Does unmasking ruin relationships? Do we clash? How do I balance my special interests with my partner? My non-autistic husband and I are answering some of your questions today! 💛 The Patreon Q&A is live now too, so if you want another 53 minutes of us rambling on, you can check that out here: www.patreon.com/posts/autism-and-part-98708669?Link& The other exclusive video for this month on there is me reacting to the most ridiculous stock footage I’ve found while editing. It was an interesting journey 😂 If you’re not sure what I’m talking about when I say Demand Avoidance and PDA, you might find this video helpful: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-1Uq1n8UQ3hc.html Oh and if you have no idea what I meant when I mentioned Squishmallows in the bath, you might want to check out this one: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-EdByHssKrgA.html Hope you have a good week ahead! See you soon 🥰
Mummy grew biology to function the same way across all life, The trick she uses is called oxytocin , when the brain releases oxytocin you are suddenly like a magnet to other magnets Full of oxytocin you just have to look at someone and you are attached to them With no oxytocin you are detached from them All normal people are permanently high on oxytocin because they release oxytocin whenever they touch another human , that's how she keeps them from separating from each other But Mummy has ordered us to DETACH and how mummy did this was to enlarge your Amygdala and that prevents you releasing oxytocin , therefore you are now emotionally detached from all other biology Its an ancient biological trick Mummy's biology can pull when mummy's biology believes she is going to die without oxytocin , with all the mental will and strength in the world you will always be pulling away from those that you love as a idea and concept in your imaginary brain (LEFT PFC) Utterly horrific like two magnets incorrectly aligned pushing each other away except Mummy also grew something that if we eat it , it reduces the Amygdala's size, allows us to FEEL a massive release of Oxytocin , as much as when a woman gives birth Whilst under the influences of this growth , then we can attach and FEEL love and belonging, once the magic wears of you are detached again and everything is a transitory idea not a feeling I have children and a family i eat the substance all day every day at tiny tiny "princess and the pea" amounts So they can FEEL how attached i am to them When I'm not under the influence of magic i run away from people as mummy told me to all those years ago when i was 2
Reading something completely shuts down my hearing, so in the middle of a conversation with my wife I’ll accidentally read something and have to say “sorry I looked at that cereal box in the pantry and didn’t hear the last thing you said”
YES! OMG it's when I read that people's voices go submarine mode. Thanks for that insight. I have that all the time. "sorry, I know you were saying something and I was listening but also somehow nothing registered, could you repeat that?" is a sentence I say at work a LOT
Happens to me too. I have a one-track path for word comprehension. If I am listening, I cant think, if I am tinking, cant listen, typing, reading, speaking... only one I can do at one instant. Cant handle two or more word comprehension tasks. I get along much better with people who arent offended by repeats/redundant communications.
I recently found out I'm probably autistic because I started dating my boyfriend, who's autistic as well. I felt so comfortable around him, turns out I've been unmasking without knowing around him for 8+ months because I subconsciously knew I could. Told him 'I think I may be autistic too' and he said 'yeah that feels on brand for you' 😂
I’m at university and haven’t made any friends whatsoever, it’s an absolute mystery to me how people are able to make friends. It seems like an impossible task, everyone hates me for no reason
Yes, I understand that also. I only have had a very few select friends since schooldays (I’m 60). I’m a metalhead, it’s one of my lifelong passions, but I’m rejected even by that community. It’s hard but it doesn’t stop my passion, it just restricts my need to talk about it, lol. I truly hope you find a few good friends and it makes your life a little easier, or maybe you’ll be happier alone. Best wishes 🙏☮️
The prospect of being alone for the rest of my life doesn't really cause me so much pain anymore. I just am what I am. And if I get surprised, I get surprised.
That’s good that you’re focused on being relaxed with dating. And honestly don’t be scared off by it, my partner is super chill with all my weird obsessions/special interests tg
@@futuristicgirl14 I'm not scared off by it. But I also do understand the reality of the lack of relatability that is common for someone who has a few extreme interests, and that being all. It's not fear, but an understanding that I have developed through experience and becoming older. Everything exists in scarcity. Even love. Even relatability. And not everyone experiences it because it is scarce. I think the best thing is not to overhype its importance. If you get stuff, you get stuff. If you don't, you don't.
I felt this way too until I had to recover from surgery alone twice in four months. I couldn’t even get myself out of bed in time to use the toilet. It was such a dark time for me. That’s when I realized I don’t think humans are designed to be all alone, but also I didn’t have enough in me to give another person in return to what I needed from them. 😢
@@barrystan3682 Do not underestimate the power one can weild through a life of singularity. Things used to hurt every day very much. And some days, it does hurt.
My wife basically dropped a "I think you may be on the spectrum" after about a month of dating. She's a very perceptive woman, and gives valuable insights into social interactions that I consistently miss out on. While I am excited at the propect of a vow of silence and can generally thrive in isolation, she is extremely talkative and socially driven and does not shy away from confrontation. Things aren't always easy, but I doubt any relationship is, and she's more than worth it.
