How Avoidant People Create Relationship Collapse 

"I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me" wow, this summarised 3 years of my life!

When avoidant people act highly interested and pursue a relationship aggressively, it will throw you off. They appear highly committed when in “interested” mode. You don’t realize it’s a temporary and fleeting mode for them.

There are empathic people who are avoidant too. Nobody was there to listen to their feelings when growing up in narcissistic home..So they just keep their insides locked and don’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings. But are really helpful, kind thoughtful..always ready to listen to your feelings but never pry or use them against you.

I have come to the conclusion, at least from my life experience, if you are a faithful partner, friend, sibling with no expectations for your own needs and wants, things go smoothly. But once you realize you are getting zero reciprocation, and your needs are not being met or even considered, and you try to have a conversation about it, they run for the hills.

It's stunning how quickly they can just drop you. No warning. You're getting along great and they really seem into you. Then suddenly they ghost you and they'll never tell you why. You can spend years ruminating about it because your brain will want to sort out the mystery so you can get some closure!

6 years of being pushed away. Ended it all. It's been a year. I feel amazing! Feel sad for him every now and then, but I'm free!!!

I would say that avoidance is on a spectrum. I had a male friend who I had strong feelings for, and he did for me. Whenever we connected on a deeper level, he would suddenly look like a deer in the headlights, make excuses and leave.` This happened over and over. I could see that he really wanted things to go further but he would literally go into "fight or flight" mode. He is tortured by this. He is also a beautiful soul, honest, full of integrity and we have many mutual friends who respect him greatly. He is known for helping others out. Clearly in childhood his emotional needs were unmet and he cannot deal with any vulnerability. He is not selfish at all, and I kind of respect him for avoiding me because he has the wisdom to know that he cannot meet me where I need him to, and rather than string me along he has walked away. It's a real shame and I hope that he gets help as I can see that he so longs for connection but then cannot handle it.

This spoke to me: "I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me." I felt this and I went through it.

becoming a better person involves hard work and patience. choosing who is allowed to know you deeply is a life’s work. starting from zero over here 😌

I’d never heard of attachment theory until I got into a “relationship” with a woman who I’d describe as a text book avoidant. She was amazing at first. She was warm and compassionate, intimate and stunningly beautiful. We’d gotten into the first argument we’d ever had and it was like I was some kind of monster for being upset about something. I’d never been gaslit so effectively in my life. I thought I was going nuts. She became cold and distant almost over night, never accountable for ANYTHING, never apologized and everything somehow ended up being my fault. I even went as far as to apologize for thing I knew I shouldn’t have, just as an attempt to resolve our differences. I’ve never been so miserable and alone with someone in my life. I left her after 8 months together. I don’t think she’ll ever own any of it or get any help. I’ve never met someone more stubborn and unapologetic in my life. Stay away from these people at all costs. They will absolutely ruin someone; even a healthy secure partner. I was secure when we started together. I’m not anymore…. An avoidant type is not worth the heartache and does not deserve your love unless they’re willing to commit to therapy.

He gave the appearance that he wanted an emotionally healthy serious relationship for almost 3 months before his distancing strategies and behaviors really started to kick in. Ultimately, destroying what could've been a beautiful relationship; We could not discuss anything that went to deep, or any relationship snafoo that needed to be ironed out. If and when I did, he would then extend me the luxury of silent treatment and ghosting behaviors 🥴. I MEAN ANYTHING... Literally, the dude would run away!!! And just like you said, he tried to play victim, once I expressed how unhealthy these distancing behaviors were and finally decided to remove myself from the experience. I had mentioned my need/s and made bids for connection numerous times before this. WASTED my own time. Never again.

Thank you so much for posting this, and helping me understand what I was dealing with. Attempting to act healthily towards an avoidant person when you don't know what you're dealing with can feel crazy-making. All your healthy, kind, logical relationship building tools are met with such unequal and odd behavior, it really leaves you questioning yourself. No matter how strong and assured you were in your self prior to getting closer to them. This insight has helped greatly. Thank you.

