Acknowledge Your Ambiguous Grief 

We need to see and support the Unseen loss of Ambiguous Grief. Have you experienced this type of hidden Loss? What did you do to support your or anther's Ambiguous Grief?

I experienced this with my husband. He was the sweetest kind man I had ever known. Over the course of about five years as his health declined, he changed into an argummentive judgemental person. He has passed and I do remember the good times more than the bad.

My late, very loved mother had some sort of cognitive problems after about age 85. We tried to get an MD to diagnose her but she was apparently high functioning at the time and fooled him, to the extent that he accused my husband and I of taking advantage of a poor elderly relative. Frustrating to no end. When she began accusing us of stuff while she lived with us, we had to find a residential care situation, and it became harder and harder -- although the facility was right down the highway -- to be there for her various evaluations or "doctor" visits. I adored my Mom so it was very, very hard facing that we really lost our relationship even though she was physically still on earth. More recently, I lost my dear husband, who had seen me through those terrible days. This was a much more sudden and unambiguous grief, so I guess I've seen both kinds of grieving. Neither is easy in any way. Thanks Jo, for talking about these kind of feelings.

The loss is ambiguous. The grief itself is not at all ambiguous. This is a very important distinction.

Thank you for this! This is exactly what I have been suffering from over 2 long agonizing years. Something I didn’t think anybody in my life would understand.

I can well understand this type of grief as I went from loving wife and part of a strong team of husband and spouse to a fulltime caregiver. At times , he did not know me or there was Debbie the nurse and Debbie the wife. Hard to accept but so needed. the main thing for me is that I knew who he was and would become, love and care ruled that day!

When someone has a stroke, you see this. My mother was not the same person anymore after her stroke. My Dad and I were her caregivers 24/7 for almost 2 years. We lived in denial, thinking she was going to come back to her old self at some point. Why? Because she recovered very well physically from her stroke after 6 months, and her speech and memory were very good, too, in about the same amount of time. She was able to play solitaire and spell any word you gave her. She was very sharp at times, and was able to joke, etc. We simply thought that after 1 year, she would recover emotionally and mentally, too. How wrong we were! She never did; in fact, she seemed to get worse and worse, no matter what we did. There were times where she would be 70% her old self, but it would happen sporadically, and it would leave as fast as it appeared. Someone can have their physical and cognitive abilities without being their true emotional self. Her personality didn't really change (except the severe apathy), but her mental problems pre-stroke were amplified X100 after the stroke. This turned her into another person, making her almost impossible to deal most of the time. We recognized her old personality, but still not the same person, if that makes any sense. At any rate, we started to really grieve her the 2nd year, realizing she was never coming back to the person she was before the stroke. Sadly, she died from sepsis that came about from a hospital stay after having had 2 severe seizures induced by the stroke. So, all in all, I lost my mother twice. Really, really hard to accept. The only comfort I have is knowing that I really lost her the day she had her stroke, 2 years ago. This gives me a bit of comfort. We went 2 years without having had her being "her." And we made it through. Peace and love to everyone!

This is so very accurate. Rather than feeling like I allowed the bad years with my mother and my dear husband to override the memories of the past. This deeply unrecognizable grief simply lay a blanket of forgetting over my soul; making me numb and confused at their deaths. Anticipatory grief was a constant companion for those 20 years. Cortisol and autoimmune disease oppressed my body, even while I functioned in a robotic way for the last three years. The story is long and twisty, but saying it to acknowledge how many forms of grief I still can feel buried beneath. Please keep talking to us.

I just stumbled on this video. This is what has been ongoing with me for almost 20 years. My dear son is in late stages of alcoholism. .When we're together, I encourage him, try to have a pleasant time, reminisce, bring him some joy. When we're not together (most of the time), I cry alot, and work very hard to be hopeful, or to not think of him at all. Thank you for shedding light on this subject.

I've been unknown carrying around a lot of suppressed ambiguous grief for a few years now, and this video has really helped me understand it better. Thank you.

Thank you for this post. It was sent to me by a social worker and just what I’ve been experiencing. I feel let down over and over again and can understand that my disappointment is tangible and upsetting the person in my life who is going through what they’re going through. I find myself slipping into resentment too. I’m a long time member of a 12 step group so am fortunate to have lots of support. I like what you said about honouring the relationship from the past while understanding the present circumstances that are affecting my present relationship.

