulnerable, so too do narcissists. Getting therapy in my 20s for abuse from my brother turned my life around and helped me avoid getting entangled by narcissists in other aspects of my life.
Had a coworker whos a covert narcissist. They love bombed me and suggested we exchanged phone numbers. Thought that a good friendship was on the horizon. Big mistake. Nice on the surface, quiet and reserved, but utter lack of feeling and empathy and very manipulative. I can feel this person is on the verge of pulling the switch and going all out. Its so aggravating when they pretend like theyre so busy with something or talking with someone while also trying to make you feel insignificant. Horrible and cruel creatures they are.
I'm living this right now. A couple that live in the apartment complex I live in were ALL OVER ME when they first moved in. I know enough to hold out some distrust of people who are your best friend as soon as they meet you, so it didn't surprise me when they 'backed off' and ignored me and my next-door neighbor/very good friend. BUT when he became very ill, and knew he was on his way to the end, they were suddenly all over HIM. When he passed on, they swooped in and she became 'queen bee', ostracizing the guy who bought groceries for him, shopped for him, and checked in on him daily (me). I've been seething for weeks, but have reconciled the situation in the knowledge that he knew how I felt about him, and how he felt about me. I don't need their recognition. I do see myself saying, "Let's just drop the pretense. We're not friends" the next time she pretends we're friends. Nope.
My narc neighbor lady did the same. Attached herself to a dying neighbor. She knew the spouse would be moving and selling things cheap. Yep, bought a huge storage shed and once it was moved to her house, she never paid!!
