How bizarre! OP is definitely NTA. She was being polite, and really appreciated the food and wanted to voice her thanks. It's not normal to eat dinner in complete fucking silence, and it was made even weirder by the boyfriend stating that that is NOT how every dinner goes! How was she supposed to know that this was going to be a silent meal when nobody warned her? She was totally justified in feeling uncomfortable and walking out. What a weird custom to have, especially when, as the boyfriend stated, it's not something they stick to for every dinner...
Crazy, until I heard this story I never realized that I was raised like that by my dad, we weren't allowed to speak, couldn't eat loudly, couldn't put our elbows on the table and had to finish everything on our plate. If we spoke or ate loud we'd get slapped on the mouth and this happened in public too.
😟 oh jfc. I'm so sorry. Considering how rare it is nowadays to actually sit at a dinner table with family, like... this is a place of connection. People usually discuss their days and important matters over dinner. If it's going to be quiet at least play some music or something 😂 but genuinely, I'm sorry you were raised that way
@brookewilson1950 as a kid my dad never asked how our day was. A lot of things he did wasnt right but It's crazy cause I never realized how impactful it was until now or never really realized that there was anything wrong
Not Swedish but a Finn here; so about not feeding children… 1. After school children “roam free” around the neighbourhood, visit their friends by themselves and so on. Offering snacks to friends is ok. 2. Dinner time is little different in each family but the kids have to go home to eat with their own family- because it’s considered family quality time. 3. Because most of the families prepare food for dinner it’s considered rude to ignore the child’s parents efforts and feed a child. You can always call them and ask but normally kids just leave to go home. 4. If the parents agree that the child eats dinner in friends place, the guest is invited to eat and connect with the family.
In the Netherlands, kids are sent home at dinner time as well and it's just an after school visit. It's seen as informal babysitting until the parents get home from work as some work a bit later than others. Kids will often congregate at one house per group. But if the parents have discussed where the child eats on a set day, then that's fine. My parents weren't like this, in my culture we just offered everyone food so no one goes without regardless and in return your child gets fed by default if they visit a friend's house also. But a pickup/leaving time is always discussed amongst parents.
I would laugh out ouf stress... but as a guest, I would be really sad... is not ok being rude, they could just explain that this is how they do meals. Not tell her to shut up in a passive agressive way.
if he wouldve told before going to dinner, most ppl would just go along with it and respect their wishes. This wasnt fair to her. But the dad is a bit off, he's giving major AH vibes. You dont shush other ppl ever, that's so rude.
I laughed wayyyy too hard at this silliness! The awkward silence would have made me burst out in laughter too… not to be rude but because it’s so damn uncomfortable and someone’s gotta break the tension lol
Norwegian here and the dinner thing is definetly true. Kids will quietly try to reason with their parents ("X came with me after school they need food if theyre gonna leave at 9 thats five hours") and its so awkward. A tradition that will die with me tbh
I think as a parent you would tell your child to be home before dinner time. That way the child isn't put in that position to leave at dinner time from a friend's house. Of course I'm not letting my child go to someone's house after school. You don't know what the other friends' family might be like.
So if your friends parents knew their child was going to come to your home after school and stay until 9, would it be weird for your friends parents to pack them a dinner meal?
When I was a kid we weren’t allowed to talk at the dinner table 😂😂 it was just the kids in my family though, my parents would talk, but my dad thought we got too rowdy so we were only allowed to talk unless they asked us a question…in hindsight that was pretty weird 😂😂 we weren’t conservative christians fwiw, but it was a stricter military household
Thats the old "dont speak unless spoken to" i can see also why that gives parents time to talk without kids interrupting..theres a time and place plus kids mouth full of food talkin...nah lol
As a Swede I were always offered food when I was over at their place when they had dinner. However it wasn't odd if you weren't allowed to come over until after they had had dinner, or that you had to leave before they had dinner.
