That’s totally me in a nutshell. I used to be very outgoing and didn’t care what people thought of me when I was younger. Then in adulthood, many negative experiences (embarrassment by others, betrayal by friends and family, being left out, prolonged exposure to people with narcissistic tendencies) caused me to withdraw. Now it’s at a point where I don’t even know how to be around people anymore. I constantly feel like I’m saying, doing or even wearing the wrong thing. I just don’t fit in anymore. The investment of time and effort that ends up in betrayal, disrespect or plain discard is just too much to handle.
Narcissists are really good at conditioning their victims to feel like they're always wrong, punishing and insulting you whenever you're outgoing, independent, or putting genuine effort into something you care about. After a while, you begin to internalize their abusive programming and experience strong feelings of guilt, rejection, and helplessness whenever you try to do certain things (at least that's been my experience). Narcs make you feel rejection and embarassment so intensely that you end up feeling it even when the narc isn't present, and you end up delusionally believing that the people around you don't like you or are rejecting you even when they aren't. Again, just IME.
The problem with those intrusive people is that they are inmoral, always smelling the kindest people to pull them down for no justifiable reasons. They can't stand seeing others be prosperous and they want to be protagonists in nasty ways.
SO true! I’ve always been quiet and anxious, and people assume I’m incompetent. I’ve noticed at every job Ive had the people who are loud and competitive are always viewed as good at their job, while the quiet ones who prefer to not steal the spot light are viewed as stupid and treated like a child. Why is that?
I have dealt with avoided personality since my earliest memories. From the time I was a child, I have been so afraid of being judged and found lacking. Not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being funny enough, etc. As a child, I was also hyperactive. My nerves would cause me to break out in hives quite often and it would happen in social situations especially. Back in the 60s, very few people even considered that children could have a mental disability. I am now almost 60 years old and go out socially only with my parents. When I am not at work, I seldom leave my apartment. I have never married because I self sabotaged all of my relationships before we got very serious. I have a niece that is now dealing with this and is being home schooled by my brother because she can't handle going to school. At least, they recognize she has problems and she is getting counseling. I hope so much she can avoid all of the pain and anguish that I have gone through all my life.
If you ever want to chat, message me, and I’ll give you my phone number. I can really relate. I’m 31 years old and would love to know what it was like growing up in the 1960s. Love that Era.
It's not about the fears, it's because the social experience give too many unpleasant feelings because of anxiety. It's an unconscious response, we are not thinking "oh I'm afraid of being rejected"
Maybe not true for all people. I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety disorder and I do relate a lot with these "symptoms" because for me i feel there is such a tremendous amount of effort needed for social interactions among friends/coworkers, that may or maynot reciprocate, that is just better to just chill yourself down to the point of giving up all of it. Even though anxiety happens at a subconsious level it is often rationalized back, making you actively try to avoid it.
I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality disorder. I couldn't talk to people comfortably. I started drinking heavily when in social situations and it seemed to fix it. But then I drank too much. I have since stopped drinking but now live completely isolated outside of my two kids and wife. My wife has been amazing. She stuck by me through two institutionalizations. I still have anxiety when interacting with her though and am terrified of making her angry or even irritating her.
I've been diagnosed with this. I think it stems from constant and severe bullying during my school years. It's tough... I'm in therapy, but yeah... it's still something I struggle with every day for 17 yrs now.
This is me!!! I was terribly bullied as a child and although loved within the family there was quite a bit of ridicule went on within it. This has blighted my life to the point I have avoided decent jobs and friends. I only have one friend and I have known her since school and she is more like family. I only socialise with her and my children and no one else. I've never revealed anything of myself to any partner and my husband and I are virtual strangers. It's way too late for me to change now but it's interesting to know my condition has a name and a reason. I can't imagine being different or feeling differently but oh how I wish I did. I envy the easy way other people are and their easy interactions. I'm so bound up with anxiety and worthlessness that I can't even speak amongst strangers and if I ever do and manage to find something to say (rare!)I know it's so forced everyone can tell I don't fit in. So much wasted potential which is sad.