@@karadiberlino Indeed, I really am! I've always been interested in human interaction and how we relate to each other, so having her as my social barometer has helped me understand a whole new level of meaning and understanding. It's very nice to have someone whisper "I think they want us to leave" when the only reason you're still around is to be polite. 🙂 Honestly, she amazing.
And also someone who can meet our support needs. I think that I could probably find a person with whom I could understand and who is ND but I feel like they would have a tough time meeting my support needs reliably. Someone who is very relaxed does help with that tho but I don't think it would be very easy to find someone on the spectrum who is relaxed.
@@mh6276I have an easy going bf who’s also most likely autistic. But not adhd. So that helps a little in that he’s good at getting me going when I’m taking forever. His meltdowns are far less frequent, as I think he just has less overwhelming stimulation than I do but thankfully I know how to handle them because I do the same thing lol. He doesn’t always know how to handle mine tbh but that is ok because sometimes they’re awful. It’s not on him if I blow up and am mean to him because my air conditioning isn’t working properly that’s on me lol.
My biggest problem being autistic in my relationship is that I get quite aggravated if my partner triggers my sensory issues (chewing, fidgeting, phone too loud etc) or spring plan changes on me. But I don't want to "be a bitch" and moan at him all the time to stop doing stuff that irritates me because it's not his fault or responsibility all the time. I end up repressing it until I can't take it anymore and ask him to stop and it comes out sounding really snappy and mean and I have to apologize. But nobody understands that I only say something like 5% of the time and the other 95% I just suffer internally and that's rly hard for me too. For the record, we've been dating for 3 years and have a great relationship but this is a struggle for me
Yes, this is so me!! I hold it in so often, but it still looks like I complain a lot 😂 I wear my headphones as often as I can to try and cope with it 😅
I screenshotted this and sent it to my husband because you put my feelings into words!! It doesn’t help that my complaints are usually things that a lot of women nag about like: Take out the trash it stinks, stop yelling at the game it’s too loud, the house is a mess etc because we can be seen as “nagging” in a sexist way when we are expressing our physical pain for a sensory issue. I am not trying to be sexist in any way, this is the best way I could put it. Another thing is my husband gets hurt when I say “you smell bad” or “you’re too loud” with a blunt/sassy tone. Which would be completely understandable if I was NT. Because it seems like I’m being mean to him PERSONALLY but I’m actually mad at only the sound or smell. This can get toxic REALLY fast so as we are learning about my autism we are correcting these behaviors and perceived rudeness to smooth things.
@@imautisticnowwhat that's exactly why i have given up on relationships for the time being - i found that the stress of being in a relationship causes me more trouble than good, just because of how much effort is involved in doing my best to not be a bit of an asshole
6:06 I'm not diagnosed so I don't actually know if I’m autistic. But this part of questionnaires or self diagnostic tools always confuses me because it's not a yes or no answer for me. It felt like we all had the same information but I'm the only one that learned anything. Whenever I would talk to people that weren't my friends or family it was like a hard disconnect. The basics of life that I was building around myself that were slowly covering my worldview just made sense and when I talked to others about it was like they didn't think about it. From an early age it was so bizarre for me to see the patterns and the solutions but it seemed like none of my peers or even the adults around me came close to getting near my analysis. I put so much work into understanding why things are the way they are yet it seemed no one else did.
When I got my autism assessment and diagnosis, I had trouble with the questionnaire. I felt that most questions weren’t specific enough, or needed better clarification, or depended on context. My therapist (who’s autistic too!) grinned when I complained about it- she said that it’s extremely common for autistic folks to struggle to answer the questions as written. We want more details, more specificity!
My husband also felt like family when we met, and we also look alike and people think we are siblings as well. In our vows, I wrote that he’s always felt like home.
The finding something you choose and are proud of to be the new reason why you are labeled "the weird kid" is really really relatable. I was usually "the artistic kid" and "the occultist", hid everything using either art projects or by being the living spiritual/ paranormal encyclopedia.
I have reached a point in my life, where I rather desperatly want to be in a relationship. But me being me, i am very aware, that it probably wont happen for a while. Which really hurts, because I see the allistic people in my life get into serious relationships, and move in with their partners, start planning for the future. And I still haven't ever been in a relationship. It gets very lonely. I will get over it at some point.
The allistics also have a lot of relationship problems. Its not perfect. I wouldnt over idealize it. I used to be like you. After some bad relationships im not willing to search for anything. I had a short "romantic career" from 28 to 34 years old. 😂
I'm in a very similar situation in my life! Everyone around me are settling down with partners, some are having kids and I've gotten as far as a couple of very failed dates... 6 years ago (: I'm probably gonna give it a go again, some day, since I'd really like to find someone to go through life with, but doing it rn is out of the question or even impossible b/c severe burnout ☠️
@@etcwhatever I've called off the search, too - I dated on and off, mostly off, from about the age of 11/12 to 33. Most of my relationships lasted about 3 months - the longest was 10 months long distance. I still miss that guy sometimes, but he was literally the only boyfriend I've had who made me feel special and worthwhile as a human being. Pity he was my second real bf, and not the last, otherwise things might have turned out different. I'm 40 now and while I still have the odd romantic fantasy in my head, I'm much more functional and less stressed being single.
