Alternative Cuss Words - Tim Hawkins 

One time, I accidentally stepped on my friend's mother's foot while I was wearing boots and she screamed, "GOD BLESS AMERICA" instead of cursing and to this day, that is one of the best alternative curses I've heard.

I have one friend who is really a spitfire, she likes to use Tim Hawkins Cristian cuss words. A guy bumped into her and knocked her over recently and instead of cussing at him she yelled "WHAT THE BLEEP!! WATCH IT YOU SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT!! " I could hardly contain my laughter when the guy turned around and said, " oh! You like Tim Hawkins too!" And he walked away.

Does anyone else think it's even more funny when he laughs at his own jokes? LOL

Having grown up Baptist, "Son of a Baptist Preacher" got me. XD

My one friend, when he is angry; while he never cusses, he lets everyone know. He screams "*PROFANITY*" at the top of his lungs. Makes everyone laugh so hard.

After being in labor for 29 hours I let out a “good gravy!” And everyone in the room started cracking up.

you can really hear the country boy come out when he says " H E double hockey sticks"

I asked my friend how to stop cussing, and she sent me the link to this video...I regret nothing

So....why isn't he more popular? You don't need to be all sexual and explicit to be funny! This guy is proof!

"Jeepers" - Scooby Doo anyone? We were already being taught alternate cuss words in childhood shows.

When my daughter was having her fractured arm set she kept saying things like “fart nuggets” and “cheesy pizza” and I swear I have never gotten so many strange looks from a doctor.

I remember returning as an adult to my childhood church one Christmas, and I was standing towards the back of the sanctuary near by the table where they collected the christmas cards to exchange, and one of the sweet little old ladies that was just as sweet and little and old as I remembered her, came into the sanctuary took one look at the christmas cards, opened her mouth and I could not believe the words that came out of her mouth... "Ah Cranberries" ... I stifled both a laugh, and a shocked expression.

"Who's got the crapola?? I need it to color my tree trunk!" Hahaha!!! 😂😂😂

"Son of a motherless goat" 😂

I’m eating Mac-n-cheese while watching this and I almost had to clean my screen a second time.

I was at Chick-fil-A with my mom, and someone zoomed passed her. She yelled “you actually have a stop sign DILWEED I say that all the time now. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

We also have "nincompoop," "what in tarnation?" and my friend made the word "conflabbit."

The first goats were motherless.

I don't know why I find the "Pat Sajak" one so funny. I've heard people use "Bob Saget" the inflection makes it really sound like a cuss word. But the "Pat Sajak?" LOL

When my husband is really angry: *"Son of a bean-dip, mother-FRITO."*

"Stop taking my crapola!"

They should have had cottonheadedninnymuggins

I love how he uses a NY accent when he says "hey who's got the crapola over here?" lol

My friend, brother, and I scream "AW TOOT" every time we see each other.😂

I've been trying to work on not cussing, so now when I get cut off in traffic I just yell out, "BLESS YOU!"

What happens when the son of a biscuit meets the son of a biscuit eater?

Once i got made at someone and just yelled "FOR THE LOVE OF VEGGIETALES" at them

Still one of my favorite bits. There actually is such a thing as a crud muffin, made with leftover ice cream, chocolate chips, marshmallows, and other sweet remnants you have laying around. I think I'll make some. Thanks for the idea.

I know someone who literally says "bad word" every time she wants to cuss.

I watched this while working in the kitchen..... my 10 year old son found me keeled over, wheezing with tears streaming from my eyes. He thought I was upset! I haven't laughed this hard in years. My stomach muscles are sore!😆🤣😆🤣

Where is “elderberry”? As in, “your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries?”

I work with children and one day I walked into a table and just yelled out: potato skins!!! Its the first thing that came into my head

For some reason he reminds me of Robin Williams

I lost it at fartknocker 😂😂😂

Was in the hospital having an outpatient procedure done, no anesthesia, in a triage area. There were curtained cubicles, no walls, knowing there were children there, I was trying very hard not to curse, what flew out of my mouth caused a wave of giggles, and I cannot live it down to this day..."Holy Banana Peels!"

A friend uses "turdbug" and "turdbucket" interchangeably. I closed a sharp folding knife on my thumb and started to shout something, but redirected when I realized my 12yo daughter was right there, and ended up shouting "SON OF A SEABISCUIT".

😂😂😂 we love this guy!!!! He is even funnier in person we laughed so hard it was hard to breathe!!! Thank God for Tim Hawkins Clean Christian Comedy🤗🤗🤗

I laughed so hard at these, I scared my dogs! They're looking at me like "What the Bob Barker is going on? Shut the front door!"

Nobody: The women in the front who's never heard a joke: HAHAHAHA

Couple things.... I love how Tim gets a kick out of himself and ALSO TIM DOESNT GET ENOUGH CREDIT FOR HIS VOICES!!!!!!!!!

Going to memorize these just so I can use them when I drive 😂

I want a ringtone of Hawkins saying toot so whenever someone I don't like texts me it's like, "aweeee toot!"

When my friend, who is a pastor, gets upset she says “pooty squabbles!”

Tim Hawkins is very funny, I met Him once after one of his comedy shows. It was awesome.

He forgot “Go forth and multiply!