Ive had a degree of this, which stemmed from prolonged bullying and racism as a child that was so severe it affected my social development. The difficulty is when you’ve experienced bullying or predatory behaviour in the past, you tend to become a magnet for bullies and predators in social groups - in the same way that people sexually abused as children tend to attract sexual predators in adulthood. This creates ongoing cumulative trauma that is added to whenever you try to integrate into a new social group.
I experienced a lot of childhood trauma and a certain amount of bullying. The point is that if you associate seeing a group of people heading towards you with being beaten up, you are not exactly going to be attracted to social gatherings. I'm fine with smaller groups, and I have interacted with larger groups as part of some of my jobs, but they're still not something I would choose to be part of. Another factor that is never mentioned in these discussions is that in a large group talking at once I simply can't keep track of what people are saying -- add in ridiculously loud background music and it becomes impossible to remain there!
That's totally true it's like you experience bullying everywhere you go but to break the cycle we must pursue active healing and forgive them it's the only way to break the cycle and be free
“A person with avoidant personality disorder ain’t gonna do karaoke”….😂😂😂. True that. I believe this entire segment describes me. Too accurate. One of my best friends died, and her celebration of life is occurring as I write this. I couldn’t even bring myself to go. And I feel like a ginormous sh*t bag for not going and knew I would feel this way. YET, I still couldn’t bring myself to go. Anyway….
This is so me. I didn't realise it was a personality disorder though, I just thought it was a lack of confidence and self esteem. OMG, I've just Googled it and it is in the DSM 5 ! I guess I've just established what has been wrong with me. Brought up by narcissistic Father and co-dependent Mother and then being married to a covert narcissist completely drained my identity / personality. Luckily I am two years into recovery from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. At least I now know what other work I need to accomplish. It's a massive light bulb moment "Ah ha, that's what's wrong with me".
Which part made you realize it was a personality disorder? I also am wondering because I lack self-confidence and feel insecure and I’m not sure what it actually is.
@@ricka0917 The fact that Dr Ramani described it as a personality disorder. The title of the video is that it is a personality order. The description within the DSM 5 also.
I’m used to being dismissed, misunderstood, and pressured to lie about my emotional reactions (since they’re frequently quite chaotic and apparently disconnected from things that are happening), and people not wanting to make any effort with reaching out to me, while I frequently run out of energy to maintain connections (especially since developing depression in my late teens). I tend to sabotage relationships as an adult because I’m so sure people will just dislike me anyways. It’s why, despite my diagnosis of social anxiety, I really suspect it may be more extreme, especially because I have only been like this in my 20s.
This sounds like me. I remember feeling very anxious as a child when it came to class presentations or even participating in class. This followed me all the way to university. Making new friends has always been a challenge. I wonder how common it is for people with this personality type to get drawn into relationships with narcissistic people.
I was so terrified after being assigned a talk about my beloved job in a major art gallery, that after bringing home files to work up my presentation, I actually quit my job rather than do the talk! Also, part of my work as an educational dept member was to give occasional tours. I just couldn't, so opted to order materials for the gift shop and sometimes work there advising people. One on one I was fine. Having aced an HonBA in Art History at Uni wasn't enough to ensure me I could enthrall a group of gallery patrons. I was a product of a very dysfunctional family with a critical, belittling mother and 3 much older sister's.
Same experience exactly and I married an abusive controlling narcissist 17 years my senior, my first real boyfriend even though I was 28. No experience marked me as a perfect victim, and he spotted that.
Also, the toxic social dynamics in some school systems teaches vulnerable students that if you stick your neck out in any way, the bullies are going to verbally and socially chop it off for you. Over and over, and over and over again :(
OMG.. thank you for sharing this. This is my life on a nutshell. Basically whenever I interact with humans.. I play over and over the conversations in my head to check if I was awkward or if I was politically correct. It is exhausting!
I was diagnosed as having a Border line personality disorder. This nearly fully describes my thinking and behaviors. Life seems to fly so fast, I miss family occasions I stopped socializing or getting into social situations tho i was not introvert, these behaviors persist and ways of thinking. It's so hard to break from this way.
