You talked about the sexuality part which I understand and appreciate but didn’t mention all the help you had from your parents. My parents were such a needed help. It’s hard to do by yourself 😊
I am here to report, that if you have the right partner you also don't care about your body changing. The right partner makes you feel that they are not attracted to you bc of how your body looks. :)
@@chloexo7915 I lost my baby late term and my body looks different because of pregnancy and birth, and I still like it. It grew a human until it didn’t, and I think that’s awesome. It’s such a shame we spend so much time hating our bodies. I wasn’t always capable of liking my body with its imperfections, but now I am. It took work.
@@a0ch I’m so sorry for your loss. Just to clarify my comment - I can appreciate what my body has done whilst also disliking how it looks, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. My body is absolutely incredible - it grew a 8lb 9oz baby, dealt with a postpartum haemorrhage and sepsis within hours of delivery and has produced enough milk to keep him fed for 9 weeks now and I LOVE my body for that and what she’s done. But even though I knew my body wouldn’t look the same after pregnancy, I still hate how she looks now. x
I'm 60, and I've basically been asexual my entire life( obviously didn't know it at the time), but did try both sexes growing up, because I really didn't think I was 'normal'. I got married, and had 6 children, but I had to have had liquid courage to even entertain the idea of sex. Later, after my divorce, I was accused of being a pr*ck tease, because I am a friendly person, and didn't think of having a laugh with someone might be sexual on their part, leading to some really explosive attitudes. Now I'm older, I'm more relaxed about things, as in I'll explain at the offset if I think someone is sexually attracted to me. I love living in my own, and shall continue to do so until it changes!
I came out as ace at the age of 48, I'm nearly 50 now. But when I explored the whole ace thing properly things started to make sense and I realised there was nothing wrong with me 🙂 There was nothing like this when I was growing up so when I was in long term relationships it was a confusing and hard time for me and I was very unhappy.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it is a great insight. I am 30, Ace and currently 14 weeks pregnant as a solo mum. The first question I got asked when announcing my pregnancy to work colleagues was- what will happen when you want a partner? I literally sighed and went on to explain my sexuality and how I don’t need or even want a partner. I did have one member of staff who said how she wished she had the guts to do this when she was younger- which helped me feel back at ease. I do think it’s a shame Ace is not as widely known about. It’s so good that you are able to get out there and feel confident to meet other solo parents and a variety of families. I’m too much of a recluse to put myself out there and meet others.
I'm also ace and I'm just a couple years younger than you . I've always wanted to be a mother (it's really the only thing I've ever been 100% certain I want to do) and watching your videos has helped me to realize that I can be a solo parent and that you don't have to go to the traditional path when having kids. I feel strongly that I'd want to have my first kid before turning 30 and your journey has helped me to see that that is possible with or without a partner :)
I'm ace and currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first. I was planning to have children solo because I didn't see myself meeting anyone and tbh thought it might be impossible for me to meet someone i wanted to parent with. However I did actually meet the perfect person and to be honest that has made my life a lot easier in terms of money if I wanted to go down the iui route or the long process of adoption and having no idea if I would be accepted. If it was a choice I would have had children in my early 20s but unfortunately I couldn't because I was very ill with my mental health and still living with my mum. Then i moved out with housemates and was still recovering, then i was in an abusive relationship so was too scared to have children at that point. Finally have the right set of circumstances to have a baby and I'm so excited. Some ace people do have partners whom they have children with. So if you are ace and want a partner don't give up.
When you decided to become a solo parent I couldn’t wrap my head around why you would choose to do this alone. Thank you for explaining aro and ace in a manner that helps people like me understand your lived experience
Really interesting to hear this perspective. I'm a single mum of two and I think I also enjoy not having the unwelcome male gaze lurking, however, I'm not ace and definitely find it difficult being single and not feeling any chance of that changing soon especially as im tandem nursing my two smalls
I find the point about the male gaze to be really interesting because I've had the complete opposite experience. I really never received male attention until after I became a nanny and started going on outings with the kids. It may be the fact that I look very young (I still sometimes get asked if I need the kid's menu at restaurants 😅) and men assume I am underage when I'm out on my own. I'd honestly rather be approached without the kids because I always get the sense that there is some ulterior motive when the kids are there
@@juliagelato i think, TBF, I've not found I'm totally irrelevant to men since having kids, if they KNOW I'm single and they are chatting with me I think there's something else going on, a sort of .... desire to same me or glorifying my "womanliness" in some way, but it only affects situations when more ifnromai has been exchanged, not random guys in the street.
