Being Married to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic - Special Guest Jerry Wise, Relationship Expert 

I have never seen my dad genuinely happy, when he was drunk he was either really angry, being a pest to others or just plain rude. And when he was sober he was on edge and it seemed like he could have a melt down at any moment. Damn I really need help.

Thumbs up isn't enough for this message. This message is life saving.

I am an ACOA and an alcoholic myself (sober for a few years now and very committed to my sobriety) and I am married to an alcoholic ! I really wish they would just bring back Prohibition. Alcohol is so damaging and it has had such a negative impact on my life. I just don’t want to be around it at all. And it is so hard to quit even when you want to because alcohol is everywhere you go. I am very happy to be sober now but it was a very long road to sobriety for me (9 years from admitting there was a problem to finally saying “I’m done with this”). My alcoholic parent will never get sober and is in a permanent state of denial. My spouse finally admitted there is a problem with alcohol after 5 years of developing an AUD due to unresolved trauma. My partner and I are both adult children of dysfunctional families.

Wow! After 45 years, I’m just learning

This video brought tears to my eyes because it was the first time it had been explained so perfectly 🙏🏻

People are ashamed of their alcoholic homes they grew up in. They feel shame.

What if your aco partner has no concept of quality time. It seems like he is nearly numb to what true family love connection and time is. Like he just filled all his time with extracurricular activities or technology or with friends and now that he has a family he doesn’t know how to honor it properly. For example he’s spending an unhealthy part of his life on the phone doing games or talking with friends or checking junk emails and believes that all time is family time including riding in the car when he is texting his friend or playing a game on the phone and believes that if myself and our son are in his presence it’s family time. There is no distinction between being in the same room and having a family connection.

Dear Mr. Wise you just hit the nail on the head. I just understood that I am an ACOA, something I could'nt see till I heard your diagnosis. I was waisting my energy on taking the blame on myself. I am very grateful for your help, dear Sir !

"I am just the shadow of this dysfunctional family; I don't know who I am." Was that EVER me.

Feelings of worry creep in when thinking about the future. What if the person I choose emonates my alcoholic father based on things I cannot really control. Or worse what if I drive the right one away with the tendencies I've developed from growing up in an alcoholic home. The chaos and hurt. This was very valuable

this is the BEST video on this subject I've seen, thank you!

Thanks for this video this helps explain my husband to me. After 10 yrs I almost gave up on him until he found acoa a month ago. I feel its going to be a long journey for him. Im just glad he admitted he needed help. He asked me to go. I did turn it down but after watching your video I can try to support him so I can understand.

I’m married to AcoA and these things have made our marriage tumultuous.

I picked people that were not available too me.I was the scapegoat got of a very abusive family. My siblings abused me just like my parents. I moved 48 times running away from feeling so hard on myself. It's not unconscious. I know my siblings love telling me how stupid I am. I am 77 and finally told the ones left what I felt. I'm done with their abuse. My daughter is just like them. She wants me too love my family. Forget it. I have sense of myself. I have done a lot of inner child self and told them what I feel. I am beautiful and a smart wonderful person I like who I am and it's nice too tell the abusers to go fuck themselves.

Dear Jerry. Congrats on slimming down. It use to be painful for me to watch certain old videos you did as you struggled for breath. You look great!

Such an informative video, thank you so much. I had no idea ACoA's could have such mood swings. I can see how you could land in the middle of a relationship with one and have NO CLUE what was going on or how to handle it. Hey, can you do a video on: How can you tell when an ACoA is doing well enough to consider a long term committed relationship with?

I'm a acoa. My question, am i doomed to a rough love life forever?

Wow you really know.... It's so eye opening.... I needed to hear this, difficult to see it myself. Thank you so much, it really helps.

Great talk, so glad to see you back, missed your videos!

This was great, but I have one issue. In describing the acoa as ill, like your analogy of the clinically depressed person, you then ask the acoa spouse to explore what attracted them to the acoa in the first place. Good question of course, but you then go on to characterize that person's potential issues as "character flaws". The spouse has character flaws, but the acoa is just ill. This is at the root of some couples' issues, that is, it's not my fault. I was made into this person, I can't help it. That's the mantra of an aware acoa. You say, rightly, that change doesn't happen until the acoa acknowledges their past, but it's more than that. It's just damn hard work. Getting over denial is key, for sure, but it's only the beginning, the tiny beginning. I know. My marriage is finally over with an acoa after 40 years of trying. I've given all I can, and he still doesn't want to deal with it.

