#AITA 

My parents had lost my brother to system failure (happened while in his sleep) and while they do tend to mention and talk about him from time to time, it's not as much as those parents, and they defenetly ain't going to ask me to name my first boy after my dead brother (tho they probably going to be very emotional if I did)

My husband was 20 when his sister died at 19. His dad was consumed by his grief for the rest of his life. When we got married (my husband was 36) his dad told him he couldn't be happy because he will never walk his daughter down the aisle and when we had our child, his dad told me it wasn't a celebration because his daughter will never be a parent. Those are just two examples but there are more. I hated his dad for what he put my husband through.

Wait you mean her ‘dead’ sister

❤​@@HarmonyOC

Whats OP?

Why

​@@Snowcat-qj6glthey will think the baby is the daughter that's why

​@@Rosyhyacinthworse yet , they'll be reminding the child who she was named after,her whole life

Name your baby Winter.

@@julieblair168why did that make me laugh 😭😭😭

What

It’s the same guy .

Fr, like it would make more sense if summer had actually grown up and sort of knew him but no. It’s really weird that he cares so much about it.

@@joselynrodriguez921it’s the same dad though?

@@user-vb6ng7jz9h What are you on about? We’re talking about how OP’s husband is also on board with naming the child after the dead sister that he never met or knew about until after he met his wife. So there’s no reason for him to be so adamant about naming her after the sister.

Right? It's enough that OP had to live in Summer's shadow, her daughter shouldn't be the next one

👏👏👏👏👏👍😎🌈🐕

As a transman who was originally named after my mum's stillborn sister yes. Even if I wasn't trans I would've changed my name because from the moment I could think it didn't feel like my name. Ik mum didn't mean any harm with her naming me as like that but man it felt so off to me and confusing

I agree , they should not expect or pressure their alive daughter to have the name Summer and should not start treating her as replacement daughter after neglecting her and being awful parents to her. As for the "name a pet dog Summer" thing , that would feel disrespectful to Summer's memory to me but might be ok to name a beloved cat Summer. idk , to me it just wouldn't feel right to name a dog Summer no matter how much a beloved member of the family the dog might become & imo , it's just sick to name another child Summer and neglect them or treat them as a replacement , they shouldn't make every thing about their deceased daughter no matter how much they are hurting....it's very sad but very also messed up and unhealthy for them to want to mention Summer all the time , especially if / when people are asking about the living daughter not their deceased daughter.

Why I had a stern rule when I became pregnant. I told all no family names because my mother is very jealous of my husband's family and hates my dad's family. Everyone was a little hurt but understood. Our oldest son was the 1st to not have William as their middle name in many generations. When she came to terms that I was not going to name them after anyone in the family then she wanted it to be a name she picked. When I said my husband and I would pick it she was again fussy. When I told her what we decided the grilling started. She wanted to know exactly why to make sure no one influenced it. Where we heard it, what it meant, background, everything! The thing she wanted most was bragging rights to the name so she felt she was better than the rest of all of our joined families. If I had done a family name not in her family I would have never heard the end of it. I had no choice but to set the rule.

Respect the daughter that’s alive as much as you respect the daughter that’s deceased. Don’t make your grief ruin your child 😕

Exactly! Even the fact that the child will probably feel the same way as OP did with the distress of being in the shadow of someone else that neither of them knew. That child would probably feel like her grandparents are more her parents than her actual ones, which would make both her parents upset and uncomfortable. If that happened, husband could place blame upon OP and that is terrible considering he’d be making himself a hypocrite AND refusing to take any responsibility of the consequences himself. Summer is a gorgeous name, but for the OP, it’s up to her and she is allowed to take her daughter and give her a better one.

I'm going to be honest it's even more insulting because a 5 weeks baby barely has a personality or a legacy in the family. This would be less upsetting if the child who died was much older and developed a personality. Just imagine being in the shadow of a still kind of potential person that has no desires past naps, feeding, and diaper changes.

1 : op doesn't have anything to do with summers death 2 : the baby should not get the name summer if both the parents don't agree with it 3 : the parents of op don't have any say in naming the child 4 : their practically using summers death to get op to change his/her mind in what the child's name should be 5 : and if the baby got the name summer they are just gonna be like making the sister the centre of attention

​@@arhanchayan9335 1) Don't forget that the parents are mentally ill and need therapy and to never see that child. 2) The husband has me seriously worried as to why he would want to name his kid the same as a dead kid neither parent has every met and is not even from his family over continuing protecting his wife and child from abuse. Because that little girl is going to be abused for sure by those 3 nut jobs.

Thank you for posting the whole story!

The fact that the husband won't support OP is a big red flag to me.

WTF did I just read. What horrible peole, it seems the parents only had one daughter and it wasn't OP. OP should just go no contact with them, divorce the husband and go live her life with her baby girl.

ALL of your older siblings were born before you? Nice to hear that everything is in order in that regard