I just found this video right before bed. I’m experiencing many of the things you’ve shared and to have it explained and validated is so valuable. I’m learning little by little how to live the ever changing life due to my husband’s health and my struggles from almost 17 yrs of great stress. Now I struggle with many health issues including depression and anxiety and my adult children, well two of the three, cannot seem to handle where I am after the years of dealing with dad. This has left me isolated alone and more to grieve. I’m only just starting to recognize all the damage that’s coming to light and I need to learn how to cope and grieve in the midst of so much ongoing loss. I recently heard someone say that love can sometimes be a knife in the heart and there’s times it’s twisted and turned causing more hurt and pain. Love truly can wound. This is a very present and ongoing reality for me and I hope I can find ways to find joy and some fulfillment in life still as I’m so lonely😭

I was in tears listening to this. Finally I had an explanation for my feelings. I experienced ambiguous grief in about 2014. My precious husband began to have very paranoid attitudes toward different loved ones. He thought people were stealing from him, or trying to cheat us. He was developing Alzheimer’s, but I didn’t yet know it. We had purchased and remodeled my parents house and were within a few weeks of moving (in 2016) when he woke up one morning and had totally forgotten we were moving and most events in the past several years. The doctors diagnosed it as global amnesia and anticipated he would get his memory back in a few days. He didn’t. So I had to completely convince him why we had decided to move. He was unable to make any decisions and I was thrust unwillingly into becoming the decision maker, as well as balancing that with trying to honor his wishes. I had to make decisions we had always made together before. It was so difficult. Yes, I was grieving the relationship we used to have.

You’ve put words onto something I’ve been through many times and navigated through the best i could with what little understanding i had of what was happening. Leaves lots of guilt and other painful emotions in its wake. Thank you for your videos. ❤

Dear Jo, I can’t thank you enough for your videos. I can’t say for certain, but having a grief councillor such as yourself by my side to guide me as my partner grew sicker and sicker from cancer might have helped me face the inevitable at little bit better. I was sure I was suffering from depression, social workers and doctors did nothing, or even recognize what I was going through was already grief. Perhaps someday our health system will incorporate grief services at the beginning rather than at the end. Heart felt thanks for the impossibly difficult work that you do.

These videos are helping me SO much after losing my 36 year old daughter last month ❤

thank you, have just discovered this concept, and has been really helpful. thank you for post.

I have experienced this loss with my father and my mother in-law. Now my husband has passed and his mother has advanced dementia.

I had no idea how much ambiguous grief I had experienced before actually losing my husband, son and mother. No wonder I am struggling after the deaths of my husband and son.

I experienced this grief with my fur baby before she died. She didn’t want to come hang out in my home office like she used to the last year of her life. She wanted to rest more. It made me so sad because that was special time we used to share. She found a new place by the front door to rest. I knew it was part of the end of life process and it still saddened me. This was one of many things that changed. I knew I had to get used to her love being expressed differently. I know you recommend therapy, but the therapist I had didn’t really acknowledge the grief I had with the changes in my fur baby and didn’t honor my grief that well when she died. So I’m relying on other support instead. I appreciate your compassionate videos. They are very validating and insightful.

Thank you for your most informative presention on this very complex topic! I have viewed it in preperation for a presentation to a "Persons With Parkisons" Support Group in which there are both care partners and the person dealing with the disease. (Always challenging to adequately address the needs of both). While the focus is often on the caregiver/partner and the losses they are experiencing, it would be great to also address the specific experiences of the person dealing with the disease process that is robbing them of (everything eventually).

I feel stuck under a thousand boulders

Yes. You know it's hard enough to get a understanding and support in a regular situation when there is a death, but this kind of situation you really are doing n it on your own. I lost my parents ner b cause he is as not the person he pretended to be. 25 years and the mask slipped, what a shock what a loss. I simply cannot get over it because it is too weird. And no body understands at all.

Beautiful, thanks...❤

Thank you Jo for all your videos…I lost my husband 3 years ago and life is a struggle..I take your videos very seriously and I am accepting many situations and accepting each day as it comes thank you👍❤️🙏you are my daily grief guro love youxx

I would love to see a video about ambiguous loss for missing loved ones. The case where you don’t know if they are still alive and when to stop looking for them or how to hold the two opposites, still searching and holding hope and mourning while starting to grief. thanks so much for your videos 🤍

Thank you. This was so compassionate, informative, and helpful.

Thank you for this. The reason I subscribe to your channel is ambiguous grief. Our 26 yr old son has been struggling with drug addiction over the past 9 yrs and our relationship has completely changed. This has been incredibly painful in so many ways. The loss our relationship, and him as the bright, handsome, healthy person as he was. He is alive, yet we are grieving this loss daily. Our oldest son who is 34 married someone who has narcissism and she has slowly isolated him from all his close friends and family, including my husband and I. Our once close relationship gone. Now we have 2 small grandchildren we barely see and it has been almost unbearable. After many years of daily crying and trying just to get through a day, I finally started to go to a therapist about 3 yrs ago. She explained how we were dealing with grief, even though both our sons and grandchildren were alive. Counseling has helped me cope with this very difficult daily struggle, Your channel has helped too.