Thanks, doc. Makes the past 44 yrs make a lot more sense. After learning about gaslighting, ran across this, between bullying through all school, manipulated and gaslighted through relationships and marriage and divorce..... been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, or is there... definately think I have this as a result of all that. Will make an appointment to investigate further. Thanks for helping through this format, the ability to recognize what the heck is going on, and now understand past behaviours and outlooks. Absolutely cannot stand any attention at all, and have trouble with compliments too, coworkers sometimes had to mention "I was trying to pay you a compliment, why did you turn it into a self deprecating joke?" oops sorry dude, not used to it, defused it by sloughing it off by jokingly acting contrary in response.
For me it was in grade school. I was bullied so much I justcwanted to not be "there" anymore. I was laughed at or ignored whenever I said a word. I guess I just lost my confidence.
Thank you for all your great information! Having parents who have AVP and NPD traits, it is truly painful just attempting to have purposeful interaction! The insecurity is screaming so loud nothing else gets through! The victim appropriation makes it incredibly difficult to maintain conversation!
I like this look: no lipstick, natural hair color, comfy clothing. The content is what matters and it is nice to see a person - a professional, at that - in this more relaxed and natural setting. Just enough make-up and an affable demeanor. Nice video!
After dating for 18 months and then getting married I felt I could trust my S.O. ..... my mistake. I shared ALOT within our firsy few years of marriage, not too much but the things I shared that were personal or things that made me personally uncomfortable or scared of prior to our own relationship. Those things have since been used against me or brought up at inappropriate times AND I found out, shared with other's (some are people I dont even know but found out from others gossip) over the last 20+ years of my marriage. So as I learned of this, I have 'clammed up' and I WONT share with my S.O. anymore. I'm not the one with the problem. I trusted them and those Couple Boundaries were broken. Im still married to them I just dont share anything anymore. Its nothing to get divorced over but its still just sad 😥👎
People are never any label forever unless they choose to be. So called, "Avoidant Personality Disorder" is just a label for a snapshot of a period in someone's life, it's not a life long disorder. We are all fluid and can change anything about ourselves we want at any time. Everyone goes through phases were they feel less socially secure, whether it be because you are still working out childhood stuff or, like Stephanie below stated, you have had many situations that caused you to withdraw. Get to the root of it and be compassionate with yourself and be self approving instead of seeking approval from others and you can turn it around! Looking for approval from others always has the same outcome.
😐 yep. because if you're crippled from being hit by a mac truck, you should be able get up and run like everybody else. no damage is permanent. certainly not. especially not emotional damage.
It is really hard to threat something that is actually based on a human behavior and biology . Because if you look somehow different than others in a situation , you will always be judged or some actions will be taken. Even when you accept it, its still there. When I am in a social interactions, I will blush and I will zone out and my hands and legs will shake . I have been doing it till this age all of my life and, I am 33 year old male. Hardest part is to learn to see even the faces of people who feel sorry for you in a situation. Even if they emphasize my state it is still unbearable. I don't want to be criticized nor I want to people feel sorry for me but it is always one of the other
people who classically fit this condition have become professional performers because their "gift" was recognized and supported but, while diving into their craft, they simultaneously experience extreme terror "on stage". this can make the contrast from sociability even more stark, especially from receiving unbalanced attention.
Yep, that's me. I was bullied in school and at home. A lot of years. I have a speech problem and my feet. I have overpronation. I walk inwards towards my ankles when I walk. I'm 47 now, it's not as bad it was years ago.
there is alway stress of performance pressure .we don't want to hurt their feelings. we can compromise our feeling very easily. We want to create a bond but aren't able to do so
I try to cure myself of my fear of judgment by posting on reddit. I've been downvoted for my opinion on gruyere. I try to rationalise and tell myself that not everyone's opinion on you is valid. Though the more, I make peace with myself the more I actually tell myself that most people are not really interesting and that I' m better off filling my time myself. I don't know if it makes me more narcissistic. I used to want contact but now, I realise that a lot of relationships are meh.
I think I have this, schizotypal, and covert narcissism. People called me shy, and I was always shy. I stuck with sports and all the quiet kids at school. Too afraid of losing the people we do have, so we let them do whatever they want and they take advantage and disrespect. Poor boundaries.
having gone through a bad break up with an ex that I have 3 children with makes me not want to go out and meet new people. It's just a sad story that lives with me all the time, I don't want to subject others to that.