I was not sophisticated enough at age 24 to recognize these characteristics for what they are. Too late, I married 'air'; he is married to himself.

The major sign for me, they skip a question/some conversation without saying anything as if they never heard it or saw your message when you see this at the beginning just run. And they can’t say how they feel good of anything about you or from you unless you hurt them or made a mistake

Wish I had learned this 50 years ago. Better late than never.

this kind of avoidant induced relationship collapse can really really damage the mental health and self esteem of the other partner, especially if it takes them by surprise. You love this person and trust them completely; then all of the sudden they turn cold, and nothing you do to try to mend the mysterious rift that seems to be widening works at all. and then of course they blame it on you. i wish i had known more about attachment styles before my last serious relationship; I could have at least seen what was happening to us for what is was instead of internalizing it

I have seen many people that have the "avoidant personality" first hand. I made a new friend, took her to get her car fixed, gave her rides here & there, went out of my way to be a friend. One day she just told me that she couldn't believe anyone could be her friend. Followed by Ghosting. I was true, geniune, honest, open & caring. I just shook my head, thinking, "some ppl just don't like being treated well. " Thinking, "Ok, I get it."

Anything that causes my relationships to collapse is always a good thing in the end. All of the best times in my life have been when I was single. I'm allergic to drama. I would rather be free.

I dealt with an avoidant type and he wasted two years of my life. Finally, I spent my birthday alone and lonely and realized I'd had a major medical scare and he wasn't available for it (ghosting punishment) and when I'd told him about it he'd accused me of not contacting him, blaming him for my mistake, and acting crazy and blaming him topping it off by telling me he'd been having trouble securing a promotion and I was selfish even more for not supporting him through it. I didn't even have a way of telling him we were done for about three months till he called me at the end of another prolonged silent/ghosting treatment and I had to tell him we were done three months earlier. I didn't even bother telling him why I'd decided to end it cuz he'd have turned it into me punishing him for my problems. He told all our friends I was "a lot of victim playing and false accusations" that has lost me quite a few friends (if I have to gossip to keep you as a friend then we aren't friends.)

It's where they are, for whatever reasons. "Don't let their injury define you." Wonderful. Thank you for being so kind AND so clear.

Thank you for this. It's my dad. I've been asking my whole life why he doesn't want to have a good relationship with me. I am finally starting to let go of the feeling that it's my fault.

Yup 9yrs of this with someone nearly killed my spirit and soul. Absolutely crazy making passive aggressive, chronically ambivalent. Talked the talk but the actions never met the talk. Survived on crumbs.

Breathtaking. I thought I married a repressed man to feel safe from family violence. How wrong. I missed love, gave him power, hurt my self esteem. I am working on regret that I did not leave when I could. I kept projecting love onto him while he was utterly false. Yes he too was was abused. This heart aches.

Other people’s choices aren’t our responsibility

I am in this lack of emotion rut, and I can safely say that low self esteem plays a big role in being this way.

Some people have no emotional intelligence. They don’t have a clue that their behavior is causing relationship problems. You can’t communicate with people like that. Sad!

Some points here I agreed with an some I didn't. I still believe that the avoidant personality is still a little understood. As an avoidant myself I can say that we do care, perhaps a little too much in that we are oversensitive. Its just simply we are too fearful to open the doors to let people in our lives for fears of rejection/abuse/abandonment that we once suffered. The avoidant can blame others as you say, but I believe it is because they do not understand themselves and that they have avoidant personality disorder. I was the same for a while, blaming the other person for the relationship breakdown, but once I understood the disorder that I had, half the battle was won and I knew I needed to seek help in moving forward. You state that the avoidant 'acts' like the victim, its because we were and it is certainly no act. Our avoidant behaviour is our defence mechanism, because we do not want to face the traumas & abuse that we had to deal with, with perhaps in our childhood. I can also see another video you have done titled '7 games avoidants play' I certainly will not be watching that. It is not 'game' we play as you state, it is trauma that has not healed. Consider your words better.