😂 Background noise, super distracting. Beautiful view and Great message. Thank you!

my mom was the alcoholic- not my dad. and she was happy when sober and not when drunk- she was angry, sad, compltely out of control. other than that I couldnt agree with this video more. thank you.

Jerry your videos are truly inspirational and I love watching them and have gained much insight and help from them over the last months - however can I make a comment ? As a gay man I do sometimes wonder if I am being fully included in videos which are aimed at the ' married' and ' marital issues' - despite knowing that gay people are able to marry in many states and countries- would it maybe more helpful to talk about committed relationships INCLUDING marriage - this feels more inclusive. I'm sure family tree counselling is fully embracing of the LGBT community and just feel this is a point worth making. Let me know what you think.

Jerry it's like you know me personally, this is exactly how my life Is and has been in my marriage. I love my husband and his patients we are now married for 20 years and this makes so much sense.

Not feel, not think and NOT TALK

Thanks Jerry! All the best!!!

I wish I saw this before my wife filed for divorce :( I feel so lost right now

I am an aca and am married to an alcoholic narcissist. I don't even know what to do

Sometimes it's both parents, alternating or together creating chaos. The child becomes erased/neglected except when they are needed or blamed. There is fear, anxiety, never knowing what to expect yet expecting the worse. Feeling helpless in changing anything or at protecting the parents. The child is the only one who remembers all that happened. The child is parentified but without any power over anything. The child is often accounted as a burden or the source of all the issues. The child is not allowed to feel or express emotions but live the emotions through the parents including the depression. The child witnesses and lives through situations that no child should be exposed to. When moved to a quieter environment, this child will now create chaos because it's what they know and it's more predictable this way. It takes years to learn who they are, like who they are and realize there is life after parents. It takes wisdom to forgive and let go in order to thrive. It takes courage to leave. It takes self-awareness to grow... for anyone. We are not broken, they were.

How do you know the difference between ACOA and a narcissist false self?

i suggest many unrecovered acoa's are tyrannized by this false dichotomy: codependents/codependency = safe/saintly and everyone else/other-than-codependent behavior = addicted at worst, arrogant/selfish at best.

This is very helpful. So the kids' family stability or lack thereof (due to alcoholic issues); affects the way they behave as adults, in their own relationshipa.

I grew up in a narcissistic/ alcoholic home. Have one failed marriage and a rat’s tail a mile long of failed relationships. I have all the symptoms. I’m in my 50’s now. I folded my cards and went home. Maybe in the next life. I can’t even get part date number three without bombs going off. So I tapped out. It’s sad but at this point, what’s the point? Plus u can’t even go near people anymore.

Great info!!

This can also include people who grew up in dysfunctional homes from what I understand

There is no aca meeting group in my area. Ca you direct me to a zoom aca website

I wonder what the theoretical relationship between being ACOA and codependency is. Is "ACOA-ism" a subtype (a flavor) of codependency. If yes, what is specific with regard to being ACOA compared to more general term - codependency?

Background noise is so bad I can't hear you

You are a real blessing. Thankyou.

Great video and extremely necessary to hear these words. Thank you. What do you think of the book Emotional Healing by Karen Paine Gernee?

GRANDFATHER was a violent alcoholic so my mother was ANGRY

Thank you

Don't know who they are. Was me, was me, was me. Not good enough self.

thank you for your video - I have emailed you

Why do a video with all that noise.

8:45 They don't know who they are No solid sence of self Reactive self This is what others want self Why can't I get my needs self Enmeshed self Needy self Hurt and wounded self Shame based self Pseudo self

My mom and dad hide dads drinking problem until u got older then he beat my motherbut this describes my husband to a t

On spot

I'm so fuckin tired

You lost some weight. Looks good!

You’re not a qualified psychologist/councelor, so stop right there. A RU-vid video on such a serious subject is a public service and should be done by a certified professional. Your video is way to long, you repeat yourself endlessly and spend half of the time advertising yourself and self marketing, trying to get clients. Well , someone who grew up in a disfunctional family and needs counseling, is a patient, not a client. To me, you’re talk is a word salad. It does not help anyone, but yourself. This is in no way or shape how counseling is done. Stop labelling people, patronising their experiencies. It’s irresponsible to play with people’s mental health.