For the whole of ten minutes she repeated the same thing, that avoidant personality disorder people can't thrive in a social atmosphere for the fear of humiliation😬😬 I wonder why
Wow. I did a test and it said I have a very high likelihood of having this thing, so now I’m looking into this. I’m even way beyond what she’s describing in this video. I don’t have any friends (by my own choice) and I hardly even have relationships with my family of origin. Years have passed between times when I’d see my sisters and they’ve been deeply hurt by this. If I see people I’ve known in my past, while in public, I panic and duck for cover. In my limited intimate relationships I have given in, just as she described. You just so desperately want/need to be good enough for the other person. It stems straight back to that extreme fear of rejection, criticism and failure. In group functions at work I would always sit or stand as far away from the group as I possibly could. I don’t even like to be physically close to most people. Standing is a good cover, as you can just say, “oh, I just need to stand over here so my knees won’t get sore” or something like that. EDIT: for me this has been lifelong going as far back as I can recall. Shame, guilt, humiliation and lack of personal boundaries were the things my childhood was, at all times. Those thing with the odd, rare moments of kindness/love..?, peppered in at completely random intervals. I hated being hugged as a child and teen. That hate of being hugged made me also feel extreme guilt and shame. It made me feel like there was something soo wrong with me for not appreciating their (my parents’) rare and random affection. I felt like I was being so bad and ungrateful.
Interesting... I thought it wouldn't be connected to anxiety in any way. I think I used to be like that as a teen and young adult, but then one day I thought to myself "I wasn't shy as a kid and I am now, what's the difference? My thoughts." It totally blew me away and I wasn't shy or scared to talk to others ever since. Now going into relationships is an anxiety I gotta deal with. Talking is onw thing, but making strong bonds is different.
I’m so upset. 43 years old and just learned about this and I’m thinking this has ruined my life and relationships. I’ve been in therapy most of my life. Why has this never been brought to my attention? 😭 I have hurt so many people because of this.
This is definitely how I am. To an extreme degree. It's completely ruined my life. I don't leave the house. I can't drive anywhere. I had a lot of truma growing up. Sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse. By several people. I'm 40, and I've definitely have needed therapy since I was 7, but it also terrifies me at the same time. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish I hadn't survived childhood.
I thought you were going to tell me that is what is wrong with me lol...but I guess I don't have this because I just do NOT enjoy socialising . I hate people. I choose not to have friends. I choose to distance myself from people where possible. If I go grocery shopping, I prefer not to interact with anyone. I don't trust anybody.....which is the way to be in this world. I hate being judged. I love my own company and don't want to share myself with others. I don't have APD but I like what I do have. It feels safe.
U look like an Egyptian actress named Sausan Badr 😍😱. Besides that, yes I can relate to this disorder because I already suffer from anxiety and depression since childhood. I have a friend who I suspect suffers from this as well. Recently we had a misunderstanding and I thoughtlessly said I wouldn't want to ever date him. It was childish. I didn't mean to hurt him. It was a response to something he said. So he's gone silent for months then. I didn't apologize I simply told him to not be upset after the silly encounter because honestly it wasn't intentional. But now I understand more why the person chose to just be very distant.
The physical reaction my body has to social situations is very distressing and embarrassing. I do get very red and sweat and often am running to the restroom a lot to get sick. I always thought if I could just keep the feelings inside it would be so much easier.