Some REALLY great points, Les. I think you may have just described an 18-year marriage that I was involved in. . . Transformation, individually, is something that has to be desired. People CAN change - but only if, and when, they WANT to. As another wise counselor once shared with me, "Nothing changes, until I do."

From watching your videos what I have learned is not to react/respond to toxic behaviors. Your power is in remain calm. Thanks.

They prevent closeness by never opening up. Never is a good time to talk about things. Never is a good time to share and express feelings. They are always busy making themselves busy, hurried, stressed. They do not want to hear about your thoughts, feelings, memories. They do not want you to PRY into their thoughts, feelings, memories. They are VOIDS. There is nothing in there but current drama and their stress. There is no past, no future, only a present of SHUT UP, disconnect.

I was with an avoidant personality in marriage for 35 yrs. I only thought it was social anxiety and I empathized with him as I am not the most socially confident person myself. His avoidance made him a bit narcissistic as well, refusing to try to change and saying that was just what he was. He was a great golfer but I feel his avoidance personality ruined his chance at ever achieving his dreams for golf. In the last years he avoided me and blamed me. He would never discuss any issues that were going on with our relationship or our children. It was just his way or forget it and so then he distanced himself from me rather than work anything out. In the end I fell into the begging and pleading and never once got much of an explanation except to be called a bitch. When I did everything around home and worked a full time job and was tired and felt disrespected and was becoming increasingly depressed. His avoidant personality prevents him from attempting change because I think he thinks anything he tries he will fail, so he will just be the failure that he is until he dies.

Really needed to hear this.. SO TRUE!! I understand they are traumatized and hurt by their experiences, but that doesn’t give them the right to traumatize and injure others. I’m absolutely devastated after my avoidant girlfriend just totally discarded me and dismissed me. I’ve never been so hurt and confused in all of my life..

They are dead ends, cul de sacs, 🤔😣 I dont put up with it. Its horribly non workable. I'm dealing with the residual things of the anger, depression ect. But I do accept that that's them but not me. I'm going to get better and move forward. Thank you Dr Carter❤

Once I had expectations from my ex, he left the relationship. He ghosted me with no conversation or closure. It is cruel.

Yes, I’ve move forward. I’ve learned to do this with my boundaries and civility. It’s worth the life lesson to see that some people can’t give what you can back. It’s ok. We all have the power to crate our environment with our boundaries.

The title says it all, brilliant!

Fell in love with someone like that, took me almost 7 years to leave. 💔

I feel healthier with every video of yours I watch, Dr. Carter. I'm also thankful for other posters sharing and being supportive. After so much isolation and feeling unheard/dismissed/invalidated/confused, this channel (and Surviving Narcissism, of course) is nourishing to my spirit.

I have found that these type folk are ultimately selfish, it’s all about me first and don’t want/find it hard to work at a relationship. Relationships don’t just happen they grow with maturity , these folk are not mature

This was a huge insite on an experience I just had with the man I've been dating for 5 months. 😔 I have a history of getting into relations with men who portray these traits.i was always so wound up in loving them that I lost myself and more often than not they would treat me bad. It was really traumatizing... but I've been to therapy and I've learned how to create boundaries. I'm not perfect at them as I'm still a deeply empathetic person and I can't always help wanting to shower love on those who need it most. It really breaks my heart to have to let him go... but that man can't give me his pain... it's not mine to own. Hurt people hurt people... even if it isn't malicious or intentional

It took me quite a while to figure this out, and now that I know what I'm dealing with, I have totally withdrawn from this person emotionally. No matter what I have said, or done, there is no getting through. Now, I'm done. I know that there is no point in explaining anything because it just doesn't sink in and nothing changes. I just want out, and that is my goal. Thanks, Dr. C., you have helped me see that I can't change them, and I don't have to feel guilty about it. :) They love to dump on the guilt, don't they?

This is a classic confusion between avoidant and narcissistic personality and this logic is often the cause of mis-diagnosis.