What was surprising to me is, that I met my partner only a few weeks after I just accepted that I won't ever find a girl that wants to be with me or I with her. We have been together for 24 years now. I only found out about my Autism a year ago.
You both come across as extremely kind, compassionate, and understanding (with a willingness to understand even more if needed). I think these aspects are a testament to y'all's relationship ❤️
Not sure how unique my experience is here, but I though I'd give my two cents. Both me and my ex are autistic. We were together for nine years, and even though we still like each other as friends, we broke up once we realised we were only a couple because the people around us expected us to be a couple. We once sat down and talked about how much less stressed we felt back when we could have our lives to ourselves, and we didn't actually understand the end goal of this relationship. Living together would also just cause our daily routines and individual goals to clash way too often. Now, as friends, we have a much better time since we both share a special interest.
My boyfriend and I don't live together and we have been together for 13 years. Other people don't understand it. For a long time they asked us when we would get married but eventually they gave up on that.
Hey Meg, you're my go to when im feeling a bit down. You're helping me immensely in my self discovery journey as an autistic woman wrestling with the diagnosis process.
When someone's trying to talk to me while the waters running the dog is barking, the kid outdoors is screaming, and a car alarm is going off. All I hear them say is wawawawawa. Like the adults in Charlie Brown.
I love listening to your stories in both sides, and i am autistic too, i never was in school but, i had and still struggling too find friends, because people think i am weird and bizarre, they also think i take drugs. I feel lonely and sad, i tried everything but people dont want nothing do to with me. But i will move to s different places and i hope my struggling ends😊
Man, the absolute audacity to equate being different to taking substances is insane. I doubt these people even know what autism is... I learnt that it isn't worth spending time or energy on people like these, and to be frank, quality is way more important than quantity. When it comes to friends, what matters is that they are accepting of you and can support you in your journey. Eventually you will find the right people! It may be a little difficult to find friends around you, it's definitely much easier on the internet. But there will always be people out there that want to be your friend!
I understand why someone would think that masking is lying but I think they are mistaking it for what narcissists and sociopaths do. My mother was a narcissist and she could change from one emotion to another in an instant. She would smile and be a wonderful person and then the person would turn away and the mask would disappear. The smile turned into a sneer. I can’t do that. I have to be in a safe space, usually behind closed doors, to unmask. I also can’t instantly remask once I drop it, which my mother could do. It was like turning a light on and off with her.
Narcs and sociopaths, etc have a component of malice to their lying. I feel like autistic masking is more of a white lie because it's coming from a place of self preservation while trying to meet people where they are - it's arguably a very sociable act. Crucially there's no malice present in it.
@@azloii9781 the narc I was with knew what she was doing, knew all the right words to hurt and was clever enough to be covert about it around others apart from her son, who lived with us. She would be quite cutting with him also. I’ll never understand either but I know what they are like. Hope you haven’t experienced one
About monotropism: I used to be able to concentrate with more things going on: kids playing, television, people walking past my desk at work. Now I can't, and I don't know if its because of old age or because of a concussion I had in an auto accident. I can't seem to get blissfully lost in what I'm doing any more, which is sad. Maybe it's anxiety. The two of you are completely charming together and, Meg, I find your videos among the most helpful at understanding autism. (I am 76 and was diagnosed in December 2023. I'm at the stage where I'm having lots of aha! moments.)
I don't believe my wife is Autistic but she does have some of the symptoms. Over the last three decades, I have had to get used to that look I get as she drags herself away from whatever she was doing and tries to focus on what I am saying. It took a long time for me to understand that she is not doing this on purpose and she really does love me and our time together. Even knowing that, it is still difficult to adjust. I know that if she is doing anything at all, I am going to have to say a word or two, wait until she has shifted focus, and then start all over again. Also, the other day, she was telling me something, and my mind wandered off on a tangent of something she said. I had to bring myself back and had to ask her to start over. She got a little bit mad at me and said she would not repeat. I reminded her that she also often goes on little mental trips when we talk and that I would be storing away her answer to me. Having been married a very long time, she knew this was true, we laughed together at our situation and moved on.
I tried dating through a site for a short period, but the vibe of "so I have to like this person to build a possible future with" put immediate scrutiny on their character and they hardly made it through the first 10 minutes. Having a conversation with anyone I actually already liked before that talk, will often bring a panick attack and I often turn mute during personal topics. I am a complete disaster. I managed two relationships in my younger years before diagnose, but I would lie if I said they were free of disaster. Single now and I have made peace with the fact I will spend the other half of my life alone.
Literally the same past and relationship wise. I am infatuated with a guy who has the same personality type like Lewis. Always very helpful and friendly. My brain turns into mush when I see him and I get super shy. When I'm around other people I have no problem being talkative. I also have developed severe RSD over the years. I wanted to give my number to him but I got a mild panic attack thinking it could go wrong.