@@noprogressionisregression6854 honestly I think it's from an economical viewpoint. So families with a tight budget doesn't feel obligated to feed other peoples children. It might also have a bit to do with the way we look at independence, in sweden it's very important that you allow people to take care of themselves which includes taking care of your own children. That's my speculations but I'm honestly not completely sure, it's just something normal here. Same would you drop something and a swede bends down and says "let me help you" and you say "no it's fine" as a courtesy they will drop it and walk away. Some of the younger generation might ask if you're sure but that's it. We're very strict in how much you can interfere in other peoples life's
When I was young, we weren't aloud to talk at the dinner table. We had to sit correctly, not make any sound with our food, not eat with our mouth open etc. When I went to my friends place I realised that's not how everyone lives. 😂 My dad was pretty strict about manners, it changed as we got older.
I think the family is either VERY controlling or VERY stupid. Could be that is what grandparents did when the parents were young, and could be that they were very rowdy as children, so they enforced the rule of no speaking at all just so they would shut up for one period of the day!! Then now it’s just being passed on from their generation to the next. I don’t think I would want to see them very often either as their son!!!!!
It's definitely something one should mention before inviting anyone home for dinner. Hard to believe that he has never eaten with anyone else than his family before, and knows that their " tradition " is one not so commonly known...
Swedish here: yes I guess it’s true. It’s more common for the my parents to say no to eating there and then the other parents reinforce it. I do have vivid memories of this and it was always nerve wracking asking if you’re allowed to stay for dinner as the answer is 50/50 what is could be (Btw, Finland is not in Scandinavia)
Hai, Swede here, first of all, this story could definitely have happened in Sweden, phrase being, “låt maten tysta munnen”, in English, “let the food silence the mouth”. Secondly, I never experienced not being invited to dinner at a friends place, I did have friends being confused that they were automatically invited for dinner when they were over.
I’ve never heard of a Christian being silent at the dinner table. I’m a Christian. I also laugh uncontrollably when I get very uncomfortable. It’s like my bodies way of calming down.
That sounds like psychotic behavior. I’d be scared to stay because I’d feel like I was the first victim in a horror movie…. Edit: So not every dinner is like that? So is it just when his dad is grumpy and wants complete silence or is it a power trip he gets and he wanted to make sure his son’s girlfriend “knew her place”? Like wtf?!
OP is definitely TA - she should've shushed the parents when they were telling her off (this is a joke). The family is off, OP should delve into this more with her bf if she's serious about him because I'm sure more weird stuff is gonna come out about them
6:30 I'm sorry, but Hannah is me! Even when she tried to you tried to make it digestible, you know this is an unserious statement. I'd be laughing in the fathers/mom face from awkwardness too 🤣🤣
Growing up in India, one of mg memories is of my maternal uncle, who had this no talking while eating rule. Everyone would go silent as soon as he walked in at other times as well. He was like the party pooper and drain for all things fun. So my aunt would serve him food first and we would all stay away. And he would leave (probably to go sulk in his room) and then we would all get food! He never smiled! 😂😂😂
I'm very... particular lol but I don't like people talking to me while I eat. However, I do not eat in silence, because I live alone I enjoy eating while watching a youtube video or some tv show. Even back then when I used to live with my mother, I used to be like "please don't talk to me while I'm eating". Because I really zone out during meals and it helps me to relax in a way, idk how to explain it. As I said, I'm peculiar, or annoying haha but my point is that I always let people around me know before hand that I do that. When I go out for dinner with a group of friends they chat to each other while im in another galaxy, until I finish my plate and then I join the convo lol but they know. And the bf should have told her that they have a tradition or something.
@@jupitersnoot4915 we're individuals, what might seem "weird" to you maybe is normal to me and vice-versa. And there's nothing wrong with being different. Communication is the key and being respectful of one another.
It’s also Christian to be charitable, hospitable, kind, patient and long suffering. Would they do this to a pastor? They are not Christian, just religious people who cherry pick what they follow.
Not the asshole. This gal is NOT a member of their family and expecting someone to conform to your familial customs just because you’re visiting, is a huge red flag. And if it IS that big of a deal, truly, there should have absolutely been a warning about that custom for their visit as being something to respect. Going in blind feels cruel to the guest.