I will actually do things intentionally that DRAW criticism, laughter, etc (like karaoke)….that way, I know it’s due to what I’m intentionally doing, and not necessarily because of who I really am. If that makes sense…
Though it's interesting and helps understanding, there is the danger of self diagnosing. I spent so much time reading through different disorders and was able to find similarities almost everywhere and the doctors in the hospital I was in told me I should really stop and forget what I ready helped me sort my diagnosis. They said it is also a typical phenomenon of medicine students to think they have all diseases they read about. I'm not saying the vids are bad, just take care of yourselves and go to a doctor if you're enclined to watch sth like this and recognizing yourself
im just getting kind of, the realisation that this might be me, when trying to therapy myself ( bc talking abt it is embarrassing what a shocker ) i explain whybi avoid social gatherings even when i really wanna go and havw fun by saying, i dont want to go because im afraid of being percieved in the wrong way, or negatively, like.. just the idea of people percieving me in a way that they see me as unlikable is torture for me i hate myself sm aaaa
Much of this sums me up. Strangely I love karaoke and am very good at it but I tend to get very drunk in order to perform publicly, and get very upset when I make any kind of error. I therefore practise until a song is so imprinted on my subconscious that I can perform it well even when intoxicated. The regulars at my local karaoke bar welcomed me fairly early on when I started to frequent the place, but it was probably four years before I totally felt comfortable enough to sit and interact with them without fear of rejection.
But sometimes the rejection isn’t imagined, as a person who chose to not drink or drink very little alcohol, the girls would criticize me and reject me for it. So I tended to keep my circle with Asian males that like more tech or topics that are easy to relate like movies etc.
I have been diagnosed with it and it's...idk...not fun. I know it's not...how people should really work normally. I'm afraid of everything and avoid doing things I don't want to do any way I can. And I know it's...not "right" so to speak, I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it as it's second nature to me...
We need to distinguish between personality and character. Personality characteristics tend to be trivial and superficial. Your “character” is what makes you the person you are. Values, ethics, morals etc. Character disorders are self destructive and corrosive to society. They often go hand in hand with psychological disorders such as sociopathy and psychopathy (conditions which are often valued selectively in business, sport, government and in the military and spy agencies - and the legal profession)
Just stop caring whether or not you're liked. Don't put any value at all on someone else's opinion of you. Even if they have a good opinion..just stop caring. I think people will actually gravitate towards you because you won't seem needy but strong and therefore get attention you secretly want but are anxious of not getting. And then you'll build confidence in yourself. Hiding away and getting lost in avoidance and anxiety does nothing for you.
Why would it be considered a disorder when is justifiable if a kid is afraid of kids that may bully? Why not teach them creative ways to continue their own career paths under important principles and pleasure?
Because even for a kid being bullied it's the wrong reaction. There are much better ways of dealing with being bullied. I agree that it makes 100% sense in their heads.. but it's an over reaction. I have spent the best part of 37 years with this stupid way of thinking and dealing with things. Even when I recognise the error, it's next to impossible to prevent the counter productive reactions and behaviours. It's a disorder because it significantly interferes with daily functioning.
@@letsgoBrandon204 I would try to find preventive ways to make the kid feel safe, but I wouldn't pretend to shut their feelings which are not unreal or push them to do things they are not ready to do.
Children are not diagnosed with personality disorders, because their personalities are still developing. Dr. Ramani said that for some adults, childhood trauma may have been a factor in them developing an avoidant personality style, not that children being afraid of being bullied have avoidant personalities.
@@briza2022 I'm not suggesting that you dismiss their feelings, but there's no point lying to them and telling them that their reaction is alright. That just hurts them more. They need it explained to them
Yup I was never bullies at school Went to same school for 10 years But in college I was bullied alot I got diagnosed with severe depression and wanted to kill evryone But i hate people N i hate bullies No. Sense people judge
I simply avoid people because (01) I have rarely ever "liked" any of the people I have ever met and (02) I avoid people, in groups, because people, in groups, reduce to a collective mentality easily reduced to "stupid people in large groups". Damn. Who knew that THAT was a "personality disorder"?
What you say makes a lot of sense. However why is it that therapists always seem to have given up on fixing their own issues? It makes it hard to trust that they actually know what they're talking about and that therapy is useless. Because if it did work. Therapists would basically be super human. In the end most people know what's wrong with them. They simply don't have the will power to overcome it. So they go to therapy as a sort of cop out from having to do the hard thing they fear.
Oh. Hm. That makes sense. I was just thinking I had social anxiety, but this makes more sense. Would this be in any way related to escapism and avoidance as a coping mechanism ?
*...?* Sounds like *anxious attachment style* to me. I thought avoidants are the commitment phobics that start to feel nothing when someone gets closer... Which often comes from parents that didn't meet the kid's emotional needs, by being inconsistent and/or intrusive
@@ALL_OUT_OF_BUBBLEGUM It's avoiding people or social situations when one is overwhelmed by anxiety, regardless of past traumatic events (because i never had one).