Damn, that part where he waits a little before he speaks when you're immersed into something...that's the dream, I have absolutely never experienced anyone treating me like that. I too cannot listen at all when I'm distracted, and I always get forced into awkward questions when someone talks to me in a moment when my mind is somewhere else...or also in a loud place, similar thing. The idea of autistic + autistic relationships sounds so extremely nice on paper because you'd finally be dealing with someone who knows your struggles as well as you do and can genuinely accept you because of it, but from what I'm hearing, it's not happening often, and I've been wondering why that is exactly... It could be intentional because chances are that both of them would have similar weaknesses that they cannot cover each other for, and that might be a big barrier to a nice and fulfilling life together. The really sad part is that most of us then end up falling for narcissists instead, and that never ends well. Personally, I'd love to date an autistic woman at some point, but actually finding one that's available, interested and checks enough boxes...kinda not realistic. I don't know, maybe there actually are plenty people who would be up for that specific neuro-non-diverse relationship (especially after failed relationships with NTs) but simply cannot physically find the partner for it...and then either stay single or try with the next NT that gives them the time of day.
Autistic woman here, in a great relationship w an autistic man. We’re both educated, tech background, pivoted to start an unrelated business together, we’re both poly and kinky, we’re both big extroverts but need a lot of recovery time- perfect match. There are TONS of autistic people out there, it’s not going to limit the pool much.
@@SpecialBlanket Well that last part is only true if you're willing to move (potentially far) away and stuff. If you specifically wanna stay in town, you're looking at a very small fraction of probably (much) less than a million, of which most are at the wrong age, already taken (most of us aren't poly), or theoretically available but living a lifestyle reclusive enough it's impossible to meet them. May or may not be as unlikely as the commonly cited women's quests for the 666s. And when you're looking for something that's so rare it's less than 1% of people, you can only get lucky or choose to widen "the pool" by having more realistic expectations. Which in this case means, would be self-sabotaging to reject NTs for being NT. It's awesome you found a perfect match, but you know, just because you did, doesn't mean everyone will, haha.
@@Dreykopffbeing so honest, dating a patient, peaceful, and highly understanding neurotypical man has been a game changer for me in comparison to all the autistic men I experienced. Who used my disabilities against me and theirs as a crutch to not improve or seek help. Of course there’s good guys both NT/ND out there, I hope that you find one. Do not give up hope.
@@tobisupersmartI think it's quite different to if we have autism and ADHD my other half surely has ADHD but I rarely blow up I mean years between as I can't be bothered to argue lifes to short take after my autistic grandfather
Masking at home - I would say at least from my own experience that you nailed that. I do think that it is largely because of my parents that I can't really... unmask at home or anywhere for that matter except when no one at all is around. But after diagnosis my mom in particular was always saying things like, 'Oh you don't need to //pretend// around me, you can be whoever you are!' not realising that it was her false interpretations of what I was feeling or experiencing so constantly throughout the years that really taught me just how important masking is even amongst the ones that love you the most. It is easier with my wife, but it doesn't release easily even though she is a psychiatrist and deals with autistic kiddos across the spectrum everyday. She gives the same line albeit without that all-influential phrasing of 'pretend'* but she's neurotypical and when it comes down to it she's going to read into flat expressions whatever she is herself feeling or expecting in that moment, and that can be a big problem. (And none of that even approaches the whole issue of... 'where is it that i end and my mask begins?') *Pretend - It's not pretending is it, we all know it is 'protecting'.
He might have a bit of adhd given this limited info that he stims and does everything last minute. I'm projecting since i have diagnosed adhd and my spouse is more like her. i related to the part about balancing each other out
me and my partner had a bit of a learning experience when it came to him reminding me to brush my teeth lol he'd tell me "oh you should go and brush your teeth now" and I'd say "no" (demand avoidance and all that) and it would end up us bickering about it for 5 or 10 minutes before I begrudgingly went to go brush my teeth and at some point I realized and told him "look, you're gonna tell me to brush my teeth, I'm gonna say no, and you have to just say "ok",, and I promise I'll go and do it" and ever since then it's always like that lol it's worked out very well (I say no to most things he asks me to do but I always do them)
From my perspective as a guy, it seems like not having previously been in a relationship is taken as a sign that the person must be a toxic and should be avoided, so the problem just compounds as the years go on.
Piece of advice, try to address it if you notice people seeming uncomfortable when you bring it up. You know, explain just a little bit, put them at ease.
All my relationships fail after like 3 months top. Idk if its cause of autism or not (i dont do anything bad or anything and partners never talk to me about what bothers them)
Trying to date is hard , meeting people when conversations hardly seem to have a point, social scene can have added stimulus. So how to get to know someone and then get to know you. When it doesn't feel organic to the Typical, and the divergent we end up as friends instead of partners
For me the biggest thing I dislike about being alone is the negative economic consequences it has. I will not become financially secure long term and be able to buy a house as long as I'm a single income household. I don't earn that much and even if I earned more, I have a study loan to pay back and the salaries aren't that high where I live, compared to the USA for instance if you've got a good career. Even if I had a bank account with € 125.000 right now, I would not be able to buy a house.