I watch all y'all's podcasts, love ya! Just wanna drop that the word you're thinking of when you say "I'd laugh out of uncomfortablity" can be better said "I'd laugh out of discomfort" 😂 uncomfortablity is one of those THT inventions hehe. All love it makes me giggle
The parents were rude and disrespectful to their dinner guest. Kind and considerate people would show patience to a first time visitor to their home. The BF actually set all of them up for failure. If the OP came to their home multiple times for dinner and did not follow the family's ways, then she would be rude. I would have left as well. Also, I would be rethinking my relationship with the BF
I hope OP took this as a sign to keep it moving. What other crazy sh!t will she have to put up with. What other crazy stuff will the boyfriend spring on her. I for one don't like surprises so if it were me. I would have remained quiet for the remainder of the visit. Then just not visited the crazy house ever again.
I get nervous so I would have laughed. Boyfriend should have warned her but then says ‘not every meal is like that’ So his parents did this on purpose? Not the asshole for leaving. If I went to meet someone for the first time and they pulled socially enforced obedience out of a hat? And when I was startled Told me to Eat in the Kitchen? I would have left the house and the boyfriend.
Swedish here and can confirm, but its not as strict as people make it out to be and usually its because its assumed that the kid will go home and eat with their family a bit later. So like if the person you where at had dinner earlier then you usually did, then yeah you would wait and go home and eat dinner at your place. If you wanted to eat dinner at the friends then you usually could but you had to call home first and ask if it was okay and then ask the host if it was okay. It is very much a "be respectful to the kids parents" kind of thing so don't feed the guest (as in dinner, snacks was usually expected on the other hand) if the parent was preparing dinner at home. This was also before cell phones and texting, so it wasn't as easy to just ask your parents. They needed to be home and be able to pick up the phone. So sometimes it was just easier to not deal with that... also a good excuse if you where the guest and didn't like the food that the other parents where making ;)
My great grandfather was the same apparently he wanted no one to talk during dinner, Not exactly sure why but I would’ve been kicked out from laughing out of awkwardness 😂💀
Some Swedish ppl does that but all i know invite guest to eat after asking their gaurdians first. Some does shit like that because they dont want to pay for others kids or passive aggresive move to point out to their kid that they dont like their kid friends. Lol most that share and invite to dinner has dual heratige where food is a culture they share with friends and fam
No, it’s not because we don’t want to pay for someone but because their own family has prepared and paid for the food they are having in their own home that day. It’s considered rude to feed one’s child before checking their parents. Also the dinner time is the most important daily family time so feeding someone’s child is stealing from their family the time of connection with each other
I'm swedish. Usually we go home about the time the friends' family is about to eat dinner, because that is usually the time our parents want us home. Sometimes you're offered lunch, but it's not a given. When I was little, unless I knew I would be offered food I would go home to not end up in the awkward situation "am I invited to eat?". However, in my family we always offer my friends to eat with us, and I will be doing the same with my kid's friends, because honestly I think it's pretty rude not to offer food to guests.
The Swedish thing is so real. I'm from Norway and it's a norm here to. Or it happed to me multiple times as a kid. I would be at a friend's house and the parents or my friend would tell me to stay in the room and wait for them to finish dinner and she would come back and play. They all acted like it was normal while I went hungry and obviously ate when I got home. At some point i thought it was a crule/trying not be be rude way of telling me to go home so I would go home, Butmy friend always got mad that I couldn't wait for her to finish eating. I was so confused. My mom didn't like me going to white people houses so when I told her she would say that's what I get for going the their house.
Although your boyfriend should have warned you, I would have taken the hint and not said a word unless someone else did. Then I would have taken it up with my boyfriend after the fact. To laugh at the table was disrespectful and immature no matter who weird or rude felt they were being. That being said, I think everyone is at fault for the wat this all went down.
Everyone but o p is the ah. Are we not adults here? Somebody doesn't have the right to tell me that i'm not allowed to talk. They can request it, but they don't have the right to shush and treat you like a baby. It's all about the parents controlling, it has nothing to do with quiet.