I have symptoms of this disorder, but have not been diagnosed. For me, it's both a HUGE feeling of inadequacy often times, a feeling that I just don't measure up, and people will just never understand or like me; but also sometimes, feelings that I am superior to others in other avenues, and that I really can't be bothered by lesser people. As you can imagine, a very difficult way to live.

Thank you for your videos. I relate to the avoidant/abandonment issues, and when asked “talk to me” I swear the words lock up in my throat. Sometimes I go numb or can’t even articulate what I am feeling. When I get upset I just feel exhausted. I do keep busy and I know that is sometimes resented, but I fear falling behind and I only can rely on myself. It’s hard.

That’s so true about my EX, and I thought I was the anxious one! I am normal but it’s her who’s not healthy!

My girlfriend is an empathetic, caring but injured individual. Until I realised what was going on I didn't understand the roller coaster. I have realised that I have my own issues and my engagement style is anxious. We both had been and going through therapy. It may not work in the end, but knowing what this is definitely helps a lot

Martyrdom at it's finest. No personal accountability.

When someone hurts me, I lose trust and discontinue closeness with that person.

Thank you, sir. This is so spot on and very helpful. It can feel like there is no hope of closure after a sincere attempt to communicate with these people, so the validation here is healing. I hope anyone going through this finds the same comfort I did in it. Have a great day!

Thank you. Abused, physically and sexually. Avoidant. Pushed away a wonderful woman, someone creative, smart, beautiful. I was scared and shrank inside, her pleas for closeness becoming more desperate, which only made me shrink further inside myself. Thank you for describing my inability to attach and connect, and the exasperation and pain I inflicted. I'm commited to the work involved in changing that fearful pattern of perceived safety in avoidance.

Thank you so much! I have allowed my pleading and begging to give my husband too much power. He has done absolutely nothing over the years to show that he has any interest at all in keeping our marriage relationship growing, despite his countless broken promises. This video has made me sigh with relief, knowing I'm doing the right thing.

I'm listening to the news today. Oh, boy. It's a wonder any of us can get out of bed. Anyone NOT affected by what's going on in the world, must be... dead?

"They are injured individuals, but you don't want their injuries define who you are". BOOOOM! wow Im speechless. That hit hard.

I've been with a girl that I started dating 2yrs ago she had just experienced a very negative physical altercation with someone she met online and I had just found my dad with his head blown off due to gunshot suicide. I suspect we trauma bonded. I've had more empathy for her and her situation than I have my own. I've suffered through this relationship and I've suffered badly. She claims she loves me but cannot even apologize!! Compromise, give in and I'm just so sad because I care about her past hurts and love her enough to help her heal she seems to care less about mine. I just can't seem to let go after 5 family members and 8 friends committing suicide not to mention drug overdose and more I feel it impossible to let go of someone

I would love to be in a relationship but, only with a godly man who knows how a woman is to be treated! I am very loyal woman. Seems they just do not make this kind of man any longer. "morals and values", are missing. I appreciate all you give, that helps confirm or adds to my well being. Ty

This describes my ex to a T. Very helpful. It was a crazy-making dynamic. Luckily by that point in my life I did not revert to pleading mode, except to insist on understanding the why's of his behavior (to no avail). What has puzzled me is how he has so many friends, a devoted group. He's good at the superficiality, I guess. "Don't let their injury define who you are" - Brilliant!

Thank you Doc. You have opened my eyes. i have been played for almost two years. they damage you mentally almost beyond repair! Stay away from any fearful avoidant and run for the hills.

This makes me sad and scared. I have Avoident personality disorder. Reading these comments, this is how my husband must feel about me. This makes me feel like I can't change or don't want to. I want to change so bad but I am scared and anxious of what people will think of me if they get close to me. I hate myself so much, how could anyone like me if they really knew me.