"For me the (...) consequences it has." It sure does. I find it frustrating to pay (almost) as much for certain things as I (we) would if there were more people in my household. Thousands here and thousands there... What a waste!
Interesting. I'm on the other side. I bought my house at 26 and paid it off in 7 years and now I'm just stacking up money for retirement. I always feel a bit worried about both the state of the world in general and my ability to remain employed (even though I really shouldn't at this point). Subconsciously, I always feel like everything is going to fall apart and I need to be prepared for it. I feel like knocking out my debts and prepping for disasters is all stuff I can control and I'm happy to advance in these areas. Conversely, the idea of finding a suitable partner and entering a relationship is way more daunting, and it hardly feels like there could be anyone out there that could understand me and share my morals and values, and for us to also be mutually attracted to each other. That's a problem I'm not sure I can solve.
Meg how do you involve yourself in Lewis' interests, do you ever force yourself to pick up one of his interests as a new special interest of yours? Or what approach do you recommend? Or are you lucky enough that your existing special interests are enough to share, and you don't need to step outside that?
not meg, but also married to an allistic guy. we have some shared interests, we even met through gaming. we both like some games and have other games only one likes. we still share in each others joy, even if we do not have a personal interest in something, and we do a lot of parallel play. I guess I‘d say it‘s okay to just show a superficial interest in the other‘s special interest - I‘ll be knitting while we watch the super bowl and try to at least understand the game, minewhile he‘ll check in on my progress and appreciate any of my finished pieces. it all depends on how much enthusiasm you expect from your partner. and also, I don‘t think this just applies to autistic people - it‘s just to be expected that people have different interests and we all have to make an effort to make it work 😊
I’ve been married/together with my husband for over 20 years now and let me say that having separate interests is actually a good thing. Share a few things but allow each other to go off and do your own thing too.
To paraphrase a quote from st tng "We all have the costumes that we wear." Some people tell more truth in their costumes, some are just actors. Some people can't handle the truthfulness during costume changes. Maybe.
this is one thing i will never understand. i had a girlfriend once, and dated a couple of women, but the older i get, the more i dread the hassle that is is. i just cant deal with the stress of the uncertainties of dating. i tried this "just fake it till you makie it" but, as you all know, this will not work, or eventually backfire massively. so i really dont understand how you are able to find partners.
It technically is lying, but the kind that is expected/ required. For example: when people in the US ask “ how are you today?” They are not really asking and a lie response is expected. Masking is the same thing. Neurotypicals do it as well, but maybe just not as heavily as those who are neurodivergent.
Yeah that question is just rude to answer with a formal answer. Im not taking the time to overcome my stammer and anxiety just for you to lie to my face
It’s funny that I am able to make friends easily and I’ve been able to keep a girlfriend some how (she’s amazing) as a teenaged girl in high school I say I do alright. Still love y’all’s accents I have an obsession with accents and sounds because of how mixed I am, I don’t really have a distinct accent unless I speak a different language like French (learning don’t know a lot) I am Puerto Rican, Mexican, black and white and who knows what else. I look like I’m Mexican of LatinX but my hair is black hair, fluffy and course
Everyone masks. It is called social gaming. But the mask is about as far as most Autistic people can go on instinct. But in general nobody is presenting their unfiltered self. So I never really understood the obsessive interest in masking. I prefer not to hold back for anyone. But apparantly I can mask so much quicker than I think that I'm now start getting confused about when I mask. Either I'm too slow to put on a mask and feel like I'm masking my intent. Or I am so used to behaving in a particular manner that the mask has become auto. Now looping back to just trying to forget the whole abstract of masking and just focusing on doing what I enjoy and figuring out what I enjoy.
That’s a really good outline of the concepts I struggle with. That so many autistic people talk about masking as being really clear to them is a major driver of imposter’s syndrome for me. Of course, I’m 62 and spent most of my life developing automatic behaviors, and autistic or not I have a heckuva time figuring out what they are and why they are there.
You two are so cute together! My husband and I have been together since we were 18, we met at Ventures (UK) now 26 yrs later we only discovered that we are both auDHD through researching for our now 19yr old daughter and 18yr old son and their continuing difficulties with the allistic world out there!! We too do a lot of spending time doing our own thing near each other often with headphones on so as not to disturb the other. Friendship is the most important thing for us, it sees you through harder times. In the beginning we spent a lot of time masking in our friendship group - now we just have very few friends and those we do have are also ND. Thank you for your videos, I love watching them and supporting you on patreon too.
For me, romantic relationships are not. But for some reason friendships and close friendships are really difficult. I wish to have a really close friend or best friend, but I don't really even have a friend. I think part of it comes from this deep underlying fear of rejection from Friends/others as I was growing up.