I don't have anxiety about associating with other people. I just don't like them, LOL. I prefer dogs. 🐶 I don't care if people criticize me. That's their problem. I have no fear of social situations but just find most of them spurious. Speaking in front of people presents no trepidation for me. Solitude is not problematic but rejuvenating. Everyone has to be labelled these days.
We Got This Family, is good, is Beautiful to know we’re not the only ones, We Got This, Let’s Keep Fighting Family. Love to Everyone, i know this abt ain’t easy, but it is COMPLETELY POSSIBLE. We R Capable of Freedom and Living Our Best Life, i PROMISE. Lets Keep going guys, We Got this 💪🏼💪🏼👊🏼🤍🤍❤️🔥❤️🔥
I'm 100% sure (as sure as possible without a diagnosis) that I have Avoidant personality disorder, but I'm not sure if I wanna treat it. Cause apart from me FEELING inferior to others, I think I can rationally tell that I'm pretty cringy and I think my AvPD just helps me not to get myself into any embarrassing situations. Personally I think I'd rather suffer than seriously embarrass myself
Adding on my personal experience... In high school, I was good friends with a guy who was my classmate in a couple of my classes and we hung out together quite a lot. Later on when I found out through someone else that the guy had a crush on me, I instantly shunned him. I never understood why I did this; it was very unlike me. He was a kind person who always respected my boundaries, and to this day I still feel immense guilt because he was confused and depressed and did not deserve this. All I knew back then was that I did not reciprocate his feelings and flinched whenever I saw him. Now I think I'm finally beginning to understand why. Thank you x100 Dr. Ramani. I can never thank you enough for your videos. I've watched so many trying to understand why I am the way I am. I am hoping to see a psychiatrist soon, so that I can officially be diagnosed. Haha I am very anxious and scared though. Wish me luck guys
@Karina A I have actually considered it. My biggest concern however is by reaching out to him what if I dredge up those memories and emotions he had already long forgotten and he preferred to keep it that way. It's been 11 yrs.. I wouldn't blame him if he hates me and wants nothing to do with me anymore. I'm not seeking forgiveness; I just want to give him closure (if he still needs it) and genuinely wonder how he's doing now, but I worry I'd just be a nuisance at this point.
1.Avoid larger group social activity. 2.Stick to social groups of people that they know will accept them. 3.They restrain themselves in intimate relationships due to fear of receiving negative judgment. 4.They ruminate about fear of criticism before a social event. 5.Feel inadequate in social situations.They become quiet. 6.Severe fear of embarrassment. 7.May "give in" in social situations rather than assert & properly protect themselves. 8.They hold themselves back from opportunities.
@@deejames1st I'm glad you could make use of it DJ. I write a list down while I'm listening to Dr.Ramani so as it will sink into my consciousness better & if people like yourself can benefit from that as well, then that's great.
I've spent the best part of 37 years feeling this way. A day doesn't go by when it's not a problem. A strange thing I've noticed is that I find conversations with people at work somewhat doable IF it's about work (it also depends _who_ I'm talking to). Anything more personal and I clam up. Even saying good morning is difficult! Sometimes I just want to kill myself, but don't have the balls to do it. It's life consuming. Never been in an intimate relationship. No friends any more. And still living with parents.. at 37! 😰
You mention you have a job, if possible maybe you could try to rent a place on your own and with that autonomy it might help lots with building you up in how you view yourself. Please know you are valid and it might help to try something new to feel you are capable. Someone above my comment mentioned therapy, is that something you can try or perhaps continue to try? I’m happy you got to see this video with Dr. Ramani because it’s often very helpful and validating to hear that the things we struggle with we aren’t alone in struggling with those things. Sometimes it can also help to scroll the commentary section (even if you don’t contact others), to read their experiences too, it will often create a connection and ground us a bit and not make us feel as alienated. Living at home can be complicated when we’re adults, because the parent/child dynamic is often still there which can make things complicated, and how we view ourselves might also be impacted by that. It is a real thing, and it feels so tough, but know it can and will get better (like Dr. Ramani said small steps)! There are already things in life that you might have thought you would never be able to do, but you are doing them (like speaking to people at your job and being able to handle that)!💛
@@nancyinthegarden3160 Yeah, I've been for CBT twice now, and going back soon I hope. First time I didn't notice any changes. Maybe they didn't explain it properly. I have made some progress, but I think the next big thing is to get my own place to live. I have epilepsy too, so I can't drive myself anywhere.
