Boundaries Setting Without Being An A**HOLE 

Love that color on you.

So true life humbles you when your older... it doesn't seem to work that way with narcissists boundaries or not.

Thank You!

I have a coworker that's probably a covert narcissist and politely setting boundaries or giving factual feedback nicely will be seen as an attack to them no matter how I put it

@@OGAngie It's true anything you say to them it's like an attack on them... difficult people to deal with.

You do this teaching in such a loving way. Yashasvinigam590 thank you for highlighting how good Dr Ramani is

She really is great isn’t she! ❤

I was just wondering about the cause of my behavior a week ago. She just validated the thoughts that I had about it by stating what she stated. That was HUGE!

It's none of my business, but that sounds like a family to stay away from, sad to say. I have a sister like that. But the good part, is she lives 800-plus miles away, so we don't have to see her. The only reason she does, is due to the fact that her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's

He wrote what?!? 😅 That's WILD.

except for the book situation, everything you said describes my family situation. Am sorry for everything you had to go through, especially as a child.

@@Lipanj92I don’t think she meant that Literally

@@someonespecial581 She said: "he *actually* wrote a book...", and I didn't think it was a metaphor but you're right, it could be 😅

You got that right!

So true! My grandma once told me as a child going to school...if you haven't been called a ABC yet you haven't lived life...found that the truth the older I got!

Glad to see this comment because I’m new to setting boundaries, they’re highly uncomfortable for me to set but it comes down to my physical/mental/emotional safety (and my child’s) and word for word my narc group said “you want a war?” - your comment shows me I’m not insane and I truely do need to keep boundaries with these people, I didn’t think they’d be so unhinged on me doing so though Jesus😅 they definitely got too comfortable with me being available 24/7 and feeding into their every need/want and were used to that treatment. Feels reviving to give it back to myself though

@@drewgrant2795 They were for me too as we have bullies in school even...my grandma did help me a lot as she was there when we were young... but as we grew up creating new ones was difficult... and people come unhinged over no I can't this time etc etc.

@penijoni1316 They get harder when it's family members ...they are used of walking all over you!

People become angry because they can no longer step all over you and use you.

I’m

Their true colors shine though that's for sure. I have never seen anybody flip out so much as the time I asked a narcissist to stop eating my food and to ask before they take something if they didn't buy it or make it themselves. There was a unbelievable tantrum. After that they kept purposely taking people's food just to push people's buttons. And then when it was brought up to them they pretended they didn't know what they were doing wrong.

@@GeorgeGlass298 the same thing happened to me! My ex narc’s son kept eating all of the food I was buying, and I merely asked that he ask beforehand as a courtesy, because, whenever I would go to get some of the food, there wouldn’t be any. I brought over a bottle of Evian water, and he asked me if he could have some in a glass. I said yes, of course and thank you for asking. I was then reprimanded for 20 minutes on how her son should not have to ask me for food or a drink of water. I was called the food police. I was called selfish. I was told that I think I’m better than everyone else. Oh my. It went on and on.

Antagonistic

This! omg it's so frustrating! He made me feel absolutely crazy for months!

My first attempts were really bad! I got a lot better. Don’t let them get to you. Stay strong and keep working on refining it. ❤

I took a liking to not being liked by everyone. Takes a while, but it's a good feeling.

Thank you for this! This is so spot on ! ❤😊

It seems to me that people are crazier than ever, so one needs "boundries ", and a ton of discernment.

Agreed, but just saying I keep it to myself and don’t advertise my boundaries.

yes, I agree it's better to not say, just do. And no need to explain too much, really.@@gertrudewest4535

A simple way of putting boundaries is ‘saying no’. Many people won’t tolerate someone saying no. But not saying no is a recipe for self destruction. When setting boundaries that caused you to lose jobs, was it saying no to unreasonable behavior? Because if it was, they had put in in the place of either saying no, or being run over. Either way, you were shortly going to have a major problem.

Eh they will still cross them whenever they please haha...Unless there are witnesses to the behavior ofc.

@@ThimbleFox350this!

Well, in my case it felt like a game I was setting up myself to loose it.

Seems they take it as a challenge

Mine got off on violating boundaries. It made him feel powerful.

Very relatable.

This hits home for me too!!

Sounds transactional

@@sellyourhomenowbook and what is wrong with that ! “ transactionable “… give something to get something … seems fait to me .

fair

Me too, because I must not make the boundary lines clear, no one ever respects them. I am 68 now, and don’t really care much anymore.