I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. It's easier for an Autistic girl to find a partner the a Autistic guy. The one thing I want is to come home to someone and live a somewhat normal life. Apparently that's too much to ask for
Completely agree. But you haven't accepted it. (Sorry for unsolicited analysis, but I think I have a similar issue.) You wouldn't have made such a sarcastic remark if you have. It's so damn hard to accept it... I believe about myself and my future that I will find a partner when I accept the fact that I might never find one and be ok with that realization. I don't know how can I accept it, it completely breaks my heart to even think about it. But I also know that if I push to have a partner and get salty for not having one, it will not only make me resentfult but also unable to find one. In short: you get what you get, not what you think you need, but it's so hard to accept that fact. I also just want to come home to someone and have a somewhat normal life and I'm frigging salty that I don't. I don't want to be this salty about it and I don't know what to do. I wonder what you think about what I wrote
Yes, and no. I’ve just celebrated 22 years of marriage, but it feels like I do all of the giving, and get nothing in return. That’s how it feels, anyway. (I’m the neurodivergent one)
I’m married 25 years now, diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. As I’m unmasking, it’s a lot to sort out. I’ve realized that my people pleasing led me to make almost all the compromises in our relationship. My partner didn’t realize I was doing that, but it became the norm. Now that I’m being more real and expecting a more healthy balance, he’s having trouble adjusting. He feels like he’s expected to change everything to accommodate me-- what he doesn’t realize is how much I did over the years to accommodate Him. I just had thought it was what a loving wife does, especially when so many of my needs seemed “silly” because I didn’t know I was autistic (like loud noise, needing quiet, etc) He’s a good person (I hope your partner is too!), but it’s hard after all these years, trying to change things now. I don’t have as many meltdowns now, but I’m tired of having so many debates or arguments each time I realize i need another new change in our patterns.
I relate to this so much as someone in a similar situation (I’m 25 and my husband and I started dating at 18). We’ve always just clicked so well and being around each other feels so natural! Discovering that I’m autistic has made it even easier to understand each other. Everyone always says relationships are hard and we’ve had our moments, but for the most part it’s so easy being together. I guess we’re lucky to have found the right person
it took me out when lewis said "if meg was responsible for the cookin we wouldn't be here right now" 😭😭😂 i also struggle too when it comes to sustaining myself with food if i'm distracted by things
Thank you so much for making these videos. I am having a hard time trying to figure out whether or not I am autistic and it makes it pretty difficult to tell some of my adhd symptoms with other autism symptoms. (We “love” imposter syndrome! (Joke)) But your videos really help me calm down and chill out and feel validated. ❤️
I actually read somewhere that choosing a partner that looks like 'your family' is a psycological thing, the brain just says to you, "this person is family, they're safe." It's often in the time of crisis (personal or wider) when the brain is in turmoil, because when everything is fine people tend to go for people who don't look 'like family' (it's something biological and psychological at the same time).
Its great to see an autistic person in a long term relationship, as many of us feel that wont happen for us. I've been with my partner for 2 years now, he has some traits of autism but i wouldnt say he was autistic, though we've thought he might be adhd. I always thought i would never find anyone who would love me, i was in multiple abusive relationships with people who just didnt love me, and i thought that was basically my lot in life. But fortunately i met my partner and experienced what its like to be loved and treated with love! We spent the first 6 months of knowing eachother messaging instead of meeting irl, because i was way too nervous to talk to him. We had very silly conversations for a long while because i couldnt bring myself to have a normal conversation, though luckily over time we got to know eachother. He always felt very familiar to me, i find that when you find someone you recognise something deep inside of them that isnt necessarily tangible. You cant really control this occurence, and i think in the age of dating apps thats what many of us are trying to do. The best thing to do is to focus on other things, the more you force something the less it will happen or when it does it wont be right for you because youre doing it out of loneliness and longing. Best not to look for a relationship, there are so many things in life you can focus on and enjoy. Allthough it sounds condescending to hear when your single and struggling, you generally have more control over what you do, unless ofcourse you have a difficult living situation. But in general i find being in a relationship sometimes interrupts my routines and is a huge change that can be difficult to deal with, but stil rewarding.
Thank you for these types of videos as I'm learning a lot about autism and how it can make any relationship difficult. Patience and understanding makes all the difference and I can see how it works in your relationship. I've been told I'm weird countless times and it was due to a lack of understanding of autism. It's great that you've found success in romance and your videos are useful as well as entertaining. I'm 27 now and have never been in a relationship despite desiring one since around 13. Countless times I've read signals wrong and believed someone liked me when they didn't. I was even told I was too ugly for someone and they didn't care how that affected my self-esteem.
Just saw the title of an article on the telegraph, 'Incels are 30 times more likely to be autistic'. As a guy with Aspergers i am a bit embarrassed but i hope the subject gets addressed in future. ♾️
My wife has borderline, I'm an autist. It fits perfectly. She can't manipulate me emotionally, because I don't recognise her emotions and she can't get mad at me for not picking up nonverbal hints. My rational nature helps her to calm down, whilst she can translate NT-Emotions and body language for me. So in a weird way, this arrangement is symbiotic for both of us. Of course it also brings problems, like that I don't recognise when she needs my emotional support, or that I don't like giving emotional support when it doesn't help with the underlying problem, but overall it has worked out for us for now close to ten years.