That is a very valid question. Perhaps Bryony has a video about expenses as a solo parent of one child (with no one else paying child support) lined up in her plan.
So fascinating hearing your experience as someone that doesn't want kids (ever) and isn't fussed about relationships to hear the similarities! It's incredible that you were certain of wanting to be a mother and pursued it diligently and managed to afford it at such a young age. Beyond that you opted to be a foster parent at such a young age which frankly sounds more responsible and well-thought out than many parents. Respect your journey and all the best!
As an aroace person I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on these things! I have a solo parent ace friend whose focus is fostering and adopting, and I realized that was the first "ace parent" representation I've seen in my personal life, and I only met her as an adult! It's great to see people being open now about more diverse family styles.
You mentioned feeling like you didnt have a place in the queer community before, and i just want to say to all the asexuals and aromantics that feel that way: as a bisexual polyamorous woman, i feel a deep kinship with aro/ace people because they know a core part of the queer experience, which is alternative community building. Queerness is really about living outside of relationship norms, gendered, sexual, hierarchical etc. And I love what ace/aro people bring to the table in our community 👌.
Great video. How have you found being a younger mum? I imagine that, perhaps even more so in the solo mum by choice community most mums are in their 30s.
If it helps, I became a Mum at 39, and my anxiety was how would it be being an older Mum, because the majority of Mums in my area are in their early to mid 20's!! And, it hasn't been an issue at all 🥹✌🏼💖 Mums are just friendly (on the whole) to other Mums. If you go to a baby group, everyone is at the same stage of life as a parent, and that's how you bond. I now have Mum friends of all ages and I love the diversity! 🥰✌🏼
I've been following since early in your RU-vid journey and have only recently come to terms with the fact that I'm ace-spec and am planning to be a single mom by choice in a couple of years, following your journey with it has given me so much confidence in my own plan😊
As a demisexual I totally relate to feeling a bit outside of the LGBTQ+ society. There’s many people within and outside the community who believe that there shouldn’t be ace pride because there’s no stigma in not wanting to have sex. On the other side of it are people who believe you just have low libido or haven’t found the right person yet. It’s so frustrating that they won’t admit that feeling uncomfortable because someone is different from them reveals their own phobias and ignorance.
(My negativity not directed at commenter but our shared experience) Lol, no stigma at not wanting sex/relationships??? 😂😂😂😂 Is allonormative a term like heteronormative, if not it should be... compulsive sexuality doesn't even need that hetero- word in it when speaking of today's liberal societies🖤💜💀 If there was no stigma, ace people would not try and try again and feel weird/other/lesser for not finding those feelings in ourselves. Kink is welcome in lbgt community, but *gasp* "NOT feeling attraction to anyone, why are they trying to invade our safe spaces and celebrations?" Like clearly the ace are so a part of the general society rather than lgbt💩 I guess we should rather try hanging out with disabled people -oh wait we aren't AcTUaLLy disabled either... well heteronormative society doesn't exclude ace with their stigmas so we're FINE😂 ...I guess I'll feel included in lbgt+ within my lifetime, historically it's not that long ago that even bi people were not really accepted... and T has just now got their foot firmly over the treshold. (Totally unrelated but I prefer my country's "rainbow" over lbgtqipkhy285+*%&😅 Much more easily inclusive!)
Ive already commented separately but im gonna say here again that people on the ace spectrum absolutely get and experience queerness because queerness isnt about who you have sex with but rather living outside of relationship norms... and I actually think they bring such a great queer perspective to the community and we would be missing something without them.
@@Indigopopifythank you for explaining that. I came out as ace at the age of 48 and my daughter who is gay welcomed me to the lgbtq+ community, but for some reason I felt like I didn't belong. Reading your post has helped me to feel like I do belong in the community, thank you 🙂
So great to hear you've had a positive and welcoming experience when connecting with more queer families! Thanks for sharing your perspective with us! Cheers from an ace longtime audience member :)
Hey Bryony. I’m currently exploring my asexual identity and rewatching some of your videos on the topic. Just wanted to say how grateful I am for your content and that I’d love to see more videos about asexuality in the future ❤❤
This is so relatable. I’m not asexual but I am aromatic and I don’t feel like I am missing a partner in parenting. But I do have interest in having a baby through a friend or sexual partner.