Walk the path of a loving and compassionate person using the eight tools of Righteousness. Loyalty Honour Respect Morals Empathy Remorse Inspiration Encouragement And do not turn a blind eye to oppressive, controlling, immoral, harmful or dishonest behaviour. Eventually….’The Toxic Ones’ have nowhere to hide because there won’t be anywhere for them to hide. We all have a responsibility to ensure the morality of mankind is maintained at or above the minimum standard.

I tend to be like that as well. If you do not plug into my emotional well being, I go cold on you. Tired of negative people being aggressive. I am also tired of "Yes, but..." or "If....." It never works out

Ah grasshopper, you must walk the way of conflict with kindness. Boundaries are so important.

It takes WAY too much energy to be around people with whom you have to constantly set and defend your boundaries. Going no contact with them is a sane decision. I'd rather be by myself or use my limited time & energy with respectful folks.

I get you. 👌

I can totally relate to this! When I first started setting boundaries with certain family members a few years ago, it was absolutely AWFUL for a while...all of the above plus stalking, harassment, threats, health problems from the stress of it all...BUT, patience, persistence, and staying calm, respectful, and factual has really helped a lot. Obviously it hasn't changed THEM, but it has helped ME. Like, "Hey! I just stood up for myself even tho I was scared, AND I did it in a respectful way, AND I didn't take it personally when they responded badly!" For so many years I thought I was to blame for their negative responses to my boundaries, like I wasn't doing it right or something...When I finally realized that I literally CAN'T change them, and that I needed to stop trying so hard, it was a light-bulb moment for me. Now I just focus on setting healthy boundaries in a respectful way and being proud of myself if I do a good job. p.s. A "side effect" of my perseverance has been that some of the narcs in my life eventually got tired of being reminded of my boundaries, or disappointed that I was no longer "taking the bait", or embarrassed at being consistently, respectfully called out when they crossed a line, so now they don't bother me quite so often :)

​@@katey614When you set boundaries and people react badly, it's a compliment, in an ugly sort of way. You're showing them that you are too strong for them to control, and they don't like it. Kudos for sticking to it the way you describe. Setting boundaries often results in escalation, and it’s easy to get discouraged.

You're describing what happened in my marriage. I started setting boundaries, although I wouldn't have called it that at the time, and there was massive escalation. The same happened with one of my children, who was also abusive. Now the narrative is that Mom is crazy. But there's nothing I can do about that, and the abuse was killing me inside. I'm estranged from two of my children, probably permanently, but the alternative was submitting to more abuse. It breaks my heart, and I've done a lot of weeping, but I don't love anybody enough to let them trample on me.

It allways marvelled me that they continue to do so, even after attending "family counseling". But still expect you to honor the terms of agreement established by mediators, because of you know, " healthy relationships require compromise and sh*t from both parts"; even when you are just trying to survive at the receiving end of abuse. Family systems like this weaponize therapists and social workers at every chance.

Just only talk work at work be a gray rock

Thank you so much for this outlook. I am also 'thankful now'.

Their enabler relationship won't last. They'll engage in a power game, break it off, and one of them will be the "victim" who was "tricked by a narcissist." It's really easy for people to care about fake victims, but it's easier to split once you know what they're up to.

They react in the way of "attack is the best defense"... but it's not 🙂 They are losing you. A big loss for them. Hard, but eventually better living for you 😊 Stay strong 🍀🙏💜

"I spent a week managing my emotions." That is beautiful. You took the time to actively manage your emotions so you could put yourself in a healthy, functional place. Thank you for sharing this, because I am taking notes.

Don't give clues.Tell them.

Try saying in a KIND voice. ''Im so sorry!! But Im really not interested''. I bet that will work. Its cus you one foot in and one foot out. theres no need to be a jerk about it or mean or agressive or demeaning. Imagine it was you. Dont be a giving clues and then blow up.

I've got to respectfully disagree. Nine times out of ten when they're called out on it they double down. That suggests they really aren't sorry. If you get to your thirties and still act like that there's pretty much zero chance they haven't been called out multiple times already. They are doing it on purpose and just don't care.