I’m a teen and so far I’ve had one partner, we are both autistic and communication was a massive problem, leading us to break up, (we are still friends but still have issues due to this lack of communication, to the point where school councillors and the head of inclusive ed had had to get involved) I’m really thankful for this video, as my partner also wouldn’t realise that we both experience being autistic in different ways because we are different people, leading to me being judged but also being criticised for judging other people by her.
icl i never thought i would EVER make friends or have a relationship with neurotypical people after some bad experiences, but your channel has given me a much more open mind! thank you :)
@@thechumbucket8986 Lining up special interests would mean they would share more time together, sharing stuff. But thinking how people pleasing most Autistic people are, i'm sure they would compromise
@@thechumbucket8986 oh i didn't know that about the conflicts, i guess that makes sense if you're both very open & passionate. But if you are sharing & swapping info. You would still spend a lot of time apart doing your special interests, rather than together. But i guess that's okay, just doesn't sound as cozy.
I think I mask so much that I don't even know I'm doing it anymore. I know I do it even around friends & family. Just less so. Nobody really sees the natural me. But then I think, does anyone really want to? I don't know. I'm very controlling of myself if that makes sense. Maybe one day I'll meet someone I can be fully comfortable with. But I have my doubts. Glad you guys found each other though. Its always nice to see a success story.
31:30 I love saying thank you instead of sorry, I first heard a favorite artist of mine at a live show say it, "thank you for your patience" instead of like "sorry for the delay" and it really stuck with me as sounding much nicer
26:25 this can feel so invalidating though, when one person is constantly being told by their SO that the things they like are boring or stupid or aren’t worth their time (indirectly) while the SO also reaps the benefits of having their interests validated and shared and prioritized. Feels like the non-autistic person in the relationship *needs* to have a few key interests of theirs shared by the autistic person because the autistic person may not be capable of having compassion toward interests outside of their hyper fixation bubble. Either that or the non autistic person needs to expect to have those needs of having compassion shown toward their interests met by friends or by themselves, otherwise it can feel like it’s highly one sided in that regard.
The two of you have helped me to understand my relationships more than you know. I feel like my partner is in some form of acceptance... like you talked about accepting that meltdowns and special interest are inevitable... i have audhd but only my adhd is diagnosed so far. Im in the waiting phase of meeting another psychiatrist. I discovered my bio donor (he hit it and quit it and then ran away) had autism and more children. After meeting them and discovering how predominant autism is in our bloodline i discovered that i have autism too. Most of my family condemns me because "ive always been the difficult and weird child/teenager/adult" but realizing my family pretty well threw me away over having meltdowns has been another level of soul crushing pain. Do either of you have experiences of trying to get someone who is more closed-minded to understand how the autism affects us and how/when we can interact with the world daily??
Im diagnosed Schizotypal, and I do mask a lot. Sometimes Ive felt like lying, because part of my thingy (disorder) is to just feel appart from most people. I just didnt use to understand people at all, I was super introverted, and extroverted (neurotypals) seemed so oddly weird to me, so I was always masking. I became pretty bitter with time, and I felt like always imposting my expressions and overall comments. It felt like... well... masking! I do still mask, because well, I cant go around saying "hi, Im depress at hell, what you tell me I dont really care, excuse me if I dont look to your eyes while we chat".
ah yea i notice i like to cook one MABY two course meal on rare times and rather cook 3-6 1 course meals a day in really good quality with full focus on the single course instead having to split between 3 courses and having to put 1/3rd the effort on each course instead 100% and also another bonus is no leftovers just why make a 3 course meal to ottain leftovers none wants?
I am curious what your wedding was like. My wife and I lived together for about 26 years before getting married (I am highly skilled at avoiding milestones in life), and we did not anticipate how utterly unprepared we both were to be the focus of attention and (at our age) the hosts of a big event. It was like being thrown into the deep end of the social pool without knowing how to swim. It was only about 40 people, thank god - we are not noted for having lots of friends.
Thanks for always producing such informative content. I wanted to ask if you e seen “A Kind of Spark” the tv show. I’d love to see you react to it. It was so healing for me.
@@Im_bor3d0 I’m in a period of hyperfixation with shows about autistic people played by autistic actors, in general. In the last 3 days I’ve watched A kind of Spark, Everything’s Gonna be Alright, and As we see it. I absolutely cannot wait for season 2 as well!! 🤗
Omg my question made it in (18:50)! Tysm, and it's so lovely it worked out well for you two 💖 Answer about home masking: Yes, grew up needing/ learning to mask at home. I live with my partner and housemates, and don't unmask unless I am home *completely* alone. So even though we've been together and lived together for 9 years/married for 5, only the past year or so I've learned I'm even on the spectrum and am masking in the first place (now starting to chip it off). PDA type too! So sweet how your partner navigates that with you ✨️ Thanks whoever read all this, may you not stub your toes today 🙏
My husband calls my name and waits for me to respond before saying anything. It gives me a chance to detach from what I'm doing and get within earshot to reduce YELLING.
