This video has edited captions in English to correct the autocaptions for my accent and talking super-fast.
My name is Xanthe.
I'm done with speaking on camera and uploading new content. Have also turned by back on advocacy.
However, when sorting my digital files (hyperfocus for hours with hypomania episode), I came across this video, which I have uploaded raw and unedited. I have a quite a lot of insight, which many clinicians actually have said so.
Excuse the poor quality of the video. Even if you can't make out what I'm saying, you will have to agree that this is different to most of my other videos.
This video shows what I can seem like when 'manic' or in a 'mania episode'. This video was recorded just days before I was urgently back before a psychiatrist, in crisis, who sedated me (I know this from putting together the pieces later, like dates on my medical records). Then, I had a rough journey for a long time.
It's a pretty cringe video, as significantly impaired and insisting that the manic state is 'my true self'
My formal diagnoses include bipolar disorder (type 1 which has mania), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS (clinically significant autism spectrum features), social anxiety disorder (currently mild). Historical diagnoses are generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.
At the time of making this video, I had rejected the bipolar disorder diagnosis (as the meds made me feel awful). Was still to be treated for PTSD. A psychiatrist assessed me last year and said that PDD-NOS fit better than Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or Aspergers Syndrome. All are current diagnoses in New Zealand. I'd been messed around for years by clincians about whether I was on the autism spectrum or not. I choose not to call myself 'autistic' now, regardless (even though a psychiatrist said last year I am definitely on the autism spectrum).
It's when I was in a bipolar mania episode, insisting I didn't have bipolar disorder. Saying I have Aspergers and and on the autistic spectrum. Off meds (and saying that meds are toxic). Am now on meds which have a side effect of significant weight gain.
I was saying what some recent events were (all true). I am diagnosed with the avoidance & shutdown presentation of PTSD & had not yet started treatment. I went into crisis just days after this video was recorded.
Some things in this video indicating elevated mood:
- laughing and smiling a lot (I usually don't smile)
- talking fast (pressure of speech) and going off on tangents (flight of ideas)
- reduced inhibitions, no filter
- able to feel some intense emotions
- 'flirted' by making a police-officer laugh to get out of a fine (had never done that before)
- enjoying the scent of fragrance (usually avoid with sensory issues)
- overrides social anxiety
- wanting to listen to music all the time
- shameless public dancing
- increase in wanting to do goal-directed activities (writing books, art)
- seemed 'high' like on drugs
- creative thinker
- loads of energy
- had been driving fast
- felt 'alive' and attracted to danger
- symbolism in everything - colours, words etc
- mixing up words 'wonder music woman' instead of 'wonder woman music'.
- - may seem more confident yet have increased anxiety
- start to believe have special gifts such as seeing the future
Made a more detailed list of hypomania vs mania, for me here:
www.bipolarcourage.com/bipolar...
Some autism spectrum features (tangled with PTSD):
- usually have difficulty identifying and expressing my emotions
- usually have emotion shut down (overridden by elevated mood in this video)
- stimming with nail polish bottle, had been rocking in the library, swinging on the swings, playing with sand
- usually would challenge authority (including the police)
- felt like didn't fit in this world
- sensitive to alcohol (hence avoid it)
- listening to music on repeat
- have shutdowns (not shutdown in this video, am the opposite)
- struggled in workplace
- can mask pain and distress to the extreme
- trances in music (to cope with anxiety)
- analytical thinker
- 'too honest'
- mutism (not this video, obviously)
- not interacting with others
- very still body ("freeze" with PTSD)
- needing to fidget
A few days after recording this video, my anxiety levels went through the roof and PTSD was constantly activated. So then, I was urgently trying to destroy objects. I was sleep deprived, distressed and didn't even get it on camera as I was to anxious to the point of terror to bother filming.
Later, I pieced together what had happened and wrote it into my semiautobiographical novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice. I gave the character the two main diagnoses I have (bipolar disorder and PTSD), similar triggers and some similar experiences.
www.amazon.com/dp/0473572141
#bipolar #mania #cringe
5 май 2023