@@IshtarNike You make an excellent point. I have met one blunt adult who did genuinely care, and tried to stop hurting others with her bluntness, but she just could not do it. It was a sore spot for her and she ended up throwing her hands in the air after years of trying. It wasn't that she had no sense of what sort of words might sting...she said she just didn't know how else to phrase her sentences. Now that I think back on it, I think the real trouble was her inability to discern facts from her own honest opinions. She thought she was just "telling it like it is" by being logical, but her logic was propped up with hidden emotional assumptions. She couldn't see that she was choosing "logical facts" based on her own perception of which facts were important or worthy enough to mention. That involves making a series of (perhaps unconscious) emotional decisions, which are fueled by one's own emotional or moral agenda. Nothing logical about it. It's just manipulation, albeit unintentional. For people that don't care and are doing it on purpose, I suppose I see it as less a deliberate choice on their part and more as an unfortunate consequence of them shutting down their capacity to be vulnerable, maybe because they've been hurt badly when they were still dependent children and couldn't otherwise cope without the emotional support they were supposed to receive. If you're defended against vulnerable feelings like sadness, disappointment, shame, regret, etc. you can't care even if you want to, because caring puts you at risk of feeling those painful emotions, and your brain is on auto-pilot doing mental gymnastics to avoid that at all costs. If you can't feel your own pain, the pain of others will be incomprehensible and you won't get that you're doing anything wrong. I see these sort of people as unreachable unless they regain their capacity to feel hurt. Narcissists are a whole other ball game though...they know they're hurting you AND they know what they're doing is wrong, and they still don't care. Yikes!

Relatable. There are actually services that will take you and are licensed for a moderate fee. Get the colonoscopy then work on asking people for assistance.

Please, get the colonoscopy done at next possible date 🙏 There are surely people "grateful to be needed". 😊🍀

Excellent advice.

You do realize Dr Ramani specializes in narcissism, right?

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Not sure what you're getting at... I'm simply saying this topic is helpful for dealing with everyone, not just narcissists. I appreciate that.

Well said, boundaries are just used to establish dominance.

Meant to say someone else's boundaries are a good tool for establishing dominance.

The point is it doesn't matter if its rational or important to her its important to you thus she should respect it.

Exactly really heart breaking situation to be in.

Those empty eyes, a "dead" giveaway. And on the other end of the spectrum, tha "I will drain every ounce of your humanity " needy eyes. The many faces of narcissism! 😂

Brilliant!

I totally appreciate your comment. I am such an empath and that has been the cause of friends who are not friends. Recently I have had to stop these one sided friendships with three people. It has been painful but I am proud of my new skills. I am also proud of you😊

@@donnahill758 thank you for your support. I usually don’t take compliments well as I’m modest but I agree with you and I’m proud of myself for handling a particular situation just recently. I had a so called friend who knew I was moving send me a text weeks before I moved that she wanted to have dinner with me. After her text I heard nothing. Then almost a month later well after I moved I get this text about how much she misses me so my reply back was that she’s the one who wanted to have dinner with me and then I heard nothing so where in that time frame did she really miss me. I changed my cell number because it’s important that I stay no contact with toxic people. I think that that message should be crystal clear, you think 🤔

Sorry about your furbaby. You sound strong and I know youll get through it. Baruch Hashem we were born with brains, now we need to slough off the trauma bond.

@@madelinebock6469 absolutely 👍

Whenever I lose a much loved pet I have to remind myself that grief is not linear and to take as much time as you need to process. Then I remember a quote by the Greek philosopher Pericles (495-429 BC) “Those who can most truly be accounted brave are those who best know the meaning of what is sweet in life and what is terrible, and then go out undeterred to meet what is to come.” 💐

Just aim to be an a hole! 😂if you are on the people pleasing spectrum, aim for the a hole will land you right in the middle 🎉

The apology, so true! Good insight.

Agreed, me too. Like at work, the narcissists take tons of time off and "phone in" the work they actually do while the rest of us take responsibility and run ourselves ragged picking up the slack. It's super frustrating and annoying.

She is simply the best!

Agree 💯💖@@palalechat

I think you did very well. It was perfect.

Dr. Ramani setting us free. A massive gift to humanity. I'm so glad for you that you now know the mechanism of abuse and are building tools to protect yourself.

My former boss declared, she was "consistant in decisions, but friendly in telling it" 🙂 and she did. She was a mindfull, great boss and there was nothing to argue about.

"Our lack of response when invalidated or devalued" so very true, that is the gateway. Now we know that if a response is met with abuse, time to cut losses. It helps a lot to now know, but still hurts a lot. Sadly anymore I'm inclined to simply avoid most people as a way to minimize such interactions. It can be lonely but does feel good to be able to breath in peace.

I would say "my consulting fee is x per 1/2 hour".

Agreed, learning how to say no is challenging after suppressing all needs for so long. Good for you for taking on the challenge! Mistakes are integral to learning.