I kind of think of myself as somewhere between Schizoid and Avoidant. From my perspective, it's kinda like being a Nautilus, living in a society of, say, Canines, or Avians. There's NO HOPE of being understood; we might both speak English, but sometimes it can feel like we don't even have a shared language. With most people, you maintain a rather shallow relationship because no other relationship is possible. It's not because you hate them. It's not because you think yourself superior. It ABSOLUTELY isn't because you want to control them (hell, they have the numbers, if anything you're afraid of THEM controlling you). Once every millennium you'll bump into an individual with whom it looks like you can have a deeper connection; a fellow cephalopod, an invertebrate or at least a marine creature. It's not that they have to be identical to you, just not be so far apart that the entire effort is an exercise in futility. The others... well, you know they don't want to hurt you, and you don't want to hurt them, but hurt will inevitably result if they get too close. They have expectations you can't possibly meet, expectations you can't even anticipate, and vice-versa. We'll disappoint each other, and they might even think I'm doing it out of malice. So a healthy distance, we shall maintain. But control or deceive you, I shall not.

You've just described my ex down to the finest detail. I, unfortunately, did allow myself to get sucked into his chaos and, as you said, developed low self esteem, depression, and anxiety because of it. I tried to persuade him to connect with me constantly, which as you also said, I think became a drug to him. I always said "you only like me because I like you," and during a fight once he agreed with me. Anytime there was conflict in the relationship, he NEVER was able to see how his behavior contributed to the dynamic. Even at the very end when we were sorta debriefing the relationship, he didn't accept a single ounce of responsibility. It's not so much that he played the victim per se - more that he thought he was perfect, objectively correct, and that a healthy relationship shouldn't require any kind of compromise, discomfort, or effort on his part. Removing him from my life was one of the very best decisions I've ever made. We broke up about a year ago, and I'm so much happier now. Lesson learned.

Yes. This. EXACTLY describes the demise of my marriage. Thank you.

The title of this video should be about avoidant narcissists or covert narcissists instead of just avoidant personality disorder. There is overlap but not to this level. While the avoidant behaviors are rude and even cruel at times, people with this disorder tend to attract malignant narcissists and other types of victimizers (even sociopaths) as well. The true narcissist gets pissed off by the ghosting, etc, so they publicly turn themselves into the victim in order to feed their ego. Other times you have two avoidant narcissists in a relationship (or one is more covert while the other is extroverted). It's a cesspool, but it's not plain avoidant personality disorder.

Its great to be relied upon! Even more so especially if you are both willing and able 🙏

Excellent video! I couldn’t understand for the life of me why my spouse would not connect with me. Our marriage suffered and we’re now separated.