No matter how many times I watch this, I can't stop laughing 😂

Don't forget the Southern swear that everyone knows is a swear but is always rendered with a smile: Bless your heart!

My dear sweet Mom didn’t cuss/curse, but she would say “God bless a milk cow” or “Fudge!” or “Dagnabit!” or “Shoot fire and save matches” 🤣

The one I used the most is, “WHAT IN THE HOLY JEHOVAH’S WITNESS!”

Who’s at the door daddy, oh some fartknocker tell him to go away😂

Imagine just using expletive *falls down the stairs* OH EXPLETIVE

"Well, dat burn it, paw!" .....Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza.

"shut the front door!" 'okay.' "I didn't even know it was open!" #bestoneyet

I have watched this over a dozen times, and it never gets old - LOL! This guy is hilarious.

My favorite Christian swear word as a kid was, "crud diddly moo moo" . Ahh, those were the good ol' days.

Confederate generals seem to work, too. For example, "What in the Sam Hill is going on in here?"

BOLSHEVIK! ... that was close.... *cracks up laughing*

Not gonna lie, most of these are in my vocabulary! (I totally grew up in the church)

You said "great googly-moogly" with a spot on George Carlin inflection, and I watched Robin Williams possess your soul when you said "Heavens to Betsy"... I'm dyin'!

I love starting my day with a good ol’ crud muffin and some orange juice

Tim is just the best. They say that there are actors who are triple threats, they can sing, dance and act. Well, Tim is a quadruple threat, he can sing, he can dance, he can act, and he can laugh at himself while he does it. Thanks, Tim.

Where did you guys put my crapola crayon?! I seriously needed that to color my tooting picture. Nice one you crud muffins. XD

My grandmother says, "Oh fig leaves!" ☺💕

"Tall glass of milk and a crud muffin, ain't no better way to start the day!"

son of a motherless goat, I'm dead 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😋😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

"Fartknocker!" Bad time to take a bite of my apple!

He actually reminds me of Robin Williams with his quick wit and love of his craft

I made a few myself: “Great clouds!” “Oh, for the love of mice!” “Holy cat!” “You little rat!” (I also use weasel) and my favorite from 6th grade: “That guy is such a Wexler.”

As a born again Christian who's trying to defeat the cursing demon this video really comes in handy. I know I can stop cursing, I just need to increase my vocabulary!!!

This is the cleanest try not to laugh video I’ve ever seen!! And the most helpful!!😂👍🏼🙏🏼

Blessings! I am writing for myself and the young man I work with (special needs). David my client came to see you in Edmonton and was allowed to meet you (thx for gas money offer, he made it home😁) Thank you on his behalf for the meet and greet. He mentioned watching you on Facebook , although this is true he also watches you on DVD as he owns most of your collection. In the last 500 or so weeks your name or your jokes have come up at least 500 times. Thank you for enriching our lives with your wacky sense of humor and ministry.😁✌️

Am I the only one who is laughing so hard but trying not to make any noise so people don't ask why I'm on the floor laughing? Just me? Ok

Always loved this clip

SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT THE WIFI'S OUT!

My favorite was "Shut the front door."

"Son of a motherless goat" gets me every time! I am still waiting for the perfect situation to say that to someone. As a Christian, I have been using alternative cuss words for over 45 years. My current go-to is "Poop on a Stick!"

You forgot one(from the elf movie) “I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins “

Your forgot the Mormon favorite. "Cheese and rice! " lol

This made me laugh so hard i started crying. Why isnt this guy more popular he is funnier than some comedians nowadays

My dad recently started saying, “What the bleep,” and I don’t know where he picked it up.

i used to tell my brother “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR” all the time when i was mad at him. my parents dont like it lets just say ive gotten grounded a lot in the past....

Another one to add to the list: Shia LaBeouf.

One of his best routines. Never fail to laugh when I watch it.

Holy flippin-flip-flop. I haven't laughed this hard in so long. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I was having such a tooty day. Now I'm laughing so hard I am crying.

“Kiss my grits” Me: dead lol

I've been trying not to curse anymore. I'll have to remember these.

I don't even call myself a Christian, and I LOVE Tim Hawkins! 😁😆🤣

Here’s a couple more: Son of a nutter butter Son of a preacher man

You and John Crist are my replacements for Jim Carey and Robin Williams. Love you guys.

My personal favorite: "Ah, nut bunnies!"

I used to hear "geezum crow!" and "G's and H's!" I have a friend that says "what the fudge!" I remember Rocket J. Squirrel's "Hokey Smokes" and Robin the Boy Wonder, who said "Holy" followed by words related to the situation (Holy plot twist, Batman!)

Fart Knocker is always gonna be my favorite :)

H-E double hockey sticks? BLIMEY COW!!! anyone?

"Bleep" got me and I thoroughly enjoyed this segment lol!

3:01 Did anyone else hear a guy yell WAAHOOO in the background after he said, “son of a motherless goat!”?

I do use these, much to the shock of my very vulgar co-workers.

My go to words: FOR THE LOVE OF CABBAGE!!!

Lol I had “what the fudge monkeys?”

Tim Hawkins has been apart of my childhood, so whenever I go back, and rewatch the videos, it makes me smile. All I have to say about it is thank you for being apart of my childhood.