Everyone handles grief differently and it's clear in your case that it was handled well as far as one can tell based on a short comment. It's never about forgetting the dead to start with but to remember them in a way that their memories won't only cause misery but still bring joy and comfort regarding the time spent together. Of course there will always be some sadness and grief around. But it needs to have its own space and the living can't be treated worse because of it. It's good that this didn't happen in your case it seems but it's clear the parents in the story need professional help. Not everyone does, but they definitely do. Because it's not healthy to include an absent person in every conversation when the topic isn't about them. It's not right to ignore the needs of any other children either, no matter what. Considering this didn't just happen recently either to excuse this with an understandable period of mourning but a really long time ago, they need help. The granddaughter cannot become a substitute to be burdened with the expectations and the image of a different child that tragically passed away instead of their own self in front of their grandparents. And the husband seriously needs to consider his wife's stance more as well. The fact alone that her parents accused her of asking to forget the dead sister just because she wanted the graduation celebration to be about her friends and herself and not have the celebration dampened by the awkwardness of a friend's parents continuously and openly mourning a child that passed away over 18 year ago speaks volumes. Graduation is a special occasion for most and unless it's a healthy comment, which it would have never been considering the child died at only 5 weeks old and never knew her sister, no one would benefit from the dead sister being mentioned nor would anyone forget her by simply giving the people who are celebrating their time to shine. If they believe it means to forget the death of their daughter to just allow themselves and their other daughtee to be happy, then they truly require intense counseling. Probably for a longer time too considering how long this has been going on. Parents who are at least processing grief will know that their living children always need to be themselves and are just as important. And that their needs are even more important because no one will be forgotten by simply meeting needs. Happiness and affection belong to those needs. No one really forgets close family members who passed away but thinking about them this often to the point of needing to talk about how old they would be this often is a cry for help and extremely unhealthy for everyone. It is not a shame to not be thinking about them 24/7 after a while. I also don't think about living family members 24/7, it doesn't mean I've forgotten them or anyone else who is important either, be it dead or alive. But it's called moving on and living life to know they are important family and will always be but that they also can't be the main topic every second of the day. Your parents understood this. They seemingly don't make him part of everything before anyone else either. He will always be part of the family but just like in any healthy family, no single family member should be the sole subject of every conversation. He will naturally come up and that is good and healthy. It shouldn't be avoided either. But it's always a relief when affection is distributed equally among the children to ensure they don't feel like an afterthought. Otherwise the parents would be on the verge of losing their living children on an emotional basis just because they cannot process their grief and will not seek help. The dead should not be more important than the living. They will never be forgotten and will always be part of the family and even conversations but just not always.

My Mom gave birth to a premature baby girl and held her for two beautiful hours before she passed in her arms. They buried her next to my grandma I never got to meet. She immediately (yet not on purpose) got pregnant again with me. I was to have the same due date as my sister Jessica, but stubbornly stayed inside my Mom for two extra weeks. She said I’d come when I was nice and baked! 😂 My Mom never treated me as if she didn’t want me and we have an amazing relationship as adults. As a matter of fact, I mourn my sister I never met more than she does. When I think about her I feel this hole inside of me like I’m missing out on something that should’ve been. However, if she would’ve went to term, I’d never be here so it’s almost like she died for me and, for that, I’ll always be grateful.❤

What's sad is that the husband is fighting hard against his wife and siding with her parents.

No the Og post but I admire your opinion Like I admire anyone with common sense

Funny this is defiantly from someone who hasn’t held there dead child in there arms, you have no idea what it is like… my daughter died 18yrs ago and it’s still heartbreaking all the family talk about her. I’d never exspect my other children to use her name though I don’t like that..

@@hiamelshazly862 Thank you, the loss of a child is a scar that never heals. But we must move on and live fully for the sake of our lost Lil Angles.

This comment is stating facts, I totally agree with it.

​@@michelleanemilyyes the pain of losing a loved one never goes away. But that does NOT excuse any person to make a child's life miserable, even as a child she could tell she was not recognized as their new daughter and not receiving the love she needed, yes don't forget the past people but don't ignore your only child in favor of the one who died or you will lose both.

I don’t think their horrible parents, they just never learned how to healthily managed their grief.

Not horrible but unfair It’s clear they couldn’t manage their grief they were suffering to However She had no intention of hurting them but simply wanted parents who loved her in the end everyone lost

@@doodlesandnoodles3631 yes, but in times of grief parents should be strong for they're kids. Not shove them to the side. It's been years. They should be grateful for the kid that did survive

@@cyanbirdsstory4717 Some people don’t know how to handle grief healthily and require therapy to help them, in this case they needed therapy but never received it.

@@bluedragonflyfaith yes. I agree. But not properly taking care of the kid that has not passed is horrible. Not having your parents love and affection is horrible. Regardless of what happened.

You are the MVP! 🏆 Thank you!

Poor girl. They all need therapy and they need to let Summer rest in peace.

Her husband seems not to understand the full extent of her parents' unhealthy obsession and just thinks it would be a harmless way to give everyone the warm and fuzzies. But he HAS to listen and trust his wife on this. They made her cry, and he tells HER she was cruel because of her wording? They need a serious talk.

@@jonquilgemstoneI have to wonder if husband was bribed with promises of money or something to name the child that.

If this is a real story and non some made up shit then her parents and husband sound deranged and she’s living in a loony bin. I feel sorry for her. My grandparents lost their 15 year old son and they never talk about it or make it into a thing. They do talk about him and go to his grave on his birthday but that’s it. The obsession the parents have with their deceased INFANT is VERY manic and crazy. It’s not even like the kid died when it was older and they knew it the kid died at 5 weeks. It’s sad and tragic but the way they act over it is really obsessive. The husband is even weirder though, like why does he even give a shit about this situation? Why isn’t he supporting his wife? He’s the strangest one of all.

I agree if OP names her daughter Summer, the grandparents will hold her to impossible standards like “your Aunt Summer this, Aunt Summer that” this baby girl will HATE her name by the time she’s a adult if not as a teen who will want to go by her middle name if she’s given one, and probably become hostile towards family members who compare her to her aunt or use phrases like “Your Aunt Summer would have done _______ this way/ better/ whatever.” Baby girl will never be able to be her own person she will be forced into the role of the “inferior Summer”

That’s all I can think of, they already don’t shut up about summer, imagine them having an actual reason to bring her up

In this case, it seems like OP's parents have never seen her as a whole, living person. She only exists for them as a replacement who can never measure up.