My notes (edited transcript): 2:20 Some of these individuals can have strong narcissistic tendencies. Sometimes they're overt narcissists and they like to be loud and showy, but they don't want to be close. Sometimes they're very covert. They give the appearance of wanting to be normal but in fact they're just not going to do it. 3:41 One of the things that defines the avoidant person is they don't take responsibility for the way that they are. They don't take responsibility for the fact that they create disaster, and they play right into relationship collapse. Instead, they play the victim role. 4:40 But we can grow, and we can learn how to find individuals who can lean into the healthy ingredients. With the avoidant person, it's not a matter of momentary self-reservation; it's like, “No, I have a way of life that says ‘you will not get close to me’.” 4:58 Now you're over there in trying to engage with that avoidant person and you're kind of twisted around. I thought originally this was going to be a good relationship but now I feel duped. When you try to say something to that person the avoided individual will say, “There's something wrong with your expectations. You're the problem.” Then you can become very angry and very hurt and when you try to express that anger and hurt, you don't get good reactions which only intensifies the emotion on the inside. And then the avoidant person can go into the crazy making kind of behavior where they'll sometimes ghost you only to reappear later on. 5:46 They can do anything and everything except say, “Why don't we talk about it?” That's what healthy people do, and they simply can't do it. 5:55 Avoidant people tend to have a deep history of having felt abandoned or even abused in their earlier years. Sometimes there can be a paranoia that they operate with. They have a history where the whole notion of shame is front and center in the way that they think about life. “If you do this, you'll be held in a high acclaim; if you do this, you'll be ashamed. Which means they will not allow themselves to be vulnerable whatsoever. 6:33 It could be that these individuals lived with chronic superficiality with many other individuals in their past and they learned to skate along, without having to go into much depth in their engagements. 6:47 When you're dealing with these avoidant individuals, rather than going into a ‘what can we do to make this better’ kind of a mindset, you can have more of a mindset that says ‘I want to be healthy despite their pathology that they bring’. “Just because this person is closed off doesn't mean that I have to go into my own personal collapse.” 7:14 The relationship itself may not have a solid foundation, but I can't let that person get in my head so much that their avoidance of me gets me to the place where I am not a healthy person. 7:46 It can cause you to have that argumentative style. You can go into depression and anxiety and things of that nature. 7:56 Basically, these individuals are communicating, “I’ll hang up hang around with you as long as you don't have any major expectations of me.” 8:08 It's normal, it's good to desire closeness, to desire connectedness. But what we are going to say is, “I'll lower my expectations. You've made it very clear that you're not really into, not just me, but into people in general. I get it.” 8:42 The avoidant person, rather than thinking, “Wait a minute, we can talk this through; their basic mantra is ‘one way or another, I have to be in control’. So you want to be in control but I don't want to be controlled by you. The biggest mistake that you can make with that avoidant person is you can go into pleading, you can go into the coercive, you can go into the persuasive kind of mode. Because when that happens, they feel very empowered by that. “I can see that you're wanting something from me and I kind of like the surge of power that that gives me.” (MY NOTE: I have definitely gotten the impression that you prefer me to be seeking interaction, which you then usually reject. When I seek closeness, you seem to want to reject it. When I seek doing my own thing, you seem distressed. Like, if I’m doing my own thing because you have just rejected me, you’re ok with that. If I’m doing my own thing because I’m not even trying to connect with you, you seem to have suppressed upset-ness.) Don't even go into that space with them. 9:24 Everybody has the freedom to choose who they want to be. If that's what they choose then that's where they are; but you have that freedom too. If it becomes clear that this is somebody that just is not going to connect with you, so be it. They are injured individuals, but you don't want to let their injury define who you are. 11:01 I know that you would like to have people that can connect with you but if an individual consistently lets you know, “I am committed to not connecting”, okay, I get it. Instead of trying to pull them out of their dysfunction, I’m hoping that you can move forward on team healthy so that you can be the kind of person that says, “When you engage with me, you're getting somebody that really knows how to love well and how to show respect and civility.”

Avoidant personality is a "not that into you" thing. If people are not into you, get out immediately.

Avoidant people are fair weather friends

Before you go out and make these people seem emotionaly malicious, ask yourself, how do they benefit from the fruits of their behavior? from the lack of connection, purpose, from the loneliness, the pathetic and unwanted, even more by them then you, attempts at feeling normal and able(which can come off as manipulative and attention based). They are afraid and overrun by the feelings of frustration and helplessness, the cycle is vicious. There is a deeply rooted shame and hatred of oneself. Trust is not existent, but more for themselves rather than others. They want normality, yet are isolated from it, afraid of it, thats the experience. It is their responsibility to change and to keep trying at it, I've been there, still am, its nobodies fault, but its hell for ones with avpd

I fear that I may have some of these attributes. Unfortunately my reasoning is not that I fear or distrust others. It's more that the Narcissist / dark triad in my life has vowed to destroy any relationship that I begin to build and she is very successful at hurting and destroying people simply because I was nice to them. It's as if me being a good sane person is a threat. I'v gone no contact and for me it has helped, however it's clear strings are still being pulled behind the scene, The link is always apparent but not necessarily provable.