I’m an ace in my 40s who has a toddler and has no intentions of looking for a partner. I am satisfied raising my little by myself❤ I had identified as lesbian in my twenties and thirties but the relationships…I honestly like the idea of a relationship but wasn’t obsessed like others. After that I was busy investing in myself to care about having a relationship ever again. It was in my 40s that all of a sudden I wanted a baby. I never wanted kids ever. So I went the IVF route and was so thrilled. I have help from parents and friends but most of the time I’m doing it solo. Plus I’m a Domestic Engineer aka stay at home mom. Not interested in having any type of relationship and find it hard to relate to other single moms that they’re constantly looking for a relationship. It’s a relief to see that I’m not alone.
I think especially for single mums whether they are Asexual or not, all new partners need to be vetted and looked into. I also worry in that situation that they might be more interested in your children and not in you. I guess I am paranoid but better safe than sorry xx
Mrs Dan Dare here. This was obviously a video predominantly from your perspective, but I'm curious as to whether you feel your son might feel, as he gets older, he is missing out on a second parent? This is in no way a loaded question, but as someone who has very close family member who didn’t have a second parent from early infancy who feels a loss of a parent, even though they never actually knew that parent. So, I'm wondering if you have considered this as a possibility, Oryn might feel a sense of something he doesn’t have that others might. I'm writing this fully aware single/solo parents are not unusual these days.
Regarding the solo parent thing… I almost feel like it has more to do with what kind of support system you have. I don’t feel like I necessarily need a partner, but I don’t really have the best relationship with my parents and they wouldn’t be able to help me out much anyways. Living in a crazy expensive city, it would be impossible for me to be a single parent and work a full time job and have a roof over my head and food to eat etc.
I last stopped on your channel when you were in the early pregnancy phase of your journey. You popped into my mind, so I searched for your channel and have watched a couple of your more recent videos. I just wanted to say that I’ve always been so impressed and in such admiration of your propensity for empathy and putting yourself in other people’s shoes, even when they think and experience life very differently from you. I imagine many people find affirmation, comfort, and/or clarity in your perspectives and what you share. Thank you for making the videos you do.
Oh my god! This is the first time I've ever heard about an ace solo parent! How do you manage income-wise? I want to go for it, however that's the thing I'm most worried about, struggling with a solo income while having a child.
Do you think it was a selfish decision? The world is over populated enough, with people who are damaged from their upbringing. I was adopted and always wanted to know who my biological family were. I feel sorry for people whose biological parents just see them as a donation. You could have made a big difference to a child in foster care.
I agree about the cat calling, even as someone in a 'nomal' hetero relationship with a baby. If random people make comments in public now it doesn't make me uncomfortable they usually just say my baby looks cute or cosy as all they can see is the bear hat poking out of the top of his carrier
I absolutely didn't feel like I was invisible to people (both men and women) when I Became a mum. I wish I did. A few times I was walking to the shop and there's a car showroom on the way to Sainsbury's and I got cat called by a woman working washing the cars outside , While pushing the pram. Then another time I had my daughter in her carrier and some nice gentlemen from that same car showroom shouted nice arse at me. . I just turned around and shouted some choice words at him and pointed at my kid and said that's a bit inappropriate etc Wish I was invisible. Not saying I must be really sexy or anything 😂😂 just wanted to raise this.
I investigated the possiblilty that I could be asexual after others suggested it..... i ultimately decided i didnt want to get too invested in labels. but after getting health problems, I discovered that I have low hormones. All of my hormones are low and out of balance, but my testosterone is very very very low. Lower than a post-menopausal woman. Low testosterone can affect a woman's sex drive and immune function. Ive had a low sex drive since i was 16 - and it took me 10 years to realize it wasnt normal.
I understand that you enjoy solo parenting but children deserve to grow up with two parents. It's Integral to their development. There's a reason why nature is built this way.
Child Psychologist here, dual parenting is not integral to child development. The only important thing is that babies have love, security and attachment to their solo parent. A solo parent can provide everything in the spectrum of nurture that a child needs and can model the roles of both genders. If a woman lost her partner would you say she needed to find a new man as the child “deserves better”? Please take your opinion back to the 50’s where it belongs…
With all due respect, that's not true. That is an idea that society has imposed for a long time but, fortunately, science has been disproving it. A child needs love, to have their needs met, and to be instilled with values such as respect and empathy. It can be done by a father and a mother, two fathers or mothers, a father or a mother, a grandfather or grandmother, etc... I apologize for my possible spelling mistakes, English is not my first language
There are many different types of love. Asexuality just means you don’t feel sexually attracted to other people. Aromantic means you don’t feel romantically attracted to other people. Aro/ace people are still capable of family love, friendship, camaraderie, and love for humanity in general.
What does romantic love or sexual attractive have to do with loving your kids, family, friends etc. If she is just asexual she doesn't experience sexual attraction.