There's a video that just came out by Buck Angel where he's speaking to a mother of a level 3 autistic child. And she is gatekeeping the shit out of autism in that video and basically dismissing level 1s as being 'a little bit socially awkward'. They are discussing 'trans people appropriating autism' and i'd be curious to see your reaction to what the mother says.
Just from that interaction, my impression of Louis is he might have inattentive ADHD, but it's not an assertion just an observation of traits. And nurodivergent people are more likely to be attracted to one another. It's also possible that he has a significant cluster of nurodivergent traits but not enough for it to significantly effect him in a disabling way.
I so badly wish I could dive deep into my partner's BIG interests. There's some I even find relatively fun! Our interests are tangential enough we're a good fit - but the big interest of his is immensely draining to me. Tabletop RPG's. Meanwhile, I adore storytelling, worldbuilding, role-playing characters, etc. It should be perfect! But the social aspect. The voice chats. The interruptions technology wise and within game as people talk over one another. Things not going the way I'd like in our story that's supposed to be shared. The roll of the dice being rng and sometimes just shitty and ruining a session you were excited for. I can't do it for very long. We have some accommodations we've figured out for me but it's still an uphill battle. And it makes him feel guilty when i miss sessions, have an overload moment, or need to take a break. I wish I could just play.
Lewis saying he lives day to day was eye opening. I forget some people can do that. 😂 That would be an amazing mindset to have. Love this video, never really have heard anyone talk about non-neurotypical relationships before. Cool episode
Do you have any videos talking about college burn out and how you were able to keep healthy schedules and work loads? I’m in my last year and my burn out is exactly how you’re describing yours and I don’t know what to do. I’m also very isolated but have trouble having friends.
I'm 33 years old now and I haven't had a good or healthy relationship since I was in High School. I'm autistic and I find it really hard to find someone, it does not help that I'm trans and sapphic further limiting my usual dating pool. I also could potentially have undiganosed ADHD, it feels like it fits and I believe I have it with 99% of my entire being (the last 1% being that anxiety asking "but what if you're just dumb and wrong"). I thought that by getting a job at my local retail store it'd be easier for me, meet new people and potentially develop feelings for them. If nothing else I'd gain friends at my workplace, though I should specify I did not seek work to date coworkers that is a strict no for me, I more meant a customer person who doesn't work where I work. I keep hoping that I'll find the right person and I am going to try and visit some lesbian bars near me if I can, just try to put myself out there a bit as dating apps have gone horribly wrong for me in the past.
4:40 I think that monotropism happens because we have a higher attention switching cost and therefore it costs us more to switch between tasks, as it actually requires us longer to do so and engage in another activity
26:03 Oh my goodness, I think I just found out my love language is actually "You turned my special interest into a spread sheet???" because I saw that and have never felt more seen in how I need someone to interact with the things I enjoy 😂 Like PLEASE, take my favorite band's songs and my favorite TV show characters and put them into a ranked list, I will literally marry you on the SPOT
"The way to reach autistic people is through their interests" This speaks a lot to me. I've always tried to form bonds over hobbies and interests, and can't really connect any other way. But I realized quite recently that most people don't do that... at least they have some kind of social step prior to talking about their interests (???) It's a mystery to me.
After watching some of your videos, it’s helped me discover that i may actually be autistic, but doubted myself for it. Now that i have more knowledge on what being autistic may be, i feel as if i am. By watching this video and reading some of the comments, i wanted to see if anyone else shares a similar experience as i do, but i haven’t been able find anything yet. I’m not really sure if this has anything to do at all with myself being autistic, but im just not really interested in romantic relationships. I have had one romantic relationship in the past, but i ended up ending it because i felt a little trapped, and not like myself. This was about 4 years ago, and now i am really happy with myself, learning that i do not really have any need for romantic relationships. I have a platonic best friend that means the world to me, and they very much well could be viewed as a romantic partner from someone on the outside, but we aren’t romantically interested in each other. Again, im not really sure if this has anything to do with being autistic or not but i just don’t have any need for a romantic partner. Everyone else i know around me wants one, including my platonic best friend, but i just don’t. I’m not sure if there’s anything different about me, but i just don’t have any yearning or need for romantic love. I already experience, and have a ton of love for everyone else in my life, and also myself, that i feel as if i don’t need any romantic partner. I feel attraction to people, but it’s not romantic attraction, it’s more like admiration, if that makes sense? I admire and care for people, but never want a romantic relationship with them. Maybe if anyone shares a similar experience, that would be very nice to learn.
I want to watch this one with my girlfriend but English is her second language and she only really has practice listening to American accents so she might struggle to understand it.
Could you discuss the BAP theory of autism? I was listening to a girl discuss it, and it upset me, but I’m having a hard time putting words to WHY I dislike it.
This has honestly explained so much of the differences I've always had in my relationships!!!! Thank you guys so much for giving both of your perspective, so eye opening and reassuring😭