Your videos on avoidance personalities have empowered me after 15 or so years of loneliness and confusion. Thanks so much 👍

I was very close friends with a woman for 10 years or so. Once I had cancer she didn't stay in touch often. I had surgeries and she said I'll come take you to lunch. So while we were at lunch she told me she couldn't handle watching me suffer. I told her I understand and it's okay. I didn't hear from her much through my chemo treatments and I finally got through that after 6 months. It's been 7 years now free from cancer!! I reach out to her periodically and she says we'll get together soon. Well it has happened twice in 7 years. She still says at times we'll have lunch. Yesterday I seen on Facebook that she went with a friend of hers to a Elvis Presley theater. I'm glad she got to go and enjoy that with her friend. I have told myself that I don't need to have expectations of her and I won't bother her anymore. She knows how to find me if she chooses to do so on her own.

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your expertise! I didn’t know what an avoidant was until a few weeks ago. “Someone who is repeatedly showing you they are not interested in connecting…choosing team healthy…” so many great nuggets of wisdom. Thank you!!!

My covert narc ex was extremely avoidant. This whole video was him to the T.

Dr Carter, your videos are real eye openers onto subjects most people are not even aware of. They present to the public a means to become almost effortlesly educated in a number of areas in Psychology. The science and study of human behavior is young and still expanding. It's truly a pleasure to have your videos as an ongoing educational experience. Thank your very much and "Bonne Continuation"

This isn’t avoidant personality disorder. This is avoidant attachment style

I have been listening for years and also have one of your classes. This describes the "cycle" of my marriage. I unfortunately kept hearing what he said and attempted to give him the benefit of the doubt, all the while developing the anger, persuasive behaviors that were wrong. When I was becoming someone I couldn't live with, I left and the separation did nothing. As I learned and became healthier, I have been the initiator of living separately. He is so avoidant that this works well enough for my health! I guess my concern is that my beliefs are what kept me "trying"......I remember being in a phase of trying to have "no expectations"! He loved that! Well, having an expectation of closeness and iron sharpening iron in a healthy way is pretty ok in my book. Instead, I felt guilty. Arguing felt good because i would be connected.....Ugh! I just wish there was a way for the church to recognize that marriage on paper is not worth is all all costs. It is a label and piece of paper. So as my beliefs have changed, I am frustrated to see the "long way" I took and that others are doing the same thing, when if they were empowered earlier, they could avoid going through the downward, unhealthy spiral. I have experienced the reality of intimacy avoidance and it is a destructive force when combined with narcissistic behaviors. I'd also like to say that chronic superficiality over a lifetime can be as destructive as many other behaviors and being "nice" can perpetuate this ad infinitum. All bad combinations and denial in a slippery form.

So very true. I was in a four-year relationship/situationship with one. He finally cheated., but wanted to remain “friends “. I walked away forever without a tear. No more.

I was married for 15 years and have two boys. Not all of us with avoidant personality disorder or like you say we are some of us know that it's all in our head and we make a conscious effort not to pass it on to our kids. But when you have been raised without a father and a mother who was emotionally unavailable and always stay busy with other members of the family. We have to learn how to have secure attachment ourselves while at the same time being available for our kids. So sure. There are events and occasions we miss. I don't know how it is with every person who has this and have kids but I can't relate to most of what you said. And don't see where your getting this. Maybe a AVPD person who also has another disorder. Im not sure. Or on the severe end of the scale. Indeed we do play the victim . Atleast until I became self aware. I've never told my kids they're the problem.

I’m only learning about this recently and it all makes sense now. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I remember being involved with an avoidant guy and called him out on his BS. He resorted to blaming me when he was the one that sabotaged the whole thing. A huge waste of time!

This was perfect! Thank you for sharing!

This hits home! Perfect explanation! Thank you so much for your work.

I worked for someone like this for four years. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, because I had never heard of AVPD before. He was pleasanr enough on the surface, but after a while I realized he really only cared about himself and making sure he didn't feel uncomfortable. He let me down repeatedly,lied,ignored emails, snuck around, and never acknowledged all the new procedures I put in place. I worked my a$$ off for him. Then when I quit, he just got mad. It was his own fault! I tried many times to communicate with him and talk things over, but nothing ever changed. So sorry I wasted all that tume and effort.