Thank you

Thank you for providing some definition and understanding to how I'm feeling around my mom's struggle with alcohol addiction.

This is beyond helpful. I have experienced this a few times at various times in my life. You have validated my feelings and made me realize that I am not crazy as I have been constantly told.

I am living in ambiguous grief. But it's due to estrangement. I would like to add looking into this over the years people with kidnapped loved ones have this too. I would describe AG as living between being hopeful and accepting no change. It's torture

I think everyone who has a loved one with Alz/dementia goes through this. It’s not spoken of enough. We named her dementia so when w3 got mad at certAin behavior we could sort of separate her from the disease.

I think you missed loss of a dream or expectation. This might mean loss of a career or academic program you wanted and reasonably expected to have (a high school injury means you'll never compete in college or in the pros or the olympics; you are dismissed from a doctoral program you dreamed of; girls are never allowed to do that). Or it might mean infertility (loss of the child you hoped, dreamed, and worked for but reach the point where you know that child will never come to be). Other people react very differently to these types of losses, often even scornfully. There is no ceremony or closure and often only short-term acceptance of your grief. Yet the impact on your life is just as devastating and just as long-lasting as with other types of grief. Support? Honor and acknowledge it, for one thing. Realize and accept it will be there forever and will hit you at both expected times and unexpected times. Learn to be friends with it. Stage a ceremony which reflects reality.

Also my family do not talk to me, there's no communication at all, I reach out, blank wall nothing.

My older sister's husband made her make me chose between them or my fiancé. Context: My fiancé, my sister, her ex, and my sisters husband were all in a friend group before I met my fiancé. the first problem was that my fiancé was best friends with my sisters ex. the second problem was that my sisters husband broke my fiancé boundaries which caused problems that could easily be solved and let go... Unfortunately, my sisters husband didn't want to fix things between them. When my sisters husband found out that I knew about what happened between them, he became distant and cold to me... Things slowly started turning upside down. he stopped hanging around me when i wanted to hang out with my sister... eventually, she stopped hanging out with me too. I kept on trying and trying to resolve issues... So did my fiancé. My faience and I talked about ways that we could try to help our relationship become better.... Still nothing happened. My older sister started spreading rumors and lies about my fiancé to my family now, even though the issue was between us. I stood up for myself and told my family the issue and how it made me feel. My family members hated how my sister and I were fighting and even said that we both need to try and figure it out... I told them that I did try and it hurt so much. It still hurts. I also was worried about how this would make my family feel... but i know that I cant control that. So I need to worry about how I can take care of myself while going through this.... Eventually, I got to a point where I started to think rationally over emotionally... You start to think to yourself, "Is this person really worth fighting for if they aren't willing to fight for you?" And I mean, really think about it. I realized that recently and it does help.

I need to listen

100% ❤

Losing one’s home, State, nation is a is a difficult grief… it IS THERE, but you cannot go back due to trauma, natural disasters, economic hardship, divorce etc. you lost entire surroundings and support systems and well as all familiarity

I would like to hear anything you have to say about sibling grief once they find a partner and family who do not share the same loving values with you that you once had with your sibling. This issue in my life is complicated by the fact that our parents are passed away. And I do not have my own partner, and I don’t think I will.

Thanks for this video. I know Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term Ambiguous Loss, not Ambiguous Grief. While going through an Ambiguous Loss in my own lived experience when my son was missing, my grief was frozen; society wanted to treat it as a traditional grief, they did not understand I could not grieve since I didn't know what I was grieving (may be alive, may be deceased). Pauline says this uncertain loss can become a Complicated Grief, but the ambiguity is in the loss, not the grief. While living in the ambiguous loss, I could not validate my loss until his partial remains were found, giving me the physical evidence I needed to end my "not knowing" loss. So, I don't understand the concept of Ambiguous Grief or who coined this experience. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks. Maureen Trask, Advocate for Families of the Missing.

My brother turned into a vegetable after overdosing and left behind, he’s still there but it feels like he’s gone

Oh can it be like I’m oh grieving my son who is 43 and murdered last year know this shit you’re talking about here would it be a like my sons son to my grandson is now my granddaughter after his father’s murder now we have lost him to the Statedue to untreated mental illnesses and he’s only 15 and he’s been taken from our family, so is this the kind of grief that you’re talking about

I dont really understand

My grown child has announced being transgender. If I grieve I must be transphobic, uneducated, overreacting. I don't even know how to describe this weird loss and there's nothing out there that feels right when I read it. Everything written about parents of trans children is geared toward the child's needs and all the ways a parent can mess up. I'm really confused. I'm selfish if I acknowledge how much this hurts me bc my child has obviously gone through hell for years.There's some similarity between this grief and my friend's suicide, but I can't really explain it. All I know is that I'm afraid to say anything for fear of hurting my child or being judged.