I think this is me. I was bullied mercilessly both physically and verbally in elementary school to the point where I considered suicide. Kids would pretend to be my friend but then join in the bullying in a group. Often bullying would happen right in front of teachers and they would do nothing. My parents didn't seem to care either. That was the 80's for you. There have been other experiences in my life along the way where I don't feel like I'm ever part of the group. I don't trust that people really want me there. My husband, the love of my life, was a very social person and I felt like I belonged when I was with him. He gave me confidence. Since he died after a long horrible battle with ALS I feel lost. I do have a few close friends I can really talk to. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone but I really just want to stay home alone.
Wow, Sandy. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband died 8.5 years ago. He was my world and I was his. When he died, I did too. He made me feel safe, cared for, valued, respected, loved, and like I mattered. I miss him so much. I have one good friend and I am very thankful for her. I'm also very thankful for you and your comment because I didn't think there was someone in a similar situation. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Sending you a big hug. ❤
im so sorry that happened to you. youre beautiful and didn't deserve it. im deeply sorry you lost your husband. I pray for you peace, and placement. bless your heart and your way forward.
Omg your story about your childhood bullying sounds a lot like mine. It’s so hard to trust after being harmed in so many social interactions I can definitely relate. Stay strong and know your a beautiful person, much love from my heart to yours, peace ☮️💕✨💗✨
My heart goes out to you, Sandy. You are not alone. Isolate and hibernate when you need to, but also know when to clean your teeth, get washed and dressed, get outside and kick some ass!!
This has ruined my life. My doctor misdiagnosed me to have social phobia and I didn't really get the proper help. In many years I've been isolating myself from people. It got so bad that I have painful fears just by thinking of getting a jobb. It hurts bc I do enjoy to be with people
most doctors are complete fools and idiots, the internet might not make them look like that but remember the GOOD ones that actually share their experience and help people (even for free) like this channel here, are a very small minority. So if you don't have the luck to have them as your therapists, at the very least always check for a second opinion... and even a third. And if feasible, try to study some psychology and psychotherapy by yourself, it helped me immensely to avoid bad apples (+90% and not even kidding, wish I were)
I also fear of getting a job. Once my mom mentions it, I get scared af. It's not the work that's the problem but dealing with the people is too, too much for me. And all the challenges that might come on the way.
I wish this aspect of avoidant personality disorder was discussed more. What if ppl with this disorder are more in tune with the sick world around them? 🤷🏿♂️. Personal experiences...I don't feel rejection, I just value my peace. Most ppl are ignorant & inconsiderate...I don't tolerate it well. Idk...
Thank you for using the term "asocial" instead of "antisocial". It burns me up when people are telling me that I'm being "anti-social." I immediately correct them. I'll say, "No. Not wanting to socialize is being _asocial._ Now, if I were to kick you in the shin for telling me I'm being anti-social, _then_ I would be 'anti-social.' Want a demonstration?"
@@ViralVibes_01 Being told I'm being "anti-social" when I'm being "asocial" is _bullying._ And...as an INFP...I have every right to self-advocate, and give them _exactly_ what they are giving me. If their "feelings get hurt," then they are the very snowflakes they accuse introverts of being. Extroverts are _not_ the victims here.