Discovered this just today, 2 years after premier... I already knew I was avoidant, but this really drove it home succinctly, like a cold bucket of water on my head. Now, I am about to collapse another brief relationship and I am cognizant of the fact that I really don't want to do that (again and again any longer)! Any recommendations for videos on how to shift from avoidant to secure? Or how to be less avoidant? Actually, I do see a few being recommended to me in the sidebar. Thanks for the awakening Dr. Carter.

Can’t wait!

This was a very timely video for me, Dr. Carter. Thank you!

Superb! I identify as an avoidant person who creates relationship collapse. Thank you.

Amazing video Dr. Carter! You are a source of inspiration and knowledge!

Dr. C., you are so spot-on, it's like you live inside my house!!

I know someone like that! I tried to climb his wall but was impossible! Such a shame! 😪 P.S - that's my feeling as well, that there is some form of abuse or abandonment in the life of avoidant people!

Amazing. You just described my life. 40+ yrs with an avoidant person. Wish I knew then what I know now.

The worst is when their words say I want to be close to you over and over yet sabotage any attempts

Seems like there is a large overlap between an avoidant personality and a covert narcissist

I want to caution people against believing having one of these disorders makes someone not worth engaging. I have two people in my life with this, very kind and good to the point if they dont go to heaven later im in big trouble.

Another grear video. Thank you Dr Carter.

I just stumbled onto this video and I don’t agree with your interpretation of avoidant personalities and I feel like you don’t truly understand them. Dr. Carter, you have a very extreme attitude. I think I have avoidant personality but it isn’t because I am narcissistic or cold or callous. I am actually one of the most compassionate and empathetic people. And because of that, I have avoidant personality. I connect with others on a very deep level and it’s exhausting for me. I love people! But it’s overwhelming, the things they share with me and the depth of their connection. I don’t mean to pat myself on the back, because I have plenty of things in my life that I get wrong; but I am always walking away from my interactions with people knowing their life story and they want to be best friends. And so I am just so tired - all the time. I have a husband and 4 young adult children that are my best friends. I don’t want many other relationships. I like to be with my family or alone. I guess I just don’t know how to hold people at arms length. And then I pull away when it is just too much. It is something I am trying to figure out though. It breaks my heart to know how deeply I have hurt others because I pull away. Please, Dr Carter - my advice (take it for what it’s worth, I am just commenter on your RU-vid video) is to try to understand the individual with avoidant personality rather than throw a blanket belief over all of us. I’m not narcissistic and I don’t try to play mind games. I really am just a human being trying to find ways to make connections with others that are comfortable to me. I believe that as we try to understand one another instead of belittling or demeaning each other, we can bring more light and understanding to the human race.

Well. I keep learning about myself and I can’t help but think about the person I cared most about. She is better off without me. I can’t help but think she would have been better off if we hadn’t met, but the truth is I’d be much worse off if I hadn’t.

Dr. C this video describes the person I married to a T. I am now happily not engaging, separated in my mind and soon to be somewhere else! Thank you Dr. C.

All o the avoidant traits you described describe me to a t :/ I just have so many feelings of self inadequacy that I don't know how to act in relationships.

lets bash people with avoidant personality disorder lol

This is more complex than what is stated here. I think I’m avoidant type but FOR GOOD REASON. I’m very open about my life and toxic family of origin hurts but I find after a short while the new friend NEVER shares anything about themselves and I just get sick of it. They either are mute about themselves or they play devils advocate nonstop. After I see this pattern I just get fed up and I decide this person is either shallow or enjoys gathering info on me and critiques me all the time so I gather this person is a total malignant narcissist and why am I subjecting myself to this. So to me I in order to be healthy have to terminate the so called friendship. I ghost them entirely or just gradually withdraw. I believe this is just being healthy and that these ppl are toxic so I have to get out. DR CARTER could you give me your take on my behavior please?? Thank you. @Dr. Les Carter