I thought be "quiet with food in your mouth. " means that the food is so good that everyone is too busy eating to talk. In the south, theres a phrase: you know the food is good when everyone is quiet.
Off topic but in regard the the brief story mentioned at the end, I think it’s weird to go in to someone’s refrigerator without asking. I could never just walk into someone’s kitchen and take something out of the fridge. It’s considered very rude in my culture.
The thing in Sweden is true in some families. Not true in mine. My parents always invited our friends to join us at dinner but I have been the child waiting in my friend's room while they had dinner. Dinner is a time to bond and talk about your day.
Common guys, you're looking for every reason to give this person a break. I agree, the boyfriend should have explained the situation. However, we do know that he made her aware of how religious his family is. Maybe this is just a fling for her and she doesn't see any long term commitment. I certainly would want to know if it is something I can live with or coexist with in a marriage. Anyway, she was at least aware of the custom although she relates to it in a vastly different way. This was also the first visit to meet the parent of your partner. Regardless of how strange things are we should all respect a family tradition when in their house and at their table. I find it concerning that an adult cannot hold it together for an hour long meal. This is not like the parents required her to participate in some religious ritual that she was opposed to. All she had to do was not talk. I hear people pay a lot of money to do just that while they stretch on mats on a floor. nobody is an A-hole but she was rude.
That situation could have been avoided by them explaining their rules in a more direct manner instead of doing it in a way that would make her embarrassed
I’m so scared of people these days. 😂😂 I would’ve laughed out of awkwardness and literally left too. Edit: I would be concerned about visiting again and frankly this would be a huge red flag for continuing the relationship
I think she’s rude because it’s the first time meeting!! Yes it’s weird but we gotta respect tradition. Maybe not the asshole?? BUT HE SHOULD HAVE WARNED HER LIKE WTF
We don't have to respect s***If traditions are stupid, they need to be called out. Why the f*** do they eat in silence? That's literally something a psychopath would do.
I don’t think you’re the asshole.. I personally just don’t talk at dinner with other people unless someone speaks to me. If I like the food I wait until I finish eating to say something. I just always thought that was a sign of respect.
Well it’s not hard to read the room yk? My family and I eat in silence bc we just want to enjoy our food. I get culture is a completely different thing, but pls read the room..
I mean yea ridiculous but when they shush u take the hint....sheesh and then you laughed...whats funny about eating and not talking? Especially soup...she sounds dumb too tbh and the bf shoulda warned her too. Leaving in middle was rude but also can see why but then id expect relationships OVER.
That sounds like conformity though… just because someone tells you to do something doesn’t mean you have to. It didn’t seem like she completely understood what was happening and then when he tried to dismiss her to the kitchen alone she just left instead. This is a very weird dynamic and I wouldn’t be okay with finishing my meal after this. She doesn’t sound dumb she sounded confused as most people would be in this very awkward scenario she had no heads up for.
@@srkh8966 she’s not an idiot for not catching on, they should’ve explained clearly from the beginning. You can’t get upset when you don’t communicate in plain English. Furthermore they could have a custom of smoking cigars and sniffing snow, that doesn’t mean you do it just because you’re in someone else’s home. she has every right to excuse herself after they made it clear she wasn’t welcomed to eat with them.
@@srkh8966look if I didnt know and no one told me(big difference) I would have assume hey I can be friendly but if it's very quiet it get super awkward and yes I do laugh because of how awkward it is and I didn't mean to. I'm sorry that's all on the BF on this not the OP
It's true that most families in Sweden don't invite their kid's friends to dinner or even their own friends. The friend (who lives in the house) has to ask the parent/parents/person cooking before they cook the dinner so that they prepare enough food for all the people invited. Swedes usually just cook enough food for the assumed people. It's also rude to assume that you're invited to the dinner, the family might be having a hard time with money and your invite/dine can strain the economy of the family. So you never assume that you are invited. Unknown allergies are also a cause, and the family to invite usually needs to know this beforehand, and if you are little they have to call your parents and so on. It's so common we don't think it's rude! :)