pretty sure i have this, or at least i have the traits maybe from a neurodevelopmental cause. living this way literally feels like being mentally trapped in a cage. like i know there are jokes i want to make in a group, i want to sing at karaoke, i want to take on leadership roles at my job... but its as if something is paralyzing me and physically holding me back. its not always a conscious fear of criticism or embarrasment, it's usually quite repressed so we go through life not even understanding why we can't be as open and social as everyone else. it can feel like a curse sometimes. i;ve made huge improvements over the years, so i do think it's a treatable PD, but i still have a long way to go
I did feel like this sometimes.. And i think i have found ways to live with it and eventualy overcome it...first,dont compare, because not everyone is perfect as well.. Everyone is at different stage in life. Second, welcome mistakes and doing mistakes or even embarassing yourself as a part of being awesome. Third, other peoples opinions still arent the most accurate description of you, so every opinion is just a limited perception od you, so if you know that, its easier to let go of thinking or over thinking what others think.. And also, its always the most important to be your own leader, to be a leader. Your own friend, do that no one can bring you down in any way.. When things are repressed its important to look at your life as a play ground for self improvment and have bravery to listen, open your ears and mind to hear guidance or advice. Also giving yourself time helps.. You arent chasing anyones level or anything. It helps a lot to be at a student seat, and rather than trying to be something you would want and pressure yourself, you learn all the time and show your skills in lets say, more subtle ways without fear you wont be agnoleged for whatever you do.. You are unique and a work in progress. School sytem, Jobs, work environemnets very often make you feel like you arent enough because they always want more.. So many of us have that in our programing, to always prove ourselves and then it takes over our free time as well..we have to be good at everything to be socialy aceptable, but Thats not true at all. We are allowed to just be, im perfect and silly and even dumb or whatever. You are free to express and no express.. You are also free to be weird and silent when everyone is talking etc... You dont have to follow anyones opinion, standard or expectation. You are living your life, ntt others, so they dont get a say when you should feel a certain way or do a certain thing. If you feel uncomfortable, that means you dont like the environment or people, and listening to yourself is good actualy. Not every place is for everyone and not every person is.. And sometimes anxiety comes because we dont feel good for a good reason. I would sugest being in places that make you feel like you can be yourself and feel safe with all that you are.. And be with people who make you feel good about yourself.
My boyfriend is this. I'm one of the few people he trusts 100% and I advocate for him all the time, through seeing me stand up for him, he's learned over time, that he can do it too. He's slowly gaining more confidence. Speaking up, of course I'm always there backing him up. I'm a ride or die with him but it is hard dealing with this. I have my own issues as well....compounded with his, it's a lot. I love him though, so its worth it.
@@nightingale1207probably not, guys who want a serious relationship like it when a woman is open to them. My ex gf was an avoidant and it drained all my energy. I loved her and I tried for a long time but I gave up and she seemed happy while I was depressed…. Months after I finally get over it and guess who comes back, my avoidant ex saying she’s sorry and blah blah… I tried three times with her, she likes me when I act like I don’t care. Very toxic but it’s finally done…. I’m not happy but I’m at peace. I can be myself again
@@joev7014 Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for what you've been through, it must have been really painful. I never realized avoidance could persist in a relationship like that and become so destructive. It is eye-opening for me as I'm an avoidant who struggles everyday to overcome this. I want to be fully attentive and devoted to my partner.
@@nightingale1207 you know what, you’re doing great. At least you realize it and you’re trying. That’s a huge step. My ex doesn’t even acknowledge it. If you were my ex I’d be happy you’re trying haha
I'm 31 and that's exactly how I feel! I keep ruminating over the fact that being this shy/awkward/avoidant was acceptable or even cute as a child but as an adult it's just cringy, especially since I now see much younger people being incredibly confident and outgoing and it makes me feel very abnormal, like I've lost my last excuse for being this way
Here’s an exercise: Look at every one you see, even strangers you don’t interact with and think to yourself, “What you think of me doesn’t matter. Only what I think of me matters and I get better every day.” Do it until you’re convinced. You may even try mentally going back to a time when childhood embarrassments happened and say, “I view this incident as an adult now and can see a higher truth to this.” ( find one and speak it) “I let go of this embarrassment and my soul is healed.”
I love every single video you put out, whether it’s on MedCircle or on your own channel. I feel like I’ve learned sooo much. it’s so valuable to uncover and begin to finally understand the confusing/painful dynamics of all the relationships I’ve carried in this life. But this is a video I’ve been most excited about, because I feel this is something I may have. I just wanna feel free and create healthy and happy relationships. thank you for everything you do.
